Texas Man Sentenced To Death For Cooking Girlfriends Dog, Serving It To Family For Dinner

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

DALLAS, Texas –

Anthony Rojas, 29, of Dallas, Texas has been sentenced to death by the state of Texas for cooking his live-in girlfriends dog, a three-year old Pomeranian named Bugsy, then serving it to the woman and her parents for dinner.

Gloria Martinez, 33, called police on the evening of October 22, 2013 after discovering that Rojas had cooked her beloved dog for dinner. In the official police report, Martinez stated that Rojas had offered to make dinner for her and her parents and had finished their meals and began calling for Bugsy to feed him leftovers. Martinez said that after her parents complimented Rojas on the meal and had left for the evening, that he then told her that he had cooked and served Bugsy for dinner because they had no meat and no money to buy any.

In a lengthy trial, prosecutors persuaded the jury that Rojas had planned to kill the pet, and that the act was indeed, premeditated murder of a loved family member. He was found guilty of first degree murder by the 12 jurors. Sentencing was then handled by Judge Mary Joe Henderson, who just happens to be a dog-loving owner of two Pomeranians of her own. She chastised Rojas during the hearing before sentencing. “Mr. Rojas, you are a coward and a murderer of a beloved family member, I hereby sentence you to death,” the Judge announced. The verdict is the first of its kind in the United States.

Martinez, pleased with the sentence stated that she believes Rojas deserved the death sentence, “Bugsy was my true love and he knew it, he was jealous, so he cooked him and fed him to me without me knowing, and it is sickening” Martinez said. When asked what Bugsy tasted like, Martinez told a reporter from the Dallas Herald that he “tasted like chicken.”

Lawsuit Filed Against Nicki Minaj, Kim Kardashian By Small-Bottomed Women

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

The nation’s small butts have finally gotten together to file a class-action suit against Nicki Minaj and Kim Kardashian, along with other big-bootied celebrities. The lawsuit has been a long time coming, with small butts having voiced numerous complaints about their treatment in recent media.

“What Minaj and Kardashian and their ilk have done to us is nothing short of defamation,” said leader of the Big Butt Coalition, Sonny Peru. “We used to be proud of our size, even when Sir Mix-A-Lot couldn’t lie to us about liking big butts. That was all in good fun. But Minaj’s assertion that her ‘anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns hun,’ maligns us, turning us into a laughing stock. We’re the butt of everyone’s jokes,” he added, and laughed awkwardly at his cheesy quip.

Other body part groups have hailed the action as a possible landmark move, stating that if the small butts win their suit, it will pave the way for their own future actions.

“We’ve been struggling under the pressure of our bigger counterparts for decades now, maybe centuries,” stated head of the Small Breasts League, Melissa Jacobson. “Big butts have got it together better than we do, and their action has been relatively swift. It will serve as an inspiration for the small boob community to pool our resources. We’re generally self-sufficient – we don’t need much support, you know – but if we work together we too can make our mark on society.”

Legal experts are divided on the predicted outcome of the lawsuit.

“I think they’ll win,” said our own correspondent, Nick Haymaker. “After all, there are still plenty of men and women out there who love the small booty.”

Donny Hubert of CNN, however, disagreed.

“Big butts are in, and that’s just the way it is. Nicki Minaj and the like are simply a sign of what the public wants. Anacondas need their homes, ya dig?”

Skinny People ‘Insulted’ by Kelly Clarkson’s Disregard of Celebrity Body Type Standards

Posted on March 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

Society has revealed its collective disgust at the blatant disregard shown by Kelly Clarkson for its standards. This comes days after Clarkson reacted nonchalantly to Katy Hopkin’s description of her ‘baby fat’ as just ‘fat’ and accusation that Clarkson ate her backup singers.

“We’ve worked for millennia at creating a globalized world in which our standards are… standardized,” said Monica Peele, a fashion model and self-proclaimed ‘fatist.’ “Miss Clarkson is spitting in the face of our long history of shaming anyone who does not conform. As a celebrity, she is meant to model exactly what we want of her. We feel betrayed by her continuing insult.”

Friends of the singer came to her defense. They said that her decision not to worry about her weight had nothing to do with society’s expectations, and that they know she still has respect for the people who gave her her fame in the first place.

“Kelly is fat, there’s no denying it,” said one anonymous friend. “She has decided not to conform to body-image standards set by skinny bitches, because of her – well, because of her own reasons. It’s nothing personal towards society as a whole. Also, we think there may be some other issues we’re not quite aware of.”

People like Peele, who consider themselves authorities on ‘fatties in the media,’ however, have hit back, saying that’s “just not the point.”

“Whether or not it’s personal has never mattered to Society,” said Joe Howerbrick, Peele’s underwear model boyfriend whose six pack abs are featured on billboards across the country. “What’s important is that societal norms are acknowledged and upheld. It’s exactly Clarkson’s indifference that is so difficult to stomach. If others follow her lead, the entire Social Contract will be at risk. What’s next – women with small breasts proudly walking around topless?”

Feminist leaders have praised Clarkson for her “courage to stand in the face of what a misogynistic world expects of her. She’s fat and disgusting, and we support her in her decision to stay that way. We can’t wait until her obesity hits record heights, and she’s still in the public eye. It’ll literally crush these skinny douchebags, pardon the pun.”

’50 Shades Of Grey’ Clubs Become Popular Among Experimental Teens

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a trend sweeping America, teenagers are reportedly starting and joining ‘50 Shades of Grey’ clubs, en masse. The movement began in response to the box office success of the first movie of the franchise. However, it is being suggested that most of these youths have not read the books or seen the film.

“I haven’t seen the movie,” said Tuck Harrington, 16. “What I heard about it is pretty cool, and I want to do that with my friends. That’s why I started my high school’s ’50 Shades’ club. We all want a little teen bondage. It helps stop bullying.”

We asked Tuck to take us through some of the activities he and his group perform together.

“Well, we started off making friendship bracelets. That’s obviously the easiest way for teens to bondage. We’ve progressed to song nights every Friday, and group trips to mansions to see how successful men like Christian Grey have bondaged to their great advantage.”

Catching up with other clubs, we found them to be doing much of the same. Some of their favorite bondage activities included friendly races, short vacations to the coast, as well as study sessions before exams.

“This is a system which is doing wonders for our kids,” said Colorado teacher Peter Josselewsky. “They’re working together to create stronger bondage between teens who would usually be fighting – whether in the conventional sense, or with more recent cyber bullying. With these new clubs, we’ve seen a drastic decrease in hostility, and guys who’d usually be outsiders are now part of the in-crowd.”

Tuck Harrington agreed with his sentiments.

“It’s true. There are some kids who would’ve been called ‘nerds’ or ‘losers’ who are much loved by the group. They’ve found a way to form bondages with others, and that’s something I’ve never seen in all my years of high school.”

When asked what his favorite part of the 50 Shades club was, he told us, “Oh, well – on Sunday nights, we all get naked, and half of us tie the other half to chairs or beds, and then we fuck them hard, with all sorts of sex toys and moves we learned online. Then we switch, and let them do the same things to us. I particularly like having a big, rubber fist shoved up my ass while I’m gagged with a pair of panties or a tight gag. It’s definitely the best part of the ’50 Shades’ club.”

Bill Cosby Brings Up Rape Allegations In Interview Because No One Was Talking About Him Anymore

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

In 2014, Bill Cosby carried out what seemed to be one of the worst PR decisions in history. In the midst of rape allegations, his publicity team released a web app that gave users the capability to create memes of the iconic actor, with almost no effort. Of course, almost every meme centered on the charges of sexual misconduct. Over recent months, it’s become clear that the maneuver was not a mishap.

“Every interview we’ve had, he’s brought up the rape charges,” said Tonight Show host, Jimmy Fallon. “And there’ve been lots. I tried to draw him out on other topics, like the glory days of The Cosby Show, and Kids Say the Darndest Things. But all he wants to do is speak about all the women accusing him of heinous sex crimes. Clearly he sees that as his biggest publicity opportunity.”

Other TV personalities have confirmed Fallon’s assessment. The Late Show host, David Letterman, revealed that Cosby has been contacting his secretary, asking to be interviewed in response to the charges.

“He’s called six or seven times,” Fallon told us. “Every time it’s the same. He’s in the limelight again, because of these charges, and he thinks we should interview him. Initially, I agreed, but he said he was all booked up for the next few months. I told him I was retiring and he’d have to contact Stephen [Colbert], but he doesn’t seem to get it. He thinks I’m just going to wait for him, to deal with what he calls ‘sensational’ accusations.”

Cosby’s former publicist, Joan Tarshis, who herself has accused the comic of rape, says that bringing up dirt on himself is an old tactic of Cosby.

“He made me leak the story of his daughter’s drug addiction, just for the extra press. Seriously. That’s almost as low as he went with me. He’s a horrible human being. It almost makes me forget about the time he ate cake. Those times were awesome.”

New Mexico Crematorium Found To Be Giving Families Grilled Steak Char In Place Of Ashes

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CARLSBAD, New Mexico –

Staff of a crematorium in New Mexico have admitted to giving hundreds of grieving families the charred remains of barbecue, instead of their loved one’s ashes. The fraud was first discovered when a certain mourner opened the jar containing supposed human remains and smelled a strong odor of grilled steak.

“It was a harrowing experience,” said James Innet. “I thought that my Martha was in there, but what I found was the ashes of a very different type of cow.”

Innet would not reveal why he had opened the jar in the first place, discovering what scores of others never would have.

When the true destination of the corpses received at the crematorium was investigated, it was revealed that they were sold as novelty items to the rich and eccentric.

“People love our service,” said salesmen Jose Hernandez. “They take the bodies home to show their friends, put them on display, that sort of thing. They aren’t worried about laws, because these people are rich. They do not know the rules, and do not care.”

The discovery may explain the latest trend started by Better Homes and Gardens magazine, which advises readers to set up recently deceased corpses in the entryways of their houses in order to improve the feng shui, and impress visitors.

“You may have a deer head on your wall,” the latest edition read. “Why not add a human head to your collection? It hurts no one, and will show your readiness to try new things. What’s more, it costs a fortune which you can repeatedly tell your friends!”

Prince Reveals Shocking Truth About His Hair

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LOS ANGELES, California –

The artist formerly known as “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince” has revealed the truth about his hair – and it will shock his hordes of fans. He is actually a natural blonde. Yes, you heard that correctly – Prince is a natural blonde.

“I’m not ashamed of it,” he said in an exclusive interview with Empire News. “It’s haunted me my whole life. When my momma saw I had blonde hair – and I had a big bush of it when I came into the world – she screamed in horror. She didn’t know what to do, having had a black baby with blonde hair.”

Once she came to terms with the fact that it was a genetic defect, Prince’s mother, Mattie Della, decided never to let her son out in public without having his hair dyed to a perfect black.

“Every morning she’d wash my hair in black dye, and not even I knew at first that I wasn’t a natural. She didn’t think I’d be able to take the news. But when I was five years old, she thought I’d better hear it from her, rather than waking up from a hair growth spurt and realizing I had blonde roots.”

Prince later took on the responsibility of treating his own hair.

“It simply became a part of my routine. For most kids, bathing and brushing teeth and hair is what they must do in the morning. I just had that little extra task of keeping my identity in tact.”

When he became a professional artist, he considered letting his true roots out, as his identity was already flamboyant and idiosyncratic.

“I could’ve told the world I was blonde, but I thought I’d wait until a time when I wasn’t successful – when I needed something to gain more publicity. That time never came, so I decided I might as well come out with it now. After all, my popularity has peaked and stabilized. I’ll never need to resort to stunts.”

New Reality Show to Follow Meghan Trainor’s Sudden Descent into Obscurity

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

NBC has revealed plans of a new reality show, which will follow the rapid demise of Meghan Trainor’s career after the success of her smash hit, All About That Bass, dies down. Filming has reportedly already started, tracking an excited and optimistic Trainor at what she believes is the beginning of a long and prosperous life in the limelight.

“The show will be called, Meghan Trainor: the Unsurprising Story,” said producer Gary Rockerforth. “Viewers will get to see what is by now a familiar scenario. An artist – say, Gotcha or Carly Rae Jepson – releases a track that becomes everyone’s ‘song of the year’. It’s stuck in everyone’s heads for months, countless YouTube covers are released which bring even a more brief fame to that YouTuber, and only the ‘superstar’ thinks it’s the breakthrough they’ve always waited for. A year later, the public nostalgically Googles the song in an attempt to remember who sang it.”

Trainor herself appeared over the moon at the announcement.

“This past year has been overwhelming to say the least,” she gushed to TMZ. “First, my song was picked up by all the major stations and I couldn’t have predicted the impact it would have. Now my own reality show! I can’t even begin to imagine what’s next.”

Friends of Trainor have revealed their own reluctance at appearing in the show with her.

“Meghan is great and I love her, but I don’t want to be in her situation,” said one close friend. “If I’m on her show, my fame will come and go even faster than hers.”

News is currently coming in that NBC has cancelled the series, which had already been knocked down to a mini-series, due to the fact that there’s not likely to be more than five episodes and already waning public interest.

Woman At Walmart Arrested For Shoplifting; Police find $100 Worth Of Groceries In Her Vagina

Posted on March 6, 2015 by JP

PITTSTON, Pennsylvania –

A woman is facing charges and fines after being arrested Thursday evening at a Walmart store in Pittston, Pennsylvania. Police arrested and charged Holly Fray with grand theft after store employees said that they had seen her walking through the store, sticking food up her dress.

Officer Charles Langan of the Pittston PD said that Fray was given a full body search after she was handcuffed, and several oranges fell onto the floor between her legs.

“I thought she stuffed a bunch of things in her pants so I gave her a fast pat down, when I felt nothing and saw items begin to fall out of her pants, I knew something was up,” said Officer Langan. “A female officer was called in after Miss Fray was brought to the station, and a more thorough search was initiated.”

“They asked me to come do a full cavity search on a recently arrested shoplifter, which is very unusual,” said Officer Felicia Anne, a policewoman for over 10 years. “They told me that they thought she was holding groceries in her vagina, and I literally laughed out loud. They told me about the oranges and not feeling anything during the pat down, so I took her in the back and sure enough, we found nearly $100 worth of groceries inside of her vagina. A dozen eggs, bread, milk, a few more oranges, as well as a full porterhouse and a rack of bacon were in there, plus a lot more. I was shocked.”

Walmart’s store policy is to push for full prosecution on all shoplifters, but the store manager in Pittston says that the company found the entire situation so laughable, that they won’t be pressing charges on Fray. Walmart says the stolen items were returned to them by Pittston PD, and were able to be placed back on the shelves

New J.K. Rowling Book to Tell the Story of the Slow Death of Lord Voldemort’s Final Horcrux

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Josh Marcus

LONDON, England –

To the delight of millions of Harry Potter fans around the world, billionaire author JK Rowling has announced that she is working on yet another sequel to the hugely popular series. The next book, tentatively titled, The Final Years, will not however tell of the adventures of Harry and his friends.

“I decided to end the series quite definitively,” Rowling wrote to members of her fan site, Pottermore. “By telling of what happened 19 years later, I ensured that I could not be tempted into writing a further sequel. However, the fate of Voldemort’s final horcrux was never revealed, and that is what The Final Years will detail.”

Indeed, the termination of the horcrux’s existence was only hinted to in the chapter entitled King’s Cross Station. It appears as a deformed life-form, struggling to survive in limbo between life and death. Harry returns to the world of the living before the readers are told of its final demise.

“Many fans were left unsatisfied,” said UK publisher Bloomsbury. “We saw the demand for this revelatory story and, after much begging and pleading, persuaded Joanne [Rowling] to come out of her Harry Potter retirement for just one more book.”

Details have been released exclusively on Pottermore as to the basic plot outline which can be expected.

After Harry returns to the living world, the struggling horcrux is left alone with Dumbledore, the text reads. Dumbledore gives it one last pitying look, shakes his head in sadness, and is beamed up to heaven in a bright light. The horcrux is then left on its own, while the rest of Voldemort is killed in battle with Potter. It continues to whimper, alone and helpless, without a definite form, as no one arrives to take care of it, or even talk to it. In its years – centuries even – of slow demise, it goes through one final existential crisis, and we are given a close look as its breathing slows, its physical boundaries disappear, and it eventually dissolves into nothingness.

Pre-orders have already exceeded 13 million, in the half day since the news arrived, and are expected to reach the billion mark before the close of the week.