Donald Trump Plans To Reinstate Trump University, Offer Free Tuition To All Applicants

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has made a shocking announcement this morning, stating that he plans to reinstate his extreme failure, Trump University, and – even more surprisingly – plans to give all applicants free admission.

“This country has failed in many ways, and education is one of the biggest failures of them all,” said Trump. “My idiot competitors think that they can offer free healthcare, free everything without it costing taxpayers. Top of that iceberg is free college tuition. They can’t give that. It’s stupid to say they can. They’re stupid. They can’t promise that, but I can.”

Trump say that his new college, which differs from his old University in that it will actually be accredited and useful, will allow any and all students who apply to receive free tuition. He can accomplish this because he is filthy rich, and will funnel money from his other businesses to pay for the school’s needs.

“Bernie Sanders wants to give everyone a free education, but has he outlined a plan to do so? Not in the slightest,” said Trump. “My schools will be free, provide a good education, and be totally and completely free from tax increases.”

Trumps poll numbers soared on the announcement.

Couple Find Child’s Thumb In Wendy’s Chili

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOBY, South Dakota –

A South Dakota couple have allegedly discovered a child’s thumb in their Wendy’s chili. The finders, Mark and Julie Kavner, both 30, say that they ordered the same thing they’ve ordered every time they’ve eaten at Wendy’s – a small french fry, two bacon cheeseburger deluxe sandwiches, and a chili. This time, though, they discovered something extra.

“We were half way through the chili, and we discovered a child’s thumb near the bottom of the container. I started vomiting immediately,” said Julie Kavner. “It was the most disgusting thing that’s ever happened to me, and I used to work for my family’s septic and sewage company.”

Wendy’s spokesman Gerald Hawkins says that it’s “completely impossible” that there could ever be any digits found in the chili, because the food is made fresh on-site in each restaurant, and that the chain does not employ minor children.

“We strive for excellence every day in all of our locations,” said Hawkins. “We have been accused of this sort of thing before, but it was proven then that it was a hoax. We will prove it again using our internal restaurant investigators.”

The Kavners were advised by their attorney to make no statements about any planned lawsuits.

Netflix Picks Up ‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ As New Original Series

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Netflix has been creating waves with their original programming, and even this week started the revival series Fuller House, a new version of the popular series Full House. It seems that Netflix is continuing with the trend of picking up old TV shows, as they announced today that they are in production on a new season of the former TLC series Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

“We absolutely loved the show, Honey Boo Boo, and all the other characters that millions of people watched every single week,” said Netflix production manager Joel Hodgkins. “It’s not Honey’s fault that her mom was sleeping with a pedophile, and that the show got cancelled as a result. So, what we’re doing is bringing the show back for a new season, but this time, it will all be Honey Boo Boo, no Mama Jean.”

According to Netflix, the show will begin filming in summer of 2016, and will follow the adventures of Honey Boo Boo as she starts 4th grade.

Serial Killer Reportedly Disposed Of Over 50 Bodies Via Curbside Garbage Pick-Up

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

Kyle Brenner, 50, was arrested on Friday morning after a garbage man noticed something funny in the trash in front of Brenner’s home.

“I went to lift up the trash barrel and a finger fell to the ground,” said Mark Jones, 29. “I’ve been hauling garbage for about 3 years, and I’ve seen some crazy shit end up in the trash, but that was the first time I ever saw something human fall to the ground.”

Police were called, and in the investigation, a full body was discovered, that of a woman in her late 20s who has yet to be identified. Brenner was arrested and brought up on charges of murder and improper disposal of human remains. While in police custody, Brenner admitted that he had done the exact same thing more than 50 times, and had never been caught.

“I have been kidnapping, raping, and killing young girls for longer than I can remember,” Brenner said during his police interview. “I have always disposed of them in the same way – putting them in black, Glad trash bags, and putting them on the curb for the garbage man. These women, they’re trash, so I’m just getting rid of them in the most obvious way possible.”

Brenner admits that he chose his victims based solely on size, and that the “smaller the better.”

“When it comes to my sexual preference, I don’t like children, I don’t like boys, and I don’t like animals, but anything else is fair game. When it comes to my preference in killing, I like tiny women,” said Brenner. “They can’t put up as much of a fight, and they fit better in the garbage cans. It’s just common sense, really.”

Brenner is currently being charged on 53 counts of kidnapping, sexual assault, and murder. If convicted, Brenner faces the death penalty.

South Carolina Man Burns Himself Alive After Trump Victory In Primaries

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COLUMBIA, South Carolina –

Mark Jacobs, 27, was found dead in the front yard of his home yesterday, after police say he burned himself alive over Donald Trump’s win in the primaries.

According to a post left on Jacobs’ Facebook page Saturday afternoon, he was “extremely distraught” over the fact that Trump was leading in the elections, and that he “didn’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

“If I have to live in a world where Donald Trump is not only winning elections, but also has an extremely good shot of becoming our next president, I don’t even want to be alive,” said the Facebook post. “It’s absurd and insane that anyone with a rational, thinking brain would vote for him, and it’s time I sacrifice myself to show the world how horrible of a decision voting in Trump would be.”

According to police, Jacobs covered himself in Bernie Sanders bumper stickers and flyers, dumped a gallon of gasoline over himself, and lit a match.

“The fire was super intense,” said Mary Lambert, a neighbor. “I started smelling something burning, and then I saw the flames through my living room window. I ran outside, and I saw poor Mark all ablaze. It’s sad that he had to die to show the world how horrible Trump really is. I guess, though, that no one is ‘feeling the Bern’ like Mark.”

Woman Beats Husband To Death With Baseball Bat After Mistakenly Thinking He Forgot Anniversary

Posted on February 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARSON CITY, Nevada –

A Carson City woman was arrested after allegedly beating her husband to death with a Louisville Slugger baseball bat for forgetting their anniversary. Sadly, the woman was mistaken, and the husband was planning a surprise trip.

According to police, Cathy Ferguson beat her husband, Michael, to death on Friday evening, the night of their 10th wedding anniversary. Cathy said that Michael had not at all mentioned anything about their anniversary, despite dropping “several hints” in the weeks leading up to it.

“I kept mentioning gifts I wanted or things we could do, but you know, subtly,” said Cathy. “He didn’t seem to pick up on any of it. He has forgotten our anniversary for the last 3 years, and this was the last damn straw. When I saw him sitting in the chair, casually reading his magazine instead of taking me out to a fancy dinner, I just lost it. I beat him to death with his childhood baseball bat.”

Police say that when searching the house, the found 2 tickets for a Bermuda cruise inside of a greeting card, with a long love letter inside. The tickets were booked for one day after their anniversary. When police brought this information to Cathy, she immediately broke down in tears.

8-Year-Old Fakes Cancer To Scam Make-A-Wish Foundation

Posted on February 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

A family in Atlanta convinced their 8-year-old son to go along with faking cancer to get a free trip to Disneyland, say police.

The Marques family, including Mary and Lewis Marques, both 34, and their son, 8-year-old Henry, reportedly visited doctors for over 2 years in the Atlanta area, faking symptoms of severe sickness in hopes of getting a free trip to Florida through the Make-A-Wish foundation.

“The Marques family had a very sophisticated way of doing things, in that they would constantly research rare cancer types, visit a doctor in one area, then falsify medical records, and then visit doctors in another area, using the names and locations of the previous doctor,” said police detective Mario Ferreira. “It was all an extremely elaborate scheme. The amount of time they put into it was intense. At the center of it all, of course, was 8-year-old Henry.”

According to the family, the entire scam was Henry’s idea. He was watching an episode of the TV show House on cable, and asked his mother where they found all the sick people to be in the show. When they explained that everyone, including the children on the show, were all just pretending, Henry asked if he could pretend to be sick and get on TV.

“Henry would not stop hounding us about the kids pretending to be sick. Eventually, we relented, and told him that no, we probably couldn’t get him on TV, but we might be able to get him to meet Mickey and Goofy,” said Lewis Marques. “But he had to promise to never reveal his secret – that he was totally healthy.”

Unfortunately, the secret was revealed after the Make-A-Wish foundation was contacted, as the group often does their own medical check-ups on children. It was then they discovered that Henry was perfectly healthy.

“I’m really sorry for what I did, but I just wanted to be famous!” said Henry. “And then I found out I could meet Mickey, and that seemed so cool. I don’t have any cancers at all, but I do get a cold sometimes. Will that help me go to Disney?

Man Hospitalized After Stealing Wife’s Breast Milk, Using It To Dunk Cookies

Posted on February 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

A man in Maine was hospitalized with severe stomach issues after it was discovered that he was using his wife’s breast milk to dunk his cookies into.

Thomas Towner, 30, had apparently been sneaking into the family kitchen for weeks, dunking his favorite Girl Scout cookies into glasses of his wife, Vanessa’s, breast milk.

“We just had our first baby, and Vanessa has been pumping non-stop,” said Thomas. “We have a massive surplus of it in the fridge and freezer. I accidentally got a little on my hand one time while feeding the baby, and I just licked it off, without really thinking about it. It was delicious. Ever since, I can’t get enough of the stuff.”

Doctors say that they pumped more than a gallon of breast milk out of Thomas’ stomach.

“Breast milk is rich with nutrients and minerals, and it’s good for babies – not so much for adults, though,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Maine General Hospital. “Mr. Towner had been drinking so much of the stuff, it was poisoning his body. We do not at all recommend drinking your own, or your wife’s, breast milk. Save that stuff for the baby. They need it more than you.”

Kellog’s To Bring Back Anti-Masturbation Stance In New Marketing Materials

Posted on February 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BATTLE CREEK, Michigan –

A lot of people don’t know this about Kellog’s Brand cereals, but one of the original members of the company, John Harvey Kellog, was a staunch anti-masturbator. The man, along with his brother, company founder William Kellog, invented the Corn Flakes cereal as a way to curb masturbation, and JH Kellog was a leader in the Anti-Masturbation Movement.

Over the years, the Kellog company has tried to distance itself from this stance, but a recent shocking announcement from the company claims that they are looking to bring back the anti-masturbation themes in their marketing, hoping to keep young children from harming themselves with what Kellog called “the worst evil [one] could commit.”

“We at Kellog’s brands have decided that the time is right to bring back the anti-masturbation league, and teach children – and adults – about the dangers of masturbation,” said current Kellog’s brands CEO Tyler Warner. “Our founders believed in healthy lifestyles, and we want to promote that the best way we can. Starting immediately, Kellog’s brand products and cereals will include pamphlets about anti-masturbation, as well as facts about the dangers masturbating can cause.”

Most parents groups seem extremely pleased with the announcement, with Kellog’s stock shooting up over 20 points since the original plan was made public. Kellog’s said they plan to approach Fappy the Anti-Masturbation Dolphin to appear in new cereal advertising.

Crips Gang Initiates First White, Suburban Teen

Posted on February 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

The Los Angeles-based gang the Crips have taken steps to broaden their membership by adding to their roster the first white, suburban teenager to their ranks.

The teen, 17-year-old Stewart Smith, says that he is “extremely happy” to have been allowed to join the gang, and that he thinks it’s super progressive of them to let him in.

“The great thing is that I am able to go where my fellow gang members cannot,” said Smith. “For example, I am allowed to go to movie theatres, sporting events, and quiet, suburban neighborhoods without being looked at twice. It makes it a lot easier to commit crimes, because I’m white, and as all pigs know, it’s the blacks that commit the crimes.”

Smith says he’s also extremely excited that he can carry a gun, and no one will hassle him.

“In California, you can carry a gun, legally, at age 16, so no one even thinks anything of it,” said Smith. “If I was a black teen, then I’d have been shot ages ago. White privilege is a real thing, and I have to say, it’s really fucking great, too.”