‘Super Rats’ Terrorize New York City

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

A new breed of ‘Super rats,’ immune to poisons and larger, stronger, and more aggressive than normal rats, have reportedly invaded the upper East Side on New York. Super rats are carnivores, and have so far been feeding on pigeons, cats, dogs, and other rodents but the US Department Of Health says they fear attacks on people could be next.

“The problem with super rats is officially out of control, we have known about rats plaguing the Bronx and Harlem for a while now, but when super rats start terrorizing the good people of the upper East Side, it’s time to do something about it,” said NYC Mayor Bill de Blaiso. “So today I am announcing a new tax, this additional one dollar “Super Rat Tax” on each and every pack of cigarettes sold in the city, will go to the safe and humane trapping of the super rats so they be relocated to New Jersey”

“He said what? If that communist thinks he can dump his rats here, he’s got another thing coming.” said Chris Christie, New Jersey Governor. “I’ll shut down the bridges! I did it before, I’ll do it again, I’ll take those super rats and launch them over the river so it rains rats all over the city night and day. I got one message for comrade de Blaiso: ‘sit down and shut up’, and don’t f*ck with Jersey.”

“Super Rats? I have lived in the upper East Side my whole life, and I have never seen a super rat. Hell, I’ve never seen a regular rat, if you can believe that,” said Carmine Classi, avid smoker, as he was interviewed on the street by WNYC-News 6. “Bill de Blaiso hates smokers, just like Bloomberg hated the fatties. Bill is an ultra-liberal nutjob who just wants to raise our cigarette tax again. He won’t be happy until no one smokes, and now he’s seeing rats? Well I got a message for Mr. Mayor, you’re the only r—…”

Unfortunately, Classi was attacked by a super rat mid-sentence, and was killed instantly. WNYC-News 6 reporters say they send their deepest regards to his family.

Golf Ball Hit From Moon During Apollo 14 Mission Found By Rover On Mars

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Abe Abrams

CAPE CANAVERAL, Florida –

NASA today confirmed images relayed to Earth by the Mars Rover are, indeed, a Titleist golf ball. Scientists were happy to report that the mystery of the golf ball has been solved, and that there’s a logical explanation for it.

”When the image of the golf ball was released, internet rumors ranged from golf playing aliens to the Mars Rover mission being a NASA hoax filmed here on Earth. I’m happy to report we have solved the mystery of the golf ball found in the Gabrielle Crater on Mars,” said Lead Mars Rover scientist Carl White. “The golf ball is none other than the one Alan Shepard hit off the lunar surface in 1971 during the Apollo 14 mission. When Mr. Shepard hit the ball on the Moon, with the Moon’s low gravity the ball was launched into space. We have calculated the ball traveled 35 million miles and took forty years to land on Mars.”

“Since the ball landed in Gabrielle Crater we are happy to say that a NASA astronaut now holds the longest hole in one record in golf history,” said president of Titleist Golf Company Joe Goldsmith. “Unfortunately, Mr. Shepard died in 1988, but I met him a few times, and I’m sure he would be proud to hold such a record.”

“Alan played golf all the time,” says widow Mary Shepard. ”I’m not sure how proud he would be though that the ball was found on Mars. When he got back from the Apollo 14 mission in 1971, he told me he was aiming at Uranus, so he must have hooked it.”

14-Year-Old Becomes World’s Youngest Gynecologist

Posted on January 20, 2015 by Abe Abrams

OAK TREE, Arkansas –

While most boys his age are playing video games, baseball, and dreaming of girls, Scott Simmons has women making appointments just to see him. At 14-years-old, boy-genius Simmons is the world’s youngest gynecologist.

“It’s a little embarrassing sometimes,” said Dr. Simmons. “I had to pick a speciality when I was 12, and my advisor said I was too short to be a surgeon. My older brother told me to be a gynecologist, he said I would thank him later, and boy was he right. I’m the only gynecologist in town, so I’m pretty busy. I really love my work, and I don’t think I’ll get tired of it – especially during the annual high school physical time.”

“He’s a really good doctor, and you can tell he loves his work,” said patient Mary Muffin, 19. “Sure, he giggles at the start of every exam, but he is just a kid, after all. I think sometimes his hormones get the best of him, because he can’t stand up after the examination, but he will grow out of that. It’s worth the giggles and hormones, though, because his small fingers get the job done gently. I used to travel to another gynecologist two towns over, and he was old and gross, with nasty long fingers. Ew.”

“I’m very proud of my son, and we all knew he was special from a young age,” said Scott’s mother, Nancy. “He completed elementary school at 5, and he was done with high school by 7. College and medical school just came very naturally to him. I do wish he consulted me before picking his field though, as I would have suggested becoming a family practitioner, or maybe a podiatrist instead. The hardest part of having a son who is a gynecologist is probably the same every one every mother of a 14-year-old has, though – getting him to wash his hands before dinner.”

Hasbro To Produce Jesus, Muhammad Action Figure Line

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

Let the battle for the heavenly kingdom begin! In a surprisingly anti-politically correct move, Hasbro has announced that they are going to begin selling Jesus and Muhammad action figures. The company says Jesus will have come in a play-set with 12 disciples, while Muhammad will come with his 9 wives.

“We’re pretty excited and nervous at the same time,” said Hasbro CEO Charles Cummings. “We’re excited for the new product line, and because kids all over the world will be battling for heavenly victory. Jesus and Muhammad will both come with Kung-Fu grip, and there will also be plenty of accessories including, tanks, fighter planes…plus AR15’s for the disciples and AK47’s for Muhammad’s wives.”

“We’re a bit nervous about the product line, because we know it’s going offend people. We have really beefed up security at our Pawtucket headquarters. We know that having only Jesus and Muhammad represented is discriminatory. If the product line does well, we do plan on expanding the line to include Buddha and whatever the hell it is that atheists worship.”

“It’s a rip off. Total junk – they’re just revamping GI Joe and Cobra Commander dolls,” said Carmine Classi, vintage toy collector. “I will get them, of course, when they go on sale. I’ll buy online, though, for sure. I wouldn’t feel safe going into a store that has the balls to put them on the shelves. No one is selling them yet, and that just makes me want them more.”

“So far, we can’t find anyone to sell them,” said Hasbro Marketing Executive Phil Phillips. “We really didn’t foresee this problem. Funny thing though – as it turns out, the Muslims are cool about it. Pictures of Muhammad are not cool, but action figures, I guess that’s alright. This time, it’s the religious right making all the noise to have the toys pulled. It must be the Jesus doll’s superpower of being able to turn water into grenades that’s getting them mad.”

Make-A-Wish Foundation Grants 9-Year-Old’s Wish To Direct Porno Film

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

AKRON, Ohio –

The parents of a 9-year-old boy have filed a lawsuit against the ‘Make A Wish’ Foundation, claiming that the charity let their son direct a pornographic film.

“My son Joey’s wish was not to direct a porno film,” said Lisa Stevens. ”He’s only 9, for God’s sake. He doesn’t even know what a porno is. Michael Bay is his idol, and he wanted to help direct a Michael Bay film. He wanted to direct Transformers 5, not Transgenders 5. They’re telling me it was a mix up, but there’s no way they’re that stupid. This is an outrage!”

“The Make-A-Wish Foundation grants wishes, it’s what we do. We do our best to get the wish as close as possible, but some are harder than others. The truth is, Michael Bay is a busy man, and Transformers 5 isn’t even being made yet. The kid wanted to be a director, so we got him on a set to direct for a day,” says Make-A-Wish spokesperson Will Watson. “I want to make it clear that Joey did not see anything inappropriate. We had him direct the pizza delivery scene. You know, the one where the customer ‘didn’t have enough money to pay?’ It’s in every adult movie. Joey didn’t see anything bad, and he seemed happy to be directing. We really don’t know what the big deal is.”

“I wish my Mom wasn’t so mad,” said Joey. ”I had so much fun directing! I mean, it kinda stunk there were no robots, but everyone was really nice on the set. I learned a lot about directing, plus I learned how to get a pizza for free! The best part is, they said the one scene I filmed will be in thousands of movies. Forget Michael Bay, I want to be the next Max Hardcore!”

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig: ’We Will No Longer Test For Performance Enhancing Drugs’

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

According to Commissioner Bud Selig, Major League Baseball will no longer be testing for steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Steroids, Human Growth Hormones (HGH), and other performance boosters will technically remain on the books as being against the rules, but Seilg says the league will move more towards what he calls an “honor system.”

“It’s a losing fight, really. Truth is, over 75% of players were testing positive each year,” stated Selig.”These drugs cause a wide range of health issues and shorten life spans. If athletes want to ruin their bodies for our entertainment, I say why not – God knows we’re paying them enough, they should put their bodies on the line for the sport.”

“Baseball needs all the help it can get,” said Boston Red Sox fan Joe Ruth. “People want to see home runs not line drives. It’s not enough to be good anymore, athletes need an edge. The players putting their lives at the most risk deserve the biggest paychecks. Putting an end to testing will put an end to players lying about it, too, so I definitely feel this is the right move.”

“I never used steroids, so I don’t think this is fair,” says former player Barry Bonds. “Players need to play and bleed and break records based on their God-given talent, like I did. If you give it time, the magic will happen, just like it did for me. I started bulking up, my hat size grew, I swear it was all natural. If it happened to me, it can happen for anyone.”

“Bonds is an idiot. If players want to kill themselves for my enjoyment, I’m all for it,” said Yankees fan Carmine Classi. ”If I gotta take drugs to be able to watch a game of baseball, they should have to take drugs to play it.”

Conan O’Brien Fired By TBS After Reportedly Tweeting Joke About Muhammad

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Late night talk show host Conan O’Brien has reportedly been released from his show, Conan, by TBS executives for tweeting a joke about the prophet Muhammad. The tweet was only posted for a matter of minutes, before a slew of complaints forced Twitter to remove the offending joke.

”I would like to personally apologize to the Muslim people for whatever Conan has said,” said TBS executive Bart Brennan. “I did not personally see the joke, but I want to make it clear TBS had nothing to do with it. I hope our swift firing of Conan, even before knowing any facts, proves that TBS cares about minorities and religious dogma. In closing, we at TBS are really, really sorry. As I said, we never even saw the joke, but I want to make it clear that we never really liked him anyway.”

Several famous friends of Conan’s were reached out to for their thoughts on his firing, but most celebrities reached by Empire News said that they were either ‘too busy’ to comment, or that they ‘didn’t care enough to have an opinion.’

“I want to let the Muslim people know that Conan O’Brien is no longer my client, and that we parted ways the minute I heard about the tweet,” said Sol Simmons, Conan’s former agent. “I want to apologize to the Muslim people, and I want to stress, I never saw the joke. The truth is, my partners and I never liked him anyway.”

Most late night television viewers say that won’t miss Conan’s show, as there were too many others to choose from as it was, with most people preferring Fallon, anyway.

“He has always been a disappointment,” said Conan’s mother Mary. “He was always a little pain, and I told him, ‘Conan, comedy is definitely not for you.’ I just want to apologize to the Muslim people and I want to make it clear that I have severed all ties with my son. I never saw the joke myself; I don’t even know what Tweeter is. Truth is, though, we never liked him anyway.”

O’Brien says that he’s not really too worried about finding more work.

“Someone out there probably likes me,” said the comedian. “As it is, I really don’t see the big deal. I wrote the joke myself, so it obviously wasn’t even funny.”

TBS has stated that they are considering replacing O’Brien with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and re-working the name to Late Night With Conan The Barbarian.

President Obama Names Rapper Snoop Dogg As Ambassador To Cuba

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The White House announced today the President’s pick for Ambassador to Cuba. The President has chosen rapper Snoop Dogg, a decision that curiously did not seem to ruffle too many feathers.

“My choices for Ambassadors have been the target of right-wing attacks in the past,” said President Obama. “It’s true some of my picks on the surface seem bizarre. Soap opera stars and campaign contributors who know nothing of the country or even the language of the countries they are appointed to. What people don’t realize is that it’s more important to represent America well than to actually care about the country you’re in.”

Obama went on to explain that he spends many hours laying awake at night, deciding who should be appointed to which country.

“My choice in appointing Mr. Dogg as Ambassador to Cuba is a good one, as even far right racists will have a hard time complaining. Mr. Dogg knows the language, he has family from Cuba on his Mother’s side, and since ‘his mind is on his money and his money is on his mind’, he has never contributed to any of my campaigns.”

“I’m going to be a great Ambassador,” said Snoop Dogg through a haze of smoke. ”I love Cubans, especially the ladies and the cigars. Those things can be rolled into the best blunts on the planet. I can see it now, me and Castro, smoking blunts at the beach, talking about freedom and democracy. It’s going to be chill. I’m all about chillaxing, love, and the American way. Cuba will be the most laid back place in the world once the Dogg gets there.”

Nevada To Abolish Mandatory STD Testing For Women In Legalized Brothels

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

CARSON CITY, Nevada –

The Nevada legislature earlier this week removed mandatory STD testing for legalized brothels from the state’s law books. Legislators from both parties agreed there was a “better use” for the money that the state has been providing for medical care for prostitutes.

“The term ‘buyer beware’ comes to mind,” said State Legislator Brian Bowser. “The state has been wasting millions a year on STD testing. It’s high time that we let the free market pay for it – brothels with the clean whores will get the most business. If you’re visiting a brothel, wear a condom for God’s sake, they give them out for free. My father once told me ‘Always assume a whore is a filthy whore.’ My father was a wise man.”

“Well, I’m not a filthy whore,” said Jenny Juggs, employee at the Clydesdale Ranch. “I shower at least 25 times a day. I shower after each client, and I get primped back up. Unless it was just a blowjob, then I just gargle with whiskey.”

“This means whores with STDs will be working at brothels, that’s great!” said Clydesdale Ranch regular Charlie Hutch. “I’m tired of paying full price for so-called ‘clean’ whores; Give me a half-price diseased one any day. I figure there’s nothing left out there for me to catch anyway, believe me, once you start seeing prostitutes, legal or not, there’s not much out there you don’t have. I’ve got all those STD’s already.”

“This is outrageous! I’ve been pushing for Nevada to outlaw prostitution for years,” said Pimp Big Willie. “Legalized prostitution cuts into my business. The girls that failed state STD tests become my best street walkers. Now where the hell am I going to get my bitches? This is bullshit.”

Disney’s ‘Cars 3‘ To Feature Company’s First Gender Confused Character; Mini-Cooper To Be Voiced By Justin Bieber

Posted on January 14, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Religious groups and parents are planning a worldwide protest after word came out about Disney’s Cars 3. The movie, which is slated to come out at the end of the year, will feature Disney’s first gender confused character. The car, named Chrys, will be voiced by Justin Bieber.

“We’re very excited to be moving forward like this. Disney is changing with the times, and we want to make movies that everyone can relate to,” said Disney executive Will Ryan. “It’s not all about prince and princesses anymore, and it hasn’t been for a while. A gender confused character is something we know that a lot of kids can relate to. We feel that getting Justin to voice the Mini-Cooper is just perfect. What two things better represent gender confusion than the Biebs and a Mini-Cooper?!”

“We’ve still got Larry The Cable Guy in this film voicing his character, Mater, and he becomes a sort of mentor to Chrys, who is a boy car, but with a very strong feminine side,” said lead animator Joey Goldsmith. “Chrys is a car that would rather sing and dance than race. With the help of his friends, like Mater and Lightning McQueen, Chrys learns it’s more important to be true to yourself then please your parents and other cars.”

“I had no idea my character was supposed to be gender confused, they just told me to be myself,” said Bieber. “I mean, all the lines felt perfectly natural, maybe even a little liberating. I mean, I’m a man, just ask anyone. I work really hard getting that image across. Sometimes though, I wish I could be more like Chrys the Mini-Cooper and just be myself.”

“Well I’m certainly not letting my kids see it.” said Janice Gold, a mother of 5 small children in rural Kentucky. ”Kids need to learn to be what God made them. There’s no picking and choosing your sex, and the whole idea makes me sick. Our family, and all the families in our church, are certainly going to be protesting this film, and every other Disney movie, too.”