‘Russianized’ Bees Trained To Attack Ukraine For Russian Military

Posted on October 14, 2014 by DvanL

MOSCOW, Russia –

A Russian whistleblower has spilled the beans on another planned invasion of Ukraine by Russian forces, this time aided by a specially trained and bred species of attack bees.

The ‘Russianized’ bees were housed and trained in what the informant described as “anger hives,” specially constructed to keep the bees constantly agitated and ready for attack.

Through a translator he said, “We interrupted the bees’ sleep and work cycles and sometimes would poke the anger hives with sticks and broom handles. At first we were not given adequate protection to keep us from getting bee stings, and one of our workers had to be hospitalized after he accidentally tipped over one of the bee boxes. I was stung only a few times, but my friend was stung many hundreds of times.”

After the February 14 Ukrainian Revolution, Russia stepped up hardline efforts to re-establish control in the troubled region. Special military forces annexed Crimea, an act that Russian President Vladimir Putin reluctantly admitted after many international inquiries for answers.

It is unclear whether the worldwide collapse of bee populations is connected with Russian bee recruitment efforts, although the unnamed informant did provide some clues as to how the bees were obtained.

“We were ordered to plant many special fields of clover and other plant and flowers that would attract the bees. These orders came directly from President Putin. We sprayed the plants with synthetic bee hormones to attract them, and then with smoke machines and nets we were able to calm and capture them for the hives.”

As for the ‘training,’ it was explained that following the bees’ capture, the anger hives were placed in a greenhouse type structure where they were exposed to bright lights 24 hours a day, with loud ‘Ukrainian style’ music played throughout the day. Teams of ‘box bangers’ were also recruited to agitate the bees. The box bangers would rhythmically hit the hives with sticks at pre-determined times during the day at pre-set intervals timed to coincide with specific musical passages. It was believed that this schedule provided a command structure for the bees, thus making them easier to attack when triggered by the replay of the musical selection.

Russian authorities have denied the story. A spokesman for the Russian military said the charges come from “the delusions of an ex-member of our forces who received what you would call a dishonorable discharge. These absolutely ridiculous rumors came from an individual labeled a misfit. He could not withstand the rigors and discipline of military training.”

At present, it is unclear if bee recruitment and training did progress to the level explained by the informant, as no physical evidence can be found of either the fields used to attract the bees, or the anger hive structures.

“That is not surprising,” said the informant. “Why would they admit such a thing? I saw it with my own eyes and have several bee-stings to prove what I saw is true. Someday the world will know that I am not a crazy person and that I speak the truth,” he added.

Jenny McCarthy Preaches New ‘Goating’ Fad, Says To Eat Candy While Still In The Wrapper

Posted on October 13, 2014 by Chip

LOS ANGELES, California –

Over the last 7 years, Jenny McCarthy has been able to convince millions of parents to stop vaccinating their children, almost single handedly creating the movement known to the media as anti-vaxxing. Now, McCarthy is working to convince parents that the only way for children to safely consume candy is while it’s still in the wrapper.

A public service announcement released by McCarthy early Monday morning detailed the supposed health benefits of ‘Goating’, or eating still-wrapped candy, and the increased risk of autism in children who eat chocolate and other candies that have been removed from its original wrapper.

McCarthy tells her 700,000 plus Facebook followers that years of research has gone into the theory, and that ‘Goating’ will provide your body with an extra layer of protection from the harmful GMO’s and chemicals found in candy. She said the idea came to her when the family dog got into a bag of fun-sized Milky Way candy bars.

“I knew I was on to something, because chocolate kills dogs normally, but Muffy was fine, just some diarrhea. If eating fully wrapped candy bars can prevent my dog from overdosing on chocolate, it can certainly prevent any child from contracting autism.”

Several respected authorities in the medical community have spoken out against Goating, and are warning the public that the practice of eating fully-wrapped candy carries a far greater health risk than just eating the candy bars normally. Experts are saying that in addition to the obvious choking concerns, the human digestive system is not designed to break down plastic wrappers.

McCarthy has said that she is releasing a book about her studies on ‘Goating’, to be released on October 21^st. The book will be titled Goating: Now that’s a Wrap, and will be released just in time for Halloween, when candy eating is at a yearly high for children and adults alike.

Wall, Ceiling Tiles Can Be ‘Scanned’ To Hear Past Conversations

Posted on October 12, 2014 by DvanL

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

Thanks to revolutionary 4D technology developed by Prof. Marlene Cavanaugh at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, there are no longer any secrets.

Cavanaugh, Professor of Optical Sciences at MIT, uses a combination of electron microscopes and good old-fashioned catalog research to examine infinitesimal changes in fiber patterns within acoustic wall and ceiling tiles. Her teams microscopically examine and compare new tiles against used tiles. Depending upon the age, the depth of information revealed can reach back years, and in some cases, decades.

“’Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another,’” said Cavanaugh, quoting Albert Einstein. “That’s where we started. I got the idea when my lab was being remodeled. There was a period of time when the tiles were being replaced, and when the old ones were taken out, I could of course hear conversations that were taking place in the next lab before the new ones were put in. I wondered if the tiles could have absorbed some sort of energy, and if that energy could be tracked.”

Cavanaugh selected a team of students to research building records to find the lot numbers and factories that produced the building’s acoustic tiles. When a match was found, unused tiles were shipped to her lab at MIT and electronically scanned. Used tiles were also scanned and microscopic differences were revealed and converted into sound wave patters developed at one of MIT’s audio labs.

“The process is crude at this point, but we’re making progress,” she said. “Right now we have snippets of conversations, but it’s difficult to preserve the actual physical tiles once they’ve been scanned.”

Were there any secrets revealed by Prof. Cavanaugh and her team of audio-visual experts? She’s not telling. “What I will say is this,” said the Professor. “In this day and age where we’re all mindful of electronic footprints we leave behind, don’t forget that speech was the first advanced form of human communication. What hasn’t changed is that it’s important to remain aware of everything we say. Unless you see your neighbor buying an electron microscope and removing tiles from your walls or ceiling, you really don’t have much to worry about.”

Austrian Scientists ‘Months Away’ From Cloning First Dinosaur

Posted on October 12, 2014 by DvanL

GRAZ, Austria –

Fresh on the heels of her discovery of a new species of flying spider, Professor Althea Thoone stunned the scientific community once again with her announcement that scientists in Austria, working in conjunction with geneticists in the United States, are “months away” from successfully cloning a dinosaur.

The discovery of pre-historic dinosaur dung in a hilly region of Austria was the first step in the long road toward the eventual cloning experiments, as Dr. Thoone explained during an international teleconference. “Once we found the dinosaur poo,” said Professor Thoone, “the question then became, ‘could we find some biological matter within that was not fossilized?’ One of my Austrian colleagues joked ‘Now we’ve put our foot in it!’ He had the lecture hall in stitches.”

Scientists in Austria were able to extract genetic information from the dung by a process very close to what oil and gas engineers in the U.S. call “fracking,” or hydraulic fracturing.

“This was a much like a ‘fracking’ operation, but on a much smaller scale,” explained Dr. Thoone. “It was a fascinating process,” she added.

A series of chemicals was injected into the fossilized dinosaur dung until a solution could be extracted and examined through a spectrometer. Once the spectrometer read the information, technicians were able to identify which dinosaur had produced the dung, and whether or not material necessary for the duplication could be obtained.

“As luck would have it,” explained Prof. Thoone, “we were able to extract enough material from the dinosaur feces to give us enough genetic material to produce a viable dinosaur clone!”

The dinosaur that left his or her droppings for scientists to enjoy roughly 193 million years ago was a Dilophosaurus from the Early Jurassic Period, a dinosaur most people will recognize as the “frilled neck” creature they saw in the Stephen Spielberg film Jurassic Park.

The scientific community is awaiting the results of the Austrian cloning experiments with the kind of anticipation not felt in decades.

“We’re all very excited,” said Prof. Thoone. “First flying spiders, and now, the reappearance of a dinosaur that roamed the earth nearly 200 million years ago! We foresee having some fascinating results to announce to the world very, very soon!”

Breed of Flying Spider Discovered in Central America

Posted on October 11, 2014 by DvanL

TOCOA, Honduras, Central America –

What’s worse – a fear of spiders, or a fear of flying? How about about a fear of flying spiders?

If you suffer from a fear of either, perhaps you may want to read this story with caution. A research team analyzing a dying breed of insect accidentally discovered what they call The tinea volanti, or for us laymen, the flying spider.

“It was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen, but also the most fascinating,” said Prof. Althea Thoone, head researcher for The Smithsonian Institution’s Extinction Project. “We were in Honduras investigating the disappearance of Monarch butterflies,” explained Thoone, “when all of a sudden one of my researchers called me over to examine a spider variety she was unfamiliar with. I climbed over to where she was. We were on the side of a mountain. It was truly fascinating and amazing,” she explained.

The professor examined the spider and could not determine which variety of arachnid it was. As she went in for a closer look, what happened next sent shock waves buzzing through the insect community.

“It flew straight up and right into my face,” said Prof. Thoone. “It was startling and so fascinating! I was so shocked, I couldn’t speak. It took off like a hummingbird, with several of its legs vibrating at such a terrific speed, that it was nearly inaudible. Luckily, one of my colleagues was able to safely trap it in a net.”

The team also recovered a nearby nest of immature flying spiders that were preserved for future study. The ‘mother’ and ‘baby’ spiders are currently housed in a climate controlled insect lab in Washington. The full-grown arachnid measures in at almost 5 inches in length, not including the fore-stretched legs. It’s wingspan is an impressive 7 inches when fully opened for flight.

Several of Thoone’s colleagues, who have studied insects and bugs for most of their adult lives, were very happy with the discovery, even if several were a little disturbed by the idea of flying spiders.

“Of all the fears in the world, spiders are right up there for many people, even me, and I study creepy-crawlers for a living!” said Jennifer Charles, a colleague of Thoone’s. “I wasn’t in Honduras when they found the new species, but to be quite honest, when they brought them into the lab in Washington, I literally considered burning the entire building to the ground. They’re truly frightening, I tell you.”

The new tinea volante will be entered into a catalog designated for prospective new species. After a peer review, the spider – if it is of a unique and previously undiscovered variety – will be catalogued as a new entry into the exciting world of insects. Until then, Prof. Thoone is enjoying life in the limelight.

“All this attention – it’s fascinating! I’ve been researching insects and other threatened life forms for over 30 years, and you don’t expect this type of thing to happen. It’s like the holy grail of insect research. I made the cover of Bug & Beetle Quarterly, which is pretty big doin’s in our corner of the insect world! It was a 4-page spread. I’m overwhelmed!”

There’s talk about naming the new spider after Prof. Thoone. “They want to name it The Altheus Thoonicus,” said the professor, with tears in her eyes. “That would be so great, and so…fascinating,” she said.

Genetically Modified ‘Self-Knitting’ Sheep Threaten Wool Industry

Posted on October 10, 2014 by DvanL

EDINBURGH, Scotland –

In 1996, the world’s first successfully cloned mammal, Dolly, a Finn Dorset sheep, was born. Dolly died in 2003 at the age of 6. Since then, advancements in genetic engineering, controversial as they may be, have continued with astonishing results.

Scottish scientists again made history with the recent announcement that Dabney, a ‘self-knitting’ sheep, was produced through advanced genetic engineering. Dabney has been genetically altered to produce wool in patterned alignment. When sheared, Dabney’s wool pleats itself into shapes that can be easily packaged and shipped straight from the farm to raw wool dispensaries or individual clients. The wool can be knitted into patterns more quickly than non-genetically altered wool, with unskilled workers able to produce the same volume that more experienced wool gatherers have produced in the past.

As a result, raw wool prices have begun to drop significantly, threatening the Scottish Woolen Trade.

The raw wool movement has come to dominate the industry. “It was the hipsters that created the demand,” said Trudy Fales, President of the International Wool Council. “They’ve revolutionized the industry. All those old sweaters, caps, and bags were more than just a fashion statement – they were a game-changer for the industry.”

“Since there is only one Dabney,” said Fales, “prices are probably going to stay high, until another litter of genetically altered sheep is produced.”

An anonymous source within the Scottish biotechnology firm that created Dabney said, “There’s only one. We’ve tried to produce more, but we’ve given them all we’ve got.”

Time will tell if the global woollen industry will be able to maintain the dominance it has held since the 17^th century.

CDC: Viewing Of Lunar Eclipse ‘Blood Moon’ Could Cause Contraction of Rare Disease

Posted on October 8, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

On Wednesday morning, most of North America was privy to a viewing of a lunar eclipse ‘blood moon,’ the reddish hue from a sunset or sunrise that reflects onto the moon’s surface during a full lunar eclipse. When this happens, the moon will appear bright orange or red.

Although normally harmless to gaze at the moon, scientists have warned that anyone who may have witnessed the lunar eclipse ‘blood moon’ may have been hit with powerful, harmful doses of radiation, which they say is the equivalent of thousands of X-rays happening all at once.

“Everyone knows that the sun can be harmful to you, whether that means overexposure or staring directly at it,” said Dr. Marvin Lee, of the Center for Disease Control in Washington. “What many people don’t realize is that the sun also emits a fair amount of radiation that your body absorbs. Over time it could be dangerous, but in small doses it’s okay. During a lunar eclipse, though, when the sun is reflecting off a full moon, causing the ‘blood moon’ effect in early morning or early dusk, the powerful rays of the radiated sun become intensified, almost as if the moon is being used as a magnifying glass to point its harmful radiation directly into you.”

Dr. Lee says that most people won’t notice any side effects of the eclipse right away, but it’s possible that they may start to get violently ill over the next few days and weeks.

“It’s not entirely uncommon for people who’ve been exposed to these ‘moon rays’ to develop lycanthropy,” said Dr. Lee. “Lycanthropy usually will have an on-set once a month during each full moon, and generally will last for the rest of the infected person’s life. Symptoms include elongating of fingernails and teeth, rapid hair growth, and extreme rage and violence. At this time, there is no known cure for lycanthropy, and the contraction via lunar eclipse is new to us. Previously, the only way thought to contract the disease was through survival of a bite or scratch from another person infected with lycanthropy, so this is difficult science we are dealing with.”

Dr. Lee and the CDC say that anyone who may have been awake during the hour of the blood moon, and viewed it directly, should wait to see if symptoms develop before contacting their physician.

“They can’t tell if you’ve got Lycanthropy until the ‘claws come out,’ as it were,” said Dr. Lee. “If you think you may have contracted this disease from viewing of the eclipse, please seek professional help as soon as possible.”

Nutritional Study Reveals That Drinking Apple Juice Increases Penis Size

Posted on October 7, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

In an extensive two-year scientific nutritional study conducted at Boston University, a group of experts in nutritionally based health improvement breakthroughs, known internationally for their past nutritional scientific discoveries and award-winning accomplishments, claim that their research has proved conclusively that drinking a half-gallon or more of apple juice a day, will, surprisingly increase penile size over time.

Health experts and dietitians say that the precise, detail-oriented, and incredibly well orchestrated study, which had over 30 medical professionals working diligently to monitor the process of natural male enhancement and measuring the results meticulously in a very ‘hands-on’ manner, may very well be the most significant nutritionally based study conducted in the past twenty years worldwide, and for obvious reasons.

Nutritional Science and Engineering professor, Dr. Ismael Untobo, along with his team, constructed the detailed article titled ‘Apple Juice and The Secret of The Male Sexual Organ’ in the October issue of the prestigious North American Nutritional Journal Monthly. Their research revealed that consuming large amounts of 100% real, natural apple juice several times daily is the only proven way known to date, excluding surgery, that is likely to significantly increase penis size.

According to Dr. Untobo’s extensive report, 50 male subjects were monitored on a daily basis during the entire two-year study, and each participant consumed at least a half-gallon of natural apple juice. Once a month, members of the research team gently massaged the men’s private areas with oil until fully erect. This was done to gain the most efficient and scientifically dependable measurements of both length and girth. The results have proven to be quite explosive for the average sized male desperately wanting to offer their sex partners a little something extra.

“No specific nutrient in the apple generates the increases, it is the coexistence and the chemistry of how the nutrients are uniquely constructed within one another’s supplemental DNA, if you will,” Untobo explained. “We tried all different types of juices over the full 10-year study, but it was only within the last 2 years that we discovered that apple juice was the key. Even I’ve taken to drinking several glasses a day. My wife is very happy.”

Within the first six months, Dr. Untobo says his research team at Boston University began to see astounding results in not only penile length, but also in girth as well.

“Six months into the study the average erect penile length of our group increased from 5.75 inches to 6.25 inches, while erect penile circumference increased from 3.8 inches to 5.3 inches. Production of semen increased slightly as well, but intensity of orgasm went off the charts during monthly evaluations,” said Untobo. “It became overwhelmingly obvious that semen production increased very rapidly along with leg-shaking, intense, full-body orgasms. Obviously our test subjects were very pleased with their personal growth and newly discovered, unprecedented orgasms. I guess one could say, the juice gives you more juice, and more juice keeps a smile on your face,” said Dr. Untobo.

Dr. Untobo added that the makers of 100% real apple juice should significantly improve in worldwide sales over the course of the next couple years. “As the results and proof of these studies spread, I would be surprised if the supplement companies do not cash in by converting apples into a pill form. It can be done, and to the best of my educated knowledge, such a supplement is not currently sold over the counter, but they will be,” Dr. Untobo concluded.

According to Untobo, now that he has finished his study with the hopes that his research will help many men gain the confidence they were looking for when it comes to the size of their members, he has begun leading a team of female colleagues and participants in a study to determine whether or not the size really matters, anyway.

USDA Warning: Gluten-Free Diets Cause Cancer

Posted on October 4, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A joint statement released today from the USDA and the FDA discusses new information, based on several years of research, that proves that a gluten-free diet, done solely on a pretentious, bandwagon-style mentality, will give you cancer.

Researchers and medical staff at the Wyatt Institute in Clearwater, Michigan say that they have been working on the effects of a gluten-free diet on people who do not have Celiac Disease or other wheat and gluten allergies. According to reports, their discovery was ‘surprising.’

“We’ve known for many, many years that persons with Celiac Disease should have a gluten-free or extremely low-gluten diet,” said Dr. Marvin Sheer, of the Wyatt Institute. “Those people need to eat a special diet so as not to become extremely ill. Over the last few years, though, many people are jumping onto a ‘gluten-free’ diet bandwagon, because for some strange reason they think that gluten is bad for them. It’s not, by the way. Plus, it’s part of nearly everything that you eat.”

Gluten is a substance present in cereal grains, especially wheat, that is responsible for the elastic texture of dough. It is found, in one shape or form, in everything from cereals to sliced bread, pastas, and even crackers.

“What our study concluded is that these people, who just decided to go ‘gluten-free’ because it’s the fad, or because they think it will help them lose weight, are not getting enough gluten in their diets. This, by the way, can already be an unhealthy option. But heck, wouldn’t you know it, we discovered that it also gives these people cancer – brain cancer, to be precise,” said Sheer.

“What happens is, these people, they stop eating gluten, because it’s the ‘cool’ thing to do. It’s hip. They read about going ‘gluten-free’ on Facebook, and they have to try it. After all, their friend Jeanne lost 2 pounds going gluten-free,” said Professor Charles DeWitt. “These poor people, though, when they go gluten-free just because everyone else is, they forget to use their brains, and the less you use your brain, the more likely you are to develop a cancer in it. If you’ve been gluten-free for more than 15 minutes, and you don’t have Celiac Disease, chances are you are on your way to having brain cancer as we speak.”

Dr. Sheer says that people with Celiac Disease have nothing to worry about, though.

“If you have an actual, medical reason that you should stay away from gluten, keep doing it. Our research shows that in your case, you are using your brain by following sound medical advice,” said Sheer. “If anything, not eating the gluten might make your brain more powerful. We’re still working on that study, though.”

Sheer suggests that anyone who is currently on a gluten-free diet unnecessarily to stop immediately, and to just ‘eat your damn food like a normal person’, especially if you’re out at a restaurant.

“You’ll make every waitress, cook, and other restaurant employees happier if you do, because I’ll just tell you this right now – it’s 100% impossible for a restaurant to cook you a gluten-free meal. Don’t be pretentious. Order that fried chicken, and enjoy. And don’t forget to tip!”

Illinois Passes Law Banning Both Plastic and Paper Bags

Posted on October 1, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Quickly following California governor Jerry Brown’s ban on plastic bags in his state, Illinois lawmakers announced that they would not be ‘out done’, and quickly passed a law banning both plastic and paper bags from grocery and department stores throughout the state.

“For some reason, there has been talk for years in several states, with California leading the way, of banning plastic bags – and only plastic bags,” said Illinois congressman Aaron Silver. “I understand that the use of oils for creating something that people throw away almost instantly is a waste, but apparently these other states aren’t aware that it causes more environmental pollution and total waste to create paper bags over plastic.”

Environmentalists agree with Silver’s stance on the topic. Science professor at Chicago University Myles Kent was at the forefront of getting paper bags banned along with plastic throughout Illinois.

“Just for paper bags alone, more than 14 million trees are cut down annually,” said Kent. “It takes almost 4 times as much energy, and causes almost 70% more air pollutants to make a paper bag than it does to make a plastic bag. Banning plastic is nonsense. If you’re going to ban one, you really need to ban the other.”

Consumers who learned of the impending changes to their grocery routine were confused and outraged, many wondering what they plan on replacing the bags with so that they can get their food back to their homes.

“Do they expect that I’m just going to carry all my groceries out to my car and then haul them into the house without bags? It’s completely absurd. At this point, I’d pay more just to be able to keep the bags. Isn’t that a damn trip? Pay more for something I used to get for free,” said Destiny Brown, a Chicago resident we spoke to outside of a Price Chopper grocery store. “I swear, I’ll just rip the damn pillowcases off my kid’s beds and I’ll use those. There is no way I can shop without bags.”

“Pillowcases are a pretty good idea,” admitted Silver. “We haven’t yet thought about what the bags would be replaced with, really. It has been suggested that you sew together your old clothes into make-shift bags. Pants with deep pockets might work for small trips. We also urge consumers to consider just tying a bandana to a stick, hobo-style. It’s worked for them for eons, there’s no reason it can’t become a trend amongst environmentally conscious consumers.”

“It’s just that damn government controlling how we live, once more,” continued Brown. “At this point, I might just shop for groceries and other items online and have them delivered – or are they outlawing cardboard shipping boxes in this state, too?”

Silver said that the whole point of banning both paper and plastic bags is to send a message that ‘the environment is good, and ruining it is bad.’

“We really need to save this planet for future generations. They will need oil for other, more important things than bags, like getting around in cars or making kitschy plastic gifts. They will need trees for climbing, and building tree houses, and for clean air to breathe and that sort of thing. We need to protect the people from themselves, and from harm. That’s what we do. We’re the government, and we make decisions for you.”

When asked, Silver had no comment about the possible future legislation of cardboard boxes.