Online Debate Over Kentucky College Basketball Programs Causes Man To Murder Friend

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Jason Hargrove, 28, of Louisville, Kentucky has been charged in the shooting death of his best friend, 29-year-old Michael Jenkins, also of Louisville, after the two got into an argument over which school has the superior men’s college basketball program, the University of Kentucky or the University of Louisville.

Apparently the shooting was not over the actual teams, though, but over annoyance at Jenkins’ use of bad grammar during their Facebook chat.

According to Michelle Baker, girlfriend of the accused Hargrove, the argument started when Hargrove, a Louisville Cardinals sports fan, and Jenkins, a loyal University of Kentucky fan, began chatting on Facebook about which of the two teams would win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament this season.

Baker told Louisville Metro Police Department detectives that the conversation had been going on for over an hour, when Hargrove abruptly smashed a full bottle of beer over his computer, and began yelling wildly, which startled her while in another room. Baker says when she entered the room to ask what was wrong, Hargrove was ‘going wild.’

“Jason said to me, [Jenkins] is a stupid, worthless, piece of shit UK fan! I’m sick of reading his nonsensical dribble! I don’t even know how we have been friends for so long! When a guy doesn’t even know the difference between their, there, and they’re, then that illiterate son of a bitch should be killed!” Baker said in her statement to police.

According to a LMPD spokesperson, the two began to make threats against one another, at which point Hargrove loaded his gun and walked next door, where Jenkins lived, and shot him at a point-blank range four times. He then took a red Sharpie marker and wrote, ‘Go Cards!’ on the dying mans forehead. No one else was in Jenkins’ trailer at the time.

Both University of Kentucky head coach, John Calipari, and University of Louisville coach, Rick Pitino, were asked about the incident, and both coaches commented on how the fans take the rivalry way too seriously.

“Coaching college basketball is my career, it is all I know and I can still sleep at night knowing it is just a game,” Pitino said. “College basketball fans in the state of Kentucky get ridiculous. I wish I could say this shocks me but it absolutely does not. Things like this are another reason I think social media is senseless – the world is full of idiots, they say things they don’t mean or have any knowledge about, and besides that, you can’t believe anything you read on the internet.”

“The fans around here are crazy. I’m sure the guy will claim temporary insanity, and it will probably hold up in court because people in this state are all insane during basketball season,” Calipari said. “That’s the reason why our program puts so much effort into funding the basketball program, and we go after the best players money can buy. Our lives may very well depend on it.”

‘Thanks, Obama!’: Gas Prices Predicted To Drop Below $1.00 Per Gallon By Spring

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

HOUSTON, Texas –

Gas prices have dropped significantly throughout the United States over the last couple of months, thanks to more crude oil production in the U.S., lowering the price of to $60 a barrel, a trend National Energy Technologies CEO Robert McDaniel says will continue.

“The United States has officially become the world leader in oil production. I have every reason to believe, as should all American citizens, that gas and oil prices will continue to drop drastically. It is my educated and professional opinion that we could see gas prices drop to, or even below, $1.00 a gallon by late spring of 2015,” McDaniel told WEMP reporter Becky Hollensdale.

President Barrack Obama has also chimed in on the welcoming news, stating that his work is finally seeing results that all Americans are benefiting from.

“My administration has done a great deal of superb work that has previously gone unrecognized over the years. It is about time we are able to show the American people the love they so very well deserve.” President Obama said in his morning briefing. “Without me, this would have never happened. Does anybody even remember the last time gas prices dropped below $2.00 a gallon? How about less than $1.00 a gallon? I know my recollection is a bit fuzzy, because it was the 70s, and I was high as a kite somewhere, not caring about gas prices.”

While the Obama administration seems to be taking full credit for the drop of gas and oil prices, others claim that simply is not the case. Chairman of the United States Energy Resource Committee, Bill Farrell, says that it is the result of more digging and uprooting of forestry in the U.S., and that it has nothing to do with President Obama.

“Of course the President is going to take all the credit, as that is the one thing that all Presidents and government officials care about the most,” said Farrell. “The real reason prices have dropped, and American production has increased, is that the tree-hugging hippies and commies are fighting less and less to protect nature. Their ambivalence has allowed us to drill in more locations, uproot more trees, and get to the damn oil. I mean oil and gas makes the world go ’round. Who really gives a rat’s fart about the trees?”

At least ten states across the U.S. are already reporting gas prices under $2.00 a gallon, and most others can expect to see these prices soon as well.

“I’d just like to say that for quite a long while, I have seen many people across the internet say ‘Thanks, Obama!’ to things that I don’t feel I had any part in,” said the President. “But for lowering gas prices, I’d just like to wholeheartedly say to everyone – ‘You’re Welcome!'”

Televangelist T.D. Jakes Wants ‘Peppa Pig’ Cartoon Taken Off Air, Claims Show Contains Racist Subliminal Messages

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

Superstar television evangelist T.D. Jakes is in the news this morning, after ranting about a popular children’s cartoon during a radio interview on WGOD AM, a non-profit, non-denominational based radio program which airs throughout the state of Texas.

Jakes, who is Bishop of The Potter’s House, the famous mega-church located in Dallas, claims that the animated children’s program Peppa Pig contains several unethical subconscious messages, most notably of sexual and racist content.

“We live together in a loving world, and sometimes that gets taken advantage of in an evil manner,” Jakes said. “Recently it was brought to my attention by a nice young lady in our congregation that while watching the cartoon program Peppa Pig, she noticed several suspicious, and very adult, references. When I sat down with her to watch an episode, I was overwhelmingly appalled to learn that her suspicions were, in fact, reality.”

The 57-year-old Man of God went on to explain that the characters featured on Peppa Pig highly resembled penises, and that characters were often gallivanting and making racist comments.

“They snort and laugh at the other animals, making fun of anyone who is not a pig. Plus, all the pig faces are drawn to look like penises and testicles. In the episode I watched, they told the rabbit and the turtle to ‘sit in the back of the bus’ as they snorted and giggled,” Jakes said. “It’s really inappropriate for young children. They even make reference to ‘muddy puddles,’ which is definitely a slang for African-Americans if I’ve ever heard one. Despicable!”

This is not the first time Peppa Pig has been called out for being racist. Members of the Muslim communities in the United Kingdom, where the show is recorded and produced, signed a petition in recent months claiming the show was clearly anti-Muslim and promoted the gross consumption of pork.

Empire News attempted to contact Jakes to no avail, but Nickelodeon officials did return an email saying there was absolutely no truth behind the claims of racism or sexual innuendo, and that the popular children’s program would continue to be aired in heavy rotation.

Peppa Pig, as most parents of toddlers are no doubt aware, currently airs at least 167 times daily, on networks such as Nickelodeon and Nick Jr. in the United States, and several others internationally.

13-Year-Old Boy Arrested In Connection With Sony Hacking Crime

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WATERVILLE, Maine –

What is believed to be the most vicious cyber attack in history, and has been blamed on everyone from North Korea to Russian hackers, is now being directly linked to a 13-year-old boy from small town Waterville, Maine.

Many believed that North Korea and supreme leader Kim Jong-un were responsible for the massive hack against Sony Entertainment because of the Seth Rogen comedy film The Interview, a movie about the successful assassination of Jong-un. Even President Obama issued an official statement, denouncing Sony’s decision to give into threats and pull the film from its Christmas Day opening.

The teenager, whose identity is not yet being released due to his age, but uses the online handle ‘Cereal Killer,’ confessed to the crime in an email sent to federal investigators.

“Basically, he sent in emails confessing to the crime, and blamed it all on the fact that all his friends had gotten Playstation 4 consoles, and he was stuck with the old XBox 360. He felt abandoned, and like he had no friends left in the world,” FBI spokesperson Gerald Carmichael told the Associated Press. “So he wanted to ‘make Sony pay.’ Curiously, Sony Entertainment, as in the films, and Sony’s video game division, are two completely separate entities.”

“It’s just what I could get into, you know?” said the wayward teen in his emails. “I tried to break into the game division computers first. I thought I could maybe steal some unfinished games and release them online. But that one was too hard. Instead, I got into the movie studio computers, and got to watch Annie before it came out. The movie really, really sucked, by the way.”

“The boy is clearly a genius when it comes to electronics and the computer language in this technology age,” said Charmichael. “It reminds me of the movie War Games a little bit, that one from the 80s with Matthew Broderick. Here is this boy savant, who is just amazing at computers. It is really unbelievable that a young child could possess so much dangerous knowledge. Hell, I couldn’t do what he did, and I’ve been studying computers for ages.”

While the crime is being thoroughly investigated, the teen will be kept in the custody of the FBI. Carmichael declined to discuss what charges or any possible punishments the boy is facing.

Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo Reveals Shocking Strange Addictions, Pre-Game Superstitions

Posted on December 19, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

Star NFL quarterback Tony Romo recently revealed some deep, dark secrets during a radio interview on the Jay Mohr Show, when on the topic of superstitions and pre-game rituals was brought up by the host.

When asked about his strange pre-game preparations and superstitions, Romo, 34, told Mohr that he goes through a regimen every game day and has kept the routine secret all his life, until now.

“This is really embarrassing. I’ve never told anyone this before, but – Well, the first thing I do when I wake up on a game day [at home] is throw a dozen raw eggs against the wall outside on my patio,” said Romo. “I’m serious, it feels great to do. Then I sit with a glass of orange juice, and watch as my housekeepers clean up the egg mess. I do feel bad about that part, but they make a great salary, and they’re used to it by now.”

Professional athletes have been doing strange things since the dawn of sports when it comes to pre-game superstitions. Michael Jordan recently told Sports Illustrated writer Carmine Sheckles that he urinated on a brand new pair of his shoes, which he would later go on to wear in that night’s game. In another oddball pre-game superstition ritual, former New Orleans Saints and Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams told Sports News Daily that he use to lick the carpet at home, or whatever hotel he was staying at, before walking out the door on the way to a game.

“I know it sounds weird, but maybe me coming out about my weird behaviors will help others who to know they are not alone in their weird behaviors,” continued Romo, taking a deep breath before speaking again. “Ok. So, the other thing is – well, every day since I was 5 or 6 years old, I have chewed on a Barbie doll while taking a shower. Something about the texture, or the type of plastic they use, I’m very addicted to. I keep them until they’re falling apart, then I throw the doll away and get a new one. God, it feels good to finally say that out loud.”

“It took a lot of guts to say what he said when he was on my show,” said Mohr, speaking of the interview the following day. “I estimate that the sales of Barbie dolls and eggs are going to go up dramatically among teens and young adults who want to be like their idol.”

Cable channel TLC has reportedly reached out to Romo in a request to appear on their documentary-series My Strange Addiction.

Bin Laden Shooter Rob O’Neill Mistakenly Attacked By Street Thugs Seeking To Collect Debt From Neighbor

Posted on December 15, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

BUTTE, Montana –

Robert O’Neill, the former United States Navy SEAL who shot and killed Osama Bin Laden, had his home mistakenly invaded by members of a street gang this morning shortly after 1AM. O’Neill was uninjured, the five intruders all suffered injuries and remain hospitalized, but are expected to make a full recovery. Their names were not released in anticipation of the oncoming media storm.

Butte Police Commissioner Bartholomew S. Harrington told members of the Associated Press in a brief press conference that the five men, part of a local street gang connected with the infamous Crips, were seeking to collect on a drug debt and invaded the wrong house, with the intended target just so happening to be the next door neighbor of O’Neill’s.

“Mr. O’Neill had just turned in for the night, but was awoken by a loud crash when his backdoor was abruptly kicked in. As the five thugs ran aimlessly through the home, Mr. O’Neill used silent hand-to-hand combat tactics to individually disarm them of their weapons. Once Mr. O’Neill had taken down the five men and secured his home, he brewed a pot of coffee and called the police station. Those boys sure did find the wrong house!” commissioner Harrington said as he chuckled.

O’Neill had little to say on the matter when Butte Daily Times journalist Kevin Williamson interviewed the celebrated war hero.

“It was nothing really. Those kids didn’t have their mission planned out properly and hit the wrong target. I hated to break their wrists and dislocate each of their knees like I did, but it was necessary in order to immobilize the invasion. I hope they get the money that is owed to them once they get out of jail and decide to live better lives. My main concern is getting my back door fixed. Those boys really did a number on the door jamb,” O’Neill stated.

The neighbor who was the intended target seems to have abandoned home and has not been found by police. According to the men in custody, the debt was over a $50 bag of marijuana.

Drake Announces Engagement To Nicki Minaj; Singer Says She’ll ‘Knock Diddy The F— Out’

Posted on December 14, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

MIAMI, Florida –

Just days after a physical altercation between hip-hop heavyweights Drake and Diddy, Drake announced through his publicist, Lolita Valazquez, that he and Nicki Minaj are engaged. The rapper reportedly proposed to Nicki while in Miami earlier this week and “she said yes!” according to Valazquez.

D-Rock Morton, of the hip-hop publication The New Beat, interviewed Valazquez via telephone to confirm the engagement news. While he had her on the line, he asked about the beef between Drake and Diddy.

“It is obviously a legal matter, but I can tell you, producer Boi-1DA gave both of them a song, titled ‘0 to 100,’ and Diddy hadn’t done anything with it for months. So naturally, Drake decided to use it for himself. As you now know, the song was a huge hit for Drake. It seems that Diddy had his pride hurt, and because he’s a little bitch, it led to the altercation. That’s all I can say about the issue,” Valazquez commented.

Later in the day, Nicki Minaj did a radio interview on WFTB: The Mix! in Clearwater, Florida, confirming the engagement. She initially spoke of how she cannot wait to marry her ‘best friend,’ but the interview quickly turned in an abrupt, and angry, direction.

“If Diddy wants to cry like a bitch because Drake recorded a song [Diddy] couldn’t even have done in the first place, then that motherf—– needs to just give it up. I tell ya what though, I will knock that old fool the f— out, believe that. Ain’t nobody gonna disrespect my bae that way. Diddy needs to apologize, or he’ll have to deal with me. That’s all I got to say about that,” Minaj told a stunned WFTB DJ.

With all that has transpired, the hip-hop community is reeling, and industry insiders are expecting some big shit to pop off between the rappers at any time. For now, fans should expect several diss-tracks to emerge after the new year.

Kentucky Middle Schools Forcing Students To Take Class On Satanic Bible

Posted on December 14, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

FRANKFORT, Kentucky –

The Kentucky Department of Education has approved, and even made it mandatory, that all state-run middle schools in the Commonwealth teach a one-semester class to all eighth grade student about the collections, essays, and rituals in the collective work of Anton LaVey’s infamous Satanic Bible.

Department spokesperson David Hastings made the announcement early this morning, citing the board of directors recent decision to allow various religious teachings in schools. According to their new policies, students are free to be able to study from a myriad of religions, even while attending schools that are part of the public sector. Normally, schools prefer to keep religion out of the classroom.

Hastings sent out an email to every teacher and parent in the state school system, saying that in this modern age, humanity needs to forget all that has been preached to them and start from the basics.

“People have the wrong idea immediately when The Satanic Bible is mentioned, almost all of whom have failed to read a single sentence of LaVey’s masterpiece. Some of these God-fearing folk have never even read the Christian bible, and how can you make religious and moral decisions for yourself if you haven’t studied the text?”

“For years the great teachers of our fine state have scratched our collective heads trying to solve the puzzle as to why we are so much further behind than most other states,” said Mark Ryder, a member of the state’s Department of Education. “The answer is simple – we have been programmed as followers instead of truth seekers. We are not saying there is a wrong or right, we are saying take all the information, piece it together and then decide how you feel as an individual.”

To help calm the concerned citizens, the state will also be offering free adult education classes on the course to help prepare parents for the inevitable questions that their children will have about Satan.

“I can’t believe it took this long!” said Iroquois Middle School principal Van Avery. “You can’t just pray at night and not work to survive; you have to do all the work. That’s what the Satanic bible will teach the children. It is wrong for the Christians to teach that all you have to do is pray to fix everything. I prayed once that I’d win the lottery, yet I can’t even win on a $5 scratch off. It is all lies. Seek the truth, don’t be a follower.”

The first students to participate in the state-wide course will be the eighth grade class of the school year 2016-2017.

Kim Kardashian Files For Divorce After Kanye Smashes Child’s Cell Phone

Posted on December 13, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

In another array of Kanye angst-laden turn of events, Hollywood Star Insider Weekly has confirmed, via Los Angeles County Court Clerk office records, that Kim Kardashian has officially filed for divorce from her husband, rapper Kanye West.

According to reports, West allegedly snatched an 8-year-old boy’s cell phone and smashed it on the ground, accusing the boy of taking photographs of him and his wife while at a popular Los Angeles eatery earlier this week. It is assumed that witnesses of the incident were paid off and bound to legal secrecy.

According to Kim’s publicist, Marcella Thomas, Kim has had ‘as much as she could take’ of Kanye’s wild and moody toddler-like antics, and this recent outburst was the ‘final straw.’

“This morning I accompanied Kim to the Los Angeles County Clerks office where she officially filed for divorce,” said Thomas. “Thank God, too. As her publicist, do you know how often I had to be around Kanye? More than once, which is way more time than anyone should ever have to spend with Kanye. At any rate, no further statement regarding the matter is to be issued at this time, and we ask that all fans, here and abroad, respect this very difficult decision.”

Because of the media frenzy surrounding the announcement, Thomas said this was also the perfect time to take advantage of the free publicity, tas she revealed to HSIW that Kim has inked a deal with Calvin Klein to release a new men’s fragrance labeled ‘U-Mad, Bro?’

“I’m so glad that Kim is leaving that lunatic,” said Kardashian ‘superfan’ Maria Bulgara. “I mean, Kanye is okay to look at in certain light – like the kind of light that completely blocks out his face. The man has shown time and time again that he is mentally unstable. I don’t think I’m saying anything that anyone else doesn’t think as well. Also, I am sooo buying my boyfriend that U-Mad cologne for Christmas!”

“It’s about time Kanye ditched that trash anyway,” said West ‘superfan’ Joey Goldsmith. “That tramp, showing her ass all over the internet. I was sickened by all that cellulite! Kanye should go find a good woman, like Barbara Walters or something. Now there’s a chick who looks like she knows how to suck, if you know what I mean. Also, I swear if my bitch gets me any of that U-Mad cologne, I’m gonna throw it out the damn window.”

Kanye West has long been known for his public meltdowns, usually involving paparazzi. Two months ago, the hip-hop artist and producer threw his milkshake at a crying baby, claiming the child was “out of key and needed auto-tune.” However, Kanye immediately apologized, and invited the family to a local car dealership where he bought them a brand new Range Rover.

It is not clear who currently has custody of little North West, the couple’s child, but one thing is for certain, this evolving family drama has all the makings of a highly publicized and extremely drawn out celebrity divorce and custody battle. Empire News will be monitoring this national crisis as it unfolds.

Creed Vocalist Scott Stapp Confesses Recent Crazy Acts All An Elaborate Publicity Stunt To Promote New Band

Posted on December 13, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

TAMPA BAY, Florida –

Just when you thought his conduct could not get any more bizarre, former Creed vocalist Scott Stapp, who has been in the news the last several weeks for what was believed to be the result of mental illness and/or massive drug and alcohol abuse, has confessed to his antics all being an elaborate hoax.

Today in a press conference in a downtown Tampa Holiday Inn, the singer announced that the crazy series of events were all made up to promote the debut of his new band, The Pig Head Conspiracy.

“I’m here to announce to you today that all the terrible news about me, my family, and my financial ruin was all a huge lie. Somehow we were convinced it would help put my name out there again, and would lead to a spike in album sales once my new band released our album,” said Stapp. “I really just assumed that people had forgotten about me, and that this would bring me back into the spotlight. Nobody has bought a Creed album since 1999.”

“That dude sounds crazy as shit,” said Mark Calloway, a 14-year-old ‘metal head’ from Fresno, California. “I mean, I saw his name trending on Facebook, and that’s where I get all my news, so I was looking him up on Wikipedia. I had no idea who Creed was, so I gave them a listen on Spotify. Turns out they suck, so I guess this dude probably did the right thing trying to make himself look like a psycho to sell his new band. It actually makes me want to download his new CD when it comes out. I mean, like, not pay for it, but download it, you know?”

“We fired our promotions manager yesterday,” said band member Aaron Silver. “I’m sorry that we made it seem like Scott had a mental illness or whatever just to promote a band. I mean, he’s definitely off a bit, but he’s not that crazy. Not really. Well, I mean, sort of. But does it matter? He was famous in the 90s, so even if he was completely out of his goddamned mind, the public would forgive him. We always forgive second-rate celebrities, right? I mean shit, Vince Neil killed a guy, and we all still love Motley Crue!”

According to Stapp, the new band, named The Pig Head Conspiracy, is a metal band with its primary theme being politics, unmonitored corruption of the government by way of Satan, and the greed of the Catholic church – a far cry from his former band Creed, which was very pro-biblical.

“The new self-titled album comes out in February, and a national tour is currently being constructed,” said Stapp. “At least a small stint of the tour will be in support of Slipknot. It’s going to be really fun.”