School Forced To Change Racist Mascot, Goes From ‘Warriors’ To ‘Wetbacks’

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SKOWHEGAN, Maine –

A small high school in Maine is fueling massive controversy after being forced to change their “racist” mascot name. The school, which has had the Warrior mascot for decades, decided to change the name after pressure from the community.

“This area of Maine has a high concentration of Native Americans, and the warrior name was extremely offensive,” said Skowhegan resident Joanne Fisher. “I was one of the ones who voted for the change, because I have some Native blood in me somewhere, and I was utterly offended when I moved to the area 2 months ago. I think the new name is a lot better. I’m not Mexican, so what do I care?”

The school chose to go with the new mascot, The Skowhegan Wetback, because they said that there are, in fact, no Wetbacks in the area.

“This area has a decent population of Indians, Jews, and we have some Wops and a couple Gooks, but they keep to themselves and don’t get involved in social issues anyway,” said school superintendent Joe Goldsmith. “I for one was fine with the Warrior name. I think it had more to do with spirit than with the red-skinned people around here, but whatever. The new name works, too.”

The school says that they will be abandoning the Warrior mascot at the end of the school year.

Elementary School Student Arrested For Sharing Sandwich, Accidentally Poisoning Classmate

Posted on October 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARSON CITY, Nevada –

A 7-year-old boy was arrested and is being charged with murder after he allegedly shared a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a classmate, which causes him to have an allergic reaction and die, say police in Carson City, Nevada.

According to police reports, a child, whose identity is being withheld due to his age, brought a PB&J to class, despite the entire school being a “peanut free zone.” The act, which normally would have not been a crime, was turned into a massive ordeal after the child shared his sandwich with a classmate, 6-year-old Tommy Dill.

“Little Tommy was allergic to peanuts, and was part of the reason that the school is a peanut-free zone,” said school superintendent Carl Reiner. “Unfortunately, Tommy went into anaphylactic shock, and died on the way to the hospital.”

The child who brought the sandwich to school is being charged with reckless endangerment, murder, and attempted assault. Because this was his first time bringing peanut butter to class, he will be charged as a minor. Prosecutors say he is lucky.

“If we had heard about previous warnings about peanut butter or any nuts being brought to class by this child, then we’d have been pushing for the death penalty,” said lawyer Dewey Cheatum. “Instead, he lucked out. This was his first offense, and we’re going to just push for what we can. We’re confident that he will not see the light of day until his 40th birthday.”

Bill Nye To Be Awarded Nobel Prize

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINTGON, D.C. –

Everyone’s favorite TV scientist, Bill Nye – known for his children’s program in the 90s as well as for being a throwback internet celebrity – is being recognized for all his work in basic, 8th grade-level sciences by being awarded the Nobel Prize in Television Science.

The award, the first to be awarded by Nobel, is given to people who pretend to practice sciences on television programs. According to the Nobel committee, Nye is the “perfect candidate” for the award, as his actual knowledge of science and scientific topics is limited only to what his writers can come up with for him to explain.

“Mr. Nye has spent many years in front of TV cameras, promoting and discussing science at the most basic of levels, and his nostalgia factor from millennials is through the roof,” said Nobel committee spokesperson Marsha Lewis. “Because of his great fame on TV, and for furthering the interest in generic, half-assed sciences, we have decided to bestow upon Mr. Nye our greatest honor: The Nobel Prize In Television Science.”

Nye will be accepting his prize in a televised program to air in December.

Indiana High School Allows Students To Go Fully Nude In Class

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SHAPRIO, Indiana –

A high school in Indiana is making waves this morning, after announcing that they would no longer be requiring students to wear clothes to school. The decision comes after a month-long protest from students over a new dress code that would require uniforms.

“The students staged a sit-in over the protest of a uniform policy, and the entire student body came to class nude,” said high school principal Mike Rubio. “That day, we had no absences, and higher testing scores than ever before. We thought it might be a fluke, but all that week, every single student came to school, and they were all eager to learn. They were all also very naked, but they were engaged. It was amazing.”

The school board decided to suspend the dress code change in favor of allowing students to wear whatever they wanted. Almost all the students continued to show up to school nude.

“I love being naked,” said sophomore Lindsay Burns. “I’m usually naked at home, and this is a lot more comfortable. I’m also a lot more popular now, which is awesome. My datebook is filled until January.”

Most of the parents in the school district say they are proud that their children can look past one another’s body issues and just be in school, learning, and that nudity shouldn’t be something that is so sexualized.

“Nudity is not inherently dirty,” said Michael Jones, whose son, Phil, is a senior at the school. “Phil is fine with being naked, and he’s definitely not got an issue with the girls being naked, either, if you know what I mean. Heh heh. Seriously though, these kids stood up for something, and now they get to strip down for something. It’s a win for them all, and I’m super proud to be a parent here.”

West Point Students Revealed To Be Pussies After Injuries Sustained In Pillow Fight

Posted on September 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK, New York –

Over 30 West Point cadets were injured during a campus-wide pillow fight last week, leading most people throughout the country to worry that the US military may, in fact, be training a large group of pussies.

“There were at least 30 cadets who were injured during a pillow fight, several of them were injured seriously, and had to be hospitalized,” said West Point teacher Richard Branson. “It’s a shame. I am trying very hard to teach these kids to be strong, military-style men. Instead, they’re being hospitalized after being hit in the face with a pillow. Pussies.”

West Point made an official comment on Monday, saying that they are definitely not “training groups of pussies” at their esteemed institution.

“West Point is one of the oldest military academies in the country, and we train the best of the best,” said the memo posted to West Point’s website. “This pillow fight and the purported injuries are not indicative of the kind of men we are training at our academy. These weaklings will be dealt with accordingly, and several may even be forced to leave the academy. We do not train pussies at this school.”

“I’m definitely not a pussy,” said West Point student Joe Goldsmith. “I got hit a bunch of times, but hell, they’re just pillows. Sure, I was bleeding a bit, and I think some people may have been using ‘firm’ pillows when we strictly said goose down only, but you know, military life is tough, and everyone should be sucking it up.”

West Point says that they will be further investigating the incident, and “dealing appropriately” with anyone they deem to be too pussified to continue their education at the school.

University of New Hampshire To Close; Schools Deems Everything ‘Too Offensive’

Posted on July 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

After an internet firestorm was ignited over the University of New Hampshire releasing a “language guide” that lists the word ‘American’ as offensive, it seems as though the entire school system in the Granite State has decided to shut down permanently, finding that it is better to not teach the students at all in such an offensive environment.

“We decided it was best for the students of UNH to not learn anything at all than be forced to sit through classes, walk through campuses, eat school lunches, or attend school events that may be construed as ‘offensive,'” said Dean of Students Geraldine Charles. “The term ‘American’ was found offensive by at least one student, so we made a note of it in our language guide. Then, other students were offended that someone was offended. Then even more students were offended that those first students were offended, and soon, all we had was one big group of angry students who were more focused on being upset by something than learning about anything.”

“According to statistics, at least 1 out of every 2 people find every single post on the internet offensive, whether that be a picture of a cat, or a political statement, or a thought about a recent film,” said Dr. Joseph Thomas, who studies what people find offensive, and their overreactions to everything, at his offices at Cambridge. “Frankly, there is nothing at this point that someone, somewhere, won’t find offensive. And honestly, if we’re getting right down to brass tacks, that to me is pretty damn offensive.”

The University of New Hampshire may not be the only school to close its doors, after schools in New Mexico, Arizona, Delaware, and Georgia have also found that their idiot students may or may not get offended over everyday, casual concepts, words, and ideas, too.

New Drug Craze In Teens Poses Huge Risk; Kids Huffing Milk To Get High

Posted on July 3, 2015 by JP

SANTA ANA, California –

A new substance has become a hot topic issue in recent weeks, after a local mother found her son collapsed in his room under the influence of a new drug. While current well-known drugs such as Molly, marijuana, and Adderall have become a well-known way for teenagers to get high, new reports of a common household item being abused is now under investigation by the DEA.

According to reports, teens are now huffing milk to get high. A recent double-blind study shows that at least 73% of children between the age of 11-19 have admitted to having huffed milk at least one time. The street name for this deadly new trend is called “Cookie Monstering,” or sometimes simply “dipping the cookie.”

“It has to be the easiest way for a child to get high, and every nearly child can get his hand on some milk,” said Corey Wright, a DEA agent who has been tracking milk huffing for almost a year. “We initially received several reports from police stations of kids admitting they were huffing milk, but at first thought the children just didn’t want to admit to using other drugs. After a huge amount of complaints from parents though, we finally decided to give this ‘getting high on milk thing’ a closer look.”

Scientist Betsy Heffer explains that the extra hormones in milk give off a happy, elated feeling, and in a closed container being inhaled over and over again, milk can cause the same effects as the street drug Ecstasy.

“The more potent the milk, the stronger the high,” said Heffer in a recent statement. “Basically, if you buy only whole milk, your kids can get dangerously high. As you go down, to say 2%, 1%, or skim milk, the high becomes less intense, although it is still there. Certain flavored milks, like pre-bottled chocolate or coffee milks are the worst, though. They contain extra sugars, which when mixed with the added hormones in milk can cause a high unlike most any other drug kids can get.”

The DEA is requesting parents keep their milk locked up, and that they closely monitor their children during times of drinking milk or using it in cereals, oatmeals, etc.

Alabama Schools To Begin Phasing Out Math, Science Classes

Posted on May 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

$Alabama Schools To Begin Phasing Out Math, Science Classes$

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

In a bid to give more focus to specific requirements of education that they feel are most important, officials in the Alabama school district in Huntsville say they are working to phase out math and science classes, to focus on subjects that they say ‘matter the most.’

“Our students have an abysmal time, as do most students throughout the country, reading and writing,” said school superintendent Russell Davis. “If we remove math and science, as well as gym and after-school sports, from the students’ curriculum, it will give us more time to focus on teaching them proper grammar and language skills.”

Testing scores in English and grammar, as well as reading comprehension, have been done throughout the state of Alabama for over a decade, declining year-over-year. With math scores staying steadily in the ‘average’ area, school officials began making the necessary steps to eliminate what they consider ‘extra work.’

“It’s time we got rid of math. Most of our kids are proficient enough at basic math, and since they’ll all end up working at some fast food joint anyway, all they need to know how to do is make change,” said school principal George Jackson. “But, they’ll never be able to get a job at all if they can’t read the application and write their name down correctly. It’s a win-win for these stupid kids.”

Other states will be watching closely to see the results of the new curriculum in Alabama, with a specific focus on future test scores.

“I’m so glad that Joey isn’t going to be bringing home math anymore,” said Marsha Goldsmith, mother of 12-year-old Joey. “I don’t know shit about math, and I barely have time after getting home from work at Burger King to figure out his damn problems. It’ll be much easier just showing him how to conjugate a verb.”

Adding Suffix ‘Gate’ To End Of Word Doesn’t Automatically Make It A Scandal

Posted on May 3, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a new study by the Department Of Internet Relations, the word ‘gate’ has appeared more frequently online in the last year than ever before, as media and news outlets have begun adding the suffix to anything that they wanted to make seem more important or newsworthy.

“Gamergate, Shirtgate, Bridgegate, Flowergate, RiotGate, and more have appeared in national headlines over the last year and a half, and none of the incidents that were being reported were ever really that important,” said DIR spokesman Rick Facts. “Yes, some trolls got made at girls in gaming on the internet. Yes, some scientist wore a shirt with naked women on it. So what? Those things are not important. They’re barely even newsworthy, but – through the ‘gate’ on the end, and you’ve got a big thing, at least according to the media.”

Watergate, the scandal during President Nixon’s time in office that lead to him eventually stepping down from office, is the first major news story to feature the ‘gate’ suffix, but in a slightly different context – the hotel that the name references was actually called the Watergate, they didn’t add it on to make the scandal more important.

“That’s the difference between then and now,” said Facts. “Watergate was a real scandal, and a real securities issue. These things now, these people – they just throw ‘gate’ onto the end of a word and they want it to become the next big thing. Sorry, no. Feminists and internet trolls will never be to the level of a government cover-up, no matter what word you call it.”

Facts says that people should be forced to just call these things what they are – non-news.

“I hope someday that people will stop calling everything ‘whatevergate’ just to make it seem scandalous. For crying out loud, just report the news, and stop being stupid.”

School In Arizona To Automatically Pass All Students To Avoid ‘Hurting Anyone’s Feelings’

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JEROME, Arizona –

A school board in Jerome, Arizona has voted to pass all students through each grade, regardless of the student’s grades or abilities, each year up to, and including, graduation senior year. The school says that it is in an effort to “decrease student drop-out rates” and “increase morale amongst the kids.”

According to the Jerome Gazette, the drop-out rate for students in their school district is a whopping 63%.

“Most kids here, they make it to about 7th or 8th grade, then they drop out. It’s really frustrating. We have good teachers but bad students, basically,” said school board president Larry Moore. “They start leaving when they realize they’ll never graduate anyway, so they’d rather start working at their fast food job then, rather than waiting and feeling sorry for themselves.”

School superintendent Florence Simms says that they decided to just start passing students regardless of their level of comprehension of a subject, and regardless of grades, so that more kids might be tempted to stay in school.

“It doesn’t matter that they know we’re passing them even if they’re completely stupid,” said Simms. “What matters is they’re staying, coming to school for the 8 hours each day, and eventually, something might sink in. I’d rather that they have a little bit more education, even if it’s just learning their times tables or how to write in cursive, before heading off to the world of work than having almost no education. Plus, we sometimes had kids who did apply themselves, and graduated for real. One with honors, even. So how does that make the rest of the kids feel? Horrible. We don’t want to hurt their feelings.”

Students seems mostly pleased with the new rule on automatic passing, saying that they are happy they will end up with an actual diploma.

“I was pretty much ready to drop out,” said 14-year-old Michael Davidson. “My dad dropped out. Grandpa dropped out. Mom dropped out when she got pregnant with my sister. Oh, yeah – my sister dropped out, too. Guess I’ll be the first one in my family to get a high school degree. Shit, maybe I can go to college now, too!”

Simms says that the program is one that she hopes other schools with high drop-out rates will consider, modeling their programs after what Jerome has done.

“It’s a real winner,” said Simms. “This year, we’ll have 14 graduates! That’s 12 more than last year. By 2035, we anticipate having a graduating class of over 200. Mostly because all these idiots who we’re passing through will be boning like mad and having more idiot kids. The cycle is strong, here in Jerome.”