Jared Fogle Verdict Overturned On Appeal; Former Pitchman To Get Death Sentence In Child Molestation Case

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Jared Fogle, the former Subway pitchman who was accused and now convicted of having sex with children, has reportedly received the death sentence for his crimes.

“He was originally only going to get 15 years in prison, with another 10 years of probation afterwards,” said Joe Goldsmith, Esq., a lawyer arguing for the prosecution. “We felt that was not enough. Everyone knows that old saying, ’15 will get you 20?’ Well in this case, 15 only got him 15, and we didn’t feel that was harsh enough. On appeal, we won the verdict we were seeking.”

After a new court hearing, Goldsmith says that they were able to secure a harsher verdict, and that Fogle will now face the death penalty.

“It’s probably, possibly, just a little more harsh that you’d think it should be, because the punishment is supposed to fit the crime, but hell – we got people in jail for life with no parole for smoking weed, and that’s some serious punishment-not-fitting-the-crime bullshit right there,” said Goldsmith. “If those people can get screwed like that then, hey, no reason we can’t screw Fogle, right? Not that he hasn’t been screwed enough by those poor children.”

Lawyers for Fogle are appealing the new verdict.

FDA Lifts Ban on Cat, Dog Meat; Agency Will Allow Use In Restaurants, Home Cooking

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Food and Drug Administration in Washington, D.C. has reportedly lifted an age-old ban on cat and dog meat that kept restaurants from using the ingredient in their dishes. The move comes after a petition signed by over 2 million people on change.org that pleaded with the agency to reduce its hold over delicious pet meats.

“I am so excited to hear that the FDA has lifted the ban on cat meats, as it is a delicacy, and it is delicious,” said 4th-generation Chinese restaurant owner Chow “Joseph” Han. “Those of us who have been eating and serving cat secretly for many years are breathing a massive sigh of relief in no longer having to hide our ingredients.”

According to Han, this also means that the meat that they will use will come from cleaner, safer animals.

“Because the FDA was not allowing us the use of certain meats, namely those of cats and dogs, we would have to catch strays to make sure that people didn’t know where the food came from,” said Han. “Oftentimes, those strays were mangey or dirty, and may have had rabies. Now, with the lifted ban, we can control the food, and the meat will come from clean, regulated animals.”

Cat and dog meats, which are commonly consumed in other countries, had been banned in the United States since 1904.

Morgan Freeman Reportedly Transitioning To Female, Changing Name To Morgan Freewoman

Posted on November 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Actor Morgan Freeman, best known for being the black guy in every film ever made, has reportedly come out as transgendered, and has been seen dressing as a woman while out and about in Los Angeles.

“I can’t take it seriously, I just can’t,” said an onlooker at La Fete, a famous Hollywood lounge. “I saw Morgan Freeman walk in, and he’s wearing a blonde wig and bright purple eyeshadow. It was ridiculous. I know I should be more respectful – it was hard enough not laughing hysterically the first time I saw Bruce Jenner walking down the street in pumps, but this was just a new level of absurd.”

Freeman was reached out to be media outlets, and he confirmed that yes, he had been dressing as a woman.

“I’ve been dressing this way for many, many years, but it was only when I saw how brave Caitlyn Jenner was that I was able to be brave, too,” said Freeman. “I would like it very much if people could respect my wishes, though, and now refer to me as Morgan Freewoman.”

“I mean, I think Caitlyn Jenner is a piece of shit who should be in jail for her part in, you know, killing someone,” said one of Morgan Freewoman’s fans, Joe Goldsmith. “She, he, whatever, can go straight to hell. Bigoted bitch. Morgan Freewoman, on the other hand, is a beautiful, and respectful person who deserves to be able to have some privacy during this time.”

16-Year-Old Teen Diagnosed With Bubonic Plague

Posted on November 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

A 16-year-old girl has reportedly been diagnosed with a case of the Bubonic Plague, otherwise known as the Black Death. The Plague, which wiped out an estimated 50 million people in the 14th century, is commonly thought to have been eradicated, but the CDC warns that it is still very prevalent.

“We are investigating how this young girl contracted The Plague, but we believe it’s possible it was from a flea or tick bite,” said CDC spokesman Joanne Carl. “Although most people assume that The Black Death was wiped from existence ages ago, we are warning that it is still quite common to contract it, especially for those people who spend time in dense, wooded areas or around wildlife.”

The Plague, although less common than in ancient times thanks to modern medicine and hygiene, does not spread in quite the same ways, although flu-like symptoms are an early sign of infection.

“Often, death will occur within a weeks time, so when you are feeling sick, it is wise to get medical attention, especially if you notice any rash forming, or if you have spent time outdoors,” said Carl. “This year there have already been 15 reported and confirmed cases of Bubonic Plague, with 4 of them ending in death. We urge everyone to be extremely cautious, especially people who live in the Oregon, Washington, and Northern California areas.”

Internet Sensation ‘Grumpy Cat’ Dies After Losing Bout With Feline Depression

Posted on November 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Tardar Sauce, best known as the internet’s “Grumpy Cat,” has reportedly died after committing cat suicide, say sources from within the cat’s entourage. Tardar, the most loved pessimist in the world, had suffered from a severe case of cat depression, and could reportedly no longer handle the pressures of being a meme.

“I am very sad to announce that Tardar Sauce, better known as Grumpy Cat, has died after purposely inhaling and overdosing on an extremely large amount of catnip,” said the cat’s manager, Joey Jones. “There was no note left, because like all cats, Grumpy had no opposable thumbs, but we know she was depressed, and often meowed about taking her own life. It’s sad, as she was so young. I only wish we had gotten her the help she needed.”

“Tardar was a joy to look at, as her face had that great look for anyone who wanted to use a picture of it to make a meme about their crappy day,” said Grumpy Cat superfan Joanne Joyce. “I have Grumpy stuffies, pictures, toys, t-shirts…all sorts of things. It’s sad that she’s gone, but she’s in cat hell now, where all cats go when they die. She’s probably complaining about something as we speak, and that’s beautiful.”

Tardar Sauce rose to popularity after a picture posted of her online went viral, people dubbing her “Grumpy Cat” due to her face, which appeared to be in a perpetual frown due to a case of dwarfism. She would have turned 4 this coming April.

U.S. Postal Service Says They Are Closing After 2015 Holiday Season

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After many years of floundering and struggling to make ends meet with a fast-dropping budget, the United States Postal Service say that they will be closing completely after the 2015 holiday.

“There are other companies who do what we do, but they do it faster, cheaper, and better,” said USPS Postmaster General Marge Lampoon. “Between UPS, FedEx, and – of course – email, we cannot compete any longer. It’s a sad day, for sure, but people have been doing without us for years. We think that they will be okay.”

The USPS says that they will be staying open through the holiday season, but that times for delivery will be much slower.

“We’re starting to cut back immediately, so there will be less delivery drivers, less people to sort, etcetera,” said Lampoon. “If you normally get your mail by 3pm each day, you may find you’re not getting it until 10 or 11am the following day. We urge you to not use our service at all if you need to get your package somewhere quickly. If it’s not time-sensitive, by all means! We’d love to still send it along for you.”

“It’s too bad, really, that they’re closing. I have all these Goddamn ‘forever stamps’ that, I guess, I don’t need,” said former USPS customer Mark Clemons. “I’m wondering now, actually, if I can sue them for false advertising. I mean, I just bought these things two weeks ago. I don’t consider two weeks forever. Ah, the hell with them.”

Jeb Bush Looks To Reach Younger Voters By Legally Changing Name To Jeb Shaved

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Jeb Bush has been running his campaign based almost solely on his family name, following in the footsteps of his brother, George W., and father, George Bush, but seemingly failing to connect with younger voters.

“I think that too many people look at me, and they see my family, and although that’s okay, it’s not winning me any points lately,” said Jeb Bush. “In fact, I think having the Bush name is really becoming a hinderance in this race.”

Bush says that he thinks that his name is “too old fashioned,” and that a change is definitely in order.

“I am working with lawyers to have my name legally changed,” said Bush. “No longer will the Bush name be in my way. That name is old and dated. A relic of the 80s and 90s. From now on, I will go by the name Jeb Shaved, because that’s what the younger kids are about these days.”

There was no comment made by anyone else from the Bush family.

Cop Who Threw Student To Floor In Classroom Commended For Not Shooting Teen

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COLUMBIA, South Carolina –

According to a statement released by the Columbia, SC police department, Officer Ben Fields, the officer who drew national attention for a viral video that showed him slamming a female African-American teen to the floor in a classroom dispute, has been commended and rewarded with a promotion for his “keen use” of police and law enforcement skills in a difficult situation.

“The Columbia Police Department is pleased to offer our congratulations to officer Ben Fields, who resisted the obvious temptation of using his service revolver in what would have been the ideal situation, and instead defused a situation non-violently,” said Police Chief Rick Stuart. “We are extremely happy to announce that officer Fields has been promoted to a new position within the department, so we’d like to congratulate deputy detective Ben Fields.”

Officer Fields was initially put on leave after the altercation went viral, but investigation by police into the incident and the video proved that Fields was in the clear.

“Officer Fields could have rightly chose to use deadly force against this black student, as she was causing problems in class, and had been told to leave,” said Stuart. “Although easily justified if Fields has pulled his weapon, he chose to end the manner in a non-violent way, and was able to not only clear the classroom of any further disruption, he did it with no injuries to himself or any fellow law enforcement. It was the perfect arrest, and we are extremely proud of our officer’s actions.”

Dr. Ben Carson’s Name Appears On Leaked List of KKK Members

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a curious reveal of private information, Dr. Ben Carson, a member of the Republican party who is currently running for president, was listed in the database of names released by Anonymous that detailed membership in the Ku Klux Klan.

According to the hacker group, Carson is part of the South Knights of Order, a long-standing KKK affiliated group based out of Alabama. According to Carson himself, though, Anonymous got it wrong.

“I have no idea where this information comes from, but it’s definitely not accurate,” said Carson. “There is no way that I would ever associate with a group so entwined with the hatred of my people. It just doesn’t make sense. I think even if they tried to recruit me, I would just ignore them. I’d say ‘I think you want that white guy over there,’ and be on my way.”

According to Anonymous members, though, all of the information they’ve released is 100% accurate. In a note left on the message boards of 4Chan, Anonymous members say that Dr. Carson is a liar who is trying to save face.

“No one would elect a black KKK member into the presidency,” said user MartianMartin94. “If Carson were white, he might still have a chance, but because he’s black and in the Klan, there’s no way anyone will vote for him now. I mean, Donald Trump is a bigot and a moron, but he’s white, so he might still get in. Carson is finished, though.”

Japanese Trend of Having Eyes Dyed Comes To United States

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

For the last several years, Japanese teens have been spending plenty of money on a massive trend mostly favored by the dance club scene, wherein surgeons will permanently dye and change the color or design of their eyes. The insane trend, which began in late 2008, has finally made its way to the United States, with many plastic surgeons saying they cannot keep up with the demand from clients.

“I have had about 20 teens over the last 2 weeks all come in to have their eyes changed, dyed, and decorated,” said Dr. Marsha Lawrence, of Lawrence Plastic Surgery in Los Angeles. “It’s insane. The technology is very new, even with the year that it has been happening overseas, so the risks are still high. Sadly, of those 20 teens, 3 of them have already completely lost their eyesight. They say they don’t mind, though, as their eyes look awesome.”

Teens across the country have been making appointments with plastic surgeons to have eye work, as the trend is so new it isn’t currently regulated, and is open to anyone of any age.

“I have done it to anyone younger than 14 myself,” said Dr. Lawrence. “I know, though, of some colleagues that have done children as young as 9. They really love it.”

Parents are urged to talk to their children about FX contacts, instead.