Court Jester Set to Perform at Democratic Party Dinner

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The official spokesman of the White House has announced in the public square that the court jester will be performing at the upcoming party being hosted by the Democratic Party. His services are being employed for the first time this decade, after his last disastrous mishap at the First Lady’s banquet. The public is expected to be given pavilions from which to watch the official jester’s performance on a first come first serve basis.

“This is very exciting,” said one peasant. “I’ve heard so much about this dude’s talent, and I just can’t wait to watch him juggle, jest, and make a fool of himself for our entertainment.”

Lord of the court, Barack Obama, says that the renewal of the loyal servant’s services is appropriate, due to the climate of the times.

“We need some lightheartedness to bring to our people,” he told his aides. “With nuclear weaponry, sewerage, and the plague of Ebola having cast a dark cloud over our beloved country for the past few years, it is time to welcome our most important entertainer back from exile.”

The jester was sent into exile in 2006, after he spilled blood on then first lady Bush’s elegant gown. He was in the middle of a caper in which he cut open a large growth he had been cultivating on his forearm, and had grown to massive proportions. Unfortunately, as he stuck in the knife, the pressure from the growth caused a massive expulsion of blood and pus into the crowd, contaminating viceroy Dick Cheney and First Lady Bush. The administration sent him to live in the dark jungles of Africa, where he was recently located and returned to our shores.

In his own statement to the local press, the jester said that he was “grateful to the king and all his servants who worked to restore my honor. I have learned from my mistakes and will exercise the necessary caution this time when I cut off my manhood for the entertainment of my dear leaders. I promise that this time there will be no stray blood, urine or even semen.”

New Reality Show to Follow Meghan Trainor’s Sudden Descent into Obscurity

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

NBC has revealed plans of a new reality show, which will follow the rapid demise of Meghan Trainor’s career after the success of her smash hit, All About That Bass, dies down. Filming has reportedly already started, tracking an excited and optimistic Trainor at what she believes is the beginning of a long and prosperous life in the limelight.

“The show will be called, Meghan Trainor: the Unsurprising Story,” said producer Gary Rockerforth. “Viewers will get to see what is by now a familiar scenario. An artist – say, Gotcha or Carly Rae Jepson – releases a track that becomes everyone’s ‘song of the year’. It’s stuck in everyone’s heads for months, countless YouTube covers are released which bring even a more brief fame to that YouTuber, and only the ‘superstar’ thinks it’s the breakthrough they’ve always waited for. A year later, the public nostalgically Googles the song in an attempt to remember who sang it.”

Trainor herself appeared over the moon at the announcement.

“This past year has been overwhelming to say the least,” she gushed to TMZ. “First, my song was picked up by all the major stations and I couldn’t have predicted the impact it would have. Now my own reality show! I can’t even begin to imagine what’s next.”

Friends of Trainor have revealed their own reluctance at appearing in the show with her.

“Meghan is great and I love her, but I don’t want to be in her situation,” said one close friend. “If I’m on her show, my fame will come and go even faster than hers.”

News is currently coming in that NBC has cancelled the series, which had already been knocked down to a mini-series, due to the fact that there’s not likely to be more than five episodes and already waning public interest.

Local Moms to Let Go of the Soccer Excuse and Simply Get Together to Gossip and Shout Abusive Comments

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SUBURBIA, United States –

In a hammer blow to the growth of soccer in the United States, the nation’s moms have reportedly decided to let go of their long-time excuse and simply meet up to gossip and scream insults at each other. The move comes amid rumors of waning interest and unrest from the kids forced to play the sport.

“I don’t hate soccer,” said Eamonn Rogers, 12. “But it’s such a drag to hear mom shouting at my coach every week, making him play me in every game while she talks to Stan’s mom about my teachers giving me bad grades.”

Stan was quick to come out in support of his friend’s comments.

“I know my mom loves shouting at people,” he told Empire News. “She’s always doing it at home. Soccer has given her the perfect excuse to do so in public, and it’s quite embarrassing to be around. I’m quite relieved that shit is over.”

Chairperson of the local Union of Soccer Moms (USM), Tracey Povich, spoke on behalf of her friends and colleagues, in telling a press conference that “this has been a long time coming. The format of the games – an hour at most, with us having to watch out for stuff to remark to our kids about – does not facilitate good gossip time. We’ve now decided that an afternoon at the park is a better way to bitch about our ‘friends’ and shout at random people walking by.”

The MLS, however, is not impressed by the news, saying it will damage the sport, possibly irreparably, tarnishing America’s status in the game among the rest of the world in the process. However, some coaches have welcomed the news, saying that “at least we’ll no longer get pissy little brats who think their parents can get them into the squad. Having to deal with entitled mothers, used to bossing coaches around, is one of the worst parts of the profession. Sometimes we just give in to them, that’s why our league is still so bad.”

New Wave of Emo Teens Paint Rooms in Bright Pink in Order to Defy Convention

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNITED STATES –

For time immemorial, gloomy teenagers have represented their isolation with heavy use of the color black. What the current generation calls “emo kids” have been no exception to the rule. They dye their hair dark black, wear black clothing, and even use copious amounts of black eyeliner and nail polish.

It is exactly the long-running convention of this trend that today’s emo generation is starting to turn against. In research conducted by the Childhood Development Agency (CDA), data has emerged that more and more angry teens are painting their rooms bright pink.

“We … defy… modern society… the man,” mumbled one such child. “Our parents expectations of us don’t matter! We’ll paint our rooms whatever color we want!”

“As long as it’s not black,” interjected another teen. “That’s so conformist. No lonely and creative teen has ever painted their room pink before.”

While the changing trend has been a great boon for colored paint, black paint itself admitted to having a mountain ahead of it to climb.

“When I got into this, my aim was to not conform to other paints’ ideas of beauty,” said black paint. “I would not be like those happy-clappy types who don’t know anything about meaning in life or existentialism. Now the kids think that I’ve sold out. Well, I haven’t, and I won’t give up my perch as the harbinger of sorrow that easily.”

Parents of teens joining the pink paint craze have reacted with pleasant surprise, mostly indicating that the house has brightened and the angst created by the darkness has dissipated.

As of press time, most emo teens have abandoned the idea, considering other options such as brown or golden honeysuckle.

“Our parents know nothing about the depth of feeling in paint colors,” they said. “If they think pink paint is better, it’s because they’re totally deluded by societal norms. We were almost swept in, but now we know the dangers, and will continue fighting the norms of society with paint.”

New J.K. Rowling Book to Tell the Story of the Slow Death of Lord Voldemort’s Final Horcrux

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LONDON, England –

To the delight of millions of Harry Potter fans around the world, billionaire author JK Rowling has announced that she is working on yet another sequel to the hugely popular series. The next book, tentatively titled, The Final Years, will not however tell of the adventures of Harry and his friends.

“I decided to end the series quite definitively,” Rowling wrote to members of her fan site, Pottermore. “By telling of what happened 19 years later, I ensured that I could not be tempted into writing a further sequel. However, the fate of Voldemort’s final horcrux was never revealed, and that is what The Final Years will detail.”

Indeed, the termination of the horcrux’s existence was only hinted to in the chapter entitled King’s Cross Station. It appears as a deformed life-form, struggling to survive in limbo between life and death. Harry returns to the world of the living before the readers are told of its final demise.

“Many fans were left unsatisfied,” said UK publisher Bloomsbury. “We saw the demand for this revelatory story and, after much begging and pleading, persuaded Joanne [Rowling] to come out of her Harry Potter retirement for just one more book.”

Details have been released exclusively on Pottermore as to the basic plot outline which can be expected.

After Harry returns to the living world, the struggling horcrux is left alone with Dumbledore, the text reads. Dumbledore gives it one last pitying look, shakes his head in sadness, and is beamed up to heaven in a bright light. The horcrux is then left on its own, while the rest of Voldemort is killed in battle with Potter. It continues to whimper, alone and helpless, without a definite form, as no one arrives to take care of it, or even talk to it. In its years – centuries even – of slow demise, it goes through one final existential crisis, and we are given a close look as its breathing slows, its physical boundaries disappear, and it eventually dissolves into nothingness.

Pre-orders have already exceeded 13 million, in the half day since the news arrived, and are expected to reach the billion mark before the close of the week.

Sesame Street To End After 46 Years, Producers Say ‘Today’s Kids Just Hate Puppets’

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

It’s a sad day for all of those who grew up in any of the last four decades. Long-running childhood favorite, Sesame Street, will soon be no longer. The news of its demise was revealed by insiders at PBS, who explained that today’s kids “just hate puppets”.

“What can we do?” asked PBS CEO Paula Kerger. “Times have changed, and our beloved friends Bert and Ernie are now despised by children across the globe. Kermit, Big Bird, the Cookie Monster – all our beloved characters are no longer desirable. In fact, our research showed that kids would rather watch animated anthropomorphic turds fighting than spend another day looking at puppets flapping their unnaturally flat mouths around.”

Eight-year-old, Jimmy Prober, confirmed their sentiments.

“I fucking hate puppets,” he said on a CNN broadcast. “Their fake fur is gross, and their complexions look sickly. If we wanna see strange colored characters, we’re gonna watch The Simpsons. Come on dude – nothin beats Bart’s catchphrase of ‘Shove it up my ass’, or whatever.”

Kids watching the broadcast from a live studio audience nodded their heads in agreement, some shouting encouragement with phrases such as “Down with the reign of the puppet authority!” and “I’m eating Big Bird for dinner!” being flung around. Many parents were driven to run out of the room crying, as their children denigrated characters with whom they themselves had grown up.

When asked why he thought kids had turned against puppets, current Sesame Street executive producer Super Grover answered, “I cannot say for certain, but perhaps today’s children were collectively molested by puppets. Or maybe they’ve just found something better in iPads, Family Guy, and Playstations.”

“I always knew this day would come,” said Jim Henson, creator of Sesame Street and the Muppets. “Yet I did not think it would happen in my lifetime. In that assumption, I was correct.” Henson died in 1990 of a bacterial infection.

Fast Food Giant McDonald’s To Begin Selling Weed In Colorado, Washington

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

TACOMA, Washington –

Fast food chain McDonald’s has become the first franchise in its industry to announce its intention to sell weed in outlets across the country. The corporation will apparently begin this new phase in Colorado and Washington, where recreational use of the substance is legal.

“We’ll be stocking over 20 different strains, which is I’m sure very exciting for the public. It will also come in different forms, i.e. joints as well as cooked into certain meals,” head of operations for McDonald’s in Washington told the press. “There’ll of course be conditions attached so as the service is not abused by our customers. For example, the classic marijuana brownies will only be available as part of what we are calling a ‘Super-happy Meal’. Also, blunts will only be sold to those who take advantage of our new-look loyalty cards, available now at a store near you.”

Conservatives around America have condemned McDonald’s, stating that they are using a “legalization which is already killing our country to be even more acceptable and accessible. Now, not only will their food be causing obesity and heart attacks, it will be leading consumers to make irresponsible and impulsive decisions.”

The nation’s stoners have come out in vast numbers in support of the venture.

“Dude, that’s so cool,” said some guy when we informed him of the development. “Now we can get our weed and munchies at the same place and time. That’s one less trip we’ll have to make, one less time we’ll have to leave the basement.”

A few, however, have not been so ‘chilled’.

“Oh God,” said Victor Hashwood. “Now there’s gonna be all sorts of dilettante thinking they’re all cool just because they got weed at McDonald’s. Those sorta dudes don’t even care about the cause. They don’t care about the lifestyle. They just want instant gratification.”

When asked his opinion on how marijuana sales could be regulated to curb this problem, Hashwood looked at us with glazed eyes and said, “Huh?” He then passed his joint to our reporter, who chose to end the interview in a deep discussion about the meaning of existence.

Rate of School Shootings Down As Sales Of Metal Albums, Video Games Continue To Increase

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Good news for concerned parents, and great news for fans of certain types of entertainment. The rate of school shootings are reportedly decreasing across the country, while sales of all forms of metal music, as well as violent video games, continue to rise. The data presents the most damning evidence to date that aggressive music and gameplay don’t have a thing to do with violence among youth.

“We noticed the greater intervals between tragic shootings, and decided to look for data which might correlate,” said head researcher Karen Heilbrun. “Of course, we checked video game sales and metal album charting first – what emerged is the report we’ve presented, and I believe it confirms what many teens already knew, and their parents couldn’t be bothered to listen about – violent forms of entertainment don’t harm anyone.”

The music and virtual gaming industries have quickly embraced the findings, releasing press statements and marketing campaigns promoting how ‘extra violent’ or ‘extra loud’ they may be.

“I’m kind of disappointed to find out that none of those school shootings they blamed me for had anything to do with me,” said shock-rocker Marilyn Manson. “I mean, I certainly didn’t set out to cause anyone any harm, I’m just a performer. But once you start hearing something enough, you get to believing it. Turns out that music has nothing to do with kids killing other kids.”

While authorities are gathering to discuss what steps – if any – to take in response to the report, steadfast fans of the affected genres have vowed to remain loyal.

“We will stand for the cause of heavy metal until the end,” shouted Garth Sality, leader of fan group Heavy Metal Loves Us on Facebook. “Even if we have to die for it! Metal and video games go together like peas and carrots, and it has never been more apparent that those things are just entertainment, and nothing more.”

Members of the National Rifle Association have been especially vocal in their anger at these findings.

“Guns don’t kill people, heavy metal kills people!” said modern-day Moses, Christian Bale. “These findings will only make it more difficult for people to buy guns. With heavy metal and video games as scapegoats for gun crimes, there was someone to blame. Now they’ll go back to blaming the guns themselves. My God, they’ll probably even start blaming the person doing the shooting!”

#TheDress: Neuroscientists Say People Who See White, Gold Have Mental Deficiencies

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a follow-up study after last week’s #TheDress controversy, neuroscientists have confirmed that people who saw white and gold, as opposed to the dress’s true colors of black and blue, have important mental deficiencies. The reason that these individuals – about 26% of those surveyed – see the wrong colors, is that their brains are not adaptable enough to note subtle changes in a photograph’s hemispheric hue.

“This goes a long way to explaining the huge deficit between sectors of the world’s functioning population,” said head researcher, Dr. Larry Thoreaux. “Those we term ‘team white-and-gold’ are not intellectually crippled in such a way as to be clinically retarded or unable to carry out everyday tasks. However, they can be routinely expected to perform poorly in arguments, have only minimal career success, and be severely irritating by remaining stubborn in believing delusional realities.”

The discoveries have resulted in debates about #TheDress once again breaking out in full force, with team white-and-gold especially vehement.

“Scientists are holding our society for ransom!” shouted one deluded fool.

“They’re as wrong about this as they are about that dress being blue and white!” boomed another, confusingly.

“Never believe what you read!” was a third’s insistence, at which point we stopped listening to their ramblings.

Members of team blue-and-black – the correct, well-adapted majority – were circumspect and straightforward in response.

“We’ve seen the actual dress, in person, and it is blue and black,” said a non-mentally deficient individual. “Those who do not accept that reality are deluded, and we pity them. Science is pointing us towards technological and biological development and must not be underestimated, even if these poor fools are mentally unable to accept the truth.”

At time of press, our offices have erupted into fearsome fighting, with mentally deficient colleagues screaming irrational sentiments and flinging chairs around at their smarter (and coincidentally better looking) co-workers.

Nation’s Dogs Ask Owners for More ‘Human Food’

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

UNITED STATES –

The nation’s dogs have collectively agreed to ask their owners for more human food, starting tonight. This comes in response to their constant hunger for whatever their masters are eating. They have decided on the strategy of sitting by the table and looking up with their big, sad eyes at their humans while they eat delicious steaks and burgers.

“We’ve decided to let go of dignity, swallow our pride, and beg,” said Pomps Michaels, a labrador. “They’ll surely sympathise. It’s impossible not to when we stare at them in a way that says, ‘I love you more than life itself, and only wish you’d make me happier.’ The combination of pathos and adoration will surely get them.”

“I do get human food occasionally,” admitted Rufus Paul. “My owner throws me scraps of chicken and other meat products when he feels particularly generous. But I could do with more fruit and yogurt, in order to balance out my diet and add some variety to my cultured palate.”

Dog food manufacturers are not perturbed by the development, saying that “this happens every so often and, up until now, we’ve managed to weather the storm pretty easily. While its impossible sometimes to say no to those furry faces, human food is far more expensive than what we provide. Furthermore, our food is developed to give dogs a healthy diet, and owners will always have their best friend’s greater good at heart.”

Owners across the country are preparing to meet the collective demands by saying no over and over again while throwing pieces under the table every time their dogs lay their heads on their knees.