Michelle Obama Announces Presidential Run in 2016

Posted on December 4, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Hot on the heels of an announcement from former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, First Lady Michelle Obama today launched an exploratory committee to consider a Democratic presidential campaign in 2016. This first step could fill the field with women candidates, including Hillary Clinton and ultra-liberal Elizabeth Warren.

“After talking to Barack and the girls, I feel running for President is the right thing to do,” said Michelle Obama. “My years in the White House have given me insight on how the government works. While Hillary would play centrist, and Ms. Warren plays far left, plus Sarah Palin, who barely can play at all, I will split the middle, perfect playing both sides.”

When asked whether or not she would simply follow her husband’s path and policies if elected, Michelle Obama answered that she appreciated what he has done for the country, and that he would be a ‘great advisor’ to her.

“Years of watching my husband have taught me the secret of being a great politician: agree with everybody, then do what you want afterwards. Barack got as far as he did by calling those who didn’t agree with his policies a racist, so think how far I can get calling them a racist and a sexist. My slogan will be ‘Let’s Finish Transforming America,’ because Barack didn’t have time to complete our vision for the country. A vote for me will get the job done right. No more privately owned business, no more free press, no more individual landowners, no more guns, no more freedom of speech, and no more God, unless his name is Muhammad.”

“With me as First Man helping her out, there’s no reason why we won’t finish the job I started,” said President Obama. “Plus that’s at least four more years of using Air Force One to get to my golf outings, which would be nice.”

“ Huh, she said what?” Senator Ted Cruz,” How do you like me now America, I’m suddenly the sane one. Vote for me and I’ll give you more business, more guns, more God and more freedom.”

Pharmaceutical Companies Partner With Big-Tobacco, Create E-Cigarette To Treat Depression

Posted on December 4, 2014 by Angela Baker

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It appears Big-Pharma has gotten into bed with Big-Tobacco, as plans emerge for a new line of prescription only, non-nicotine e-cigarettes. Instead of popping Prozac pills with their morning coffee, depression and anxiety sufferers may be able to choose an antidepressant that works like an e-cigarette.

Denise Richards, of the manufacturer E-Relax, explains the benefits. “The water vapor delivery system helps satisfy oral-fixation, while delivering low doses of medicine that you can control. Stressful meeting at work? Puff some relief at your desk,” she said. “Both our companies are big supporters of the Health Care Act. Americans are unhappy, but now they’re insured!”

When asked why their prescription drug company would partner with a tobacco company, she replied, “Well, they’ve been pushing legal drugs forever now. They know how to acquire a loyal lifelong customer.”

A representative for Phillip-Morris, the largest manufacturer of tobacco products, said that things are taking a turn for the worse in the world of cigarettes, and that they needed to be prepared.

“As a company, we have to face the fact that tobacco is going to be illegal someday. They’re legalizing weed in all these states all the time, and our lousy tobacco cigarettes can’t hold a candle to smoking a marijuana cigarette,” said Jim Rogers, cigarette lobbyist. “People are switching in droves. Obviously, our brand is dying. We can’t advertise on TV or radio anymore. Next will be magazines, I’m sure. Hell, We can’t even sell to children anymore!”

“Plus, we were never able to get into the safe cigarette market, since making a ‘safe alternative’ would be admitting cigarettes were harmful,” said Peter Jacobs, a health expert working for Phillip-Morris. “We had to protect our own asses. We once tried making a nicotine-free version of a cigarette, but seriously, that’s like decaf coffee – people will still drink it, but why’s the point?”

“Slinging antidepressants will allow us to break into that juicy, angsty-teen market,” explained Rogers. “Now they can look cool while taking their medicine. We eventually hope to expand the line to include ADHD medication, which we know would make us a boatload of cash with the kids.”

79-year-old Myles Martin says, “I love the idea. I used to be a smoker, and I miss it sometimes. I need my depression meds, but now I can just smoke it, and relive my glory days. I hope they make it for my E.D., next. There’s nothin’ sexy about poppin’ my little blue pill in the same manner as my blood thinner, but every woman will be turned on if I’m taking puffs off an e-cig.”

Urban Outfitters Stores Begins Carrying T-Shirts Branded With ISIS Terrorist Group Logo

Posted on December 4, 2014 by Abe Abrams

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

Urban Outfitters, know for its hipster, bohemian, and bizarre merchandise has created controversy once again, this time partnering with ISIS to sell military style shirts with the ISIS logo. The shirts are in stores now and sales have been surprisingly positive.

”We are proud to be partnered with ISIS. I support ISIS’ decision to earn money for their cause legally, although we can’t raise them more money than their illegal oil sales, illegal collection of taxes, or even their kidnapping campaigns have, starting a clothing line is a good start towards redemption, in my book,” said Richard Hayes, founder of Urban Outfitters. “I would like to add that we don’t necessarily support all of ISIS’ endeavors, but we do support them in reaching their goals and following their dreams.

Hayes said that just because the militant, terrorist group has a dark past, and a dark present, doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t look forward to a bright future.

“Here at Urban Outfitters, we have always prided ourselves to bring the public a compelling and distinct way to prove they are a little cooler and a little different from everybody else,” said Hayes. “With my help, I hope to see the ISIS brand on everything from refrigerator magnets to jeans, because if it’s cool and edgy, it belongs in Urban Outfitters.”

“I don’t see the big deal, it’s a cool shirt and that logo is off the hook,” said 15-year-old Urban Outfitters shopper, Jason Swarr. ”The logo has guns on it and stuff, and that’s badass. I don’t really know what ISIS is, but if Outfitters sells it, it’s gotta be cool, and I don’t want to be the only kid not supporting ISIS. The key to fitting in is to liking what everybody else likes, that’s why I shop at Urban Outfitters and that’s why I pledge my support to ISIS and their cool logo.”

Ray Rice Signs With Denver Broncos, Expected To Play As Soon As Contract Finalized

Posted on December 3, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

DENVER, Colorado –

Recently reinstated by the NFL after being indefinitely suspended for most of the season, Ray Rice has signed with the Denver Broncos and is expected to play immediately following finalization of the pending contract offer.

Head coach John Fox told the press earlier in a brief press conference that the team is excited, and that after seeing Rice run drills to perfection that he has every intention of using the troubled running back immediately.

“He looked fantastic is all the drills he ran. We put him in full gear and had him run some plays against our defense, and I tell ya what – he punched them right in the mouth, just knocked them out during every play. This guy is just raging, he wants on the field badly,” Fox said.

When asked about the controversy surrounding Rice, Fox said that he was ‘barely aware’ of the situation. “Look, he paid the price, I guess. Everybody deserves a second chance, and by God, you better believe we had every intention of taking advantage of the situation. Personally, I don’t care who he did or didn’t punch in the face, because he did it in the past. It is all about the future now. Hopefully his future doesn’t involve any more hits, at least off the field.”

Several NFL teams appeared publicly to be shunning the running back, but according to Rice’s agent, Robert Combs, that was not the case.

“Teams were working him out, but all in secret, because what team wants to deal with the backlash while not being sure if he would even be a part of their team in the end? Basically every team Ray worked out for, and several he didn’t, wanted to make a deal. We came to the undeniable conclusion that Denver was the best place to have a likely chance to win. It wasn’t all about money, he wanted to go some place he would feel accepted and that is highly respected,” Combs told the Associated Press. “I’m just glad that in the NFL it doesn’t matter if you run a dog fighting ring, drive drunk and kill someone, or savagely beat the shit out of your significant other, in the end, the fans and the league will forgive you – as long as you can play the game.”

Details of the pending contract offer have not been released, but Combs said that it is ‘done deal’ and that the legalities and paperwork just need to be finalized.

World Famous Rockefeller Christmas Tree In NYC Turns Out To Be Artificial

Posted on December 3, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The world-famous Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, which draws millions of tourists to New York City each year and has been featured in countless holiday films over several decades, has turned out to be a literal big phony.

Suspicions arose when the tree’s installation this year took place under the cover of darkness, with no advance public announcement. The installation of the tree is a tradition observed since the early 1930s, rivaled only by the tree’s official lighting ceremony.

Rockefeller Center officials reluctantly revealed the ruse when rumors were confirmed that the upstate New York family who donated this year’s tree had a change of heart, and decided not to cut down the 85 foot tall Norway Spruce.

“My grandfather planted that tree almost 90 years ago,” said Bruce Connor, the tree’s current owner. “He loved Christmas and after we made the decision, we couldn’t sleep,” he said. “My wife was a wreck just thinking about the tree not being there anymore.”

There was no ‘backup’ tree considered, since the honor of having one’s tree become the centerpiece of a worldwide celebration has never before been rejected. “I hope people understand, said Connor. I hope the world understands.”

Initial reaction from tourists in New York City was subdued. “I don’t care if the tree is artificial or not,” said Alice Thomas, visiting with her family from Chicago. “We came here to take in the sights, ice skate at the rink, and do some shopping. I think it looks fine, and let’s face it – who likes sweeping up all those needles? I sure wouldn’t. It’s still beautiful.”

Environmental groups praised the action, calling it a step in the right direction toward conservation. A statement released by animal rights group PETA also endorsed Rockefeller Center’s move. In part it read, “The natural habitat of many woodland creatures was spared by this action taken by Rockefeller Center. Remember, people are animals too,” read the somewhat confusing press release.

“The tree looks pretty,” said six-year-old Tracey Thomas.“ It looks like a real tree, but bigger.”

Rockefeller Center spokesperson Marcia Bibb said there is no ill will held toward the Connor family, but said in the future an alternate tree would be considered. “All’s well that ends well,” said Bibb. “The environmentalists are happy, the Connors are happy, and the visitors seem to be enjoying the season as they do every year. Happy holidays!”

Man Sues Dating Website, Says ‘My Perfect Matches Are Always Black’

Posted on December 3, 2014 by JP

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

A Charlotte man has filed a lawsuit against a popular online dating site, citing his ‘extreme unhappiness’ with the results the website had been giving him. Gil Green, age 33, claims that all of the ‘perfect matches’ recommended to him through the site were African-American.

“I want to find myself a nice white woman and the site couldn’t get that straight,” said Green. “It isn’t fair to me at all that they would assume that I’m into black girls. I put in all my own information, and what I was looking for in a girl, and every time I checked who it matched me with, it was some dark-skinned broad.”

Green is claiming that the website was ‘deliberately sabotaging’ his love life, and that is why he was filing suit.

“I’m just a simple man, and I’m trying to find a wife, or at least a couple good dates, maybe a couple of blowjays, you know? But no mater how many times computer tells me my perfect match is black, I can’t just settle on that,” said Green. “It’s not a racist thing, I’ve met black people before. Some of them are even pretty cool. I just don’t find black women attractive. I’m sure plenty of black women don’t find me attractive. I shouldn’t have to change my standards to find a date on the internet.”

Green’s lawyer, Joe Goldsmith, Esq., who filed the suit in a North Carolina Superior Court, said he thinks that Green has ‘no chance in hell’ of ever winning the case.

“I only took this case for the money, my practice is struggling, and whatever pays the bills, you know?” said Goldsmith. “Mr. Green seems to be really confused about the internet and online dating in general, because the website he is filing suit against is ‘blackpeoplemeet.com’. Obviously his matches are going to be African-American. Frankly, Mr. Green is an idiot, and quite possibly a bigot.”

Representatives of blackpeoplemeet.com have yet to comment on the lawsuit, except to say that they “assume the outcome of the case will be a no-brainer.”

JELLO Revamps Pudding Pops Line To Distance Themselves From Bill Cosby

Posted on December 3, 2014 by DvanL

NORTHFIELD, Illinois –

Kraft Foods, maker of JELLO Pudding Pops, wants to distance itself as far away as possible from entertainer Bill Cosby, whose commercials for the dessert that ‘wiggles and jiggles’ made him one of the most successful brand spokespersons of the 1980s. In recent months, Cosby has been accused of sexual misconduct by at least a dozen women, with many institutions associated with the actor and comedian scrambling to cut all ties.

“The first step is to rebrand Pudding Pops,” says JELLO product manager Katharine Parkinson. “The shape and color of some of our Pudding Pops have taken on negative associations through no fault of our own,” she stressed. “We don’t want people to think of Bill Cosby when they put a Pudding Pop into their mouths, or the mouths of their children. Unfortunately, our chocolate Pop is too suggestive of the very acts Bill Cosby is being accused of committing. We’re protecting a wholesome, cherished treat enjoyed by millions of people around the world.”

This is not the first time a major corporation has had to repair its damaged image. In 1981, the pain reliever Tylenol had its brand nearly destroyed when a series of product tampering struck fear into consumers. The makers of Tylenol were one of the first companies to use tamper-resistant packaging, now an industry standard.

Shopper Linda Boreman, a regular consumer of Pudding Pops, thinks it’s the right move. “My kids were joking around about it, saying things like ‘I got her right in the pudding pop’ and repeating other nasty things they read on the Internet. I don’t find those jokes funny at all, and now I’m ashamed to buy the Pops. I used to be embarrassed to buy feminine products, but now I’d rather be seen with a box of tampons poking out of my basket. When they change the product so it doesn’t remind me of sucking on a little Cosby, I’ll be the first one to gobble one down.”

Retailers have the option of selling off or exchanging their existing stock for the newly designed Pops. The new packaging prominently features vanilla and strawberry flavors, and the chocolate ones have changed shape, now coming in octangular shapes on a stick.

“Nothing is octagon shaped, at least nothing dirty or overtly sexual,” said Parkinson. “Our design team has been very busy, and we’re confident that our Pops will soon be melting in the mouths of millions of consumers once again!”

Gas Prices To Top $7 Per Gallon By Spring According To U.S. Energy Information Administration

Posted on December 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C –

On Black Friday, gas prices began to drop quite drastically compared to the upward trends the country has been seeing since the mid-2000’s. While various experts insist that prices will continue to drop, what they and most United States government officials aren’t telling you is, indeed, quite frightening.

Adam Sieminski, Chief Administrator of the U.S. Energy Information Administration (EIA), announced today that it is his educated opinion after years of experience as an expert energy resource consultant, that gas prices will begin to rise very rapidly after the New Year, and continue throughout all of 2015. Sieminski says that prices of regular unleaded gasoline could very well reach $7.00 per-gallon by springtime.

“Don’t be fooled by the current production level of crude oil, which is seemingly leading the average American to believe that gas prices will continue to fall. What we have here, in my expert opinion, is the makings of a real shit-storm,” a shockingly candid Sieminski told reporter Wade Robertson from the KRAP news station in Los Angeles. “The constant disputing and clashing of political parties is to blame. They simply cannot agree as to the cost of anything. If they can’t even decide on a standard price for bubble gum, how can we entrust them to price our fuel supply?”

“The wool is being pulled over the peering eyes of the American public by the government, with all these low gas prices during the holiday season,” said Mark Rupert, an economic advisor at the EIA. “It is simply a decoy to fool the great hard-working citizens of this incredible country into spending more money than they normally would on other products because they’re finally saving on gasoline. All the while, they’re portraying the temporary illusion of a steadily improving national economy. Don’t be fooled!”

In a recent interview with CBS News, John Kingston, director of news at Platts, a provider of global energy, petrochemicals, metals, and agriculture information, said he sees no possible bad outcome of the current low gas prices. When asked if American businesses and consumers should just sit back and enjoy the ride as oil and gas prices continue to march downward, Kingston answered, “I just don’t see why they shouldn’t.”

The EIA clearly disagrees. “Gas, oil and other energies are the biggest business in the world. Of course they want you to believe everything is all fine and dandy, it should be a criminal offense to mislead the nation in this way, it is being done so that just when the average consumer gets comfortable, the shit will hit the fan, and they will be pawning the rims right off their cars just so that they can afford to put gas in them,” Sieminski concluded.

“In the end, who cares about gas prices?” said Jeb Smith, a grizzly, old gas station owner in Des Moines, Iowa. “Up, down, left, right. Gas been fluctuatin’ in price as long as I been alive. People buy the things they need, and they try and buy the things they want. It’s the nature of life, and no economy guy or science doofus is gonna tell me what I should and shouldn’t spend money on.”

FAA Creates Crazy New Rule For Passengers Boarding All U.S. Flights – You Won’t Believe What They’re Putting You Through Now!

Posted on December 2, 2014 by JP

LOS ANGELES, California –

It appears the process of getting on a plane will become even more frustrating, as the FAA have created new rules that must be followed before boarding a plane.

As of January 1st, all passengers will be required to remove their pants and be physically searched before boarding any flight in the United States. The ruling was passed after several people were still able to board planes with items that FAA lists as ‘illegal.’ It is also being noted that this is a more ‘respectable’ way of searching people without them feeling violated.

“Our security agents at airports across the country have filed numerous complaints of having to put their hands on passengers. Many passengers are tired, cranky, and some have come in from other flights and are smelly and nasty,” said FAA president Joe Goldsmith. “If removing your pants before getting on the flight eliminates the chance of our employees needing to touch you and give you a pat-down, then that’s fine by me. It’s all about the rights of the airline staff.”

“As a man who never really wears underwear, I find this so degrading to our human rights,” said a passenger at LAX who wished to remain anonymous. “That said, it will be very exciting to know I get to take my pants off, and everyone will be able to see me naked. It’s arousing me just imagining it!”

As for now, the rule will only affect adults ages 18 and over, but fears that children may become mules to illegal trafficking or acts of terrorism has already been discussed, and the FAA is working out separate rules for children.

Most of the people who were interviewed at LAX international airport seemed outraged by the FAA’s lack of compassion and dignity of frequent fliers, but all said that they will still fly regardless of the no-pants rule.

“I need to fly constantly to make a living, and while I’d prefer to be as comfortable as possible during my times boarding and flying on a plane, I have to admit, if I had to strip naked and crawl to my plane to get on it, I would,” said Delta passenger Richard Cummings. “Whatever I have to do to make it to the next city, I’ll deal with. It’s the difference between eating my next meal in a restaurant, or out of a garbage pail.”

Kindergarten Teacher Arrested For Having Sex With Student, Says ‘I Want To Marry Him’

Posted on December 2, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BROKEN ARROW, Oklahoma –

A 27-yr-old kindergarten school teacher was arrested on Monday for allegedly having sex with a student. The teacher, Sara Styles, was released on bail and was quoted as she left the courthouse saying, “I love him, and I want to marry him.” The student’s name was not immediately released due to the circumstances of the incident.

“I love him, and he loves me,” said Styles in an interview with a local Oklahoma newspaper. “He makes me so happy, I want to marry him. I don’t care about the age difference, 20 years from now what will it matter? He has already said he will wait for me if I have to go to jail. We met on the playground after school about two months ago, and it’s been a whirlwind romance ever since. We never had sex on school grounds, so I don’t see what the big deal is.”

“I don’t see this case going anywhere, personally. I mean, I’m pretty sure that the kid knew what he was doing. Plus, Miss Styles is reportedly a very good teacher, I’m sure she showed him some good tricks,” said Police Chief Charles Gordon. “If anything, the kid should get a medal. All the officers were giving him high fives when he came by the police station. I mean shit, did you see Miss Styles? She’s smokin’ hot. I wish I was so lucky when I was a kid. All my teachers were old nuns.”

Superintendent Joel Olsen of the Broken Arrow School District said that Miss Styles met the student in question during an after school field day sponsored by the high school.

“The student Miss Styles is involved with is a 18-year-old senior, who was volunteering during the field day activities. While it’s certainly not illegal for a 25-year-old woman to have sex with a 18-year-old, it is illegal for a teacher to have sex with a student, whether that student is one of her own or not,” said Olsen. “We’re taking the matter very seriously, and Miss Styles has been put on leave with pay, per her union contract.”