Sarah Palin Announces 2016 Run for Presidency

Posted on December 1, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASILLA, Alaska –

Tea party darling and liberal punching bag Sarah Palin announced her plans to run for President in 2016. While Palin may be the first big name to throw her hat into the ring, it’s possible that she will have some stiff competition in the primaries, with possible candidates including, Jeb Bush, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, and Rand Paul.

”We already know who the Dems are planning to run, her royal highness of the liberal left, the ‘it’s my turn,’ Miss Hillary Clinton,” said Palin outside the Wasilla post office which also serves as the area meeting place, town hall, police station, fire station, and gas station. “2016 is not going to be a dogfight, it’s going to be a cat fight! It’s going to take a woman to beat a woman, and I’m your gal!”

Palin says that she isn’t sure, yet, which platform to run on, because she’s not even sure which issues really matter to anyone. The only thing she could say for certain is that she really wanted to start drilling into that local pipeline.

“All I can say is that we Palins know how to fight! What was true in 2008 is still true today, because Obama has done nothing. The key to financial independence, to fixing this economy, to creating jobs, to keeping us out of wars in the Middle East, to energy independence is ‘Drill Baby Drill!’ And Who do you trust to get the drilling done? Who do want to drill? Me or Hillary? I’m here to say trust me, and drill me! A new pipeline will bring oil to the refineries and create jobs. Who wants a job? Who wants to lay the pipe? Who would you rather lay the pipe for? Some dried up old bag, or would rather lay the pipe for me?! I want so much oil for this country, that when I look down at that long pipe, I get blasted in the face. I dream every night that I’m covered in oil while hard-working American men are drilling and laying pipe. That’s my dream for America, That’s why I want to be your next President!”

“She definitely created some excitement out there,” said Peter Push, Palin’s campaign manager. “I never saw anything like it. When Sarah finished, out of respect the men just sat there with their hats in their laps and waited a good five minutes before standing up. If it comes down to Palin vs. Clinton, I know who the men will be lining up behind.”

Christian Groups Outraged By New ‘Star Wars’ Trailer, Plan National Boycott Upon Release

Posted on November 30, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Christian groups and religious families have been publicly shunning the new Star Wars movie, and it doesn’t even hit theatres for over a year. Many devout, religious people are complaining that a single, quick image from the trailer is proof that the movie’s director, J.J. Abrams, as well franchise owners Disney, are out to promote the worship of Satan.

“It’s disgusting, truly an outrage,” said Peggy Lewis, a member of the group Christians Against Everything. “Did you see the filth they’re portraying in that commercial? It’s bad enough that they’re enticing kids with ‘the dark side’ and violence, but one of the characters in the movie is carrying an inverted cross as a weapon. And it’s a fiery red! The movie promotes Hell and Satan!”

In the film’s trailer, a Sith is seen carrying a lightsaber, the popular weapon of choice for the Jedi characters as well as their rivals, with “spokes” that come out of either side of the handle.

“I mean come on,” said Richard Sweat, co-founder of the religious group Christians United, Never Torn, an extremely religious group of parents who help to promote Jesus and the gospel through family film and music. “It’s clearly Satanic imagery. As it is, lightsabers were always extremely phallic, and as we all know anything long and phallic is automatically gay. Now the lightsabers are gay and anti-God! There will be a massive boycott of this film from every good Christian in American when it comes out.”

“I have no idea what the big deal is,” said Abrams, director of blockbuster films such as Star Trek and Super 8. “Disney isn’t really known for being anti-Christian, and there’s no way that they’d allow that sort of imagery into the movie. Perhaps people should wait and see [the movie] before they make judgements on whether it’s good, bad, Satanic, gay, or whatever. Yes, we’ve got new characters, and yes they have new weapons. Yes, we’ve got a black storm trooper. My God, everyone – it was a teaser trailer. Just wait and see what happens!”

Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens is scheduled for release in December, 2015.

Best Buy CEO Says Black Friday Sales Went Well, ‘Only 47 Deaths This Year’

Posted on November 29, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RICHFIELD, Minnesota –

Best Buy CEO Hubert Joly spoke to the press this morning about the company’s huge Black Friday numbers, and how 2014 turned out to be one of the best the company has seen in years.

“We had so many great deals this year,” said Joly, beginning his speech. “We had sales on all the hottest electronics, and we even had a 50″ TV with a better price than Wal-Mart had. It was just a wonderful day, and we are very thankful that our over 140,000 employees generously gave up their Thanksgiving holiday with families to come to work and shill for our items.”

Joly said that throughout the company’s almost 1200 stores, they were able to get almost everyone the product they were looking for, and at an unbeatable price.

“Thankfully, we had a pretty full warehouse leading into this season,” said Joly. “We had almost enough TVs, computers, and iPads for everyone. We only had 47 deaths this year, which is down from the 60-plus we’ve seen in previous years. All these people, all those crowds, all the trampling and fisticuffs, things are bound to happen sometimes.”

Generally speaking, there are fights, violence, and crowds so large that people are trampled, and often injured or killed, every year during Black Friday sales events. Joly says that it’s just ‘part of doing business,’ and one of the things that makes Black Friday exciting for the customers is the fact that they could not make it home.

“Places like Wal-Mart, they do a one-hour guarantee now, so you can be first in line or 2,000th in line, but if you’re there in the first hour, you’ll be getting your product. Maybe not right away, but you’ll get it at the sale price, and they’ll ship it,” said Joly. “We’re big, but we’re not Wal-Mart big, so stores like us, Target, K-Mart, Sears – we get to police our customers on our own. Just like the real police, though, we can’t always control the riots that ensue.”

Joly said that next year, they’re shooting to only have 20-30 deaths, and by 2020, they should be down to less than five.

“I don’t see it ever reaching zero deaths. I mean, even if the customers all behaved rationally and like normal people, we still expect at least 2 or 3 employees to die off from overwork,” said Joly. “Not that I ever have done it myself, but I imagine those 15-20 hour Black Friday shifts are horrible!”

Pope Francis Stepping Down, Says ‘There is no God’

Posted on November 29, 2014 by Abe Abrams

VATICAN CITY, Rome –

Pope Francis shocked the Catholic world today announcing that he plans on stepping down from his position. Papal Resignation is extremely rare, and this will only be the 7th time in the history of the church. Pope Francis made his announcement from his balcony in Vatican City to thousand of shocked spectators.

“I have come to the conclusion there is no God,” said Pope Francis, a man who has become known for his unorthodox views on the Catholic church. “I have dedicated my life to the church. Clearly, so many wasted years of unanswered prayers. I can no longer in good faith head the church anymore, as whatever spirit that had filled my heart is gone.”

A shocked crowd of onlookers became extremely quiet as the Pontiff continued, many of whom openly wept.

“I will stay on long enough for another Pope to be chosen, of course. I know many of you will be upset, but please be happy for me and my new life. I plan on spending my remaining years traveling, maybe finding a good woman and settling down. Hell, maybe even a good man. Who knows? It’s a new day, and I solemnly believe that everyone should choose to live their life the way they want. I wish you all the best and don’t let my decision stop you from believing in an imaginary God, if that’s what you want to do.”

”Pope Francis’ decision comes as no surprise to Vatican insiders, his hard-line stance on altar boy molestation, his generosity to the poor, and his blessing of gay marriage have made unpopular among priests of the church,” says Vatican reporter Francesco Rinaldi. “Some say the Pope was being blackmailed to step down by Church officials. Whatever the reason, most look forward to his departure so the Church can get back to business as usual – hating gays and bashing sinners.”

Woman Gives Birth During Black Friday Sale; Leaves Baby, Buys Big Screen TV

Posted on November 28, 2014 by DvanL

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin –

A Milwaukee woman is making headlines across the country this morning as it is being reported that phone-center supervisor Tiffany Briggs, 19, gave birth at her local Wal-Mart during the Black Friday midnight sale, and the left her baby in a bathroom sink.

Briggs was on break from her overnight shift at the nearby call center, and stopped by the Wal-Mart supercenter to get a new 50″ TV that was rolled-back to the low, low price of $218. Briggs said that she was racing through the store to beat the other customers to the deal, when she felt a sudden pain in her lower back. The next events were straight out of an episode of the TLC Series I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.

“I didn’t know I was pregnant,” said Briggs. “I went up to the cash lanes with my TV and got this massive pain down in my vajayjay area, and asked my friend Tyler, who works at the store, to watch my TV so I could use the bathroom, ’cause it was an emergency. I knew if I just left the TV, some asshole would come and snatch the cart right away, ’cause there weren’t that many available. Anyway, I ran through the crowd and when I got to the stall, the next thing I knew a little tiny baby girl popped right out and I was all ‘Wait, what?!’ I didn’t feel any pain after the first part, but damn it was a mess down there.”

After cleaning up, Briggs texted her best friend Mallory and told her what happened. “I didn’t know what to do and I was so scared so she [Mallory] Googled what to do when you have a baby without no doctor. She told me what the internet said, and I tied the cord with one of my hair extensions and washed her up in the sink with some antibacterial soap and paper towels.”

Mallory first suggested that Briggs call child protective services and report a ‘lost-and-found’ baby. “I definitely can’t afford a baby and I knew my mom would probably kick me out of the house if she found out, but then Mallory said she would call an ambulance and told me get out of there real quick and pretend nothing happened.”

Tiffany went back to the front lanes, paid for her TV and left, just as an ambulance arrived. 15 minutes later, police showed up at her workplace and placed Tiffany under arrest, charging her with child abandonment and neglect.

“It’s not my fault,” said Tiffany during an interview from Milwaukee County Jail. “I didn’t know I was pregnant and how could they prove if the baby was mine anyway? You have to get some DNA to prove it, and I didn’t even have any.”

Briggs faces up to 5 years in jail. The newborn has been taken in by CPS.

President Obama’s 16-Year-Old Daughter Malia Confirmed Pregnant

Posted on November 28, 2014 by Angela Baker

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In what promises to be the biggest White House scandal since intern fellatio, President Barack Obama’s daughter, 16-year-old Malia, has confirmed that she is pregnant.

Sources say Malia is now in her second trimester. Mother and First Lady, Michelle Obama, says that although she will be a grandmother much younger than she planned, teen pregnancy runs in the family.

“On her father’s side of course. My mother-in-law had Barack when she was 18, so I see where Malia gets it from. I’m just so excited to decorate the nursery. The White House hasn’t seen a baby since oh, 1884 or so.”

For now, Malia is staying hush-hush about the father’s identity, but one thing she would say is that he is white. “My mom always hoped I would get with a nice mixed-race man like dad, but love is so colorblind. Mom was probably right though. The dad already left me for some tramp. And of course, like all white men, my baby-daddy won’t want to pay his child support. I already told him, ‘You want to keep your license so you can drive that bleach-blond tramp around in your little Jaguar, right? Better step up.’”

Despite her future motherhood, Malia is still considering her college options. “It’s not like Stanford or Berkeley are going to, like, turn me down for being a teen mother. Hello, I’m the president’s daughter. This doesn’t ruin my plans for a future at all. I can probably get a book deal out of this in a few years. MTV already offered to give me my own show, White House Baby-Momma-Drama or something stupidly titled like that. I was like, no way – that’s so white trash.”

President Obama says he is being supportive of his daughter, despite being as outraged as any father would be if his young daughter announced an unexpected pregnancy. “We’re all very relieved this little blessing happened, and thankfully in my second term.” When asked about his daughter’s ex-boyfriend, he replied, “He’s just lucky I didn’t have him erased. Don’t mess with the Commander-in-Chief, homeboy. Ever hear of the Secret Service? Regardless, we’re sure he’ll come around.”

Newly Appointed Texas Sheriff Promises To ‘Look The Other Way’ On Crimes Against Illegals

Posted on November 27, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BROOKS COUNTY, Texas –

Sheriff “Big Roy” Wayne of Brooks County, Texas almost single-handedly declared an open hunting season on illegal immigrants in his county when he released a statement to the press yesterday morning announcing that he would be ‘looking the other way’ on crimes against illegal immigrants in his county. The announcement has brought both praise from Texas locals, and promise of lawsuits from human rights groups and the ACLU.

”If President Obama can pick and choose which laws he wants to enforce, so can I, because in Brooks County I am the law. I choose to ignore crimes against illegals, not because I hate them, but because we can’t afford them,” said Sheriff Wayne. “Obama lets them cross the border, I can’t stop that, but I can make it so uncomfortable here they steer clear of my county. We ain’t got enough jobs for our citizens, we have good people, tax payers who want me to do something about the illegal problem.

Wayne said that he isn’t expecting that anyone literally go out and kill illegal immigrants, but that a little rough-housing might make them think twice before sneaking in.

“Now, I ain’t saying I want anyone killing them illegals, but smack them around a little – sure, that’s okay. Beat them up real good, take what little belongings they have – Hell, why not? They’re taking from you, so take it back. Once word gets out about my plans, I am hoping that illegals will avoid Brooks County and we can get this ugliness behind us. Tomorrow, volunteers will be putting up signs all around the county that say, in Mexican, ‘U.S. Citizens Only – All Others Will Be Removed Violently! You Are Not Welcome In Brooks County!'”

“If you commit a crime against an illegal, that’s wrong, but if you’re an illegal, that’s wrong – so I guess two wrongs can make a right!” said United States Senator Ted Cruz. “It’s so genius, I wish I had thought of that. Vote for me for President, and I’ll make that the law of the land!”

Officer Darren Wilson Shot Outside of 7-Eleven In St. Louis

Posted on November 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

ST. LOUIS, Missouri –

In a breaking and developing story, the police officer who shot and killed Michael Brown of Ferguson, Missouri was approached by an angry mob and was shot twice upon exiting a 7-Eleven convenience store early this morning. Wilson is currently listed as in stable condition at Mercy Hospital in St. Louis, and is expected to survive.

A witness on the scene, Gloria Matthews, resident of St. Louis, told members of the Associated Press that she recognized the officer from television as she stood behind Wilson in line.

“Everyone in the store was whispering and pointing, it was really awkward,” Matthews said. “He paid for his items, which just happened to be a donuts, of course, and then I paid for my gas. As I walking out, I heard two loud pops that kinda sounded like firecrackers. I looked over and saw him lying on the ground.”

Other witnesses who were outside the store said they saw a group of caucasian men approaching Wilson as he exited the store. It was reported that the men were shouting obscenities at Wilson, and yelled at him blaming him for destroying their city. One witness, Rodney Kingston, said there was a brief exchange of words as Wilson proclaimed he just wanted to get home to his wife and watch television.

“He yelled back at the guys that he just wanted to get home and finish watching the sixth season of Law & Order: SVU on Netflix like a normal person. It was really weird and scary. The damnedest thing was that the guys who were giving him crap were all white, too.” Kingston said.

After Wilson was shot twice, reportedly once in the leg and once in the arm, he fell to ground, dropping both boxes of donuts. Kingston stated that the suspects who fired the shots ran away and jumped into a dark SUV, and then a flurry of looters “arrived out of nowhere” and scooped up all the donuts, lit fireworks, threw some bricks, and fled the scene just as quickly as they arrived. Kingston said he had never seen anything so bizarre in his life.

“Like four guys came from different directions, it was insane. They grabbed the donuts and they threw a couple of bricks at a nearby store, then they all took off,” said Kingston. “What the hell is the matter with this damn city, anyway?”

The group of men who shot Wilson fled the scene and remain at large. No other customers or witnesses were harmed in the incident.

At Least 6 Confirmed Deaths Of White People During Ferguson Riots Ignored By Mainstream Media

Posted on November 26, 2014 by Angela Baker

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Reportedly, at least two white women and 4 white men have died in the Ferguson Riots currently stemming from the Michael Brown ruling, but mainstream media – including FOX News, CNN, and MSNBC – are too afraid to report on these deaths, in fear of enticing white people to join in on the riots and looting and causing a possible race war.

Mildred Crocker was the first white woman to die in the midst of the riots. Her grandson, Dave Crocker, is outraged that his interview with local news station KKTY has not made it on any national, or even local, networks.

“My grandmother went out to get her prescriptions filled, oblivious to the chaos out here. Grams doesn’t have TV and doesn’t care about news. Anyway, she saw so many spooks at once she fell to the curb, clutching her heart. Then those damn black EMTs passed right by her, instead attending to some stupid gang-banger looking motherf—– with a gash in his head. Grams was 72. She could’ve lived to 102 if those jigaboos had gotten her in that ambulance right away.”

Cindy Vanthomme, 38, was trampled to death as the initial peaceful protests turned to riots. As she lay bleeding on the ground, other rioters reportedly trampled her, and stripped her of the nine Chanel and Gucci handbags s that she had been carrying, stolen earlier from a local pawn shop. According to her well-to-do white family, Vanthomme hadn’t personally stolen them, and had more than likely been intending to turn the handbags into police.

“We are trying our best to make sure that the current level of violence does not increase, so we’ve taken steps to make sure certain ‘stories’ stay within the area,” said Joseph Goldsmith, a National Guard spokesman on duty in Ferguson. “The local police have made sure to remove all white police officers active response duty, so if anyone gets shot looting, it’s going to be a black on black crime. The National Guard has taken similar precautions. As white people, we can’t take any chances, here.”

“We ain’t allowed to show white solidarity,” says a long-time Caucasian Ferguson resident, who asked not to be named for his own safety. “People are forgetting about the struggle of the poor white man. My cousin Jacob was shot dead in his trailer by a cop for pointing the remote control at the TV. When that happened, no one said, ‘hey that shit’s not right. How ’bout we bust into a store and get that new TV we been wantin?’ There were no riots when Jacob was killed. Maybe I shoulda done something, but I’m just so Goddamn lazy, you know?”

As the aftermath of the Michael Brown decision rages on, many people throughout the country are demanding more balanced coverage. Even obviously biased news sources like Fox News, who as the most stuffy, Republican channel on TV are often caught criticizing blacks and other minorities, continue to ignore the stories of white deaths. Sadly, it appears the deaths of Crocker and Vanthomme will pass by America unnoticed, while more and more violence continues in Missouri.

New ‘Anti-Cry Collar’ For Noisy Babies Has Human Rights Groups Outraged

Posted on November 26, 2014 by Angela Baker

BEIJING, China –

How far would you go to stop your baby from crying? China Toy Group has begun manufacturing a new line of parental aids, with their flagship device aimed at quieting your noisy baby. A terry clothed collar fits snugly around your baby’s neck, providing head support and emitting a low-pitched frequency hum that is inaudible to adults every time baby begins to cry. It has yet to be released in the US, but pre-orders are stacking up in China.

Human rights groups say that they think the concept sounds a bit too much like bark collars, which emit a high-frequency noise only dogs can hear, stopping man’s best friend from excessive barking. Activist Marsha Bradley says, “What’s next, shock collars for kids? Zap your kid when they don’t clean their room or shock your spouse when they forget to put the toilet seat down? This treatment is completely inhumane!”

CTG Representative, Fu Rui Shou defends the device, claiming it is a perfect way to help your child learn to behave.

“We not saying, keep on your baby 100% of time. When you out at restaurants, put on child, as courtesy to other people. Think you ready shake you baby? You use this product instead. So, so much better plan. It will save baby lives. It will save you sanity from baby who never stop crying. It also very safe. We think baby will like hum sound. Sound like being in sweet, cozy womb.”

Bradley disagrees. “I saw a baby with one of these things on. He was drooling all over the place – then he peed itself. That baby was terrified, and it hated wearing this cruelty collar.”

Currently, China Toy Association is developing a marketing plan for the US and Europe. They are optimistic it will catch on. Shou says they intend to extend the line into marital aids. “We still in early stage of development, but collar also be nice to have for nagging spouse. Shut them up good, no more complain. Teach them to act just like proper Chinese wife.”