NSAC To Start Requiring Drug Testing For MMA Announcers and Owners

Posted on July 25, 2014 by Jon Smith

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

In an effort to crack down on what has recently become the rampant use of performance enhancing drugs in mixed martial arts, the Nevada State Athletic Commission sent out a press release outlining their new rules requiring drug testing for all mixed martial arts organization owners and announcers.

With the recent negative press received by the positive results from former UFC fighter Chael Sonnen and the ban of Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT), the NSAC isn’t taking any more chances that their reputation will be dragged through the mud, not to mention the tarnish a scandal would cause the sport as a whole.

“We aren’t messing around anymore,” said Terry McCall, long-serving member of the NSAC. “MMA is a huge money-maker for the state and there are a lot of people looking at us to lead the way. There is no way they are going to drag us in front of a congressional committee like we’re baseball.”

The news of the mandatory drug testing has not been received well, particularly by UFC announcer and marijuana/psychedelic mushrooms/kettlebell advocate Joe Rogan or UFC owner Lorenzo Fertitta.

While Fertitta hasn’t had nearly the same level of exposure as UFC president Dana White or Rogan, he has recently taken to wearing Ed Hardy style shirts and rocking some massive arms.

The billionaire Fertitta, while barely five feet tall, has been seen in several Instagram photos and UFC weigh-ins showing off some massive steroid-looking jacked arms as well.

“It’s crazy,” said a fan at a recent event. “His forearms look like a pack of hotdogs. He looks like the white CT Fletcher.”

Rogan, ever-levelheaded and pragmatic, took to his Joe Rogan Experience podcast, blissfully bumping another Brendan Shaub interview to address the new ruling.

“Weed is not a performance enhancer and for the commission to say that an announcer, who isn’t even competing in an athletic capacity needs to be tested is just ridiculous.” Rogan then went on to discuss his years competing in Taekwondo and when he showed Georges St. Pierres his spinning side kick.

The NSAC did admit that not one single person on the board was able to look at UFC President Dana White and think for even a second that he could be using PEDs, and that he seemed way too high-strung for a habitual weed smoker.

At time of publication, the NSAC has not yet determined what the penalty for a failed test will be, but it has been suggested that it could result in a banning from the sport. Generally speaking, it seems that not a single fan of MMA cares one way or the other, as long as the UFC finally puts on an entertaining card.

Porcelain Dolls Resembling Abducted Children Appearing On Doorsteps Of Parents

Posted on July 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN CLEMENTE, California –

Over the last several weeks, parents of children who have been abducted and yet-to-be found have been coming home to a disturbing sight; porcelain dolls resembling their children are tucked into baskets and left on their doorsteps. So far, 8 families have come home to a doll being placed at their door.

“It was extremely unnerving and frightening,” said Kathleen Davidson, the mother of a young girl, Natalie, who was abducted from their home last Easter. “We never found our daughter. The case is still open, but police more or less gave up. We came home last Monday and there was something in front of our door. When I got closer, I noticed it was a doll. I thought perhaps a neighbor’s child had been playing in our yard and left it, but when I picked it up, it gave me such a jolt to discover it looked identical to Natalie. It was even wearing an Easter dress just like the one she was wearing when she was taken.”

Davidson says that she called the police, but initially they ‘weren’t interested.’

“They sent an officer out, and he didn’t really have anything to say about it. They basically just assumed it was a coincidence,” said Davidson.

Over the next several days, other families of abducted children began to receive dolls at their homes as well. Police had already begun a full-scale investigation by the time the fourth call came in.

“We are embarrassed by the fact that we didn’t begin an investigation into the matter sooner,” said Captain Michael Lambert. “We started receiving numerous calls from families who had a doll left at their home. All the families have children that have been abducted, and none of those children have been found. The cases of the missing children range from the late 1980s until the present. One of the families had their child taken only a few short months ago. We are investigating the situation of the dolls to see if they have any connection to the person or persons who may be involved in the abductions.”

So far, police have no new leads on any of the open abduction cases, and are asking anyone with information to call their local police department.

Move Over OctoMom: California Woman Pregnant With 10 Babies

Posted on July 25, 2014 by JP

SAN DIEGO, California –

Years ago a woman by the name of Nadya Denise Doud-Suleman shocked the world when she became pregnant with 8 children. The news of her pregnancy brought on a lot of attention, and people were in disbelief that something like that could actually happen to a human being.

With her pregnancy and birth of the children, fame hit for a solid 15 minutes for the nicknamed OctoMom as she had paparazzi following her around, deals with television networks, and even contract offers worth millions for an adult film.

Get ready to be shocked again, World, because after a recent ultrasound on a San Diego, California woman, doctors officially say that OctoMom’s record has been broken, as a patient at the San Diego Medical Center is pregnant with 10 babies.

Reports surfaced after a doctor confirmed that he has heard 10 separate heartbeats after a routine ultrasound. The mother has yet to be named per her request.

“It is an incredibly dangerous scenario this women is facing, and she isn’t taking the situation lightly” said Doctor Harold Reed, an obstetrician at San Diego Medical Center. “When first examining her I thought that the equipment I was using was faulty, but after several test and diagnoses, it is clear that she is pregnant with 10 babies.”

Doctor Reed went on to say that, unfortunately, the chances of all the children surviving and being born healthy are slim.

“Our patient is aware that this is a severely rare situation,” said Reed. “She is about 5 months along at this moment, and we have actually agreed to keep her here, under our watchful care, to try to best make sure that her babies can be born with the least amount of risk to both her health, and the health of her unborn children.”

Dr. Reed said that currently the woman is doing fine, and has been made very aware of her circumstances. She is due to give birth at the beginning of December.

Seth Rogen, James Franco Taken Into Protective Custody Following Threats From North Korea Over New Movie

Posted on July 24, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

FORT MEADE, Maryland –

Actors Seth Rogen and James Franco have been taken into protective custody by the NSA following a second formal letter from North Korea Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un was sent to the White House regarding the upcoming Hollywood film The Interview. The action comedy portrays a fictional attempt by the CIA to assassinate Kim Jong-un, and stars Rogen and James Franco as a hapless TV film crew given the task to kill the leader.

North Korea has lodged the letter, which is the second thus far, to formally complain about the film. In the letter, officials from the National Defense Commission stated that the plot insults and undermines the leadership of Kim Jong-un and that they insist the film be prohibited from release by President Obama. Several threats were made in the first and second letters, and even resorted to racial slurs aimed at The President, along with threats of “retaliation” if the movie is released.

It remains unclear the exact reasons Rogen and Franco were taken into custody, but White House Press Secretary John Earnest briefly addressed what was originally thought to only be a rumor as true.

“I can confirm that Seth Rogen and James Franco were taken into custody as a result of the latest threats coming out of North Korea as a safety precaution, that is all that can be said about the matter at this time,” said Earnest. When asked if the movie, which is slated to be released October 10th, would still see the light of day he stated “I cannot comment on the dealings with the film studio at this time. I can say it is a particularly delicate situation, and all measures are being taken to protect all involved and resolve the issue in the appropriate fashion.”

Columbia Pictures, who is set to distribute the film, has not given any further information on the release, only saying that “As of now, The Interview is still set to be released in theaters across the United States October 10th. Obviously things are being worked out, what that entails is unknown at this time,” said Columbia Executive Amy Pascal.

Wal-Mart Bans Girls Scouts From Selling Cookies In Front of Stores

Posted on July 24, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

Wal-Mart stores have announced this morning that they will no longer be allowing members of any Girl Scout troops to sell cookies in front of their stores, claiming that Girl Scout Cookies directly compete with their own ‘Great Value’ brand of cookies.

“We, as a company, have decided to no longer allow the Girl Scouts of America to sell their cookies in front of our establishments,” said Douglas Mcmillon, President and CEO of Wal-Mart Stores, INC. “We at Wal-Mart sell our own line of baked snack foods, including several cookie flavors that the Girl Scouts also sell. We have come to the decision that they are a competing brand, and management at all locations has been informed to deny permission to any troops looking to sell at their stores.”

Wal-Mart has been allowing Girl Scout troops to set up tables and sell their cookies in front of stores for decades. Suddenly and abruptly pulling their permission has come as a shock to many parents of young Girl Scout members, many of whom say they will boycott the company completely.

“I cannot believe that they would do something like this to our girls,” said Mary Lambert, a mother of 2 girls in the Scout program. “We have been going to our local Wal-Mart and selling cookies together as a group for the last 3 years. This is an outrage. If they think I’m going to buy their stupid cookies, they are dead wrong. I won’t buy anything there anymore!”

“We understand that people are going to be upset,” said Mcmillon. “There isn’t much we can do to change that. They sell Caramel Delites, we sell Caramel Fudge and Coconut Cookies. They sell Thin Mints, we sell Chocolate Mint Wafer Cookies. It’s about the Scouts stealing money from us, and we can’t have that. You don’t see Coca-Cola parked in front of Pepsi retailers selling their sodas, do you?”

Although not as numerous in locations as Wal-Mart, big box retailer K-Mart has stepped up to the plate, offering their locations as selling points for all Girl Scout troops.

“We don’t sell our own brand of cookies. To be honest, we don’t sell much of anything,” said Patricia Miller, president of Sears Holdings, the parent company of K-Mart. “All Girl Scout troops are more than welcome to block our entryways to sell their delicious cookies.”

Curiously, Wal-Mart has not banned the Boy Scouts of America from selling their popcorn tins in front of their locations. Parents of several Girl Scout members think it’s less about money, and more about sexism.

“Wal-Mart is known for being horrible to their workers, and being downright abysmal to their female employees,” said Lambert. “We think this is just more sexism from the biggest company in the world. They’re banning our girls, but the boys can shill their popcorn ’til the cows come home.”

Several troop leaders, as well as many groups of parents throughout the country, have initiated a boycott of Wal-Mart stores. At the time of this writing, Wal-Mart representative could not be reached for further comment.

George W. Bush Arrested for Cocaine Possession

Posted on July 24, 2014 by JP

DALLAS, Texas –

One of the most notorious Presidents in history of The United States of America is back in the spotlight, but not because of his politics. George W. Bush was arrested in a Dallas suburb late Tuesday evening after a routine traffic stop uncovered over an ounce of cocaine in his glove compartment.

Dallas police say they pulled over Bush after he made a right turn without signaling. Officers report they were surprised when seeing it was the ex-president, but felt something was off about his behavior. They say Bush seemed under the influence of a narcotic, and the officers on-scene asked to search the car. Curiously, Bush consented, and police found the narcotics.

“We pulled over the truck and were about to write a simple traffic ticket and things escalated fast,” said officer Charles Cane, a veteran officer with the Dallas Police Department. “At first my partner and I were stunned with who was in the truck ,and [Bush] began to crack jokes and asked if we wanted to take a picture with him. I noticed he was sniffling quite a bit and the glaze on his eyes screamed that the was under the influence.”

Cane said that once the officers uncovered the cocaine, Bush tried to bribe them to keep from getting arrested. When that failed, he turned to threats and rambling, reportedly saying that he would ‘get the FBI to kick their a–‘ and that ‘Presidents can break any laws they want.’

“I broke so many laws when I was in office, and I didn’t see you coming to try to arrest me then!” Bush shouted at police officers. “I’ve been doing coke for decades! I used to blow lines out of a Skull & Bones in New Haven tittie bars when you were making nice in your diapers, kid. You just want your name in the papers next to mine.”

“It was a tough arrest to make, but I didn’t become a police officer to make easy decisions. He begged me over and over to let it slide, then he offered me money, then he called me an ass—-, but that is the way the law goes. We don’t offer special treatment to anyone in Dallas. I don’t care who you are.”

Representatives for Bush have yet to comment, but bail was set at $5,000 and posted immediately. Bush spent less than 6 hours in a holding cell before being released.

Body Found Under Motel Bed, Police Say It Has Been There At Least 5 Years

Posted on July 24, 2014 by JP

MOUNT LAUREL, New Jersey –

Stunning news this morning out of New Jersey, as reports of police discovering the body of a young woman under a motel bed have been confirmed. The owners of the motel asked that their name and location be omitted from news reports to protect their business.

The body, which has yet to be identified, was found by a person staying in the room.

“I dropped the television remote, and when I went to check under the bed I found her. It was like something out of a scary movie,” said Aaron Silver, the man staying in the room.

According to initial reports by the medical examiner on-scene, it appears as though the body lay undisturbed in the room for about 5 years. There was a normal amount of rot and decay on the body to suggest that it had not been moved or touched over the course of that time.

The motel has not made a comment about the issue but have told police that they are constantly cleaning their rooms and have no idea how this could have slipped beneath the cracks.

“I clean that room every day. I noticed a smell several times, and told my manager,” said Anita Rodriguez, a housekeeper at the motel. “He told me to just use extra Febreeze in the room and it would go away eventually. I always hated cleaning that room.”

Motel representatives say that all their rooms are cleaned daily, but that it is not the policy of the company to make their housekeepers check under the beds.

“They do a heavy clean of the rooms to sanitize for guests, but when it comes to under the beds, they just run the vacuum around the edges. Who really looks under the bed, anyway? No reason to waste anyone’s time,” said Charles Dyson, a representative of the motel chain.

“It’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “I’ve seen a lot of strange things in my time on the force, but to think about all the people who’ve stayed in this room, with a dead body beneath them, and they didn’t know about it? It gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

Police have seized room and occupant records for the last several years, and are trying to trace the person or persons who may have stayed in the room around the time of death.

“Funny thing is, the records also show literally almost 1,000 complaints from people who stayed in the room over the years. Everything from a bad smell to an ‘eerie feeling.’ Several people even asked to switch rooms in the middle of the night,” said Goldsmith. “The motel really should have checked out that room a little more closely.”

The body of the young woman is set for autopsy at the end of the week.

5-Year-Old Finds Human Finger In His McDonald’s Happy Meal

Posted on July 23, 2014 by JP

MONTPELIER, Vermont –

One of the biggest fast food restaurants in the world will be facing yes another lawsuit that could potentially take a huge chunk from the their bank account. McDonald’s is under the spotlight after a 5-year-old boy discovered a human finger in his Happy Meal earlier this week.

The Happy Meal was purchased at a location in Montpelier, Vermont, and employees there are baffled to how something like this happened under what store management claims is a ‘tightly run ship.’

“I can’t believe that something like this happened. I have no idea how it could have,” said Dan Green, manager of the McDonald’s location where the finger was allegedly found. “I’ve literally checked all my employees hands, and all of them still have their fingers, so we believe that are restaurant wasn’t the cause of the problem. Either the finger came from further up the industrial ladder, or the family themselves planted it in the meal.”

To add to the confusion, it wasn’t until hours after the Happy Meal was purchased that the local mother, Erica Silver, came back in, causing an uproar about it. The item was purchased in the drive-thru of the McDonald’s, and Goldsmith claims she had no idea that the finger was in there until she noticed her son was sucking on something.

“I handed it to my son in the back seat, as I always do, and he ate his nuggets and apple slices,” said Silver. “When we got home, I noticed that he was sucking on something. I thought at first it was an apple slice, but I screamed in horror when I pulled it out of his mouth to discover it was a finger!”

Silver’s son, Mark, was taken to the emergency room where he was checked for possible diseases or infection, and to Silver’s relief, they found no issues.

“They are lucky that he didn’t get sick from sucking that finger,” said Silver. “That does not excuse the fact, though, that they need better management of their food and what goes into the containers. You can bet that I’m going to be speaking to my attorney about this.”

McDonald’s corporation has denied comment on the matter, pending an internal investigation.

Over the years, many people have claimed to find disturbing things in their McDonald’s means, including teeth, band-aids, hair, bits of plastic, and even bits of trash. This marks the first time the company has been accused of letting a finger slip through the cracks and into a meal container.

Lindsay Lohan Blames Poor Life Decisions On Zsa Zsa Gabor

Posted on July 23, 2014 by Mange

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Once again in the news for having managed to last months without a drug arrest, Lindsay Lohan is fighting back against detractors by explaining that her crash-course career descent is the result of “really not paying enough attention to Zsa-Zsa Gabor,” and the steps the screen legend set for herself in Hollywood decades ago.

“I remember, ya know, being so star-struck with her glamour over Zsa Zsa, and how she didn’t pay attention things like social conventions,” said Lohan. “I just thought being young and hot and famous I couldn’t get arrested in Hollywood if I followed in her footsteps, but I kept getting arrested. Sooooo, I figured I had to keep trying to break laws and not get in trouble. I guess I’m not very good at this, huh?”

Lohan, who started in her career as a Disney protegé and made a name for herself acting in teen comedies like Mean Girls, is no stranger to controversy. Despite numerous arrests for driving under the influence, drug possession, driving with a suspended license, skipping bail, hit-and-run, assault, violating probation, failing drug tests, theft, and bio-weapons trafficking, the young actress is constantly trying to clean up her act, which she now attributes to an over-abundance of star-worship for her idol.

“I was so sure this was how to get famous, get people to notice me in Tinseltown. That is what they call Hollywood, right? I mean, anyways, this was a long road to get fame, but I think I’ve made everyone close to me proud of the effort I made to get here. It’s not just about acting and posing and dressing, sometimes fame and fortune really is about throwing a drink at someone’s head or letting other people put cocaine in my pockets.”

Lohan fanatics are at a loss to guess what the next arrestable offense she’ll come up with might be, but Vegas betting houses have been hungry to put odds on any offense they can come up with, regardless of how ridiculous or how many times LiLo has been arrested for it before.

“Remember that photo of her pouting over a plate of cocaine?” asked Vegas casino pit boss Franky Viggittolliotto. “We knew that one was coming. I guess from the size of that ski slope, me and the boys ain’t the only ones who bought new houses off that photo. Eh? Eh?”

The future, however, is uncertain for Lohan. As her legal penalties mount, her punishments will become more and more severe. The young celebrity may have to turn to plans that include a higher positive public profile, charity causes, or even beginning to act again in order to recover her slice of the limelight.

“I guess not getting arrested in Hollywood was a silly goal, but I did my best to live in the shadow Zsa Zsa left behind in this world,” Lohan mused, pausing before adding “Wait, Zsa Zsa is dead already, right? ”

Derek Jeter Cancels Retirement, Signs 3-Year Contract With Boston Red Sox

Posted on July 23, 2014 by JP

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

The franchise player Derek Jeter is sure to disappoint every New York Yankee fan in the world after deciding not to retire after this baseball season. One of their star players for years, Jeter has signed a multi-year deal with Yankees rival the Boston Red Sox.

According to sources, Boston has been eyeing the possibility of picking up Jeter since he announced he would retire after this year, his 20th season in the MLB. Reportedly, the deal will make him an additional $25 million a year for the 3 years of his contract.

Reports have confirmed that Jeter and his agents have agreed to the terms of the contract, and Jeter is signing on the dotted line Wednesday evening.

Rumors swirled across the league that the Red Sox sent Jeter an offer during the all-star break, but insiders say they didn’t believe that Jeter would be interested. After 20 years in baseball, the game has taken its toll on Jeter, and he reportedly was looking forward to giving up the game. Once Jeter’s lawyers got their hands on the contract, they persuaded him to take the deal.

“It was great to have Derek on the team and he has done a lot for this organization and will always be remembered for what he has down for this team,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi. “I don’t know his exact future after this season, but he will not be playing in a Yankee uniform and never will again.”

Fans of both New York and Boston are vehemently against the signing. New York fans consider Jeter a traitor for signing with their biggest rival; Boston fans want nothing to do with the ‘face of the Yankees’ playing for their beloved team.

“The guy is a first-rate jerkoff,” said Burt O’Reilly, a Boston resident and a lifelong fan of the Red Sox. “He comes to our team, takes a wicked huge load of money, and he probably won’t do a damn thing for us. Screw Jeter. We don’t need him playing in Fenway.”

Players across the league have taken to social media to comment on the deal, with tweets being been made by several Yankees players, saying things like “Jeter made an A-Rod Move” and “Years of history will be ruined with one signature.”

So far, Jeter has not commented publicly on his deal. A request for comments from Jeter’s management team was not immediately returned.