Man Uses Crowd Funding Website To Get ‘Ransom’ For Cat

Posted on August 2, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BROOKLYN, New York –

An unknown man has created a Kickstarter page where he claims he is holding a stray cat for ransom. The anonymous page went up to the Kickstarter website, which has its offices in Brooklyn, New York, on Thursday morning, with the goal of “I Won’t Kill This F—— Cat.”

The Kickstarter page features a man, his face blurred out, holding a gun to the head of a cat. The anonymous man has posted that if he doesn’t hit his goal of $60,000, then he is going to shoot the cat in the face and post a video of it online.

“There are no perks with this Kickstarter,” the page says. “You send me money. I don’t care if it’s a dollar or a thousand dollars. You’ll all get the same perk – and that perk is saving the life of this cat. If I don’t hit my goal, then I’m going to shoot this cat, film it, and post it online. Then everyone who saw this post, or heard about it, and didn’t donate any money, can know they had a hand it murdering an animal.”

According to Kickstarter, they are keeping the page up while they work with members of the FBI to track down the individual who posted the page. At this time, they are not sure if the page is a legitimate threat towards the animal, or if it is someone trying to capitalize on the fact that no one wants to see an innocent animal harmed, and may be willing to fork over their own money to make sure it doesn’t happen.

“It’s entirely possible it’s all a joke, and he’d never hurt the animal. He may just want to score easy money,” says Aaron Silver, lead investigator for the FBI’s Animal Crimes and Abuse unit. “At this time, though, we are treating it as if he is being serious, and working hard to track down the poster.”

Representatives for Kickstarter could not be reached for comment, but a person at their offices ask that all inquiries about the anonymous account or the page itself be directed to the FBI as they investigate.

“Kickstarter has been used for some good things,” said Silver. “We’ve seen great technology and even great movies get made with crowd funding. Granted, we’ve also seen a man collect almost $50,000 to make potato salad, but in the end this sort of ‘come-together-with money’ attitude can be great. Unfortunately, it can also be used by sickos who are preying on the internet population, hoping for an easy payday, notoriety, or both.”

At the time of this writing, the Kickstarter page had only managed to earn $27.

Porcelain Dolls Resembling Abducted Children Appearing On Doorsteps Of Parents

Posted on July 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN CLEMENTE, California –

Over the last several weeks, parents of children who have been abducted and yet-to-be found have been coming home to a disturbing sight; porcelain dolls resembling their children are tucked into baskets and left on their doorsteps. So far, 8 families have come home to a doll being placed at their door.

“It was extremely unnerving and frightening,” said Kathleen Davidson, the mother of a young girl, Natalie, who was abducted from their home last Easter. “We never found our daughter. The case is still open, but police more or less gave up. We came home last Monday and there was something in front of our door. When I got closer, I noticed it was a doll. I thought perhaps a neighbor’s child had been playing in our yard and left it, but when I picked it up, it gave me such a jolt to discover it looked identical to Natalie. It was even wearing an Easter dress just like the one she was wearing when she was taken.”

Davidson says that she called the police, but initially they ‘weren’t interested.’

“They sent an officer out, and he didn’t really have anything to say about it. They basically just assumed it was a coincidence,” said Davidson.

Over the next several days, other families of abducted children began to receive dolls at their homes as well. Police had already begun a full-scale investigation by the time the fourth call came in.

“We are embarrassed by the fact that we didn’t begin an investigation into the matter sooner,” said Captain Michael Lambert. “We started receiving numerous calls from families who had a doll left at their home. All the families have children that have been abducted, and none of those children have been found. The cases of the missing children range from the late 1980s until the present. One of the families had their child taken only a few short months ago. We are investigating the situation of the dolls to see if they have any connection to the person or persons who may be involved in the abductions.”

So far, police have no new leads on any of the open abduction cases, and are asking anyone with information to call their local police department.

Wal-Mart Bans Girls Scouts From Selling Cookies In Front of Stores

Posted on July 24, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Wal-Mart stores have announced this morning that they will no longer be allowing members of any Girl Scout troops to sell cookies in front of their stores, claiming that Girl Scout Cookies directly compete with their own ‘Great Value’ brand of cookies.

“We, as a company, have decided to no longer allow the Girl Scouts of America to sell their cookies in front of our establishments,” said Douglas Mcmillon, President and CEO of Wal-Mart Stores, INC. “We at Wal-Mart sell our own line of baked snack foods, including several cookie flavors that the Girl Scouts also sell. We have come to the decision that they are a competing brand, and management at all locations has been informed to deny permission to any troops looking to sell at their stores.”

Wal-Mart has been allowing Girl Scout troops to set up tables and sell their cookies in front of stores for decades. Suddenly and abruptly pulling their permission has come as a shock to many parents of young Girl Scout members, many of whom say they will boycott the company completely.

“I cannot believe that they would do something like this to our girls,” said Mary Lambert, a mother of 2 girls in the Scout program. “We have been going to our local Wal-Mart and selling cookies together as a group for the last 3 years. This is an outrage. If they think I’m going to buy their stupid cookies, they are dead wrong. I won’t buy anything there anymore!”

“We understand that people are going to be upset,” said Mcmillon. “There isn’t much we can do to change that. They sell Caramel Delites, we sell Caramel Fudge and Coconut Cookies. They sell Thin Mints, we sell Chocolate Mint Wafer Cookies. It’s about the Scouts stealing money from us, and we can’t have that. You don’t see Coca-Cola parked in front of Pepsi retailers selling their sodas, do you?”

Although not as numerous in locations as Wal-Mart, big box retailer K-Mart has stepped up to the plate, offering their locations as selling points for all Girl Scout troops.

“We don’t sell our own brand of cookies. To be honest, we don’t sell much of anything,” said Patricia Miller, president of Sears Holdings, the parent company of K-Mart. “All Girl Scout troops are more than welcome to block our entryways to sell their delicious cookies.”

Curiously, Wal-Mart has not banned the Boy Scouts of America from selling their popcorn tins in front of their locations. Parents of several Girl Scout members think it’s less about money, and more about sexism.

“Wal-Mart is known for being horrible to their workers, and being downright abysmal to their female employees,” said Lambert. “We think this is just more sexism from the biggest company in the world. They’re banning our girls, but the boys can shill their popcorn ’til the cows come home.”

Several troop leaders, as well as many groups of parents throughout the country, have initiated a boycott of Wal-Mart stores. At the time of this writing, Wal-Mart representative could not be reached for further comment.

Woman Sues Movie Theatre After 12-Year-Old Son Is Admitted To PG-13 Film

Posted on July 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TULSA, Oklahoma –

A mother in Tulsa, Oklahoma is suing the local movie theatre after her 12-year-old son was allowed to purchase a ticket to a PG-13 film without her consent. Mary Lambert, whose son Joe is only 12, says that she dropped her son off at the movie theatre to see the PG-rated film Minions with his friends, but instead they went to see the PG-13 rated film Pixels.

“My son knows that he is not allowed to watch those adult films until next year, and don’t you worry, he’s being punished at home, for sure,” said Lambert. “But someone has to be to blame for letting him into that movie, and that fault lies on the movie theatre itself. These ratings were put into law for a reason, and they’ve broken that law. They are going to pay for the warped mind my son will now have after seeing such adult content.”

“The movie ratings system is not a law, and this woman has no case whatsoever,” said Joe Goldsmith, owner of the Magic Lantern Cinema in Tulsa. “The MPAA, the group that gives these films their ratings, they only created this system to keep people, namely parents, informed about the content. They are not passed into law. Anyone can come in and buy a ticket to see any movie they’d like whenever they like. Our theatre, as well as most, do try and not allow children under 17 into R-rated movies, but that is a policy of our theatre, not a law. Even if the film was NC-17, that’s not law, that’s just a thought.”

Goldsmith is correct in his description of how the ratings system works, but Lambert is not alone in assuming that the MPAA ratings system – G for General Audiences, PG for Parental Guidance Suggest, PG-13 for Parents Strongly Cautioned (May Contain Content Inappropriate for Children Under 13), R for Restricted (Must be 17 or Have A Parent With You in the Theatre) and NC-17 for No Children 17 or Under Allowed – are laws that the movie theatres must follow. Over 85% of movie theatres, both independent and chain-cinemas, follow the rules of not allowing children under 17 to R-rated films, but that’s pretty much the only area the rules are enforced.

“We don’t play NC-17 films, like most movie theatres,” said Goldsmith. “If we did ever play one, we would not let anyone under 18 into that, either. Again, though – not because it’s a law, but because we feel that’s the right thing to do for the parents of this community.”

Lambert has said that she will take the case to the supreme court if necessary, and force them to uphold the MPAA ratings.

“Why make these ratings if you’re not going to enforce what they stand for?” said Lambert. “Why should I have to monitor what my kid watches? Do I actually need to get out of the car, stand in line with him, buy the ticket, and hold his hand all the way into the theatre? My God, next they’ll suggest I actually just watch a movie with him. Obviously these people have no idea that parents just don’t have time to pay that much attention to their kids. I should just expect them to monitor his films for me. He’s 12 – he is not allowed to see PG-13 films. End of story.”

Lambert has brought her case to a local attorney who will be filing the suit against the Magic Lantern at the end of the week.

FOX Broadcasting Company To Launch New Free Adult TV Channel ‘FXXX’

Posted on July 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Fox Broadcasting Company, the driving force behind over-air network FOX, and cable channels FOX HD, FX, and FXX, have announced the first adult TV channel to be broadcast free both as part of a regular cable subscription or streamed online. The new channel, FXXX, will feature hardcore pornographic adult films, as well as short movies and even amateur user-submitted content.

Normally, adult films are broadcast through cable or satellite providers solely as subscription channels, such as the Playboy or Hustler channel, or as on-demand features. FXXX plans to be the first channel to be included, at no extra cost, with every cable content provider in the United States.

“All of the FOX networks, whether they be over-air or pay-cable channels, have always pushed the envelope when it comes to content,” said Dana Walden, Co-Chairman of Fox Broadcasting. “With the launch of FXXX, we can’t push the envelope much further. If FX’s slogan was ‘There Is No Box,’ then FXXX’s slogan is ‘There Are Tons Of Boxes.’ This is going to be hardcore, in-your-face pornography. It will be what the Hustler channel wishes it could be, and it will make the Playboy Channel look like PBS.”

Walden went on to say that the network will also feature online streaming at no additional cost, and that funding for the channel – which will premiere ad-free – will be paid for by specific product placements throughout the films.

“Maybe Harry Longdick wears a Trojan brand condom in one scene, and maybe Tiffani Juggs gets thirsty and reaches for an ice-cold Pepsi in another,” said Walden. “There are plenty of opportunities for product placement in the adult film industry. Hell, we might even be able to get more creative with that Pepsi bottle, now that I’m thinking about it.”

Despite what most people think, there is nothing stopping any channel from showing any content they wish on their cable channels. The FCC, the agency in charge of “policing” the airwaves, does not actually monitor cable or pay channels.

“In fact, we don’t even really monitor over-air channels,” said a representative of the FCC who spoke to us anonymously. “Basically, if someone calls in and complains about something they saw on TV, then we assume that there are at least 1,000 other people who didn’t take the time to call. So if we get, say, 100 calls that Janet Jackson’s breast popped out at the Super Bowl, well then that must be 100,000 people who were offended! That’s how things work at the FCC.”

The FCC doesn’t at all monitor cable channels, but seldom do viewers see any excessive violence, language, or sex aired prior to 10PM.

“The networks like to police themselves. We can show whatever the hell we want, but we don’t want to alienate people,” said Walden. “FXXX will throw that entire concept right out the window, because we’re going to be showing people banging it out all day, every day. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to watch. If your kids watch it, well – they had to learn about reverse cowgirls and rusty trombones someday, right?”

FXXX will launch on all major providers, including Comcast, DirecTV, Dish Network, and Time Warner Cable starting in October.

Formula 1 Racer Decapitated After Violent Crash Flips Car

Posted on July 20, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOCKENHEIM, Germany –

Prominent Formula 1 racer Felipe Massa was killed in a crash during the German Grand Prix yesterday when his car became inverted in a horrific crash on the first corner almost immediately after the race began. He was killed instantly during the crash, the extremely poor design of the stock car causing his decapitation.

“It is with a heavy heart that we announce the passing of Felipe Massa in a crash during the Prix yesterday,” said Formula 1 representative Frederic Duerst. “Mr. Massa was a phenomenal driver who unfortunately perished competing in a sport that he loved, that he lived for. We pass our deepest sympathies on to his family, friends, and the rest of his team at Williams Engineering.”

Massa, who had grown up racing go-karts from the age of 8, became a world-class racer in his late teens, winning the European Grand Prix championship title when he was 19. He quickly worked his way up the ranks of racing, it finally being announced that he would join the Williams team alongside world-famous racer Valtteri Bottas.

The race, which was postponed for only a few hours following Massa’s death so his body could be moved and car towed away, was overshadowed by the horrific event. Teammate Bottas, who finished second in the race, was hoping for a victory.

“Felipe was one of the best drivers I’d ever seen, and he was a wonderful teammate and friend,” said Bottas. “He joined us in November of last year, and had a great future ahead of him in this sport. It’s a sad day for us, and a sad day for racing fans everywhere. That being said, though, I kicked some a– out there, huh? Second place? I’ll take it.”

Fans in the stands were both saddened and excited by the crash.

“Everyone comes to these races to see a good crash,” said Hans Uhl, a fan who follows the Mercedes team. “This crash was one of the most spectacular I’ve ever seen. Yes, a man was killed, but it was so cool to see [the car] flying through the air.”

Williams Engineering has said that they have plans to look over the entire vehicle to ensure it was not mechanical malfunction that caused the crash.

“We think it was just a bad day on the track,” said Williams Engineering spokesman David Black. “Formula 1 racing is a dangerous sport. They race in the worst-designed cars I’ve ever seen. Open tops, little restraints. Oh, and the helmets? My God, what’s the point? I’m surprised people aren’t dying out there every race.”

Massa will be interred at his home in São Paulo, Brazil. He was 33 years old.

Bodies Of Over 300 Babies Found In Arizona Landfill

Posted on July 19, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GREASEWOOD, Arizona –

The small town of Greasewood in northeastern Arizona has been shaken to its core this morning, after news broke that a local planned parenthood facility had been illegally dumping late-term aborted fetuses in the city’s landfill, which borders the clinic property.

Police were called to the Dayglo Planned Parenthood Clinic after workers on a nearby construction site saw clinic workers bringing small, plastic bags out into the yard several times a day and burying them in the trash and dirt.

“At first we thought it was just their regular trash,” said Aaron Shaw, an employee of Marshall Construction, the company working on the building next to Dayglo. “After awhile, we realized that almost every time a girl went in the front door, a small plastic package came out the back. It didn’t take much after that to put the pieces together.”

Medical examiners and police officials have been exhuming the remains of what has already been calculated is at least 300 babies since early this morning, and estimates are that there may be as many as 500 bodies buried in the landfill.

“This is truly the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in all my years on the force,” said José Orfebre, captain of the Greasewood Police Department. “I came here with my family when I was just a little boy, and I thought I’d seen the last of this kind of sickness when I left Mexico. It’s really just disgusting what these people have done.”

Arizona has laws preventing late-term, third-trimester abortions, but as is the case in many other states, there are unscrupulous doctors who will knowingly endanger their patients for the right amount of money. Greasewood is a small town, with a population of only about 600 people. Investigators have determined that women and girls from the surrounding towns were going to Dayglo after word spread that they would perform the abortions, no questions asked, for $300 cash.

“I was just performing a necessary service for these women,” said Dr. Michael Smith. “I had a girl come to me several years ago who had tried to literally perform an abortion on herself with a coat hanger. She was lucky that she didn’t injure herself worse than she had. At that point, I knew that I had to do something for the girls of Arizona.”

policebabies2 — The search continued Saturday afternoon through the Greasewood, AZ landfill for more remains of babies aborted at the Dayglo Clinic

Police arrested Dr. Smith and three other people from the Dayglo clinic, including two nurses and a receptionist. All four people are considered to have had first-hand knowledge of the illegal procedures being performed.

Authorities believe, based on the decomposition of several of the bodies pulled from that landfill, that Dr. Smith had been performing abortions illegally at his clinic for at least 6 years. He is being charged with medical malpractice and felonious abortion.

Whole Foods Market Becomes First Company To Require Employees To Have Visible Tattoos

Posted on July 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

In what many people are claiming is a publicity stunt to show they are a hip, young company, Whole Foods Market became the first company in the country to require that all of their store employees have visible tattoos.

Despite becoming more and more popular over the years, tattoos still have a stigma attached to them, especially from older generations. With many people today, both young and old, getting tattoos, Whole Foods said that they want to create a great, fun environment in a somewhat stagnant job market for anyone with body art.

“I personally don’t have any tattoos, but I think it’s a beautiful, creative way to express yourself,” said John Elstrott, CEO of Whole Foods Market, INC. “We decided, after numerous focus groups and discussions amongst our board members, that we want our employees to show off their creative sides. We want them all to have visible tattoos.”

Despite writing into their company’s regulations that they want everyone to be tattooed, that does not mean that current non-tattooed employees are losing their jobs.

“Quite the contrary, actually,” said Elstrott. “For our current employees who don’t have [visible] tattoos, we expect that you will go and get, at your cost, a long sleeve shirt and/or long pants. If you do not have visible tattoos, we don’t want your bare skin showing. Of course, you can always go out and get a tattoo yourself!”

Current employees of Whole Foods seem divided on the subject. Many of their employees have tattoos currently, but had to cover them up before the new rule. Others who had no tattoos, say that they don’t have any because they weren’t interested in getting one.

“I never got a tattoo because I didn’t want one. I like that I can wear short sleeve shorts to work,” said store supervisor Michelle Pickford. “Now they’re saying I actually have to go out and get a long-sleeve shirt, or get tattooed? It’s ridiculous. I made a life choice to not get a tattoo. What does that have to do with what kind of worker I am?”

“Personally, I think it’s the best damn thing any company has ever done for its employees,” said Joe Goldsmith, a stock supervisor at the Whole Foods store in Brockton, Massachusetts. “I’m covered in tattoos from my neck down to my wrists, and I’ve been stuck wearing long sleeve, turtleneck shirts my entire 4 years at Whole Foods. This is going to make next summer the best summer I’ve ever had working here.”

Whole Foods says that their new tattoo policy goes into effect starting August 1st. Per their current handbook, visible piercings are still forbidden.

Maine Enacts Law Forcing All Motorists To Wear Helmets Regardless Of Vehicle

Posted on July 13, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A new law passed by the Maine State Legislature yesterday will require all motorists to wear a helmet while driving, regardless of the vehicle. Maine is the first state in the country to adopt such a law, although several other New England states have been researching the idea for several years, including Rhode Island, Connecticut, and Massachusetts.

Maine governor Paul LePage (R), said that the new law would be a “huge leap forward” for the safety of the people of Maine.

“Before this law, we had no regulations on helmets at all. Motorcycles could whip down the highway at 70 MPH, and the driver was not legally required to wear any protection.” Said LePage. “This completely disregarded the fact that we had a seatbelt law for all occupants of regular cars and trucks. Why would we have one law, and not the other? It’s asinine. So we really went full-on with this new regulation.”

Previous law said that anyone, whether passenger or driver of a vehicle, must wear a seatbelt. This new law would also require them to wear a helmet, either bicycle-style or those designed for motorcycles – basically just something to protect the head in a crash.

“From now on, it doesn’t matter if you’re riding a Harley or driving a Honda, you are going to be required to put on a helmet.” Said LePage.

Opponents of the new law have not easily been silenced, including the Maine chapter of the Wheels of Satan , a notorious motorcycle club with several charters across the country. Members of the group are furious, personally blaming LePage for taking away their freedom to ride without a helmet, something they say they hold dear to their hearts.

“I hate helmets, and I came to Maine to avoid the strict helmet laws of other states.” Said Brent “Hefty” Capabianco, president of the Wheels of Satan’s Portland, Maine charter. “Not only are they forcing us to wear a helmet while riding, now I also have to wear a helmet when I get in my Godd— truck, too? This state is out if its mind. The Wheels are not happy, and we’re going to be making that fact known.”

The law, which was voted on yesterday, will take effect September 1st. At that point, police will be able to levy fines on any motorist not wearing DOT approved head protection. The fines begin at $75, the same as Maine’s seatbelt fines.

Teen Hospitalized After ‘iPhone vs. Android’ Argument Leads To Physical Altercation

Posted on July 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RENO, Nevada –

One teen is hospitalized and listed as being in critical condition, and another faces criminal charges in an assault case police are saying was caused by the “stupidest argument” they’ve ever seen.

Christopher Ramos, 17, was taken to St. Mary’s Regional Medical Center yesterday after an argument with Joseph Goldsmith, 16, over whether the iPhone or the new Samsung Galaxy S5 was the better phone. The argument happened during a house party at Goldsmith’s apartment.

“Chris was saying that his Galaxy was way better than my iPhone.” Said Goldsmith to Reno police. “At first I just laughed off how wrong he was, but he kept at it, talking about the better camera, the better battery life, the better apps, the better everything, and after awhile, I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

According to witnesses at the scene, Goldsmith jumped on Ramos and began punching him in the face, neck, and body, and eventually switched to hitting him over the head with his cell phone.

“I think if hadn’t put his phone into one of those heavy-duty LifeProof cases, it would have just shattered after the first or second hit.” Said Aaron Silver, a witness at the party. “Because he was protecting his flimsy phone, he was able to keep hitting him and hitting him. Man, I tell you, that case really did its job. [Ramos] ended up unconscious after a couple minutes. I filmed it all on my phone so I could share it on YouTube, but the cops confiscated it.”

The arguments on the internet have raged for years over which company produced better equipment, Apple with their iPhones and their dedicated Apple iOS, or the multitude of manufacturers that produce phones for Google’s Android operating system. With Samsung becoming the number-one seller of Android devices, their battles with Apple have only heated over the years. This is the first recorded case of the internet nerd-rage battle spilling into an actual assault.

“We have never seen anything so stupid as these bunch of nerds beating each other up over who has the bigger technological d—. Seriously, it’s just stupid.” Said veteran police officer Julian Lowe. “They weren’t drunk or high, there was nothing else going on. It was just a birthday party that got out of hand thanks to technology. That’s what crime has come to these days.”

Goldsmith was arrested and charged with 1st degree assault, assault with a deadly weapon, and battery. The original charges also included attempted murder, but lawyers were able to remove that charge. Goldsmith was released on bail and is due in court in August.