NYC Mayor de Blasio Slams Police, Marches At Anti-Cop Rally

Posted on January 14, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio furthered the rift between himself and the NYPD by marching with anti-cop protesters yesterday, in a rally just outside the city. Mayor de Blasio, flanked by his wife and son, held signs and chanted along with protesters, calling for an end of the senseless murder of unarmed black men. In an interview with reporters, de Blasio challenged the NYPD to change.

”Not all cops are racist, but some are. Not all cops wake up and decide to murder a black man, but obviously some do. I worry for my son, who is African-American. I’ve told him if he is ever confronted by a cop to immediately put his hands up and yell ‘don’t shoot, my Dad’s the Mayor!’” said de Blasio. “In fact, I give all young black men and women permission to yell ‘don’t shoot, my Dad’s the Mayor!’” I challenge the NYPD to change its ways, to end racism in its ranks. I challenge them to fight fair when someone resists arrest, one on one, hand to hand, no more shooting an unarmed man, no more six-on-one.”

“I think the world would be a better without any cops,” said Protester Joan Williams. “Unless, of course, I was in trouble. I mean, they are good at helping people. Come to think of it, maybe people should stop breaking the law and resisting arrest, and maybe they should stop being violent. I guess it’s not really cops who are the problem after all.”

”The NYPD is the most diverse, most professional, and the best-trained agency in the world,” said NYPD Spokesman Sgt. Allen O’Hara. “We are entrusted with keeping the people of New York safe, and enforcing the laws of the city. What the Mayor should be doing is working to get the people to trust us, and understand we’re here to help, not here to harm. But, you know, not every mayor can be as great as Rudy Giuliani.”

Big Sean Alleges He Has Naya Rivera Sex Tape; Looks To Sell For $75M

Posted on January 13, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Over the years, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, Tonya Harding, and many more bared all on camera, and had their sex tapes leaked or sold to the public. Now, hip-hop artist Sean Anderson, better known by his stage name Big Sean, is looking for buyers of an alleged sex tape he made with Naya Rivera while the couple were engaged.

“This tape is a hot commodity, for sure. This isn’t just some has-beens or wannabes screwing on camera to get famous, this is two big names at the peak of their careers,” said Hollywood reporter Dennis Diamond. ”If it’s real, then everybody will want to get their hands on this tape. I mean, Naya Rivera isn’t exactly ugly or anything, if you know what I mean. If I had to guess whether or not a tape like this existed, though, I’d say no way in hell.”

“Let me just say here that I’m already tired of hearing ‘Naya this’ and ‘Naya that.’ This isn’t the Naya Rivera hour, bitches. I am the star of this tape, not Naya. They don’t call me ‘Big Sean’ for nothing,” the rapper said. ”Yeah, sure Naya is pretty, but it’s me that’s packing a fire hose down there. Big Sean don’t lie. I’m holding out for big bucks with this one. I want $75 mil plus for this tape, which has it all, baby. It also finally answers the question of whether you can put 20 pounds of potatoes in a 10 pound sack. The answer is yes, with leverage and tons of lubricant. Someone better buy this tape, I gotsta get paid.”

Karen Belton, River’s manager, said that aside from talking confusingly in both the first and third person, Big Sean is “completely full of shit.”

“There is no sex tape, and if there is, Naya is definitely not in it. Further, if there was a sex tape, Naya definitely would not give her permission for its release, so there isn’t going to be any payday here. Big Sean can just sit home and play with his Little Sean until the cows come home, because no one is ever seeing any tape of Naya in the nude, or engaged in any sex acts.”

Big Sean’s current girlfriend, Ariana Grande, had no comment on her man trying to make money off of sex with a former girlfriend. The couple, who have recently been subject to rumors that they were on the outs after Sean cheated, seemed cozy recently in pictures posted on their respective Instagram accounts.

A spokesman for Vivid Video, a major distributor of celebrity sex tapes and adult films, laughed and then immediately hung up the phone when reached for comment on the asking price of the sex tape.

Professional Boxing Bans Punches To Face, Head; Commission To Allow Body Punches Only

Posted on January 12, 2015 by Abe Abrams

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

The Association of Boxing Commissions have made what many are calling a ‘giant leap forward’ for their sport, announcing today that they are implementing new rules that seeking to make boxing ‘more civilized.’ Stressing concussions and boxer safety as the main reason, punches to the head and face will no longer be allowed in professional boxing. Strikes to the face will also be banned in boxing gyms and amateur training facilities.

“Too many boxers are suffering in retirement because of years of concussions and blows to the face,” said Commissioner Marvin ’Marvelous’ Mayberry. “That is not what boxing should be about. Boxing is not about violence; boxing is a dance, it’s an art form. Boxing is two men dancing, hugging, learning each others moves and all that can be accomplished during the match. All these same aspects can be displayed even better if we just focus on punches to the body.”

“Truth is, the gyms are empty, no one wants to box anymore, all the real men are moving to MMA,” said Louie ‘Lefty’ Lavine, a former professional boxer who retired in 1993, and is now a boxing trainer. ”With all the real, tough guys doing MMA, boxing really doesn’t have anyone left who isn’t a Mama’s boy. I can’t say I agree with the new policy, though, of no punches to the face. As it is, I already see too many MMA fighters wearing ‘Boxing Is For Pussies’ T- Shirts.”

“I think it’s a wonderful idea! My husband and I have been looking for a new cardio workout for a while, but who wants to punch your lover in the face?” said Ron Feelmore, a sports enthusiast in San Fransisco. ”I mean, who doesn’t enjoy jumping rope, silk shorts, and gorgeous robes? The only thing that was stopping us from taking up boxing before was our perfect teeth and hair, but with no punches above the neck, now it’s a perfect sport. All the fellows at the YMCA want to give it a try now. I tell you, it’s going to be fabulous!”

Oprah Winfrey Files For Bankruptcy

Posted on January 6, 2015 by Abe Abrams

CHICAGO, Illinois –

One of the most powerful women in show business has reportedly filed for bankruptcy. Oprah Winfrey – who just two years ago was worth an estimated $2.9 billion dollars – is now almost penniless, according to insiders.

“Poor financial decisions, poor political decisions, and now she’s just poor,” said Financial guru Max Manel. ”Her biggest downfall by far is her O Network. Ever since its conception, it’s been a giant money pit. Instead of just admitting failure and moving on, Oprah has been pouring millions more of her own money back in just to keep it on the air.”

“She also has made, multiple times, the poor decision of thinking she could be a political-backing powerhouse,” said analyst Connie Murphy. “Oprah has been wasting millions backing democrats on everything from small, local elections, to almost single-handedly funding both of Barack Obama’s campaigns.”

“She, like many people, really feels a need to be loved by everyone,” said Oprah’s close friend, Mary Williams. “Her self-esteem is horrible. All the expensive gifts she gave away on her talk show were just to get people to like her. Oprah buys people’s love with cash and presents. Until the O Network launched, and immediately bottomed out, she could afford to give out lavish gifts. But because of the complete failure of the network, plus the millions of dollars in cars, boats, trips, and every other ridiculous thing she gave away on TV, she’s just left broke.”

“It’s sad, so sad to watch,” said an anonymous intern at the O Network. “All she does is eat Bon-Bon’s and ice cream. Now that she’s broke, no one returns her phone calls. She watches E! News and sees Beyoncé and Jay-Z at parties with President Obama, and cries because she wasn’t invited, too. So, so sad.”

Oprah reportedly had no public comment on her bankruptcy.

8 Texas Girls Scouts Arrested In Drug Trafficking Bust

Posted on January 5, 2015 by Abe Abrams

DEL RIO, Texas –

8 girl scouts have been arrested for delivering more than just addicting cookies to homes in Del Rio, Texas. The girls have been accused of working closely with a Mexican drug cartel, delivering cocaine door-to-door in cookie boxes. The names of the girls are being withheld due to their ages, ranging from 12 to 14.

“At this time, we are not sure how long the cartel has been using girl scouts,” said Del Rio Sheriff Wayne Walker. “The truth is, we stumbled on it accidentally when two of the girls delivered a box of cocaine to one of my deputies instead of dropping off the Samoas and Thin Mints he ordered.”

According to Walker, Deputy Johnson received a ¼ kilo of cocaine instead of the boxes of cookies he was expecting.

“We started surveillance of the girls immediately after, and made the bust when we were sure we had the major players. In total we apprehended 8 girl scouts, 6 customers, and one driver. We also recovered a van full of thin mints with each box containing ½ kilo of cocaine, with a total street value of approximately 20 million dollars, plus about $120 in cookies.”

“I’m not sure why the Thin Mints delivered to my house only had a ¼ kilo instead of a ½ kilo of cocaine,” Deputy Johnson said via Skype while on vacation in Aruba. “It’s one of those mysteries we’ll never figure out I guess. The girls have lawyered up, and they’re not talking.”

Girl Scout Spokesperson Sally Smith says that you can’t blame the girls, and that they are just doing their best.

“These girls were obvious troubled youths. The Girl Scouts of America pride themselves of turning troubled girls around to a righteous path, but unfortunately we can’t help everyone,” said Smith. “With the knowledge that these girls had been selling cocaine, though, we have decided to give them their ‘Big Earner’ merit badge, which goes to only the most tenacious girls who are definitely future entrepreneurs!”

Georgia Legislature Passes Reparations Bill; Gov’t To Give $2,500 To Every Black Male

Posted on January 3, 2015 by Abe Abrams

ATLANTA, Georgia –

In a move to finally make some amends for slavery, the Georgia State Legislature has passed a reparations bill that will go into effect immediately. The bill, which met very little opposition, will give every black male resident of the state of Georgia a tax-free check for $2,500. The deadline to register for the checks will be April 1st, 2015, with checks set for a November mailing.

“I pushed for this bill to pass and I pushed hard,” said Governor Nathan Deal. ”My fellow Republican governors and I felt it was the time was right to say ‘I’m sorry’. Slavery was a dark time in our history, and no amount of money could ever truly make amends, but all we could afford was $2,500, and even that was pretty damn hard to get.”

“It wasn’t easy getting Obama to release the money from the federal reserve, so I don’t think other states will be able to pass their own bills, at least not soon,” said state representative Bill Jones. “Since it looks like it will only be Georgia, I encourage all black males to move to Georgia and set up residency by Jan. 15th, 2016 if you want your money. Georgia has a lot to offer; good schools, warm weather, and an international airport in case you would like to spend that $2,500 on tickets to Africa or Jamaica or whatever. However you spend the money is your business, but remember it’s only for Georgia residents, so move to Georgia and remember, ‘We’re sorry.'”

“Is Obama an idiot? The republicans hoodwinked him good here,” said Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren. ”If all the African-Americans move to Georgia, who’s going to vote democrat in the other states? Obama just handed the electoral college to the republicans for 2016. Damn him. The least he could do was do it right and have the greedy corporations pay for it.”

Mike Tyson To Get Title Shot This February In Comeback Attempt

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Actor, Author, ex-con, cartoon star, and former heavyweight champion of the world Mike Tyson is getting a comeback title shot next month at the ripe old age of 48. Current champ Wladimir Kitschko is putting his three title belts on the line to fight the aging Tyson in what will be sure to be a major pay-for-view event for fans, as well as a big payday for both fighters.

“I mean who the hell is Wladimir Kits…Kitsco…kitty cats, anyway?” asked Mike Tyson to a room of reporters trying desperately to stifle their laughs. ”I had to Google it, ’cause I had no idea who this chump champ was. Boxing needs me, ain’t nobody have to Google Mike Tyson. I’ve got the most recognizable face in sports, maybe the world, and that was even before the face tattoo. I still got it. Shit, I’m not even training for this one. Just watch. I’ll knock his ass down in one punch.”

Insider reports say that the fight could net Tyson a near $5 million payday, win or lose.

“Yeah, you know, I don’t even wanna fight that bad. It’s not that I can’t, I just don’t care. But I do care about that money, baby,” said Tyson. “I need to make it now, and not piss it all away like last time. That cartoon show money isn’t going to come rolling in forever.”

”My man Iron Mike is back, and the world of boxing has suffered in his absence,” said legendary boxing promoter Don King. “No one cares about boxing anymore, all you hear about is the mixed martial arts. It’s sad when two men hugging each other on a mat is more popular than boxing. That’s why me and Mike have come out of retirement. Don’t listen to Mike when he says it’s for the money – heck, after my 70% off the top he won’t have much left anyway. This fight, it’s about pride in the sport. Pride in America. It’s about showing age is just a number and you’re never to old to achieve your dreams. And yeah, okay, it’s about the money too.”

NASA Scientists Admit Moon Landing Was A Hoax

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOUSTON, Texas –

NASA officials today admitted what many conspiracy theorists have been claiming for years, that man never walked on the moon. Chief scientist Alan Anderson said the lunar landing hoax had ‘gone on long enough,’ and that it was becoming ridiculous to keep claiming that men have been to the moon.

”You have to understand, NASA was under a lot of pressure when President Kennedy promised the Nation that he’d put a man on the moon before the Ruskies,” said Space Technology Scientist Alan Anderson. “We told him it was impossible, so he knew it had to be faked.”

“As the story goes he threatened to cut off funding if we didn’t go along with the hoax,” said NASA engineer Rod Sterling. “People are smarter these days, and it’s getting more ridiculous and more difficult to keep the lie going. We’re coming forward today to put an end to the lies and the manipulation of the public, and to put a stop to a planned 2018 hoax Mars mission. NASA does a lot of good things, and our technology advances have helped mankind in many ways. I just don’t want to see us waste our time and your tax dollars. We have real work to do.”

NASA spokesmen said that President Obama had, like all presidents before him, knowledge of the hoax, and was required to keep it a secret by the CIA and the White House.

“In the government, it’s normally extremely hard to keep a secret. Something like this, I can’t believe we’ve been able to keep it going this long,” said Anderson. “I mean, Nixon couldn’t keep a break-in at a hotel under wraps, and Clinton couldn’t keep his affairs out of the media for more than 5 minutes. I honestly can’t believe no one has spilled the beans before now.”

Bill Cosby Confesses: ‘I Was Abused As A Child By Buckwheat’

Posted on December 29, 2014 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In a shocking confession, Bill Cosby admitted that he was abused by Our Gang childhood actor William ‘Buckwheat’ Thomas. Cosby says he blames his own misconduct on the abuse he himself faced.

“Buckwheat was my idol, I watched Our Gang all the time. I just thought he was so funny,” said Cosby. “When I was 7 I finally got my chance to meet him, when my parents took me to the studio where they filmed a lot of the shows. He was my idol, he was a groundbreaking actor for my generation. I don’t want to go into exact details because it’s upsetting, but I will tell you some of the parts I remember. I think this may explain the demons that plague me still.”

Cosby said that although he has blocked out a lot of the traumatic memories, he feels that now is the time to share what he can recall, in hopes that people will get a better understanding of his own life.

“Buckwheat invited me to go back to his house and play, and my parents let me go. I was so excited! I was young, and Buckwheat told me that he could talk to producers, maybe get me on the show. It was amazing! I didn’t know any better. I remember Buckwheat giving me a glass of Coca-Cola, and I started feeling woozy. Then he was whispering to me as I fell asleep, and he was saying,’ It’s Otay, it’s Otay lil’ Bill.’ A couple hours later I woke up, and my underwear was on backwards. That’s all I remember. I think that explains a lot and you see, I’m a victim too. So can we please just forget about all this ugliness and move on with our lives, now? A life without lawsuits and possible criminal charges?”

“That’s bullshit,” said Buckwheat’s daughter Mary Thomas. “How dare Bill Cosby try to ruin my Father’s memory?! My father was a great man, and Bill is just trying to deflect his rape problems onto my father. He’s obviously a liar, as he’s denied every allegation against him. One person, sure, maybe she’s a fame-seeker. When, like, 40 women come forward…ugh. I know I shouldn’t get upset, my Father was a peaceful man and a forgiving man, I’m sure if he was alive today he would tell me ‘It’s Otay Mary, it’s Otay. Cosby is just a little bitch.'”

Rare Feline Disease Projected To Kill Millions Of Cats, Experts Fear Extinction

Posted on December 28, 2014 by Abe Abrams

ATLANTA, Georgia –

America’s second-favorite pet is in a battle for its life, and looks like it’s losing. Cats, both domestic and feral, have been dying in alarming numbers across the country, and veterinarians working closely with the Center For Disease Control have been seeking to find a cure for this new feline disease.

“We have diagnosed a disease, but cannot control it. It’s spreading at an alarming rate, and we can project death rates into the millions by summer. If your cat has been urinating more than usual, or being extra vocal, it could be the first signs of the disease,” said Alan Anderson spokesman for the CDC. “While a cure would not be impossible to find, we at the CDC quite frankly have better things to focus our energies and research on.”

Anderson said that while the CDC has been looking to find a cure for the disease, they have been also dealing with massive amounts of paperwork leftover from the recent Ebola scare.

“We’re very tired after that whole Ebola thing,” said Anderson. “This new cat disease, known as Feline Urinary Cartilage Abdominal Track Syndrome, or FUCATS, for short, is easily spread, and it could very well mean an end to cats altogether. But, here at the CDC, our main concern is human diseases and controlling and containing their spread. Possibly dog diseases, too, but certainly not cat diseases.”

“Many in my field feel that FUCATS is a godsend,” said veterinarian Mark Miller. “I look forward to the day I can go to work without being scratched by those soulless creatures. For felines, FUCATS is a horrible way to die. Their intestines turn into hard cartilage, and it’s very painful. It’s so painful for the cats, it’s almost hard for me to enjoy watching them die, but I manage.”

“It’s horrible. I mean, they could cure it, but they can’t be bothered,” said Margaret McCoy of Duluth, Minnesota, owner of 15 cats. “My babies are all I have. I guess I could get a dog. I always wanted a dog, and I hear one dog equals the love of 15 cats. But, still…I’ve grown attached to these furry little guys, the litter being tracked all over the house, and the smell of ammonia in the air. I hope that FUCATS doesn’t get my little fur-babies!”