American Airlines Annoyed That the Media Loves Plane Crashes

Posted on April 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CINCINATTI, Ohio –

American Airlines has expressed its annoyance with the media’s obsession with plane crashes. The major corporation says that it can no longer tolerate the collective wankfest that takes place after every air disaster, regardless of nationality or even cause. Their patience was seemingly tried to breaking point by the recent response to the Germanwings plane crash, precipitated by a suicidal co-pilot. Approximately 150 passengers were killed, a detail the media repeated over and over again, presumably with its metaphoric dick in its hand.

“The Malaysian flight that got lost… that was more than enough,” said Doug Parker, CEO of the transport giants. “With all their screwy theories, and the excitement over every bit of non-evidence… Then the flight that got shot down over the Ukraine, now this. It seems like all you see on CNN is plane crashes. It’s just not fair.”

Media analyst, John Tremp, agreed with the sentiment.

“The ratios are pretty insane,” said Tremp. “The number of planes that crash in a year – less than 200. The amount of airtime it gets on all media platforms – fucking enormous. It’s like the porn industry – there are exponentially more pornos portraying a housewife getting fucked by the pool boy than what happens in real life. It’s no wonder American Airlines is pissed.”

But the media has collectively promised not to stop the immense over coverage of such events saying, “America perves over this stuff. Traffic on RedTube and YouPorn goes down – pardon the pun – during coverage of air disasters. We as the media are committed to giving the citizens of the USA what they want, even if it is somewhat sickening.”

According to statistics, even articles blasting the obsession bring in unnecessary details of the event. For example, such articles will tell you that the co-pilot had been treated for suicidal thoughts, which surely is not something everyone has to know. Also routinely reported is inside info of the captain’s final words, including the devastating cry of “For God’s sake open the door!” – pure voyeurism.

Trevor Noah Blasted By Families Of Victims Of His Tweet Criticizing Israel

Posted on April 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

It’s been 3 days since Trevor Noah was announced as the new host of The Daily Show, and already he is in hot water. The relative newcomer to the international comedy scene has come under fire for potentially offensive comments he’s made on Twitter in the past, and now the families of the victims of his tweets are making their voices heard. In particular, a comment he made about Israel, that has been called anti-Semitic.

In June 2010, he wrote, “South Africans know how to recycle like israel [sic] knows how to be peaceful.”

The remark reportedly led to 12 deaths and 33 injuries, directly related to taking offense. A representative of the survivors and the victims’ families gave a brief press conference in which he announced their intention to pursue a class action lawsuit against the South African funnyman.

“The offended parties have expressed their disappointment in Comedy Central’s decision to employ a known offender,” Adv. Richard Goldman stated. “Not only is he a polarizing figure, Noah has shown that he is unrepentant by continuing to say things which may be deemed offensive by my clients.”

Sally Bernstein, who lost an arm due to another of the comedian’s Twitter controversies, says she will fight till the end, tooth and nail.

“Noah cannot get away with this,” she wrote on her blog, itakeoffense.com. “The world has already shown its prejudices against the Jewish state, by not taking him to the International Criminal Court. Now he is being glorified!”

But not all Jewish and Zionist organizations are in agreement with the reactionary storm. Josh Tucker, of Herzl High School in Johannesburg, stood up for the underfire personality.

“He came to our school,” said Tucker. “The Department of Informal Jewish Education (DIJE) invited him. He made Jewish jokes and we all laughed. Seriously, anyone who dies from a vaguely offensive tweet is purposely being killed off by evolution.”

Tony Bennett And Lady Gaga To Star In Buddy Cop Movie

Posted on April 3, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Hollywood was all a buzz yesterday with the announcement that singers and friends Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga have signed a deal for an upcoming motion picture. The film Crooner And Legs will be a buddy cop movie, and filming will begin in late spring.

“I’m very excited, I love buddy cop movies,” said Tony Bennett, 88. ”I can’t give too much away about the script but I play a Detective one week away from retirement, trying to solve one last big case. It’s going to be great working with Gaga, she’s a great friend and a great talent. Whenever I work with Gaga, I feel 70 years younger. She’s truly a special person.”

“Tony and I are like soul mates,” said Lady Gaga, age 29. ”In the movie I play an ex-Rockette turned cop. Except for the special effects, stunt doubles, and shoot outs, the movie will be like real life, Tony and I singing to each other. This movie will be magical. Tony at the end of a long successful career and me at the start of one.

”The script was written for Kanye West and Paul McCarthy,” said Ira Goldstein, Executive Producer. “Kanye was insisting on an Oscar before he signed a contract. I tried explaining to him that’s not how it works, but he called me a racist and backed out of the deal. I’m happy we were able to Tony and Gaga, their on screen chemistry will make this movie a hit.”

“ He’s old as all hell and half the time I’m not sure she’s even a woman,” said film critic Carmine Classi. ”This movie has train wreck written all over it.”

‘Plenty Of People Are Not Going To Run For President’ Says FOX News

Posted on April 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

FOX News are reporting that plenty of people are not going to run for president in 2016. The startling analysis comes amid speculation of who will next announce their intention to run, with Ted Cruz the first of many hopeless candidates to kickstart his campaign. With Cruz proving that Republican primaries are inclusive of even the unlikeliest politicians, droves of senators, governors, and laymen are thought to be planning their next moves.

“Sources indicate that there are still going to be thousands, if not millions, of Americans not running for president,” said Bill O’Reilly, host of his eponymous show. “This is indeed surprising, as the list of individuals who won’t be running includes some shocks. For example, Governor Pence of Indiana won’t be campaigning, and neither will my friend Richard from down the road.”

Critics of FOX News have, however, dismissed their reports as “nothing more than hopeful speculations.” Jon Stewart in particular was vocal in his criticism.

“Come on Bill, who do you think you’re kidding?” he ranted on The Daily Show. “How about you? Will you be running for president? I think it’s telling that you kept this information hidden, when it has direct bearing on your story. This is more mindless fear-mongering.”

Henry Goldstein, a conservative Jewish commentator, hit back at Stewart, saying that “he has no idea what he’s talking about. All this rhetoric, when really FOX News is the only network reporting the truth. I’m gonna be candid, and add my name to the list of those not running for president. Jon ‘Stewart’ has forgotten his conservative Jewish heritage.”

Other analysts were underwhelmed by the reports. CNN’s John Dreyer acknowledged the possible veracity of FOX’s exclusive, but speculated that it will have no bearing on the political outlook of the country.

“When it comes down to it, it will be between Jeb [Bush] and Hillary [Clinton]. This stands true whether the whole country runs for president, or only most of it.”

Hollywood Looking For More True Stories to Fit Existing Scripts

Posted on April 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Big players in Hollywood are reportedly scouring the country for true stories which they can fit to the plots of scripts they have approved for production. Hundreds of movies have been stalled in the pipeline by the lax scouting that has characterised the industry of late, leading to many movies losing that powerful inspiration that “based on a true story” movies have.

“A lot of films have lost out because we haven’t put enough effort into this,” said Paul Matfield, a director contracted to Warner Brothers Studios. “I heard that Focus, in particular, was meant to be based around real life conmen, but in the end they didn’t have time to find someone in jail or someone reformed who was charismatic enough for his Wikipedia page to fit the bill.”

According to industry insiders, plots waiting for real people include James Bond style secret agent films, tear-jerking dramas about mothers who lost a child, heroic animals who saved their human masters in extreme conditions, and sports stories about a team that won against all the odds.

“They don’t have to be exact, we just need people, groups and tragedies which have similar superficial details that your average man won’t look past. It was particularly tragic that they had no one to base Birdman on. Also, Cake could surely have found a crash victim to fit to Jennifer Aniston’s character.”

A source from one big studio, revealed that recent events will, indeed, give inspiration to many when matched with a plot.

“That Germanwings crash that just happened goes really well with a tragic drama about a suicidal pilot that we’ve had for over a decade. Israel’s Gaza war in 2014 already has many long awaited political dramas in the works. Now we’re just waiting for a major terror attack in a Western nation, that will lead directly to some sure crowd favorites and award winners.”

Champion Gamer Claims Going Outside is ‘Overrated’

Posted on April 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CLARKSVILLE, Louisiana –

2014 Call Of Duty (CoD) champion, 32-year-old Gary Greenberg, told interviewers that “going outside, above-ground, is overrated.” According to his own admission, the gamer has not left his mom’s basement since winning the previous tournament, and he only plans to emerge for the 2015 champs. Jane Dough was the brave journalist to enter the aging manchild’s lair.

“I’ve spent some time out there, and it has nothing on my bunker,” he said, alluding to the term he has given the dingy room in which he eats, sleeps, and neglects to shower. “Over here, I’ve got my friends constantly connected via headset, so that I can shout insults at them without the fear of ever meeting them, and I can practice for the next big event in my life.”

Dough asked Greenberg if he has had an interest in love, or even just casual sex.

“Of course I do. Every man has that – especially frustrated unhygienic men like me. But is it worth living in that horrid world of light, ambition, and abject failure? Certainly not.”

Greenberg was asked to describe his favorite aspects of his so-called bunker.

“It’s always warm in here, summer or winter. I don’t have to see anyone, and when people come down here they can’t see me because their eyes never adjust all the way to the dimness. Mostly, though, it’s not above-ground, that overrated shitty world which is home to the vast majority of assholes and jerks.”

Greenberg went on to explain why the CoD tournament was such a big event in his life, considering he had to go into the outside world to participate.

“I want my life to be an example to the youth out there – that they don’t have to settle for their lives. They can be just like me, and have a very successful career.”

Britney Spears Wants Sons to Live ‘Normal Lives’ As Kids of Mega-Rich Celebrity

Posted on April 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Britney Spears made entertainment news recently by going back to school – enrolling in math classes so that she would be able to help her sons with their difficult homework. She told E! Entertainment that all she wants is for her sons to lead the lives of regular boys who are children of a multimillionaire celebrity.

“It’s so important to me that their lives are no different to other kids their ages,” she said, “who have parents of major stardom. That’s why I’m ensuring that they get in the news for doing math homework. I heard Angelina [Jolie]’s kids are learning about the Civil War, and I didn’t want my boys to feel left out.”

The 33-year-old singer has two sons with ex-husband Kevin Federline – Sean,9, and Jayden James, 8. The brothers have been in the spotlight since before birth. It is expected that they grow into troubled teenagers, like many of their friends from celebrity families.

“Sean already feels a little let down by me I think,” said Spears. “He hasn’t had the amount of publicity that other children are getting, and that’s my fault. And perhaps I haven’t had enough issues lately, which would have made me self-involved and neglectful, like any good celebrity mother.”

Jayden, however, has led a life like other famous-by-association boys of his age, and Britney is not worried about his prospects in the public eye.

“He has followers on Twitter, I posted pics of him being breastfed and taking baths, I did all that stuff so he would fit in. The paparazzi know everything about him and make his life as claustrophobic as should be expected for the son of an award-winning artist.”

Kevin Federline, the boys’ father and Spears’ ex-husband, acknowledged that Britney is doing a good job raising their children.

“I approve of how she’s handled it. They’re going to rival the best of the celebrity kids.”

Gay High School Kid Can’t Wait to be the Target of More Sophisticated Bigotry

Posted on April 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

JONESVILLE, Indiana –

Fifteen year old homosexual school goer, David Moore, is looking forward to leaving school in order to get away from the insults hurled at him daily by his classmates. Moore says he is tired of being called “faggot” and “cocksucker” and is ready for the more sophisticated discrimination he will face in the adult world.

“It really gets to me when kids tell me to stick a dick up my ass, or to be a real man. I’m growing up, and I just want to move on, into a world which tells me I can’t marry the person I love because it ruins the sanctity of the family.”

Moore told us that his teachers do not show their own rationally irrational discrimination, due to the fact that the kids are doing it for them.

“I wish they’d just get in on it. I don’t care that they don’t reprimand the other guys, but they could at least add some of the adult bigotry that I’m ready to face.”

He says that he is considering moving to Indiana, where he can be refused service by homophobic store owners according to the Freedom of Religion bill recently passed.

“They wouldn’t care that I’m only fifteen. They’d kick me out of there just like any other grown man. But my parents won’t allow it. They say I need to finish school before I get adult privileges.”

But Moore admitted that he does face some forms of so-called “internalized homophobia”, especially from the supposedly liberal students, most of whom are girls.

“They all want to be friends with me, just so they can say they have a gay best friend. It makes me feel like I’m finally getting there, when I face discrimination in the form of acceptance. It’s really sophisticated.”

Will Ferrell Proves That Hollywood Walk of Fame Not Just for Good Actors

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Will Ferrell last week proved that the Hollywood Walk of Fame is not reserved for “only the best” actors. The famous walkway has received criticism in the past, facing accusations of being elitist, and only serving the talented minority. But the not-all-that-funnyman’s reception of a star among many really good actors, is evidence that the Walk is becoming more liberal and inclusive.

“This has been a long time in coming,” said activist Amy London. “For decades mediocre actors have been ignored in the awards. Ferrell is a perfect example. For years he’s served Hollywood in playing bit parts in good comedies, and taking center stage in bad ones, and has never received the recognition he deserves. Well now he’s being rightfully acknowledged.”

Ferrell himself admitted that he never expected to be inducted into the exclusive group of honorees on the Walk of Fame. However, he acknowledged that there is a basis for discrimination, and that he does not want his example to become political.

“Look, not everyone can have a star,” he told reporters. “It’s like when you’re a kid, and you win a competition but everyone gets medals for participation. It spoils the whole idea. There should be a more fair way of deciding who gets a star – like massive wrestling matches, where the last man – or woman – standing takes it.”

Some have shown skepticism about the motives behind Ferrell’s inclusion, saying that the award was only given to him to pander to critics.

“It’s not about equality, at all,” said neighborhood grouch Peter Poulsen. “They just want to act all progressive and forward-thinking. They think that by giving one bad actor an award, they can forget about them for the next three decades? We’ll make sure they don’t.”

4-Year-Old Prodigy Stuns World By Being Accepted To Yale

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

ROYAL OAK, Michigan –

A 4-year-old boy has stunned the world by becoming the youngest person ever to be admitted to Yale – or any other college. Hans Stensy of Michigan is being called a prodigy. Since his first birthday he has been a party trick for his parents, with his eloquent use of the English language, as well as groundbreaking literature theory. John and Nancy Stensy believe that Hans is ready to change the face of American higher education, and will allow him to skip regular schooling to get his bright future started.

“We’re very proud of our Hans,” Nancy told reporters. “He wows us every day with his knowledge of Tolstoy and Kafka, as well as his critiques of modern American poetry and disdain for J.K. Rowling.”

Empire News secured an exclusive interview with the child genius.

When did you realize you were special?

“From the moment of conception, my mental faculties exceeded that of the average American. Still, there was a long path ahead of me before I could actualize my abilities, and it was only at birth that I discovered other homo-sapiens existed.”

You’re so cute with those big words.

“I know not of an interview in which the interviewee has been told he is cute. I don’t appreciate it, and I am willing to get my mommy to take me home if it continues.”

Why literature? Why not mathematics, like the usual child prodigies?

“Mathematics is simple. All it requires is basic algorithms which, for most humans, appear incredibly difficult, yet are obvious to my intellect. Literature is art, and thus there are no correct answers, except that Shakespeare is overrated and that Dan Brown is a commercial whore.”

When did you have time to read so many books?

“I cannot explain the speed at which I read, as you probably know very little about the cognitive means with which words are processed.”

Do you have any inspirational words for future college applicants?

“Don’t give up. The smartest of you are hardly any better than the dumbest – it only seems so to your extremely limited capabilities.”

Hans will be at Yale from the beginning of next semester. He is expected to be carried to classes by fellow students who patronize him without knowing what that term means.