Justin Bieber Says He’s Retiring From Music, Wants To Focus On Writing Novel

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

After storming off stage after only one song during his last concert, Justin Bieber has announced that he is retiring from music and performing to work on a novel he has been “tinkering with” for the last few years.

“I’ve been writing a historical fiction novel, set during World War II,” said Bieber in a recent interview. “It’s something I’m very passionate about. It’s a love story, a story of war and of peace, and it’s a story of traditional values and family, and I think it’s one that needs to be told.”

The pop singer, best known for making trash songs such as “Baby,” shocked fans when he announced his intentions of writing a book.

“I know there will be lots of people, especially young, naive girls, who think that I am giving up on them, but I’m not,” said Bieber. “Actually, what I’m doing is giving them a new creative avenue to explore. If you love my music, then you’ll love my novel.”

Bieber reportedly has a publishing deal worth over $1 million with Penguin/Random House Publishing. The book is due in late 2016.

Presidential Candidate Dr. Ben Carson Arrested For Conspiracy In Popeye’s Chicken Robbery

Posted on November 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Dr. Ben Carson, the Republican candidate for president, has reportedly been arrested for a crime he allegedly committed several years ago. According to an interview Dr. Carson gave on national TV that has since made the rounds, he admitted that during a robbery at a Popeye’s Chicken Restaurant, he aided the felon by directing him to rob the cashier at gunpoint.

“I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeye’s organization,” the retired neurosurgeon told Karen Hunter on Sirius XM Radio, referring to the fried chicken fast-food chain. “[A] guy comes in, puts the gun in my ribs. And I just said, ‘I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.”

Police in Baltimore, where the incident took place, say that the admission of guilt in part of the crime was enough for the arrest. They are currently seeking leads on his accomplice, the aforementioned robber with the gun.

For his part, Dr. Carson says that he is an “innocent man,” and was merely telling the story to gain sympathy and to show he had an understanding of gun violence, something that has confused everyone who has heard the story ever since he told it.

“Dr. Carson seems like one of those people who is so damn smart that they may actually be really, really stupid,” said Joe Goldsmith, a Baltimore resident who formerly worked at a Popeye’s Chicken Restaurant. “I don’t recall Dr. Carson ever coming into the place I worked, but if he had, and told a robber to come point a gun at me, I’d have whooped his ass.”

Carmelo Anthony Reportedly Overdoses On Medical-Grade Marijuana

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK, New York –

In 2004, Carmelo Anthony of the NBA’s New York Knicks was cited for trying to board a place with a bag of marijuana. Although Anthony claimed he was just “holding it for a friend” who had borrowed his bag, Anthony has apparently started dipping into that friend’s stash, as he was hospitalized on Friday evening with acute marijuana poisoning.

“Carmelo Anthony was admitted to the New York State General Hospital on Friday evening after reportedly smoking over a quarter of a pound of marijuana,” said hospital administrators. “This is the first instance of marijuana overdose in the world, and we are working diligently to make sure Mr. Anthony is comfortable.”

Doctors say that they are providing Anthony with plenty of fluids, including Monster Energy drinks, as well as foods to keep him stable, such as Bugles and Fritos.

“He’ll no doubt be on his feet again in no time,” said Anthony’s physician. “We do recommend, though, that he cut back on the amount of weed he smokes. That’s an awful lot to take in at one time.”

Former Cuban President Fidel Castro Dies In Skydiving Accident

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TRINIDAD, Cuba –

Former prime minister and Cuban president Fidel Castro has been killed, according to reports coming out of Cuba today.

“Mr. Castro was an avid skydiver, and liked to go many times throughout the year,” said a spokesman from within the Cuban government. “He reportedly was not able to deploy his parachute while jumping recreationally in Trinidad.”

Current Cuban president and socialist leader, Raul Castro, said that there will be a memorial service for Fidel Castro on Monday afternoon.

“As the impact to poor old Fidel’s body was too great, there is little to parade through our city squares,” said Raul Castro. “But, we will still be able to remember what a good person he was. Well, you know what I mean. He was okay, right? Anyway, a man has died. It is the only point that you cannot speak poorly of him.”

Fidel Castro, the former communist leader, was 88.

Haunted House Employee Dressed As Jason Voorhees Arrested After Killing 19

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire –

A haunted house employee at a venue in New Hampshire was arrested after police say the man “snapped,” and murdered 19 people with a machete while they were inside the haunt.

Thomas Richards, 37, was taken into police custody after a haunted house volunteer called 911. They claimed that one of other costumed characters working the event, who was dressed as horror movie character Jason Voorhees, was attacking people with what was supposed to be a fake machete.

“Mr. Richards had apparently swapped out his foam, haunt-provided machete for a real one, and attacked guests as they made their way through the haunted house,” said police chief Mario Colone. “He was able to attack over 30 people, with 19 of them dying from injuries sustained by the machete blows. These attacks took place over a period of 45 minutes, as no one knew the screams inside were real.”

Richards was well liked by his fellow haunt employees, and haunt organizers say that Richards had come back multiple years, with 2015 being his 9th year playing Jason in the haunted house.

“It’s mind-boggling that Thomas would just snap and kill all those people,” said haunted house organizer Christopher Creed. “I don’t know what would make him do it, but it is insane. The scene was bloody and violent. It was so disturbing I cringed. In fact, it was so disturbing, we decided to leave the crime scene the way it is for next year’s haunted house. People will be scared to death!”

Richards is scheduled for arraignment on Thursday. He will be charged with 19 counts of first-degree murder, as well as an additional 15 counts of attempted murder and assault with a deadly weapon. Police say that he faces the death penalty.

Teen Dies In ‘Scared Straight’ Haunted House Run By Christian Church

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TEXARKANA, Texas –

A young boy has reportedly died after visiting one of Texarkana’s Christian-run haunted houses. The “scared straight” haunted houses are a twist on a traditional haunted house, designed to scare people who live a life of sin into walking the path of the righteous, so that upon their death they can get into Heaven.

According to reports in the Texarkana Times, a young boy, Michael Matthews, 13, was so scared about the possibility of going to Hell, that he had a heart attack during the event.

“Our son was a good boy, but he was very scared of burning in eternal hellfire, as he should have been,” said Michael’s mother, Theresa Matthews. “He knew that he needed to walk with Jesus, but he was having a hard time doing so. He masturbated constantly. He didn’t eat his vegetables. He listened to pop music. The devil was in him, so we took him to the Hell House.”

The Hell House is one of many church-run haunted houses in the country, but the first one that was so terrifying that it actually killed someone.

“We are very saddened that our haunted house was too terrifying for one of our guests,” said church spokesman Mary Lambert. “We do design it to scare children, teens, and adults into walking to the light with Jesus. Apparently one such child was such a Hellion, that his own heart couldn’t take it.”

Lambert says that the entire church’s sympathies are with the Michael’s parents as his soul burns in the darkest corners of eternal hell.

Ebola Virus Making U.S. Resurgence As Virus Spreads Through Tainted Cat Feces

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

The U.S. may be finding itself back in the face of a massive Ebola pandemic. The dreaded disease has found another way into your home, putting cat owners and their families at the most risk.

Makers of bottom shelf cat food, like Special Cat and Furry Friend brands, have long been using the remains of sick Africans to add crude protein and filler to their cat food. While their representatives insist they use the highest quality, disease free remains, at least one person in the U.S. has already been affected from coming into contact with their household cat’s poop.

Jim Reynolds, 29, of Charlotte, North Carolina, is the first confirmed case of cat-contracted Ebola in the United States. “I always bought cheap canned cat food for my cats. Not because I don’t love them, but I figured it didn’t matter. They eat their own shit sometimes, so I figured a can of cat food is a can of cat food. Never thought I’d end up in quarantine. Not even a good TV to watch the game on in here. This sucks a fat one.”

Jim’s neighbor, Jenny Newport, says the increasing fear of cats has caused much tension in her neighborhood. “We’ve got a neighborhood watch for cats now. Everyone’s afraid of cats crapping in their back yards. Personally I like that our town was rat and rodent free from all the feral cats, but for now keep your cats well fed on a high-end food diet, and keep their shit-asses inside for God’s sake! I’m not catching Ebola cause you’re to cheap to spring an extra damn dollar for Friskees.”

Wal-Mart has already begun pulling Special Cat brands, as well as several other ‘dollar brand’ cat foods from their shelves, and millions more cans are expected to be recalled nationwide.

Pregnant women and children are urged to stay away from cat litter and sandboxes, due to an increased risk of exposure to the virus. Cat owners should buy dry food for their cats, and take special precautions when changing litter boxes or handing feces from cats who ate any cheap cat food in the last thirty days.

President Obama Arrested For Possession of Marijuana While Driving In Maryland

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

President Obama has reportedly been arrested for joyriding and possession of marijuana while traveling through Maryland on his way back to the White House, according to police reports.

The Baltimore Police Department say they pulled over a black 2015 Ford Ranger that was swerving erratically early Friday morning. Officers were surprised to find President Obama behind the wheel, obviously under the influence of marijuana.

“Our officers pulled over a new, luxury SUV at approximately 3AM Friday morning,” said Baltimore police captain Gary Holmes. “Officer Dan Lewis approached the vehicle, and found President Barack Obama in the driver’s seat. He was alone in the vehicle, and Officer Lewis claims there was an extremely strong odor of marijuana emanating from the cabin of the vehicle.”

According to Officer Lewis’ report, the President did not resit arrest, or put up any sort of argument with officials.

“He was very respectful, and came willingly,” said Officer Lewis. “He was arrested at the scene, and was booked on driving under the influence. A car containing 3 secret service agents arrived minutes after President Obama was stopped, and they, too, were cooperative with the arrest.”

Obama was held overnight and released on bail. According to the White House press secretary, President Obama will pardon himself for the misdemeanor, and will not face any jail time.

Canadian Man Arrested For Violent Slaying Of Multiple Teenagers At Bowling Alley

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VICTORIA, BC, Canada –

A Canadian man was arrested yesterday after allegedly violently murdering 7 teenagers in a Victoria bowling alley, reportedly bludgeoning some with a bowling pin, while at least one was killed via a shotgun blast to the head.

In what police are saying is the most violent, brutal death they’ve ever seen, the suspect also killed one teen by violently shoving his face into a Wax-O-Matic bowling ball waxer, causing the teen’s skin to practically melt off.

“It’s the most terrible thing I’ve seen in 27 years of being on the force,” said police chief Ryan Ellis. “We received reports that a group of teens had been allowed to enter the Bowl-O-Rama after hours by the facility’s evening janitor. Over the course of the night, our suspect meticulously killed each teen off in extremely violent, and bloody ways.”

The scene was completely blocked off from access for reporters, but several eye-witnesses on the scene say that there may have been at least one survivor. Police indicate that they are not currently releasing any names of the victims, and that they have not been able to name the suspect, except to say that he was employed by the Bowl-O-Rama.

“The suspect we arrested was a janitor for the facility,” said Ellis. “He refuses to give us his name, and has said that he will only answer to the initials B.B.K., although we do not know if those are his initials or a pseudonym. He has indicated to us that these teens all deserved to die, but has not said why he felt this way. We are still investigating.”

Ellis says that the suspect was arrested while wearing a bowling bag over his face, a bowling shirt, and carrying several bowling pins in a homemade belt.

PETA To Be Added To FBI Watch List Of Gangs, Hate Groups

Posted on October 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Following in the footsteps of the Bloods, The Cripps, and Juggalos, the animal rights group PETA has officially been added to the gang watch list at the FBI. According to a Bureau spokesperson, the PETA agency has been on their radar for years as a potential hate group, but it was only recently that it was decided they should be added officially.

“If we are going to consider a group like the Juggalos a gang, then we have to have PETA members be a part of this as well,” said FBI spokesperson Denise Johnson. “PETA are more violent, more dangerous, and full of more lies and deceit than nearly any other gang we deal with. Whereas the Bloods may be violent in the open, PETA are a group of seriously deranged individuals who will stop at nothing to fight for their cause, breaking whatever laws and spouting whatever lies they need to in order to gain supporters.”

The FBI claims that over the years, PETA has been responsible for violent and hateful acts, including riots, protests, physical assaults, and at least 2 deaths.

“The group, known to the public, mostly, as a group campaigning for animal rights, have long been know to have resorted to hypocritical, and often evil, methods of operation,” said Johnson. “From here on out, they will be watched very closely.”

The FBI says that PETA members will no longer be able to congregate in groups over 3, and that they must refrain from using their cause as a way of approaching civilians on the street.