Serial Killer Escapes From Prison; Police Issue Warnings, Begin Nationwide Manhunt

Posted on March 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Police say that 45-year-old Martin Traffords escaped from the Phoenix Federal Prison in Arizona yesterday, apparently making his way past security via a laundry truck. Traffords was arrested in 2011 for the murder and dismemberment of over 30 people, all young women and girls.

“Traffords is considered extremely dangerous, even when not armed,” said Phoenix warden of prisons Joel Goldsmith. “He murdered at least 30 people, and claims he killed hundreds more, all by snapping the necks of his victims, and pulling them apart with his hands. We are asking anyone who sees Traffords to contact us immediately or call 911.”

Traffords is described as being white, approximately 6 feet tall, and 200 pounds. He has a full-sleeve tattoo of Heaven and Hell on his left arm. He may be headed to Nevada, California, Texas, Georgia, New Hampshire, Alaska, Puerto Rico, Montreal, or Ohio.

Presidential Race Starts To Get Bloody After Sanders Challenges Opponents

Posted on March 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an attempt to secure the sick and desperate demographic, Bernie Sanders donated blood plasma to help those afflicted with problems ranging from Kawasaki disease to hemophilia. He called for other candidates to take a break from campaigning and do the same.

Plasma donation is more time-consuming than giving blood, in that the blood is drawn from one arm and channeled through an automated machine that collects plasma and returns the red blood cells. The screening process is also more difficult, baring donors from having tattoos or piercings.

Hilary Clinton tried, in an attempt to follow Sanders’ lead, to give plasma but was not able to make a donation due to the small tattoo on her buttocks that says “Bill.” She reportedly told the nurse, “I was going to say I never regretted getting that tattoo more, but that’s untrue. There was another time I regretted it more…”

Trump’s campaign managers say he will not be donating plasma, as Trump cannot be sure his donation wouldn’t be given to affluent white males or attractive women.

USPS Says Stamp Cost To Be Raised To $2.00 Each Starting In August

Posted on March 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The US Postal Service says that they can “no longer survive” on the low cost of stamps, and after several increases in their cost of shipping packages, they are finally going to be increasing the cost of their individual stamps. Currently, a first-class stamp for a letter or a card would cost you less than two quarters. Starting in August, though, you’re going to need to get change from a $5.

“On August 3rd, we will officially be raising the price of stamps to $2 per each, with sheets of 25 stamps selling for $50,” said post master Tom Thomas. “We understand that this is an incredible increase in one jump, but the cost of shipping has not gotten cheaper, and we have not had an increase in several years.”

The current cost of a stamp is only .49 cents, but the USPS says that they can’t survive charging so little.

“We’ve tried to last, and only increase the cost of specialty packages, but it’s not working,” said Thomas. “We have to change with the times, and although this was a difficult decision, we feel it is the right one.”

Thomas suggests that people go out now and buy the post office’s “Forever Stamps,” which are still only .49 a piece, and will be good forever, regardless of future price increases.

HIV-Laced Needles Found On Gas Pump Handles In New Jersey

Posted on March 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSON, New Jersey –

Police have said that they have found several HIV-laced needles on gas pump handles throughout the city of Carlson in northern New Jersey, and that they are asking for everyone to be ‘extra cautious’ when at the pumps.

“We received an initial report of a needle found taped to the underside of a gas pump handle a few weeks ago, and since then, several other instances have occurred,” said police chief Joe Glass. “We are advising anyone who pumps their own gas in the state of New Jersey to be extremely cautious of any sharp objects taped or glued to the pump handle.”

Chief Glass says that they have had the needles found tested for HIV and other STDs, and they have come back positive.

“HIV and AIDs cannot live outside the body for very long, so the people who have been pricked are lucky, and their tests have been negative, but the needles themselves are exposed,” said Chief Glass. “Please, do not pump your own gas if you can help it, and if you do, wear gloves or other protective hand gear.”

Man Sentenced To Life In Prison After Killing His Wife Via ‘Dutch Oven’

Posted on March 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DARWIN, West Virginia –

Harold Spizer, 39, was sentenced to life in prison on Monday for the 2013 death of his wife, Kathy Spizer, 35. Harold had been in prison since his arrest in August of 2013, after police say he killed Kathy via a dutch oven in their bedroom.

“I still, to this day, maintain that it was just an unfortunate joke gone wrong,” said Spizer, who now sits in solitary confinement in Darwin Federal Penitentiary. “She always thought it was disgusting when I farted, and so I’d tease her and do it all the time when we were laying in bed. That night a few years ago, it was just too hot, too stuffy, and the gas was just extra bad. It wasn’t on purpose.”

Police say that Spizer had eaten Mexican food for dinner, and had ‘extra bad gas’ on an especially warm night in 2013, and used it to murder his wife.

“He gave her a Dutch oven, which is when you pass gas, and then hold the bedding and covers over your partner’s head, so they are forced to, well, deal with it, as it were,” said police chief Joel Miller. “Kathy was killed from the extreme nature of her husband’s gas.”

The court case was a long time coming, and Kathy’s family say that they are “very excited” that Harold Spizer will pay for his crimes.

WWE Cancels ‘Wrestlemania’ Over Terrorist Threats

Posted on March 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ARLINGTON, Texas –

The WWE has announced that they are “indefinitely postponing” this year’s Wrestlemania pay-per-view after alleged terrorist threats were received. FBI officials say they cautioned the WWE to cancel the event in the wake of attacks that have happened all over the world.

“The WWE wants our fans to be safe, and so we have decided to cancel the event, with a possible plan to stage it at a late date and time,” said WWE CEO Vince McMahon. “This year’s event was set to be the largest in our company’s history, and we cannot take the chance of there being issues at a spectacle that will house nearly 100,000 people.”

FBI officials say that the received a “credible” but anonymous threat that terrorists would attack during the event, and they are taking the threat seriously.

“We are extremely happy that the WWE has taken this threat as seriously as we have, and cancelled their event,” said FBI spokesman George Glass.

“Frankly, no one really cares if they cancel it, anyway,” said WWE fan Larry Moss. “I mean, it’s the same shit that happens every week on their regular show. Now that pay-per-views are included in the WWE Network, and it’s only $10, they don’t put much thought into it anyway. I’m glad that it’s not happening, really. I was going to miss The Walking Dead. Now I don’t have to.”

Patient Who Had Penis Photographed By Nurse When Unconscious Says He’s “Cool With It” After Seeing How Hot She Is

Posted on March 28, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

UPSTATE, New York –

A nurse in New York was forced to turn in her license to practice after she took selfies and “dick pics” of an unconscious patient, and then shared the pictures with co-workers. 27-year-old Kristen Johnson was forced by a judge to give up her license after she was deemed “morally unfit” to practice.

The patient, whose identity was not revealed, did make a public statement, saying that he didn’t think that there was anything wrong with what happened.

“If she had been fat and ugly, taking pictures of my dick would have been a no-go,” said the patient. “But I mean, really now. Have you seen her? She’s a hot 27-year-old, and what better way to flatter a guy when he gets out of a coma than to tell him a hot girl was admiring his package? I’m totally cool with it.”

A lawyer for the patient was hired by the hospital, but he says that he has “no intention” of going any further through the legal system with the issue.

“If it had been a guy taking pictures of some unconscious girl’s vag, and then shared it around, people would be calling for his balls on a platter, but because this is a young, attractive girl, they’re just making her give up her license,” said the patient. “Honestly, I think she’s suffered enough. Her career is ruined, and she didn’t even get to take home the prize.”

‘National Enquirer’ Investigation Into Cruz Reveals Shocking Donald Trump Affairs

Posted on March 27, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Pseudonyms were provided for several of the people involved in the alleged affairs of Donald Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The National Enquirer, the nation’s foremost rag magazine about celebrities and politicians, has been making waves over the last couple weeks after they revealed a series of shocking allegations of affairs that have been allegedly perpetrated by senator Ted Cruz. Although the presidential candidate has denied the allegations, the Enquirer has continued their investigation, and also come across a series of detailed affairs by another candidate, Donald Trump.

“Donald Trump has had multiple affairs over the years, and we’ve finally got the proof,” said Enquirer president Jordan Meeks. “We have been able to pinpoint solid information that Trump has had at least 2 female lovers. We are hiding their identities currently, and are referring to them solely as ‘Shmosie O’Shmonnel’ and ‘Shmegan Shmelly.’ We also are investigating an alleged affair with a man, who we are referring to as ‘Shmis Shmisty.'”

Donald Trump steadfastly denies the rumors, and says it’s “impossible” that he could possibly have had any affairs. Many people believed that Trump had worked with the Enquirer to spread the rumors about Ted Cruz, as he has close ties to the magazine, but the news breaking about his affairs seems to put a kibosh on his involvement.

“I have had plenty of failed businesses, and almost as many failed marriages, but none of those things failed because I’m a cheater,” said Trump. “I do a lot of things, and I say even more, but one thing I’ve never done is put my penis where it doesn’t belong when it doesn’t belong there. These allegations are as gross and exaggerated as any about me. I plan on suing the Enquirer for making these false claims.”

Donald Trump’s Wife Melania Is Revealed To Be Sex Robot

Posted on March 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Technology has advanced well beyond what most of us would have ever dreamed up. Between the supercomputers in our pockets to Google’s self-driving cars, we live in an age of wonder. Japan has been at the forefront of another technology for many years in the form of sex robots, or uber-realistic robots that can be used for sexual pleasure and, frankly, not much else.

It has recently been discovered that Donald Trump’s wife, Melania Trump, to whom the Donald has been married for the last 10 years, is actually a lab-created robot who was built for the Republican candidate on special order.

“She is beautiful, charming, and she’s an amazing lay,” said The Donald to a group of supporters, recently. “No woman in her right mind would be with me with those atributes. Not even with my wealth and power. I know that – I’m not as dumb as the media makes me out to be. No, instead, I had the best engineers in Japan build Melania for me in a lab. She is 100% to my specifications.”

Trump says that the best part about having a sex robot for a wife is that they “always give it up” when you want it, and it’s not even rape, because they’re not people.

“They also can’t get pregnant, which is fantastic, because no one likes pulling out, that’s for sure,” said Donald. “This model will be good on these batteries until long after I’m dead. It’s truly a marvel of modern technology.”

If Trump wins the presidency, then Melania will be the first sex robot to become the first lady, as well as the first straight sex-machine to sleep in the Lincoln bedroom since Marilyn Monroe had her affair with JFK.

Baby Born 39 Weeks Early Miraculously Survives

Posted on March 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TYSON, West Virginia –

A baby that was born 39 weeks premature has miraculously survived, thanks to quick-work from doctors at a West Virginia hospital.

Doctors say that Missy Carson, 22, gave birth to a baby girl that was 39 weeks early, or approximately one week old. It is the youngest than any baby has ever been born, and unbelievably, the baby is healthy.

“It’s the smallest baby I’ve ever seen outside of an ultrasound,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a pediatric surgeon. “I can’t believe it. It’s barely the size of a quarter, but she’s doing amazing. We have her on little breathing tubes and teeny, tiny feeding tubes, but she’s a real miracle. Mom is doing fine, too.”

“This was my second baby, and it was way, way easier than my first,” said Carson, a waitress. “My son Jonah is 2, and I was in labor for 19 hours. With this baby, I didn’t even feel her come out. I just sort of noticed I was bleeding a tiny bit, and there she was. It was the scariest moment of my life.”

Carson says she has named her daughter Hope Miracle.