Movie Theatres Begin Charging Extra To Patrons Who Leave Behind Mess

Posted on April 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Several large movie theatre chains have come together to begin enforcing new rules in their establishments. According to memos sent to employees for General Cinema, Cinema Center, Frontier Theaters, and Cineline Theaters, all state that beginning May 1st, patrons who leave behind their popcorn bags or buckets, or soda cups will be forced to pay an “exit fee.”

“Basically, we gave up on people. It is impossible for most theatre customers to buy food, take it into the theatre, and then take it back out again when they leave,” said General Cinema manager Tom Joseph. “Instead, before patrons are allowed to leave, we will watch to see who leaves behind their food, or who has spilled or made large messes in the aisles. These people will have to pay an additional $5, or be forced to clean up their own mess.”

“The entire project is a cost-saving measure for us,” said Cineline CEO Milton Browne. “We pay employees top minimum-wage dollars to work for us, and they have to clean up after hundreds, maybe thousands of people a day, who cannot seem to get the popcorn from the bucket to their faces without throwing it over three aisles. It’s absurd. This way, people will be inclined to keep things neat and tidy, or else they’ll be faced with a fine. No different than a littering fine out in the world.”

Most patrons say that they will refuse to continue seeing movies in the theatre if they are forced to pay additional fees.

“This is some serious bullshit,” said frequent movie goer Charles Demar. “I like to go in with my nachos, chips, drinks, and huge bags of candy, plop my fat ass in a seat, and proceed to plow through it all, making as much of a mess as I want. Now they want me to stay neat or pay an additional fine? Get real.”

“I will never go to any of these theatres again,” said Bonnie Richards, a mother of 3 small children. “I often take my wreckless, loud, obnoxious, asshole children with me to see movies, and they like to run around and throw popcorn and make a mess. I should be allowed to let them do that, while disturbing everyone else in the theatre, and then not have to worry about cleaning up after them. I do enough cleaning up at home. Frankly, I hope every single one of these chains goes out of business.”

Man Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens, Forced To Probe Them

Posted on April 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

Paul Young, 32, of Lexington, Kentucky, says that he was abducted by aliens sometime last month, and despite what people are always saying, the aliens had no desire to probe him anally.

“To be honest, I was kinda looking forward to a little anal probing from some intergalactic sex gods,” said Young to a local newspaper. “They were completely turned off by the idea, though. Turns out, aliens prefer for us to do the probing on them. It was still a really surreal experience.”

Young says that while walking through town late at night in mid-March, he spotted a hovering object on the horizon, and no sooner had he been able to get a look at it and try to comprehend what he was seeing, it vanished.

“It literally just ‘poofed!’ out of the air, and it was gone,” said Young. “I naturally thought I was imagining it, because I was tripping something major on some great shrooms, but then out of nowhere, it appeared over my head, and a giant beam of green light came down, washing over me. I got really warm, and then I was sucked up into their ship.”

Young claims that he was kept on board their spacecraft for over a week, while they forced him to probe their anuses, massage their tenticles, and cook them food.

“It really wasn’t that bad. I kind of liked it, actually,” said Young. “It’s been hard to find a man down here, and they really knew how to treat a guy up there in the ship. Honestly, I hope that they come back again. I’m always down for a little more probing, if you know what I mean.”

Saturday Night Live To Move To Wednesday 7PM Time Slot

Posted on April 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

For the last 40 years, Saturday Night Live has aired their sketch comedy show on late night television, and of course, it has always been aired on Saturday nights. Now, some big changes are underway in hopes of reenergizing a brand that has exposed the world to some of the best comedians of all time.

“Basically, we need to shake things up,” said SNL executive Lorne Michaels. “We’ve been on for 40 years, the same night, same time, doing the same kinds of things. We need to stay competitive in TV, and this is a change that has been long overdue.”

According to NBC, the network that airs the show, and Michaels, SNL will move from its current time slot to one that NBC feels will help boost ratings, choosing to air the show Wednesday nights at 7pm.

“Right now, there is nothing good to watch on TV Wednesday nights at 7pm, and we hope to change that,” said NBC Chairman Robert Greenblatt. “Moving SNL to Wednesday is a huge change, but one that both Lorne and the network really feel will breathe a new life into the stagnant show.”

Saturday Night Live will reportedly retain its name, although aside from the Saturday part changing, the Live part will reportedly be changing as well.

“Yeah, we’re going to tape it on Monday afternoons now,” said Michaels. “To be honest, no one will notice anyway. It will allow us to get better performances from our cast and guests, as well as allow us to hone the bits a little more. They tend to fall flat most of the time right now, and we can change that for sure. The pre-taped segments, like Dick In A Box or Lazy Sunday by The Lonely Island were always the more popular ones, anyway. Now, the whole show can be a YouTube sensation!”

The show will take up its new time slot starting next season.

Baker Creates Sweet Frosting Using His Own Diabetic Blood

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHMOND, Virginia –

A diabetic man has put his recent diagnosis to work by creating a thick, maple syrup-like condiment from his own blood. James Dyer, 46, says that he had recently been feeling very ill, and was often lightheaded, and decided he needed to see his doctor.

“I went to my doctor, and he gave me a diagnosis of diabetes. I wasn’t really shocked, it definitely runs in the family, and that’s pretty much the only thing that runs in my family,” said Dyer. “I was really depressed for a few days, ’cause I fucking love cake and that’s not supposed to be happening anymore, but then I decided that this could be the break I needed.”

Dyer, a pastry chef by trade, said that since his blood was so sweet, he figured he could make a syrup out of it for use in his baking.

“I had an A1C count of 24. That’s stupid high. I should have been dead,” said Dyer. “My blood sugar when I went to my doctor was 900. I don’t even know what that means, except for the fact that my blood is sweeter than the stevia plant everyone raves about now, and it’s just as all natural.”

Dyer uses the blood condiment in his flavorings for his pastries, including for filling and frosting.

“People really like it, and come to find out, it’s not illegal, so this is all good. The kids and families can’t get enough,” said Dyer. “I don’t have much time left on this earth, but I am not going to let my sugary blood dictate my life and my eating habits. I will eat what I want. To be damned with insulin. I’m going to profit off my sweet, diabetic blood!”

New Teen Trend Has Kids Licking Each Other’s Hair To Get High

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GROVER, Mississippi –

A new trend amongst teens and young adults throughout most of the midwest has emerged, and it’s one of the weirdest ones yet. According to Hardline Magazine, a popular periodical for teens, kids in Mississippi have begun licking each other’s hair in order to get high.

From Hardline:

It was amazing to us too, but human hair is apparently a very powerful psychedelic with a great ‘body high,’ and teens have begun licking each other in record numbers.

Dr. Richard Kimble, of Floyd Memorial Hospital in Grover, Mississippi says that he’s already seen 2 teens overdose, and that he’s extremely scared that it could become an epidemic if not controlled immediately.

“These teens, they don’t understand that even if they are getting high off licking each other’s hair, your hair contains millions and millions of microbes that can cause illness or death,” said Dr. Kimble. “Aside from just the gross things like possible lice or dandruff, there are also various bacteria that could render you completely paralyzed, comatose, or violently ill. I am warning all parents to watch for signs of your child licking hair.”

Dr. Kimble says that parents can look for swollen eyes, thick, cotton-like mouth, and also blisters on the tongue.

“I don’t even care what the doctors say, I’ve never been so fucking high in my life,” said Louis Carter, 16. “I lick my girlfriend’s hair all the time, and she licks mine. We have also experimented with licking armpit hair, and also licking pubic hair. Armpit hair didn’t get me high, but pubic hair led to some great sex. Only hair on the head will give you the trip, though.”

“If you suspect that your teen might be addicted to licking hair, please, get them help immediately. If you believe your child has been having his or her head licked, then please shave their head, while they sleep if necessary, and put a stop to this horrid drug abuse quickly.”

‘Fast And Furious 8’ To Feature Entirely CGI-Created Paul Walker

Posted on April 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

After bringing in over $200 million in domestic box office grosses in just over 2 weeks, and over a billion dollars worldwide, it was a no-brainer that the Fast and Furious franchise would continue after the success of the latest film, Furious 7. The movie, released April 3rd, marked the final installment in the series for Paul Walker, who played ex-police officer Brian O’Conner, when he died during filming of the movie in November of 2013.

The latest film gives a peaceful and loving tribute to the man who, by all accounts, was as much a loving family man off-screen as he was on. The ending of the movie has caused fans to shed more than a few tears, and that’s why it was with great amazement and surprise that the studio announced that the as-yet-untitled 8th film in the series, was set to star Paul Walker again – this time in a completely CGI-created way.

“Paul died during the filming of the seventh film, and we were able to finish his scenes using stand-ins with CGI-matted faces and voices taken from previous and other films,” said film producer Joe Goldsmith. “When we saw how great it came out, it became obvious that we could keep Paul alive in the next movie, via complete CGI.”

Many fans are saying that they think it’s a great idea, and that it will be nice to see Walker in another film, despite his untimely death.

“I think it’s an awesome idea,” said one fan on Twitter, who goes by the name @FaFFan4Eva. “I love Paul, and I’m glad he continue on. Vin Diesel says Paul always wanted at least 8 movies, so now there can be one! Also, now we can get other dead stars back in movies, too!”

Although no script has been written and no official announcement made for initial filming, producers are confident that the next Fast film will be the biggest yet.

“If you thought people came in droves to see our goodbye to Paul,” said Goldsmith. “just wait until you see them show up for his resurrection!”

Two Men Transported To Hospital After Horrible ‘Docking’ Sex-Act Accident

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN FRANCISCO, California –

Two unnamed men were admitted to a San Francisco hospital yesterday after becoming stuck together during a sex-act known as ‘docking.’ Apparently popular in the homosexual community, docking is when a man sticks the head of his erect penis against the head of his partner’s, and his partner will cover his penis with the foreskin. The pair then perform mutual masturbation while standing or laying next to one another.

Doctors say that the men, who were both in their early 30s, were brought into the emergency room after becoming ‘fused together’ while docking.

“Basically, the man’s foreskin was too tight to really stretch around his partner’s penis, and when they began the act, the skin pulled tighter. This, mixed with sweat and pre-ejaculate, caused the men to be stuck together,” said Dr. Patrick Darcy of the San Francisco General Hospital. “We brought the pair into surgery, where we essentially performed an adult circumcision on one of the men. It was quick, but no doubt extremely painful for both of them.”

A nurse who spoke with Empire News under the promise of annonymity said that she almost couldn’t stop laughing when the men were brought in.

“I’m not homophobic or anything. I don’t care what they were doing – hell, it probably felt great before this happened,” said the nurse. “But I tell you, the guys, when they got wheeled in, most of us nurses had to rush to the bathrooms or the break room and just belt out with laughter. It was too much – and I’m not talking about the penis sizes, either.”

The men were treated and released shortly after the minor surgery.

Charlie Sheen Duped By Horror Film Again! Turns ‘Snuff Movie’ Over To FBI

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

History is apparently repeating itself for Charlie Sheen. In 1991, the world-famous actor came into possession of a now-popular underground horror film from Japan titled Guinea Pig. The movie, which is graphically violent, depicts acts so real, that the actor believed that he was watching an actual snuff film, with people actually being killed on screen. He turned the film over to the FBI, who after an investigation probably had a good laugh at all the wasted tax dollars once they found out it was staged.

This year, a new version of the film, titled American Guinea Pig, was released after a successful crowdfunding campaign on Indiegogo.com. The new movie, which also features extreme scenes of violence, is set up, as was the original, to appear to be a real snuff film. The movie’s creators – one of whom is a special effects professional who has worked on many films over a long, successful career – purposely made the movie look as realistic as possible to appease a strong following of gore-hound fans.

According to reports, Charlie Sheen was given a burned, ‘bootleg’ copy of the movie on DVD, and was told that it was something real and “very underground.” After watching the film, Sheen reportedly turned the copy over to the FBI, again telling them he believed that he had found a real snuff movie, and that they should investigate.

Thankfully for the filmmakers, FBI investigation has come a long way since 1991, and a quick Google search revealed an IMDb page, crowdfunding campaign, and still images of the movie online. They informed Sheen that he had, once again, been fooled.

“Basically at this point, we are no longer going to be accepting any movies or leads on snuff films from Charlie Sheen,” said FBI director Marshall Givens. “He has proven to us that he cannot tell a movie from real life, and wasted our time, again, on a horror movie. Granted, American Guinea Pig was gory, but come on – it was awesome. Actually, the whole office got together after [Sheen] sent it to us, and we watched it, and we had a great time. Those gore effects were unbelievable. Obviously, there are no real snuff films, or we’d have found them by now. Unless you count Sheen in Terminal Velocity. Now that is some messed up stuff!”

“In 1991 Charlie Sheen was admittedly high as a kite on what he’s said was pounds of pure cocaine, ‘7-gram rocks,’ as he put it – which would be enough to kill a whale. A whale with a serious cocaine problem,” said special investigator on the case, Mark Belson. “Reportedly clean now, we did take his word that it was a real snuff movie this time, but no – he’s still getting easily duped by very realistic special effects and fake blood. Real blood, that is – not tiger’s blood.”

FBI investigators say that the creators of American Guinea Pig will, of course, face no charges for their film.

Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Incites Riots, $250k Damage

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEACONSFIELD, Iowa –

A small town in Iowa has completely banned all music from being played within city limits after a punk rock music concert caused over $250,000 in damage to local businesses.

According to police chief Mario Fellows, a punk rock music concert was booked at the Beaconsfield American Legion, featuring an underground band called ‘CarcinomaSnail’ as the headliner. The band, who are known for their intense live shows which feature songs about death, murder, and misogyny, filled the town – which normally only has 150 permanent residents – with over 500 punk and rock music fans from the surrounding area, most of whom were reportedly rowdy, drunk, and violent.

“We ended up having about 47 arrests the night of the concert,” said Officer Fellows. “The show ended and the kids, they just went out and basically rioted. They overturned cars, destroyed windows of buildings and stores, set fires, and held up a liquor-slash-convienience store for the entire day’s take – $11.48.”

Fellows said that the show’s promoters, a small group called WeRockU out of Des Moines, had gained permission from the local American Legion to hold the show there after they were not able to secure a venue in a bigger area.

“We lost the lease at our normal venue, because Des Moines kids were always having fights or passing out drunk or nodding off, whatever,” said WeRockU’s Matt Briggs. “So we set up the show in Beaconsfield, where we figured no one would give a shit what we did. Turns out, the kids from Des Moines who just go to any punk show they can, they came out here, and yeah, guess we had some similar issues. But, man, whatever. Punk-fucking-rock, right, bros?”

The town is suing WeRockU for breach of contract, which stated that no damage would happen to the Legion building, or the surrounding town. WeRockU has filed a countersuit, claiming that the Legion did not provide adequate parking as was stated in the original agreement.

Officer Fellows says that the headlining act was not held responsible or charged with inciting a riot.

“As it turns out, they’re actually really nice people,” said Officer Fellows. “They play some angry music from what I could hear while I was outside the building, but they were just sweet, nice folks who played their music, and left peacefully to head to their next gig. Everything happened after they had left. They’re fine guys and gals who I hope make it very big and have lots of success.”

The town decided to ban all music, live or recorded, in hopes that no one ever has the intention of bringing a rock show to their town in the future. A new sign has been posted on each end of the one-road town stating “Welcome To Beaconsfield – Throw Out Your Records.”

Bill Gates To Appear On Next Season of ABC Show ‘Shark Tank’

Posted on April 17, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Although they had tried to keep the news quiet, ABC recently confirmed rumors that the world’s richest man, Bill Gates, the former chairman of Microsoft Computers, would be a guest on their hit TV series Shark Tank.

“We are super, super excited to get Bill Gates onto our show,” said producer Ryan Miller. “He’s the richest man in the world, worth over $52 billion dollars. He could theoretically invest in any product that comes his way, and whether it’s a winner or a loser, it wouldn’t matter in the slightest – he’d still be the richest man in the world.”

Fans of the show they are very excited to see Gates on the series, as he is well known for his extreme generosity when it comes to charities and investments.

“It’s going to be so cool! I hope he invests in everything,” said fan Marsha Tyler on the Shark Tank Facebook page. “He’s literally the American dream – build something, steal some things, drop out of college, and burn your way to the top. It’s amazing!”

Several people, though, are not as enthusiastic about Gates coming onto the show – the current panel of “Shark” Investors.

Marc Cuban, who is the only billionaire sitting regularly on the panel, says there is already animosity towards him because he is more wealthy than all the other sharks – combined.

“They already hate me because I make great business decisions, and I’m worth more money than all of them together,” Said Cuban. “Personally, I appreciate when others have success, even if it’s more success than me. I’m super happy to have Bill come on the show – but I know the others will be insanely jealous. Even the super-rich get jealous of those that have more than they do.”

Other guests on the show have included comedian and entrepreneur Jeff Foxworthy, who has an estimated net worth of $100 million, and GoPro Camera inventor Nicholas Woodman, who is the wealthiest investor to appear on the show so far, worth over $3.5 billion. Mark Cuban is worth an estimated $2.7 billion.

Bill Gates says he is “excited” to be on the show, but doesn’t know what he is looking to invest in, but hopes that at least one of the companies has created a new, better prophylactic.