Barack Obama In Blue Suit May Actually Be White President in Gold Suit

Posted on March 2, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A fearsome debate has broken out on social media across the globe over whether Barack Obama is a black president dressed in blue, or a white president dressed in gold. Obama has long been considered the first black president of America, but is he really?

The controversy was sparked by a photo of the president at a gala event in California last weekend. Although more than fifty percent of viewers saw the African American leader in a blue suit, a significant minority insist that he is a white man in a gold suit. YouTube videos attempting to explain the phenomena have gone viral, but which reality is real?

“This is a fantastic example of how people’s brains do not interpret sensory input in a uniform way,” said physicist Michael Surewood. “There are many possible explanations for why different individuals see different colors, including the possibility of our minds assuming that the president was standing in shade, that shadows were falling across his outfit, and so on. But what is clear, is that the very identity of our country’s leader is in doubt.”

Republican MPs have come out strongly in support of the white and gold rendering of the president, some going so far as to say that the “first African American President line was a simple deception to draw in liberal votes.” Rand Paul, a possible contender for the 2016 presidential elections, is at the forefront of this view.

“You can’t tell me what I’m seeing is wrong,” he said to reporters. “I see a white president in a gold suit, and that’s that. Am I meant to believe that my eyes don’t work properly? I’ve been categorizing people by colors all my life. I think I would know when I see a white man.”

However, photographs have emerged of the prototype of Barack Obama, showing conclusively a black president in a blue suit. Debate may continue over why Obama looks white to some Americans, but what is sure is that he really is a black man.

Obama Confesses Dirty Secret: ‘I Had Sex With Michelle’

Posted on February 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The political arena of the US has again been rocked by a sex scandal, this time at the highest level. Speculation has given way to fact, as President Barack Obama today confessed that he has had sex with first lady Michelle – on multiple occasions. Yet, unlike with former President Bill Clinton’s misbehavior, Obama does not appear to be abashed in the slightest, leading to criticism from conservatives around the nation.

“I’ve been sleeping with Michelle for years now,” wrote the president in a long, tedious series of twitter posts. “23 years in fact. Long before I was voted in to run this country. Long before Michelle was voted in as First Lady. Even before I was in office in Illinois. We’ve had intercourse so many times. I lost count long ago. We’re both really good at it. That is why we keep doing it. As an amoral liberal, I believe that there is nothing wrong with the president and the first lady sleeping together.”

Conservative senator and possible 2016 presidential candidate, Rand Paul, has reacted with fury at the president’s remarks.

“This is what happens when you’re too left wing!” he shouted to loud applause while visiting in Des Moines. “Suddenly it’s alright to have all kinds of disgusting affairs. It doesn’t matter that you’re a role model to the nation. Who cares? Why not have the time of your life?” the Kentucky politician scoffed.

Other critics were more concerned about issues closer to home.

“What about the children?” asked former congresswoman Michele Bachmann. “Natasha and Malia Ann will be devastated at the news that their parents have carried out such an illicit affair. It’s appalling.”

Natasha Obama, however, was more forgiving.

“Mom and Dad have been living together for a long time,” she wrote on her blog. “When you’re in such close proximity, stuff happens. It really comes as no surprise to me. Two attractive people sleeping in the same bed inevitably have sex. I watched that movie with Sandra Bullock – The Proposal I think it was called. Those two even ended up getting married.”

Former President George W. Bush Diagnosed With Autism

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

AUSTIN, Texas –

In news that has rocked the nation, and in particular the Republican Party, former President George W. Bush has been diagnosed with autism. After classified documents detailing Bush’s childhood and development were released to lead psychiatrists, researchers were unanimous in naming the much-dreaded disease as the source of all of his idiosyncrasies and poor decision making abilities.

“I always suspected something of this kind,” said expert Chris Denio. “He is a very rigid, inflexible man. For example, his insistence on saying ‘nucular’ when he knew the term was ‘nuclear’. His oft-recognized kinship with [Russian President Vladimir] Putin, with whom there is definitely something… off. His weird relationship with [former British Prime Minister] Tony Blair – they did a lot of strange things together, like the time they created a blanket fort, but they hardly ever spoke. In fact, Bush hardly ever speaks unless he’s been told what to say.”

Current Iraqi President Fuad Masum expressed outrage at what he called the “arrogance of America. They allowed a man with a deep-seated disorder ruin our country! It’s just like when they allowed an actor to escalate the Cold War. I mean, an actor! To make decisions which could have led to the end of the world as we know it! Bloody Americans. Pfff.”

Friends and family of the politician rallied to his defence, while admitting that Bush truly is autistic.

“It’s not his fault,” said wife Laura. “Blame his parents. They gave him those vaccinations. Besides, he’s high functioning. And he has a wife who’s been behind all his decisions and actions, making sure he never did anything irreversible. Well, okay, war in Iraq was pretty irreversible, but other than that, hardly any f***-ups!”

The former President himself, when reached for comment, simply stated, “I know the square root of 2403302. Do you?”

Born Again Christian Unsuccessfully Attempts to Assassinate President

Posted on February 16, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Secret Service agents are on high alert after an unsuccessful assassination attempt on Barack Obama. The perpetrator, identified as a man called Mark David Chapman, fired shots from a .38 revolver at the president and first lady outside the entrance of the White House. He was found sitting at the scene, reading J. D. Salinger’s acclaimed novel, The Catcher in the Rye.

Chapman was apparently muddled, but gave a statement to the police indicating his motivations for the attempted murder of the president.

“He said that he was more popular than Jesus,” said Chapman, seemingly referring to something Obama may have said at a private gathering. “He also said that he didn’t believe in God, or the Beatles. How could he say those things? It just made me so angry.”

Friends of Chapman say that he has been growing increasingly religious, having become a born again Christian in 2012. He was formerly infatuated with President Obama, but became angry when he perceived what he called “Obama’s hypocrisy.”

“He told us to imagine no possessions,” Chapman continued, referring to a song that Obama must have written and recorded in his youth, “and there he was, with millions of dollars and yachts and farms and country estates, laughing at people like me who had believed the lies and bought the records and built a big part of their lives around his music.”

The hypocrisy struck a nerve, especially as he lived by the credo of Holden Caulfield (the protagonist of The Catcher in the Rye), who hated “phonies and phoniness.”

The president released a statement, indicating that he had earlier signed an old school vinyl album that Chapman had for him, and that he “seemed strange, but not like he was going to kill me or anything.”

Photographer Paul Goresh took a photo of Obama signing Chapman’s album, which has gone viral on social media around the globe.

Obama Ask Congress To Approve Sale Of Alaska To Chinese Government, Hopes To Pay Off National Debt

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama shocked congress today when he announced that he has been secretly talking to the Chinese government about selling Alaska. Obama promised the sale of Alaska to the Chinese in hopes that he would be able to pay off the national debt. He also stated that he sees no logical reason why congress should not approve of it.

“For the past several months I’ve been secretly negotiating with President Xi Jinping of China,” announced President Obama. ”Alaska actually is a pretty expensive piece of land with all it’s gold and oil, and President Jinping is will to pay the value of our national debt, a little over 18 trillion, which we have come to figure is just only slight above 1 trillion over market value. With those numbers, even the most racist republicans can’t say that’s a bad deal.”

Obama says that although he feels that China being so close to the United States and Canada could later have disatrous effects, the ability to pay off completely the debt owed by the country would be an immense relief.

“When congress approves of the sale, our nation will be debt free, and that’s a good thing. Ever since I took office, all I have heard is ‘national debt’ this, and ‘national debt’ that, and what am I going to do about it? Well, I did something, now it’s in the Republicans hands to finish the deal.”

“I think it’s a great idea, as all of Obama’s ideas have been so far,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. ”I know that I never personally considered Alaska part of America anyway. The only people who live there are freedom loving gun nuts like Sarah Palin, and that’s not what America is about anymore.”

Not everyone shares the same optimism about the sale as President Obama and other democrats, though.

“Alaskans won’t stand for it, that’s for sure! We may be different, but we are not crazy,” said former Alaskan governer Sarah Palin. ”Who does Obama think he is? How about reducing the debt by spending less, that’s how we do it in the Palin household. I don’t think Obama could even balance his own checkbook, never mind clearing out our national debt!”

“Theres not a chance in hell this will pass,” said Rep. John Boehner. ”The President is out of touch with reality. I wake up every day and say to myself:’ just two more years…just two more years…'”

President Obama: Undocumented Immigrants Who Worked ‘Off The Books’ Can Still File Taxes, Get A Refund

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama is making waves this morning after announcing an extremely controversial decision that will causes massive changes and government payouts for immigrants, this time allowing illegals to file taxes to get a refund. Illegal aliens who worked ‘off the books’ throughout 2014 will be able to get refunds on taxes they would have paid. The President says he will allow them to use the honor system, and that illegal immigrants can file using an approximation of their earned income.

“We need to stop treating undocumented immigrants like second class people, we are better than that,” said President Obama. ”These hard working men and women are forced to work off the books, in the shadows of our employment systems. Just because they didn’t pay into the State or Federal government like people normally do with taxes withheld from their paychecks, does not mean they don’t deserve to have their refunds.”

“Because undocumented aliens won’t be receiving a W-2 form, these workers will be allowed to estimate how much they got paid in 2014,” said White House press secretary Joe Myers. “Their refund will be based on their estimate and how much would of been withheld if they actually paid taxes. We estimate that these people, who in many cases have risked life-and-limb to make it to the United States, would not risk lying about their income to increase a return. We have faith in all undocumented immigrants.”

“Apparently Obama does not understand how taxes work, or where the refunds are coming from,” said Senator Ted Cruz.” Well, I do, and if you have no state and federal taxes withheld, you don’t get a refund. He’s just giving them free money, and he’s buying democratic votes with this plan. The problem is the money isn’t free, it’s coming right from the pockets of hard working Americans. When I’m elected President, I’ll make it so uncomfortable for illegals, they will be climbing the fence back into Mexico.”

Studio Admits ‘American Sniper’ Is Propaganda Film; Movie Was Commissioned By U.S. Government

Posted on February 12, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Warner Bros. Entertainment, in an announcement that surprised no one, admitted Wednesday that their box office hit, American Sniper, was actually a poorly disguised propaganda film commissioned by the US government.

“We don’t see it as shameful to be promoting patriotism in our beloved country,” said CEO Kevin Tsujihara. “Chris Kyle is someone we can be proud of. He was a true American hero, one who was willing to give up all qualms over what is moral and good to mindlessly kill individuals his country told him were the baddies.”

Director Clint Eastwood, however, denied that he knew anything about government intervention.

“Propaganda?” he yelled. “What’s this propaganda?! To have pride in your country is propaganda?! To do what it takes to save the lives of American citizens is propaganda?! Those liberals will be the death of us all!”

According to military sources, conscription to the armed forces has rocketed since the release of the obvious glorification of American interests.

“Since the film’s release, we’ve seen a massive increase in young men and women signing up for the Navy. Millions of people, so that film is working. And it’s not just the poor and aimless who are choosing to fight any longer,” an anonymous source told news outlets. “Privileged rich boys are giving up their lives to do whatever the current authorities have deemed is necessary. It’s a pleasant break from what we’re used to.”

While President Obama, along with other Democrat leaders, has distanced himself from reports on government involvement, certain Republicans have come out in defense and praise of the film that received six Oscar nominations.

“In all my years,” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, breathing heavily. “In all my years, I’ve never heard such anti-patriotism as is coming from the liberal left. American Sniper is itself an all-American victory. What others may call propaganda, I call spreading truth. What’s next? They’ll start calling Uncle Sam propaganda, that’s what’s next!”

President Obama Hit With Pie; Security On High Alert

Posted on February 4, 2015 by ZGHarris

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has been pied!

The incident occurred after a meeting with the American Muslim Leaders in the Roosevelt Room. As the President exited the office, a still unidentified man ran up to the President and slapped pie platter on the side of the President’s head.

A Secret Service officer quickly subdued the man, but only after the pieing had occurred. The individual has been taken to a secure location for questioning.

The Obama administration’s Secret Service has been under heavy scrutiny following a series of failings. There was the shooting at the White House over the summer, followed by a drone being able to fly onto the grounds. Now, the Secret Service is once again under fire and will be left on high-alert for weeks.

“I am not allowed to speculate on the reasoning or nature of the attack,” said a secret service spokesperson. “I will state that the pie has been examined, and it was cleared of any poisons. We are now pulling out all the stops regarding check points and security around the perimeter. As an added precaution, all White House chefs have now lost baking privileges until further notice.”

The confection that struck the president was not a cream or berry pie as one might expect. Instead, it was a Spinach, Meat, and Cheese Pie. These pies are most commonly found in the Middle East, and have left some speculating what the deeper meaning is.

The White House Press Secretary released a brief statement regarding the president’s health.

“The President would like to assure the American people that he is both fine, and that the pie was quite tasty. He said he only wished the man had handed him the pie, rather than waste so much of it that was lodged deep within the President’s ear.”

Senate Approves Prostitution Freedom Bill, President Obama Expected To Sign Off

Posted on February 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Senate passed a bill today to force approval of federally legalized prostitution in the United States, which President Obama is expected to pass in his second official clash with the new Republican-majority Congress.

Earlier this week, the Senate approved a bill in support of the Keystone XL oil pipeline. Now, with two bills heading towards the President’s desk, Republicans seem to be going after and testing President Obama after winning control of the Senate late last year. Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, who is the majority leader chose the ‘Prostitution Freedom’ bill as the bold companion to the Keystone Oil Pipeline bill, and says that Republicans now have the Presidents hands tied.

“The President would be ill advised to veto both bills,” McConnell said. “Obama would have to be stupid to shoot down both, so it seems that he is going to pass the prostitution bill and veto the Keystone pipeline bill, which he is seemingly more concerned with preventing. Democrats are more likely to warm up to the idea of legalized prostitution these days, and for good reason. It works for the state of Nevada, and it will work for the rest of the country. Sometimes, the typical American citizen needs to unwind after a tough week at work.”

The Senate voted 61-37 in favor of legalized prostitution, and nine democrats joined Republicans in passing the bill. Democratic senator George Charles of Colorado says that prostitution would help his state just as much, if not more, than the legalization of marijuana. “I mean heck, it is safer this way. Licensed prostitutes will be required to have monthly check-ups to ensure they have a clean product. Without legalized prostitution you have women, and men, walking the streets with God knows what disease while soliciting clients,” Charles said. “I know that when it’s time to go out and find a nice whore, I want to be ensured that she’s as clean as my Mama’s backside, if you know what I’m getting at.”

Child Hospitalized for Malnutrition, Doctors Blame School Lunches

Posted on February 3, 2015 by thebluntman

TULSA, Oklahoma –

A young girl was hospitalized last week after complaints of feeling faint, followed by her passing out in her English class. The reason, according to doctors, was malnutrition brought on by the school’s shoddy lunch program.

According to the girl, whose family is keeping her name private, she was regularly buying school lunches. The sixth-grader at the Gonzo-Tulsa Elementary School, attested that her school lunches had basically been her only means of survival for several years, due to her parents’ expensive and destructive habits.

“Last year, the lunches were better. We had more to eat and it tasted better. Now everything looks like something from the dumpster behind the Sonic. The food doesn’t even taste like food anymore,” said the girl from her hospital bed. “I figured I would rather starve than eat some of the things they offered. Sometimes, even when I eat everything I get, I don’t feel like it’s good for me to be eating it. I wish mom and dad would get off drugs and stop hitting each other. Then maybe Mommy could make my lunch for me again.”

Why was the food so bad to cause this starving young girl to almost cease eating? The new health guidelines appointed by Michelle Obama that schools nationwide are supposed to bow down to.

Dr. Keith Ballard, Tulsa Public Schools Superintendent, gave his opinion. “In the wake of this young girl’s experience, I am going to personally look at the food that our schools are serving the children. If our schools are compromising food quality and endangering student lives simply to please the President’s wife, it may be time for our district to make a change.

Michelle Obama shared her thoughts about the incident. “While I am rather saddened by the incident with this young girl, I cannot change my health plans because of one isolated incident. What if all we gave our children is what they want to eat. All they ever want is junk food! That’s why every single child in this country, and only in this country, is morbidly obese. These guidelines are here to help, not hinder.”

According to school officials, the lunch that is served most days is steamed corn, boiled cabbage, yogurt, and milk. On rare occasions, a meat will be served. “That’s normally reserved for holidays, though. Like on the Friday before Easter, the kids get a steakum in place of the cabbage,” said lunch lady Anne Jones. “They all seem to enjoy meat.”