‘World’s Ugliest Woman’ Married To Man Who Wore Mask ‘To Make Wife Feel Pretty’

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JASMINE, Florida –

The world’s ugliest woman, Joanne Jones, 32, was married last week to a man who obviously has no desire to be named publicly, but who spoke to Empire News about their lavish wedding.

“I married Joanne because although she may have the most hideous face in the world, she has a rockin’ body and she sucks like a champ,” said Jones’ new husband. “I wore a mask because I wanted her to feel pretty for just one day, at least. I mean frankly, it didn’t work. I still looked better in that mask that she did, but you know, she was happy. And because she was happy, I had one hell of a wedding night.”

“I was pretty sad when I was named Guinness’ ‘World’s Ugliest Person,’ but you know, it’s not that bad, really,” said Jones. “I do lots of speaking engagements. Public appearances. I make decent money doing that. And now I have true love. He definitely loves me, more than anyone ever has. He even wore that mask just to make me feel pretty. And that’s pretty awesome.”

“Make no mistake, I’m only with her because she’s a hell of a screw and makes good money and lives in a nice house,” said Joanne’s husband. “I went out with her on a bet, went to bed with her on a bet, shit I married her on a bet. The mask is, really, so no one knows who I am. I don’t want to be outed.”

“I love him so much,” said Joanne. “He’s the best.”

Baby Born With Face On Torso and No Head Might Be ‘Creepiest Ever,’ Says Doctor

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

A baby born earlier this week has an extremely rare disease that has caused it to not have a head, but have its face on its torso, is being described by doctors as the ‘creepiest thing’ that they have ever seen.

“Holy shit, I’m not kidding when I said it’s disturbing,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who delivered the baby. “I almost vomited all over the place. Not from disgust, really, just from the shocking nature of it. It’s insane. I don’t even want to look at it.”

The child, whose mother has asked not to be named, is one of only 3 or 4 known cases of what doctors call Ichabod Crane Syndrome, named after the famous story of the Headless Horseman.

“It’s extremely rare, and thank God for that,” said Dr. Brown. “I can’t believe I delivered that baby. It’s a miracle, sure, and it’s definitely a child of God, they all are – but holy fuck you guys, did you see it?”

Mommy and baby, who has been named Brayden, are reportedly doing fine.

119-Year-Old Woman Credits Long Life To Cigarettes

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

Mrs. Elle Clark just turned 119 earlier this week, and she celebrated the day the same way she’s greeted every day for the last 108 years – with a cigarette.

“Oh yes, it’s the only way to really start your day and feel good,” said Clark, who has outlived all 6 of her children, as well as her 3 grandchildren. “There’s nothing better than a good unfiltered smoke, except, of course, for unfiltered prayer.”

Mrs. Clark says that she first began smoking when she was about 11 years old, after her mother left an unfinished cigarette in the ashtray.

“I snuck it out, and smoked it, and it was the first time I felt I could actually breathe, you know?” said Mrs. Clark. “After that I was hooked.”

Clark said she was so excited about smoking, she even named her children after cigarettes and cigarette-related things.

“I had six children, God rest their souls,” said Clark. “My oldest was Philip, then came Morris. I had a daughter, Marby, and another son, Paul Mall. Then my youngest two were boys as well, Benson and Hedges. They were all happy kids growing up, they all lived well into adulthood, but none of them took up smoking, and they all died young.”

Mrs. Clark says that she is extremely thankful for her 4-pack-a-day habit, and that she doesn’t see herself slowing down on smoking any time soon.

“I’ll probably smoke until I’m dead, and even then, I want to be buried with a pack in the casket and one in my mouth,” said Clark. “It’s really a wonderful life I’ve lived.”

Baby Born With Facial Features Of Elephant Gets Mother Arrested On Beastiality Charges

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

A San Diego woman, Julie Clarke, 30, was arrested on possible beastiality charges after her baby, who was born almost 9 weeks premature, was delivered and had facial features of an elephant.

“We are extremely excited and immensely disturbed that this child was born,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of the San Diego Medical Center. “Excited because it would be the first case of a sort of ‘natural’ gene combing, forming a new species. We are disturbed because the only way that this baby could have been made was because his mother had sex with an elephant.”

Clarke, who happens to be an employee at the San Diego Zoo, says that she didn’t have sex with an elephant, although she does say that she has no idea who the father of her baby is.

“I was going through a bit of a phase late last year into the beginning of this year,” said Clarke. “I was pretty much screwing anything that moved. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship, so it’s what you do, you know? I think I’d remember having sex with an elephant though. Wouldn’t I? I mean seriously? I drank a ton at that point, but…Oh God, did I fuck an elephant and forget about it?”

Doctors are working closely with police investigators to see if Clarke should be charged with beastiality, or if some other sort of genetic malfunction caused the elephant face of the baby.

“One thing is certain, though, regardless of whether Ms. Clarke remembers having sex with an elephant,” said Dr. Brown. “The elephant, wherever he is, definitely remembers. After all, an elephant never forgets.”

Men Are Paying Thousands Of Dollars To Be Led Around Like Dogs By Beautiful Women

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHICAGO, Illinois –

A secret trend that has reportedly been going on for quite some time in Chicago’s underground sex scene is seeing a major public interest after a well-known actor said that he “loves being led around like a dog.”

According to Variety, a very well-known and respected Oscar winning actor (who they refused to name) has been visiting Chicago for over a decade to be led around on a leash like a dog.

“I could do this in LA, I’m sure, but there’s something about flying to Chicago, away from everyone I know and see every day, and letting a woman strap me to a leash and parade me around the neighborhood,” said the unknown actor, who Variety said is in his mid-30s, and often stars in historical dramas. “It’s sexual, yes, but it’s also just about being treated like shit for awhile. In Hollywood, everyone is a yes man, especially after you win an Oscar. This takes that way, way down and throws it all away.”

Hollywood elite aren’t the only ones indulging, though. A woman that Empire News spoke to says she has made her living over the last three years being a Doggy Mom, as they’ve become to be referred to as.

“It started innocently enough, actually,” said Maryanne Jones, 31. “I was married, and my husband liked to be dominated. I wasn’t that big into it one way or the other when we were together, but after we got divorced, I found myself still wanting to have that control. I put an ad on Craigslist, and here we are, three years later. I have probably 25 different clients or so, and I made about $60,000 last year. It’s a living, that’s for sure.”

Microchip in Store Savings Card Tracks More Than Spending Habits

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Not only do they track your purchases, but they may be tracking your whereabouts. Drug, supermarket, and department store loyalty cards earn you rewards and savings, and in exchange they collect valuable purchase tracking data. In attempts to learn more about the average shopper habits, most chain stores have started also tracking their customers’ whereabouts, as well as listening to private conversations.

Some stores, though, say that they are not on board. Rite Aid CEO John Standley says he doesn’t believe in the microchipping. “It’s not right. It’s not Rite Aid. We believe in maintaining the privacy of our customers, and what keeps them coming back here are the great deals and the gasses we pump from the ceiling.”

Stockholders criticize Standley, saying the company is missing out on an opportunity for gain as tracking information can be sold to the illuminati at a premium.

“I have no idea why Rite Aid is so against tracking customers,” said Kroger store president Johnny Kroger. “We have been watching our customers for years, and tracking them with loyalty cards and credit card transactions. This is how we always know what to have, and when to have it.”

Experts say that you should immediately destroy and store cards that you have, regardless of what store it may be.

Swastika Table Available on Wal-Mart Website Causes Outrage

Posted on December 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

A table built in the shape of a swastika has caused outrage after it was added to walmart.com earlier this week. Multiple customers have complained, but Walmart says that they have no intention of removing the product from their catalog.

“Although the product is not sold by Walmart directly, but by a third-party, we still have no plans to remove the ‘Nazi table,’ as it has come to be known,” said Walmart spokesman Joel Goldberg. “I’m a Jew, and I’m not offended, so there really is no reason to remove the table. Some people like it.”

“I don’t give a rat’s ass that some Walmart Jew in a suit isn’t offended, I definitely am,” said Holocaust survivor Marianne Lewis. “It’s disgusting that they would even have that on their website, and worse, that they’re selling it at such an outrageous price!”

The table sells on the website for $399.99, and as of this writing was still posted on the website. A petition on change.org was created earlier this week, and has over 200,000 signatures calling for the store to remove the item and no longer do business with the company that is selling it.

U.N. Worker In Contact With Refugees Contracts Unknown Skin Disease

Posted on December 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A United Nations employee who worked on the intake of refugees fleeing to the United States seeking asylum has contracted a serious and as-yet-unknown skin condition that is causing panic among government workers.

According to doctors, Mark Shawl, who has worked for the U.N. for over 20 years, came in contact with an infected Syrian refugee and contracted a serious and potentially contagious skin condition.

“Mr Shawl’s skin has formed extreme and vile callouses over most of his body, but especially on his hands,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of the Maine State General Hospital in Augusta. “At this point were are not able to pinpoint exactly what is causing the disorder, but we are taking measures to ensure that this condition does not spread further.”

Dr. Brown says that Mr. Shawl’s fingers are getting the worst of it, and one has become so hard and brittle that it has begun to fall off.

“So far, Mr. Shawl is the only one this heavily infected by whatever is causing the issue,” said Dr. Brown. “Unfortunately, he is not the only one entirely. Several other people have since come into our location with similar issues. We are working jointly with the US Department of Health to discover the cause.”

Travel Channel TV Host Andrew Zimmern Says Human Flesh Is ‘The Most Delicious’ Meat

Posted on December 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

TV personality Andrew Zimmern, best known as the host of Bizarre Foods, has traveled the entire world eating crazy and outlandish foods, but in a recent episode of the show, filmed as a special for the holidays, Zimmern claims that human flesh, when cooked properly, is the “most delicious” meat you can ever have on your plate.

“I was hesitant to try eating it, because when someone says ‘Hey, do you want to eat some human flesh,’ your immediate reaction is to say ‘Hell no,'” said Zimmern. “But when they bring you a plate, and it looks and smells delicious, you definitely want to give it a try. So I did, and it’s the greatest food I’ve ever eaten, bar none.”

Zimmern says that while filming in Bangladesh, the extremely underground delicacy was presented to him, but Travel Channel prohibited the segment from being filmed.

“They had something against actual, filmed cannibalism,” said Zimmern. “I have no idea why. It’s probably something of the legalities of it, but hell, I wasn’t in the United States, so why does it matter? At any rate, they flame-broiled me a piece of someone’s ass, and I have to say, it was decidedly the best ass I’ve ever eaten. If I were starving, Donner Party-style, I’d dig right into whatever ass was closest to me. Fried, flambéed, baked – hell, I’d eat that ass raw with a spoon if I could.”

Zimmern says that although the human flesh was delicious, it did give him extreme gas afterwards.

Shocking Photos Surface Of Miley Cyrus With Her Clothes On

Posted on December 24, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

LOS ANGELES, California –

After a series of business-as-usual nude photo shoots for magazines such as Plastik, as well as extremely erotic costumes during her performances and tours, a slew of shocking photos have surfaced that are making Miley Cyrus fans take to social media in a vile and violent outrage.

“I cannot believe the photos that she gets away with sometimes, but this new set of pictures that is all over the web is disgusting, and it’s sickening,” said Marc Jacobs, 24. “I am a Miley Cyrus fan from way back, and I’ve stuck with her as a fan through a lot of scandals, but I just don’t think I can deal with these new pictures of her with her clothes on.”

According to her publicist, Marsha Williams, Cyrus’ new pictures were something that were never intended to see the light of day, but were leaked by a freelance photographer.

“Miley has a very unique and very specific kind of persona, and we have worked very hard to develop that,” said Williams. “These photos of her with her clothes on were never meant to be seen. They were taken in a weak moment, and Miley had ordered them destroyed. We are extremely upset that anyone has viewed these completely safe-for-work, totally boring photos. We are currently considering taking legal action against the photographer who leaked the photos.”

According to Williams, a new series of extremely graphic photos of Miley posing nude will more than likely hit the web soon in an effort to erase the “boring photos” from the minds of anyone who has seen them.