Woman Sues Movie Theatre After 12-Year-Old Son Is Admitted To PG-13 Film

Posted on July 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TULSA, Oklahoma –

A mother in Tulsa, Oklahoma is suing the local movie theatre after her 12-year-old son was allowed to purchase a ticket to a PG-13 film without her consent. Mary Lambert, whose son Joe is only 12, says that she dropped her son off at the movie theatre to see the PG-rated film Minions with his friends, but instead they went to see the PG-13 rated film Pixels.

“My son knows that he is not allowed to watch those adult films until next year, and don’t you worry, he’s being punished at home, for sure,” said Lambert. “But someone has to be to blame for letting him into that movie, and that fault lies on the movie theatre itself. These ratings were put into law for a reason, and they’ve broken that law. They are going to pay for the warped mind my son will now have after seeing such adult content.”

“The movie ratings system is not a law, and this woman has no case whatsoever,” said Joe Goldsmith, owner of the Magic Lantern Cinema in Tulsa. “The MPAA, the group that gives these films their ratings, they only created this system to keep people, namely parents, informed about the content. They are not passed into law. Anyone can come in and buy a ticket to see any movie they’d like whenever they like. Our theatre, as well as most, do try and not allow children under 17 into R-rated movies, but that is a policy of our theatre, not a law. Even if the film was NC-17, that’s not law, that’s just a thought.”

Goldsmith is correct in his description of how the ratings system works, but Lambert is not alone in assuming that the MPAA ratings system – G for General Audiences, PG for Parental Guidance Suggest, PG-13 for Parents Strongly Cautioned (May Contain Content Inappropriate for Children Under 13), R for Restricted (Must be 17 or Have A Parent With You in the Theatre) and NC-17 for No Children 17 or Under Allowed – are laws that the movie theatres must follow. Over 85% of movie theatres, both independent and chain-cinemas, follow the rules of not allowing children under 17 to R-rated films, but that’s pretty much the only area the rules are enforced.

“We don’t play NC-17 films, like most movie theatres,” said Goldsmith. “If we did ever play one, we would not let anyone under 18 into that, either. Again, though – not because it’s a law, but because we feel that’s the right thing to do for the parents of this community.”

Lambert has said that she will take the case to the supreme court if necessary, and force them to uphold the MPAA ratings.

“Why make these ratings if you’re not going to enforce what they stand for?” said Lambert. “Why should I have to monitor what my kid watches? Do I actually need to get out of the car, stand in line with him, buy the ticket, and hold his hand all the way into the theatre? My God, next they’ll suggest I actually just watch a movie with him. Obviously these people have no idea that parents just don’t have time to pay that much attention to their kids. I should just expect them to monitor his films for me. He’s 12 – he is not allowed to see PG-13 films. End of story.”

Lambert has brought her case to a local attorney who will be filing the suit against the Magic Lantern at the end of the week.

FOX Broadcasting Company To Launch New Free Adult TV Channel ‘FXXX’

Posted on July 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Fox Broadcasting Company, the driving force behind over-air network FOX, and cable channels FOX HD, FX, and FXX, have announced the first adult TV channel to be broadcast free both as part of a regular cable subscription or streamed online. The new channel, FXXX, will feature hardcore pornographic adult films, as well as short movies and even amateur user-submitted content.

Normally, adult films are broadcast through cable or satellite providers solely as subscription channels, such as the Playboy or Hustler channel, or as on-demand features. FXXX plans to be the first channel to be included, at no extra cost, with every cable content provider in the United States.

“All of the FOX networks, whether they be over-air or pay-cable channels, have always pushed the envelope when it comes to content,” said Dana Walden, Co-Chairman of Fox Broadcasting. “With the launch of FXXX, we can’t push the envelope much further. If FX’s slogan was ‘There Is No Box,’ then FXXX’s slogan is ‘There Are Tons Of Boxes.’ This is going to be hardcore, in-your-face pornography. It will be what the Hustler channel wishes it could be, and it will make the Playboy Channel look like PBS.”

Walden went on to say that the network will also feature online streaming at no additional cost, and that funding for the channel – which will premiere ad-free – will be paid for by specific product placements throughout the films.

“Maybe Harry Longdick wears a Trojan brand condom in one scene, and maybe Tiffani Juggs gets thirsty and reaches for an ice-cold Pepsi in another,” said Walden. “There are plenty of opportunities for product placement in the adult film industry. Hell, we might even be able to get more creative with that Pepsi bottle, now that I’m thinking about it.”

Despite what most people think, there is nothing stopping any channel from showing any content they wish on their cable channels. The FCC, the agency in charge of “policing” the airwaves, does not actually monitor cable or pay channels.

“In fact, we don’t even really monitor over-air channels,” said a representative of the FCC who spoke to us anonymously. “Basically, if someone calls in and complains about something they saw on TV, then we assume that there are at least 1,000 other people who didn’t take the time to call. So if we get, say, 100 calls that Janet Jackson’s breast popped out at the Super Bowl, well then that must be 100,000 people who were offended! That’s how things work at the FCC.”

The FCC doesn’t at all monitor cable channels, but seldom do viewers see any excessive violence, language, or sex aired prior to 10PM.

“The networks like to police themselves. We can show whatever the hell we want, but we don’t want to alienate people,” said Walden. “FXXX will throw that entire concept right out the window, because we’re going to be showing people banging it out all day, every day. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to watch. If your kids watch it, well – they had to learn about reverse cowgirls and rusty trombones someday, right?”

FXXX will launch on all major providers, including Comcast, DirecTV, Dish Network, and Time Warner Cable starting in October.

Bill Gates Files For Chapter 7 Bankruptcy

Posted on July 21, 2014 by JP

SEATTLE, Washington –

One of the richest men to ever walk the planet has fallen on some very hard times lately after sales of some Microsoft flagship products, including the XBox One and the Microsoft Surface, have severely underperformed.

With a net-worth of $76 billion dollars, Bill Gates was thought to be hands-down in great shape finically, but recent reports are that Gates has secretly filed for bankruptcy. News hit the media this morning, and Gates’ accountants and investors are scrambling to figure out where everything went wrong.

He may have some overseas accounts, claim some investors, but nothing is certain at this moment.

A man who single-handedly built, scratched, scraped, and stole to build such a powerful company – and gained a lot of money by doing so – is looking at losing it all. This mean his homes, private helicopters, and perhaps even his company.

A financial advisor, who does not work for Gates, had some theories as to the downfall of such a massive fortune.

“I think it was pretty much all the lousy products they’ve put out in the last couple years,” said Myles Kennefic, a Wall Street financier. “Windows 8, the new video game system, and the Surface Tablet – oh God, the Surface – it’s like Gates couldn’t catch a break. Even putting the Start Menu back into Windows couldn’t save his fortune.”

Microsoft’s stock was apparently unaffected by the announcement. Gates himself didn’t seem to worried, posing for pictures with fans outside of his attorney’s office.

“Minor setback, no big deal,” Said Gates. “I might not have billions of dollars laying around anymore, but I am sure I won’t be going hungry any time soon, don’t worry.”

Food Scientist, Medical Doctors Slam Gluten-Free Diet Fad

Posted on July 21, 2014 by JP

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

A new craze in the United States is gluten-free food items. Over the last few years, gluten-free items have been popping up left and right, and you can’t go to almost any food establishment without running into a menu item that is completely 100% gluten-free. Some people claim that they are so allergic to gluten that it can have the same effects on them as a peanut could to a person with a nut allergy.

In the day and age we live in there are so many different types of diets, supplements, and healthier food items out there it makes you wonder how people survived 60 years ago. With time we have learned that some people are allergic to certain foods such as shell-fish, peanuts, etc, and these allergies can be so serious as to cause death.

A scientist in San Antonio, Texas has found through testing, though, that this is not the case when it comes to gluten.

“I have done endless tests and examination on people who claim to be allergic to gluten,” said food scientist Dr. Phillip Ray. “I did test such as giving my subjects gluten and telling them I didn’t, and nothing ever happened. The funny thing is, when I gave my subject something without gluten, and claimed that it was not gluten-free, that is when they began to have reaction symptoms. I believe that it is all a mental complex, otherwise known as “stupidity,” and people want to believe they are being harmed by something that isn’t hurting them in the slightest. In fact, in case you weren’t aware, most people need gluten in their diets.”

So far, Dr. Ray is the only medical professional to try and make his theory known, publishing it in medical journals and securing spots on daytime talk shows, although most of his claims have already been backed up by medical science ages ago.

“Going ‘gluten-free’ in your diet has absolutely no health or diet benefits, and is a fad that has become commonplace, but really has no merit in the world of dieting,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith, a specialist in allergies and disease. “Most people who lose weight on a gluten-free diet are only doing so because they are normally cutting out breads, wheats, and pastas – things that can, in large portions, cause an unhealthy weight. On the opposing end, though, unless you are extremely careful, a gluten-free diet will lack vitamins, minerals, and fibers your body needs.”

“If you don’t have celiac disease, eat your damn gluten,” said Dr. Ray. “You’re just making yourself look stupid when you go out to a restaurant and ask for a gluten-free menu. The waitress knows you don’t have celiac disease. The kitchen staff knows that you’re just being a picky bitch. You don’t have a wheat allergy. You’re just pretentious. You stop that nonsense immediately.”

Facebook Announces New Design Changes, Massive Overhaul Coming In October

Posted on July 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

MENLO PARK, California –

Facebook users around the world have requested an updated look and more display options for quite some time. Well today, over a billion people were told the news so many have been waiting patiently for – the changes are coming this October. So get prepared to get creative and express yourself, because you will be have plenty of options to do so with the new bells and whistles awaiting those eager fingertips worldwide.

Chairman and CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, excitedly announced earlier today that big changes are in store for Facebook, the social networking giant currently used by 1.28 billion members worldwide.

“Effective October 1, 2014, Facebook users will experience a brand new appearance along with new formats and displays which will allow users to choose by various themes, colors, layouts, and fonts,” said Zuckerberg. “These are features that are users have been requesting for years. Everyone will have the unique ability to arrange their profile pages in a custom setting, one of which is the original layout that included the “wall” concept, which many members insisted was easier to navigate and maintain. You can organize your friends and post them on your pages. You can We want you to have the unrestricted freedom to choose what works best for you and your individual electronic devices.”

Long time users of the site may remember the controversy surrounding the gradual change-over from Facebook Wall design to the current “Timeline” layout. Thousands of complaints flooded Facebook headquarters surrounding the change-up, some account users insisted they simply liked the old way better.

“Music and photography lovers will have the ability to embed photos or their favorite music videos freely upon their profile page,” said Rob Landry, head of design for Facebook. “For the creative, artistic, and photogenic users, in-screen photo editing will be readily available with a vast-array of eccentric and classic special effects, frames, filters, and the essential tools for adjusting and modifying photographs in a timely and efficient, fool-proof manner.”

“We are very excited to offer these options, these changes have been a long time coming and we just wanted to get it right so that the network performs just as smoothly and efficiently as always,” said an upbeat Zuckerberg. “We will be finalizing the new logo as the final step of this incredible and extreme makeover, which will be done in about two weeks. At Facebook we believe in innovation, the freedom of expression, and the most certain individuality of each of our unique Facebook friends, so it only makes sense for us to change things and allow the options to best fit individual needs. With that being said, we can assure, without a doubt that change is good and we believe 1.28 billion users will ultimately, enthusiastically agree on the first day of October. ”

Formula 1 Racer Decapitated After Violent Crash Flips Car

Posted on July 20, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOCKENHEIM, Germany –

Prominent Formula 1 racer Felipe Massa was killed in a crash during the German Grand Prix yesterday when his car became inverted in a horrific crash on the first corner almost immediately after the race began. He was killed instantly during the crash, the extremely poor design of the stock car causing his decapitation.

“It is with a heavy heart that we announce the passing of Felipe Massa in a crash during the Prix yesterday,” said Formula 1 representative Frederic Duerst. “Mr. Massa was a phenomenal driver who unfortunately perished competing in a sport that he loved, that he lived for. We pass our deepest sympathies on to his family, friends, and the rest of his team at Williams Engineering.”

Massa, who had grown up racing go-karts from the age of 8, became a world-class racer in his late teens, winning the European Grand Prix championship title when he was 19. He quickly worked his way up the ranks of racing, it finally being announced that he would join the Williams team alongside world-famous racer Valtteri Bottas.

The race, which was postponed for only a few hours following Massa’s death so his body could be moved and car towed away, was overshadowed by the horrific event. Teammate Bottas, who finished second in the race, was hoping for a victory.

“Felipe was one of the best drivers I’d ever seen, and he was a wonderful teammate and friend,” said Bottas. “He joined us in November of last year, and had a great future ahead of him in this sport. It’s a sad day for us, and a sad day for racing fans everywhere. That being said, though, I kicked some a– out there, huh? Second place? I’ll take it.”

Fans in the stands were both saddened and excited by the crash.

“Everyone comes to these races to see a good crash,” said Hans Uhl, a fan who follows the Mercedes team. “This crash was one of the most spectacular I’ve ever seen. Yes, a man was killed, but it was so cool to see [the car] flying through the air.”

Williams Engineering has said that they have plans to look over the entire vehicle to ensure it was not mechanical malfunction that caused the crash.

“We think it was just a bad day on the track,” said Williams Engineering spokesman David Black. “Formula 1 racing is a dangerous sport. They race in the worst-designed cars I’ve ever seen. Open tops, little restraints. Oh, and the helmets? My God, what’s the point? I’m surprised people aren’t dying out there every race.”

Massa will be interred at his home in São Paulo, Brazil. He was 33 years old.

It’s Official: Former NBC Drama ‘Dracula’ Will Continue As A Netflix Original

Posted on July 20, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

PASADENA, California –

Millions of fans angered and bewildered at NBC’s surprising decision to cancel the popular vampire drama Dracula after just one season can breathe a sigh of relief. This morning Netflix announced their decision to pick up the series for at least a second season.

When questioned about what motivated the decision, Netflix Chief Content Officer Ted Sarandos commented, “Why not pick it up? Gripping, sensual, clever, Dracula is Netflix caliber entertainment and people around the world can’t get enough of it. Now, we’re excited to announce that they won’t have to.”

Since the cancellation announcement, millions of fans took to social media and the blogosphere and circulated petitions to voice their disapproval, pleading with NBC to reconsider. But the network giant has remained generally silent.

In response to what he refers to as “snubbing their viewers,” Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said candidly, “If networks want to alienate their viewers, let them. Our #1 priority is to give our members what they want. If they want Dracula, that’s what they’ll get.”

Talks with the show’s producer and lead actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers began before NBC made the announcement, amid rumors that the network lineup would be changed dramatically, resulting in a significant number of cancellations. Given Dracula’s unideal time slot and lack of effort from the network to adequately promote the show, Meyers and his team were not optimistic.

Said Hastings about the deal, “when the announcement was made public, we were flooded with letters from members asking us to pick up the show. From then on it was a done deal. We negotiated terms, completed scheduling and we’re set to start production in October.”

Meyers is thrilled about this major win, saying, “I put my blood, sweat and tears into this project at significant risk to my career, on what I knew to be a story of incredible originality and beauty. I can’t express how excited I am to continue Dracula’s journey.”

The release date has not been announced, however Netflix members can expect all season episodes to be made available in late 2015.

Steve Burke, the CEO of NBC did not immediately respond to requests for comments.

Jim Parsons Quits ‘The Big Bang Theory’ After On-Set Fight

Posted on July 20, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

PASADENA, California –

It looks as though of the most beloved characters on television today, Sheldon Cooper, won’t be returning to The Big Bang Theory for its 8th season, after actor Jim Parsons has walked-off set and quit the show because of an on-set fight with co-star Johnny Galecki.

According to sources on the show, which has been in the process of filming since June, tensions behind the scenes have been extremely high. Last year the show was nearly cancelled after several members of the main cast demanded massive pay raises, forcing producer and creator Chuck Lorre to choose between keeping his show on the air or letting it taper off.

“We had contracted everyone involved for season one, and then it took off, and immediately signed everyone on for 5 more seasons,” said Lorre. “After season 6, which everyone did for the same amount of money, I think the monotony of playing the same stupid characters for so long, for over 150 episodes, was really getting to everyone, Parsons especially. So they all asked for a pay raise. They got it going into season 7, but this time around, for the season we’re filming, the cast, or rather their agents, really wanted more than they deserved.”

CBS, the parent company who releases the show, relented and gave in to the demands of the stars, but it hasn’t been enough to keep a peace on set. Crew members report that there have been many fights over contracts and money behind-the-scenes, namely between stars Parsons and Galecki.

“I don’t really care that [Parsons] is gone. We can do a whole hell of a lot better with someone else, anyway,” said Galecki, who plays Leonard Hofstadter on the show. “Last season ended with [Parsons’ character] Sheldon running away because Leonard was moving out of the apartment. He was supposed to come back, obviously, and we shot a few scenes with him back, but now, the hell with it, they’re just going to write him out permanently.”

Writers and producers have been scrambling to come up with material for the currently-filming season, as well as a way to introduce a new character.

“We don’t know for sure what Jim [Parsons] is planning. We’re working that out right now,” said Lorre. “In the mean time, we do have interest from several actors to join the cast, including Michael Cera and Topher Grace, either of which would be a fantastic addition to the show.”

Parsons himself has yet to comment publicly on his departure. His agent released a statement saying that “certain aspects of [Parsons’] contract were not being met, and that he was within his rights to walk off set.”

CBS Films, the company who produces Big Bang, had no comment on their plans for a cast change, or whether or not they felt that Parsons would return.

Bodies Of Over 300 Babies Found In Arizona Landfill

Posted on July 19, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GREASEWOOD, Arizona –

The small town of Greasewood in northeastern Arizona has been shaken to its core this morning, after news broke that a local planned parenthood facility had been illegally dumping late-term aborted fetuses in the city’s landfill, which borders the clinic property.

Police were called to the Dayglo Planned Parenthood Clinic after workers on a nearby construction site saw clinic workers bringing small, plastic bags out into the yard several times a day and burying them in the trash and dirt.

“At first we thought it was just their regular trash,” said Aaron Shaw, an employee of Marshall Construction, the company working on the building next to Dayglo. “After awhile, we realized that almost every time a girl went in the front door, a small plastic package came out the back. It didn’t take much after that to put the pieces together.”

Medical examiners and police officials have been exhuming the remains of what has already been calculated is at least 300 babies since early this morning, and estimates are that there may be as many as 500 bodies buried in the landfill.

“This is truly the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in all my years on the force,” said José Orfebre, captain of the Greasewood Police Department. “I came here with my family when I was just a little boy, and I thought I’d seen the last of this kind of sickness when I left Mexico. It’s really just disgusting what these people have done.”

Arizona has laws preventing late-term, third-trimester abortions, but as is the case in many other states, there are unscrupulous doctors who will knowingly endanger their patients for the right amount of money. Greasewood is a small town, with a population of only about 600 people. Investigators have determined that women and girls from the surrounding towns were going to Dayglo after word spread that they would perform the abortions, no questions asked, for $300 cash.

“I was just performing a necessary service for these women,” said Dr. Michael Smith. “I had a girl come to me several years ago who had tried to literally perform an abortion on herself with a coat hanger. She was lucky that she didn’t injure herself worse than she had. At that point, I knew that I had to do something for the girls of Arizona.”

policebabies2 — The search continued Saturday afternoon through the Greasewood, AZ landfill for more remains of babies aborted at the Dayglo Clinic

Police arrested Dr. Smith and three other people from the Dayglo clinic, including two nurses and a receptionist. All four people are considered to have had first-hand knowledge of the illegal procedures being performed.

Authorities believe, based on the decomposition of several of the bodies pulled from that landfill, that Dr. Smith had been performing abortions illegally at his clinic for at least 6 years. He is being charged with medical malpractice and felonious abortion.

‘Sexy Felon’ Jeremy Meeks Murdered Within Hours of Release, Police Question Wife As Suspect

Posted on July 18, 2014 by Angela Baker

STOCKTON, California –

Within hours of his release from prison Tuesday morning, internet sensation and ‘sexy felon’ Jeremy Meeks was found dead, according to Stockton Police reports.

Police say that they received a call around 1AM Wednesday morning from an anonymous source who said they thought they saw a body in an alleyway in Stockton. When they arrived on the scene, police found Meeks barely alive, suffering from multiple contusions and stab wounds. Meeks was rushed to a local Stockton hospital, where he was later pronounced dead.

Investigators are saying that Meeks was picked up by his mother after posting bail and leaving the prison on Tuesday, and the two returned to her home, where Meeks’ wife Lashanda was waiting. The couple reportedly had been having issues prior to Meeks’ arrest, and a fight erupted soon after he arrived home. So far, police have no further information on how Meeks’ ended up so severely wounded several blocks from his mother’s house, but they believe that he may have been stabbed and left for dead. An autopsy is scheduled for next week.

Detectives interviewed Meeks’ mother at her home, and wife Lashanda was taken in for continued questioning. Officers allege that either Lashanda or someone she knows or hired may have been responsible for Meeks’ death. Police Chief Tom Morris said investigators found a knife and several pieces of bloody clothing at the scene, but do not have any further information. A DNA test on the evidence could be back as soon as August.

“The investigation is ongoing,” said Morris. “At this time, we are investigating all possible suspects. We would appreciate anyone with any information coming forward and contacting us or their local branch of the FBI.”