Texas A&M Towel Boy Leaves Sidelines To Gain Starting Spot As Quarterback

Posted on August 31, 2014 by JP

COLLEGE STATION, Texas –

A new season of college football is underway and anticipations for this year are high, with new rules and a new playoff bracket system being put into effect this season. One team that will have a lot of eyes on it will be Texas A&M, after all-star quarterback Johnny Manziel has started his NFL career for the Cleveland Browns.

Texas A&M coaches have been hesitant to name a starting QB, but with recent discovery of a ‘hidden talent’ during practice, it appears that they are ready to name the man who take the starting snap for the Aggies this Thursday against the South Carolina Gamecocks. Terrance Brown, a once towel boy for the team, has been picked up and put on the roster as of yesterday, and has been announced to start the first game of the season.

Coaches began to notice the talent behind the towel boy when asked to get a football that went out-of-bounds. Brown, instead of walking the ball over, threw a hail mary spiral right to the head coach.

“It was unbelievable,” said Head Coach Kevin Sumlin. “I thought maybe the kid just had a long ball, but we had some down time and I asked if he would throw to our receivers. He agreed and the kid looked like a natural. I asked if he would do some drills in uniform, and it was like he had been playing football in college for 5 seasons.”

Brown admitted to the coach that he knew the play book pretty well, and had sometimes snuck into team meetings and stood in the back. He had played football in high school, but only up until his junior year after bruising his spine bone. By the time he fully recovered it was too late to get scouted and he had never made the walk-on tryout at A&M because he didn’t know they had been scheduled. He acquired the towel boy spot after begging the school to let him help out the team in any way.

“He’ll start the game, but I’m not going to lie, I’m afraid the game pressure may get to him, so we are prepared to take him out if we have to. That being said, I hope he shows up like he did in the practices. If he can, this will be a story for the ages,” said Sumlin.

Woman Murdered After Sending Repeated FarmVille Invitations Via Facebook

Posted on August 31, 2014 by JP

CRANTSTON, Rhode Island –

Maria Boyland, Age 48, was found dead in her home early this past Monday morning. A local to Cranston, Rhode Island, Boyland lived there her entire life, but neighbors claim she didn’t have many friends.

Boyland was found when a mailman happened to look through the window of her home as he delivered mail, and noticed she was lying on the floor covered with blood. Police arrived on the scene and discovered her body had been stabbed over 18 times, with most of the knife wounds to the stomach and back.

As Boyland was not know to leave her apartment often, and had few contacts outside her family, the trail to find the killer was almost immediately cold, until police were able to get onto Boyland’s Facebook page and review her notifications and messages. As is common with most people her age, police noticed that she mainly had notifications for playing Facebook games, namely Candy Crush, Farmville, and Bejeweled.

When officers reviewed her messages, the case almost began to solve itself. A message was sent to Boyland three days before her murder from a man who lived approximately 14 hours away from in Virginia. The messages were extremely violent and disturbing in nature, including the one that said “Send me one more game invite to FarmVille and I’ll stab you 18 times, b—-!”

Apparently, Boyland didn’t take the warning seriously, and police assume that either Boyland purposely sent, or Farmville automatically sent, the man another game request. His final message simply said “Now you’ve done it.”

After trying to reach the suspect via internet and coming up short, police eventually called a local Sheriff’s Office in his area and had the man arrested. When asked why he drove 14 hours to kill Boyland he responded “I warned her, and having her blow up my Facebook with game invites was annoying.” When told he could have simply blocked the game invites, the anonymous man simply said “Oh. Yeah, I suppose that would have worked, too.”

The arresting officer, patrolman Joe Goldsmith, said that this is the kind of case he never thought he would see in his career.

“I can understand how annoying it is when people send game requests, being a Facebook user myself. But, I urge anyone that gets annoyed by stupid game invites and requests that you simply un-friend the person sending them, because it is a lot easier, faster, and much less illegal than murder.”

Magician In Custody After Making Audience Member Disappear; Man Never Reappears

Posted on August 25, 2014 by JP

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

A Las Vegas stage magician, whose stage name is “The Great Peter,” is in police custody this afternoon after making a crowd member in attendance for his show disappear, but failed to bring him back.

Reality started to hit that something was wrong when the wife of the missing audience member began to become frantic an hour after the show ended. Sydney Ray, 34, say that she wouldn’t have let her husband volunteer if she had known this would happen.

“At first I was having a blast at the show, and even when The Great Peter made my husband disappear I was applauding and cheering louder than anyone in the crowd. When an hour passed into the show and there was no sign of my husband, I began to freak out a bit,” said Ray

The event took place at The Magic Palace Theater in Las Vegas, and even local police are finding this case bizarre.

“You see so many things being a police officer in Vegas, but even this is a shock to the department,” said Officer Julian Brown. “We’ve searched the theater, talked to audience members. Of course we questioned the magician first, but he’s not talking. ‘Magician’s Code’ or some such nonsense.”

Police say audience members have been very cooperative, but most of them think that it’s all still part of the act, even though it’s been a full 12 hours since the show ended.

“I saw his wife. I’d still be gone for a while if I were him, too,” said Joe Goldsmith, a real estate investor on vacation in Vegas. “He’s probably taking in the sights at the Bunny Ranch or something.”

The Great Peter is behind bars, charged with intentionally blocking a police investigation and resisting arrest, after police tried multiple times to handcuff Peter and he’d continually slip out of them.

“He could make this whole ordeal a lot easier on everyone, but he won’t reveal his tricks. Officers believe that he does know more about what took place, and that somehow his disappearing trick has something to do with the gentlemen’s whereabouts.”

“A magician never reveals his secrets,” said The Great Peter in an interview with police. “It’s all part of the show.”

Troop Leader in Custody After Using Girls Scouts as Drug Mules

Posted on August 19, 2014 by JP

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

A Philadelphia women is under arrest after admitting to using a group of girls to help her sell and traffic drugs. The woman, Marlene Jacobs, 44, was a camp leader for a local chapter of the Girl Scouts and had allegedly been filling cookie boxes with assortments of drugs, and using the girls to deliver them to her customers.

Police say that Jacobs had been placing cocaine and prescription pills into certain boxes of Girl Scout Cookies, then making sure that the girls delivered them to a designated address. Jacobs would mark the boxes with a sticker, and had been running her scheme for the last 4 years.

“We didn’t know anything about what was in the cookie boxes,” said Michelle Hall, 11. “We always thought it was funny that we’d drop off cookies and get big bags of money. Other troops were only getting a few dollars a box. I was getting over $100 sometimes. I just thought Ms. Jacobs was a good pre-seller.”

“None of us parents had any idea this was going on, that our children were being used as drug mules,” said Karen Driver, a mother of one of the girls Jacobs’ had used to sell drugs. “It’s disgusting that she would do such a thing. I mean heck, the cookies themselves are already like a drug. Have you tried Samoas? Oh my God.”

The entire scheme failed after one of the girls accidentally sold a box with prescription pills inside to a police officer. According to reports, the box either never received a sticker, or the sticker fell off, and it was delivered by mistake.

“We were never supposed to deliver boxes with stickers to anyone who didn’t pre-order them through Ms. Jacobs,” said Hall. “She must have forgotten and gave me the wrong box, and that’s the one I gave to the policeman.”

“For a moment I thought maybe I won some type of prize or something, but when I realized what was in the cookie box I was blown away,” said police officer Martin Lovell. “I immediately tracked down the girl who had sold them to me, and questioned where she had gotten the cookies. After a bit of conversation, it was clear the boxes were rationed to all the girls by their troop leader.”

Jacobs is now awaiting her court date. If convicted, she could face up to 15 years in prison.

“Thankfully, the fact that box contained cocaine didn’t taint the cookies at all,” said Lovell. “My Thin Mints were still delicious, as always!”

UFC Fighter Punches Himself In The Face, Gets Knocked Out During Bout

Posted on August 16, 2014 by JP

BANGOR, Maine –

A UFC fighter has set a new record for being the only person ever to knock himself out during a fight. The event took place Friday, August 15, 2014 during a preliminary fight in Bangor, Maine. This was fighter Ryan Crystler’s debut in the UFC, and although coming in as a favorite from the independent circuit, left a rather embarrassing first impression for a lot of people who witnessed the event live.

Crystler appeared that he had the fight won during the first round, throwing punch after punch to his opponent, and landing some real heavy blows. Things unfortunately took a turn for Crystler during round two, when a punch he threw bounced of his competitor’s face, and he ended up slamming himself in the chin, ending the bout.

When Crystler woke up from being knocked out, he still attempted to fight. The referee had to make it clear that the fight was over because of the knockout. Crystler’s opponent, Frankie Saenz, looked just as shocked as he did when the fight was called.

“I was taking some punches to the face, and then the fight was just over. I didn’t realize he hit himself, so at first I thought they were calling the fight because I was getting slammed on,” said Saenz. “I couldn’t believe that I won until I saw him laying there, his lip all busted open. He was out for the count. I honestly had to stifle a laugh.”

Due to the craziness of this fight, Dana White and a committee with the UFC are under discussion to how to call the bout. While technically being a knockout, they don’t want to reward Saenz with the KO because he wasn’t the one who performed the punch. They are also unsure whether to mark it as a knockout for Crystler, or whether to count it as a loss.

Man Dies After Overdosing on Flintstone Vitamins

Posted on August 14, 2014 by JP

LITTLE ROCK, Arkansas –

Aaron Silver, 28, a Little Rock, Arkansas local died last month after collapsing while out on a run with his dog. Silver’s family were just beginning to get on with their lives when they were astounded by the news released late Thursday afternoon by the local coroner, when his autopsy report showed that Silver had overdosed on Flintstone Chewable Vitamins.

According to the report, Silver, who was in excellent health, had unfortunately ingested more than 4 times the recommended dosage of the vitamins, and that the high amount taken had actually caused cardiac arrest.

“It sounds crazy, but the reason that Mr. Silver died was because he was trying to be too healthy,” said Richard Moore, the coroner who performed the autopsy. “It just goes to show you that you really need to follow the instructions for any medicine, no matter how non-dangerous you deem it to be.”

“Aaron was the kinda guy who would do something like that,” said his mother, Maureen Silver. “If he had a headache, he’d take twice as many Advil to make sure it went away twice as fast. It was just his nature. No doubt he thought he’d get four times as healthy if he took four times as many vitamins.”

“It is a strange occurrence, but when someone ingests too many vitamins in their body, on top of eating healthy and exercising, your body begins to overload on certain nutrients and they have nowhere to go. When this happens, sometimes it triggers strange things within the body. In the case of Mr. Silver, his heart couldn’t take the strain of so many Fred, Wilma, and Barney chewables,” said Moore.

Bayer Pharmaceuticals, the company that produces Flintstone Vitamins, have yet to make a comment on the death, but a representative for the company said they advise all consumers to closely follow the instructions on the bottle.

MacFarlane, FOX Announce ‘Family Guy’ Series Ending After Next Season

Posted on August 11, 2014 by JP

LOS ANGELES, California –

One of the most popular animated shows in the history of television will be coming to end this fall. The show Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane, brought FOX’s rating to a new level, bringing in millions of viewers season after season for the last 15 years.

On top of being one of the most popular shows on television for several years, the show had a lot of ‘jewelry’ to show for their popularity; The series was nominated 13 times for an Emmy Award, winning 4. The acclaim kept most people assuming the show would air for several more years.

The decision does not come at the hands of FOX executives, but from creator MacFarlane, who says that the show has become ‘stagnated,’ and that it’s time he focus on his other cartoons American Dad and The Cleveland Show, as well his now-budding movie career.

“I’ve taken Family Guy exactly where it needed to go,” says MacFarlane. “The characters have traveled the world, had their follies. We’ve done musical numbers and covered all the topics I wanted to. With the crossover episode with The Simpsons airing in September, it will be the crown-jewel of the series, and I don’t want to drag it out any further.”

Roger Ailes the CEO of FOX News Channel commented on the matter.

“Seth created a great show, but we understand that he’s gone on to do bigger things. Not necessarily better things, but bigger things,” said Ailes. “The film Ted was a great success for him, and it’s afforded him the opportunity to make a sequel. His film A Million Ways To Die in the West was also a big money maker. It was fairly unwatchable in my opinion, but good for him for making the jump to live-action acting. [Seth] is making Hollywood money now. TV money won’t keep cutting it.”

Ailes said that he wishes that the network and MacFarlane could have come to an agreement on a contract renewal, but that several other shows are currently in the development process, with at least one hoped to be able to fill the vacant spot left by Family Guy on FOX’s ‘Animation Domination’ Sunday night block of programming.

“The show came out with a bang and pushed the envelope, and we were stupid and canceled it once already. The fans convinced us to bring it back, and Seth kept it going for years. If you ask me, though, the show has gotten a littler more dry over the years. I use to sit and watch and laugh like crazy but now when I watch it I feel a bit dumber, and I think the ratings have suffered a little, too.”

Several members of the cast were made aware of the show’s end several months ago, with all choosing to stay until the end of the series. Most, including Seth Green, voice of Chris Griffin, and Mila Kunis, voice of Meg Griffin, have already had long careers in Hollywood, and say they are not worried about where to go when the show ends.

“I’ve still got my show Robot Chicken that I created for Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim lineup,” said Green. “There are also talks with Mike [Meyers] about another Austin Powers film, which I really think will happen, and I’m excited for that. Voicing Chris on Family Guy all these years has been a blast, but as they say, good things end.”

FOX has the show’s final season, its 13th, slated to begin in September.

New Massachusetts Law Makes Talking On Cell Phones In Public Illegal

Posted on August 10, 2014 by JP

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A law has been passed in Massachusetts this past Friday which seeks to end the ‘rudeness and distractions’ created by people who excessively use their phones in public. The new law, which was signed by state governor Deval Patrick, will impose a fine of to $200 dollars for cell phone use in public locations such as restaurants, movie theaters, and schools.

The law was voted into place by the Massachusetts state representatives after numerous complaints by the public about noise pollution in public areas, acts of violence, and the general ‘distracted nature’ that comes from a person who is using their phone and not paying attention to their surroundings.

Part of the law was introduced in 2009, when the state made it illegal to text while driving. In 2011, the state created an addendum that stated it was also illegal to talk on the phone while driving, unless you were using a hands-free device.

“We knew that using the phone while driving was creating distractions and accidents,” said Governor Patrick. “Sadly, accidents aren’t just happening while driving. We’ve had reports of everything from people falling into open manholes to getting hit by cars to getting into fights after one person runs into another, all because these folks were too distracted by their call to notice their surroundings. These are the reasons we’ve created this new law.”

People who work in the restaurant industry and other fields of luxury reportedly couldn’t be happier with the new law.

“I can’t even begin to tell you how much it sucks to have to take an order from somebody who can’t even look you in the face because they are too busy chatting on their phones,” said Christine Mosier, a waitress at a Boston-area Ruby Tuesday restaurant. “First they come in talking, and they are always too busy on their phones to even place an order, then they yell because service takes too long. On top of that, I get complaints from one table saying that a nearby patron is speaking too loudly, and then ironically, that other patron will say the same about them. Just leave your phones in your car or your pocket and enjoy your meal for crying out loud.”

The state government has worked closely will all cell phone carriers to help impose the fines.

“Unlike a normal law where we’d arrest you or give you a ticket, these fines can be imposed by an officer and charged directly to your carrier. This way, if you refuse to pay your fines, your phone will be shut off due to the non-payment,” said Patrick. “In this way, we can force repeat offenders to think twice before breaking the law – or else they won’t have any way to break it in the first place.”

Several states are watching Massachusetts closely to see how the new law plays out. New Jersey, New York, and Connecticut are also considering enacting similar laws that would keep their streets ‘clean of the noise’ of flagrant cell phone users.

The new law was signed into order on Friday. It goes into effect on October 1st, 2014.

New Texas Law Makes Homosexuality Illegal

Posted on August 4, 2014 by JP

HOUSTON, Texas –

Shocking news coming out of Texas today after a law has been passed making it illegal to be a homosexual throughout the state. The law was passed on Friday and took effect Monday morning.

The law first began to form after a local Houston police officer saw his 7-year-old son kiss a fellow male friend on the mouth while playing in their backyard. When asked why he kissed the other boy he replied, that he had “seen it on TV.”

“I certainly punished him after I saw that,” said the officer, who wishes to remain anonymous. “No more TV, and you can bet your ass he got the belt. I’ll smack the gay right outta that boy.”

Outraged by the event in his backyard, the officer took to the court rooms knocking down door-after-door until eventually getting into the right ears and helping to get the law passed.

“Homosexuality is an outrage,” said the officer. “Television gets into our the heads of our children, and it isn’t fair. I had to make sure that I stopped it in its tracks. I don’t blame TV, I blame this country and its flagrant homosexuality. Everywhere you look there are gays touching and kissing and holding hands. Rather than educating my son or letting him be who he wants to be, I had to make the hard decision and make sure he turns out straight. Either he does, or he’ll end up behind bars.”

Many establishments, such as The Rusty Hammer and The Texas Wiener, two of Dallas’ biggest gay bars, are also being forced to have a change of theme, or the state will be looking at shutting them down.

Representatives from the state government have yet to comment publicly on the new law, but they do claim that it was something many Texans had been hoping would happen for ages.

“It’s about time these homos were stopped from being able to touch each other,” said Milton Charles, a resident of Austin. “We don’t need the gays out there, threatening our way of life, and teaching our children it’s okay to be gay. Sodomy is disgusting. I can’t imagine how anyone would want that.”

After being informed that the definition of sodomy actually included any form of “unnatural,” sex, and that technically that would also include any oral sex he received from his wife, he commented further on what he says is “truly disturbing” sexual acts.

“Well clearly I meant the gay-sodomoy when I said that,” said Charles. “What I do in the privacy of my house ain’t nobody’s business. But the gays, they shouldn’t be doing that s—.”

Several men have been arrested since the law was enacted this morning, but so far no women have been brought in on charges.

McDonald’s Reveals Ingredients In Big Mac ‘Secret Sauce’; You Won’t Believe What’s In It

Posted on August 4, 2014 by JP

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

McDonald’s Corporation has always been a company of speculations and urban legends – everything from styrofoam being used in their shakes to kangaroo meat in their burgers. No matter what the rumor was, though, McDonald’s usually didn’t make a statement about it at all, choosing to remain quiet and ignore detractors. This morning, though, the company chose to make an announcement that would put an end to some speculation over a popular item on their menu.

Since the release of the iconic Big Mac, one of McDonald’s most popular menu items, people have been asking the same question for years: What is in that special sauce? Even the once-popular jingle for the burger, “Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun,” mentions it – but kept the tangy, sweet sauce ingredients a mystery. Even movies like Nickelodeon’s Good Burger parodied the “secret sauce” concept. It’s been talked about for years, but never publicly commented on by anyone from the restaurant.

Finally, after years of wondering, curiosity, and frustration, CEO Donald Thompson has put the debates to rest.

“It’s just Thousand Island dressing, salt, sugar, and generic Miracle Whip,” said Thompson. “Were you expecting it to be something super-special-secret? Sorry to disappoint. It’s good though, right? People have been saying for years that it was just dressing, but we thought it was something ‘special,’ and we wanted to keep it that way.”

An anonymous source from inside McDonald’s has said that Thompson finally announced the ingredients to the sauce because the company is planning on brining out a new, major food item that they say could very well replace the Big Mac as its flagship menu item.

“The new item, it’s not really a burger. Well, I don’t want to say too much,” said the source. “But think about this – would they really tell everyone what the ‘secret sauce’ was made of if there wasn’t something bigger and better coming down the pipeline? You’ll just have to wait and see.”