New Massachusetts Law Makes Talking On Cell Phones In Public Illegal

Posted on August 10, 2014 by JP

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A law has been passed in Massachusetts this past Friday which seeks to end the ‘rudeness and distractions’ created by people who excessively use their phones in public. The new law, which was signed by state governor Deval Patrick, will impose a fine of to $200 dollars for cell phone use in public locations such as restaurants, movie theaters, and schools.

The law was voted into place by the Massachusetts state representatives after numerous complaints by the public about noise pollution in public areas, acts of violence, and the general ‘distracted nature’ that comes from a person who is using their phone and not paying attention to their surroundings.

Part of the law was introduced in 2009, when the state made it illegal to text while driving. In 2011, the state created an addendum that stated it was also illegal to talk on the phone while driving, unless you were using a hands-free device.

“We knew that using the phone while driving was creating distractions and accidents,” said Governor Patrick. “Sadly, accidents aren’t just happening while driving. We’ve had reports of everything from people falling into open manholes to getting hit by cars to getting into fights after one person runs into another, all because these folks were too distracted by their call to notice their surroundings. These are the reasons we’ve created this new law.”

People who work in the restaurant industry and other fields of luxury reportedly couldn’t be happier with the new law.

“I can’t even begin to tell you how much it sucks to have to take an order from somebody who can’t even look you in the face because they are too busy chatting on their phones,” said Christine Mosier, a waitress at a Boston-area Ruby Tuesday restaurant. “First they come in talking, and they are always too busy on their phones to even place an order, then they yell because service takes too long. On top of that, I get complaints from one table saying that a nearby patron is speaking too loudly, and then ironically, that other patron will say the same about them. Just leave your phones in your car or your pocket and enjoy your meal for crying out loud.”

The state government has worked closely will all cell phone carriers to help impose the fines.

“Unlike a normal law where we’d arrest you or give you a ticket, these fines can be imposed by an officer and charged directly to your carrier. This way, if you refuse to pay your fines, your phone will be shut off due to the non-payment,” said Patrick. “In this way, we can force repeat offenders to think twice before breaking the law – or else they won’t have any way to break it in the first place.”

Several states are watching Massachusetts closely to see how the new law plays out. New Jersey, New York, and Connecticut are also considering enacting similar laws that would keep their streets ‘clean of the noise’ of flagrant cell phone users.

The new law was signed into order on Friday. It goes into effect on October 1st, 2014.

Obama Signs Executive Order Amending Constitution, Allows Unlimited Terms As President

Posted on August 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has signed an executive order that seeks to amend the constitution, changing the listed terms a president can serve from the current two to an ‘unlimited’ amount. With support from Congress, the president signed the order with the intent of running for a third term in 2016.

“The people of this great nation deserve a leader that works for them,” said President Obama in a statement from the White House. “The change I promised during my first race is coming soon. It is very hard to un-do all the faults of your predecessor in only 4 short years. That is why I ran again, and you have elected me again for another 4 years. But even 8 years can sometimes not be enough time. So that is why, with the support of the U.S. Congress, I have exercised my rights of executive to sign this order, which will amend the Constitution of the United States, and allow for an unlimited number of terms as President.”

In 1940, Franklin Roosevelt won his third term as president. After bringing the country through the Great Depression and almost all of WWII, Roosevelt became one of the most popular presidents in US history. After his third term was completed, Roosevelt actually went on to win his fourth term, but died shortly afterwards. Upon his death, Congress drafted the 22nd amendment to the US Constitution, which states that a president can only serve two elected terms, for a total of 8 years.

“At the time this article was written, it was important to the structure and future of this great country,” said President Obama. “The United States had gone through tough times, and in 1947, after the death of Roosevelt, Congress decided that we needed this amendment to avoid a monarchy in this country. I am not seeking to be the King of the United States. I simply wish to try again, to run again, to continue the good work that I have done for this country.”

President Obama said that despite the changes being made to the 22nd amendment which allow him and any future president to serve unlimited terms, it does not change the fact that the office of President must be secured by vote.

“Either myself or any future man or woman who serves as President of this great country may now choose to run indefinite terms, but that does not mean that the people, whom we dutifully serve, will always vote to elect the same person,” said Obama.

The ratification was signed into order on Friday. As of the time of this writing, President Obama had not officially announced his intentions to run for a third term in 2016, but sources from within the White House say the announcement should be made soon.

Government Food Stamp Program To Be Discontinued Effective June 2015

Posted on August 8, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP), formerly known as the Food Stamp program, will come to an end June 15, 2015, according to Department of Agriculture executive Thomas J. Vilsack.

“SNAP benefits cost $76.4 billion in fiscal year 2013. A large portion of which went to abusers of the program. In an attempt to save the program for those who truly need it, we reduced the amount per household paid out in 2014. That did not do us much good, either,” said Vilsack in a brief press conference on Friday morning.

The $76 billion dollars spent on SNAP supplied about 47.6 million Americans assistance, for an average of $133 per month, half of which Vilsack says actually needed it.

“A great portion of those 47 million people who received SNAP benefits have jobs that fly in under the radar, they get paid cash under the table, and obviously do not pay taxes. They are abusing the program,” said Vilsack. “This has painted us into a corner, we knew it was going on, we just didn’t realize the dramatic extent of abuse. We feel absolutely defeated. Now the families who need it and deserve it will go without. That is a tragedy. However the money is gone, the White House will not supply us further assistance. If you want to eat, you’ll have to go to work.”

The announcement has infuriated those who depend on assistance, such as Mary Parker of Washington, D.C., who was nearly brought to tears when asked her opinion. “It’s a damn shame our government can’t step up for us and pay for our food. I got five children that depend on it. I don’t know what I’m gonna do now. I guess I’ll actually have to get a job.”

There are also those who agree with the decision, like Jim Conrad of Jersey City, New Jersey. “It’s about time. People like me work their entire lives, pay taxes, and even when we could have used help, we never asked for help, we learned how to take care of our own, on our own. You got people illegally moving into the country, working under the table, taking over the construction trade, they get paid cash and they get food stamps? It has to stop. It is about damn time we stop letting people, especially foreign and lazy people, abuse the system. Make them fend for themselves!”

President Obama, who worked with the Department of Agriculture in shutting down the program, said that the time has come for Americans to make their own way, and that the current system was obviously too broken to repair.

“It’s unclear how we can help families in need in the future because of those people who abused the current SNAP program,” said President Obama. “Sadly, we can’t do anything further for the actual needy at the moment. We simply asked that people be honest out of American pride, and our people have failed us. It is, to say the least, very disheartening.”

Officials for the Department of Agriculture had no further comment.

Woman Arrested For Breastfeeding At Wal-Mart

Posted on August 7, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LYNCHBURG, Virginia –

A mother who was breastfeeding her newborn daughter in a Lynchburg Wal-Mart was arrested on Wednesday evening after a store employee called the police for what they said was ‘lewd behavior.’ Mary Lambert, whose daughter, Kathy, is 5 months old, was shopping in her local Wal-Mart store when her baby began ‘fussing,’ and needed to be fed.

“I knew as soon as she started squirming that it was dinnertime,” said Lambert. “I was in a relatively secluded part of the back of the store, near the Lawn & Garden section, and I began to feed Kathy. She only needed a minute or two, then she was done, and I went along my way. I didn’t even know anyone had seen me.”

According to police reports, no one had seen her, at least not from within the aisles. A security guard, Aaron Silver, was monitoring the activities throughout the store from within the location’s security room, saw Lambert feeding and immediately called the police.

“She was basically getting naked in public. I could almost seen her nipple for a second. It’s disgusting,” said Silver. “I called the police because I wanted to have her removed from the store for her behavior.”

By the time police arrived at the store, Lambert had already finished her purchases and left. Tracing credit card receipts, they were able to determine her name, and from there they tracked Lambert to her home in downtown Lynchburg.

“I couldn’t believe when they showed up at my door,” said Lambert. “They handcuffed me and they took my baby into custody for the night, because her Dad was working a swing shift and wasn’t home. All the neighbors saw me getting put into the police car. It was the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to me in my life.”

Lambert now has a misdemeanor charge on her record for public indecency, the first time in the state’s history that they’ve prosecuted a mother for breastfeeding her baby.

“Normally, we let things like this slide,” said state District Attorney Felisia Lewis. “We have laws that protect mothers from prosecution for situations exactly like this. We all have nipples, and it shouldn’t be a big deal. But in some cases, one rotten apple can spoil the bunch, as it were, and this security guard was offended enough that he personally pressed charges against Mrs. Lambert.”

“I have every right to be completely offended. As a God-fearing person, I don’t think it’s right that anyone, man or woman, expose themselves in public for any reason. It’s just disgusting,” said Silver.

Kim Kardashian Sues Owner of Roadside Diner Over ‘Fatback’ Sandwich

Posted on August 7, 2014 by DvanL

SANTA MONICA, California –

Sandwich shops and delis across the nation are known to name popular items after famous celebrities. It’s a trend made popular by New York’s Carnegie Deli, which boasts among other items, the “Woody Allen” – made with corned beef and pastrami, and familiar to fans of Allen’s 1984 film Broadway Danny Rose.

Many would say to be immortalized in food would be a badge of honor, but reality star and social media personality Kim Kardashian disagrees. She has taken legal steps to disassociate her name from one menu item she finds distasteful.

Kardashian filed suit against “Baggazi’s” a small Santa Monica roadside diner, over her novelty sandwich made up of “a generous portion of fatback, topped with 2 steaming poached eggs.” “Fatback” is a layer of fat and skin cut from the back of a domestic pig.

“It’s just going too far,” said a weeping Kardashian during a press conference attended by Kardashian family members including mother Kim, sisters Kourtney and Khloé, and half-sisters Kendall and Kylie Jenner, also weeping. Kardashian’s husband Kanye, who was not present, was busy preparing for an upcoming concert in Kyoto, Japan.

“I’m having trouble taking off the last few pounds of my baby weight,” Kardashian explained through sobs, “and this sandwich is mean spirited, insensitive and just not fair. I work hard at things and this isn’t something I endorse for my public image and it also invades my family’s privacy and our good name.”

Proprietor Joe Baggazi doesn’t get what the fuss is all about. “It’s a sandwich for Christ sake, like ham and eggs, just with a famous name is all,” said Baggazi from behind the counter of his small shop. “What am I supposed to do, name a skinny sandwich now after somebody skinny? The skinny people would be complaining I guess about that then.”

The attention brought by the lawsuit has been good for business, admits Baggazi. “I got lines out the door and around the corner,” he said. “If I have to change the name of the sandwich I guess I will, ‘cause I don’t have that kind of money if they sue me, but everyone’s gonna know which sandwich it is anyway, so I’ll call it the ‘You-Know-Who’ sandwich instead if I have to,” he added with a wink.

Baggazi then excused himself to tend to waiting customers who were beginning to form a long line.

Man Uses Loophole In Gay Marriage Laws To Wed German Shepherd

Posted on August 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

A Maine resident, 34-year-old Charles DeMar, has discovered a loophole in his state’s gay marriage laws that have allowed him to legally wed his 2-year-old German Shepherd mix, Jake. DeMar bought Jake from a shelter a little over a year ago, and he says that they have been inseparable ever since.

“I love Jake more than I have ever loved anyone in the world,” said DeMar, a retail manager for a large big-box chain. “I’m not homosexual, myself. I’ve never really been attracted to any man or woman that I’ve known. When I adopted Jake, I was lonely. I haven’t been lonely since.”

According to the wording of laws in most states where gay marriage has been legalized, a man or woman may marry someone of the same sex, and be granted the same rights and privileges as that of heterosexual couples. The laws in Maine, which voted to legalize same-sex marriages in 2012, are worded slightly differently, allowing DeMar to legally wed his canine pal.

“In Maine, we made the mistake of saying that any male can marry another male, or female can marry female, and be granted the rights of marriage,” said David Klein, a representative for the Maine State Bar Association. “Because it does not say man and man, but rather male and male, Mr. DeMar was able to apply for and receive his marriage license at his local town hall.”

Normally, laws would also be worded to include statements about both parties being mentally fit and able to sign the marriage certificate, which is a legally binding document.

“That wasn’t the case in Maine, either,” said DeMar. “I really looked into a lot before we went through with this. I signed my name, and Jake really did put his paw into some ink and I had him step on the certificate. I think he knows that we’re married. He gave me sloppy kisses right there at the town hall in front of the notary public.”

Officials for the Maine State Attorney General say that they are working with the local and state government agencies to re-word the law as quickly as possible, before anyone else uses the loophole to wed their pets.

“This was an oversight on our part that is bringing us disturbing attention,” said Klein. “You can bet that the laws will be rescinded and changed as quickly as possible.”

“I’m just so happy that I was able to make this happen,” said DeMar. “Unfortunately, Maine state law is extremely strict on the acts of bestiality, so I refuse to elaborate on whether or not we have consummated our relationship. I will say, though, that neither myself or Jake have ever been ones to ‘follow the rules,’ if you know what I mean.”

President Obama Launches ‘Gas For Guns’ Exchange Program; Announcement Strikes Controversy

Posted on August 6, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

White House press secretary Josh Earnest announced this morning that President Obama will be launching a campaign similar to gun-buyback events of the past. The program, named ‘Gas For Guns,’ offers gun owners the opportunity to exchange their weapons, with or without legal documentation, for a $500 gas card.

“A date has not been set but it will more than likely take place in early January, just after the holidays, when American families need a little more assistance with living expenses than normal. The event will last two weeks. It will be a really good avenue to help those in need while at the same time getting dangerous weapons off the streets,” said Earnest.

The exchange program, part of a master plan by President Obama to get rid of guns in the U.S., will give gun owners the opportunity to go to local police stations, firehouses, and in some cities “mobile exchange units” to bring in their weapons. Volunteer gun experts will be on-hand to appraise the firearms, although the gas cards will be valued at $500 regardless of make, model, style, or appraised value of the firearm. Even guns without proper documentation can be turned in.

“No questions will be asked, but we ask those that do have legal documentation to please bring it with your firearm. Those that do not will only be asked for their drivers licenses’ or state identification cards, which will then be copied. This process is simply for keeping track of the gift cards that are exchanged. The participant will then be given the $500 gas gift card, regardless of the appraised value, to be used at a local participating gas company. What is important is that we get guns off the streets and help those in need at the same time,” Earnest announced.

Guns which are handed over will be taken to a licensed gun manufacturing facility, which will be paid an undisclosed amount by the government per weapon, and will be disassembled and discarded accordingly under ATF supervision while being fully monitored. Officials have said that many of the weapons, especially those with little to no value or that are in non-working order, will be melted down for their metals.

As gun control is a very controversial issue, announcement of the program has divided opposition even further. Gun advocate and Washington D.C. native Tom Gillispie told reporters after catching wind of the announcement, “This is absolutely ridiculous, they want just anybody to walk , pull out a gun, then trade it in for a $500 gas card? No matter if the gun is worth $50 or not? So a criminal with bad intentions can bring in a gun worth $100, get a $500 gas card, then trade the gas card for $450 cash then go buy an even more dangerous gun? This is the asinine apocalypse. This is exactly why our country is in a downward spiral. We will go further into debt and the bad guys will still have guns in the end, while those needing guns for protection will not. This is absurd. It is times like this I am embarrassed to be an American.”

Tourist Mary Carcepizzi, from Trenton, New Jersey had quite a different take on the matter. “I think it is an excellent idea. That $500 may save a life in the future, and I am absolutely positive that will be the case for several of the guns turned in. They will be destroyed, as all guns should be, and for each one destroyed, that is one less unnecessary weapon we will have to worry about falling into the wrong hands. Obama is making the right call and I stand behind the program 100%.”

The official starting date and a list of participating gas companies and other details will be announced in late December.

Jesse Ventura Talks Presidential Run in 2016

Posted on August 5, 2014 by mattwardcomedy

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Former professional wrestling superstar and Governor of Minnesota Jesse Ventura (James George Janos) recently tweeted about his supporters calling for him to run for President of the United States in 2016.

“I hear you guys and I am overwhelmed with the support. Maybe it’s time to take Washington down a peg or two,” said the tweet from @GovJVentura on July 26th.

This message to his fans was retweeted 900 times and favorited 1600 times. Supporters like @LoftusRaider replied to Jesse showing their support.

“That’s right Jesse, you could really ‘bodyslam’ those goons in Washington with your policies!” said Raider.

Twitter user @jtfalcon804 had similiar thoughts in his reply. “If more people in America were like @GovJVentura, not afraid to say what needs to be said, we’d be living in a much better country”.

A group of fans started jesseventura2016.com to encourage the former Governor to rise to the call of running for president, praising him for his leadership style. The web site states “If ‘We The People’ want real change, we are going to have to do something radical, like nominate Jesse Ventura for President in 2016.’

Despite having a massive amount of support from wrestling, political, and media fans, there are some people who think he is too brash and far out to make a good President.

In late July, Ventura won a lawsuit against slain Navy SEAL sniper Chris Kyle’s widow, Taya Kyle. The suit stated that before Kyle’s death, he had fabricated a story about punching the former Governor for comments he made when the two happened to be in the same bar on an evening in 2006. Ventura claimed that the entire altercation never happened, and walked away from court with an undisclosed settlement from the now deceased sniper’s estate.

In the wake of this controversy, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin spoke out against Ventura publicly on Twitter. Ventura tweeted out a series of retalitatory responses related to Palin’s comments, which he later deleted but did not issue an apologize for.

“Do you think I care at all about what @SarahPalinUSA has to say? Why are people still paying any attention to her?” said Ventura via Twitter. “[She] is the Honey Boo-Boo of politicians.”

Palin’s Twitter followers began attacking Ventura, eventually leading to him delete the tweets, but making no comment about them. Ventura had recently launched his show “Off the Grid” on the Ora TV Network, which he was in the middle of promoting on his twitter account, likely prompting him to delete the tweets about Palin.

Jesse Ventura has been outspoken about his distaste for the rich running the country and the greed in Washington being the primary element bringing down our country. He continues to flirt with the idea of running for President, but political experts have been doubtful.

“This isn’t the movie Idiocracy,” stated John Greer, Professor of Public Policy and Education at Vanderbilt University. “The only thing Jesse is going to put a choke hold on is legitimate third-party candidates vying for their parties’ nomination. Hulk Hogan would have a better chance of winning the election.”

When directly asked if he planned on running for president, Ventura was positive about the idea.

“You don’t have to be some fat cat in Washington with Pfizer in your pocket to be the President. However, I don’t know if I am ready to take on the burden of trying to fix a broken system. I am going to announce my final decision on the season finale to “Off the Grid,” so everyone will have to just tune in.”

New Texas Law Makes Homosexuality Illegal

Posted on August 4, 2014 by JP

HOUSTON, Texas –

Shocking news coming out of Texas today after a law has been passed making it illegal to be a homosexual throughout the state. The law was passed on Friday and took effect Monday morning.

The law first began to form after a local Houston police officer saw his 7-year-old son kiss a fellow male friend on the mouth while playing in their backyard. When asked why he kissed the other boy he replied, that he had “seen it on TV.”

“I certainly punished him after I saw that,” said the officer, who wishes to remain anonymous. “No more TV, and you can bet your ass he got the belt. I’ll smack the gay right outta that boy.”

Outraged by the event in his backyard, the officer took to the court rooms knocking down door-after-door until eventually getting into the right ears and helping to get the law passed.

“Homosexuality is an outrage,” said the officer. “Television gets into our the heads of our children, and it isn’t fair. I had to make sure that I stopped it in its tracks. I don’t blame TV, I blame this country and its flagrant homosexuality. Everywhere you look there are gays touching and kissing and holding hands. Rather than educating my son or letting him be who he wants to be, I had to make the hard decision and make sure he turns out straight. Either he does, or he’ll end up behind bars.”

Many establishments, such as The Rusty Hammer and The Texas Wiener, two of Dallas’ biggest gay bars, are also being forced to have a change of theme, or the state will be looking at shutting them down.

Representatives from the state government have yet to comment publicly on the new law, but they do claim that it was something many Texans had been hoping would happen for ages.

“It’s about time these homos were stopped from being able to touch each other,” said Milton Charles, a resident of Austin. “We don’t need the gays out there, threatening our way of life, and teaching our children it’s okay to be gay. Sodomy is disgusting. I can’t imagine how anyone would want that.”

After being informed that the definition of sodomy actually included any form of “unnatural,” sex, and that technically that would also include any oral sex he received from his wife, he commented further on what he says is “truly disturbing” sexual acts.

“Well clearly I meant the gay-sodomoy when I said that,” said Charles. “What I do in the privacy of my house ain’t nobody’s business. But the gays, they shouldn’t be doing that s—.”

Several men have been arrested since the law was enacted this morning, but so far no women have been brought in on charges.

Office ‘Pencil Pusher’ Fired After Stabbing Co-Worker With Pencil

Posted on August 4, 2014 by DvanL

DAYTON, Ohio –

Rocco Faber, a 30-year employee of Drake Business Systems, redefined the conventional image of the mild-mannered office drone, after injuring co-worker Flip McKenzie during a spontaneous attack last week.

“He created tension for me at my expense,” said Faber. “So I stabbed him in the neck.” Faber, speaking from a suburban Dayton anger management facility continued, “I could hear him on the other side of my cube, drumming his fingers on the table, and he chewed with his mouth open, and he made too many personal calls and I could hear them. So I stabbed him in the neck.”

Increasingly common occurrences of workplace violence have dominated headlines, reflecting one of the bleaker elements of America’s present-day employment landscape. The usual scenario includes an employee’s termination, issues of underlying anger, and the use of a weapon – usually and most violently, a firearm.

“I’m against guns and won’t have any in my house or anywhere near me,” said Faber, “but I got so angry that day and I did use my pencil as a weapon. It was a bad mistake and I wish I could erase it, but I can’t. It’s a permanent blot on my record.”

Office manager Helen Brown was stunned upon hearing of the unexpected behavior from one of the company’s most consistent employees. “He’s been here longer than I have,” commented Brown. “I remember him when I first started. I sat across from him and he was quiet. I moved up the ladder pretty quickly, and I didn’t get to know him too well. Some of the old-timers over in HR were pretty upset.”

In exchange for prison time, a deal was negotiated between prosecutors and Faber’s victim. “At the end of the day I wasn’t really hurt that bad.” said McKenzie. “It was more of a scuffle, so I didn’t press charges, you know? I mean the pencil was pretty dull and it just left a little mark right here on the side of my neck. He really didn’t have a strong grip.”

Faber will participate in group therapy sessions, where proper coping mechanisms are stressed. Anger management techniques are demonstrated by role-playing, with constructive criticism making up a large part of treatment.

“They were going to offer me some job training,” Faber said, “but I kept telling them I already have a career, so I asked them if I could continue doing it. They gave me a job here as the accountant for the group home, and so far, so good. I manage all the expenses and budgets, so it keeps me busy and not thinking about stabbing anyone in the neck. I’m just lucky. One of the guys here makes a lot of jokes, and he said that they gave me another stab at it. That was a pretty good one and everybody in the room laughed. He’s a pretty good guy,” said Faber, “but sometimes he tells too many jokes when we’re trying get work done. We all have a good time though. My favorite part is when we get to do the role playing, when we get to act out.”