Google Redirects Searches For ‘Who Runs The World?’ To Pictures Of Monkeys – Racism, Or Vision of Future?

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

Does Google know something we don’t? There has been mass panic about a possible Planet Of The Apes future after searches for “who runs the world?” input into the world’s largest search engine has been redirecting users to pictures of monkeys.

The man responsible for unveiling this grim reality, Garrett Johnson, explains how he stumbled upon his findings.

“I was searching for that Beyonce song, ‘Who Runs the World,’ because I hadn’t heard it in a while, and had forgotten the answer. What I found sent me into a bit of a panic – I thought maybe Queen B had been turned into a monkey or some such thing.”

Tech expert Findo Mashwa played down the possibility of monkey domination. “If Google knew about it,” he said, “they’d certainly do something – probably buy the monkeys out for absurd sums of money. I have perfect faith in the company with access to all the important information in my life.”

An unnamed Google exec moved to calm the public, in a statement that was released to the press.

“Speaking on behalf of Google, I apologize profusely for the confusion caused. The answer to who runs the world is certainly not monkeys. However, that is the correct answer to the popular query of who runs the fur trade in Argentina.”

Some were still sceptical, especially once it was revealed that searching for “fur trade+Argentina” brought up pictures of beavers.

“Something doesn’t add up,” said Google user Mark George. “All I know is, if monkeys end up ruling the world, they’d better keep their stinking paws off me. Damn dirty apes.”

Benedict Cumberbatch Eyed To Play Next James Bond; Fans Both Outraged, Thrilled

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

A document leaked by an employee at Eon Productions – the production company responsible for producing the James Bond film series – suggests that Oscar nominee Benedict Cumberbatch will succeed Daniel Craig as the iconic Secret Service agent.

Initial reaction from the public was incredulity, and even outrage. However, soon after the story hit news outlets, the internet began to concur that, actually, it kinda makes sense.

“The bizarrely named individual, recognized by his strong, high cheekbones and sharp chin, is an unlikely figure to make it big as an actor in the first place, but he totally kills in Sherlock,” Said IMDb message board user MovieDude6969. “Also, he played Khan in Star Trek Into Darkness, and who would’ve thought he’d pull that off? Hell, didn’t he play the voice of Smaug in The Hobbit series too?”

Another internet user, Federico Macheda, who says he is a big fan of James Bond, and is a purist when it comes to the literature, had a similar reaction.

“He doesn’t really fit in with the archetypal Bond figure, and that bothered me at first. But then I realized that, actually, he’s the perfect James Bond. He can be suave. He has plenty of action scenes in Sherlock – which he pulls off better even than Robert Downey, Jr did in his vapid attempts at playing the legendary sleuth. He’s even got that huge following of fans, the ‘Cumberbitches,’ so he’s clearly a hit with the ladies.”

Eon Productions have denied the reports, dismissing the idea as a hoax, and saying they “have never considered Benedict Cumberbatch for the role,” although an executive at the company, who wished to remain anonymous, did say “Although… now that you mention it… maybe we should give that a shot.”

Facebook users are expected to start up a petition to ensure that Cumberbatch gets the role, since everyone now agrees that it’s really got to happen. Everyone is encouraged to wait a few moments if they have any doubts about signing it, so that they have a chance to realize how awesome it’ll actually be.

First Reported Death By Personal Drone As Woman Killed In Arizona

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Arizona woman Danielle Persephone has been pronounced dead after being struck by a personal drone, in the first incident of its kind. The drone had been procured to gratuitously film scenes of thirty-something year old mothers drinking tea and eating cocktail sandwiches at a birthday party for one of four year old children.

Paramedics arrived promptly, but were not able to resuscitate the mother of two, and pronounced her dead on the scene.

“We’ve been expecting something of it’s kind for years now,” said ambulance driver Ray Harrington. “Drones on private properties, controlled by inept dads trying to impress their jaded families, have always promised disaster. Remember that hilarious video of that groom being hit in the face at his wedding? That had me laughing for days.”

A close friend of the deceased released a statement lamenting the loss. “Danielle will be missed by her two sons – or are they daughters? – as well as her husband, or wife, or ex, or whoever it was she used to bring to these things. I am sure I speak for every one of her friends in saying that this is a tragedy we will gossip about for many years to come.”

The incident will reignite debate on the safety of utilizing technology created for the purpose of bringing death to the enemies of the free world.

“Drones are indicative of Obama’s presidency,” said Republican senator, Dick Howard. “Now they’re a threat to innocent American citizens. I’m a big advocate of the 2nd amendment, but this is going too far.”

New England Albino Man Goes Missing During Snowstorm, Police Still Searching

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

An albino New England native, John Logan, has gone missing during a snowstorm in New England. There has been no sightings of the pigmentally challenged individual thus far, yet rescue services are hoping that with the storm settling by late Tuesday, they’ll be able to find signs of his whereabouts.

“It’s strange that we haven’t found him,” said rescue worker Jonah Abrahams. “We’ve usually located missing persons by this time, even in a storm of this calibre. It’s like he just…dissolved.”

Longtime friend of Logan, Burson Brookes, suggested that Logan’s disadvantaged background may be related to his disappearance. According to Brookes, Logan has a physiological defect – that of being left-handed.

“John was never allowed to join the scouts,” he said. “They claimed that he wouldn’t be able to fit in, because he’d have to learn the skills they taught from the inverse side, but we all knew it was down to that prejudice against lefties the scouts are infamous for.”

Logan’s mother also blasted the local Boy Scouts, saying that he’d probably be home safe now were it not for their bigotry against anyone “with the slightest difference.”

“I know they’ve discriminated against boys of color,” the frantic mom stated. “But Johnny was certainly not a boy of color.”

Late afternoon attempts to locate Logan were hampered by another mystery. Numerous sightings were reported of what has been described as a “paranormal,” and “ghostly” phenomenon. Members of the public who had previously volunteered to help search for their fellow citizen were scared and discouraged, lowering Logan’s chances of being found.

“It’s some sort of freak show out there,” one visibly shaken witness said. “I mean, this could be the cause of his disappearance.”

When asked to describe what had left her so scared, she stated that an outfit was out there moving of its own accord, seemingly inhabited by an invisible man. “Either that, or someone with freakishly good camouflage for these conditions.”

Google To Buy Facebook In First $1 Trillion Acquisition

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

In a move that could spell the end of the online world as we know it, Google has announced plans to purchase Facebook in the first ever trillion-dollar acquisition. The multi-trillion dollar tech giant has long been linked with the social media empire, after its own version, Google Plus, failed to attract the same sort of dedicated users that Facebook has.

“This is exciting news,” said a sweaty, blustering, bespectacled, morbidly obese geek. “The idea of Google taking over the next biggest chunk of the web has previously been vaunted, but I never thought it would happen in my lifetime. I mean, look at me. I spend most of my time on my ass eating bacon off my unwashed body in my mother’s basement. How many more years am I likely to survive? I’m a heart attack weighting [sic] to happen. Pardon the pun, heh heh.”

Others were not so enthusiastic about the rumors.

“I know everyone’s freaked out about the government having all their info, and that’s kinda my fault,” said NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden from somewhere in Russia. “But Google is who we really need to worry about. We willingly give them our life secrets, hoping they’ll keep it for us so that we never lose it. I have no doubt they’re grooming some naive intern to take over the world. Now they’re gonna have Facebook too? Oy vey!”

Mark Zuckerberg earlier denied reports that he was willing to sell his brainchild, even going so far as to change the tagline on the Facebook log-in page to read, “It’s mine and always will be.”

He later changed his stance, however, after Google came back to them with such an outrageous offer.

“Well, I always said that money was not what Facebook was about, despite really only caring about ad revenue, going public, and making me filthy rich,” said Zuckerberg. “Still – it was about people, not money. That said, who would turn down a trillion dollars? A trillion dollars?! Nobody, that’s who. Nobody on the face of the planet would turn down that kind of money. And only Google has the balls to fork it over to get what they want.”

Rumors that the company will change the name of the social media giant from Facebook to Googlebook could not be confirmed.

John Legend’s Career, Future In Doubt After Being Stabbed in Neck

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

R&B star John Legend was found this morning naked in Central Park, bleeding profusely from the neck in an apparent stabbing. Preliminary investigations have all but confirmed wife Chrissy Teigen’s version of events – that the star was accidentally stabbed in the throat by his wife’s abnormally sharp-edged shoulder. Paramedics on the scene were able to stem the blood flow, saving the singer’s life, but casting doubt on whether he’ll be able to sing again.

The celebrity couple were, according to Tegin, “attempting to live out a lifelong fantasy” of Legend’s.

“With my mama living a sort of nomadic life, and not having a house or bedroom to ourselves that we could keep on rocking until she comes knocking, the next best option was to…kiss…and stuff…underneath the stars in the park. It’s just a shame that I have such a hazardously perfect imperfection.”

Doctors treating Legend were upbeat about his diagnosis.

“Right now, we’re pretty positive,” said trauma surgeon Keith Van Der Bolt. “John’s going to live a full life. He’ll be back to making love in the relatively near future. We’d recommend some padding, though – Chrissy’s love apparently hurts.”

Despite the good news, the doctor in charge of his rehabilitation had a grim outlook on the singer’s career. “While he may not entirely lose his singing voice, his vocal range will never again match that of Beyonce,” said Dr Herb Whelan. “We’re hoping that he’ll at least be able to reach those pedestrian notes of Rihanna. But what’s more likely is that he’ll have to settle for Kesha’s half octave.”

At press time, Legend had just released his first statement since the accident, saying, “Garble garble, ugh, gnt, nut, flbble shmut.”

Chelsea Clinton Announces Plan To Run Against Her Mother In 2016 Presidential Primary

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an unexpected move, Chelsea Clinton has announced her plans to run in the presidential primaries in 2016. This will be the first time a mother and daughter have competed against each other for the official hot seat.

Although she has no political experience, the 34-year-old says that her father’s time as president has put her in good stead.

“Old Bill provided a good role model for me,” she stated in a letter to the press. “He did some really good stuff while in office, but that Monica Lewinsky business – that’s what stuck with most people. I know it’s not popular to say, but it kinda saved his reputation. Were it not for that public stain, the metaphoric one, not the literal one, he’d barely be remembered as the butter between the Bush sandwich. So I know what I have to do if things start going downhill.”

She also said that her mother’s position as secretary of state, as well as her own failed and current presidential bids, have only helped her cause.

“My mom’s the favorite among the Democrats, even though no one likes her. Let’s face it – I’m the only likeable Clinton left.”

Political analysts are divided on what this fresh candidate will mean for 2016. A handful believe she has a chance, because the public are desperate enough to try anything that hasn’t been tried before.

“She’ll probably be shit, but we just cannot know,” said CNN correspondent Merson Mandzukic. “For all we know it will be the best thing to happen to this country. Imagine, for example, that Sarah Palin had been our vice-president, or even president. Most of us shudder at the thought, but could a bumbling idiot with no bad intentions really be worse than some of the dross we’ve had down the line?”

Others have been less kind. Fox reporter, Olga Brown, believes this is the worst thing that could have happened to politics.

“It breaks all the rules of politics,” she was heard complaining to a coworker. “A political career based entirely on the reputation of the family? George Bush, Sr. would be turning in his grave if he was dead.”

Singer Sam Smith Makes Shocking Confession: ‘I’m Really A Middle-Aged Black Man’

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

There has been an outpouring of fan support for singer-songwriter and Grammy nominee Sam Smith, after he confessed earlier this week to actually being a middle-aged black man. The admission came after months of speculation, founded mainly on the assessment of vocal experts who expressed scepticism that Smith was young and white.

“There are certain tonalities, which…well, if you’re not a middle-aged black man, are almost impossible,” said Mike Cohen, long-time writer for Rolling Stones magazine. “In all my years in the business, I have never heard a voice like his come from anywhere but the mouth of an African American, usually over the age of forty.”

Another source, speaking on condition of anonymity, admitted that his suspicions were already confirmed when he saw the crooner performing at a recent concert.

“Maybe a white guy could pull that off,” he said. “But it would be unnatural. You’d know by the contortions of his lips that that was not his natural voice. Sam’s voice, however, flows from his tongue like warm honey, as if it was born there. It left me no doubt that the man on stage was black.”

Many of his long-time followers have stated that they “already knew,” and were leaving it to him to decide when to expose his secret. They further said that they supported his choice – that “what he does with his skin color and age is his choice, and [they’ll] love him no matter what”.

A minority of fans, however, are expressing their anger and disappointment on YouTube videos of the admittedly aging star. They say that they feel betrayed, like everything he claimed to be was a lie. Some went so far as to decry his revelations as unnatural, and against the word of God.

“It’s pretty obvious that he’s not only a fraud, but a sick pervert,” said one angry youth. “What kind of a person leads people on like that, causing them to love him, and then breaking their hearts with this deviant lifestyle?”

Sam Smith used his Twitter account to express his gratitude to those who have supported him, and to affirm that, at the very least, he is actually gay – so there’s that to hang onto.

Joan Rivers’ Estate to Sue Negligent Doctors for ‘Outrageous Fashion Choices’ During Comedian’s Final Hours

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The doctors who were treating comedian Joan Rivers before her sudden death in September of last year, have faced another major blow. Melissa, the daughter of the 81-year-old Hollywood star, has filed another lawsuit – this time over claims of negligence in their fashion choices during the procedure that led to her mother’s death.

“It’s outrageous,” Melissa Rivers is quoted as saying. “They wore these hideous matching blue outfits that weren’t even tailored to their specific builds. The shirts were baggy – which is fine if you’re hiding a big belly, but the skinny ones should really have been wearing something tighter. Something that would flatter them.”

It is understood that one of the doctors took a selfie with the unconscious performer, adding fuel to the already raging fire. The leaked image showed the host of Fashion Police in an even uglier get-up – apparently chosen by the very same hospital staff.

“That bandage is really sloppily tied around her head,” said former co-host, Giuliana Rancic. “It’s asymmetrical, and not in a good way. And the color! Any idiot knows that a white bandage cannot go with her already washed-out complexion.”

Advocate Kevin Doleman, who is representing the interests of the deceased and her daugher, stated that he thinks they have a strong case.

“We’re gonna win this,” he confidently said to reporters at a press conference on Wednesday. “There’s enough evidence that negligence led to these choices, and not medical complications as staff at the hospital have claimed. Did you see the masks they were wearing? It was like some sort of freakshow.”

Doctor Lawrence Cohen, the taker of the now infamous selfie, could not be reached for comment, but a source close to him said that Cohen was “devastated” by the accusations.

“It’s not like him,” the anonymous source said. “He’s a big fan of Joan’s, and always worked hard to meet her high standards. A scandal like this – now no one’s going to take his fashion choices seriously.”

Man Who had Birthday During Facebook Outage Wins Thousands of ‘Likes’ in Lawsuit

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Josh Marcus

MENLO PARK, California –

Tuesday’s Facebook outage was tough for its hundreds of millions of users around the globe, but for Detroit resident Peter Ferguson, it took more of a toll – at least according to the judge that awarded him thousands of ‘Likes’ in a groundbreaking lawsuit.

Ferguson, whose birthday was on the day of the outage, sued the social media giant, claiming that they’d ruined the only day on which his life seemed to matter to the outside world.

“I know it’s not all that it’s made out to be,” he told reporters. “I know that most people don’t even visit my profile to send their messages, and that some of them don’t even remember who I am. But that’s all I got. At least they’re getting that little red notification that puts me momentarily at the center of their attention. That’s all a guy like me could ask for.”

The court agreed, ordering Facebook to grant at least ten thousand ‘Likes’ to Ferguson’s next post – whether it’s a warped political opinion, or a video homage to his pet cat, Brock. They further ordered Facebook CEO and owner, Mark Zuckerberg, to personally comment on every status or shared media that the broken man posts over the next month, making up for the ruination of what was meant to be a very special birthday.

Legal experts around the world hailed the outcome as a victory for the common man against growing tech corporations.

“More and more, we’re seeing these companies taking advantage of the average citizen’s personal life,” said advocate Jerry Greenfield, talking on Fox News and Friends. “They think there’ll be no consequences to a move like this, taking away our most poignant means of connection. But now they know what happens when I don’t get to show off dinner to those undomesticated Philistines I call my friends.”

In response to the legal debacle, Facebook posted an update to its terms of use, stating that unplanned downtime will now be considered a feature, rather than an inconvenience – adding the thrill of uncertainty to its usually flawless usage. At the time of writing, Facebook executives reported that so far 73% of users have agreed to the new conditions without reading them.