Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann To Support Each Other For Republican Nomination in 2016

Posted on August 3, 2014 by johnzakour

ST. PAUL, Minnesota –

In a surprise combined press conference Michele Bachmann (Rep. Minnesota) and Sarah Palin (ex-governor, ex-reality show star, ex-fox news correspondent, current star of the SarahPalin network) announced that they would be supporting each other for the republican presidential nomination in 2016.

“With 2016 being only two or maybe three years away, it’s time to announce our candidacy,” Bachmann announced to the crowd of nearly 50 eager supporters.

“We need to put the United States back on the path of rightness,” Palin said. “We need to stop this influx of immigrants. Everybody knows our great country wasn’t built on immigration!”

When questioned on how they could both support each other when in the end there can be only one nominee for president, the two ladies surprisingly had an answer.

“Whichever one of us gets the nomination for president will choose the other one for their running mate,” Bachmann said.

“Yes,” Palin agreed. “This way our country gets not only its first female president, but also our first female vice president. It’s like killing two moose with one shot.” Palin also noted that she has experience as a losing VP candidate, which she will be sure to pass on to Michele.

The two women both agreed that either of them would be a far superior president than Democratic front-runner Hillary Clinton.

“How does being Secretary of State even remotely make you qualified to be leader of this great country?” Palin asked. “My SarahPalin network, which costs a very reasonable $9.95 a month, has greatly prepared me to be President. After all, the president needs to know about the Internet and stuff and I know stuff,” Palin noted.

Bachmann practically snickered at the thought of an ex-Secretary of State becoming president, commenting that she didn’t even know that secretaries did anything other than take dictation.

“Secretaries are SO out of date. You would think she would at least be Administrative Assistant of state. What did she do? Bring coffee to the males of state?” Bachmann smiled proudly when she added, “I have my husband to bring me coffee.”

Man Uses Crowd Funding Website To Get ‘Ransom’ For Cat

Posted on August 2, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BROOKLYN, New York –

An unknown man has created a Kickstarter page where he claims he is holding a stray cat for ransom. The anonymous page went up to the Kickstarter website, which has its offices in Brooklyn, New York, on Thursday morning, with the goal of “I Won’t Kill This F—— Cat.”

The Kickstarter page features a man, his face blurred out, holding a gun to the head of a cat. The anonymous man has posted that if he doesn’t hit his goal of $60,000, then he is going to shoot the cat in the face and post a video of it online.

“There are no perks with this Kickstarter,” the page says. “You send me money. I don’t care if it’s a dollar or a thousand dollars. You’ll all get the same perk – and that perk is saving the life of this cat. If I don’t hit my goal, then I’m going to shoot this cat, film it, and post it online. Then everyone who saw this post, or heard about it, and didn’t donate any money, can know they had a hand it murdering an animal.”

According to Kickstarter, they are keeping the page up while they work with members of the FBI to track down the individual who posted the page. At this time, they are not sure if the page is a legitimate threat towards the animal, or if it is someone trying to capitalize on the fact that no one wants to see an innocent animal harmed, and may be willing to fork over their own money to make sure it doesn’t happen.

“It’s entirely possible it’s all a joke, and he’d never hurt the animal. He may just want to score easy money,” says Aaron Silver, lead investigator for the FBI’s Animal Crimes and Abuse unit. “At this time, though, we are treating it as if he is being serious, and working hard to track down the poster.”

Representatives for Kickstarter could not be reached for comment, but a person at their offices ask that all inquiries about the anonymous account or the page itself be directed to the FBI as they investigate.

“Kickstarter has been used for some good things,” said Silver. “We’ve seen great technology and even great movies get made with crowd funding. Granted, we’ve also seen a man collect almost $50,000 to make potato salad, but in the end this sort of ‘come-together-with money’ attitude can be great. Unfortunately, it can also be used by sickos who are preying on the internet population, hoping for an easy payday, notoriety, or both.”

At the time of this writing, the Kickstarter page had only managed to earn $27.

Serial Prison Escapee Diagnosed With Restless Leg Syndrome; Lawyer Asks For Leniency

Posted on August 1, 2014 by DvanL

BAYPORT, Minnesota –

Four-time prison escapee Robert Tuck, nicknamed “Hoppin’ Rob,” was diagnosed by prison doctors with Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) after a fifth prison escape attempt proved futile.

Currently housed at the Minnesota Correctional Facility in Stillwater, Tuck was captured near the main entrance by prison guards, who observed suspicious movements exhibited by the inmate near the facility’s main security fence.

“He was jumping up and down by the main gate,” said Alan Trimble, Director of Security at Stillwater. “At first I thought he was having a kind of seizure or throwing a fit, so I called the prison doctor right away to come take a look at him.”

“It was during our outdoor exercise period and I thought I could get away with it just this once more,” remarked Tuck from the prison infirmary. “I had the opportunity so I thought I’d go for it, but now they got me all chained up here to a bed, even though the doc says it’s not good for me with the condition they told me I have.”

As it turned out, prison medical staff discovered Tuck was suffering from more than just a compulsion to escape confinement; he was diagnosed with RLS, a condition the National Institutes of Health describes as “a nervous system disorder marked by unpleasant sensations affecting the legs.” Symptoms of RLS include spontaneous leg movements, occasional cramping and a constant urge to get up and move around.

“I always thought it was maybe something medical,” said Tuck, “because ever since I was a kid, what I did was to steal things and run away a lot, which is got me in trouble in the first place.”

Tuck’s attorney, Charles Burbridge, is currently examining whether a defense of “RLS Impairment Disorder” can be mounted, with the hope that Tuck, currently serving 5 – 7 years for burglary, would be eligible to receive a reduced sentence and possible transfer to a supervised medical facility.

“If my client could be treated fairly and like a free-range inmate,” explained Burbridge, “he would be able to walk the yard a few more hours a day as part of his therapy. I believe this will reduce his impulse to escape, and make him a better person in the long run.”

For the time being, Tuck remains confined to his infirmary bed and is reportedly in good spirits. “I have high hopes,” said Tuck, while giving the “thumbs up” gesture despite his handcuffs.

Tennessee Woman Sues Her Husband For Getting Her Pregnant

Posted on July 31, 2014 by JP

JACKSON, Tennessee –

A trial is set for a new lawsuit filed last week after a wife decided to sue her husband of 15 years after he got her pregnant. Tracy Smith, a resident of Jackson, is taking her husband Carl to court after he accidentally got her pregnant. The case is not about rape, but rather an alleged action of ‘personal neglect,’ after Smith’s husband promised not to get her pregnant.

“He told me he wouldn’t get me pregnant, but here we are and I’m pissed,” said Smith. “I love the man to death, but this is serious neglect on his part, and he will pay for what he has done to me!”

The lawsuit was filed on Tuesday, but Smith’s husband and his lawyer don’t think that the judge will take this case too seriously.

“This is a very strange case, and to be honest my client shouldn’t be fined or charged for something some people would kill for,” said Harvey Feinstein, the defendant’s lawyer. “It takes at least two people to perform intercourse, and each party should be responsible for their safety and well-being. If Mrs. Smith didn’t want to get pregnant, there were many ways that she could have taken her own precautions against it. Relying solely on her husband to wear a condom or to pull-out is just ridiculous.”

Attorneys for both sides are set to make their opening arguments to the judge on August 5th. Mrs. Smith is seeking damages in the amount of $25,000, and if she wins her case, the money cannot come from their joint account.

Carl Smith has denied to comment on what he calls ‘the stupidest thing that’s happened to him since he got married in the first place.’

Vice President Joe Biden Spotted Wandering Drunk Through D.C. Suburbs

Posted on July 28, 2014 by A.R.

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Vice President Joe Biden was spotted visibly drunk in several places over the weekend, with several people even getting pictures or videos of his antics, posting them to Instagram and Facebook. One such image even shows Biden urinating on a McDonalds’ storefront in Silver Spring, Maryland.

Mychal Lewis, Assistant Manager of the McDonalds, explains that the VP was acting belligerent before leaving and eventually disgracing the restaurant.

“He demanded a Whopper. He was slurring his words pretty heavy and kept saying something like ‘I’m the goddamn Vice President.'” said Lewis. “I tried telling him he was in the wrong place and there’s a Burger King just a couple blocks down, but he wouldn’t listen. Finally he left and I turned to go back to the kitchen. I hear a knock at the window and there he is again, this time with his pants around his ankles, pissing on the wall outside. He was staring at me and smiling the whole time. It was terrible.”

Later that same evening, Biden was videotaped in Bethesda attempting to start a fight with a homeless man. In the video, Biden can be heard declaring himself the “Secretary of Kickin’ Ass” before slapping the vagrant in the back of the head. The two exchange a series of awkward punches before Biden toppled over and the homeless man shuffled away.

The next morning in Arlington, Virginia, the owner of a house that is painted white was alarmed when Biden stumbled in through the back door. The home owner threatened to call the police, but the Vice President talked him out of it. They shared a pot of coffee and Biden left amicably. Apparently, Biden thought he was entering the White House.

“It wasn’t just that it was white. The columns threw him off,” said the home owner, who wished to remain anonymous because he is a ‘die-hard republican.’

The Vice President frequently referred to himself in the third person as “Ol’ Joe” when discussing his drunken adventure.

“Yeah, Ol’ Joe got a little frisky last night. Does that make me a bad person? Can’t a guy have some fun? So I got a little carried away. We were all having fun. It ain’t easy being Ol’ Joe. Barry’s always trying to put me in a box. Please don’t say this, please don’t do that. Well, sometimes Ol’ Joe just got to be Ol’ Joe.”

Political analysts believe that rather than try to prevent future gaffes from Biden, the current administration will instead encourage more raucous behavior from the VP in an attempt to distract from the VA scandal, a perceived-to-be tepid foreign policy, and any future controversy.

Seth Rogen, James Franco Taken Into Protective Custody Following Threats From North Korea Over New Movie

Posted on July 24, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

FORT MEADE, Maryland –

Actors Seth Rogen and James Franco have been taken into protective custody by the NSA following a second formal letter from North Korea Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un was sent to the White House regarding the upcoming Hollywood film The Interview. The action comedy portrays a fictional attempt by the CIA to assassinate Kim Jong-un, and stars Rogen and James Franco as a hapless TV film crew given the task to kill the leader.

North Korea has lodged the letter, which is the second thus far, to formally complain about the film. In the letter, officials from the National Defense Commission stated that the plot insults and undermines the leadership of Kim Jong-un and that they insist the film be prohibited from release by President Obama. Several threats were made in the first and second letters, and even resorted to racial slurs aimed at The President, along with threats of “retaliation” if the movie is released.

It remains unclear the exact reasons Rogen and Franco were taken into custody, but White House Press Secretary John Earnest briefly addressed what was originally thought to only be a rumor as true.

“I can confirm that Seth Rogen and James Franco were taken into custody as a result of the latest threats coming out of North Korea as a safety precaution, that is all that can be said about the matter at this time,” said Earnest. When asked if the movie, which is slated to be released October 10th, would still see the light of day he stated “I cannot comment on the dealings with the film studio at this time. I can say it is a particularly delicate situation, and all measures are being taken to protect all involved and resolve the issue in the appropriate fashion.”

Columbia Pictures, who is set to distribute the film, has not given any further information on the release, only saying that “As of now, The Interview is still set to be released in theaters across the United States October 10th. Obviously things are being worked out, what that entails is unknown at this time,” said Columbia Executive Amy Pascal.

George W. Bush Arrested for Cocaine Possession

Posted on July 24, 2014 by JP

DALLAS, Texas –

One of the most notorious Presidents in history of The United States of America is back in the spotlight, but not because of his politics. George W. Bush was arrested in a Dallas suburb late Tuesday evening after a routine traffic stop uncovered over an ounce of cocaine in his glove compartment.

Dallas police say they pulled over Bush after he made a right turn without signaling. Officers report they were surprised when seeing it was the ex-president, but felt something was off about his behavior. They say Bush seemed under the influence of a narcotic, and the officers on-scene asked to search the car. Curiously, Bush consented, and police found the narcotics.

“We pulled over the truck and were about to write a simple traffic ticket and things escalated fast,” said officer Charles Cane, a veteran officer with the Dallas Police Department. “At first my partner and I were stunned with who was in the truck ,and [Bush] began to crack jokes and asked if we wanted to take a picture with him. I noticed he was sniffling quite a bit and the glaze on his eyes screamed that the was under the influence.”

Cane said that once the officers uncovered the cocaine, Bush tried to bribe them to keep from getting arrested. When that failed, he turned to threats and rambling, reportedly saying that he would ‘get the FBI to kick their a–‘ and that ‘Presidents can break any laws they want.’

“I broke so many laws when I was in office, and I didn’t see you coming to try to arrest me then!” Bush shouted at police officers. “I’ve been doing coke for decades! I used to blow lines out of a Skull & Bones in New Haven tittie bars when you were making nice in your diapers, kid. You just want your name in the papers next to mine.”

“It was a tough arrest to make, but I didn’t become a police officer to make easy decisions. He begged me over and over to let it slide, then he offered me money, then he called me an ass—-, but that is the way the law goes. We don’t offer special treatment to anyone in Dallas. I don’t care who you are.”

Representatives for Bush have yet to comment, but bail was set at $5,000 and posted immediately. Bush spent less than 6 hours in a holding cell before being released.

Body Found Under Motel Bed, Police Say It Has Been There At Least 5 Years

Posted on July 24, 2014 by JP

MOUNT LAUREL, New Jersey –

Stunning news this morning out of New Jersey, as reports of police discovering the body of a young woman under a motel bed have been confirmed. The owners of the motel asked that their name and location be omitted from news reports to protect their business.

The body, which has yet to be identified, was found by a person staying in the room.

“I dropped the television remote, and when I went to check under the bed I found her. It was like something out of a scary movie,” said Aaron Silver, the man staying in the room.

According to initial reports by the medical examiner on-scene, it appears as though the body lay undisturbed in the room for about 5 years. There was a normal amount of rot and decay on the body to suggest that it had not been moved or touched over the course of that time.

The motel has not made a comment about the issue but have told police that they are constantly cleaning their rooms and have no idea how this could have slipped beneath the cracks.

“I clean that room every day. I noticed a smell several times, and told my manager,” said Anita Rodriguez, a housekeeper at the motel. “He told me to just use extra Febreeze in the room and it would go away eventually. I always hated cleaning that room.”

Motel representatives say that all their rooms are cleaned daily, but that it is not the policy of the company to make their housekeepers check under the beds.

“They do a heavy clean of the rooms to sanitize for guests, but when it comes to under the beds, they just run the vacuum around the edges. Who really looks under the bed, anyway? No reason to waste anyone’s time,” said Charles Dyson, a representative of the motel chain.

“It’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “I’ve seen a lot of strange things in my time on the force, but to think about all the people who’ve stayed in this room, with a dead body beneath them, and they didn’t know about it? It gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

Police have seized room and occupant records for the last several years, and are trying to trace the person or persons who may have stayed in the room around the time of death.

“Funny thing is, the records also show literally almost 1,000 complaints from people who stayed in the room over the years. Everything from a bad smell to an ‘eerie feeling.’ Several people even asked to switch rooms in the middle of the night,” said Goldsmith. “The motel really should have checked out that room a little more closely.”

The body of the young woman is set for autopsy at the end of the week.

‘Sexy Felon’ Jeremy Meeks Murdered Within Hours of Release, Police Question Wife As Suspect

Posted on July 18, 2014 by Angela Baker

STOCKTON, California –

Within hours of his release from prison Tuesday morning, internet sensation and ‘sexy felon’ Jeremy Meeks was found dead, according to Stockton Police reports.

Police say that they received a call around 1AM Wednesday morning from an anonymous source who said they thought they saw a body in an alleyway in Stockton. When they arrived on the scene, police found Meeks barely alive, suffering from multiple contusions and stab wounds. Meeks was rushed to a local Stockton hospital, where he was later pronounced dead.

Investigators are saying that Meeks was picked up by his mother after posting bail and leaving the prison on Tuesday, and the two returned to her home, where Meeks’ wife Lashanda was waiting. The couple reportedly had been having issues prior to Meeks’ arrest, and a fight erupted soon after he arrived home. So far, police have no further information on how Meeks’ ended up so severely wounded several blocks from his mother’s house, but they believe that he may have been stabbed and left for dead. An autopsy is scheduled for next week.

Detectives interviewed Meeks’ mother at her home, and wife Lashanda was taken in for continued questioning. Officers allege that either Lashanda or someone she knows or hired may have been responsible for Meeks’ death. Police Chief Tom Morris said investigators found a knife and several pieces of bloody clothing at the scene, but do not have any further information. A DNA test on the evidence could be back as soon as August.

“The investigation is ongoing,” said Morris. “At this time, we are investigating all possible suspects. We would appreciate anyone with any information coming forward and contacting us or their local branch of the FBI.”

President Obama to Star in Hollywood Feature Film

Posted on July 18, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

While his second presidential term is approaching an end, his career in the spotlight is certainly not, as it has been announced by Lionsgate Films that Barack Obama will star in their long-anticipated sequel to Eddie Murphy’s 1988 hit comedy, Coming to America.

The title of the film, slated for a 2018 release, is Coming to Zamunda, in which the character, President Obama as himself, travels to Zamunda, the fictional African home country of Murphy’s Crown Prince Akeem Joffer.

The comedy will take place after first lady Michelle Obama is accidentally killed by a stray bullet on a visit overseas. It will feature a widower Obama traveling to Africa—without the secret service—in the hopes of becoming more independent and finding a new bride who “arouses his mind as well as his loins” among his ancestral people in the infectious disease tents.

“The movie is bound to be just a gas,” wrote Obama’s publicist, “The sheer originality of reversing the hilarious fish-out-of-water story from the first film, combined with the president’s own personal experience as a boy of privilege and education working in the slums of Chicago? It’s a perfect match.”

A statement released by Lionsgate stated that Murphy, alongside Coming to America co-stars Arsenio Hall and James Earl Jones will make cameo appearances, and John Landis will return to direct the sequel.

When asked at a recent press conference if he really believed it would be plausible for a former U.S. president to start a film acting career after leaving office, Obama said, “Yes we CAN.”