‘Steampunk’ Hipster Cuts Off Leg, Replaces It With Fake Copper One

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHICAGO, Illinois –

A self-proclaimed “Steampunk” fiend and all-around douchey hipster, Mark Andrews, says he cut off his own leg and replaced it with one made of solid brass, copper, and idiotic trinkets and clock wheels.

“See, not everyone understand what being a real steampunk is,” said Andrews, apparently enlightening the world by wearing dumb costumes. “We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of the dreams.”

According to urbandictionary.com, “steampunk” is a lifestyle choice, wherein the participants embrace deliberate anachronism and quasi-anachronism as seen in steampunk fiction. Often characterized by modifying one’s electronic gadgets to make them look a century out-of-date.

“Basically, I like to take cool, new shit, and make it look old and out dated,” said Andrews. “I took it a step further, though. See, part of steampunk is also a bit of pirate, so I went with the peg-leg thing for awhile, but it wasn’t cool enough. So I said to myself, ‘Mark if you’re going to do this, don’t half-ass it.’ So I chopped off my own leg, and now I have a steampunk leg. To be honest, the ladies love it.”

‘Mein Kampf’ Copyright Runs Out January 1st; Slew Of Filmmakers Ready To Tackle Story

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The copyright held on Hitler’s manifesto, Mein Kampf, runs out on January 1st, 2016, and there are already a dozen filmmakers readying their big screen version of the leader’s book.

Stephen Spielberg, who is best known for his films Jurassic Park and Schindler’s List, says that he has been working on a screenplay for the big screen adaptation of Mein Kampf for over a decade, merely waiting for the copyright to expire so that none of Hitler’s relatives would be able to profit from the book.

“Oh yeah, I’m a big fan of Hitler,” said Spielberg. “I mean, I made Schindler’s List because I was really interested in that time period, and in Hitler specifically, but I couldn’t make the movie I wanted to make back then. The studios were definitely not letting me make a Mein Kampf film. They were never going to purchase the rights. Now that the copyright is expiring, I can make it a great, huge, holiday film.”

Other directors, including Kevin Smith, John Waters, and JJ Abrams are also in the process of writing screenplays based on Mein Kampf. Smith, who is known for his satirical and comedic films, says that he is planning on titling his film Mein Kamfy Chair, and telling the story of Hitler’s favorite Lay-Z-Boy.

Man Severs Spine Trying To Be Hero; Attempted To Lift Car Off Trapped Child

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

The Northeast was hit with their first major snowstorm of the winter, and numerous accidents were reported across several states. In New Hampshire, one man is now paralyzed from the waist down after he attempted to lift a car off a child who was trapped after an accident.

“I was right behind the car as it went off the road, and flipped down into the ditch,” said Mario Lemmon, 32. “It was the scariest thing I ever saw. I ran right over to the car, and I saw that the driver, a woman, was dead. Her head had come clean off. There was a child trapped inside, though, and with all my blood pumping, I was so jacked I just thought, ‘shit, I can lift this.’ Turns out cars are heavy.”

Doctors say that Lemmon attempted to lift the car entirely with his back, in a jerking, twisting motion. Proper protocol for a heavy lift is, according to doctors and physical therapists, to do so with your legs.

“I guess in all the excitement, I got confused, and I just went at it, heave-ho,” said Lemmon. “But hey, you know, at least I tried. That’s more than a lot of people would do.”

Lemmon will be paralyzed for the rest of his life. Both the child and his mother, who were not identified, ended up dying at the scene of the accident.

Company Announces Plans To Release Sex Toys For Children

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DES MOINES, Iowa –

A new startup has announced plans to release a line of sex toys aimed entirely at children, according to the company’s Kickstarter page.

The Lil’ Sexy Tykes Toy Company says that there is a massive, untapped market for children who like to masturbate, and want to experiment with toys and other items.

“Everyone masturbates. Babies in the womb are masturbating. It’s not wrong, and it won’t cause you to go blind or get hair palms, we all know that,” said company CEO Mike List. “We know that even children are masturbating, but we also know that they want to be able to enjoy sex in the same way adults do – although we don’t encourage them to actually experience intercourse, we would like them to enjoy dildos, penis-rings, clamps, and those types of things. Smaller versions, of course.”

List says that he got the idea after he walked in on his 9-year-old son masturbating.

“I had no idea that he even did that sort of thing, or knew how,” said List. “Later, we talked about the Birds and The Bees, as it were, and he confessed he’d been masturbating for over a year. I knew that there were other kids out there, too, who also masturbated, and probably wanted to try new things.”

List’s Kickstarter for his Lil’ Sexy Tykes Toy Company is seeking $30,000 for manufacture and distribution of the toy line.

New Year’s Eve Celebration In Times Square Cancelled Over Terrorist Threat

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

If you were planning on hitting the Big Apple tonight, you may need to make a change of plans. According to the FBI, they’ve had to force planners to cancel the ball dropping in Times Square, an event that has taken place for decades.

According to the reanimated corpse of Dick Clark, who has been hosting Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve for the last 90 years or so, the event normally goes off without a hitch, but this year, federal authorities were worried about issues arising from ISIS.

“I’ve been dead for a few years, so I’m not really up on this ISIS thing,” said the zombie Dick Clark. “Ryan Seacrest has been hosting this show for the last few years, and he tells me that since no one is really watching it anymore anyway, it’s not really a big loss that we won’t be doing it.”

Thousands of people had already gathered in New York City by the time of this writing, although police say they are working with the national guard to peacefully disperse the crowds.

New Drug ‘Kratom’ Kills Teenager In Massachusetts

Posted on December 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

Tiffany Maestras lost her son Lawrence to a drug she did not even know existed, and now, she wants to warn other parents about Kratom.

Erowid.com classifies Kratom as a stimulant, depressant, and intoxicant, which to teens looking for a high spells “fun, fun, fun.”

“The leaves are chewed as an opiate substitute and stimulant in Thailand and South-East Asia, primarily among the working class. It has a relatively long history of human use,” said doctor Jeff Myers. “To teenagers, this means it must be safe enough. Why not give it a whirl?”

Teen user Dave says, “It’s easier than trying to find someone to buy you beer. The only thing is you have to wait 2-3 weeks for your order to come in. The high is fucking tit, though.”

Maestras says her son overdosed when he was dared to do the “Kratom Challenge.” He made a strong tea by boiling an entire package of Kratom. After it cools, they chug the tea followed by a case of beer.

“All the kids are going to be doing it now that they find out someone got so high they died,” says Maestras. “I know how kids are. They’re stupid, and they’ll try anything. I mean hell, look at the Cinnamon challenge. Dumb.”

‘Isis Books and Gifts’ Shop Owner Assaulted for Terrorism

Posted on December 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Karen Charboneau-Harrison, owner of Isis Books and Gifts was taken to the hospital after being assaulted with rotten eggs and rocks in the parking lot. She says she is being mistaken for a terrorist.

Isis is the ancient Egyptian Goddess of Mother Nature, not to be confused with the terrorist group ISIS, which stands for the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria.

After repeated acts of vandalism at her store, Harrison re-branded the store as Goddess Gifts and Books, replacing the sign that vandals had smashed. She thought her troubles were over.

“Since I am not even a person of color, this is particularly surprising to me. I mean, I got myself a tanning package for Christmas, but I’m not out there in a burka. Regardless, that sort of thing shouldn’t matter,” said Harrison. “We need to stop lumping everyone together and making assumptions about people. I own a hippie shop on Colorado. Peace and love man. One look in my store and you’ll know that’s what we’re all about.”

Man Arrested For Killing His Roommate After He Touches Food With Dirty Fingers

Posted on December 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Benjamin Hopes admitting to hitting his roommate, Paul Bard, seven times in the face with a cast iron skillet.

If his defense all he had to say is, “Someone who fucks with your food doesn’t deserve to live. I saw his hands down the back of his pants, scratching his ass, then he went for my chips. I just snapped.” Hopes admits that he then dragged Bard’s body into his bedroom, and went about his normal routine for the day.

“After I had come out of it, I knew I was going to prison, and I was real hungry. So I had a nice fat steak, a couple of beers, and called a couple gals over to party,” said Hopes. Police were called after one guest found the body when searching for a bathroom.

“In retrospect I should have put him in the closet or something,” said Hopes. “I cleaned up the blood from off the floor and the walls, but when she found that bastard it really killed the mood. After that I knew there was no chance I was getting laid, so I called the police and turned myself in.”

Man Petitions City to Earn Community Service Credits for Future Infractions

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Alen Jackson says he doesn’t plan to break laws intentionally, but he still gets hassled all the time by police and meter-maids because, according to Jackson, “I’m black and proud.”

Jackson has taken his annoyances about laws to the city, where he has proposed what he calls “earn credits.” With the credits, a person wouldn’t get ticketed or hassled for minor infractions, because they’ve earned up a sort of “goodwill” with the city.

“I really don’t mind volunteering for community service or that sort of thing if it meant that I would be able to cash in on it later,” said Jackson. “This would be a successful community outreach program, and I suggest it be implemented, because people who look a certain way are going to get hassled more. It’s just a fact we have to live with, and this would encourage the community to come together.”

Jackson has suggested going as far as pre-serving time. “I could just go in on the weekends, spend a little time, and not have to worry about a wrongful conviction based on my looks later on.”

Jackson has also offered an alternative plan in response to the police brutality and violence he has seen on Facebook. “I have no record of violent offenses, so I don’t want to be shot for no reason,” said Jackson. “There should be a way to advertise this to protect myself. It could be as simple as a microchip. It could send a signal that says, ‘hey, he’s black, but he’s not dangerous,’ and a lot of innocent lives would be saved.”

Chicago lawmakers say they are considering the measures suggested by Jackson.

Financially Irresponsible? Try New Budgeting Service ‘Credibility Plus’

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Tend to blow through money? Credibly Plus has a new service to make you pay – your bills that is. For those of us who can’t seem to control our spending, the new service will in-effect garnish your wages before they hit your bank account. After the company takes a nominal fee, your bills get paid, according to a pre-budgeted limit.

“If people could control themselves, the diet industry wouldn’t be a booming industry. Our program helps people keep control. We’ll save you from yourselves,” said Credibility Plus CEO George Glass. “It’s like those programs that lock you out of the internet so you can get your work done. It’s like Weight Watchers for your finances – your ass will stay fat, but at least your bills will be paid.”

Credibility Plus says it helps members get out of debt, and long-term users successfully have saved up for cars, homes, and plastic surgery.

“I used Credibility Plus because I really wanted to get rid of unsightly body fat after that shitty Weight Watchers failed me,” said Marlene Jones. “I signed up because I can’t stop myself from spending money on stupid things like Weight Watchers. They helped me balance my money and get my life on track, and I was finally able to get that plastic surgery I wanted, and now my muffin top is gone!”