Florida Man Successfully Receives Penis Transplant From Horse

Posted on August 3, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

IZTAPALPA, Mexico –

A man from Melbourne, Florida has received the worlds first-ever successful horse-to-man penis transplant in Iztapalapa, Mexico using the allograft procedure, which is a procedure in which the key components of organs are grown artificially. The news broke this morning as it was published in the Mexican newspaper ‘El Grafico.’

The recipient of the transplant, which took place July 16th, Nicholas Waterbury, wished to remain anonymous at first, but was convinced by Mexican physicians that he would go down in history as the world’s first ever, animal-to-man penile transplant recipient, and that it could bring him great fame. Waterbury then gave El Grafico the approval to use his name in their exclusive front-page article.

The procedure, which took place at El Calavero Medical Center and was successfully completed in just over nine-hours, was completed by Dr. Abelino Santiago, who specializes in organ transplants. Santiago adamantly stated that this was an unprecedented, groundbreaking operation.

“The first human-to-human penis transplant was just in 2006, so this is very significant.” said Santiago.

The worlds first penis transplant that Santiago referenced, which was indeed successful, was completed in September of 2006 in Guangzhou, China by Dr. Jean-Michel Dubernard. The recipient, a 44-year-old male, had lost most of his penis in an accident. The transplanted penis came from a 22-year-old male. Although the transplant was successful, the patient had the procedure reversed due to psychological trauma. According to records, that was the only successful penis transplant ever completed until Waterbury received his new penis. His transplant from a Campolina, a breed of horse common in the Mexican wilderness, and used by ranchers throughout Central America.

Dr. Santiago explained to Waterbury that the odds of the procedure being successful and taking to Waterbury’s body was less than ten-percent. “We had our doubts, we believed that the chances that the transplant would take would be very small – but there was that small chance that we could accomplish a feat which had never been done before.” said Santiago. “We have made history, and Mr. Waterbury is recovering very nicely.” he said.

Waterbury told the press he first considered the transplant after reading about Dr. Santiago successfully completing several animal-to-animal penile transplants. Having been ridiculed all his life for having a below average sized penis, he got in touch with the doctor and asked if it was at all possible to receive a transplanted penis from a horse, and have a fully functional penis.

“He told me the chances were very slim that it would work, but I decided to try to be a part of history while possibly fulfilling complete personal satisfaction.” said Waterbury. “It has been two weeks, everything seems to work properly and when they tested it two days ago, I got my first erection. I am amazed, Dr. Santiago is a wonderful man.” added Waterbury.

Being that the issue for Waterbury was the size, reporters naturally asked about the transplanted penis’ size, “Mr. Waterbury wishes to not disclose that information, but we can tell you that he is a very satisfied man,” said Dr. Santiago.

Waterbury is sure to face a flood of news media upon his arrival back into the United States, which according to Santiago, will be about a month.

“We wish to keep Mr. Waterbury under constant observation for at least the next thirty days, in which we will perform multiple tests on the functionality of the penis. When we are satisfied and certain he will have no issues, we will recommend that he can go home, however for the time being it is absolutely necessary to monitor the healing process.” said Santiago.

Santiago added that some of the inner workings of the penis were modified using synthetic materials, allowing the procedure to be possible. “Without the allograft procedure, in which tissue is grown artificially, we would not have even tried. I contemplated even trying it at all, but after some research and meeting with my associates, we were convinced that it was indeed possible using the lab grown allograft. We are very pleased with the outcome, but we still have to keep an eye on Mr. Waterbury’s healing process, which has gone extremely well.” Santiago said.

Scientific Study Confirms Weight Loss Via ‘Digestive Meditation’

Posted on August 2, 2014 by AlabamaWhitman

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

With obesity on the rise and absurd diets swarming the market like wildfire, health and wellness specialist Dr. Mark Wildstein and neurologist Dr. Shawn Plutchetzky, conducted a study to see if the brain was powerful enough to control weight loss and weight distribution merely by concentration and will-power. The results of the test, released in the Boston Medical Journal on July 30th, were astounding

“The brain is the most complex organ in the human body. It controls sight, smell, taste, hearing, and physical movement,” said Wildstein. “It gives us the power to imagine, to think, and to act. Everyone thought what we were doing was a joke. We firmly believe in the power of the mind, and now we have a study that shows just how right we are.”

The study was conducted over the course of six months with two separate groups of 30 subjects. The first group consisted of females, between 130-133 lbs. Half of the women were in a controlled environment where they slept 8 hours per day, exercised equally at zero to low intensity, and were fed 3 times per day. The other half of the group was not in a controlled environment, and asked to maintain their regular eating, sleeping, and exercise habits. For some participants this constituted zero physical activity, as they were asked to continue life as normal. The second study of 3o subjects was conducted in the same manner, but with male participants between 170-173 lbs.

“We did our research and carefully chose 60 subjects to take part in our study. Our goal was to achieve a group of individuals that was near identical, in terms of eating and exercise habits, sleep patterns, and so forth. We had to eliminate all variables possible.”

The subjects were educated on how the brain and body function prior to the study. Each subject was directed to participate in ‘digestive meditation’ by lying down after each meal to think about the food they just ate, and visualizing how their body was digesting it. Wildstein and Plutchetzky believe that by reliving each bite in the imagination and thinking about how the food is being broken down inside the body, it allows the brain to control where it stores fat and nutrients, if at all. The subjects focused all of their energy on where they’d like the fat from each particular meal to gather on their bodies, or if they wanted it to at all. Most participants, they said, chose to just “flush the fat” from their bodies.

“I lost weight in my mid-section and I gained a cup size!” said Kim Sherbert, who was amazed at what happened to her body over the course of the study. “My husband and I are unbelievably happy. And I can’t wait to show off my new body at the beach. Just in time for the end of summer! I just couldn’t believe it was as easy as it was.”

“I’m Brazilian, but I always had a tiny butt, and I was very self-conscious of it,” said Bianca Souza, another test subject. “Throughout the study, I noticed my butt was beginning to fill out and become more round. My waist stayed tiny. I’m just in complete awe. The hardest part was not falling asleep during the digestive meditation. But I worked really hard at thinking about it, and I’m proof that applying yourself pays off! I’m so thankful to them!”

According to Wildstein, all but two of the subjects achieved their desired body goals.

“The study was a major success, and overall seems to prove the Doctor’s dietary motto of ‘If you think it, you can achieve it,'” said Wildstein. “We are extremely pleased with how everything turned out, and I think our subjects are, too!”

“We wanted to prove the brain could control weight loss, and distribution, without any physical or dietary influence,” says Plutchetzky. “I believe, without a doubt, that we accomplished this.”

Food Scientist, Medical Doctors Slam Gluten-Free Diet Fad

Posted on July 21, 2014 by JP

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

A new craze in the United States is gluten-free food items. Over the last few years, gluten-free items have been popping up left and right, and you can’t go to almost any food establishment without running into a menu item that is completely 100% gluten-free. Some people claim that they are so allergic to gluten that it can have the same effects on them as a peanut could to a person with a nut allergy.

In the day and age we live in there are so many different types of diets, supplements, and healthier food items out there it makes you wonder how people survived 60 years ago. With time we have learned that some people are allergic to certain foods such as shell-fish, peanuts, etc, and these allergies can be so serious as to cause death.

A scientist in San Antonio, Texas has found through testing, though, that this is not the case when it comes to gluten.

“I have done endless tests and examination on people who claim to be allergic to gluten,” said food scientist Dr. Phillip Ray. “I did test such as giving my subjects gluten and telling them I didn’t, and nothing ever happened. The funny thing is, when I gave my subject something without gluten, and claimed that it was not gluten-free, that is when they began to have reaction symptoms. I believe that it is all a mental complex, otherwise known as “stupidity,” and people want to believe they are being harmed by something that isn’t hurting them in the slightest. In fact, in case you weren’t aware, most people need gluten in their diets.”

So far, Dr. Ray is the only medical professional to try and make his theory known, publishing it in medical journals and securing spots on daytime talk shows, although most of his claims have already been backed up by medical science ages ago.

“Going ‘gluten-free’ in your diet has absolutely no health or diet benefits, and is a fad that has become commonplace, but really has no merit in the world of dieting,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith, a specialist in allergies and disease. “Most people who lose weight on a gluten-free diet are only doing so because they are normally cutting out breads, wheats, and pastas – things that can, in large portions, cause an unhealthy weight. On the opposing end, though, unless you are extremely careful, a gluten-free diet will lack vitamins, minerals, and fibers your body needs.”

“If you don’t have celiac disease, eat your damn gluten,” said Dr. Ray. “You’re just making yourself look stupid when you go out to a restaurant and ask for a gluten-free menu. The waitress knows you don’t have celiac disease. The kitchen staff knows that you’re just being a picky bitch. You don’t have a wheat allergy. You’re just pretentious. You stop that nonsense immediately.”

New ‘Bee Tax’ on Cell Phones May Drive Landline Comeback

Posted on July 14, 2014 by Angela Baker

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Recent technological reports have heralded the end of an era. There are no more payphones or dial tones, and slowly but surely, elderly landline subscribers have died off or finally learned to text. Don’t throw away your old cordless phone yet, though! Because of a hefty new “Bee Tax,” landlines may soon be making a comeback. This new environmental “protection tax” will be approximately $25 dollars per line added to your current monthly cell phone bill. It is expected to make its appearance on all U.S. cell phone carriers, after the 911 Surcharge and Federal Excise Tax, by 2015.

Since the introduction of cellphones, the bee population has been on a well-documented decline. While humans can not perceive cell phone signals, communication between mobile phones and cell towers confuses bees, causing them to become disoriented. Unable to function normally, colonies of honey bees are steadily collapsing. Since honey-bees are crucial in pollination, this presents a huge problem. For some time now the USDA has denied any correlation between cell phones and bee colony collapse, but it has reached a point where farmers are seeing an impact nationwide.

“It has become clear that cell-phone use needs to be limited.” Said Peter Mayer, a representative for the USDA. “Cell phone rates will go up, but we need to encourage more landline usage. Aren’t you sick of that whole ‘can you hear me now’ stuff anyway?”

While landline phone stock has steadily declined on Wall Street, financial experts are now predicting a surge in value. Among other companies, Verizon, Fairpoint Communications, and even MagicJack and Vonage stocks have both gone up in demand. Roy Chestnut, chief financial officer of Verizon, reportedly has plans in motion to buy back some territory that was sold off to smaller companies in preparation of customer switching back to landline phones.

The “Bee-Tax” regulation is rapidly making its way through the senate and house, and inside sources say President Obama is not expected to veto the bill. Environmentally concerned democrats and fiscally tight republicans both support the measure.

“Hey, I’m for it. It will encourage competition and create jobs – and most importantly, it’ll help America’s backbone, the farmer.” Said Republican senate leader Mitch McConnel of Kentucky. “Nothing is more important to America and the future of this country than the farming industry.”

When questioned about those people that would not be able to afford cell phone service if taxed an extra $25 per line, McConnel did not seem concerned.

“These welfare folk and the like can just spend less money on getting their nails done, crack, and cable TV, and then they can come up with [the money]. Or they can share a landline – which was a luxury in my day and age. We definitely aren’t going to be able to fund government subsidized programs like food stamps if the honey bees done-die-out now, are we?”

Kanye West’s DNA Used To Clone and Breed Guinea Pigs

Posted on July 11, 2014 by Mange

LOS ANGELES, California –

The proposed business merger between Kayne West and biotechnology company PPL Therapeutics came to a grinding halt Tuesday, when the first of a brood of cloned guinea pigs were found to have a nearly 90% mortality rate. Of the original 86 live births from a synthetic womb, a full 77 were found to possibly be suicidal.

While initially confused by the trend, science has found an explanation to the phenomenon, although a confusing and disturbing one.

The facility where the cloned animals were to be housed had been equipped with watering systems made of hypoallergenic, germ and virus resistant and highly reflective polished steel cages. According to lab personnel, the guinea pigs were found in groups of three or four a day, drowned in the watering troughs they shared. At first, lab management states, they were confused. Further investigation using low-light cameras revealed that the animals were, in fact, voluntarily placing their heads in the trough and staying underwater, apparently only surviving if they passed out and fell over before brain death set in.

Several attempts to alter the water with mood suppressants had failed, and the facility was beginning to lose hope on solving this puzzle. Finally, in an act of mercy, one employee removed one of the suicidal animals, which is strictly against lab policy. Planning to give it a happy home in it’s final days, the nameless employee placed it in an unused fish tank. Providing it with a plastic bowl of water and some fresh hay daily, the employee was amazed to find that the guinea pig was dry and alert every morning, in contrast to the wet and stunned symptoms they had all displayed daily. Upon alerting facility staff to the find, experimentation started and quickly found the source of the lemming-like behavior.

“We were able to narrow the issue down to one of housing,” stated a lab PR agent. “In the facility’s case, we have water troughs with highly reflective surfaces on the bottom, which allow the rodents to gaze at their own reflection. They were failing to come up for air and had shown an alarming tendency towards self-destruction. Upon covering the trough bottoms with non-reflective surfaces, the remaining specimens lost all interest in death, and enjoyed their nice hay and snuggles.”

“We know now that playing God with Kayne West’s genetic material may have been too bold a step for us. There are powerful drives in his genes, chief amongst which is the desire to stare at one’s reflection to the point of ignoring all pain and disorientation.”

The research company has refused to issue comment on the proposed cross of a lobster with Lindsey Lohan to create a lifeform prone to voluntarily throwing itself into a pot of boiling water.

Facebook Admits to Manipulating User Profiles For Absurdist ‘Matchmaking Game’

Posted on July 4, 2014 by NJJones

MENLO PARK, California –

The terrifying news released last week that Facebook admitted to manipulating the posts of 689,003 users in a mood-changing social experiment came as a shock to people worldwide. Further investigations into the ethicality of their experiments has uncovered new information that suggests Facebook has been using their “guinea-pig” users in a much more problematic way.

This secondary experiment first became apparent when reading the official report released by Facebook, sources noticed occasional references to something called “dating data.” When prompted about the mysterious data, Facebook technology teams confessed to what they had been doing throughout the site.

“Using what we learned from our initial experiment – that modifying the news feeds of a user could in fact modify their mood as a whole – we invested in a smaller project to see if by modifying people’s news feeds and shared information, we could push for romantic relationships between certain users, and deter them between others.” Said an employee of the company, speaking under the guise of anonymity.

“Our aim was to discover how far social networking goes today in regards to formulating intimacy between people.” Said another employee in charge of the dating data. “We edited private messages being sent between users, even sent a few ourselves, and we even used our stupid ‘poke’ option to generate interest between chosen users. If you got ‘poked’ in the last year on the site, that was most definitely us. No one actually pokes anybody.”

“To be honest, the whole thing was just a game to us. We’d choose a couple people in the same city at random, make sure they didn’t know each other at all, and start playing our games. It was all really just for a laugh. Oh, and, of course, to study human interaction, etcetera blah blah.”

This bizarre matchmaking experiment prompts ethicists and futurists to ask several alarming questions about the nature of privacy on the internet and how much we allow technology to control our lives in this day and age

“What we have here is a prime example of when massive corporations such as Facebook, are given too much power over the day-to-day social (and private) lives of everyday people.” Futurist Jim Carroll explained. “Hollywood makes so many movies about far-off futuristic dystopias, but what many don’t realize, and what’s highlighted by Facebook’s invasive studies, is that we are already living in one.”

When asked to comment on their latest scandal, Facebook responded by neither admitting their faults, nor denying that they were manipulating user data.

“We here at Facebook believe in user privacy, sorta, but we also believe in scientific discovery. It is important to understand human emotion and just how easily it can be tweaked by interactive new media such as social networking. We are dealing with new technology here that no one completely understands. Experiments can help us learn.”

Facebook, as a publicly traded company, is legally allowed to do whatever they want with the public and private data that users transmit through their system. The end-user agreement that is digitally “signed” by any user who creates an account, actually gives Facebook the company a lot of rights over them that they probably would never allow.

Analysts have said that in the several years that Facebook has grown to be one of the biggest websites in the world, not a single person who has created an account has taken the time to read the license agreement the site makes you agree to. They went on to say the only way to stop Facebook from manipulating their data is to stop using the website all together.

“Really, the best thing would be to switch to something like MySpace or Google Plus.” Said one analyst. “Your information is going to be extremely private on those websites, because no one uses them in the first place, so no one cares to study the user data of a handful of people.”

Unborn Baby Becomes Pregnant While Still Inside The Womb

Posted on June 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

A pregnant woman in Portland, Oregon was hospitalized this week with extreme stomach pains, and doctors were shocked at what they discovered.

Mary Lambert, who is 8 months pregnant, went to Silverstein Memorial Hospital in Portland when she thought she might be going into labor. Doctors examined her, and initially could not figure out what was causing Lambert’s pain. After an ultrasound to check on her baby, they were taken aback to find that her unborn daughter was also pregnant.

“I have never in my life seen anything like this.” Said Dr. Joseph Goldsmith, a pediatric surgeon at Silverstein. “I don’t think anyone has. This is the first time that an unborn baby has become impregnated. It’s so far beyond rare that we didn’t know it was possible.”

Up until now, the youngest person to ever become pregnant was Lina Medina, a Peruvian girl who was just under 6 years old when she gave birth. Doctors were shocked at Medina’s diagnosis at the time, but it was later discovered that she had entered into Precocious puberty, which is a rare disorder that causes puberty in extremely young children. It won’t be possible to test Lambert’s unborn daughter for Precocious puberty until she is born. Even if she is found to have the rare disorder, it will still make her the youngest person to ever become pregnant.

Lambert and her husband, Carl, are naturally very worried about the safety of their baby.

“Doctors told us it was safe to have sex while I was pregnant. Several of my girlfriends told me that they did, and there were no problems at all.” Said Lambert. “We never thought this would happen. Carl is going to be a dad, and a grandpa all at once? I don’t – I mean, who can understand all this? I just worry that my baby won’t make it. Even if she does, I’m too young to be a grandmother.”

Lambert’s doctors say, unbelievably, that both babies seem to be very healthy. When Lambert gives birth to her baby next month, she will be about 6 months pregnant, and is looking at spending her first several months of life in the hospital as doctors determine how best to handle the situation.

“At this point, we don’t know whether Mary’s daughter will survive if she continues to sustain another life inside her.” Said Goldsmith. “All we know is that this is a very rare, very unusual case, and we are taking it day-by-day. So far, Mary and babies are doing fine.”

CDC Blames Anti-Vaxxers For Massive Resurgence of Whooping Cough

Posted on June 18, 2014 by Rab

LOS ANGELES, California –

Pertussis, also known as whooping cough, has made a hefty resurgence lately, infecting people on epidemic proportions. Whooping cough, while not generally serious in adults, can be very deadly in infants and toddlers. The CDC has stated that they are blaming the anti-vaccination movement for the recent outbreaks of mumps, measles, and now Pertussis, across the United States.

“It’s amazing to me, with all the scientific proof debunking the whole vaccination-causes-autism issue, and all of the other issues people are saying vaccinations cause, that people still refuse to vaccinate their children.” Said Thomas Frieden, Director of the CDC, in a recent interview. “Herd immunity, as it were, only works when 80% of the herd is vaccinated. The less people vaccinate, the more they expose everyone. These ‘anti-vaxxers’ need to stop living in the past, and read a science journal or book once in a while. And I don’t mean one written by Jenny McCarthy.”

“The problem with vaccines is that they are made with, um… heavy metals.” Says pop icon Adam Levine, a proponent of the anti-vaccination movement, who speaks on the topic as though he has no idea what he’s talking about. “I don’t have kids, but if I did I would make damn sure I didn’t let a doctor stick them with that poison. I would rather take my chances than hurt my hypothetical kids.”

When asked where he got his information on the topic, which is completely made up, Levine said that he got it when he read Jenny McCarthy’s book.

“It was extremely eye-opening.” Said Levine. “It kept me up at night, scared that I might have kids someday, and they might get vaccinated, and they might get autism.”

“The problem I have with people reading Mrs. McCarthy’s book is that some people who read it are stupid enough to believe it. The ‘science’ she quoted was debunked years ago, and the man who did the actual ‘research’ was stripped of his licenses for falsifying his stats and making fraudulent claims.” Says Frieden. “These people need to realize the only way to significantly deter these diseases from spreading is by vaccinating, both themselves and their children. I am the director of the freaking CDC for crying out loud. Who should you believe? It’s my job to deter epidemics and solve any national disease-related crisis. For some reason, there are still people who choose to believe an ex-softcore porn star, with no scientific or medial training, who uses her autistic child as a scapegoat and rallying point, over me and other medical experts.”

With the rise of the anti-vaxxers reaching extremely high proportions, the fright of a looming epidemic will always be on our horizons.

“[Adam] Levine was right on several counts. He might have kids, and they might get autism after he possibly gets them vaccinated. Then again, on that logic, he might have kids, and they might get a splinter and he might not do anything about it and it might become infected and his child might die.” Said Frieden. “The funny thing is, that is more likely to happen than his child having autism from vaccinations. Hopefully people will come to their senses and realize even if there were problems with the vaccines, which there aren’t, it would be less of a risk than your child dying from some other entirely unrelated disease.”

Alien Life-Form Discovered In Pennsylvania

Posted on June 14, 2014 by nevets1007

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania-

Over the weekend of June 7th, an interesting discovery was made by Pittsburgh native Devon Shaffer, 28. Mr. Shaffer was emptying out the trash during his shift at the Pasta Too Restaurant in North Side Pittsburgh when he found something in the leftover pierogi grease that has put the scientific community on its head.

“Well, it was ‘round ’bout 8 o’clock, and I was taking the trash out for Jimmy on account of his bum knee. I tossed the bag up in da dumpster and awnest ta God I ’bout crapped myself when I seen it. There was like one of dem coral things like what you find over at Myrtle Beach or something, just layin’ there in some of dat old pierogi oil!”

Excited over the oddity, Devon took the object into the restaurant to share with his co-workers.

“I was like, yuz guys ain’t gonna believe this. Jimmy took one look at it an’ was all ‘You need ta take that ova to Marty at the aquarium!’ so I did.”

Shaffer took his discover to Dr. Martin Steinbeck at the PPG Aquarium in Pittsburgh. Over the course of the weekend, Dr. Steinbeck ran tests on the specimen to figure out what the object was, and hopefully discover its mystery.

“This is not a piece of coral, at least not as we know it.” Said Dr. Steinbeck. “Regular, everyday coral exists in the ocean as a living organism, it’s this hard coral that we see most often. They have a ‘skeleton’ or shell made out of calcium carbonate, and some softer corals don’t form a skeleton at all. The piece that Mr. Shaffer brought me looks very much like a regular hard coral, but there is an absence of that calcium carbonate in its make-up. After running tests on it, I discovered that his specimen was building its skeleton out of the peanut oil used to fry the perogies at Pasta Too. This means that not only is this a new species, but the fact that it can react with proteins in oil this means that its DNA is fundamentally different, alien from anything we’ve ever encountered on Earth.”

The news has created a stir in the scientific communtiy, with several labs requesting samples of the specimen from both Dr. Steinbeck and Mr. Shaffer for further analysis. Steinbeck has said he no longer has the specimen in his possession, as when news broke of the discovery government officials took ownership and brought it in for their own research.

Creationists Bash Science-Based “Cosmos” TV Show, Demand Equal Airtime

Posted on June 10, 2014 by Rab

LOS ANGELES, California –

Just this year, Neil deGrasse Tyson rebooted the late Carl Sagan’s TV show Cosmos for the FOX Network, and although the season is several episodes in, it is causing a controversy amongst a large number of religious zealots.

Creation scientists, a small facet of religious people who curiously believe that the universe and all it’s inhabitants were created by divine intervention, have a bone to pick with the show due in large part to the fact that science debunks almost all of their theories. Because Cosmos directly clashes with their ideology, they’ve started picketing the FOX Network for equal airtime, as well as boycotting deGrasse Tyson’s work.

Fox has responded to their demands, saying that they aren’t interested.

“We have no plans to create any sort of alternate, psuedo-scientific based version of Cosmos.” Said Kevin Reilly, Chairman of entertainment for Fox Networks. “I believe the only way that would even appeal to most people is if we filmed it in front of a live studio audience and added in a laugh track.”

Enraged with FOX’s reaction, the Creationists have asked that the network at least discuss the possibilities of God being the all-mighty creator of the Earth and mankind itself in at least one segment of every episode of Cosmos.

“We just want the world to know that God is the real creator and one who has evolved all of this world.” Said Melanie Pinkerton, a creation scientist with the Real Origins Group in Los Angeles, California. “Six thousand years ago, He said ‘Let There Be Light,’ and there was. Now we are asking the TV world to ‘Let There Be Light.’ We just think it’s right that we get our equal time.”

Despite the demands and complaints, the ratings for Cosmos are still holding strong. The Creationists themselves aren’t helping when it comes to getting the show taken off the air, either – Most of them have said they watch the program every week just so they can curse at their televisions and shout passages from the bible at deGrasse Tyson.

Although there are no plans for FOX to draft any episodes of the Creationist version of the Cosmos series, which the group has decided would be called Genesis, they have decided that Ken Hamm, who founded the Creationist Museum, would be the natural choice to host it. Perhaps wisely, no networks have taken an interest in adding the show to their lineup.