American Public Decides Scientists are Idiots Regarding GMO Foods

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Over the past half-decade, there has been a growing debate regarding the quality and safety of GMO foods. There has been debate back and forth even within the scientific community regarding the use of GMO capabilities in produce. But more and more, scientists have become increasingly in favor of its use. The American public, however, seems to be turning on the lab-coated professionals.

“These fancy doctors come in with their degrees and charts and try to tell me what is good and not good to eat. Quite frankly it’s insulting,” said Wyatt Stanfield, a local advocate against GMO production. “If I don’t want to eat a mutant corn, than damnit, I shouldn’t have to eat a mutant corn. It’s my stomach, for crying out loud!”

In a recent study, 71 percent of scientists and doctors agreed that with proper regulation and caps on experimentation, GMO foods were wholly safe. In the same study, only 31 percent of ‘common citizens’ agreed. Another 51 percent felt that GMOs posed a legitimate threat to the health of individuals that ate them regularly.

“We all know what food is safe,” says Stanfield. “Food made by God and grown from the earth. That is what we’re intended to eat. Anything made by labs is sure to cause us trouble. I don’t know why they think they can play God with our food. We know it’s going to give us cancer, or mutate our genes or make us sterile. But they keep pretending it’s fine. They keep saying ‘Don’t worry, they can’t hurt you.’”

Says Dr. Daniel Roberts MD of the GMO foods, “Don’t worry, they can’t hurt you. GMO food has already been in use for some time, and I’m still not entirely sure why people are against it,” said Roberts. He continued by pointing to a banana left on a table nearby. “This fruit is a clone of a single banana that has been recreated over and over over decades. Have you ever seen a real banana? They are short, green, and have giant seeds. These things we have now aren’t even close to a real banana. They’re genetically modified, and I’m pretty sure it hasn’t killed anyone not allergic to it.”

When asked about the banana, Stanfield stood defiantly. “That banana was made by God, and no liberal elitist agenda is going to trick me into believing otherwise.”

Melissa McCarthy Says She’s ‘Spreading Her Acting Wings’ In Ghostbuster Reboot

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Melissa McCarthy says she is sick of playing the same role all the time. Now, she is ready to ‘spread her wings’ and take on a more challenging concept for the upcoming Ghostbusters reboot.

“I have been sitting uncomfortably in the same character for a long time,” the actress stated. “It’s time I come out of my shell, and show what I can really do.”

According to sources, McCarthy caused a stir when she told the producers of her decision to tackle a new dynamic in her acting prowess. Paul Feig, who is heading the project, had this to say about McCarthy’s decision.

“Obviously we hired her for a specific role type, and felt she was right for the character we had in mind. But, after she approached us about the character and her direction with it, we feel comfortable letting her expand the character.”

McCarthy, who came to fame for her roles in both TV and movies, said she wants to be more inspiring, both to herself and to others.

“I’ve just become so tired of playing the same shackled character. I think it’s time I really express myself, and stop playing such ‘between the lines’ kind of characters,” said McCarthy. “I want my new characters to be more brash, outspoken, and crass. No more having to try to figure out what my characters are all about. I’m tired of the subtly and unspoken dialogue I have to portrait. I’m going to make them sassy, bold, full-figured women. The meek characters are all over for me.”

When confused entertainment reporters asked McCarthy to expand on how she viewed her previous characters, she explained frankly, “Well, you know – you can only play the straight man for so long. Now it’s time for me to show my goofball side. I’m going to tickle the hell out of your funny bones in this one. Just wait! It’s going to be a side of me that you never thought you’d see.”

Seattle Coach Pete Carroll In ‘Depths of Depression’ Following Super Bowl Failure

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

SEATTLE, Washington –

Pete Carroll’s final play call at the end of Superbowl XLIX confused many in attendance, and viewers watching across the globe. Now, it appears that a sort of serious depression has taken control of the coach.

“I first want to apologize to the fans of Seattle,” said Carroll in his open letter. “But in the end, it doesn’t even really matter anyway. What does a hunk of metal and glass really mean anyway? It’s only a game. Only the biggest game. It’s nothing. We’re all nothing, right? Just specs in the universe. Who cares?”

With seconds remaining on the clock, the Seahawks flubbed an opportunity for a seemingly simple run by Marshan Lynch, instead opting for a quick pass that was intercepted by the Patriots. The play resulted in the Seahawks failing to capture their second title in as many years. Many have since questioned why Carroll made the call he did.

“To everyone who wants to spend all their time talking about the play, I say spend your time doing something better. I mean, who cares? This is football. People are starving all over the world. We should put more time and effort into that and less into football. Way less. It’s just a game. Nobody cares. This is all over. There’s always next year. There’s always next year…”

While many fans have shown disdain for the remarks, some close to Carroll have voiced concern, stating that on top of the loss, the weather in Seattle may be partially to blame for the coach’s current mood.

“I’ve never heard him talk like this before,” said wife Glena Coranson. “He is usually rather chipper, and turning on some music, like the Eagles or Peter Frampton will pick him right up. But the last couple days, all he wants to do is listen to Nirvana and Alice in Chains. I think he might have SAD.”

Psychiatrist and Mental Health Specialist, Dr. Ingrid Houffheim, who has not treated Carroll, said the recent letter from Carroll should not be taken lightly.

“Given the magnitude of his mistake, I’d say it is important to keep an eye on him,” Houffheim stated. “Even before the play happened, you could see Carroll did not have positive body language. His reaction is one of a sad acceptance. While I cannot diagnose a person without speaking with them first, I would not be surprised if Carroll drew up that play as a sort of self sabotage. If he didn’t though, then damn, what a stupid move!”

Carroll's Reaction — Carroll’s Reaction To the interception by the Patriots

Benedict Cumberbatch Eyed To Play Next James Bond; Fans Both Outraged, Thrilled

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

A document leaked by an employee at Eon Productions – the production company responsible for producing the James Bond film series – suggests that Oscar nominee Benedict Cumberbatch will succeed Daniel Craig as the iconic Secret Service agent.

Initial reaction from the public was incredulity, and even outrage. However, soon after the story hit news outlets, the internet began to concur that, actually, it kinda makes sense.

“The bizarrely named individual, recognized by his strong, high cheekbones and sharp chin, is an unlikely figure to make it big as an actor in the first place, but he totally kills in Sherlock,” Said IMDb message board user MovieDude6969. “Also, he played Khan in Star Trek Into Darkness, and who would’ve thought he’d pull that off? Hell, didn’t he play the voice of Smaug in The Hobbit series too?”

Another internet user, Federico Macheda, who says he is a big fan of James Bond, and is a purist when it comes to the literature, had a similar reaction.

“He doesn’t really fit in with the archetypal Bond figure, and that bothered me at first. But then I realized that, actually, he’s the perfect James Bond. He can be suave. He has plenty of action scenes in Sherlock – which he pulls off better even than Robert Downey, Jr did in his vapid attempts at playing the legendary sleuth. He’s even got that huge following of fans, the ‘Cumberbitches,’ so he’s clearly a hit with the ladies.”

Eon Productions have denied the reports, dismissing the idea as a hoax, and saying they “have never considered Benedict Cumberbatch for the role,” although an executive at the company, who wished to remain anonymous, did say “Although… now that you mention it… maybe we should give that a shot.”

Facebook users are expected to start up a petition to ensure that Cumberbatch gets the role, since everyone now agrees that it’s really got to happen. Everyone is encouraged to wait a few moments if they have any doubts about signing it, so that they have a chance to realize how awesome it’ll actually be.

Celebrities, Other Groups In Uproar Over ‘Game Of War’ Ads Starring Kate Upton

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The White Persons Movement, or WPM, is apparently very heated over a new commercial. Group President Peter Weinberg announced in his weekly press conference this morning that he has received a letter from group cabinet members stating that the ‘Game of War’ ads on the internet and television, which show off the busty, blonde, silky-skinned snowflake Kate Upton, are far ‘too sexy’ for men to handle, especially African-Americans.

“It is with love of our African-American brothers that we share our concern with the entire nation,” Weinberg said. “We here at the WAP are not racists, and we want to help our brown brethren. We know that most black men cannot resist the love of a busty white woman, and these ads go too far. Not to mention how mad their wives get when Upton’s breasts are dangerously close to exploding off television screens, computers and cell phones.”

Kim Kardashian-West has also spoke out against the advertisement recently. “I just think it is inappropriate, she has all her junk just poppin’ out. I mean really, like who does she think she is? She doesn’t even have a talent, does she?” Kardashian said . “It really pisses me off actually, everybody been talkin’ about her. I mean enough is enough, we are sick of you. A real woman doesn’t just put her stuff out there for the world to see.”

Even comedian Bill Cosby used the ads as material during a sold-out stand-up performance, “All I have to say is, Kate Upton! Now! Youuuu…seee…what I, as a black mannnnnn have to deal with? Bouncy, bouncy, Jello cups and Vanilla Puddin’ Pops! It is …ENOUGH…to drive a man to desperate measures! There is nothing as sexy as a good, healthy white woman!” Cosby explained with trademark silly faces.

Netflix CEO Announces Big Changes, Plans To Become Cable TV Provider

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS GATOS, California –

Netflix co-founder and CEO Rod Houston announced today that the on-demand streaming media giant has developed a new way of offering cable services to millions of Americans, which includes HBO, Showtime, The Movie Channel, all sports networks, including NFL Sunday Ticket and NBA Season Pass, among others for the unbelievably low price of $16.99 a month.

“Basically, we will have guys running around hooking up cable illegally, from house to house, and we’ll be the middle-man for content. But, I mean, if everyone is happy, is it a crime?” Houston said. “Aren’t you tired of switching back and forth between cable providers? Burnt out on the selections provided through Netflix streaming? Of course you are. Our selection is mediocre at best. Do you need more? Of course you do! I am pleased to announce that we have started our venture of becoming the only cable provider in the country, giving us control over everything! Well, that’s the idea anyway, not sure how we are going to do it, but it is a good idea.”

The confused reporters sitting in on the announcement apparently assumed the CEO had lost his mind, before he went on to explain why he’d really brought them all there, as the witty and clever Netflix lead-man went on to admit that he was joking about the whole thing.

“Ha! I got you guys again! I called this press conference strictly for the purpose of reminding each and everyone of you that the complete Friends series is now on Netflix, and what else do you need in your life but those goofy, nerdy, kinda-funny-but-the-show-was-pretty-much-shit Friends cast?!” Houston rambled. “Also, don’t worry, we are working diligently to close a deal to bring in the Muppet Show. It is a glorious time to be a Netflix subscriber!”

Irked reporters and spectators immediately cancelled their Netflix subscriptions, and switched to Hulu.

White Castle To Add ‘Gas-Free’ Sliders To Menu, Removes Onions From Burgers To Protect Ozone Layer

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

The Obama Administration recently issued a statement saying that White Castle, a fast food restaurant famous for their gas-festering slider hamburgers, and deal sealer onion rings, is just as harmful to the Ozone Layer as retro muscle cars and Harley-Davidson motorcycles combined. That press release, issued by Josh Earnest, began to push the 93-year-old burger franchise into exploring alternatives to replace the gastrointestinal fuels in their otherwise healthy foods.

Yesterday, CEO E.W. Ingram announced that major menu changes would occur this summer. “Without affecting or changing the taste of our classic Sliders, food scientists have discovered new methods of using manufactured, chemically engineered ingredients so that our burgers will no longer give consumers Ozone Layer harmful gas,” he said.

“One other big menu change consists of removing all onions from the menu completely, to make sure we please all environmentalists. In place of onion rings, the company has voted to include fresh vegetables such as broccoli and asparagus,” Ingram revealed.

A widely unpopular adjustement according to weekend drunkards and pot smokers, such as Ohio State University English literature major Omar Chonga. “Man, I just don’t get it, I mean, man. It’s just not cool,” Chonga stated. “They’re messing with the best burgers around. Well, best when you’re too messed up to actually taste anything.”

One thing Ingram was pleased to mention was that White Castle would now officially be the most healthy fast food chain in the country, according to The Bakersfield Post Gaxette. “It is a new era, live long and prosper!” Ingram shouted from the oak podium, which included a shiny chrome “WC” logo.

Liam Neeson To Co-Star With Denzel Washington In ‘Pulp Fiction’ Remake Directed By Martin Scorsese

Posted on February 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

UNIVERSAL CITY, California –

Ronald Meyer, COO of Universal Pictures, announced yesterday that silver screen tough guys Liam Neeson and Denzel Washington have both signed on for the highly anticipated remake of Pulp Fiction, to be directed by the legendary Martin Scorsese.

“I am extremely excited to finally make the news official. The idea, actually pitch by original director Quentin Tarantino, was sort of a joke turned into a stroke of mad genius,” Meyer said. “Quentin called me one day after we had been out for drinks, and said ‘I was joking when I said it, but imagine, Scorsese, Liam Neeson and Denzel, it’d be freaking gold!’ he shouted through the phone. Together we sort of manifested this beast of an idea, and low and behold, they all loved it and wanted to do it.”

Tarantino, who will act as an Executive Producer, was held responsible for calling and recruiting Neeson. “It was nerve- wracking, calling Liam. He is always interesting, though. So I called the guy, and he sounded pissed, a scary calm, but super angry kind of voice, ya know? He said ‘Look, you little freak, I don’t want to be in your little movie. I will never play opposite Denzel Washington. In fact, if you call here again, I will find you, and I will kill you.’ I sat there silent, debating whether or not to hang up the phone for like 30 seconds, trembling, and then he burst out laughing. “Gotcha good, Quentin! Hell yes, I would love to do it!’ I was like a little kid in a candy store after that,” Tarantino said. “My job is done, so now I can sit back and enjoy the ride.”

The remaining casting has not been completed according to Meyer. “We are probably looking at winter of 2016 mega-release. It will be huge,” he said.

Mike Tyson Says Budweiser’s ‘Lost Puppy’ Commercial Made Him Cry, Adopted Dog Next Day

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BROOKLYN, New York –

Once considered the meanest, baddest, and most powerful man on the planet, former undisputed heavyweight champion of the world as a professional boxer, Mike Tyson, in recent years has not been afraid of showing his emotional side. The previous statement was proven 100% true when the former knock-out artist told shock-jock Howard Stern that the Budweiser “Lost Puppy” commercial that aired during Super Bowl 49 made him cry, and for quite a while.

“Man, you know so I’m chillin, hangin with my boys and all that, life is good, ya know, hangin’ out, watchin the Super Bowl, eating those little hot dogs, and that puppy commercial comes on. Ya know man…I got so caught up in it, I could not stand it. Here it is this little sweet, innocent, lost puppy ya know, and I’m like man,” Tyson said.

Howard Stern, laughing, asked the former champ if his eyes got welled up with tears. “Man, don’t laugh Howard, but I was all like caught up, thinkin’ ‘is he gonna be okay? Will they ever find him?'” Tyson said, reliving the moment. “I could relate ya know as a boy I was…I was a damn mess. I was lost. So then the big horses busted loose and save him from the wilder-beast. Well whatever the hell that thing was..some kinda werewolf, I don’t know, whatever, you know, Howard?”

Tyson says that he was so moved by the commercial, that he went and adopted a dog the following morning.

“I started cryin’ and shit, and I had to leave the room. I went out on the roof to feed my pigeons, I cried for at least twenty minutes over that puppy, I mean damn we tryin to hang and Mike’s cryin over a puppy commercial? Can’t have the crew seein’ that ya know?” the charismatic Tyson stated. “Anyway..puppy made me cry man. So ya know what? I went and rescued a lil’ guy the next day to honor the puppy from the commercial. I named him ‘D-OG’. It felt good ya know?”

Statue Of Liberty Stolen, NYPD Blame French Terrorists

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

The Statue Of Liberty was reported stolen by security guards early this morning after they watched helplessly as a choreographed fleet of stealthily painted, unmarked apache helicopters lifted Miss Liberty from her base at Liberty Island and carried her away. New York Police Department Commissioner Bill Bratton believes theft was “an act of terrorism” by France.

The incident occurred at approximately 4:30 am this morning. Security officer Bobby Grazia told reporters that he and the three other guards on duty, who work third shift, were eating hoagies for lunch when the event occurred.

“Me and the guys were eating lunch from a joint called Luigi’s, which was great by the way. They pack that meat in there so good, it’s like heaven. My father has been taking me there to eat since I’m two years old. Yo, anyway, yeah a whole flock of choppers just swooped right in and hauled her away. The lady, I mean, not my sub. We shined our flashlights at them and were yelling at them to get them to stop, I guess they didn’t hear us,” Grazia said.

Police Commissioner Bratton is not taking the news lightly. “It’s not anything we can’t get over, but it’s the point ya know? They stole our girl from us. France is responsible, I am sure of it, everybody knows France is a country of arrogant, pompous Indian givers. If we can’t get her back, we will rebuild better and stronger than ever. After all, that’s what we do here in this great city.