Toys ‘R’ Us To Pull All Toys From Shelves, Doesn’t Want To Risk Offending Anyone

Posted on October 22, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WAYNE, New Jersey –

Last week, a Florida mother petitioned big box retailer Toys ‘R’ Us to remove a line of action figures based around popular TV show Breaking Bad. The Fort Myers, Florida mother, Susan Schrivjer, started a petition on the website change.org, encouraging people to sign, hoping to get the retailer to remove the toys that she deemed were inappropriate for children.

This morning, Toys ‘R’ Us announced that, unbelievably, Schrivjer has won her battle, and the company will be removing the toys from their shelves immediately. “Let’s just say, the action figures have taken an indefinite sabbatical,” Toys R Us said in a written statement to the press. The retailer had maintained that the figures were sold in limited quantities in the adult-action-figure area of its stores, an area that every TRU store has.

Unfortunately, it looks as the retail giant will not stop with just the Breaking Bad figures, called out for their realism and adult-oriented accessories, including guns and bags of meth. Toys ‘R’ Us has officially announced that they will be pulling every toy from the shelves, lest anyone get offended.

“We know that to most people, toys, action figures, video games, and the like, are extremely mundane, and meant for fun – nothing to get offended over,” said Geoffrey Giraffe, the president of Toys ‘R’ Us. “There is that small sub-sect of people out there, though, that seek out things to be offended by, and then they start their complaints and their petitions, and it’s a media headache, and we just don’t want to deal with it, frankly.”

The company said that normally they’d be rushing to get the latest hot toys and games onto the shelves in preparation for a giant fourth-quarter and holiday season, but instead they are beginning to empty their shelves.

“Sadly, one bad egg has spoiled it for everyone. We deal with millions of customers a year, we want to make sure we listen to every single one of them. If even one is not happy, then we’re not doing our jobs. If they have a complaint, we put our tail between our legs and give in; that’s loyalty and customer dedication. Personally, I only wish we had the resolve of a company like Ben & Jerry’s,” said Giraffe, referencing that company’s announcement last week that they would not give into unnecessary and stupid customer complaint, and would continue use of the name of their ice cream ‘Hazed and Confused.’

“I think the mother who started the petition sounds like a meddling, obnoxious, do-gooder, pain in the ass,” said Robert Thomas, a customer of Toys ‘R’ Us. “I can’t believe that they’re pulling the figures. Seriously, they have Nightmare on Elm Street figures with Freddy Kruger who has knives for fingers. They have Barbies with unattainably-sized tiny hips and fat asses. They have creepy dolls that you feed and then they actually shit their diapers. Yet action figures, that no child should even be familiar with unless their parents let them watch the show in the first place, are offensive? Get a damn life, woman.”

“It’s a sad day for the world of toys and consumer choice, it really is,” said Giraffe. The company plans to remain open, despite not having any product to sell. “We may keep the candy, on the shelves, I suppose. I just hope we don’t offend any diabetics or anything.”

Redbox Partners With Vivid Entertainment, Company To Stock XXX Films In Kiosks

Posted on October 22, 2014 by Chip

LOS ANGELES, California –

Several communities across America are outraged at news released this morning of Redbox, everyone’s favorite video store replacement, partnering with porn-titans Vivid Entertainment to bring adult films to grocery store and gas station kiosks everywhere.

Redbox and Vivid made the announcement this morning that hardcore, adult entertainment will become ‘more easily accessible to consumers than ever,’ as they begin to roll out rentals of pornographic titles at all Redbox kiosks by the end of 2014. Naturally, a large concern from parents is that Rebox will not have an acceptable verification process in place.

When asked how they will ensure underage customers aren’t renting hardcore porn DVDs, Redbox responded by saying “Just like with R-rated movies we have in the kiosks now, the customer will be asked if they are over 18 and will be required to say yes.”

When is was questioned as to what would stop a child from selecting the ‘yes’ button indicating they are of legal age to obtain pornographic material, Redbox responded by saying “We’re basically operating on the honor system. We trust our customers to be honest with their responses. Besides, kids don’t have credit cards anyway.”

“We think it’s time someone put the porn rental business back on the map,” said representatives for Vivid. The company promises that each kiosk will contain at least 30 hardcore titles to choose from.

A Vivid spokesperson also guaranteed several spicy sub-genres to choose from. “We understand today’s consumer doesn’t want to watch boring, middle-aged white people have missionary sex, so we are committed to stocking each kiosk with multiple options to float your boat. You can expect interracial, BBW, fetish, Asian, and celebrity categories at each location.”

Redbox has confirmed that the new adult DVDs won’t cost the consumer any more than a standard DVD rental. According to the press release, they will also be offering a discounted Adult DVD with every standard DVD rental the week of the kick off.

Both companies have avoided directly addressing the likely hood of underage customers being able to access the pornographic material. They have each taken the stand that it’s up to the parents to manage their children’s sexual urges, and if they want to blame someone for underage children looking at boobies, they should blame the internet.

“Parents need to realize that corporations shouldn’t have to be responsible for their kids, and what they’re watching, doing, eating, or seeking out as entertainment,” said Redbox. “The old phrase ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ does not say anything about corporations and mega-companies. That said, we respect all of our customers, regardless of their horrible parenting skills.”

Unsurprisingly, one of the largest objectors to the partnership are the internet ‘tube sites’ that provide unlimited porn to millions of consumers each day. Sources have speculated that the new arrangement between Redbox and Vivid could potentially cost the top tube sites millions of dollars per year in ad revenue, assuming that people forget that anything you want can be had for free on the internet.

U.S. Postal Service Announces Plans To Change To ‘Weekend Only’ Delivery Model

Posted on October 20, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The United States Postal Service has been considering major cutbacks over the last several years amid increased costs and fewer customers. The advent of email and other forms of communication has drastically cut back on the number of items mailed to minimal amounts compared to even a decade ago, and the agency has been looking to make changes to help save money ever since.

In a drastic change announced this morning, the Postmaster General stated that the Postal Service would be cutting back on weekday delivery, and instead moving to a ‘weekend only’ delivery schedule. This would eliminate any regular, first-class mail delivery Monday through Friday, and would pick up Sunday as an extra delivery day.

“Moving away from weekdays and into just weekends will save the Postal Service millions upon millions of dollars every year,” said Mr. Grumman Ellelvee, the Postmaster General. “We have toyed with the idea many times of eliminating Saturday deliver, and sticking with just weekdays, but that would only save a pittance in comparison to doing the reverse, and eliminating delivery through the week.”

Ellelvee went on to say that postal workers would be happier, as their stressful weeks would be cut down by 66%.

“The safety and health of our employees is of a top priority,” said Ellelvee. “So we will be substantially raising the salary for our workers to compensate for the lost time. Even with that one cost increase, we will still save money on transportation, fuel, vehicle maintenance, shipment, and other costs.”

When asked to explain some of the hardships being faced by the Postal Service, Ellelvee was very open about the current state, as well as the future, of the post office.

“We just can’t keep up anymore, it’s very expensive to ship and move all these mail items and packages. Many people don’t know this, but Netflix was pretty much keeping us alive for years with their disc-by-mail model. Ever since streaming became more popular, we just don’t have as much mail anymore, and without mail, we don’t make as much money. That’s why switching gears, moving to this new model, could help keep the post office alive and well for years to come.”

The U.S. Postal Service says the remainder of 2014 will continue on normal schedules, and the new system should be beginning January 1st, 2015. The new changes will not affect overnight delivery or international shipments.

Sean Hannity Fired From Fox Network, Blames Liberal Smear Campaign

Posted on October 17, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Shockwaves rippled throughout the broadcast journalism community today, with the news that conservative political commentator and show host Sean Hannity was fired by Fox News Channel President Roger Ailes.

Hannity, a Fox News programming staple since 2008, will be replaced by a new, yet-to-be-named animated news and current events show produced by Seth MacFarlane, creator and producer of Family Guy, and American Dad.

“This is a business,” remarked Ailes, when questioned outside Fox News Headquarters in New York. “Hannity was great, it performed well, but numbers were going down. People get tired of hearing the same old complaints. Maybe we’ll open up a spot for Sean if Hillary gets elected. The well’s running dry on fresh, new Obama criticisms. Even I was saying ‘haven’t we done this already?’”

Reportedly too distressed to face reporters himself, Hannity’s close friend and former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin made a post to her Facebook page, deriding the decision to remove Hannity from broadcast.

“Doggonit here we go again with the further erodation (sic) by the liberal ‘lamestream’ media folks over there, with those goshdarn attacks on REAL Americans like the great Sean Hannity, who was sadly removed from our precious airwaves today. I will continue to defend our ideals and our dearly held freedoms as these pre-packaged, left-wing newsbites are prepared in easy-chew pills for the masses, and a certain member of the White House continues to shuck and jive his way through it all.”

No mention was made of Hannity’s immediate future in the television broadcast journalism realm. He will continue to host The Sean Hannity Show on radio, which made its national debut in September, 2001.

Discount Juice Brand Found To Have Used Wood Pulp In Orange Juice

Posted on October 16, 2014 by DvanL

PORT ST. LUCIE, Florida –

The Douglass family fortune was built on Papa D’s Orange Juice. Patriarch Oliver Douglass bought some land in 1938, and set up orange groves as far as the eye could see. In no time, ‘Papa D’s OJ’ lined store shelves from Orlando to Miami.

The family’s spotless reputation was tarnished last week though, when it was revealed that for decades, one of Douglass’ partners, a paper manufacturer, was supplying him with wood pulp for Douglass to add to their Papa D’s juice.

According to agriculture inspector Hank Kimball, Douglass used the cheapest strain of oranges available. “The fruit had next to no nutritional value whatsoever, and contained little to no pulp. They were basically sacks of juice surrounded by an orange rind,” Kimball stated.

The paper mill was owned by one of Douglass’ business partners. “From what the authorities have told me,” said Kimball, “apparently Douglass got the pulp for free in exchange for some tax breaks or something he arranged for his friend at the mill. Douglass had that kind of pull in this town. So they set it up so that pulp the mill needed to get rid of, that couldn’t be disposed of on land without it costing a lot of money or inconspicuously dumped into the ocean, would get mixed into the orange juice to get rid of it.”

“I feel sick to my stomach,” said Port St. Lucie shopper Doris Zifffel. “I’ve been drinking Papa D’s for years, and I’ve given that juice to my son Arnold since he was a baby. Maybe that explains why he was so ‘regular.’ I hope it didn’t hurt his little insides.”

Douglass was a local hero in his day. He supported the community by funding schools, hospitals and various charities. If Douglass endorsed you, you were a member of the ‘in’ crowd. Now, people can’t distance themselves from the family fast enough.

According to inside sources, the city of Port St. Lucie is now terminating all business dealings connected with the Douglass name. “It’s going to be a long process,” said the insider. “The orange juice facility was just shut down. The paper mill will probably take a hit. Just about everything in town has the ‘Douglass’ stamp on it in one way or another. It’s a huge mess.”

Calls to the Douglass household were answered by a maid who identified herself as ‘Consuela.’ When asked to provide a comment she said, “No, no, Mr. Douglass – not at home now.”

Tampax To Market Pumpkin Spice Tampons

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Not a company to be left behind when it comes to current fads, Procter & Gamble have announced today that they will begin selling their brand of Tampax tampons in a pumpkin spice scent.

The company says that they knew that the autumn season there was a big call for pumpkin spice flavors and scents, until this year they never thought they’d bring such a product to market. Head of Design Martha Plumb says that the company received so many letters and emails about developing the product over the last few years, that they decided it was time to produce it.

“Most people, especially women, love the scent of pumpkin spice,” said Plumb. “It reminds them of the fall, of autumn leaves and pumpkins and Halloween and just all the lovely, fun things the season brings. We wanted to capture that smell, those feelings, and make them available in a tampon.”

Plumb says that although the product is being developed, it won’t be ready for market until next year. “If it does well, which we believe that it will, we may introduce other scents for different times of the year, including Apple Pie, Fresh Cut Grass, and Winter Snowfall.”

Not to be outdone in the pumpkin spice arena, Reckitt Benckiser, maker of Durex brand condoms, has also announced that they are considering bringing to market a pumpkin spice flavored condom, and Charmin has said they have plans to create a pumpkin spice scented toilet paper.

‘Russianized’ Bees Trained To Attack Ukraine For Russian Military

Posted on October 14, 2014 by DvanL

MOSCOW, Russia –

A Russian whistleblower has spilled the beans on another planned invasion of Ukraine by Russian forces, this time aided by a specially trained and bred species of attack bees.

The ‘Russianized’ bees were housed and trained in what the informant described as “anger hives,” specially constructed to keep the bees constantly agitated and ready for attack.

Through a translator he said, “We interrupted the bees’ sleep and work cycles and sometimes would poke the anger hives with sticks and broom handles. At first we were not given adequate protection to keep us from getting bee stings, and one of our workers had to be hospitalized after he accidentally tipped over one of the bee boxes. I was stung only a few times, but my friend was stung many hundreds of times.”

After the February 14 Ukrainian Revolution, Russia stepped up hardline efforts to re-establish control in the troubled region. Special military forces annexed Crimea, an act that Russian President Vladimir Putin reluctantly admitted after many international inquiries for answers.

It is unclear whether the worldwide collapse of bee populations is connected with Russian bee recruitment efforts, although the unnamed informant did provide some clues as to how the bees were obtained.

“We were ordered to plant many special fields of clover and other plant and flowers that would attract the bees. These orders came directly from President Putin. We sprayed the plants with synthetic bee hormones to attract them, and then with smoke machines and nets we were able to calm and capture them for the hives.”

As for the ‘training,’ it was explained that following the bees’ capture, the anger hives were placed in a greenhouse type structure where they were exposed to bright lights 24 hours a day, with loud ‘Ukrainian style’ music played throughout the day. Teams of ‘box bangers’ were also recruited to agitate the bees. The box bangers would rhythmically hit the hives with sticks at pre-determined times during the day at pre-set intervals timed to coincide with specific musical passages. It was believed that this schedule provided a command structure for the bees, thus making them easier to attack when triggered by the replay of the musical selection.

Russian authorities have denied the story. A spokesman for the Russian military said the charges come from “the delusions of an ex-member of our forces who received what you would call a dishonorable discharge. These absolutely ridiculous rumors came from an individual labeled a misfit. He could not withstand the rigors and discipline of military training.”

At present, it is unclear if bee recruitment and training did progress to the level explained by the informant, as no physical evidence can be found of either the fields used to attract the bees, or the anger hive structures.

“That is not surprising,” said the informant. “Why would they admit such a thing? I saw it with my own eyes and have several bee-stings to prove what I saw is true. Someday the world will know that I am not a crazy person and that I speak the truth,” he added.

REPORT: NFL Players Make Too Much Money; Risk $10k Fines To Wear Sub-Par Headphones

Posted on October 13, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

Just last week, San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick was fined $10,000 by the NFL for wearing a pair of Beats brand headphones during a press conference after the team’s win over the Chiefs. The fine was the first of its kind after a ban was placed on the product; the NFL has a deal with BOSE systems, and for the most part, players are required to either wear that brand of headphones, or none at all.

Yesterday, Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton was also photographed wearing Beats by Dre headphones, apparently not giving one second thought to the fact that he, too, could end up fined the equivalent of what amounts to half of the annual salary of many of his fans.

“I think these players, they make too much money,” said Al Ross, a lifelong football fan in Boston. “I mean, first of all, they’re out there, spending hundreds of dollars on these stupid, shitty name-brand headphones, and then the NFL says ‘Sorry, you can’t wear those,’ and instead of replacing the aforementioned pieces of shit with the free Bose headphones the club would give them, they risk having to fork over $10,000 because they want to keep wearing them? I love football, but the players are dumb as a bunch of bricks, I tell ya.”

“Personally, I’m a huge fan of sub-par headphones that break every few months, that’s why I keep wearing them,” said Bo Roberts, second-string linebacker for the Chicago Bears. “They wanted to give me the new brand that the NFL deals with, but that’s dumb. My Beats work fine for the most part, if I jiggle the wire just right and tilt my head to one side. There’s no reason to get rid of them just yet – not because the offices tell us to, anyway. That’s stupid.”

The NFL has yet to comment on whether Cam Newton would also be fined for wearing his Beats headphones. In other related news, Skullcandy is literally begging any player that they can find, in any professional0 sport, to possibly wear their headphones in public, to remind people that they, too, want to be thought of us ‘cool.’

Las Vegas Casino Owners, Gaming Commission Seek To Legalize Dog Fighting

Posted on October 12, 2014 by DvanL

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

The steady decline in revenue affecting many casinos across the country has forced many gaming houses to seek other sources of income. As a result, the gambling industry has been quietly seeking a controversial betting offshoot – legalized and industry regulated dog fighting.

“Think of the images of Michael Vick and everything else that comes to mind when you mention dog fighting,” said Roger Kenny, administrator with the Nevada Gaming Commission. In a press release he stated, “If we regulate dog fighting, promote it as a sport, eventually people will come to accept it, and it will be as common as blackjack or prostitution. We’d like to change the negative perception that certain groups have put out there about the activity,” he said.

It’s going to be an uphill battle. After the Commission’s press release was made public, animal rights groups, including PETA, the ASPCA, and the World Wildlife Foundation all reacted with condemnation of the proposal.

Dog trainer and television host Cesar Millan said, “This is the most inhumane act that I can think of. Dogs are our companions and are among the most intelligent creatures on Earth. Something like this with cats, now that I could understand,” continued Millan. “Put a couple of cats in a boxing ring, maybe with little gloves and helmets – nobody’s going to give a crap, it’s just cats. But with dogs, it’s different – they’re man’s best friend. When I heard this news I wanted to rabidly tear the Commission’s collective throat out.”

Chairman and CEO of Las Vegas Sands Corporation Sheldon Adelson remarked, “From what I’ve been told, I think in foreign countries this kind of thing is already legal. I’m not sure, but if it is, we should try to get in on it here. It would be a sin to let all that revenue just go to the dogs,” he said.

The proliferation of online gambling sites is largely blamed for forcing the gambling industry to think outside the box. Although internet gambling is technically illegal, members of the powerful gaming commission are hiring lobbyists to work overtime in an effort to change that legislation as well.

“Right now it’s a crap shoot,” said Kenny. “But it’s going to be a thing, I’d bet good money on it. After all,” he added with a wink, “every dog has his day.”

Man Sets Fire To Restaurant After Ordering Pepsi, Receiving Coca-Cola

Posted on October 11, 2014 by JP

NORFOLK, Virginia –

Gary Bonner, 47, is under arrest this afternoon for charges of arson, after police say he set fire to a local restaurant after an altercation with a waitress over a drink order. According to police, Bonner has already admitted to setting the blaze.

Police reports say Bonner, who ate lunch at the Millstone Cafe every Friday afternoon, went in as normal yesterday around 3PM, but unfortunately for the restaurant employees and other patrons who were dining, something about the Cafe had changed.

“For the past 3 years or so, Mr. Bonner has been coming in here, and always orders the same thing: Turkey club on whole wheat with no mayo and an extra slice of cheese, and a large fountain Pepsi,” said Amy Fray, a server at the Cafe. “Unfortunately though, during this past week we had switched from Pepsi to Coca-Cola, because they had cheaper syrup. Anyway, it didn’t even dawn on me that when Mr. Bonner ordered his Pepsi that I should have told him that’s not what we carried anymore, and that it would be a Coke instead.”

During the week, installers from Coca-Cola had come in and replaced all the equipment in the restaurant and provided their products, but the Cafe had not had a chance to remove Pepsi cola signs, or to amend the menus to show Coke products in place of Pepsi.

“So Mr. Bonner came in, and ordered his usual, and when I gave it to him, I had only walked away a couple of feet when I heard a kind of spraying noise,” said Fray. “I turned around, and he was spitting the soda out of his mouth, like he was choking on it. I asked him what was wrong, and he said ‘I ordered a Pepsi, damn it!’ I told him it was a Pepsi, only because I didn’t want to start a scene, but I agreed to grab him a fresh one. I told him maybe there was something wrong with the fountain and apologized. When I gave him the second drink, he immediately exploded in anger.”

Fray says that it was at that point she explained that they no longer served Pepsi products, and that she had forgotten to tell him when he ordered. Bonner then reportedly stood up, violently flipped his table over, and stormed out of the restaurant. Minutes later, employees began smelling smoke, and the restaurant was evacuated for a fire. Within an hour, the entire restaurant had burned to the ground.

Bonner curiously stayed around the entire time as the restaurant was burning, later admitting that he had set the fire out of anger over receiving the wrong drink. He was immediately arrested for arson and reckless endangerment, as well as possible attempted murder charges, as he knew the restaurant was full when he set the blaze. Bonner said that although he is aware he may be spending many years in jail, he is planning a countersuit over the ‘false advertising’ of the Cafe.

“They still had their Pepsi signs everywhere, yet they gave me a Coke. Don’t they realize they could have killed me? They’ll be seeing me in court as soon as they’re done seeing me in court, if you know what I mean,” said Bonner. His trial date is still pending.