Teenage Girl Dies of Hypothermia After Taking Part In ‘Ice Bucket Challenge’

BOSTON, Massachusetts – Teenage Girl Dies of Hypothermia After Taking Part In 'Ice Bucket Challenge'

Seventeen-year-old Latasha Johnson died last night after taking part in the ‘Ice Bucket Challenge,’  according to Boston Police Department spokesperson Cheryl Fiandaca.

“It is with sadness and regret that we have indeed ruled this a very tragic, unimaginable accident,” said Fiandaca. “Ms. Johnson was simply trying to help raise money for ALS along with her friends, but she went into hypothermia after pouring a bucket of ice water over her head, and then not changing out of her wet clothes for several hours. The hypothermia went untreated and unfortunately resulted in her death, autopsy pending.”

Latasha Johnson and her friends, all soon-to-be seniors at Cristo Rey Boston High School, were taking part in the challenge with the intentions of raising money for ALS. One of the friends, eighteen-year-old Naomi Sanchez, told police that they all dumped buckets of ice water over their heads at the same time while another friend recorded video of the incident on her cell phone. Sanchez said that all the girls were laughing at Johnson who had been shivering for more than two hours afterwards and eventually fell asleep, so they just left her there on a chair in the backyard.

It was not until it was discovered that Johnson began to look very pale that the others decided to call 911. Sadly, it was too late, and Johnson had succumbed to hypothermia.

“The Boston Police Department and several medical experts studied several videos captured by the friends diligently. One video was from the actual challenge, when they dumped the water over their heads, and others were taken while the girls laughed at Johnson shivering over the next couple hours,” Fiandaca said. “Some of the videos were posted online but have since been removed, and all cell phones were confiscated for the pending investigation of criminal intent.”

Police are investigating the idea that the other girls teased Johnson into staying in her wet clothes, freezing, while they all were ‘allowed’ to change their clothes. Reports say that videos posted to YouTube by the girls showed they had all changed into dry clothes or new bikinis, while Johnson did not.

The Ice Bucket Challenge has become a viral sensation over the last couple of weeks, started by former Boston College baseball player Pete Frates, who was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, also know as ALS, and most commonly Lou Gehrig’s Disease. Frates and his family started the movement via Facebook and Twitter as a creative way to spread ALS awareness throughout social media, often using the hashtag #IceBucketChallenge. It has since gone viral and has spiked ALS donations by over 1000% since July 31st.

“This is a ‘creative’ way to spread ALS awareness via social media and in communities nationwide,” said Barbara Newhouse, President and CEO of The ALS Association just days ago.  “We thank Pete Frates and his family for getting so many people involved in spreading the word about ALS.”

After posting their ice bucket videos to social media, participants nominate others to take the plunge and keep the cycle going. If those challenged don’t accept within 24 hours, they’re asked to donate to the ALS Association.

The Ice Bucket Challenge has been accepted by many celebrities such as Ethel Kennedy, who has since challenged President Obama to take part. Matt Lauer did it live on the Today show, and Martha Stewart, New England Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman, Boston Mayor Marty Walsh, and many others have all taken part in the challenge.

The parents of Latasha Johnson ask the public to not let their daughter die in vain.

“She was just trying to raise money for this incredible cause. She loved people and, unfortunately, loved the dumb things she saw on the internet. She never knew how dangerous this stunt count be. Please, we beg you to donate to the ALS Association on her behalf. Let her good deed have meaning,” said her grief-stricken father, Mohana Johnson.

Librarian Hospitalized After ‘Book Burning’ Incident Destroys Library

ZANESVILLE, Ohio – Librarian Hospitalized After Book Burning Destroys Library

Norma Garrison has been in charge of The Muskingum County Public Library in Zanesville, Ohio since 1974.  “Education and culture are the most important gifts we can give our young people — within limits,” said Garrison from her hospital bed. The 62-year-old librarian is recovering from severe 3rd degree burns suffered as the result of a fire authorities say she herself set in the library, trying to burn books she found unsuitable for public viewing.

“I’ve done this for years and nobody ever noticed ‘til now,” explained Garrison.  “Used to be just a few I had to get rid of back when, but now with that Kenyan in office, telling us what to do and the way he’s turned the country radical — I can’t keep up.”

When asked who she was specifically referring to by “that Kenyan,” Garrison replied, “Don’t get cute.  You know exactly who I’m talking about and I’m not afraid to say it — the President.  And did you see where now his wife is forcing us to feed our children what she feeds her own?  I don’t have children, but who does she think she is?  Maybe it’s just fine for her kids to read that filth Fifty Shades of Grey, but it’s not okay for regular American kids who grow up around here.  Someone has to speak for them.”

Fire Chief Robert Sutherland commented, “The entire back end of the building is gone.  The alarms were disconnected so that explains why there was so much damage.  We’re lucky no one was killed.  The nursing home is right next door.  I don’t know what Miss Garrison was thinking.”

Reaction from town residents is mixed.  “There were rumors that Norma did this type of thing,” said local florist Sarah Donaldson.  “We just joked about it ‘cause Norma is just so quiet and reserved.”

Resident Paul Fowler remarked, “Sometimes you would go in and look for a certain book and it wouldn’t be there.  Norma would say she never heard of it, or that it was checked out and never brought back, or it got lost.  Mind you, I’m not defending what she did, but I understand.  She got real withdrawn after McCain lost. She changed. You could see it in her.  She really liked that Sarah Palin and always had plenty of her books on display.”

“When I go back to work I guess I’ll have a lot of cleaning up to do,” remarked Garrison, seemingly unaware of the severity and consequences of her actions.

Garrison was charged with malicious damage to public property, and was removed from her position last week.  She will be taken into custody after her release from Zanesville’s Genesis-Bethesda Hospital within the next few days.

Insurance investigators estimate damage to the library structure to be in the tens of thousands of dollars, not including the value of over 1,800 volumes of literature destroyed in the fire.

Woman In Front Row of UFC Event Berated For Not Looking Like A Prostitute

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Woman In Front Row of UFC Event Berated For Not Looking Like A Prostitute

Stephanie Kirkland, 26, a 2nd grade teacher at a Lake Tahoe area public school, was excited to learn a friend had an extra ticket to UFC 175: Weidman vs. Machida. It was with added surprise that she learned the seats were just one row from the cage.

As passing fights fan, Kirkland admitted that she had looked forward to the event, having never been to a live UFC show, but she in no way anticipated what would happen once she got to the venue.

Security camera footage clearly shows Kirkland walking into the fight with a group of friends. Kirkland is seen dressed in a t-shirt and jeans with her hair pulled back in a ponytail. From the footage, her friends appear to be clearly embarrassed to be seen with her slovenly appearance.Things only got worse from there.

Wanting to get the most out of the tickets, Kirkland had pressed her friends to arrive early so they could watch all of the preliminary fights and as such, the group represented the only filled seats in the first five rows of the arena. Reports are that people in the cheap seats wondered if they were there by mistake.

As the night progressed to the main card, the seats around her filled with more and more people. Kirkland seemed ambivalent to the looks and jeers around her as she watched the action.

“I thought people were yelling at the fighters,” Kirkland said, days after the event, “I dated a wrestler in high school, so I was following the action pretty well. It was fun – Until I realized they were yelling at me.”

Reports from cage side are that numerous chants of “You don’t look like a whore!” and  “Why aren’t you texting during the fight?” continued for minutes at a time as Kirkland sat and watched the fight politely, not bothering anyone.

She wasn’t even staring at the other women, judging them, scoffing and laughing to herself about something only she found funny. Her behavior was considered suspect by arena security who had her under constant observation, except when women dressed like aspiring porn stars walked by.

Before the Rousey/Davis fight, Kirkland was finally approached by security and asked to step outside. At which time none of her friends acted like they knew her. Once outside, security closed the doors and her picture was distributed throughout the MGM Casino with orders not to allow her back inside.

Kirkland was forced to wait until the fights let out to find her friends, who were so ashamed of her that they wouldn’t even share a cab home.

“I was so embarrassed,” admitted Kelly Oswald, a friend of Kirkland’s since middle school. “I mean, here were are, with the chance to be seen on a pay-per-view event and have fan boys make GIFs of us showing our cleavage and she dresses like she’s going to baseball game.”

Oswald, whose UFC GIF has been featured for the last week when the nipple of one of her 36DD breasts slipped out of her size zero dress, thought for a moment. “No, not even baseball, because then we could get one of those special baseball jersey’s that show off your belly. This was totally unacceptable. She was dressed like a Mormon.”

Information released by leading cosmetic manufacturers suggests there could be as much as 72 pounds of fake eyelashes in the front row of any given UFC event. Sources in Las Vegas salons stated that they will often need emergency airdrops of hair dye and wax to prepare for the larger events.

Kirkland has subsequently been banned from the MGM Casino until such time as she can prove that she is aloof, disinterested ,and otherwise oblivious to the people around her while simultaneously posting selfies on Instagram in the middle of a five-round slugfest.

‘Anti-Vaxxers’ Jailed After Child Hospitalized With Whooping Cough

BALTIMORE, Maryland – 'Anti-Vaxxers' Jailed After Child Hospitalized With Whooping Cough

Anti-vaccination has become the latest trend embraced by the ‘natural parenting’ community. There are thousands of protests, Facebook groups, shared memes, and informative campaigns sweeping the nation. It is a movement spearheaded by parents who don’t trust medicine, and embrace natural living. Rachel and David Posey of Baltimore, Maryland, are one such couple, and this week they were arrested and charged with child endangerment after their child was hospitalized with whooping cough, which has a fifty percent mortality rate in infants.

Jenny McCarthy, one of the strongest proponents of the ‘anti-vaxx’ craze, was very vocal upon hearing about the arrest.

“This is criminal. They are forcing us to poison our children, and now they are arresting us if we have the wisdom to refuse. I may not be a doctor, but I know these vaccines cause all kinds of problems, and they aren’t even one hundred percent effective. Besides, most of these things we vaccinate against aren’t even around anymore. Why vaccinate against a disease that no one even gets?” said McCarthy.

antixvaxx
Adacel, one of several drugs on the market for vaccination against Pertussis, also known as ‘Whooping Cough.’

Anti-Vaxxers across the country are up in arms over the arrest, and are taking to the internet to voice their displeasure. There is even a petition for the Posey’s release on Change.org. Mary Ruiz, spokesperson for the Center for Disease Control and strong proponent for vaccinations, has addressed the mass outrage.

“With the vast amount of knowledge shared among the world’s population, it would be impossible for everyone to be well-versed on every topic. You don’t get on an airliner and decide that you can fly the plane better than the pilot, who has trained for thousands of hours. Why then is it the norm for people from all walks of life to decide that they are more knowledgeable about disease than an immunobiologist?” said Ruiz. “Not to take anything away from the average citizen, but if you received a “D” in physical science class, you are in no position to decide what compounds are unsafe for use in the human body. We had nearly stamped out a number of deadly diseases, and now, many of them are coming back in full force.  Ten years ago, we were fighting the last vestiges of these diseases in third world countries. Now we are fighting them here. Children are dying, and we have these anti-vaccination parents to thank for it.”

Anti-Vaxx parents aren’t letting things like facts stand in their way, and a large contingent has taken up visage outside of the Baltimore County Courthouse to express their outrage. One protester summed up the movement quite nicely, saying that the arrest has made ‘legends’ of the Posey family.

“The Posey family are heroes. It is sad that their baby is sick, but what they are doing, fighting for our rights, it’s damn honorable. It will all be worth it in the end. Every struggle comes with a price, but soon, our unvaccinated children will be allowed equal rights under the law,” said Brent Pine, a father of 3 young, unvaccinated children.

The Baltimore County District Attorney has not been amused by the circus surrounding the case.

“These people are criminals. Good intentions aside, we feel that they are directly responsible for this child’s illness, and I assure you, if this baby dies as a result of this illness, the charges will be amended to negligent homicide,” said Baltimore District Attorney Melissa Brooks. “Regulations are in place for a reason, and contrary to some people’s beliefs, you should not be able to put your childs health at risk over an unsubstantiated rumor.”

The US Government allows a certain amount of leeway with regard to parents raising their children in a manner that they deem fit, but even religion sects that consider modern medicine to be unsafe, including members of the Christian group The Church of the First Born, have come under legal fire when neglecting proper medical care for their young children.

Several years ago, a 3-year-old girl died when her family refused to bring in her to the hospital for medical care for a treatable disease. The family attributed the sickness to ‘God’s Will,’ punishment for not attending church frequently enough. The parents let her die. They were later acquitted of charged of child abuse. Experts say that Anti-Vaxxers are slowly moving the way of a religious, or cult-like, behavior.

“These people need to understand that years of medical training and science goes into these vaccinations. We are not injecting people, children or adults, with ‘experimental’ drugs or something, all willy-nilly,” said Dr. George West, pediatric surgeon at Massachusetts General Hospital. “Please, for the sake of your children, get them vaccinated. These diseases and illnesses are preventable, and they are dire. Whooping cough will kill your baby. For crying out loud, we’re seeing Measles making a comeback. We obliterated that disease almost 15 years ago. It’s coming back specifically because of these ignorant, uninformed families.”

The Poseys face one count each of child endangerment and neglect, and are scheduled for a hearing on September 2nd. A lawyer for the couple refused comment.

MacFarlane, FOX Announce ‘Family Guy’ Series Ending After Next Season

LOS ANGELES, California – McFarlane, FOX Announce 'Family Guy' Series To End After Next Season

One of the most popular animated shows in the history of television will be coming to end this fall. The show Family Guy, created by Seth MacFarlane, brought FOX’s rating to a new level, bringing in millions of viewers season after season for the last 15 years.

On top of being one of the most popular shows on television for several years, the show had a lot of ‘jewelry’ to show for their popularity; The series was nominated 13 times for an Emmy Award, winning 4. The acclaim kept most people assuming the show would air for several more years.

The decision does not come at the hands of FOX executives, but from creator MacFarlane, who says that the show has become ‘stagnated,’ and that it’s time he focus on his other cartoons American Dad and The Cleveland Show, as well his now-budding movie career.

“I’ve taken Family Guy exactly where it needed to go,” says MacFarlane. “The characters have traveled the world, had their follies. We’ve done musical numbers and covered all the topics I wanted to. With the crossover episode with The Simpsons airing in September, it will be the crown-jewel of the series, and I don’t want to drag it out any further.”

Roger Ailes the CEO of FOX News Channel commented on the matter.

“Seth created a great show, but we understand that he’s gone on to do bigger things. Not necessarily better things, but bigger things,” said Ailes. “The film Ted was a great success for him, and it’s afforded him the opportunity to make a sequel. His film A Million Ways To Die in the West was also a big money maker. It was fairly unwatchable in my opinion, but good for him for making the jump to live-action acting. [Seth] is making Hollywood money now. TV money won’t keep cutting it.”

Ailes said that he wishes that the network and MacFarlane could have come to an agreement on a contract renewal, but that several other shows are currently in the development process, with at least one hoped to be able to fill the vacant spot left by Family Guy on FOX’s ‘Animation Domination’ Sunday night block of programming.

“The show came out with a bang and pushed the envelope, and we were stupid and canceled it once already. The fans convinced us to bring it back, and Seth kept it going for years. If you ask me, though, the show has gotten a littler more dry over the years. I use to sit and watch and laugh like crazy but now when I watch it I feel a bit dumber, and I think the ratings have suffered a little, too.”

Several members of the cast were made aware of the show’s end several months ago, with all choosing to stay until the end of the series. Most, including Seth Green, voice of Chris Griffin, and Mila Kunis, voice of Meg Griffin, have already had long careers in Hollywood, and say they are not worried about where to go when the show ends.

“I’ve still got my show Robot Chicken that I created for Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim lineup,” said Green. “There are also talks with Mike [Meyers] about another Austin Powers film, which I really think will happen, and I’m excited for that. Voicing Chris on Family Guy all these years has been a blast, but as they say, good things end.”

FOX has the show’s final season, its 13th, slated to begin in September.

 

Affordable Care Act Requires Euthanasia For Sick Seniors

MIAMI, Florida – Affordable Care Act Requires Euthanasia For Sick Seniors

Two years ago, Mildred Honeycutt, a senior and a resident of an assisted living community near Miami, Florida, was ecstatic about her new health coverage under the Affordable Care Act. Deemed ‘too affluent’ for Medicaid, she had found it impossible to get coverage due to her advanced age and several pre-existing medical conditions. Today she is singing a different tune.

“I went to see my doctor, because I’ve been tired all the time and I noticed I was bruising easily. They ran some tests, and it turns out I have leukemia. I asked the doctor what kind of treatment I would need, and he said that normally they would start chemotherapy and bone marrow transplants immediately. I asked him what he meant by ‘normally’, and he told me that those procedures for someone at my age aren’t covered. He said they are considered to be cost-prohibitive, meaning that the amount of time that they could extend my life was not deemed to be ‘worth the cost’.”

It gets worse. The approved treatment for someone in Mildred’s condition at her age is euthanasia. If she opts out of the approved treatment, meaning she will get to die naturally, the plan will not cover things like pain medication.

“It’s like they actually want to kill me. Either I let them do the same thing to me that they do to convicted murderers, or they’ll take my meds away and I’ll be in constant pain until I die naturally.”

An insurance underwriter from Blue Cross and Blue shield was willing to take a look at Mildred’s case on the condition of anonymity.

“It is pretty clear cut. They have all these financial de-escalators in place here, mostly buried in the fine print and shrouded in legalese. But, she is right. Her policy dictates that the only allowable treatment for her condition is euthanasia. If she refuses treatment, it will basically nullify her entire policy. She’ll wind up having to take Asprin for pain caused by her cancer, and she’ll have to pay for that out of pocket”

Mildred was understandably upset by the findings, and is unsure of what she is going to do. Even if she was to file a motion or suit, she would either be dead or too far gone to receive treatment before it ever got before a judge.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I know I’m going to die either way, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in agony. At the same time it seems wrong to just let them kill me like a feral dog. I am going to pray about it. It’s just not right,” said Mildred.

Whatever Mildred’s choice, she has a little over a week to decide. Her next appointment is coming up fast, and one way or another, it will be her last.

Man Arrested, Charged With Sexual Assault For Changing Daughter’s Diaper In Public

NEWARK, New Jersey – Man Arrested, Charged With Sexual Assault For Changing Daughter's Diaper In Public

A Newark man was arrested and charged with sexual assault of a minor for changing his 4-year-old daughter’s dirty diaper in a McDonald’s restaurant. Greg James, 29, was taken into police custody after an altercation with the store’s assistant manager, who found James openly changing his young daughter in the middle of the restaurant’s Play Place, triggered another customer to call 911.

“The two were in a booth in our Play Place area,” said restaurant assistant manager Jim Del. “The restaurant wasn’t very busy at the time, so they were alone in there. I went in to change the trash can liners, and Mr. James was yelling at his daughter for not letting him know she had to use the bathroom. He had her laying on the table, completely naked, and was cleaning her off using napkins and soda from his cup.”

Del reportedly asked James to take the girl into the bathrooms, where they had a changing area for small children.

“He told me to go f— myself, and he’d take care of it,” said Del. “He then yelled at his daughter because she was squirming, telling her to ‘stop f—– moving around’ while he finished changing her.”

Police responded to a call made by another patron of the McDonald’s, who reported seeing the father yelling at the young girl.

“I had just come into the McD’s with my 5-year-old son, and we had gotten our food and were walking into the play area,” said Martha Biggs, the patron who called the police. “And I see this man holding down a young, naked girl, a dirty poop-diaper sitting on the table next to his food, and he’s wiping her with napkins. The poor girl, she was crying. One of the employees was trying to get him to take his daughter into the bathroom, and he wouldn’t. I took my son out of the play area and immediately called the police.”

When officers arrived, James was readying to leave the restaurant, and they confronted him about the incident.

“Mr. James became belligerent, and tried taking a swing at one of the officers at the scene,” said Captain Aaron Silver of the Newark Police Department. “He claimed he had done nothing wrong and that we were ‘illegally detaining’ him. After several minutes, officers were able to forcibly arrest Mr. James and bring him in. His daughter was brought to the station as well and later picked up by her mother.”

James was arrested on one count of resisting arrest, and one count of sexual assault of a minor.

“Although normally one would think of sexual assault as a form of molestation or an actual sexual act, that is not all the falls under that definition when it comes to children,” said Captain Silver. “Because Mr. James had stripped his daughter in public, in full-view of any other patrons who walked in, including the woman who called us to inform of the incident, as well as her very young son, he is being charged with sexual assault, a crime he committed by openly disregarding the safety and privacy of his young daughter.”

James was released on $10,000 bail, and is due in court in September. He is restricted from unsupervised visits with his daughter until a verdict is made.

 

 

 

New Massachusetts Law Makes Talking On Cell Phones In Public Illegal

 BOSTON, Massachusetts – New Massachusetts Law Makes Talking On Cell Phones In Public Illegal

A law has been passed in Massachusetts this past Friday which seeks to end the ‘rudeness and distractions’ created by people who excessively use their phones in public. The new law, which was signed by state governor Deval Patrick, will impose a fine of to $200 dollars for cell phone use in public locations such as restaurants, movie theaters, and schools.

The law was voted into place by the Massachusetts state representatives after numerous complaints by the public about noise pollution in public areas, acts of violence, and the general ‘distracted nature’ that comes from a person who is using their phone and not paying attention to their surroundings.

Part of the law was introduced in 2009, when the state made it illegal to text while driving. In 2011, the state created an addendum that stated it was also illegal to talk on the phone while driving, unless you were using a hands-free device.

“We knew that using the phone while driving was creating distractions and accidents,” said Governor Patrick. “Sadly, accidents aren’t just happening while driving. We’ve had reports of everything from people falling into open manholes to getting hit by cars to getting into fights after one person runs into another, all because these folks were too distracted by their call to notice their surroundings. These are the reasons we’ve created this new law.”

People who work in the restaurant industry and other fields of luxury reportedly couldn’t be happier with the new law.

“I can’t even begin to tell you how much it sucks to have to take an order from somebody who can’t even look you in the face because they are too busy chatting on their phones,” said Christine Mosier, a waitress at a Boston-area Ruby Tuesday restaurant. “First they come in talking, and they are always too busy on their phones to even place an order, then they yell because service takes too long. On top of that, I get complaints from one table saying that a nearby patron is speaking too loudly, and then ironically, that other patron will say the same about them. Just leave your phones in your car or your pocket and enjoy your meal for crying out loud.”

The state government has worked closely will all cell phone carriers to help impose the fines.

“Unlike a normal law where we’d arrest you or give you a ticket, these fines can be imposed by an officer and charged directly to your carrier. This way, if you refuse to pay your fines, your phone will be shut off due to the non-payment,” said Patrick. “In this way, we can force repeat offenders to think twice before breaking the law – or else they won’t have any way to break it in the first place.”

Several states are watching Massachusetts closely to see how the new law plays out. New Jersey, New York, and Connecticut are also considering enacting similar laws that would keep their streets ‘clean of the noise’ of flagrant cell phone users.

The new law was signed into order on Friday. It goes into effect on October 1st, 2014.

 

 

 

 

Obama Signs Executive Order Amending Constitution, Allows Unlimited Terms As President

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Obama Signs Executive Order Amending Constitution, Allows Unlimited Terms As President

President Obama has signed an executive order that seeks to amend the constitution, changing the listed terms a president can serve from the current two to an ‘unlimited’ amount. With support from Congress, the president signed the order with the intent of running for a third term in 2016.

“The people of this great nation deserve a leader that works for them,” said President Obama in a statement from the White House. “The change I promised during my first race is coming soon. It is very hard to un-do all the faults of your predecessor in only 4 short years. That is why I ran again, and you have elected me again for another 4 years. But even 8 years can sometimes not be enough time. So that is why, with the support of the U.S. Congress, I have exercised my rights of executive to sign this order, which will amend the Constitution of the United States, and allow for an unlimited number of terms as President.”

In 1940, Franklin Roosevelt won his third term as president. After bringing the country through the Great Depression and almost all of WWII, Roosevelt became one of the most popular presidents in US history. After his third term was completed, Roosevelt actually went on to win his fourth term, but died shortly afterwards. Upon his death, Congress drafted the 22nd amendment to the US Constitution, which states that a president can only serve two elected terms, for a total of 8 years.

“At the time this article was written, it was important to the structure and future of this great country,” said President Obama. “The United States had gone through tough times, and in 1947, after the death of Roosevelt, Congress decided that we needed this amendment to avoid a monarchy in this country. I am not seeking to be the King of the United States. I simply wish to try again, to run again, to continue the good work that I have done for this country.”

President Obama said that despite the changes being made to the 22nd amendment which allow him and any future president to serve unlimited terms, it does not change the fact that the office of President must be secured by vote.

“Either myself or any future man or woman who serves as President of this great country may now choose to run indefinite terms, but that does not mean that the people, whom we dutifully serve, will always vote to elect the same person,” said Obama.

The ratification was signed into order on Friday. As of the time of this writing, President Obama had not officially announced his intentions to run for a third term in 2016, but sources from within the White House say the announcement should be made soon.

Retiree Demands Refund From National Park Service When ‘Old Faithful’ Fails To Erupt On Schedule

YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK, Wyoming – Retiree Demands Refund From National Park Service; %22Old Faithful%22 Geyser Fails To Erupt On Schedule

Gerald Fogarty waited his entire life to see “Old Faithful,” the world-famous geyser attraction that brings visitors from around the globe to Yellowstone National Park.

The geothermal wonder erupts with a blast of steam and water at more or less regular intervals, delighting over three million spectators each year.  “I finally decided to be a part of it,” said Fogarty, 68.  “I meant to get here all through the years, but one thing or another kept me from coming and I never did find the time.”

The now-retired warehouse manager is taking full advantage of his new schedule by doing the things he’s always wanted to do, exactly when he wants to do them.  “I lived in Baltimore all my life, so Yellowstone was far away and a big trip on my salary,” explained Fogarty.  “I couldn’t just pick up and go anytime I felt like it, but I saved up my money and looked forward to this for a long time.  To go there in person – that was a goal I wanted to get to.”

Fogarty rented a car and decided to make the trip a cross-country adventure.  “I saw some sights, yes I did, and I stayed in a Motel 6 and ate some different food and wanted ‘Old Faithful’ to be the icing on the cake at the end,” recalled the retiree.  “I heard these stories about the geyser going off every hour on the hour, so I got there and I waited.  I stayed there for an hour and ten minutes and nothing happened,” said Fogarty.  “So I walked back to my car and went to find the head office to ask for a refund.”

The myth that “Old Faithful” erupts “every hour on the hour” is just that — a legend told over the years, when in actuality, the intervals between geyser eruptions can be as short as 35 minutes, or as long as 2 hours.  When informed of this by Park personnel, Fogarty replied, “I’m on a schedule and I don’t have time to waste anymore.  They never talked about a time interval or whatever fancy thing they call it.  I got out of there before they started blaming everything on that global warming nonsense.  What’s so faithful about that?  It’s bad faith, is what it is!” said Fogarty, storming off in a huff.

The Park declined to comment on whether they refunded Fogarty’s entry fee, but released a statement, which read in part:

Yellowstone National Park offers the opportunity for millions to enjoy the Earth’s natural wonders.  We strive to provide the most enjoyable experience for our visitors.  Mr. Fogarty is welcome to return to the Park at anytime, and we sincerely hope he extends the duration of his next visit with us.

A previous trip to Niagara Falls, including a boat tour on the “Maid Of The Mist” also proved disappointing for Fogarty.  “Too wet,” he explained.  “Even with the rain poncho, I just got too damn wet.”

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.