Genetically Modified ‘Self-Knitting’ Sheep Threaten Wool Industry

Posted on October 10, 2014 by DvanL

EDINBURGH, Scotland –

In 1996, the world’s first successfully cloned mammal, Dolly, a Finn Dorset sheep, was born. Dolly died in 2003 at the age of 6. Since then, advancements in genetic engineering, controversial as they may be, have continued with astonishing results.

Scottish scientists again made history with the recent announcement that Dabney, a ‘self-knitting’ sheep, was produced through advanced genetic engineering. Dabney has been genetically altered to produce wool in patterned alignment. When sheared, Dabney’s wool pleats itself into shapes that can be easily packaged and shipped straight from the farm to raw wool dispensaries or individual clients. The wool can be knitted into patterns more quickly than non-genetically altered wool, with unskilled workers able to produce the same volume that more experienced wool gatherers have produced in the past.

As a result, raw wool prices have begun to drop significantly, threatening the Scottish Woolen Trade.

The raw wool movement has come to dominate the industry. “It was the hipsters that created the demand,” said Trudy Fales, President of the International Wool Council. “They’ve revolutionized the industry. All those old sweaters, caps, and bags were more than just a fashion statement – they were a game-changer for the industry.”

“Since there is only one Dabney,” said Fales, “prices are probably going to stay high, until another litter of genetically altered sheep is produced.”

An anonymous source within the Scottish biotechnology firm that created Dabney said, “There’s only one. We’ve tried to produce more, but we’ve given them all we’ve got.”

Time will tell if the global woollen industry will be able to maintain the dominance it has held since the 17^th century.

Human Sex Trafficking Start-up Business Discovered On Kickstarter

Posted on October 10, 2014 by Angela Baker

LOS ANGELES, California –

FBI agent Darrell Lynch has made several major arrests in his 14 years with the agency, but his latest is the only one so far to have been based around his teenage son’s choice in TV programs. Last week, Lynch was working from home on his laptop, while his teenage son was watching a new episode of South Park, which was parodying the idea of online start-up companies.

“I got to thinking about what bulls— startup companies there really are out there on those crowdfunding websites. I know that my dumb bitch ex-wife had dumped some of my hard-earned money into at least one in the past, so I knew there had to be more out there, and it was possible they were involved in criminal activity,” said Lynch.

It didn’t take very long researching new online companies until he came across something suspicious on one of the major crowdfunding websites, Kickstarter, where he spotted a supposed charitable mission to Rwanda and Tanzania that didn’t set right with him.

“The online campaign was asking for money to help get girls out of third world countries, but just didn’t seem to be as legit as it should be,” said Lynch. “See, we’re trained to recognize this sort of thing. Certain keywords and phrases stood out, like ‘trade-work,’ ‘special services,’ and ‘selling girls into prostitution to Americans with big wallets.’ After some inquiries, we were easily able to connect it to a human enslavement ring.”

Human trafficking is big business across the world. Owners of massage parlors, serving as fronts for brothels, buy girls from smugglers in impoverished countries all over the world. The victims are trapped here, knowing little English, with the exception of phrases like “happy ending” and “golden shower.”

The FBI has yet to release all the names of those arrested, citing the Patriot Act and the privacy of the enslaved girls, yet they have confirmed the online fundraising campaign was going to use the money to import some fresh faces out of Tanzania. The girls, who had been being lured here with promises of a better life and starring roles in A-List Hollywood films, are sold against their will, and end up being pimped by unscrupulous men and women who own the ‘massage parlors.’

Lynch says, “These funding websites are lucky we catch these kinds of things. If they made that 5% off the top of the revenue generated, enabling the funding of a human trafficking, they’d in big trouble. I’d personally pull the plug on their whole operation.”

FBI shift leader, Karen Crowe says, “We’ve organized a task force to investigate other crowdfunded start-up companies further. Who knows how many groups there are using people’s naïve donations to fund deplorable, criminal activities? Hell, it could be almost as many as the campaigns that are online raising money to turn second-rate TV shows into feature films!”

McDonald’s To Compete With Weight Watchers With New ‘Weight Loss Menu’

Posted on October 9, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

President and CEO of McDonald’s Don Thompson issued a statement today regarding the company’s decision to ‘stop making people fatter and start making them skinny.’

“Many of you are familiar with what Weight Watchers does by counting calories, and how it usually doesn’t do much good. Well, McDonald’s is excited to announce that beginning in 2015, we will be offering a menu of weight loss foods, which will be regular popular items such as the Big Mac and double cheeseburger, but will contain a scientifically proven secret ingredient which will cause you to shed pounds without having to exercise,” Thompson told members of the Associated Press.

Over the past several years, McDonald’s has been scrutinized and widely accused of providing its customers with extremely unhealthy foods and – due to their popularity and cost efficient menu items – making Americans fat. The company will reveal the new menu sometime in January. No details on available products were announced.

Thompson did tell the media that he believes the new menu will be so popular that the company will probably need to open a considerable amount of new locations.

“Everyone will be eating at McDonald’s, other fast food chains will close, and more and more McDonald’s locations will take their place. There are so many fat people in America that the plan is fool-proof. People are too lazy to exercise, so they want a way to lose weight without putting in any work, and we have the means to provide that,” stated Thompson. “It has taken our McDonald’s scientists years to develop our new secret ingredient, but come January, the world will get to see it in action.”

McDonald’s restaurants are found in 118 countries and territories around the world and serve 68 million customers each day. McDonald’s operates over 35,000 restaurants worldwide, employing more than 1.7 million people. With the new special ingredient, it is very well possible that these numbers could double and go beyond.

The news is most certainly exciting for the millions of overweight McDonald’s fans across not only the United States, but the world.

Indiana Haunted Attraction Fulfills Dying Wish Of Homeless Man, Host Wake Inside Haunt

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

JEFFERSONVILLE, Indiana –

Haunted attraction Industrial Terrorplex, located in Jeffersonville, Indiana (directly across the Ohio River from downtown Louisville, Kentucky) will hold a public wake for a homeless man, who died from injuries sustained after being struck by car, as part of their show until Halloween night.

Carl “Kitty Kat” Heywood, 63, a homeless man hospitalized after being struck by an automobile on September 28th, told his friend, Nik Houpt, who had arrived at Clark Memorial Hospital on October 5th to check on his condition, just hours before his passing, that if he didn’t make it he wanted Houpt and his “other freak friends” to take him to “the haunted house” and let him “rest and say goodbye.”

Houpt told Empire News in an on-site interview at the nationally known haunt Industrial Terrorplex that he did not know what to make of the request, and just nodded his head and told Heywood that he would be fine and to get some rest. “He was in pretty bad shape and I think he knew. I really didn’t realize what he was asking at the time or how meaningful it was to him ya know?” Houpt explained.

As Houpt exited the Jeffersonville hospital he stopped, turned around, and re-entered the building to leave his telephone number at the information desk with instructions to have someone call him if Mr. Heywood’s condition were to change. “About three hours later the hospital called and explained to me that ‘Kitty Kat’ had died peacefully in his sleep,” Houpt said. “My heart just kinda dropped at that point and I kept replaying what he had said over and over in my head. I went and told Terry Campbell, the owner and operator of Industrial Terrorplex, what Kitty Kat had said. I don’t think he knew how to respond to that himself.”

Campbell, who has owned and operated the large, award-winning haunted attraction for several years, said that the more he thought about it, the more he realized what needed to be done. “I knew Kitty Kat didn’t have family, and there would be no service or anything, and I kept thinking about how he always went to extremes to make us laugh – telling tall-tales as if they were fact. He didn’t have anything but the clothes on his back, yet he found a way to make others laugh,” Campbell said.

Campbell would then set into action an unimaginable, unprecedented plan to hold a wake inside the over-the-top haunted attraction during hours of production, which customers would most certainly shockingly stumble upon.

“My really good friend Buffy Marie, who has dedicated a lot of time and involvement into the haunt, also happens to be a funeral director and mortician. I asked her if we could pull this thing off, and that money would not be an issue. We got it all figured out, and realized we could preserve him long enough to keep him laid out until Halloween. So we set up a room with a constant controlled temperature and steady humidity levels, rented a casket, bought him a nice suit, and there he lies. He was a troubled man, but possessed a really good soul. It feels good to know we are here for him,” Campbell expressed adamantly.

Thursday, October 9th at 8:00 pm, Industrial Terrorplex will open its doors to the always excited line waiting in adrenaline-laden anxiety to find out to what extreme the outlandish haunt has in store for them this year. It is anticipated that until word gets out of the wake, the gesture will shock customers.

“It is a risky move, but in the haunted house business we take risks every single year, and this time it is definitely worth it. Once customers enter the room, a greeter will give groups a brief history of Kitty Kat and how he loved hanging out around us all year as we re-designed and rebuilt our haunts, and explain what his body is doing there. It is possibly the first ever wake held in a haunted house,” Campbell said.

Industrial Terrorplex is open Thursdays – Sundays from now until Halloween. For hours and other information visit www.industrialterrorplex.com.

Florida Woman Sells Eye For $100 Cash

Posted on October 8, 2014 by kellybr

MIAMI, Florida –

Unemployed single mother Mary Sampson, 30, who was in desperate need of grocery money to feed her six children, was recently presented with a unique business opportunity.

“It’s embarrassing, but I was out panhandling for the first time in my life, and not doing well at all, when I was approached by two large Russian men who said they had a business opportunity for me,” said Sampson.

According to her account, after several minutes of hesitation, Sampson got into a van with the Russian men, and was driven to a warehouse. The ‘business opportunity’ that they presented was an offer to buy her left eye for the sum of $50.

“At first I was like not only ‘no,’ but ‘hell no!’” Sampson said. “But they [the Russians] made me feel guilty. They said my eye would go to an elderly woman, blind from birth, who only had six months to live. She desperately wanted to see before she died, even if it were only through one eye. I spent the longest ten minutes of my life trying to decide if I should sell it or not.”

Sampson finally agreed to help the blind woman, but needed more than fifty dollars for the groceries she was planning to purchase. Sampson said asking for more money led to a somewhat intense back and forth negotiation with the Russians until both parties finally settled on one hundred dollars cash.

“At first they wanted to write me a check, but I’m not stupid. Even though they seemed sorta nice, they might have tried to write a bad check. I’ve had people write me bad checks before. I told them I’m a cash only girl,” said Sampson.

The Russians had their own doctor extract the eye in a medical room they had conveniently setup inside the warehouse, and Sampson was dropped back at her panhandling spot the next day.

Sampson said she’s now adjusting ‘okay’ to life with one eye, minus a couple of infections, but was just glad she could buy groceries for her children.

“Plus, I got to make an old woman somewhere very happy by giving her the gift of limited vision,” said Sampson, proudly.

FIFA World Cup Committee Banning Teams That Refer To Sport As ‘Soccer’

Posted on October 6, 2014 by JP

ZURICH, Switzerland –

Some truly bitter news for soccer fans today. After years of debate, the board of trustees for the World Cup committee have come to an agreement, and it’s one that may hurt the USA Soccer team. It has been decided that any team that does not wish to call the sport by what they consider its true name, football, will be immediately banned from competition.

According to representatives of the organization, they feel that it is ‘disrespectful’ to call the sport something that it isn’t, and no other organization would ever stand for this to happen in any other sport.

“It’s like calling a man a woman, or a Korean a Mexican. We just can’t allow it,” Said Prince Ali Bin Al-Hussein, vice-president of FIFA. “The sport is known in more countries as football, and indeed you primarily use your feet to play. Basketball is still basketball no matter what country you’re in. Why is our sport any different?”

The committee stated they felt that out of all the sporting events in this world, besides the Olympics, ‘football’ is one that caters to all nations, big or small.

“f most of the world is on board to play, then they should be on the same page in every aspect of the sport, even the name,” said Al-Hussein. “The name of the sport is football. If anything, the American sport should change their name to something that reflects that sport. I’m suggesting ‘overlong game of toss’ or ‘penalties for everything.'”

“Football is a beautiful sport – and I’m not talking about the American version where men grab butts, wear tights, roll around on the ground with each other,” continued Al-Hussein. “They throw the ball with their hands. Why did they ever even call it football? I’m talking about the truly exciting sport of football, where men run up and down the field for hours, and scoring a goal is so hard that they hug and cheer when even a single point is earned,” said Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA.

There has been no official word by the US team on plans to change their name to the US Football Team, but production has been put in motion by the team owners to create new uniforms and memorabilia. With the US doing as well as they did in last year’s World Cup, franchise owners have said they have ‘no desire’ to miss out on any playing time by something ‘so silly’ as what the team is called.

CBS Orders New Reality Show; ‘Survivor: Ebola’ To Air Early 2015

Posted on October 3, 2014 by Andrew Husband

DALLAS, Texas –

Ahead of a press conference scheduled for next week, CBS Television today announced a half-season order of the hit show Survivor, this time to take place in the United States, and being released as Survivor: Ebola. Jeff Probst, host of the Survivor series since its original premiere in 2000, will return after completing experimental treatments at an Atlanta hospital. As it has in the past, CBS generally orders half-seasons of its successful reality television offerings instead of full ones. That way, the network can better organize its fall, spring, and summer schedules.

The order comes as no surprise to industry experts, but the change of location does. “No season of Survivor has ever been shot stateside,” notes critic Tevi Guyd. “And with the new iterations enhanced sense of danger, it’s a bold move by the network and the production company to move to a local location, especially Texas.” Filming has already been underway for sometime in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, including recently publicized location shoots at a Dallas hospital.

When the fall television season gets underway, the major networks program new shows and axe old ones almost as fast as an apocalyptic contagion. “Good thing the new series spread as quickly as it did last year,” says executive producer Mark Burnett. “Within mere days, our Nielsen ratings went through the roof! It was as if you’d stuck a thermometer in someone’s mouth, and they had a fever, and the mercury broke the glass. Like in one of the old cartoons.”

“Our numbers were higher than they’d ever been in the last ten years,” says Probst from behind a CDC quarantine in Dallas. “We were worried that, with ratings plummeting and advertisers bailing on us, we were dead in the water. We weren’t sure if the show had run its course, or if audiences had become immune to us. All this recent success is due to Mark’s ingenuity.”

“He’s being too nice,” says Burnett. “Jeff is a hell of a guy, and a world-class reality show host. I can’t think of anyone else we’d rather risk sacrificing to this new Ebola epidemic than him.” All gesturing aside, Survivor: Ebola owes its infectious popularity to Burnett’s quick thinking. Inspired by local news report from Guinea in late 2013, the television mogul sent a crew to scout the west African country for leads. When all except one of the party’s members made it back to New York unscathed by the trip and was cleared by the CDC, Burnett knew he had a hit in the making. “I simply did what anyone else in my profession would do,” he finally admits. “I pounced.” And pounce he did.

Like its predecessors, Survivor: Ebola pits 16 contestants against each other in a two-tribe format, and against one another in a “survival of the fittest” mentality. Not only will they be fighting against one another and the threat of infection, but they will also be dealing with their ill-conceived notions of Ebola. The only contestant to have any medical experience is Dr. Casey Schuler of Houston, Texas.

“I can’t believe all the action happening for this season we’re shooting now,” Probst says. “Fans of both Survivor and the Ebola virus itself are going to be getting a special treat come next year!”

Survivor: Ebola is set to air in January on CBS.

WWE Wrestler John Cena To Make Debut In UFC This Month

Posted on October 2, 2014 by JP

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

One of the most popular professional wrestlers in the WWE has decided to take a new step in his career. John Cena, both a fan favorite and one of the most hated men in wrestling today, will be taking away from the entertainment ring, and heading to the real fights of the octagon this month

It has been announced that Cena, who has been training under MMA legend Chuck Liddell for several months, will face his first professional fight in mid-October.

At this point, it is unclear who Cena will be facing in his initial bout, but UFC sources have said not to expect his first fight to be against any ‘all-star’ fighter. Cena reportedly got the idea to fighting in the MMA arena from fellow pro-wrestler and one-time UFC champion Brock Lesner, but fans and sports insiders alike are already questioning if he can handle taking on the ‘real fights’ of the UFC.

“Cena is very prepared. He knows these are real badass fighters, throwing real punches and kicks,” said UFC president Dana White. “Cena is not taking this lightly, like the hits he takes in the WWE. I mean, there is almost a 100% certainty that he is going to get his ass handed to him, but at least he knows what’s coming. Cena is a marvelous showman, and will certainly put on a great show for us in the UFC.”

Cena did speak to the press, and although not very clear about his wrestling future, he was very concerned about his upcoming fight for the UFC.

“Whoever they have me facing, he is going to wish that the fight was as staged as pro wrestling. For decades the WWE, and wrestling in general, have been the joke of the sports world,” said Cena. “They see people like me, jacked and ‘pretending,’ and they think I can’t hold my own. This is to prove that I’m a real fighter, and can take it and give it, 100 percent. I’ve been in the ring. I’ve been in front of Hollywood cameras. This is just the next notch in my belt. Wrestling may be pre-determined, but it’s not fake. I didn’t tear my pectoral muscle completely in half playing hopscotch.”

It has been rumored that Cena may fight Kimbo Slice in his first bout, but so far nothing is signed on paper. Kimbo Slice, who became famous after internet videos showed him in street fights dominating contenders, turned out to be a complete joke once he entered the UFC, losing every match. He was released from his contract with the company, but they have agreed to possibly sign him for this one final bout against Cena.

The WWE has Cena under contract, and judging by the amount of publicity he raises for the company, not to mention the millions of dollars he makes for owner Vince McMahon, that contract probably has an end date of ‘never.’ The company has not commented on how often Cena will still be featured in WWE events, but a schedule of a UFC fighter can be pretty time-consuming. It fair to assume that Cena will be dividing his time between the squared-circle and the octagon come this fall.

Illinois Passes Law Banning Both Plastic and Paper Bags

Posted on October 1, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Quickly following California governor Jerry Brown’s ban on plastic bags in his state, Illinois lawmakers announced that they would not be ‘out done’, and quickly passed a law banning both plastic and paper bags from grocery and department stores throughout the state.

“For some reason, there has been talk for years in several states, with California leading the way, of banning plastic bags – and only plastic bags,” said Illinois congressman Aaron Silver. “I understand that the use of oils for creating something that people throw away almost instantly is a waste, but apparently these other states aren’t aware that it causes more environmental pollution and total waste to create paper bags over plastic.”

Environmentalists agree with Silver’s stance on the topic. Science professor at Chicago University Myles Kent was at the forefront of getting paper bags banned along with plastic throughout Illinois.

“Just for paper bags alone, more than 14 million trees are cut down annually,” said Kent. “It takes almost 4 times as much energy, and causes almost 70% more air pollutants to make a paper bag than it does to make a plastic bag. Banning plastic is nonsense. If you’re going to ban one, you really need to ban the other.”

Consumers who learned of the impending changes to their grocery routine were confused and outraged, many wondering what they plan on replacing the bags with so that they can get their food back to their homes.

“Do they expect that I’m just going to carry all my groceries out to my car and then haul them into the house without bags? It’s completely absurd. At this point, I’d pay more just to be able to keep the bags. Isn’t that a damn trip? Pay more for something I used to get for free,” said Destiny Brown, a Chicago resident we spoke to outside of a Price Chopper grocery store. “I swear, I’ll just rip the damn pillowcases off my kid’s beds and I’ll use those. There is no way I can shop without bags.”

“Pillowcases are a pretty good idea,” admitted Silver. “We haven’t yet thought about what the bags would be replaced with, really. It has been suggested that you sew together your old clothes into make-shift bags. Pants with deep pockets might work for small trips. We also urge consumers to consider just tying a bandana to a stick, hobo-style. It’s worked for them for eons, there’s no reason it can’t become a trend amongst environmentally conscious consumers.”

“It’s just that damn government controlling how we live, once more,” continued Brown. “At this point, I might just shop for groceries and other items online and have them delivered – or are they outlawing cardboard shipping boxes in this state, too?”

Silver said that the whole point of banning both paper and plastic bags is to send a message that ‘the environment is good, and ruining it is bad.’

“We really need to save this planet for future generations. They will need oil for other, more important things than bags, like getting around in cars or making kitschy plastic gifts. They will need trees for climbing, and building tree houses, and for clean air to breathe and that sort of thing. We need to protect the people from themselves, and from harm. That’s what we do. We’re the government, and we make decisions for you.”

When asked, Silver had no comment about the possible future legislation of cardboard boxes.

Snuggie Inventor Dies After Being Suffocated By Product That Made Him Millions

Posted on September 29, 2014 by JP

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

The creator of the Snuggie, the most well-known ‘blanket with sleeves’ on the market today, was found dead Monday afternoon from presumed suffocation in his sleep. Scott Boilens’ body was discovered by a member of his cleaning staff at his home in San Francisco.

The staff member claims she went to do a simple sweep and dusting of the room, and when she began to make the bed she had realized there was a body still wrapped within the blankets.

“I just thought it was a pile of them ugly Snuggie things, you know?” said Carlotta Valdez, the cleaning lady who discovered Boilens’ body. “There are normally tons of those things piled all over the place. Leftovers, I guess, since ain’t nobody buying that cheap sleeve-blanket crap no more.”

When police arrived on the scene they declared Boilen dead, apparently strangled by the sleeve of a nearby Snuggie. The one that Boilen was wearing was in perfect, albeit stupid, condition. An autopsy report is still pending.

“In my many years of police work, I have seen a few people suffocate in their sleep, but most of the time it is due to vomiting after a night of binge drinking or excessive drug use. This one is new to us, and just a tad ironic, I suppose,” said police captain Joe Goldsmith.

Along with being the inventor the famous ‘blanket with sleeves’, Boilen was also the CEO of the company Allstar Products, and had a reported net worth of $200 million dollars, most of which was tied up in Snuggie merchandise and memorabilia.

Allstar Products was quick to point out in a statement that the Snuggies are extremely safe, and that this is the first instance where someone had been injured due to their product, with the exception of any person who has worn it in public, to which case they assume that the person’s self-esteem was severely damaged. They of course expressed their sympathies to the Boilen family.

“We know that the Snuggie was a hot item at one point a few years ago, right after it ripped off the Slanket and went to market. Now, as the winter months come upon us, more and more people might dig out their Snuggies from whatever rock they no doubt threw them under, and try to stay warm and enjoy some Netflix,” said Goldsmith.

“I have to admit myself that they are very cozy, even if they are the kitschiest thing I’ve ever seen next to the Pet Rock. That being said, you need to be careful when wearing any long, loose-fitting items when going to bed – and that includes kimonos, karate gis, or Ghostface Halloween costumes,” continued Goldsmith. “Ironically, if Mr. Boilen had chosen a loose blanket with no sleeves, he would probably still be alive today. Cold, I’m sure, but alive.”