Couple Who Won $1B Powerball Jackpot Found Dead In Their Home In Apparent Murder/Suicide

Posted on February 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Mary and George Ripkin of Phoenix, Arizona, were found dead in their home Monday morning after a neighbor called 911, reporting that they heard gunshots coming from inside the home. The Ripkins recently won the largest jackpot in history, which netted the couple over a half a billion dollars once split between other prize winners.

“I hear a couple of people yelling, then a gunshot, then everything was silent,” said a neighbor, Felicia McGregor. “I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but I did hear them talking about whether to get a yacht or just buy an island.”

According to police, George McGregor shot his wife, and then hung himself in the family den. A Facebook status that he left stated that they were going to donate all the money they had won to a lucky winner who shared, liked, or commented on the post. As of the time of this writing, the post had been shared more than 2.6 million times, although lawyers for the couple say that the post does not constitute a legally binding contract, and no one will be getting the money for sharing the post.

Rapist Sues Woman He Assaulted After Learning She Gave Him HIV

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

John Ryan, 32, is suing Felicia Jones, 26, after contracting HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in a sexual encounter. Ryan says that although he was raping Jones at the time, she should have informed him that she had the virus, and because she didn’t, he is entitled to “everything she has.”

“Just because I grabbed her off the running path in the park, took her into the woods, and raped her, doesn’t mean that she has the right to hide her disease from me,” said Ryan, who has been arrested for sexual assault in the past, although the charges were later dropped. “Because she didn’t say anything, I now have HIV, and my life is essentially ruined.”

The law in most states, including California, says that if you are a carrier of HIV or AIDs, you must inform all sexual partners beforehand, or face possible arrest and prosecution for manslaughter.

“Ms. Jones was fully able to explain to me that she had the disease, as I did not cover her mouth like I’ve done to other women in the past,” said Ryan. “I may have decked her in the mouth a few times, but a little blood is not stopping her from saying ‘hold on a minute, I have HIV.'”

Jones says that she was terrified in the situation, and that her condition was not at the forefront of her mind.

“That bastard was raping me, and telling him that I was sick probably wouldn’t have stopped him anyway,” said Jones. “I was scared, and I thought he might kill me. That’s what I was thinking about. My lawyer has advised me not to say that I think he deserves what he got, but let me just say that I’m certainly not sorry.”

Jones contracted the virus two years ago during a blood transfusion after a bad car accident.

Teen Cooks Child She Was Babysitting In Oven After Taking ‘Bad Acid’

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A 17-year-old teen has been arrested and charged with drug abuse and murder after she allegedly cooked a child she was babysitting in an oven. The teen claims that she didn’t do it on purpose, and that she honestly mistook the child for a turkey while she was “high on some bad acid.”

“I’m going to be honest – I was tripping balls when it happened,” said the teen, Marissa Fleming. “My boyfriend Tim and I, we just got into doing psychedelics. I’ve been tripping on mushrooms lately, and wanted to try acid. I tell you, the trip was intense and awesome, but I never even realized what I was doing when I set the over to 350.”

Fleming had been babysitting the 11-month-old toddler on the weekends since November, and the baby’s parents – who wish to remain anonymous, said that they couldn’t believe that it happened.

“Marissa is such a nice girl, and she really did love our baby,” said the mother. “[name redacted] and I, we have been together since high school, and this was our first baby after 20 years of marriage. We are definitely chilled to the bone about what happened, and extremely depressed, but at the same time, we experimented when we were her age, too, and I for one know how crazy shit gets when you’re tripping balls.”

“We don’t blame Marissa for what happened, we blame the public schools for removing the D.A.R.E. program from most areas,” said the father of the deceased child. “Marissa might have known better not to babysit on acid if she had only been able to hear it directly from the mouth of Daren The Lion. Now she has to live with this guilt for the rest of her life, and we had to get a new oven to remove the stench from the house.”

Teen Commits Suicide After Reading Fake News Story About Favorite Band Breaking Up

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSON, Kansas –

A 14-year-old teen has reportedly committed suicide after reading about his favorite band breaking up on a spoof entertainment news website. The teen, Mark Simpson, had reportedly read on News 14 Now! that the group, Imagine Dragons, would be breaking up following one final tour.

“We told him that the news wasn’t real, that it was definitely a hoax,” said Simpson’s mother, Tammy. “You could tell by the other articles on the website that the whole thing was fake, but Mark kept telling me how all his friends were sharing the article on Facebook, and they wouldn’t share it if it wasn’t true. He was depressed for a week; he wouldn’t even eat or leave his room.”

Mrs. Simpson says that both she and her husband tried to convince Mark to seek help from a psychiatrist, but he wouldn’t budge.

“We even went so far as to message the band directly on their social media pages, just so we could get them to say that they weren’t breaking up, and it was all a hoax,” said George Simpson, Mark’s father. “Unfortunately, by the time they responded, Mark had already died.”

Police were called by Mrs. Simpson after she found Mark dead in his room. He killed himself by turning the volume on his stereo up to the highest volume, and listening to the popular Imagine Dragons song ‘Radioactive’ on repeat with a pair of Beats By Dre headphones.

“The song was so loud, and the bass so heavy, that on repeated plays, it gave him an anuresym,” said Mrs. Simpson. “He left a note that just simply said ‘I’m sorry, I can’t take it.’ We are extremely upset, because in the end, Imagine Dragons is only okay at best, anyway.”

The band did not immediately respond to comment about the incident. Mrs. Simpson says she plans to bring a lawsuit against Facebook for allowing the fake content to be shared on its website.

13-Year-Old Impregnated From Toilet Seat In Burger King Bathroom

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

According to her parents, an unnamed 13-year-old girl has become pregnant after visiting a local Burger King restaurant, where they say semen that was on the seat must have caused her to conceive.

“The manger at the Burger King was throwing a man out of the restaurant as we were walking in, and when we asked what happened, they said they found him in the women’s bathroom,” said the girl’s mother, who asked to just be referred to as Mary. “It was disgusting, but there are a lot of perverts in this world. We still enjoyed our burgers and then we went home.”

Before they left, though, Mary says her daughter went in to use the restroom.

“She mentioned that it was dirty and there was something on the seat, and I scolded her for not hovering like I always say to do in public,” said Mary. “But I didn’t think too much of it after that, until about 6 weeks later.”

According to Mary, her daughter complained of cramps after a missed period, and doctors confirmed she was pregnant.

“Our daughter does not even have a boyfriend. She’s never even seen a penis before, so I know that she is telling the truth when she says it had to be the toilet,” said Mary. “I’ve confirmed with multiple physicians who say although rare, it’s entirely possible that the disgusting man’s semen could have impregnated my daughter if it is was still fresh enough.”

Mary says she plans to bring a lawsuit against Burger King for not “properly cleaning” their establishment.

“We’re a Catholic family, so abortion is out of the question here,” said Mary. “I will certainly make sure that Burger King pays for this child for the rest of its life, though, I’ll see to that. I only thank God that the pervert was white.”

Dermatologists Create ‘Pimple Porn’ Videos, Internet Can’t Get Enough Of New Trend

Posted on January 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Dermatologist Sandra Lee has been a certified dermatologist for 10 years, and has been catering to the darker side of the industry for the last two years. She pops explosive pimples and blackheads on video for thousands of fans, who become addicted to watching the “pimple porn.”

She has received hundreds of fan letters, which she displays at her practice based out of Uplands, California. Dr. Lee claims the “pimple porn” is playing a positive role by bringing dermatology to the masses and encouraging people to look after their skin.

“Contrary to the name there is nothing sexual about it – even though some of my fans really seem to get off on it. I understand that. I get off on the eruption of a juicy, swollen whitehead too. In my adolescent years I realized popping pimples was my passion. That’s why I am where I am today. There’s just something about how satisfying it is to pop a huge, gross pimple and watch the skin get moist and slimy.”

Psychiatrist Prescribes Video Games To Fight Depression

Posted on January 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Minnesota –

Dr. Frank Stephenson has started prescribing video games such as The Sims and World of Warcraft to his patients. He claims it treats depression better than any drug currently on the market.

“Too many of my patients life seems so pointless. Get up. Go to work. Fall deeper in debt. Never really achieve your dreams. Soon you’re in your fifties and your wife that left you is remarried and much happier now.

“The big breakthrough came for me when I gave up on trying to help people change their lives for the better. People never change. What I can do is help people escape from their droll lives. We can’t give out the good meds because those are too addictive, and face it – anti-depressants don’t give you a good buzz, so they’re basically worthless. Video games though – they can transport you to another world.”

Dr. Stephenson says video game therapy can work for all types of depression including seasonal, major, chronic, existential, and post-partum. “I’ve even had some luck with prescribing VGT to bipolar patients. Of course sometimes they’ll play for days straight during their manic phases and give up before beating the game once their depressive phase hits. Lithium usually helps with that.”

Although there are no clinical studies to back up his work, Dr. Stephenson says anyone who tries it will see. Dr. Stephenson also cautions that video game therapy should be used in moderation, and only as a temporary substitute for real life.

Heroin Addict Kills Mother In Front of Family, Blames It On ‘Having A Bad Day’

Posted on January 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DRESDEN, Mississippi –

Keith Jordon admits he killed his mother and says the reason she is dead is that he was having a stressful day. Jordon had been fired from his job two months before, for poor attendance, and his roommates were now kicking him out because he wasn’t able to make rent.

Jordon’s sister, Denise Jordon, witnessed the brutal attack on their mother. “She’d already given him money for last month’s rent, but of course he used it for drugs. Here he was, begging for more. When she refused to give it to him, he stabbed her.”

Keith Jordon reportedly stabbed his mother five times, and then continued to stand over her and kick her, which he blames on the fact he was withdrawing from Suboxone.

Although Suboxone is often prescribed for opiate addiction, Jordan had been getting it on the streets since a local drug bust interrupted his heroin supply.

“People are forgetting how I feel. It really hurts me that my mom is gone. I really want to just zonk right out and not think about it. They won’t even give you a Valium in jail, man. I thought I was supposed to get medical care in here.”

Jordon also blames the system for contributing to the situation. “If they would just stop this stupid war on drugs, I would still be able to get my heroin on the cheap like it was. None of this would have ever happened.”

Homicide Investigator, Edward Watson says, “This is typical addict behavior. He had no money and a trigger. Boom. Clear motive. He confessed immediately after being detained.”

Woman To Receive World’s First Cat Eye Transplant

Posted on January 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

POMONA VALLEY, California –

After a vicious attack, Cheryl Wrigley thought she would never see again. Although she could not afford a traditional human eye transplant, she now hopes she will see again after being selected for an experimental cat’s eye transplant.

The rods and cones of a cat’s eye are quite different from humans, meaning Cheryl’s color vision will be altered, but she will be able to see better at night. Researchers at Pomona Valley Hospital Medical Center’s experimental unit are interested to find out exactly how her perception changes.

Because cats have ultra-violet transparent lenses, unlike humans, UV light will reach her retina, potentially allowing her to see more of the light spectrum than any other person has. Scientists are unsure whether her brain will be able to process the UV light in the same way a cat’s brain will, and are interested to see if this works.

“I always thought about getting like some cat’s eye contacts. I’m going to look so sexy after my operation,” says Wrigley. Although a cat’s eyeball is significantly smaller than a humans, Wrigley will receive plastic surgery to alter her face and make the rest of her features proportional.

Woman Takes Testosterone Supplements While Pregnant To Make Baby More ‘Manly’

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TORONTO, Canada –

Tragically, Kathy Martin did not know the consequences or seek a doctor’s advice before taking testosterone supplements while pregnant. She says her husband, Dave, encouraged her to take them so their baby boy would be more masculine than their first child.

Their newborn son was delivered 5 weeks premature, suffering from severe birth defects. Androgen supplements are considered a class D drug and should obviously never be used during pregnancy.

“We just didn’t want another little flamer like the last one,” says David, who is facing criminal charges for supplying the supplements to his wife after purchasing them illegally over the internet. “Don’t get me wrong, we love our oldest son, but at four years old you can already see the he is afflicted with the disease of faggotry. He says his favorite color is pink and his favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. That’s not the son I wanted, but yeah, we love him. He’s from my loins, unfortunately.”

Kathy says, “As a good Christian woman it is my responsibility to honor and obey my husband without question. He assured me there would be no risks to the baby, and that the mustache I grew would surely fall right off after the baby was born.”

Both parents are being investigated by child protective services as well as local police.