Harper Lee Dies, Internet Assumed Author Passed Years Ago

Posted on February 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Harper Lee, the prolific author who wrote the classic novel To Kill a Mockinbird, died on Friday at the age of 89, according to her publisher.

Sadly, the internet generation took little notice, with most assuming that the author was long dead.

“I had to read that boring mess when I was in junior high school,” said high school senior Jordan Matthews on his Twitter. I assumed that he was long dead.”

“I don’t know who this Mr. Lee is, but apparently he’s dead now, ” said another twitter user. “I think he wrote that book about birds or something.”

Confusingly, most of the posts on Twitter referred to Lee as a man, because teenagers apparently have no concept of literature in this day and age.

“I’m glad that Harper Lee died, because now we probably won’t have to read that stupid book in class,” said Facebook user Miranda Lucas. “Ugh, books are stupid.”

Ted Cruz Admits He Was Zodiac Killer

Posted on February 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

What started as an internet meme and joke has become a startling reality, as Senator Ted Cruz, presidential hopeful, admitted today that he was, in fact, the Zodiac Killer.

“It was me who killed all those people in California in the late 60s and early 70s,” said Cruz to a room full of shocked reporters. “Yes, I know that I wasn’t actually born until 1970…or was I?”

Cryptic information not withstanding, the internet has run with the admission, and several conspiracy theory websites are in an uproar over the information.

“Obviously what happened is that Ted Cruz wins the election this year, and in his rise to power, he amassed a small fortune. He then used his powers and money to direct government agencies to build him a time machine that he then uses to go back and become the Zodiac Killer,” said conspiracy theorist Airi Shay. “Clearly it’s the only possible explanation. How else could a person who wasn’t even born kill all those people?”

Cruz, so far, has denied any allegations that he is a time traveler.

Internet To Shut Down On April 2nd For Routine Maintenance

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FERNANDO VALLEY, California –

The entire internet throughout the entire world will be shut down for routine maintenance on April 2nd, for what officials say will be approximately 12 hours.

“This is the first time we’ve had to do this since the internet was created, but approximately every 30 years or so, we need to take the entire internet offline for awhile so that we can make routine updates to the servers, wires, and networks,” said White House Technology Staffer Joe Goldsmith. “The US Government is working closely with private agencies in this country to make sure that all internet and bandwith meet a certain standard. Similar measures will be taking place throughout the rest of the world at the same time.”

According to Goldsmith, all major internet carriers will send out their own workers to update, replace, and generally tend to any issues or “holes” in their network. The repairs will be handled on an individual company basis, but that the government will oversee the entire project.

“We are extremely sorry for the issues, but all internet will be offline for just about half a day,” said Goldsmith. “This includes tablets, cell phones, computers, smart watches – literally anything that connects to the internet will not be able to connect for approximately 12 hours on April 2nd. We apologize for the inconvenience, but this will not happen again until the year 2050.”

Banks To Offer ‘Free Money Day’ On March 30th

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WALL STREET, New York –

After an extremely banner year in 2015, many major banks across the United States, including American Bank and TD Banknorth, are planning on offering a ‘free money day,’ where their customers can stop by any branch location and have an extra bit of cash deposited into their savings or checking account.

“Basically, most major banks had extremely an extremely good year last year. We make a lot of money off of people by imposing ridiculous, unnecessary fees, and we’d like to pay that back now,” said TD Bank CEO George Fulton. “I mean, $35 every day you’re overdrafted, it adds up, right? As an example, we took in over $250 million in bank fees last year. We love money, but we’re also happy to share that back with our great customers who paid it to us in the first place.”

Bank fees, which are a notorious pain in the ass for anyone who has ever had to deal with them, are the biggest gripe among customers of all banks nationwide. Fulton says that this is a way for banks to “save a little face,” and get customers to fall back in love with banks.

“Stop into your local branch of any bank, and you will be eligible for a deposit in your account from anywhere from $45 to $250,” said Fulton. “It’s as simple as that. No catch, no fees, no issues. Just ask, and you’ll receive the money.”

Fulton says that banks are choosing the amount to pay based on account history and fees paid in.

Father Marries His Twin Daughters In First Incestuous Polygamous Relationship

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PROVO, Utah –

John Jacob Schmidt, 50, was recently wed to his two twin daughters, Marna and Mary, 22, in what has become the nation’s first incestuous polygamous marriage, say Utah state officials.

Utah is known for its heavy population of Mormons, who believe and practice in polygamy, which is taking multiple wives. Although not legal, many small towns in Utah allow for the practice, although in the case of Schmidt, he was taking his relationships to the next level.

“I have never in my life loved anyone more than I love my daughters,” said Schmidt, beaming proudly in his finest overalls and tie. “Even my first 8 wives were not as important to me as my daughters. After all of my wives died, the only family I have left are Marna and Mary, and they want this just as much as I do.”

“I love my daddy, and I would do anything to make him happy,” said Mary. “Marna and I, we have been sharing our daddy’s bed since as far back as we can remember, and we’ve always felt nothing but the deepest, hardest love from our father. This is a dream come true.”

“I think that every girl dreams of marrying a man just like their daddy, and this is just taking that to the next logical step, and doing just that,” said Marna. “Mary and I want this. Our Daddy wants this. It’s an amazing feeling to know that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with the man you love.”

Federal Government To Impose 3 Marriage Limit

Posted on February 19, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a landmark decision, congress has ruled that citizens of the United States would be entitled to a maximum of 3 marriages, citing the excessive divorce rate that has burdened the nation.

“Plenty of people have gotten married multiple times, and it’s silly and absurd,” said congressman Joel Mitchell (R – Georgia). “Marriage should be a one-time-only event. You get married, and you stay with that person forever. I will admit that sometimes, marriages don’t work. I’ll even let someone get in a second marriage. It was the members of congress that voted, and set the limit at 3.”

According to Mitchell, the new law would not in anyway affect those that have had more than 3 marriages and are currently single, they just would no longer be able to get married again. For those people who are in the 4th or higher marriage, the union would become automatically annulled.

“We want people who are in marriages that are rocky to work things out, not just call it quits,” said Mitchell. “We hope that, in time, people understand that marriage isn’t a game, and that you can’t just walk out when the game gets tough.”

Obama Looks To Pass ‘No Texting While Eating’ Law

Posted on February 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Almost every state in the country has laws against texting while driving, but it looks as though President Obama plans to take the “no texting” rule even further, seeking to have congress help him pass a law that would ban people from using their phones while eating at restaurants.

“When we have dinner as a family, I tell the girls that they are not allowed to have their phones out at the table, and in turn, we have a lot more family things to talk about. We have more fun,” said President Obama. “When I am out, eating at restaurants, no matter where I am in the world, I see people with their faces down in their phones, missing out on the world around them, and losing out on the family time.”

Obama says that he hopes to get the law passed so that more people are encouraged to actually interact with others, and not be so tied into technology at all times.

“I’m the most powerful man in the entire world. If I can find the time to put down the phone, anyone can,” said Obama.

Smokey The Bear Dies In Horrific Forest Fire

Posted on February 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SANTA CLARA, California –

The devastating wildfires that have struck California over the last few years have claimed a new life this week; Smokey The Bear, everyone’s favorite childhood spokesman that wasn’t Scruff McGruff, was killed after a wildfire burned down the area in which he lived.

“It’s tragic that we have to report the loss of our beloved friend, Smokey the Bear,” said LA County fire marshall John Higgins. “Smokey the Bear was a true, humble bear, and he made all bears look good. He knew that only you could prevent forest fires, which is why he wasn’t able to do anything about the fire that struck his home, killing him.”

Smokey’s body was found charred and burned after a fire in a chunk of land was put out. He was recognizable by his little bear hat and shovel, which lay nearby.

Caitlyn Jenner Upset People Already Stopped Talking About Her

Posted on February 18, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly ‘extremely upset’ that news outlets have stopped talking about her, and sources are saying that she is looking for her next big announcement and “courageous act” to get back in the news.

“In the 70s, Bruce Jenner was a hero for doing something sports related, which is just stupid – athletes aren’t heroes, and neither are Olympians. They’re just playing games,” said Richard Mario, a reported for the LA Times. “Now, Bruce Jenner has become Caitlyn Jenner, and we all reported on that. Blah blah, she’s a hero for doing it in the public eye, blah blah. She’s not a hero for transitioning, either. She’s still a bigoted, anti-gay marriage, rich republican. People have realized it, and that’s why they’re not talking about her.”

According to her closest friends, Jenner says that she may transition back to being a man just so that her name can be in magazines and newspapers again.

“She’s really upset, and she’s trying to think of what she can do so that people don’t stop talking about her,” said her friend, Marianne Jones. “I think her Kardasihan former step-children have really gotten to her, and now she wants to be just like them. She’s even talking about transitioning back into a man! I mean, she was on the cover of Vogue, now she could go back and be on the cover of Men’s Health!”

Red Cross Announces It Has ‘Too Much Blood,’ Asking For Volunteers To Take Some Back

Posted on February 17, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The Red Cross, the company known for constantly being “in need” of blood, has announced for the first time ever that they actually have a surplus of red cells and plasma, and are looking for volunteers who may want to have a little extra blood added to their systems.

“For the first time in the history of our organization, we have too much blood,” said Red Cross spokesman Mary Lambert. “I’ve never seen anything like it. All those ‘in need’ campaigns worked, and people came out in droves. Couple that with less people needing transfusions, and we have too much blood. So much blood, in fact, that we’re giving it away!”

Lambert says that the Red Cross will be setting up stations in hospitals, American Legions, malls, and other areas that would normally be for blood donation, but will now be for giving back.

“If you’ve ever given blood before, you are welcome to come take some back for free,” said Lambert. “If it is your first time dealing with the Red Cross, then we ask for a small donation of $15, and we will supply you with up to one pint of fresh, warm plasma.”