American Socialite, Entertainer Paris Hilton Found Dead Ends ‘Very Disturbing’

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Wealthy American socialite, actress, heiress, and entertainer Paris Hilton, 33, while left alone in her Beverly Hills mansion, said she found her ‘dead ends’ very alarming after showering and drying her hair.

Hilton discovered that she had fallen victim to what common-folk refer to as dead-ends, also known as split-ends, or Trichoptilosis. Trichoptilosis is caused by chemical, thermal, or mechanical stress to hair. Curling irons, excessive heat, and applications of hair coloring and/or perms may strip the protective layering off the outside of the hairs shaft while weakening it in the process, making it prone to split ends. Excessive combing is the most common culprit of mechanical stress to human hair, which, according to the heiress, was the cause of this terrible ordeal. “I just can’t believe it,” Kathy Hilton, the mother of the young socialite told Empire News. “I thought we raised our little girl better than that, to go around like that is just totally tragic.”

When asked about the alarming incident, Paris said that she had recently fired her personal hair stylist and figured she was smart enough to go at it alone. “How hard could it be to maintain a perfect head of hair? I have all the money in the world and I’m not a child anymore. But I guess I like, totally under-estimated the like, importance of having a personal hair stylist. This is like, absolutely embarrassing. I’m like, way freaked out. I thought I could make it alone out in the real word ya know? This is like, totally a life-altering ordeal.”

After discovering the terrifying disfigurement, Hilton made plans to hop aboard her private jet, and flew from Beverly Hills to New York City to meet with world-famous hair stylist Raphael Armand Gianni, where she plans to undergo immediate hair- rehabilitation.

Richard Hilton, the 59-year-old father of Paris told Empire News he doesn’t see what all the fuss is about. “So what? the girl has split ends. Life is not exactly a walk in the park, not even if you are a Hilton. Tragic events will come and go and we just have to find a way to push through it. I’ve told her and told her that looking beautiful in public is one of the most important things she can do with her life, but not the only important thing. I truly believe Paris will indeed push through this, and find something else wrong with her if she takes a good look. Nobody is perfect, not even a Hilton.”

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‘Walking Dead’ Star Norman Reedus Critically Injured By Explosion During Filming

Posted on November 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SENOIA, Georgia –

Norman Reedus, the 45-year-old star and fan favorite who plays the part of crossbow zombie hunting expert Daryl Dixon on the AMC mega-hit television series The Walking Dead, was accidentally injured during filming of the sixth season of the series earlier today, and currently is listed in critical condition at a hospital located in Atlanta, Georgia.

A small explosive charge used to simulate gunfire went off inside co-star Andrew Lincoln’s backpack during filming and exploded, hitting Reedus, who was said to have been standing behind Lincoln at the time of the accident. Lincoln, who plays the part of Rick Grimes on the show, suffered only minor injuries.

Lincoln activated a toggle switch on his belt and set off the small charge, called a squib, a device commonly used on movie sets to simulate the effects of gunfire, and Reedus was struck in the abdomen by a projectile. He was airlifted to an anonymous hospital in Georgia.

“The surgery went as well as could possibly be expected, but Mr. Reedus is not out of the woods by any means. The next twenty-four hours are absolutely crucial in his recovery,” said trauma surgeon Dr. Amar Ashamalla. “In an unrelated injury, we removed an arrowhead which had been lodged in his right thigh for what must have been several weeks, and was left untreated. Apparently, Mr. Reedus somehow injured himself and didn’t notice, or didn’t care. He also had many cuts, scrapes, and bruises, presumably from his grueling film schedule for The Walking Dead, and had reportedly not spoken to the on-set physician about those, either. Curiously, we also found a fragment of ballistics casing in his left forearm. It had clearly been there for years, and we assume it must have been something that happened during his filming of Boondock Saints. Regardless, he is in great hands here, and we will see to it that he recovers in a timely manner.”

When asked about the injuries, Walking Dead Executive Producer Frank Darabont said that Reedus was known as being the ‘toughest actor’ he has ever worked with. “By tough, though, I mean serious, hardcore, no-bullshit badass. He’s laid back and easy-going when it comes to acting, but he’s an intense guy who doesn’t mess around. Norman is a freak, especially when he channels himself in the role of Daryl Dixon. He gets hurt all the time, and never lets anybody treat his injuries. He shoots himself with an arrow and he just doesn’t care? It’s crazy. But, there is absolutely zero doubt in my mind that Norman will make a quick, full recovery and Daryl will be back in action in no time. Norm is one tough son-of-a-bitch!”

Ceiling Fans Can Cause Wi-Fi Particles To ‘Break Down’, Slow Down Home Internet

Posted on November 21, 2014 by JP

TALLAHASSE, Florida –

If you have been noticing some troubles with your Wi-Fi connection, your signal may not be at fault this time.

A recent study has shown that ceiling fans are the number one cause of slow internet or having no internet connection in homes. The study was performed after several major router and modem companies banded together to find new issues that can arise in home use of their products.

“I had a guy that wrote the company a letter claiming he would kill all of my family if I didn’t resolve his internet connection,” said the CEO of Belkin Routers, Joe Goldsmith. “He was upset because he was attempting to stream a Gilmore Girls episode on Netflix and from what he wrote, it cut off right before the good part.”

The report shows that not only will a ceiling fan in your own home disrupt your Wi-Fi, but even a close neighbor with a ceiling fan can be affecting it.

What happens, according to researchers, is the movement of a ceiling fan sucks in the Wi-Fi particles that are floating through the air, making your ‘network’ stuck in a type of internet tornado.

Major companies are attempting to find a way to stop this slow-down from happening in homes. Home Depot, one of the largest retailers of ceiling fans in the United States, as well as several other companies in the home-building and internet markets, are attempting to create a new Wi-Fi friendly ceiling fan, or a ceiling fan-friendly router. Prototypes for both designs have been created, but they say that the technology may be years away from being developed to permanently prevent issues.

In the mean time, they suggest that if you want to assure that you have the best possible internet connection, it is recommended that shut off or stay away from all ceiling fans while surfing the web.

Pope Francis Changes His Stance On Homosexuality, Gives Blessing On Gay Marriage

Posted on November 21, 2014 by Abe Abrams

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

In a stunning move yesterday, Pope Francis has had a major reversal on his position of gay marriage. As leader of the Catholic Church, his blessing of gay marriage has upended an almost 2000 year position on the subject. Throughout the world, gay and lesbian Catholic couples celebrated the Pope’s change of heart. Here in the United States, this will no doubt influence many states to finally legalize gay marriage.

“For too many years, the church has excluded a whole segment of the population. I see now that this was wrong and I humbly ask for forgiveness,” said His Holiness, Pope Francis, in a written statement. “I would like to thank the special, anonymous person that changed my mind, for the DVD they sent me changed my life. They know who they are. I now see that the love gay couples share is equal to the love all couples share. I would also like to thank Miss Sasha Grey and Miss Raven Riley for the film they made, Lessons In Lesbian Licking 14, as it has opened my eyes to a whole new world. I have ordered Lessons 1-13 now as well, for I feel it is my obligation to explore those that have been neglected by the Church. I have sent numerous messages to Miss Grey and Miss Riley for them to come visit me here at the Vatican, but I have yet to get a response. It is my hope this message reaches them.”

“It’s fabulous! Just super-fab!” said Larry Lance, an openly gay man in San Diego. “If the Pope was here right now, I would kiss that silly hat of his. Turns out he’s a horny old man, but who cares?! God bless him! Today I’m proud to say ‘I’m here, I’m queer, and I’m Catholic!’”

Starbucks CEO To Divide Up His $8M Christmas Bonus Among Minimum Wage Employees

Posted on November 21, 2014 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

If you notice an extra pep in the smile or step of your local Starbucks cashier this holiday season, now you’ll know why. The CEO has announced today that he will be splitting his stupidly ridiculous $8 million dollar Christmas bonus up between all the minimum wage employees currently working for the major coffee chain.

CEO Howard Schultz has said that he has decided to give away his bonus to keep morale up during a hectic holiday season, and to help continue the good feeling customers get when coming into Starbucks.

“I want my employees happy. Happy employees equal happy customers,” said Schultz. “I’d love to keep the money myself, I’m only human, but that would be greedy. I don’t need the money, I make almost $30 million dollars a year, which amounts to over $14,000 an hour. These people are making less than $9 an hour. We where in a meeting, thinking of different ways to reward our employees for their hard work, and the little pay they make, when someone tossed me this idea. I laughed at first, but then I gave it some thought.”

Schultz said that after figuring his personal budget, and whether or not he could live without the extra $8 million on top of his regular salary, he decided that he would divide his bonus equally among all his employees.

“What the hell, you only live once or twice, give-or-take,” said Schultz. “This extra money will mean more to my employees than it can to me. Hell, I wasn’t going to spend $8 million on Christmas presents, anyway. I certainly don’t want to be one of the highest paid CEOs in the country, and be thought of as some sort of Christmas Scrooge. I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday, and I want to thank them all for being Starbucks baristas.”

The bonus, which when divided equally among all the employees will be around $50, and will be issued to employees in the form of a Starbucks branded pre-paid Visa.

Massachusetts Man Comes Forward Alleging Bill Cosby Sexually Assaulted Him

Posted on November 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SHELBURNE, Massachusetts –

Another person has come forward alleging sexual misconduct against Bill Cosby, except this time, it is a man.

Isaac Arnold Jones, owner and operator of a small lawn maintenance company in Shelburne, Massachusetts, went to authorities earlier this week claiming his longtime employer, comedian Bill Cosby, sexually assaulted him in July of 2007.

Jones, who runs the lawn care outfit named ‘Two Bros Mowing’, went to police and told a Special Victims Unit detective that after mowing Cosby’s lawn on a hot July afternoon that Cosby invited him in to cool down, and claims the assault happened inside Cosby’s large estate in the wealthy suburb located near Boston.

“It was just me working that day, my brother had called in sick, and due to a lot of rain we had a lot of catching up to do. Mr. Cosby was obviously our highest priority client so I went to his house first chance I had to get his yard done. Anytime we mow Mr. Cosby’s lawn, we always go over it two or three times to make it look really good,” said Jones in his police report. “It was a hot and humid day and I was sweating a lot. When I finished I went to the door to collect a check. Usually his maid Mabel is waiting for me on the porch, for whatever reason she wasn’t that day. I rung the doorbell and Mr. Cosby answered the door. He told me I had done a great job and his lawn looked wonderful.”

Jones was, naturally, not comfortable discussing the events that allegedly occurred, but eventually continued his story.

“After the praise, he invited me in to cool off, and have a Coke and Pudding Pop. Of course I accepted, it’s Bill Cosby! After I ate one chocolate pudding pop, Bill looked at me and asked me if I wanted another one. He said something like, ‘I’ve got a special chocolate pudding pop for you, if you want some more, son’ and I thought sure, why not? Mr. Cosby left the room and came back with some more pudding, opened it for me, then it happened,” an emotional Jones said.

When asked what Cosby did, Jones was very reluctant to explain, but eventually said that Cosby forced him to perform simulated oral sex on a pudding pop while Cosby watched and rubbed pudding all over his genitals. “I was scared, and didn’t know what to do, so I just did what he said. Plus I was still hungry, and pudding pops are awesome.” Jones replied. “I just tried not to look at all that delicious pudding going to waste as it was rubbed all over his Little Huxtable, and finished the pudding pop as quickly as possible. Then I got the hell out of there.”

Several women have come forward alleging sexual assault against Cosby, most recently former supermodel Janice Dickinson. Cosby has not yet been charged or convicted in any wrong-doing, although he has had several engagements cancelled by the media, including a planned Netflix stand-up special, and a new NBC comedy series.

Severe Tree Shortage Means U.S. Forest Service Layoffs

Posted on November 20, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A nationwide tree shortage has resulted in severe cutbacks to employees of the US Forest Service.

“With fewer trees, we require fewer personnel,” said Charles Conifer, Forest Service Ranger. “I never thought things would come to this. We were never really affected by the bad economy, but this is something else, this is Mother Nature’s doing, we think.”

Changing weather patterns affect growth cycles. Some varieties of trees adapt better to changing environmental conditions, while other trees have a built-in “time clock.” Could the answer be tied in with the devastation that bee colonies have recently suffered?

Tree pollination expert Dr. Ahthea Thoone spoke at a US Forest Service luncheon last week and presented her ideas on bee colony decline and how it relates to the tree shortage crisis. “The ratio of bee colony failure coincides with the loss of trees across the northern hemisphere,” said Thoone. “I also wouldn’t rule out hoarding; that is, squirrels and other forest inhabitants securing pine cones and seeds, in reaction to their environment being taken over by land development. The data is fascinating,” she added.

The destructive force of nature also plays a part. During 2014 in California alone, over 1,400 forest fires broke out, with some wildfires larger than 50,000 acres in size. The Santa Ana Winds, nicknamed “devil winds,” fan wildfires along California’s coast, mostly during autumn and winter. When those resulting fires burn out or are extinguished, what’s left is a barren landscape, and fewer trees to take care of.

It takes about 6 years to grow a tree 8 feet tall,” said Conifer, “and during that time there’s not a lot to do but sit around and wait. We had to let people go. I couldn’t keep people on the payroll idly waiting for a forest to be repopulated,” he said.

Ironically, some of the forest personnel who lost their jobs became homeless and resorted to living in the same woods they once patrolled. “Hopefully, the cycle soon will be broken, and tree growth will return to acceptable levels. I know I certainly hope so,” said Conifer. “It’s a real tragedy. And I hate living out in the woods. They’re a nice place to patrol, but I really don’t want to live here.”

Landmark Settlement Reached In Moist Towelette Disfigurement Case

Posted on November 20, 2014 by DvanL

WHEATON, Illinois –

Like millions of Americans, Charlotte Buckner enjoys feeling fresh. Sometimes that means using a Wash’N’Wipe moist towlette when she’s traveling on the road. Unlike millions of Americans, Charlotte was recently awarded $6.4 million in damages from Wash’N’Wipe Industries.

“I rubbed myself raw,” said Charlotte, 51. “I was late for an appointment to show our new product line to some vendors.” Charlotte is product manager for a line of negative pressure ventilators, more commonly known as iron lungs. “It was very hot that day and I was dragging the ventilator in and out of my car, up and down stairways – I was so out of breath by the time I got to the last appointment, I felt like crawling in the thing myself.”

Reaching for her handy Wash’N’Wipes, Charlotte decided to “freshen up” before applying a new layer of makeup. “I wiped my face just like I always do, and I didn’t realize my Wash’N’Wipe was actually very dry. I was just so oily and sweaty. I have combination skin.”

The next thing she knew, her face felt as though it was burning. “My face felt like it was on fire,” said Buckner. “I felt burning, and looked in the mirror. I had all sorts of red and blue marks on my face and I immediately called 911. I didn’t know where the nearest hospital was, but they gave me directions. I ran in screaming. They gave me all sorts of shots and eventually the pain went away, but all the red marks were still there. I had to cancel the appointment with the vendor, and we lost the account.”

Charlotte returned home and hired a lawyer. “Originally, I was just going to sue for my hospital bills, but my attorney said ‘go for it,’ so I did. We sued for permanent damage to my face. With makeup, I can hide the scars, but I still look terrible. I frighten children now.”

Has Charlotte stopped using Wash’N’Wipes? “All I can say is that I did enjoy my Wash’N’Wipes for many years before this unfortunate incident, which impaired my ability to fulfill my business duties causing irreparable harm.”

A representative from Wash’N’Wipe Industries told Empire News that the company stands by their product and has millions of satisfied customers. “The packaging must have been damaged during shipping,” said the spokesperson.

Charlotte plans on taking an early retirement as a result of her windfall. “It’s about time I got out of the iron lung game,” she said. “Sales never bounced back since the polio vaccine was invented, so I’m going to enjoy what’s left of my disfigured life.”

New Evidence Reveals True Purpose of Great Wall Of China

Posted on November 19, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BEIJING, China –

Researchers have uncovered new evidence revealing the true purpose of the Great Wall of China. Built largely by the Ming Dynasty, long-standing belief has always been that it was built to keep out invading Mongols hordes.

“Started in the 7th century, and finished by the Ming Dynasty, the Great Wall of China has had many different theories as to what was its true purpose. As many as one million people died in its construction, and their remains became part of the wall,” said Archaeologist Richard Reginald. “Through DNA testing of bones found in the wall, and analysis of artifacts found in the wall, we believe that we have finally identified the true purpose of the wall.”

According to Reginald, DNA analysis of bones in the wall prove that the workers were of non-Chinese ethnicity. “The only conclusion,” said Reginald, “is that the Great Wall of China was built by cheap Mexican labor for the sole purpose of keeping out Mexicans and other ‘unwanteds.'”

”See I was right, I’ve been saying this all along, what we need is a great wall of America,” said Senator Ted Cruz upon hearing the news. “It worked for the Chinese, obviously – there isn’t a damn Mexican in China, that’s for sure. It can work for us. We can the get the illegals to build it cheap, and when it’s done, we will throw them a big party and say ‘Congratulations, Amigos, how’s it look on the Mexico side?’ and when they go look, we slam the gate on them! It’s ideas like this that will make me a perfect candidate to be the next President.”

President Obama’s Birth Certificate Sells For $3.4 Million At Auction

Posted on November 19, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

At a political fundraising auction Monday night, the only known copy of President Obama’s birth certificate sold for a whopping $3.4 million dollars to a private bidder. The bids from Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump both fell short in a bidding war that raised money for the DNC. Speculation as to who actually was the highest bidder ranges from ultra-liberal George Soros, to the Republic of China.

“I don’t know who bought my birth certificate, nor do I care, although I’m sure conservative conspiracies theories will keep FOX NEWS busy for months to come,” said President Obama. “The reason I’m here today is to announce a new alliance with Iran. I am lifting all restrictions on their nuclear enrichment programs. After talking to Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, I have decided that he has many valid points, and he has convinced me on his views of the holocaust being a lie, and that the Jews are the root of all evil in the world. On Khamenei advice, the United States will no longer recognize the State of Israel and I will stand with him in declaring Israelis as unlawful occupiers of the holy land. I would like to stress my changed stand on Iran has nothing to do with my birth certificate. Khamenei is just a very well-spoken person who has changed my mind on some things. He certainly didn’t buy my birth certificate and is blackmailing me with its information, and anyone who says otherwise is a racist.”

“It is clear our country has just been sold to the highest bidder,” said Republican talk radio show host Rush Limbaugh. ”President Hussein Obama has signed a death certificate for our closest friends, the Israelis, just to protect his dirty little secret that he is not a natural-born citizen. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States is being blackmailed by a foreign government. It should’ve been me who won the bidding, and then this wouldn’t be happening. I told Trump we should pool our money and team up in the bidding, but that guys ego is bigger than his buildings.”