Woman Accidentally Bites Boyfriend’s Penis Off In Movie Theater

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

Woman Accidently Bites Boyfriends Penis Off In Movie Theater — The exterior of the General Cinema theater in Indianapolis, where a man recently had his penis accidentally bitten off

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

In a wildly bizarre freak accident in an Indianapolis General Cinema movie theater, a man has found himself without a penis. Juanita Hatfield, 21, accidentally bit off her boyfriends penis during a showing of the film Penguins of Madagascar.

The man, 48-year-old Lester Drubbins of Nobelsville, Indiana, was rushed to St. Vincent Indianapolis Hospital by EMS, and remains in critical but stable condition.

Chauncey Lewis and his girlfriend, Monique Johnson, had accompanied Hatfield and Drubbins as part of a double-date, and witnessed the accident.

“I can’t stop thinking about it, I can’t get his screams out of my head,” said Lewis, 43. “We were fooling around, you know, and they were fooling around, too. You know how couples do things when they go out to the movies. Anyway, next thing I know, Les jumps up screaming, and he’s holding his private area. It was then I noticed Juanita spit something out into her hand and then she began screaming, too, when she realized what had happened.”

Lewis also said the two had been fighting before they all went out to the movies, but had made up.

“It crossed my mind that she might have done it on purpose, but that is probably just because I was in shock. They made up and were kissing and fondling before we ever went in. I even joked to Les about dating a woman so much younger than he was. I said ‘Keep messing with these young chicks and your dick’s gonna fall off!’ So coincidental that it really happened about an hour later. Poor fella.”

When emergency personnel questioned Hatfield about the incident, she explained there was a really loud noise in the movie and it scared her, causing an involuntary reaction of biting down as hard as she could on Drubbins’ penis.

Doctors unsuccessfully attempted to re-attach the penis. Despite being the only people in the theatre aside from their friends, the couple do face charges of indecent exposure and possibly even corrupting the morals of a child, due to the general nature of the film.

Boxer Muhammad Ali, 72, Loses A Fight With Pneumonia

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PARADISE VALLEY, Arizona –

World-famous champion boxer Muhammad Ali has reportedly been dealt a knockout blow by a case of Pneumonia. The former heavyweight, 72, was taken to an undisclosed hospital after private doctors in his home where unable to properly treat him for the fluid in his lungs.

“Ali is a hell of a fighter. One day he was floating around like a butterfly, and the next, it was stinging when he’d breathe,” said Ali’s doctor Charles DeMar. “We tried the normal care of a severe flu and pneumonia, rest and antibiotics, but we just couldn’t take care of him well enough in his home. He’s a tough old bastard, though. Hell, instead of being driven in an ambulance, he actually walked the 8 miles to the hospital.”

Doctors say that Ali’s case of pneumonia was caught very early, and that he should be fine in just a couple of days.

“Pneumonia was kicking his ass, at first, and in all honesty, he did lose that first fight when he ended up in the hospital,” said a family friend. “It KO’d him for sure. But Ali, he can go plenty more rounds, even at his age. He’s going to get back in that ring against his poor health, and he’ll knock that pneumonia right the hell out…of his lungs, that is! Doctors say he should be on his way home in no time. He’s an inspiration to everyone, everywhere.”

Ali, who has suffered from Parkinson’s syndrome since his diagnosis in 1984, retired from boxing in 1979, and had his last official fight in December of 1981.

Online Debate Over Kentucky College Basketball Programs Causes Man To Murder Friend

Posted on December 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Jason Hargrove, 28, of Louisville, Kentucky has been charged in the shooting death of his best friend, 29-year-old Michael Jenkins, also of Louisville, after the two got into an argument over which school has the superior men’s college basketball program, the University of Kentucky or the University of Louisville.

Apparently the shooting was not over the actual teams, though, but over annoyance at Jenkins’ use of bad grammar during their Facebook chat.

According to Michelle Baker, girlfriend of the accused Hargrove, the argument started when Hargrove, a Louisville Cardinals sports fan, and Jenkins, a loyal University of Kentucky fan, began chatting on Facebook about which of the two teams would win the NCAA men’s basketball tournament this season.

Baker told Louisville Metro Police Department detectives that the conversation had been going on for over an hour, when Hargrove abruptly smashed a full bottle of beer over his computer, and began yelling wildly, which startled her while in another room. Baker says when she entered the room to ask what was wrong, Hargrove was ‘going wild.’

“Jason said to me, [Jenkins] is a stupid, worthless, piece of shit UK fan! I’m sick of reading his nonsensical dribble! I don’t even know how we have been friends for so long! When a guy doesn’t even know the difference between their, there, and they’re, then that illiterate son of a bitch should be killed!” Baker said in her statement to police.

According to a LMPD spokesperson, the two began to make threats against one another, at which point Hargrove loaded his gun and walked next door, where Jenkins lived, and shot him at a point-blank range four times. He then took a red Sharpie marker and wrote, ‘Go Cards!’ on the dying mans forehead. No one else was in Jenkins’ trailer at the time.

Both University of Kentucky head coach, John Calipari, and University of Louisville coach, Rick Pitino, were asked about the incident, and both coaches commented on how the fans take the rivalry way too seriously.

“Coaching college basketball is my career, it is all I know and I can still sleep at night knowing it is just a game,” Pitino said. “College basketball fans in the state of Kentucky get ridiculous. I wish I could say this shocks me but it absolutely does not. Things like this are another reason I think social media is senseless – the world is full of idiots, they say things they don’t mean or have any knowledge about, and besides that, you can’t believe anything you read on the internet.”

“The fans around here are crazy. I’m sure the guy will claim temporary insanity, and it will probably hold up in court because people in this state are all insane during basketball season,” Calipari said. “That’s the reason why our program puts so much effort into funding the basketball program, and we go after the best players money can buy. Our lives may very well depend on it.”

‘Thanks, Obama!’: Gas Prices Predicted To Drop Below $1.00 Per Gallon By Spring

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

HOUSTON, Texas –

Gas prices have dropped significantly throughout the United States over the last couple of months, thanks to more crude oil production in the U.S., lowering the price of to $60 a barrel, a trend National Energy Technologies CEO Robert McDaniel says will continue.

“The United States has officially become the world leader in oil production. I have every reason to believe, as should all American citizens, that gas and oil prices will continue to drop drastically. It is my educated and professional opinion that we could see gas prices drop to, or even below, $1.00 a gallon by late spring of 2015,” McDaniel told WEMP reporter Becky Hollensdale.

President Barrack Obama has also chimed in on the welcoming news, stating that his work is finally seeing results that all Americans are benefiting from.

“My administration has done a great deal of superb work that has previously gone unrecognized over the years. It is about time we are able to show the American people the love they so very well deserve.” President Obama said in his morning briefing. “Without me, this would have never happened. Does anybody even remember the last time gas prices dropped below $2.00 a gallon? How about less than $1.00 a gallon? I know my recollection is a bit fuzzy, because it was the 70s, and I was high as a kite somewhere, not caring about gas prices.”

While the Obama administration seems to be taking full credit for the drop of gas and oil prices, others claim that simply is not the case. Chairman of the United States Energy Resource Committee, Bill Farrell, says that it is the result of more digging and uprooting of forestry in the U.S., and that it has nothing to do with President Obama.

“Of course the President is going to take all the credit, as that is the one thing that all Presidents and government officials care about the most,” said Farrell. “The real reason prices have dropped, and American production has increased, is that the tree-hugging hippies and commies are fighting less and less to protect nature. Their ambivalence has allowed us to drill in more locations, uproot more trees, and get to the damn oil. I mean oil and gas makes the world go ’round. Who really gives a rat’s fart about the trees?”

At least ten states across the U.S. are already reporting gas prices under $2.00 a gallon, and most others can expect to see these prices soon as well.

“I’d just like to say that for quite a long while, I have seen many people across the internet say ‘Thanks, Obama!’ to things that I don’t feel I had any part in,” said the President. “But for lowering gas prices, I’d just like to wholeheartedly say to everyone – ‘You’re Welcome!'”

Super Bowl 49 Gets Major Venue Change Due To Failure Of Congressional Lawmakers

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The setting for the 2015 Super Bowl was supposed to be Arizona, at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, but today it was announced that the ‘big game’ would be getting a drastic change in venue. According to league spokesman Dale Gerard, the next Super Bowl is being moved to Belfast, Ireland.

“Unfortunately, because of terrorist threats around the globe, we have made the drastic decision to move the Super Bowl out of Arizona and, indeed, outside the United States entirely,” said Gerard. “The TRIA has got us in a pinch, and we needed to act fast, just in case.”

The TRIA, or the Terrorism Risk Insurance Act, was signed into law in 2002 in the aftermath of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Basically, it established a partnership between the US government and the insurance industry that made terrorism insurance widely available to U.S. businesses, including organizers of major sporting events such as the NFL. Without federal support, most insurers would be unwilling to offer coverage. The current TRIA deal is set to expire on Dec. 31, 2014, and Congress is nearing the deadline too quickly for Super Bowl organizers to take any chances.

“We have partnered, instead, with a private company that assures us that they will underwrite the NFL completely in case of terrorist attack during the Super Bowl. That company’s only caveat was that we have it in their country, and that is Ireland.”

This will be the first time in 50 years of the event that the Super Bowl will not be held inside the United States. Unfortunately for people who had already spent big money on tickets to the game, event organizers say that those tickets will not be valid in Belfast.

“We regretfully have to re-sell new tickets at the new venue,” said Gerard. “Anyone who purchased tickets to the Super Bowl, expecting it to be in Arizona, will have to re-purchase tickets for the event in Ireland. We are sure that anyone who could afford the outrageous price for Super Bowl tickets in the first place will also have no problem buying another set, as well as airfare and hotel stays in Ireland. We hope to see everyone there, and thank you for supporting the NFL!”

Televangelist T.D. Jakes Wants ‘Peppa Pig’ Cartoon Taken Off Air, Claims Show Contains Racist Subliminal Messages

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

Superstar television evangelist T.D. Jakes is in the news this morning, after ranting about a popular children’s cartoon during a radio interview on WGOD AM, a non-profit, non-denominational based radio program which airs throughout the state of Texas.

Jakes, who is Bishop of The Potter’s House, the famous mega-church located in Dallas, claims that the animated children’s program Peppa Pig contains several unethical subconscious messages, most notably of sexual and racist content.

“We live together in a loving world, and sometimes that gets taken advantage of in an evil manner,” Jakes said. “Recently it was brought to my attention by a nice young lady in our congregation that while watching the cartoon program Peppa Pig, she noticed several suspicious, and very adult, references. When I sat down with her to watch an episode, I was overwhelmingly appalled to learn that her suspicions were, in fact, reality.”

The 57-year-old Man of God went on to explain that the characters featured on Peppa Pig highly resembled penises, and that characters were often gallivanting and making racist comments.

“They snort and laugh at the other animals, making fun of anyone who is not a pig. Plus, all the pig faces are drawn to look like penises and testicles. In the episode I watched, they told the rabbit and the turtle to ‘sit in the back of the bus’ as they snorted and giggled,” Jakes said. “It’s really inappropriate for young children. They even make reference to ‘muddy puddles,’ which is definitely a slang for African-Americans if I’ve ever heard one. Despicable!”

This is not the first time Peppa Pig has been called out for being racist. Members of the Muslim communities in the United Kingdom, where the show is recorded and produced, signed a petition in recent months claiming the show was clearly anti-Muslim and promoted the gross consumption of pork.

Empire News attempted to contact Jakes to no avail, but Nickelodeon officials did return an email saying there was absolutely no truth behind the claims of racism or sexual innuendo, and that the popular children’s program would continue to be aired in heavy rotation.

Peppa Pig, as most parents of toddlers are no doubt aware, currently airs at least 167 times daily, on networks such as Nickelodeon and Nick Jr. in the United States, and several others internationally.

13-Year-Old Boy Arrested In Connection With Sony Hacking Crime

Posted on December 20, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WATERVILLE, Maine –

What is believed to be the most vicious cyber attack in history, and has been blamed on everyone from North Korea to Russian hackers, is now being directly linked to a 13-year-old boy from small town Waterville, Maine.

Many believed that North Korea and supreme leader Kim Jong-un were responsible for the massive hack against Sony Entertainment because of the Seth Rogen comedy film The Interview, a movie about the successful assassination of Jong-un. Even President Obama issued an official statement, denouncing Sony’s decision to give into threats and pull the film from its Christmas Day opening.

The teenager, whose identity is not yet being released due to his age, but uses the online handle ‘Cereal Killer,’ confessed to the crime in an email sent to federal investigators.

“Basically, he sent in emails confessing to the crime, and blamed it all on the fact that all his friends had gotten Playstation 4 consoles, and he was stuck with the old XBox 360. He felt abandoned, and like he had no friends left in the world,” FBI spokesperson Gerald Carmichael told the Associated Press. “So he wanted to ‘make Sony pay.’ Curiously, Sony Entertainment, as in the films, and Sony’s video game division, are two completely separate entities.”

“It’s just what I could get into, you know?” said the wayward teen in his emails. “I tried to break into the game division computers first. I thought I could maybe steal some unfinished games and release them online. But that one was too hard. Instead, I got into the movie studio computers, and got to watch Annie before it came out. The movie really, really sucked, by the way.”

“The boy is clearly a genius when it comes to electronics and the computer language in this technology age,” said Charmichael. “It reminds me of the movie War Games a little bit, that one from the 80s with Matthew Broderick. Here is this boy savant, who is just amazing at computers. It is really unbelievable that a young child could possess so much dangerous knowledge. Hell, I couldn’t do what he did, and I’ve been studying computers for ages.”

While the crime is being thoroughly investigated, the teen will be kept in the custody of the FBI. Carmichael declined to discuss what charges or any possible punishments the boy is facing.

Cowboys RB DeMarco Murray Has Hand Amputated During Surgery To Repair Broken Finger

Posted on December 19, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Just a few short days ago on December 17th, DeMarco Murray entered a Dallas hospital to have a routine surgery on his ring finger, which was broken during a winning game against the Philadelphia Eagles in week 15. What should have been an easy fix that had Murray back on the field, possibly within days, has become a the player’s worst nightmare, and has left him incapable of ever playing again.

According to reports from Sports News Nightly, Murray’s surgeons accidentally mixed up his charts with that of another patient at the hospital, and when Murray was brought into the operating room, doctors amputated his entire right hand.

“This is extremely, extremely tragic,” said the Dean of Medicine for Dallas Memorial Hospital, Mark Houston. “DeMarco Murray was admitted to our hospital for a routine surgery that would set and fix his broken finger. Unfortunately, during admittance, his medical charts were mixed with those of another gentleman, who was also admitted at that time, and was having his hand amputated. We are truly, truly sorry for the mix-up. That is all I can say at this point, pending possible legal issues.”

Dallas spokesman Greg Turf said that Murray and the team were completely heartbroken.

“You know, it’s all just part of life’s plan, I guess,” said Murray, with a smile. “How can you really be mad? So I’ll never play again. So I’ll never go long for a pass again. What can you do, you know? Sure, I could take the hospital for everything they’re worth, but it’s only money, right? It’s all just another step towards the inevitable, anyway.” Doctors say that Murray is on extreme amounts of morphine, and that the drug often times creates a feeling of euphoria.

In a bizarre twist, the patient who was scheduled to have the amputation had his finger worked on by surgeons, and a blood clot that had been causing extreme pain in his hand – and, in fact, was the reason for the original need for the amputation – was cured completely.

Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo Reveals Shocking Strange Addictions, Pre-Game Superstitions

Posted on December 19, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

Star NFL quarterback Tony Romo recently revealed some deep, dark secrets during a radio interview on the Jay Mohr Show, when on the topic of superstitions and pre-game rituals was brought up by the host.

When asked about his strange pre-game preparations and superstitions, Romo, 34, told Mohr that he goes through a regimen every game day and has kept the routine secret all his life, until now.

“This is really embarrassing. I’ve never told anyone this before, but – Well, the first thing I do when I wake up on a game day [at home] is throw a dozen raw eggs against the wall outside on my patio,” said Romo. “I’m serious, it feels great to do. Then I sit with a glass of orange juice, and watch as my housekeepers clean up the egg mess. I do feel bad about that part, but they make a great salary, and they’re used to it by now.”

Professional athletes have been doing strange things since the dawn of sports when it comes to pre-game superstitions. Michael Jordan recently told Sports Illustrated writer Carmine Sheckles that he urinated on a brand new pair of his shoes, which he would later go on to wear in that night’s game. In another oddball pre-game superstition ritual, former New Orleans Saints and Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams told Sports News Daily that he use to lick the carpet at home, or whatever hotel he was staying at, before walking out the door on the way to a game.

“I know it sounds weird, but maybe me coming out about my weird behaviors will help others who to know they are not alone in their weird behaviors,” continued Romo, taking a deep breath before speaking again. “Ok. So, the other thing is – well, every day since I was 5 or 6 years old, I have chewed on a Barbie doll while taking a shower. Something about the texture, or the type of plastic they use, I’m very addicted to. I keep them until they’re falling apart, then I throw the doll away and get a new one. God, it feels good to finally say that out loud.”

“It took a lot of guts to say what he said when he was on my show,” said Mohr, speaking of the interview the following day. “I estimate that the sales of Barbie dolls and eggs are going to go up dramatically among teens and young adults who want to be like their idol.”

Cable channel TLC has reportedly reached out to Romo in a request to appear on their documentary-series My Strange Addiction.

Woman Costs Grocery Store Chain Over Half A Million Dollars – You’ll Never Guess How

Posted on December 19, 2014 by mike the inkman

CINCO RANCH, Texas –

For years, retail stores have used coupons as a mostly successful means of attracting customers to their stores. Usually, additional purchases will offset any possible loss, and it works out for the best. This was simply not the case, however, for the Kroger stores that were recently shopped by Madeline Huffman, an extreme couponer from Cinco Ranch, Texas. Jack Destin, Kroger’s Regional Manager, estimates that Ms. Huffman has cost the store upwards of a half million dollars in the past year.

“Coupons are designed to lose money. That’s just how they work,” said Destin in a phone interview. “Normally the cost is offset. People come in, buy things using coupons, but they buy lots of other things, too, and no customer walks out actually costing us money. But Ms. Huffman is different. She was finding every coupon she could get her hands on, doubling them up, bringing in price matches, getting the maximum allotment of every item that she could. She was using the coupons in a way that allowed her to buy from our stores for less than our cost for those items. She then created a resale market both locally, and on the internet. She found a loophole in the system, and she used it to strangle our profits. People like her are a bane on the free market. Needless to say, we will drastically changing our coupon policy here at Kroger. And you all have Ms. Huffman to blame.”

Madeline Huffman isn’t concerned. “Kroger is just one fish in the pond. He didn’t have to be so rude though,” She said in response to Mr. Destin’s comments. “You see, I don’t feel bad at all. These big chains put these deals out there thinking that society is too fast paced or too stupid for someone to take advantage. This time they got burned. But it was them that started the fire. Kroger actually threatened a lawsuit against me. I laughed and told them to go ahead, so I could take some more of their money. You can’t stick your dinghy in a light socket and sue the electric company when you get electrocuted.” She chuckled. “Sounds like they won’t be putting it in the light socket anymore.”