Burger King Admits They Are Source Of All McDonald’s Rumors, Urban Legends

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

JACKSONVILLE, Florida –

After years of speculation, Burger King have finally admitted to being behind every single rumor and urban legend denigrating rivals McDonald’s. The fast food franchise were under pressure to make the announcement, from a private detective McDonald’s hired to investigate the possibility. Percy Lupin discovered emails between employees on the creative side of the business, coming up with ridiculous but somehow believable defamation against their so-called #1 enemy.

“There’s loads of data, proving that Burger King thought up the legends,” said Lupin. “Even before the advent of email, they somehow used the service to communicate the rumor that earthworms are used in McDonald’s hamburgers.”

Further allegations, of using genetically mutated cows for example, are more recent. That hoax was spread via chain emails, along with photoshopped images of what were supposed to be big blobs of living cow.

Daniel Schwartz, CEO of Burger King, published the admission, along with a long-winded, grovelling apology.

“Yes, we did it,” he wrote. “We created all those horrible rumors and hoaxes. How else were we to rival the McD’s empire? I speak for myself and the whole franchise, in saying that we regret every moment of it… All of us are putting ourselves up for the greatest criticism, and some of us may commit suicide in the coming days, out of the immense shame we’ve caused ourselves. Please, McDonald’s, don’t sue us.”

McDonald’s have yet to release a public statement, but sources indicate that they are not going to let Burger King live this down.

“There’ll be an advertising campaign, that’s for sure,” Don Tripont, media expert, told reporters. “Also expected, are personal jabs at Burger King employees, from the highest level to the lowest. They’ll be accused of adultery, murder and rape, until their lives are ruined. The message will be clear: Don’t fuck with McDonald’s.”

Scientists Discover Ability To Charge Cell Phones With Static Electricity

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

In news that will revolutionize the smartphone industry, scientists have discovered a method of charging digital devices using static electricity. Technology news outlet, Wired, detailed the development on Monday afternoon. According to their report, charging your cell phone will require nothing more than a charger and the sweater your grandmother knitted for Christmas.

“Everyone knows how static electricity works, because we all learned the balloon trick and the one with the ruler and paper,” chief techno geek, Rob Fordburg wrote. “Many laymen have questioned why cell phones can’t be charged with the same source of electricity. Now we know the ability has been there all along.”

Bill Nye the Science Guy explained how and why the method works.

“When you rub a balloon against your sweater, amazing things happen!” he shouted at the wrong cameraman. “It’s fantastic. Bombastic. It sticks to your sweater. And that energy can be harnessed for our cell phones. Twitter, Facebook, ESPN, all powered by the simplicity of a balloon.”

“And don’t forget the sweater,” his child assistant interjected.

Apple have moved swiftly, however, to dampen the hopes of this cheap and portable method of charging.

“All sweaters used to charge iPhones or iPads must be purchased from a licensed Apple retailer,” said CEO Tim Cook. “If we ascertain that a non-Apple sweater has been used, the warranty will be voided.”

Samsung, on the other hand, have embraced the discovery, saying that static electricity sources are available for free with any handset, and that all it requires is a free app, powered by Google.

Interest in the discovery is expected to dwindle, as soon as people realize how dumb they’ll look with their smartphones plugged into their knitted sweaters.

Colorado Teens Injecting Marijuana To Get High

Posted on March 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

In a state where marijuana sales and use has only recently become legal, teens and young adults are already finding new ways of abusing the substance to get as high as quickly, and with as much strength, as possible. The new trend among teenage users is to actually inject marijuana in the same way someone would heroin or cocaine, shooting it directly into the bloodstream.

“I’ve been smoking weed for so long, it just doesn’t do the trick anymore.” Said Lucas Davis, a 20 year old from Boulder. “I went on to dabs, and then to other more potent versions of weed, just trying to get as high as [expletive], ya know? Nothing has worked as well as just shooting that [expletive] right into my arm.”

Doctors have already cautioned worried parents that if they aren’t quick to stop their kids from injecting marijuana, they may see an epidemic of young people addicted to the drug.

“These kids who inject, they are far, far more likely to become addicted to marijuana than someone who just smokes it.” Said Dr. Michael Raymond, a surgeon at Bridgeton Memorial Hospital just outsider Boulder. “Weed is an immensely addictive drug. Patients of ours who smoke marijuana have reported that they became addicted almost immediately upon trying it for the first time, and most have to go through months of drug rehabilitation before they kick their addiction – and that is just the people who smoke it. Kids who are shooting up marijuana, they are headed down a serious drug path.”

Despite warnings from doctors and other medical professionals, most teens say they aren’t worried about the repercussions of injecting marijuana.

“I don’t get the fuss with weed, man. It’s all about chilling out, maybe eating a box of Zebra Cakes and watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix. It’s not like I have a real drug problem.” Said Derek Paul, a teenager from Aspen, Colorado. “Sure, I get paranoid when I’m high sometimes, but I stopped smoking and switched to banging [injecting] it because sometimes I’d cough so damn much when hitting the bong I thought my lungs were bleeding. This works better. It feels so [expletive] good to get high, you know? It feels really damn good.”

Worried parents in Colorado, as well as other parts of the country, have formed an online support group for people with children addicted to shooting up marijuana. The private Facebook group, Parents Against Marijuana Abuse, or PAMA, already has over 6,000 members.

“You have all really given me so much support through these troubled times in my son’s life.” Said Erin Silver, who posted to the group’s page. “My boy Marcus overdosed while shooting up marijuana, and he almost died. When I showed him all the parents on here, people from all over the country who were scared for their children’s lives, he quit his weed abuse cold turkey. He’s been off marijuana now for 2 weeks. I am so proud of him.”

“I’m not worried about what doctors say,” said Davis. “I just like the way it feels, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get the best high I can. Oh hey, have you seen my box of Bugles anywhere?”

Kim & Kanye’s Baby North Confirmed To Be Actual Child After Several Month Study

Posted on March 27, 2015 by Justin Birch

LOS ANGELES, California –

North West, daughter of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, has been the subject of much debate since her uncontrollable raging tantrum at the NYFW show in February, but scientists may have finally put the question to rest.

The theory that North West was a baby has been floating around for many months, but it was not until Samson Germaine, the head of the specialized North West Research Foundation, had the chance to observe her in person that it was confirmed.

“I suspected all along that the reason she was crying was because she was a baby. Many other suggestions floated around, ranging from Mr. West himself saying she was just standing up for him in the past to renowned behavioral psychologists pointing to her long-standing issues with anxiety from a turbulent stock portfolio.”

The theory was dismissed by his colleagues at first, but Germaine pressed on.

“I didn’t have much to go on other than a hunch, but I checked it out anyway. Sometimes you have to do things that way.”

Germaine says he followed the trio anywhere he legally could without “being too creepy,” until he overheard her father talking about changing her diaper.

“Well, when I heard that I thought: she’s certainly not elderly, and what other class of people wear diapers?”

After publishing his findings in a peer reviewed journal, the world immediately took to social media in disbelief, spreading the news almost within the hour. The mystery of why young North West cried at inopportune moments was finally solved, and the world rested a little easier.

Rehabilitation Center Trains Penguins to Eat With Chopsticks to Enjoy Meals

Posted on March 27, 2015 by Justin Birch

SAN DIEGO, California –

Rehabilitators, biologists, and animal lovers in California are working through an animal rehabilitation center to bring back the joy of eating food to one of the planet’s most beloved species.

It’s been many years since penguins had the ability to taste their food. Janes, head of the research department at the center, explains one of her theories:

“They eat fish. They swallow their food whole. They don’t even cook it, or skin it, or clean it – how can that be tasty? So since they’re basically eating the wildlife equivalent of sushi, we thought it best to teach them to slow down, take a minute to savor the food, and eat it properly – with chopsticks!”

She posits that teaching penguins to eat with chopsticks will slow them down at mealtime, allowing them to experience wonderful tastes once again.

“The biggest challenge so far,” Janes said, “has been figuring out how they can use the chopsticks without fingers. It’s been a battle, but we’re making good progress.”

Slowing them down also means that penguin families will have more time together, sharing the same mealtime-bonding that humans do. This is expected to lessen Antarctic youth crimes by as much as 80% in the first year. The Antarctic Penguins Police Force (APPF) has made a generous monetary gift in support of this program and is urging other communities, such as the Galapagos Penguins, to do the same.

“If we can spend our taxpayer dollars to help our neighbors improve their quality of life instead of paying for crimes out of frustration and depression – well it’s not even a question,” the Chief of the APPF said.

The group’s next move is to teach the penguins how to clean and cook their fish before eating them. A number of spices and some cooking utensils will be sent home with each released penguin.

U.S. Regulators Looking To Drop Legal Drinking Age From 21 To 12

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINTON, D.C. –

United States regulators have recently announced their plans to drop the legal drinking age from 21 to 12, citing the minimum-age drinking laws of other many other countries around the world, some of which are even lower.

“It’s really far, far too high of an age. Everyone knows that kids sneak alcohol long before they turn 21. We just want to make it legal for them to do so.” Said Congressman Alex Silver of Denver. “I let my 14 year old drink all the time at home. He’s perfectly fine, a straight-C+ student. You couldn’t ask for a better kid.”

Federal lawmakers have generally left it up to individual states to regulate their minimum age for drinking laws, but these new statutes would generally supersede most states’ laws, allowing pre-teens across the country to get their drink on.

“Ohmygod I cannot wait to do some shots, shots, shotshotshotshot shots with my friends!” Said Felisia Ann, a 16 year old from Concord, New Hampshire. “Normally I would just let some college dude get to second base with me behind the liquor store, and then he’d buy it for me. This is so much better. I’m super stoked that they’re looking to lower the age. I’ve gotta text my friends and let them know we will be able to stop drinking rubbing alcohol and cough syrup!”

Parents of young teens are naturally outraged at the government’s decision to step in and lower the drinking age.

“It would be one thing if they lowered it back to 18, like it used to be.” Said Cassie Jones, a mother of 3 teenage girls. “I’ve always thought there was no problem with it being 18. We let people go to Iraq and kill at 18, but they can’t drink? It’s absurd. But what’s even more absurd is Joe-Law thinking my kid should be allowed to drink at age 12. At that age they’re barely off the bottle as it is, and now they want to put a new bottle in their mouth? Please.”

Representative Sam Clemens, of Pennsylvania, disagrees.

“In France, Germany, Ireland – all over the world, kids are allowed to drink at an extremely young age.” Said Clemens. “Even younger than 12 in some cases, and those children, they will have a wine with dinner or a bottle of whisky instead of a juice box. Those countries don’t exactly have strikingly high rates of alcoholism, either. Well, maybe Ireland, but that’s obvious.”

Regardless of federal regulations, most parents have said that they will not be permitting their children to have any alcohol until they are much older.

“There is no way that my son is going to have any booze. He’s barely 14.” Said Joe Goldsmith, of Kentucky. “When I was 14, I couldn’t drink or my father would have taken a belt to my ass. So I did what most 14 year olds did, and I smoked a ton of weed. If my son wants to get high, that’s fine, but he’s certainly not going to be brown-bagging it with his friends on the weekends.”

“No matter what my parents say, if this law passes, I’m getting [expletive] smashed.” Said Ann. “I’m so excited for this. I was seriously like a half-step away from sleeping with guys just to get alcohol. This just changed all that. Now I can save myself for the right guy…or at least wait until I’m so blasted I can’t remember a thing.”

Suge Knight Continues Faking Illnesses To Gain Sympathy, Get Jail Time Lowered

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

After Suge Knight collapsed in court on Tuesday, reports suggest that the rapper is to continue faking illness until he either receives a light sentence or total reprieve. Knight is on trial for armed robbery, as well as the more recent alleged murder of two rivals. If found guilty, he may spend the rest of his life behind bars, bringing to an end the career of a man who has been a continual threat to the safety of important players in the rap industry.

“Fainting was quite the move – I think he got that one from Oscar Pistorius,” said attorney, Theo Groenwalt. “Next, he’s going to do the puking, maybe pull out clumps of hair. Who knows? He might even expose himself to toxic levels of radiation and contract cancer. That would get him sympathy at least.”

Knight already spent 5 years in jail which ended in 2001, for an assault he committed with compatriot Tupac Shakur, shortly before Shakur’s still unsolved murder. Speculation further suggests that Knight may have had a role to play in the rap legend’s death. He was in the same car at the time of the fatal drive-by shooting.

“I’m glad he’s going to rot in prison,” said rap fan, Michael Trent. “I’m sure he killed 2Pac, and with him the heart and soul of the music industry. I can’t forgive him for that.”

But Knight is already well on his way to a reduced sentence. Associates say that it is unlikely that the badass rapper is really going to be felled by some minor illness, and that he must have a plan in place.

“My man Suge knows hot to deal,” said one friend. “He got a brilliant plan goin. Get publicity, get a court date, then get the fuck outta there.”

The office of the public prosecutor has, however, assured the public that Knight will not get off scot-free. They promised that the only way he gets let out because of illness, is if he dies from it. Then, they said, they’ll “be proved wrong. But we’re willing to take the chance.”

FCC Announces Closure; ‘People Don’t Need To Be Parented Anymore’

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Federal Communications Commission (FCC) today shocked the American public by announcing its official closure. The reason, the regulatory agency said, is that they feel people no longer need to be “parented”. By June 2015, all departments within the commission will be shut down, ending over 80 years of public service.

Speculators believe that controversy over their recent net neutrality ruling has led to discontent within the agency, and a drastic drop in their faith in the direction the USA may be taking.

“Let’s be honest, Americans need someone to look after them. Now more than ever,” said analyst Roger Reed. “That being said, who wants to be in that unenviable role. When private companies are trying to take over the internet, and it’s all the FCC can do to stop them, it gets pretty depressing.”

The FCC’s commitment to net neutrality comes in response to fears that wealthy corporations will be able to use the internet to push their own needs to the top of the agenda, compromising the freedom of expression and equal ability to share that the current age has started to offer. And, indeed, it does seem that members of the FCC are irked about the uber-rich’s hunger for power over it.

“Those greedy motherfuckers,” one member was overheard saying. “They want our money, they want our jobs, and now they want our internet. Can you imagine where Grumpy Cat would be without net neutrality? No money hungry corporation would come up with that sort of genius.”

However, the FCC are sticking to their guns, insisting that America simply doesn’t need them any more.

“People are doing fine,” an official statement read. “They no longer need to be protected from themselves. Let them do what they want with their so-called ‘communications’. Let them treat the internet as a big wankfest for the 1%. I, I mean we, don’t care. I mean, we care, but we no longer need to. And that is all. Goodnight everybody.”

Football Fan Certain That Referee Biased Against His Team

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

DENVER, Colorado –

Emerging live from our coverage of the game today, a football fan is certain that the referee is biased against the team he supports. He is sure that the current call, which just went against one of his favorite players, is wrong, and that the referee blatantly favored the opponents.

“It’s clear from the start that he’s a fan of them,” said the man, groaning at another call going against his team. “He’s from wherever their team is from. Probably. That’s why they’re winning – they paid the ref! Why else would they be winning?”

Despite statistics coming from the game showing that his team have had more calls in their favor than the opponents, the man is nonetheless convinced that that only shows half the picture.

“Yeah, he’s given a few minor decisions for us,” the man said, referring to the team he supports as if he is part of it. “But the important stuff – they get all of it. It’s not fair.”

In a surprise twist, our reporters have discovered a fan of the other team who believes the referee is biased against his team, and is proud to say that they’re winning in spite of it.

“As you say, the majority of his decisions have gone in the other team’s favor,” this fan said, referring to the above mentioned statistic. “Clearly he must come from wherever their team is from. It’s not fair, but we’re good enough to win anyway.”

This fan, who apparently is an expert on body language and facial expressions, as well as psychology and sociology, told us that the way the ref looks at the opponents is with a softer glare than at his team’s members. He also asserted that although he has just learned that the referee is not from his side of town, the home city’s support of a different team must have caused a “reverse psychology sorta thing”, and that the referee’s decisions prove him correct.

At press time, we’ve got the two fans in a room together, arguing it out with impeccable logic and calm rationale.

New MTV Show to Follow Future Teenage Drug Addicts

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

MTV have announced that they are in production of a groundbreaking new reality series, which will follow the early lives of future teen drug addicts. According to their statement, the show will begin its first run as early as January 2016, at which stage they will have footage of the protagonists’ sixth year of life, and will continue for at least nine seasons, at which stage the kids are expected to be full-fledged addicts.

“It’s more than just a reality show,” said producer Darren McArthur. “It’s a sociological experiment. We’ve selected kids from backgrounds which will clearly lead to a life of struggle with mental illness leading to addiction.”

There will be ten kids, consisting of five boys and five girls from poor socioeconomic circumstances, with parents who beat them and are already addicts themselves.

“We’re going to ensure that they go to schools with high levels of poverty and which are known to produce gangsters and drug dealers. That way, they won’t have a chance of coming out clean.”

The first season will feature footage of the children being beaten by inebriated parents, drinking alcohol left irresponsibly in accessible areas, and other things which will surely lead to them having few options in life.

“If any options open up to them, we’ll be sure to quell them. This show will only work if these kids go in the direction we see them following. It would not be fair to the other crew and cast members if one of the kids makes something of his or her life.”

We asked McArthur what he felt the series would bring to the lives of Americans, and if he could respond to potential moral objections.

“America needs to see the culture in which addiction is bred. Only then can we begin to stop the disease which is damaging our great nation. And if Americans can’t stomach the sight of kids being raised badly, they’re in the wrong country.”