Man Gets Botox Injections In Penis To Achieve Permanent Erection

Posted on May 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WATERVILLE, Maine –

A Maine man recently began making headlines in the medical world, as Anthony Nature, 28, recently convinced his plastic surgeon to inject Botox into his penis and testicles, causing him to have an erection at all times.

“Mr. Nature has visited me a number of times in the last few years,” said Dr. Carrie Pooler, plastic surgeon at Augusta Health Center. “Tummy tucks, a couple gluteus injections, and now, for the Botox penis injections. This is the first time that anyone has ever asked for this procedure, but I am confident that after Mr. Nature gets the word out, it won’t be the last.”

Nature says that he has never been happier with the results of one of his surgeries.

“I always had a penis that was just average, maybe slightly above average,” said Nature. “Plus, because of my addiction to movie theatre popcorn, I had really bad erectile dysfunction. What I wanted was a bigger, harder penis – longer, not really fuller. Not much, anyway. So I decided that I needed to have the Botox injections into my scrotum and penis. Now I’m erect all the time, and ready to go! The women I sleep with, they’ll never see me soft, so they’ll never know how tiny it is…or was!”

Dr. Pooler says that the Botox, which is actually a poison, will pull the loose skin of Nature’s penis and scrotum back, making the penis appear larger and the scrotum smaller.

“Basically his ol’ bait ‘n’ tackle is looking good, and he’s definitely ready to go,” said Dr. Pooler. “We have a date tonight, actually.”

Nature says that he is extremely happy with his new life, and the constant headaches and difficulty urinating are “totally worth it” in exchange for his newfound giant erection.

Prenatal IQ Test Developed – Find Out How Smart (Or Dumb) Your Baby Will Be

Posted on May 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DUNEDIN, New Zealand –

What if you could tell how smart your baby would be while still in the womb? Doctors in New Zealand have begun administering prenatal tests that not only screen for chromosomal disorders like Downs Syndrome, but they can give expecting parents an idea how intelligent their baby is likely to be.

Louis Barnett, lead scientist behind the new test stresses the test is important so parents are aware their child has the predilection to be stupid as early as possible. “There’s always hope. It’s important to understand there are many factors that contribute to a person’s intellectual potential, and genes are only one. A person’s intelligence is affected by nurture, in the womb and throughout childhood. Even if the genetics aren’t the best, the right environment can maximize a child’s potential.

Our goal is ultimately to advance the technology so parents can tell as early as two months.”

When asked whether they were concerned this type of testing would lead to more parents selecting to abort less than perfect embryos, Barnett replied that he is pro-choice. “If a woman decides to abort the dummy before it’s too late, that should be her choice. Ethically, doctors would not sway patients one way or the other.”

Teams of pro-choice advocates in the US hope this technology will be helpful in developing tests to detect Republicans in the womb.

Boston Medical Researchers Find That ‘Gayness’ Is Contagious

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Your grandparents were right after all: Being gay is apparently extremely contagious. The same Harvard Medical team that proved obesity and smoking can spread socially have released a new study that suggests being gay is equally spreadable.

Psychologist, Jean Bennett says, “It’s what people have been saying for years. Happiness is infectious. Mirror neurons are activated when we see other’s doing something. If they’re smiling, it’s likely we will smile back.”

Bennett warns, “It’s important to surround yourself with positive, happy people, and limit the time with Negative Nancies. Everyone wants to be gay, right? Your best bet it is surround yourself with gay people. Trust me, it will rub off.”

Gay rights activists deny these allegations, and say even if it were true, there is nothing wrong with being gay. Offended homosexual, Bert, told Empire News, “The world would be a better place if gayness was contagious. Think of the parties we’d have! Oh my God, it would be fabulous, I can’t even imagine. Sadly, this is complete and utter bologna though.”

If You’re In The Market For A Summer Swimsuit, Read This First!

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

As bikini season approaches, women everywhere are searching for that one flattering bathingsuit that will get them through the season.

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) now warns west-coast shoppers to keep underwear on when trying on bathing suits this season, after two ladies in the Sacramento area have been diagnosed with antibiotic-resistant Gonorrhea after trying on swimsuits. Both women claim circumstances make it impossible that they contracted the mutant strain from sexual activity.

Both had gone swimsuit shopping the week before showing pronounced symptoms of gonorrhea, including a pus-like vaginal discharge and uncontrollable urination.

As this strain of gonorrhea is exceptionally aggressive, the CDC cautions all shoppers when trying on clothes. “Usually gonorrhea is only spread through sexual contact, and it can be cured. This strain is concerning because it is not only resistant to treatment, it has a high survivability. It appears a minute amount of bacteria was able to live on the fabric that came in contact with the source’s vagina. Frankly, that’s frightening.”

Study Proves That Oxygen Is World’s Worst Gateway Drug

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A new study by Harvard medical students has proven unequivocally that oxygen – the air that all mammals breathe in to sustain life – is the most intense ‘gateway drug’ that there is.

“For years, people have been touting marijuana as a gateway drug to trying other, harder, more fun and exciting drugs,” said Harvard researcher James Franz. “Our study shows, though, that there are many, many people who will try marijuana in their lives, and never go on to try any other drugs. On the other hand, though, there is not a single person who has tried marijuana that has not tried breathing oxygen first, making it the most powerful gateway drug we’ve ever seen.”

Researchers agree that although on some occasions marijuana users may go on to try more drugs and seek new experiences, most of them will never bother.

“I’ve been smoking weed since I was 16,” said researcher Kevin Heart. “I’ve never even had the slightest interest in trying anything else. I smoke every single day, and it’s amazing – why continue on? But, that said, I did try oxygen first, so that really was my gateway. Oxygen is a real fickle bitch, if you know what I mean.”

The Harvard researchers say that they are also looking into the correlation between people who drank water growing up who later became alcoholics.

Bruce Jenner Praised As ‘American Hero,’ Transgender People Everywhere Bored By News

Posted on May 3, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

During an interview with Dianne Sawyer, Olympic athlete Bruce Jenner, best known now for being the former step-father to the clan of Kardashian whores, described his transformation from once-proud man into a now-proud woman. The interview was watched by dozens of people, but so far no transgender people have come forward to say that they had any interest in the interview.

“If it had been someone relevant that they were talking to, then it might have been worth watching,” said Melissa Reynolds, a transgender woman. “Bruce Jenner is just…I mean look at him. He’s a nightmare. American hero? Please. Millions of other people have gone through everything he’s going through, but they didn’t get a damn Dateline interview.”

“I don’t care a dick about Bruce Jenner, personally,” said another transgender woman, Vanessa Royale. “He was on a Wheaties box when my mom was a kid, but I didn’t eat Wheaties anyway, so I can’t be bothered to care. If anything, Laura Jane Grace from the punk band Against Me! is the one they should have been talking to. If they want to teach people about transgender issues, especially young people, having someone they can relate to a little better than Bruce Friggin’ Jenner might have been a better idea.”

Jenner, who is on his way fully becoming a woman, says he has no issue with pronouns, and is comfortable being referred to as either ‘he’ or ‘she,’ and just wants to be allowed to live his life as he sees fit.

“They said that the interview was going to be one that everyone talked about, but I don’t know anyone talking about it,” said Reynolds. “He’s not an American hero for becoming a woman. He was an Olympic hero, sure, but now, he’s just another transgender person who is trying to become what he feels he is on the inside. That’s not heroism, and talking about something that many, many other people have been dealing with or dealt with for years isn’t heroism either. He’s just another part of the pack, now.”

Dr. Oz Forced to Undergo All His Miracle Treatments

Posted on May 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Television personality Dr Oz has come under fire over the years for constantly touting what he calls “miracle treatments” which have no scientific backing. The debate over his legitimacy has heated up recently, with many saying he is a fraud who advertises products under the guise of medical advice, betraying the trust of those who trust him with their health choices. Now activists have found an innovative way to test his commitment, with their insistence that he publicly tries a course of all of those so-called miracle treatments.

“He’s agreed to do it, but with a lot of reluctance,” said nurse and sceptic, Perennial Lopez. “I think he’s frantically trying to find a way out of this, because he knows what’s about to happen to his health and reputation.”

A list of some of the possibly bogus health claims he has made include miracle weight loss supplements, communicating with the dead, harnessing energy to face risky surgeries, homeopathic flu remedies, and brushing teeth with soda and baking powder.

Although these products and methods are unlikely to do Dr Oz any real damage on their own, together we may see the controversial figure fighting for his sanity, if not his physical health.

“He’ll be undergoing surgery, so that we can see if harnessing energy really helps,” said Lopez. “We’re going to give him the latest strain of flu, and make him take that homeopathic bullshit. Then, he’s gonna try lose weight.”

Dr Oz could not be reached for comment, but his spokesperson says that he “is not concerned at all. Mehmet [Oz] is a trustworthy individual who would never promote anything unsafe or ineffective. Well, ineffective maybe, but definitely not unsafe. Definitely. Some products which have been deemed unsafe were never really marketed by him in the first place. He just told the public about them so that they could make up their own minds.”

Supreme Court Rules Men Will Have Sole Decision In Termination of Pregnancy

Posted on April 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a landmark ruling, supreme court Judge Joe Bornstein has stated that in instances of pregnancy, the baby’s father will have the sole decision making abilities on the right to abort.

“Science and studies have shown that men are the better decision makers, especially under times of heavy duress. I don’t know of a time of more duress in a person’s life than an unplanned pregnancy,” said Bornstein. “It is because of these issues that I rule that in instances of unplanned pregnancy, the father will have the sole decision making responsibilities on whether or not to terminate.”

Naturally, many people, especially uppity feminists, were extremely upset at the court’s decision.

“This is an outrage! It’s a crime against women! Help, I’m being raped by the government!” said Nicole Mosier, 26, who is a self-proclaimed feminist. “These judges, these men in robes, they bang their little gavels like they bang their little dicks, and they think they have control over me? They think they have control over any woman? Let’s see them tell me whether or not my rapist has control over whether or not I abort his baby. What will they do then?!”

According to Bornstein, he is unfazed by the comments made by the emerging feminist party, who are calling for his literal balls on a platter.

“In time, they will learn that this is a man’s world, run by men, controlled by men. Women have their places, yes. Women can do many things a man can do, yes. But the one thing she definitely cannot do is make decisions for her own body, health, or the body and health of a possibly unwanted baby.”

Doctors Create Literal ‘Cure For Love’

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A team of doctors and scientists at Boston University has discovered what they say is a literal ‘cure for love,’ which when injected, can actually stop all feelings of love that someone may have for someone or something else.

“We can actually get very specific with the way the medicine works, and target receptors that are only about one specific person,” said Dr. Gary Moore. “Basically, say you have a relationship that ends badly, and one party cannot get over their now ex-partner. With our drug, we can inject just one shot in the jugular vein, and their love for that person will immediately diminish.”

Researchers began work on this new drug, which many are hailing as a modern miracle, after lead scientist Fred London lost his dog of 18 years, Pookie. “Pookie died after a long illness, and I could not get over him,” said London. “I began looking for ways that I could remove that love, that loss, from my life. 3 years later, we have finally made it possible to leave that broken heart behind for good.”

Testing has only recently begun with human subjects, after trials with other mammals went extremely well.

“We gave our drug to a horse, and it instantly didn’t care anymore that we had cut off its legs for glue,” said Dr. Moore. “The same was true in other animals we tested it on. I personally volunteered to go first in the human trials, too, as as they were beginning, I had just gone through a nasty divorce with my cheating-whore wife, who I loved very dearly. After one shot, I barely even gave a shit anymore that she was sleeping with my best friend for 3 years behind my back.”

Booth Dr. Moore and London say that they are expecting FDC approval on their drug by the end of the year, with test continuing through the summer months.

New Teen Trend Has Kids Licking Each Other’s Hair To Get High

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GROVER, Mississippi –

A new trend amongst teens and young adults throughout most of the midwest has emerged, and it’s one of the weirdest ones yet. According to Hardline Magazine, a popular periodical for teens, kids in Mississippi have begun licking each other’s hair in order to get high.

From Hardline:

It was amazing to us too, but human hair is apparently a very powerful psychedelic with a great ‘body high,’ and teens have begun licking each other in record numbers.

Dr. Richard Kimble, of Floyd Memorial Hospital in Grover, Mississippi says that he’s already seen 2 teens overdose, and that he’s extremely scared that it could become an epidemic if not controlled immediately.

“These teens, they don’t understand that even if they are getting high off licking each other’s hair, your hair contains millions and millions of microbes that can cause illness or death,” said Dr. Kimble. “Aside from just the gross things like possible lice or dandruff, there are also various bacteria that could render you completely paralyzed, comatose, or violently ill. I am warning all parents to watch for signs of your child licking hair.”

Dr. Kimble says that parents can look for swollen eyes, thick, cotton-like mouth, and also blisters on the tongue.

“I don’t even care what the doctors say, I’ve never been so fucking high in my life,” said Louis Carter, 16. “I lick my girlfriend’s hair all the time, and she licks mine. We have also experimented with licking armpit hair, and also licking pubic hair. Armpit hair didn’t get me high, but pubic hair led to some great sex. Only hair on the head will give you the trip, though.”

“If you suspect that your teen might be addicted to licking hair, please, get them help immediately. If you believe your child has been having his or her head licked, then please shave their head, while they sleep if necessary, and put a stop to this horrid drug abuse quickly.”