Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann To Support Each Other For Republican Nomination in 2016

Posted on August 3, 2014 by johnzakour

ST. PAUL, Minnesota –

In a surprise combined press conference Michele Bachmann (Rep. Minnesota) and Sarah Palin (ex-governor, ex-reality show star, ex-fox news correspondent, current star of the SarahPalin network) announced that they would be supporting each other for the republican presidential nomination in 2016.

“With 2016 being only two or maybe three years away, it’s time to announce our candidacy,” Bachmann announced to the crowd of nearly 50 eager supporters.

“We need to put the United States back on the path of rightness,” Palin said. “We need to stop this influx of immigrants. Everybody knows our great country wasn’t built on immigration!”

When questioned on how they could both support each other when in the end there can be only one nominee for president, the two ladies surprisingly had an answer.

“Whichever one of us gets the nomination for president will choose the other one for their running mate,” Bachmann said.

“Yes,” Palin agreed. “This way our country gets not only its first female president, but also our first female vice president. It’s like killing two moose with one shot.” Palin also noted that she has experience as a losing VP candidate, which she will be sure to pass on to Michele.

The two women both agreed that either of them would be a far superior president than Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton.

“How does being Secretary of State even remotely make you qualified to be leader of this great country?” Palin asked. “My SarahPalin network, which costs a very reasonable $9.95 a month, has greatly prepared me to be President. After all, the president needs to know about the Internet and stuff and I know stuff,” Palin noted.

Bachmann practically snickered at the thought of an ex-Secretary of State becoming president, commenting that she didn’t even know that secretaries did anything other than take dictation.

“Secretaries are SO out of date. You would think she would at least be Administrative Assistant of state. What did she do? Bring coffee to the males of state?” Bachmann smiled proudly when she added, “I have my husband to bring me coffee.”

Texas Football Coach Arrested For Giving Meth To Team As ‘Performance Booster’

Posted on August 2, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LINDEN, Texas –

Police in Linden, Texas arrested a junior high school football coach this past Tuesday after allegations that he was forcing his players to take doses of methamphetamine before practice.

According to Linden Police Chief Alton McWaters, parents of students had complained about strange behavior by their children following football practices.

“My son would come home and just act really strange,” said LaQuita Jones, a mother of one student. “He would just stand and stare at the walls for like an hour. Then one day I walked in to my kitchen and he was sitting on the floor next to a pile of his own feces saying, ‘look, I made Jesus’. That’s when I knew something wasn’t right.”

Police say they sent undercover officers to the school on Tuesday before football practice was scheduled to begin. The team had been meeting all summer, continuing practices even though school ended in late June, to stay in shape for what the school said they hoped would be a “terrific year” for Linden Junior High School sports.

“This arrest has marred what we hoped could be another winning season,” said assistant principal Joseph Goldsmith. “It’s a shame that this was going on right under our noses, and we never knew it.”

Carl Allen Byers, the school’s English teacher and coach of the football team, was taken in to custody immediately after undercover officers spotted him giving the drug to players.

Byers told officers, “I didn’t know it was wrong. I was just trying to give them a boost of energy.”

Arrested in connection with the incident was William Duncan, who was charged with delivery of a controlled substance in a drug-free zone. Duncan has bonded out of jail, according to McWaters.

Duncan was picked up in the parking lot of Mae Luster Stephens Junior High School. Linden is about 40 miles southwest of Texarkana, Texas.

McWaters also says officers found drugs in the coach’s truck. The investigation is ongoing.

Scientific Study Confirms Weight Loss Via ‘Digestive Meditation’

Posted on August 2, 2014 by AlabamaWhitman

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

With obesity on the rise and absurd diets swarming the market like wildfire, health and wellness specialist Dr. Mark Wildstein and neurologist Dr. Shawn Plutchetzky, conducted a study to see if the brain was powerful enough to control weight loss and weight distribution merely by concentration and will-power. The results of the test, released in the Boston Medical Journal on July 30th, were astounding

“The brain is the most complex organ in the human body. It controls sight, smell, taste, hearing, and physical movement,” said Wildstein. “It gives us the power to imagine, to think, and to act. Everyone thought what we were doing was a joke. We firmly believe in the power of the mind, and now we have a study that shows just how right we are.”

The study was conducted over the course of six months with two separate groups of 30 subjects. The first group consisted of females, between 130-133 lbs. Half of the women were in a controlled environment where they slept 8 hours per day, exercised equally at zero to low intensity, and were fed 3 times per day. The other half of the group was not in a controlled environment, and asked to maintain their regular eating, sleeping, and exercise habits. For some participants this constituted zero physical activity, as they were asked to continue life as normal. The second study of 3o subjects was conducted in the same manner, but with male participants between 170-173 lbs.

“We did our research and carefully chose 60 subjects to take part in our study. Our goal was to achieve a group of individuals that was near identical, in terms of eating and exercise habits, sleep patterns, and so forth. We had to eliminate all variables possible.”

The subjects were educated on how the brain and body function prior to the study. Each subject was directed to participate in ‘digestive meditation’ by lying down after each meal to think about the food they just ate, and visualizing how their body was digesting it. Wildstein and Plutchetzky believe that by reliving each bite in the imagination and thinking about how the food is being broken down inside the body, it allows the brain to control where it stores fat and nutrients, if at all. The subjects focused all of their energy on where they’d like the fat from each particular meal to gather on their bodies, or if they wanted it to at all. Most participants, they said, chose to just “flush the fat” from their bodies.

“I lost weight in my mid-section and I gained a cup size!” said Kim Sherbert, who was amazed at what happened to her body over the course of the study. “My husband and I are unbelievably happy. And I can’t wait to show off my new body at the beach. Just in time for the end of summer! I just couldn’t believe it was as easy as it was.”

“I’m Brazilian, but I always had a tiny butt, and I was very self-conscious of it,” said Bianca Souza, another test subject. “Throughout the study, I noticed my butt was beginning to fill out and become more round. My waist stayed tiny. I’m just in complete awe. The hardest part was not falling asleep during the digestive meditation. But I worked really hard at thinking about it, and I’m proof that applying yourself pays off! I’m so thankful to them!”

According to Wildstein, all but two of the subjects achieved their desired body goals.

“The study was a major success, and overall seems to prove the Doctor’s dietary motto of ‘If you think it, you can achieve it,'” said Wildstein. “We are extremely pleased with how everything turned out, and I think our subjects are, too!”

“We wanted to prove the brain could control weight loss, and distribution, without any physical or dietary influence,” says Plutchetzky. “I believe, without a doubt, that we accomplished this.”

Priscilla Presley To Release Nude Photos Of Herself And Elvis In Revised Autobiography

Posted on August 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

MEMPHIS, Tennessee –

Early this morning Priscilla Presley, the 69 year-old widow of the one and only Elvis Presley, announced through her publicist, Catherine Rigsby, that she would be re-releasing her autobiography ‘Elvis And Me,’ to include several new chapters and never-before-seen photographs of her and The King.

“Priscilla felt as if she did not fulfill the desires of Elvis Presley fans with the first release of her autobiography ‘Elvis And Me’. After years of consideration, she has decided to re-release the already wonderfully written memoir with added stories and accounts of her life with Elvis.” Rigsby told a room of selected reporters.

In the original ‘Elvis and Me’, released in 1985 and written with ghostwriter Sandra Harmon, she told stories of how Elvis loved taking nude photos of the couple together with a Polaroid camera, many of which were of a pornographic nature. In their press conference this morning, Rigsby also announced that there would, indeed, be several of these “adult oriented” photographs published in the new release of her book.

“Along with a deeper look into their personal lives behind closed doors, [Priscilla] feels that it is the right thing to release these photos to the fans of Elvis Presley,” said Rigsby. “Many of the photographs will be included in a chapter of the book which is named ‘Elvis Didn’t Just Belong To Me, He Belonged To All Women.’ When she got to writing this portion of the book, she felt the only thing to do was to open up to the world and expose all, literally. She is very excited to offer the most loyal fans in the world this amazing opportunity.”

The book, titled ‘Elvis and Me: Exposed’ is slated to hit shelves on December 9th with 5,000 limited edition copies which will include another amazing, sacred gift for Elvis diehards – one free pass to tour the historic Graceland mansion, with VIP access, which includes a very rare opportunity for fans to go up the stairs and into Elvis’s sacred bedroom which has always been off-limits to public tours.

“Presley Enterprises have decided to offer this incredible VIP package for the consumers of the limited edition release of 5,000, which not only includes never before offered VIP access throughout Graceland and Elvis’s bedroom, but these copies of the book will also be bound by a gold-plated hardback cover and individually signed by Priscilla. They will also come with original, 8×10 photos that were signed by Elvis before he died, and uncovered during a recent cleaning of his personal belongings. We know the release of this material is sure to cause some controversy, but the story is finally being told by Priscilla the way she wants the world to hear it, completely uncensored. There will be a book signing tour once the second-edition is released. Release date for the second edition will be one week after the limited edition release date on December 16th.” Rigsby told the press.

Priscilla Presley, who did not attend the press conference, will make several television appearances in the week leading up to the limited-edition release date. There is also talk of the release of an Elvis album, featuring various live performances in 1955 and 1956 which are said to be enhanced to meet optimum listening standards, but official word on the album has not yet been released by Presley’s estate.

Man Uses Crowd Funding Website To Get ‘Ransom’ For Cat

Posted on August 2, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BROOKLYN, New York –

An unknown man has created a Kickstarter page where he claims he is holding a stray cat for ransom. The anonymous page went up to the Kickstarter website, which has its offices in Brooklyn, New York, on Thursday morning, with the goal of “I Won’t Kill This F—— Cat.”

The Kickstarter page features a man, his face blurred out, holding a gun to the head of a cat. The anonymous man has posted that if he doesn’t hit his goal of $60,000, then he is going to shoot the cat in the face and post a video of it online.

“There are no perks with this Kickstarter,” the page says. “You send me money. I don’t care if it’s a dollar or a thousand dollars. You’ll all get the same perk – and that perk is saving the life of this cat. If I don’t hit my goal, then I’m going to shoot this cat, film it, and post it online. Then everyone who saw this post, or heard about it, and didn’t donate any money, can know they had a hand it murdering an animal.”

According to Kickstarter, they are keeping the page up while they work with members of the FBI to track down the individual who posted the page. At this time, they are not sure if the page is a legitimate threat towards the animal, or if it is someone trying to capitalize on the fact that no one wants to see an innocent animal harmed, and may be willing to fork over their own money to make sure it doesn’t happen.

“It’s entirely possible it’s all a joke, and he’d never hurt the animal. He may just want to score easy money,” says Aaron Silver, lead investigator for the FBI’s Animal Crimes and Abuse unit. “At this time, though, we are treating it as if he is being serious, and working hard to track down the poster.”

Representatives for Kickstarter could not be reached for comment, but a person at their offices ask that all inquiries about the anonymous account or the page itself be directed to the FBI as they investigate.

“Kickstarter has been used for some good things,” said Silver. “We’ve seen great technology and even great movies get made with crowd funding. Granted, we’ve also seen a man collect almost $50,000 to make potato salad, but in the end this sort of ‘come-together-with money’ attitude can be great. Unfortunately, it can also be used by sickos who are preying on the internet population, hoping for an easy payday, notoriety, or both.”

At the time of this writing, the Kickstarter page had only managed to earn $27.

U.S. Government Announces Plans To Sell Statue of Liberty

Posted on August 2, 2014 by JP

LIBERTY ISLAND, New York –

One of the most iconic figures in the history of the United States will be put up for auction this fall, say representatives from the White House. The Statue of Liberty is being put up for sale after congress has deemed it as “luxury” item that the state of New York, and the government itself, cannot continue to afford to maintain.

The decision was made after several other countries made actual offers on Lady Liberty. After determining that the offers were legitimate, and seeing the astonishing amounts that were being offered, President Obama met with his cabinet and they decided that it would be an easy way to put an ‘injection into the heart of the economy.’

Since October 28, 1886, the statue has stood proudly in place and gave new immigrants to America hope, welcoming them to their new life. The people of France gave the Statue to the people of the United States over one hundred years ago in recognition of the friendship established during the American Revolution.

It appears that friendship has a price after all, though. Representatives from the French government have yet to give a statement on their thoughts about the sale, but financial advisors and lawyers for the government in France are working on making sure they receive a portion of the profit that America makes when selling it.

Ticket sales for The Statue of Liberty tour are happening now, with everyone still being able to gain admittance until the date is announced for the sale. President Obama has urged everyone who has not seen the Statue in person to try to make it to Liberty Island ‘as soon as possible.’

“This is a piece of history, absolutely,” said President Obama. “We want all Americans to be able to see Lady Liberty, her majestic beauty, up close before it is too late. Ticket sales will help in the cost of dismantling the statue from her base for her eventual move to the country of her buyer.”

Serial Prison Escapee Diagnosed With Restless Leg Syndrome; Lawyer Asks For Leniency

Posted on August 1, 2014 by DvanL

BAYPORT, Minnesota –

Four-time prison escapee Robert Tuck, nicknamed “Hoppin’ Rob,” was diagnosed by prison doctors with Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) after a fifth prison escape attempt proved futile.

Currently housed at the Minnesota Correctional Facility in Stillwater, Tuck was captured near the main entrance by prison guards, who observed suspicious movements exhibited by the inmate near the facility’s main security fence.

“He was jumping up and down by the main gate,” said Alan Trimble, Director of Security at Stillwater. “At first I thought he was having a kind of seizure or throwing a fit, so I called the prison doctor right away to come take a look at him.”

“It was during our outdoor exercise period and I thought I could get away with it just this once more,” remarked Tuck from the prison infirmary. “I had the opportunity so I thought I’d go for it, but now they got me all chained up here to a bed, even though the doc says it’s not good for me with the condition they told me I have.”

As it turned out, prison medical staff discovered Tuck was suffering from more than just a compulsion to escape confinement; he was diagnosed with RLS, a condition the National Institutes of Health describes as “a nervous system disorder marked by unpleasant sensations affecting the legs.” Symptoms of RLS include spontaneous leg movements, occasional cramping and a constant urge to get up and move around.

“I always thought it was maybe something medical,” said Tuck, “because ever since I was a kid, what I did was to steal things and run away a lot, which is got me in trouble in the first place.”

Tuck’s attorney, Charles Burbridge, is currently examining whether a defense of “RLS Impairment Disorder” can be mounted, with the hope that Tuck, currently serving 5 – 7 years for burglary, would be eligible to receive a reduced sentence and possible transfer to a supervised medical facility.

“If my client could be treated fairly and like a free-range inmate,” explained Burbridge, “he would be able to walk the yard a few more hours a day as part of his therapy. I believe this will reduce his impulse to escape, and make him a better person in the long run.”

For the time being, Tuck remains confined to his infirmary bed and is reportedly in good spirits. “I have high hopes,” said Tuck, while giving the “thumbs up” gesture despite his handcuffs.

Man Arrested At Airport With 30 Pounds of Heroin In His Anus

Posted on July 31, 2014 by JP

SPRINGFIELD, Illinois –

A resident of Springfield, Illinois was arrested Wednesday morning after police caught the man attempting to smuggle drugs on to an airplane. The arrest took place at Abraham Lincoln Capital Airport, and employees there are reportedly in shock over the events.

The gentleman under custody is Christopher Nowkuvski, and he is being charged with drug possession, trafficking, and a several misdemeanor charges. The arresting officer claims he has never seen anything like this before, and said that he found it ‘hilarious’ that the culprit thought he could squeeze his way by security.

According to police reports, Nowkuvski had almost 30 pounds of heroin inserted in his anus, in what police are saying was a failed attempt to get it on the plane bound for Canada. Unfortunately for Nowkuvski, he didn’t make it very far through security before being stopped and questioned.

“He came into the airport sweating and limping, as if he was dying. We knew something was up from the get-go,” said Joe Goldsmith, a security guard for the airport. “I asked him if he needed medical help, and he nervously laughed, claiming he was fine and just needed to get on the plane. He began to walk towards his gate, and from behind I noticed little balloons begin to fall from the leg of his pants.”

Once he was in custody, Nowkuvski claimed he had no idea how the drugs got into his anus. Officers at the scene gave him a full cavity search, which took nearly 3 full hours. The final bag was lodged so far inside him, that it was almost reaching his intestines.

“It was insane, it wouldn’t stop coming out. After 10 bags we were in awe to how he even got it up there, then once we began to get into the hundreds all bets were off,” said Goldsmith. “It’s definitely one for the record books. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I surely never would have believed it.”

If convicted, Nowkuvski could face up to 30 years in prison for trafficking.

Tennessee Woman Sues Her Husband For Getting Her Pregnant

Posted on July 31, 2014 by JP

JACKSON, Tennessee –

A trial is set for a new lawsuit filed last week after a wife decided to sue her husband of 15 years after he got her pregnant. Tracy Smith, a resident of Jackson, is taking her husband Carl to court after he accidentally got her pregnant. The case is not about rape, but rather an alleged action of ‘personal neglect,’ after Smith’s husband promised not to get her pregnant.

“He told me he wouldn’t get me pregnant, but here we are and I’m pissed,” said Smith. “I love the man to death, but this is serious neglect on his part, and he will pay for what he has done to me!”

The lawsuit was filed on Tuesday, but Smith’s husband and his lawyer don’t think that the judge will take this case too seriously.

“This is a very strange case, and to be honest my client shouldn’t be fined or charged for something some people would kill for,” said Harvey Feinstein, the defendant’s lawyer. “It takes at least two people to perform intercourse, and each party should be responsible for their safety and well-being. If Mrs. Smith didn’t want to get pregnant, there were many ways that she could have taken her own precautions against it. Relying solely on her husband to wear a condom or to pull-out is just ridiculous.”

Attorneys for both sides are set to make their opening arguments to the judge on August 5th. Mrs. Smith is seeking damages in the amount of $25,000, and if she wins her case, the money cannot come from their joint account.

Carl Smith has denied to comment on what he calls ‘the stupidest thing that’s happened to him since he got married in the first place.’

Jimmy Fallon Fired From The ‘Tonight Show’ After Feud With NBC Executives; Will Jay Leno Return?

Posted on July 30, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

In February of 2014, Jimmy Fallon’s debut of the Tonight Show on NBC’s network engaged 11.3 million viewers, making it the most viewed late-night show in years. Less than one year later, CEO of NBC Steve Burke announced today that Fallon’s inability to get along with his crew and the NBC executives has shockingly cost him his job as late night’s most coveted television host.

Earlier today in the announcement that seemed to shock the entire country, Burke explained that what viewers see on their televisions is the polar opposite of the man who Fallon was to the hard-working Tonight Show crew. There have been several rumors of verbal abuse and tantrums by Fallon, none of which anyone outside of the show seemed to believe. However, earlier this week, things apparently boiled over when Fallon was confronted by NBC executives Bob Greenblatt and Mark Lazarus.

“Out of respect to all involved in the ugly dispute, no details of the feud will be released publicly. We at NBC are as shocked as all of our loyal viewers. Ratings were higher than ever, it seemed like a match made in heaven from a viewer prospective, but what you did not see is the unprofessional demeanor which occurred behind the scenes.” Burke said, in an obviously shell-shocked and seemingly deflated manner.

Rumors began to circulate in just the past couple of weeks when it was uttered around the famed GE Building, which houses the new Tonight Show set, that Fallon had become extremely and verbally violent to his writing staff. One personal assistant, who asked to not to be named, told press members that Fallon had, on several occasions, said that she would be much more suited to ‘flip burgers at McDonald’s’ than to work for someone of his stature after she accidentally put mayonnaise on his sandwich instead of Miracle Whip. The story was buried by executives until others started to notice a change in Fallon’s demeanor. The writers’ meeting room, where Fallon met with his show writers every day, had become laden with several holes in the drywall due to Fallon’s explosive temper.

When Burke was asked about what happens next, he seemed as unsure as the stunned reporter that asked him.

“At this point, we have no idea who will replace Jimmy. We are still trying to soak in this terrible outcome. We simply do not have that answer.” Burke said. When asked about the chances Jay Leno returning, Burke simply replied, “I cannot answer that question. I cannot say its a possibility and I cannot say no. We never fathomed such events to transpire.”

His comments seemed to have led reporters to think that there would indeed be a meeting with Leno lined up. One reporter, Tanya Brown of the Hollywood Insider, asked Burke about the chances of Seth Myers stepping in for a sudden promotion.

“Such a promotion to an unproven, yet potentially brilliant late night talk show host, is very unlikely. We liked Seth where he is and intend to keep him there.” Burke said adamantly.

When asked about programming in the meantime, Burke commented that after this Friday, the show would go into rerun cycles. He also stated that NBC and Fallon had agreed to finish out the broadcasts for the week as if nothing at all has happened, and that there would be no on-air announcements or reactions, and that Fallon was bound by contract to not comment or even hint to the situation.