Woman Gives Birth To Baby Born 36 Weeks Late

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Selena Myers, 38, gave birth to a happy, healthy, 18 pound baby yesterday afternoon at an Atlanta hospital. The child, which clocks in at one of the heaviest ever delivered, was also an astounding 36 weeks late.

“It was very odd, because normally, you’re only pregnant for about 39 or 40 weeks,” said Myers’ midwife, Donna Landers. “Selena was not even closing to being to term at 40 weeks. In fact, she gestated extremely slowly. Her baby was almost 9 months late.”

Doctors are unsure how it is the Myers was able to carry her baby for the extra length of time, or why her body did not grow the child at a “proper rate,” but so far, all signs point to a healthy baby.

“During the pregnancy, I’d go in for my checkups, and they thought that maybe the baby would just be a little smaller than normal,” said Myers. “After a while, though, we realized that it was still going to be the size of a gummy bear when I gave birth, if I did so at the 9 month mark. In the end, I was closer to the 19th month.”

Myers has said that she is naming her baby Miracle Sparkle Myers.

NBC Announces Plans To Release ‘Friends: The Movie’

Posted on November 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

NBC, the company behind one of the biggest sitcoms of all time, has announced that they have signed the entire original cast of Friends to a major motion picture deal.

“For some reason, people just will not let this show die the death it so rightfully deserves,” said NBC Chairman Dennis Belding. “Even after a ten-year run, and then being off the air another ten years, the fans cannot get enough of Joey, Chandler, and whatever the other characters names were.”

Belding says that the slew of fan-made trailers for a film, some of them coming out better than actual Hollywood trailers, that have popped up on YouTube over the years, were one of the biggest reasons they knew that people were still clamoring for more Friends.

“Thankfully, since most of the original cast, with the exception of Jennifer Aniston, have been stuck in TV-hell on horrible shows ever since Friends ended, it wasn’t too hard to get them to sign on, even without a script. We’re still working out the details of the plot, but the show was on for ten years, and was horrible the entire time, so it really doesn’t matter. People will see any movie based on TV shows. Just look at Sex and the City.”

“I’m so excited to get back together with everyone,” said Courtney Cox, one of the former stars of Friends. “The fans, they just wouldn’t let us die. Well, the fans and Entertainment Weekly. I swear, that magazine has had more cover-stories and multi-page articles about Friends since the show ended than they ever did when we were on. It’s kind of creepy, actually. Like an uncle who pats you on the bum, but then the hand just lingers, you know?”

Insider reports indicate that the movie is being made for a fraction of the cost of the original series, thanks mostly to all of the cast losing their star-power since the show ended.

“When the show was on, the cast members were all making over a million dollars per episode, each” said Belding. “Thankfully, no one cares about David Schwimmer anymore, and we’re giving him the paycheck to prove it. God knows why they ever did care about David Schwimmer. Anyway, they’re all working for peanuts this time around. Well, except for Jennifer Aniston, of course.”

Barnes & Noble To Remove Religious Section, Move All Books, Bibles To Fiction Section

Posted on November 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

Barnes & Noble, one of America’s last giant bookstore chains, has announced that they will be removing their religious and faith-based sections after the 2015 holiday, with plans to integrate those books into the fiction sections.

“It may make shopping a little more difficult, but in reality, those books aren’t real, so they belong under fiction,” said Barnes & Noble spokesman Gordon Bailey. “They’ll still be in the store, they just won’t be lumped together. Honestly, we assumed that Christians would be happy, because this means that their Bibles will not be on a shelf near the copies of the Quran.”

According to Barnes & Noble, a slew of complaints from non-religious groups swayed them to change their cataloging system.

“A patron came in, and they were extremely upset to see that we had the Christian Bible in its own section, and not just mixed in with the other fictional books,” said Bailey. “They caused a stink, and soon other non-faith based groups caused a stink, and frankly, as a major corporation, it’s just easier to go along with whatever the majority wants.”

16-Year-Old Teen Diagnosed With Bubonic Plague

Posted on November 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

A 16-year-old girl has reportedly been diagnosed with a case of the Bubonic Plague, otherwise known as the Black Death. The Plague, which wiped out an estimated 50 million people in the 14th century, is commonly thought to have been eradicated, but the CDC warns that it is still very prevalent.

“We are investigating how this young girl contracted The Plague, but we believe it’s possible it was from a flea or tick bite,” said CDC spokesman Joanne Carl. “Although most people assume that The Black Death was wiped from existence ages ago, we are warning that it is still quite common to contract it, especially for those people who spend time in dense, wooded areas or around wildlife.”

The Plague, although less common than in ancient times thanks to modern medicine and hygiene, does not spread in quite the same ways, although flu-like symptoms are an early sign of infection.

“Often, death will occur within a weeks time, so when you are feeling sick, it is wise to get medical attention, especially if you notice any rash forming, or if you have spent time outdoors,” said Carl. “This year there have already been 15 reported and confirmed cases of Bubonic Plague, with 4 of them ending in death. We urge everyone to be extremely cautious, especially people who live in the Oregon, Washington, and Northern California areas.”

Starbucks Gives In To Criticism, Releases Jesus Christ Cups

Posted on November 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SEATTLE, Washington –

Starbucks has curiously been under a slew of controversy in recent weeks after releasing holiday-themed cups with no actual theme; the company simply opted to do a solid red cup through the holiday season.

“Honestly, we don’t get what everyone is so mad about,” said Starbucks CEO Jim Starbuck. “I mean, we never had Christmas-themed cups, really. We had snowflakes. We had ornaments. It’s not like we ever put the Christ into Christmas with our cup images, so how the hell these ignorant Christians think we’re taking it out now, I’ll never know.”

Despite the company’s stand on how ignorant most of their customers seem to be, they did decide to release more Jesus-centric cups for the holidays.

“Regardless of the fact that people care what the hell the cup that their shitty, burnt coffee comes in, we have decided that the customer is always right, even when they’re wrong,” said Starbuck. “That’s why we’re putting out these Jesus-y cups, depicting Christ on the cross, a holy-looking Jesus, and Jesus as he appeared in the film The Passion of the Christ – all bloody and beaten. That one is my personal favorite.”

The cups will hit stores immediately, according to Starbucks.

“Maybe now everyone will shut the fuck up and start worrying about something that matters,” said Starbuck.

Man Loses Arm After Smartwatch Explodes

Posted on November 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

An unidentified 32-year-old man was rushed to the emergency room in Louisville yesterday after his Apple smart watch exploded, removing most of his arm in the blast.

“This is the first time I’ve ever seen anything like this, but it’s definitely a good warning to not wear stupid Apple products,” said Dr. Charles LeMar of the Louisville Regional Hospital. “According to bystanders, the man began to scream in pain, as if his arm was burning, and then a loud explosion blew 90% of his arm clean off. It’s crazy. He’s lucky he survived.”

This is the 3rd incident in as many months of smart watches exploding, although this was the first time it happened while the owner was wearing it. The previous times, the watches were charging when they overheated, causing them to blow.

“I think this provides enough proof to show how dangerous smart watches are,” said anti-technology advocate Mark Churn. “Wearable technology is highly volatile, and things like this could happen more and more as we begin to wear stupid, electronic things. This man should be glad he wasn’t wearing Google Glasses, or he’d have lost his eyes. iPhones are stupid enough – do you really need to wear an iPhone on your wrist, too, you pretentious bastard?”

Apple representatives could not be reached for comment.

UFC Champion Ronda Rousey Admits To Being Born A Man

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

UFC Women’s Champion Ronda Rousey has reportedly admitted that she was born a man, having undergone gender reassignment surgery when she was 15.

“I was born a man genetically, but I was definitely a woman on the inside,” said Rousey. “Coincidentally, I am still kind of a man on the outside, and that has definitely helped me to have a bit of an advantage in the ring.”

According to UFC rules, the only thing that designates whether a contender is a man or a woman is their genitals, and several people have come forward alleging that Rousey is, indeed, a woman now.

“I can honestly say that she definitely has the girl parts now,” said an anonymous UFC fighter. “I had no problem taking her in bed, but with that in mind, I can honestly say there’s no way in hell I’d ever want to step into the ring with her.”

“It doesn’t matter that I was born with a penis, which would also mean I was born with a completely different body style and ability to gain muscle mass and strength equal to that of a man, giving me a massive advantage over skinny, ugly women in the ring,” said Rousey. “What matters is how I feel about myself, and damn, I feel like a woman.”

Internet Sensation ‘Grumpy Cat’ Dies After Losing Bout With Feline Depression

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tardar Sauce, best known as the internet’s “Grumpy Cat,” has reportedly died after committing cat suicide, say sources from within the cat’s entourage. Tardar, the most loved pessimist in the world, had suffered from a severe case of cat depression, and could reportedly no longer handle the pressures of being a meme.

“I am very sad to announce that Tardar Sauce, better known as Grumpy Cat, has died after purposely inhaling and overdosing on an extremely large amount of catnip,” said the cat’s manager, Joey Jones. “There was no note left, because like all cats, Grumpy had no opposable thumbs, but we know she was depressed, and often meowed about taking her own life. It’s sad, as she was so young. I only wish we had gotten her the help she needed.”

“Tardar was a joy to look at, as her face had that great look for anyone who wanted to use a picture of it to make a meme about their crappy day,” said Grumpy Cat superfan Joanne Joyce. “I have Grumpy stuffies, pictures, toys, t-shirts…all sorts of things. It’s sad that she’s gone, but she’s in cat hell now, where all cats go when they die. She’s probably complaining about something as we speak, and that’s beautiful.”

Tardar Sauce rose to popularity after a picture posted of her online went viral, people dubbing her “Grumpy Cat” due to her face, which appeared to be in a perpetual frown due to a case of dwarfism. She would have turned 4 this coming April.

Woman Who Was Born With Giant Legs For Body Becomes Nude Model

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MENDOZA, Argentina –

Misty Lendzo, 27, was born with a rare body disorder that left her with a normal-sized head and arms, but her body is entirely a set of legs with extraordinarily large feet.

“I used to cry myself to sleep every night because I thought my body was so ugly,” said Lendzo. “As I got older, though, I embraced my body, and I started to show it off more and more, and I became more confidant.”

In a chance encounter with world famous photographer Carl Xavier, Lendzo was asked to pose for a series of nude photos.

“I’d never done anything like that before, but Carl said I was gorgeous, and he wanted to photograph me and show the world that beauty can mean anything,” said Lendzo. “It took me awhile to decide, but I’m so glad that I did it. My pictures are everywhere now, and I think people find it inspiring. That makes me happy.”

“She is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen, and she’s simply enchanting,” said Xavier, 60. “I’ve photographed thousands of girls in my career, and Misty is by-far the most amazing. She’s also the first one I haven’t been able to have sex with, because she has no vagina, but that’s okay. She still has a hell of a mouth.”

Teen Violently Disfigured After Glass Bong Explodes, Rips Off Face

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

A 16-year-old teenage girl has reportedly been hospitalized after a bong she was smoking marijuana out of exploded, causing severe damage to her face.

“My daughter was told not to smoke the weed, but she didn’t listen, and now her beautiful face is gone,” said the teen’s mother. “I wish that I had been a better parent and paid more attention to her. She only started smoking weed because I worked so much, and now she’s going to be disfigured. I blame myself. I blame myself!”

Doctors say that this is the 12th bong explosion incident since Colorado legalized marijuana two years ago.

“We have seen, too often, these explosions of marijuana bongs. Teens do not seem to realize how volatile and dangerous smoking ganja can be, especially when smoking out of a giant piece of glass,” said Dr. Emile Jones. “In this specific situation, the girl’s face has been almost entirely removed. It will take years for skin grafting to be completed, and she will definitely never be sexy again.”

The unnamed teen’s parents are urging anyone who smokes to stop as soon as possible.

“Never light the bong again, or your face could also be ripped away,” said the teen’s father. “This is the most depressing thing to ever happen to anyone ever. Please learn from my daughter’s mistakes and put down the pot.”