Postal Worker Fired After Putting His Own Feces In Mailboxes

Posted on July 9, 2015 by JP

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

If you live in the Lexington-Fayette area and notice a strange smell coming from your mailbox, don’t attempt to get your mail. A mailman in the area has reportedly been arrested this week after being caught placing his own feces into several mailboxes on his normal route.

Peter Hill, age 45, was caught red-handed by a fellow mailman as he placed human excrement into a mailbox. Chief postal clerk Marion Dunn said she was completely taken aback when she saw Hill putting feces into mailboxes.

“The USPS had asked me to follow him, secretly, on his route one day,” said Dunn. “I did, and we didn’t make it past one house before [Hill] was squatting down, shitting on the ground, and then scooping it up and placing it in the mailbox. I followed him all day, and he did the same thing at 46 houses. To be honest, it was quite a feat. I know I can’t crap on demand like that.”

Hill tells Empire News that he wouldn’t change any of it, and would continue shitting in mailboxes even though he no longer works for the USPS.

“I don’t regret what I did at all, and to be honest I’m glad that I was arrested. It will give me plenty of free time to build up a bulk supply of feces. I was placing my poop in certain mailboxes of people I didn’t enjoy giving mail to. Some of the people left their dogs roam free and I would get attacked on the regular. Others would just do things that irked me like having messy front yards. I had to send a message, and I feel my message came across perfectly – you treat the mailman like shit, you get that right back in return,” said Hill

Ronda Rousey To Fight Two Competitors At Once In Epic Bout

Posted on July 9, 2015 by JP

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

On of the most dominate fighters to ever enter the octagon is making history with her next fight. Ronda Rousey has had fans of the UFC on the edge of their seats ever since see joined the league. Her power, submissions, and quick wins have put her on a level that makes her almost unstoppable to any of her opponents.

The only concern from the UFC is that people may stop watching her fights seeing how see continues to rain supreme. They fear that if she continues on this pace, people may not want to buy her fights on Pay-Per-View when they can easily be watched on social media sites the next day because they are so short.

UFC has announced today that in the next bout with Rousey, she will be taking on two female opponents to be named at a later date.

Dana White has confirmed this, and told us they would have never even thought of such a crazy thing until it was brought up by Rousey after her most recent win.

“She came to me after her most recent win and said ‘you’re going to have to put two fighters in the ring if you want to see a longer fight.’ I laughed and told her that she shouldn’t get to cocky, she then told me she wasn’t kidding and told me to set it up,” said White

The date for the fight has yet to be confirmed and as of now, no fighters have agreed to take part in it.

Male Prisoners Undergoing Sex Change to Escape to Female Sanctuary

Posted on July 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

When espionage convict Bradley Manning became Chelsea Manning, it made headlines in all the major news outlets. Of course, the cause of the biggest leak of confidential documents transitioning into a woman was a human interest story, especially because it seemed so rare. But it turns out that many male prisoners have now latched onto the process as an excuse to escape the dangerous confines of their own prisons into the supposedly friendlier halls of a female penitentiary.

“There is a growing trend of male criminals undergoing hormone treatment and sex change operations, and anonymous surveys show that they’re doing it as a way out,” said expert on prisoner psychology, Jason Brent. “It totally undermines those who are really women inside, and sincerely want to be true to themselves. And it shows that our prison system is not doing its duty by showing [female prison drama] Orange is the New Black.”

Male prisoners appear to believe that female prisons are all about sleepovers and pillow fights.

“I’m totally over the knife fights. I want something more soft and friendly,” John Huewy, a convicted murderer, told reporters. “I’m so excited to go there, make new besties, and play dress up.”

Prison warders say that they are relieved that the less aggressive prisoners are leaving the ‘real men’ to fight like they’re supposed to.

“The pushovers are such a drag,” said one. “We like to see fights to the death, not someone lie down and take what is given with no struggle at all.”

But female wardens and prisoners are not happy about the flux.

“We don’t want those men fucking with the system,” Hillary Hardy of Massachusetts State Penitentiary said. “It’s unfair to all of us, prisoners and staff. Plus, our chicks are badass. They’s gonna beat those male sissy motherfuckers into shit.”

Dogs Campaigning for Right to Marry Humans; Say if Gays Can do it, Why Can’t They?

Posted on July 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an unexpected playing out of the straw man argument that conservatives use against gay rights, a local dogs’ group has started a campaign for the legalization of human-dog marriages. Their main argument is, if gays can do it, why can’t we? The number of canines interested in interspecies – or any type of – marriage is reportedly small, but they are resolved to be vocal in bringing their cause to public attention.

“Once gay marriage became legal in many states, the whole idea of what a marriage should be was permanently altered,” said Timothy Kruger, the dog at the head of the campaign. “Since it’s no longer defined as the joining of a man and a woman, who’s to say at what point we should stop. A man should be allowed to marry his dog.”

Resistance from conservative groups has been swift and strong, as expected. They have also, predictably, said “I told you so” with smug looks on their faces, before decrying the acceptance of dogs, gays and liberals in modern society.

“What is our world coming to, when the idea of dog marriage is seriously entertained?” asked Senator Ted Cruz. “We knew all along that this would happen – that our society would crumble before our eyes – but those on the left always think they know better.”

Human marriage equality groups have been mixed in their responses, with the majority against the legalization of human-dog marriage, but some fringe organizations actively supporting it.

“I don’t think dogs should be discriminated against, but the problem is that this comes too soon,” said head of LGBTI group, Gay For Life, Samuel Martin. “It gives the Republicans a leg to stand on which, quite frankly, they don’t need. We need a few more decades for the normalization of gay marriage, before we can start thinking about more liberal measures.”

Roger Hess, a member of the same group, however, disagreed strongly.

“It will harm our cause, there’s no doubt about that,” he said. “But that’s no reason to allow blatant discrimination to go on. We need to stand up for progressive values, no matter how hard it might be.”

Doritos Announces A New Weed Infused Chip

Posted on July 7, 2015 by JP

PURCHASE, New York –

Fantastic news coming to those who enjoy the popular Frito Lay chip Doritos and those that also enjoy to smoke a bit of the refer. Coming to stores soon is a new style of the popular snack that will be infused with THC, the main chemical in marijuana.

Doritos and weed have been a popular duo for years now and the company decided to cut out the middle man and give the people what they want. With so many edible marijuana products on the selves, Frito Lay decided to take the leap and have told us they should have done it years ago.

We spoke to a Colorado man who was given a few bags of the new chip and claims while they were delicious and extremely fun, he wished he went about his experience a bit differently.

“I was asked to be in a test project for the new chip and I was pumped. They literally paid me to smoke weed and then eat weed, it was rad as hell. The chips tasted great, the buzz it gave me awesome, but there was one problem. I smoked a bong right before indulging in the chips and got the munchies real bad. The only thing I had to snack on was the weed infused Doritos and began to chop those down. I got in a weird cycle were I kept getting high and then hungry due to the THC in the chip. Finally, 2 days later I ran out of all the bags the test project gave me and my buzz finally wore off and I could wash he cheese residue off my hands and put pants on”

Lays has confirmed that they will be putting a warning label on the chips and children will not be able to buy the chips unless there parents give consent.

McDonalds Is Offering An Adult Happy Meal; Comes With Sex Toy

Posted on July 7, 2015 by JP

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

Fast food chain Mcdonalds has decided to run a controversial promotion that business experts say will either make of break the company. Coming this March Mcdonalds will be serving adult happy meals that come with a sandwich, fries, drink, and a sex toy.

The did do a focus group and a survey showed that 85 percent of the people they polled loved the idea of having a sex toy with their burger. The most popular was labeled as “The McGangBang” which included a Big Mac and a 12 inch dildo. While that did great with women customer, the men seemed to prefer the “Fist Fillet” a fish sandwich that including a large rubber vaginal mold. McDonalds claim the numbers for the “Fist Fillet” may not be to popular after lint season seeing how a lot of their customers are Catholic and eat a lot of fish during the holiday.

They have also addressed questions of how they plan on serving the adult happy meals and have decided to serve the meal with the toy in a black box so embarrassment and exposure will not be an issue.

All customers will be carded at the counter or drive-thru and must be at least 21 years olds to purchase the item.

Law Firm With Unfortunate Name Declares Bankruptcy

Posted on July 7, 2015 by DvanL

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania –

What’s in a name? Unfortunately for one Pittsburgh area law firm containing an unintentionally success-killing message, the answer is: everything.

The personal injury law firm of Bleedom, Drye & Rhunn, closed its doors last week and filed for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy after recent efforts to expand its client base fell short.

“I knew from the start that we shouldn’t have gone with alphabetical order,” said Patricia Bleedom, former partner in the recently shuttered law practice. “Truth be told, we tried all kinds of naming combinations, but none of them seemed to work. ‘Drye Rhunn’ was on the table for a bit, but with a name like that, it sounded like we weren’t ready to practice law, when in fact, we have over 45 years of combined experience!”

Partner Maxine Drye was the first to recommended a simple name change earlier this year when business began to taper off. “I came up with ‘Rhunn Partners’ but decided it sounded too much like sportswear. ‘The Drye Group’ was just, I don’t know – it just sounded sad. ‘Bleedom Limited Partners’ made me think of a commuter rail line, or something surgical,” she recalled. “We were going in circles.”

“We also considered ‘Rhunn Drye,’ she continued, “but that was like saying we couldn’t come up with any winning strategies for our clients. ‘Drye Bleedom’ didn’t sound approachable enough.”

“There was way too much talk about renaming the firm,” said LaVerne Rhunn. “We were wasting valuable time better spent chasing down accident victims and finding people who were maimed or injured on the job. I guess all that stationery we ordered is going to be used for scrap,” she mused, packing the remaining contents of her desktop into a shoebox. “We had a good run,” said Rhunn.

It’s not easy in the best of times to keep a business going,” commented Bleedom, “and with this economy, no matter how many clients you get who’ve suffered from medical side effects such as unwanted hair growth, impotence, insomnia, partial hearing loss, tinnitus, female ‘male pattern baldness,’ uncontrollable muscle movements, dropsy, temporary blindness, birth defects, itching, fever, rash, impotence, sneezing, congestion, wheezing, reverse asthma, high blood pressure, constipation and dry mouth, you reach a point where it’s just no fun anymore.”

So what’s next for Patty, Maxine, and LaVerne?

“We’ll probably do something together again, business-wise,” said Bleedom. We work so well together. The thing I’ll miss the most is the camaraderie – we had good harmony together.”

Drye looks forward to the change. “I’m always up for new challenges,” she said. And if these 2 gals over here want to try for something, I’m in!” she exclaimed, all smiles, with just a hint of sadness.

Rhunn was more philosophical about the turn of events. “Maybe it’s time to take a little step back and reexamine things,” she said. “I’ve always wanted to take up sculpting. Maybe I’ll try that. All I know is, when I’m through packing up, I’m going home, burying my head in a pint of Häagen-Dazs, turning off my phone, and catching up on my shows!”

Man Is Given Sight For First Time In His Life; Claims It Is ‘Too Bright’

Posted on July 5, 2015 by JP

BUFFALO, New York –

After 26 years, a man is given a gift he hasn’t ever had in his entire life. Scott Bruce was born legally blind, and after a surgery was done Tuesday evening, doctors gave him the ability to finally see what the world looks like. It was a new procedure for fixing blindness in people like Bruce who have never been able to see, and doctors were only giving a five percent chance of the surgery even working.

Surgeons in Buffalo were blown away when it actually took but weren’t very happy with how Bruce reacted to his new vision. Apparently he began to complain immediately after the bandages were taken off about how bright everything was and asked if the doctors could place the bandages back on.

“We were excited that he was able to see for he first time in his life, I just wish he was excited as us,” said Doctor Paul Spratt

Bruce has told us that he intends to give a few days of sight but if he doesn’t adjust then he would like to go under the needle again and remove his vision.

“I don’t know how people do it, everything was so bright and it gave me a headache. The sun, lights, television, all of it was way too much to take in, and to be honest, I’d prefer no sight at all over this,” said Bruce.

Doctor Spratt has told us that he will refuse to do the surgery if Bruce does not want to keep his vision, and suggests to his patient to appreciate the fact that he has his sight for the first time.

“Screw him,” said Bruce. “If he won’t do the surgery to reverse this, I’ll literally stab out my goddamn eyes.”

Research Shows That Over Grown Mustaches Cause Face Tumors

Posted on July 5, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

If you happen to be a person with a lengthy stash, you may want to due some trimming. Doctors have conducted a research study on the effects of growing a long or bushy mustache, and the results may come as a surprise.

According to their research, men with over grown mustaches have a better chance to develop a face tumor in their lifetime due to their facial hair. The study revealed that while facial hair is, of course, natural, letting your facial hair grow long on your upper lip can end up clogging important pores in your face. This can lead to blood clots, ingrown hairs, and eventual face tumors.

Doctors claim that it is uncommon for hair to grow that long on ones face and are comparing it to a ingrown nail. By letting a ingrown nail continue to grow you can cause nerve damage along with other serious effects. They are stating by letting one area of your facial hair overgrow like this, the symptoms are the same but with more serious consequences.

It has also been concluded that if one was to grow out their eyebrows the same results could follow. While your facial hair doesn’t weigh that much, the pressure from long and dense hair on the face can be enough to cause serious damage.

Researchers say that they are hoping that this long mustache phase will fizzle out soon, or they say several cities throughout the country, such as Portland, Oregon, could face a face tumor epidemic.

Georgia Man Dies After Triggering Booby Trap He Rigged In His Own Home

Posted on July 5, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

SAVANNAH, Georgia –

In an extremely gruesome and horrific scene, the body of Ernest Gaylord Michelberger, 67, of Savannah, Georgia was discovered severed in half near the waist earlier this week in his home where he lived alone.

Michelberger’s son, Gunner Michelberger, found his deceased father in a state that Savannah Poilice Department spokesperson Melinda Yarberry described as grotesquely bizarre. “After a thorough investigation of the scene and interviewing family members, cause of death has officially been ruled an accident by way of booby trap,” Yarberry said.

Gunner Michelberger said that his father had grown more and more paranoid over the years because of minorities moving into his neighborhood.

“My Daddy was not a racist, and he surely didn’t raise his kids to be a racist, but the fear of getting the house broken into and being robbed grew stronger and stronger. He bought a bunch of guns and learned how to rig booby traps from some book he had,” the younger Michelberger said.

The contraption constructed by the elder Michelberger consisted of an elaborate system of levers, pullies, and two chainsaws, which had push-button starters installed on them.

Yarberry, who held a small press briefing to discuss and answer questions regarding the towns police activities over the past week, made very adamantly that the death of Mr. Michelberger was a wake up call. “Over the years in the state of Georgia, more and more people are injured by booby traps they’ve created themselves. Installing any kind of booby trap is strictly prohibited by law in the state of Georgia. Things likes this happen when people start getting paranoid,” she said.