DELUTH, Mississippi –
Dale Kyle, 40, was recently hospitalized after he says he put his 1887 Colt Peacemaker into his anus, thinking it was the “safest place” for it to be.
According to doctors, Kyle put the gun in his own ass because his house has been robbed over a dozen times in a matter of 5 years, and in several of those instances, his entire gun collection was taken.
“Basically, the only place a gun is safe is when you’re carrying it,” said Kyle. “But I sleep naked, and I don’t want anyone sneaking up on me while I’m in my birthday suit. So I figured the best thing would be to just slip it on up. I thought if I had it handy, I could push it out at a moment’s notice, just in case.”
As Kyle found, though, the rectum is not designed for entry, and things can easily become lodged.
His doctor, Kristopher McKenna, says that this is not the first gun he has seen wedged into a middle-aged man’s derrière.
“Men in their 40s to 50s, they like to stick things in their ass,” said Dr. McKenna. “I don’t know why, I never went through that phase myself. I think it’s a southern thing, and I was raised in New York. Either way, this isn’t the first time I’ve pulled something out of some dude’s ass, and it no doubt won’t be the last.”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
United Airlines has agreed to give unlimited free flights to anyone who says they were upset by their treatment of the doctor who was violently thrown around by police after refusing to de-board one of their overbooked flights. A video, showing the events, has gone viral, and caused a media firestorm that has already cost the company millions in stock and customer protests.
“We understand that people are mad about our policies, and so we want to make it up to them,” said Mario Leland, a spokesman for United. “We already gave a ton of money and free flights to the people who were on the plane who had to witness the events first-hand, but we know there are people who have seen the videos, too, and they should be compensated.”
United says that they plan to give free flights to anyone who has suffered PTSD from the videos of the events, and will even offer to upgrade to first-class anyone who would like it.
“United understands that people have no idea how airlines work, and why we have the policies we do,” said Leland. “We also understand that, for some strange reason, people think we’re to blame, when it was that asshole doctor who wouldn’t respect the terms of his ticket purchase, or the orders of the pilot or police. Frankly, he got what he deserved. But I digress. We know people don’t understand any of this, because the public is stupid and they’re sheep. So we’re doing what we need to do to save face.”
Flights can begin being booked immediately, and according to United, they will “pay back” anyone who purchases a flight over the next five years.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
For as long as anyone can remember, doctors have said that being skinny was the only way one could be “truly” healthy. According to one doctor out of Boston, though, that’s just not the case.
In a study conducted over the last 5 years, Dr. Carl Bernstain has concluded that the fatter a person is, the more likely they are to live longer and have overall better health.
“It seems counterintuitive to everything medical doctors have always said, but it’s really very simple,” said Dr. Bernstain. “Basically, when someone is tremendously fat, their organs are protected by layers and layers of thick, slippery, fatty cells. These cells keep everything internal running smoothly. Most of my patients over 400lbs have been living decades longer than their previous doctors had told them, all because of my discoveries.”
Dr. Bernstain says that although being skinny may make it easier for people to do more “active” things, being active isn’t always the most healthy thing, either.
“My patients, they can’t always walk on their own, and they do have to have someone to help them make it to the bathroom or shower properly, but they’ll live long lives, and longevity is the most important thing,” said Dr. Bernstain. “Yes, skinny people can go outside and be active. They may even find attractive mates and live into their 60s, but really, is that what life is all about?”
Dr. Bernstain himself weighs a paltry 196 pounds, but says he does plan to “bulk up” so he can continue to practice medicine for “as long as possible.”
CINCINNATI, Ohio –
Dr. Henry Heimlich, 96, used the Heimluch maneuver to save Patty Ris, 87, at Deupree House in Cincinnati, and the famous doctor says his life is now complete and he can die happy.
Dr.Heimlich didn’t hesitate. When a fellow diner started choking, the 96-year-old was ready to perform the maneuver that he invented. Perry Gaines, an employee of the Deupree House, who had in fact performed the Heimlich maneuver before, ran toward her table, eager to be a hero, but Dr. Heimlich pushed him out of the way.
“She was sitting in the chair and I turned her around and put my arms around her and pushed below the ribcage. After three compressions this piece of meat came out. It felt wonderful. I had been holding on for this moment, waiting on it my entire life, you could say. I wasn’t about to let some young stud take my moment,” Dr. Heimlich said, referring to the employee who tried to get between him and his moment of glory. “It is a culmination of my life’s work. Now I can die happy…and I have quite a bit of money from Heimlich maneuver royalties, so if anyone can refer me to a nice Kevorkian, I’d tip well. Being this old is worse than I could have imagined. Really I was not doing Patty any favors, saving her life. ”
GARDNER, Indiana –
Caleb Fartz, 38, has filed a lawsuit against his parents, Mary and Richard Fartz, both 70, after he says they “neglected to get his permission” for circumcision, a procedure that Caleb had done when he was only 4 days old.
“My parents did not ask me if I wanted to have a part of my penis lopped off, and if they had asked, I certainly wouldn’t have given them permission,” said Caleb Fartz. “The doctor must have taken too much off, too, because – not that I like to make this public, really – but I’m not very big down there. If I wasn’t circumcised, I’d be a lot bigger. At least by a couple millimeters.”
“We have no idea where this is coming from,” said Richard Fartz. “We gave him plenty of love as a child. He grew up in a pretty well-to-do home. I’m circumcised. Everyone in my family is. It’s not a big deal. Hell, he just isn’t a big kid. Never was. Nothing to be ashamed about. If he thinks he’s going to get anything out of me, then he can just kiss my smegma.”
According to his lawyers, the younger Fartz, which is pronounced like Fart-Zee, is seeking $650,000 in punitive damages, and another $3.5 million for “emotional distress.”
MIAMI, Florida –
Anjali Ramkissoon, the Miami doctor who lashed out at an Uber driver in a drunken rage, has reportedly checked herself into rehab. After being placed on administrative leave by her job, Ramkissoon says she has nothing left to do but focus on her recovery.
Ramkissoon begged for the public’s forgiveness, but it was not forthcoming. She admitted, “There’s absolutely no excuse for my actions. I am ashamed. I am so sorry. I’ve hurt so many people with this – my family, my friends… The Uber driver – no one deserves to be treated that way.”
She hopes while she is in rehab the public will forget about her and random strangers will stop urinating on her car. She says she does not intend to stop drinking, either.
“It’s not the alcohol that’s the problem. I’m not going to stop drinking. God no. It’s my food addiction that’s the problem. I love Snickers bars, and I’m just not myself when I’m hungry, so then I get bombed and lash out at people who don’t deserve it. I hope after I’ve successfully completed treatment my job will take me back and Uber will lift the ban on me. This was just the one time, guys! I’m really sorry.”
DELUTH, Minnesota –
Dr. Frank Stephenson has started prescribing video games such as The Sims and World of Warcraft to his patients. He claims it treats depression better than any drug currently on the market.
“Too many of my patients life seems so pointless. Get up. Go to work. Fall deeper in debt. Never really achieve your dreams. Soon you’re in your fifties and your wife that left you is remarried and much happier now.
“The big breakthrough came for me when I gave up on trying to help people change their lives for the better. People never change. What I can do is help people escape from their droll lives. We can’t give out the good meds because those are too addictive, and face it – anti-depressants don’t give you a good buzz, so they’re basically worthless. Video games though – they can transport you to another world.”
Dr. Stephenson says video game therapy can work for all types of depression including seasonal, major, chronic, existential, and post-partum. “I’ve even had some luck with prescribing VGT to bipolar patients. Of course sometimes they’ll play for days straight during their manic phases and give up before beating the game once their depressive phase hits. Lithium usually helps with that.”
Although there are no clinical studies to back up his work, Dr. Stephenson says anyone who tries it will see. Dr. Stephenson also cautions that video game therapy should be used in moderation, and only as a temporary substitute for real life.
DENVER, Colorado –
Two month old Aurora Dorsey has been removed from her mother’s care after Amy Dorsey told Aurora’s pediatrician she had been using marijuana to treat her baby’s colic. Although marijuana use is legal in the state, children are not allowed to use it recreationally and must have a prescription for medicinal use.
Amy told the infant’s doctor they would “clambake the bathroom” while the baby was inside, or gently blow smoke into Aurora’s face, which seemed to alleviate her colic discomfort and help her sleep through the night. Dorsey says, “I can’t believe they took her away over a little pot smoke. Besides marijuana has been proven to cure cancer. I saw all those St. Jude commercials and thought, ‘well at least this won’t happen to my baby.’”
Children inhaling secondhand smoke, whether from cigarettes or marijuana, are more susceptible to respiratory infections and more likely to get asthma. Since the legalization of marijuana in Colorado, child welfare agencies have been finding it harder to stop children from using marijuana. Social worker Denise Haze says that while she has seen her fair share of 3-18 year olds smoking marijuana, this is usually without parental consent.
DENVER, Colorado –
Carlton Moore, 38, says that he masturbates just like a normal guy – at least twice a day – but was extremely startled last week when a normal rub-n-tug caused him to ejaculate, shooting out a single sperm measuring over 2 inches in length.
“It was mind-boggling, really,” said Moore. “I swear, I thought when I came, I shot out some kind of dick tapeworm or something. Scared the ever living shit out of me. I collected it in a little jar I had, and brought it to the doctor.”
Moore was surprised to find when he brought in the specimen that it was, indeed, just an extremely large sperm.
“This is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this,” said Moore’s physician, Dr. James Baker. “Individual sperm are regularly microscopic, and hundreds of thousands to millions of the little guys are shot out during each ejaculation. In Moore’s case, he ejaculated, and it was just one big one. It’s really very curious, medically speaking.”
Moore has said that he has been consistently masturbating ever since, trying to replicate the sperm, but so far, no luck.
“I’ve been having several great days in a row here, that’s for sure. My arm is getting a little tired, but it looks buff,” said Moore. “I’m also more relaxed than I’ve ever been in my life. Here’s hoping the doctors can figure out what this all means, but in the mean time, I’m going to keep trying. Just glad that I wasn’t getting oral sex at the time this happened. Gross!”
BRIGHTON, Massachusetts –
A 52-year-old man who has reportedly used one bottle of nose spray a day for over 20 years was hospitalized after he burned a hole through one of his nostrils.
Ingredients in the nose spray, especially menthol, are reportedly to blame for the hole that has formed on one side of the man’s nose.
“It’s horrible, really, because now I look abysmal, and doctors aren’t sure they can fix it,” said the man, who chose to remain anonymous, but wish to get his cautionary story out to the masses. “On the plus side, I can breathe a whole lot better with this hole in my nose.”
“We want to repair the hole, and make [name redacted]’s face look normal again, but we know he’ll just end up ruining it with his nose spray habit,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Harvard Medical Center. “I haven’t seen someone snort this much of anything since my days of attending school at Yale with George W. Bush.”
Doctors are hopeful they can help to reduce the man’s nasal spray habit in hopes of rebuilding his face.