New Panties That Prevent Pregnancy and STIs

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

QUEENS, New York –

Dirty sluts, rejoice! Protective panties are coming to a bathroom vending machine or sex shop near you. New Woman’s Choice brand medicated underwear are predicted to replace condoms as the preferred contraceptive method for the one night stand.

You can slip these discreet underwear on up to six hours before intercourse, and they will help protect a woman against pregnancy and many sexually transmitted infections.

The special undergarment is coated in a blend of antibiotics, spermicide, and pesticide, which is up to 99% effective against chlamydia and gonorrhea, pregnancy, and pubic lice. It must be worn for at least 80 minutes before sex for maximum protection.

It does not prevent the transmission of viruses like herpes or HIV, and is not intended to be used regularly.

Clinical trial participant, Joulee Brown says she is thrilled about the product. “A lot of brothas complain they can’t keep it up with a condom on, and sometimes I’m so drunk I forget the risks. If I’m going out to the club I put the sheer pink panties under my regular ones, and in the morning I don’t have to worry, What happened last night? I can’t wait until I can pick them up at Walgreens.”

If You’re In The Market For A Summer Swimsuit, Read This First!

Posted on May 13, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

As bikini season approaches, women everywhere are searching for that one flattering bathingsuit that will get them through the season.

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) now warns west-coast shoppers to keep underwear on when trying on bathing suits this season, after two ladies in the Sacramento area have been diagnosed with antibiotic-resistant Gonorrhea after trying on swimsuits. Both women claim circumstances make it impossible that they contracted the mutant strain from sexual activity.

Both had gone swimsuit shopping the week before showing pronounced symptoms of gonorrhea, including a pus-like vaginal discharge and uncontrollable urination.

As this strain of gonorrhea is exceptionally aggressive, the CDC cautions all shoppers when trying on clothes. “Usually gonorrhea is only spread through sexual contact, and it can be cured. This strain is concerning because it is not only resistant to treatment, it has a high survivability. It appears a minute amount of bacteria was able to live on the fabric that came in contact with the source’s vagina. Frankly, that’s frightening.”

Study Proves That Oxygen Is World’s Worst Gateway Drug

Posted on May 10, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A new study by Harvard medical students has proven unequivocally that oxygen – the air that all mammals breathe in to sustain life – is the most intense ‘gateway drug’ that there is.

“For years, people have been touting marijuana as a gateway drug to trying other, harder, more fun and exciting drugs,” said Harvard researcher James Franz. “Our study shows, though, that there are many, many people who will try marijuana in their lives, and never go on to try any other drugs. On the other hand, though, there is not a single person who has tried marijuana that has not tried breathing oxygen first, making it the most powerful gateway drug we’ve ever seen.”

Researchers agree that although on some occasions marijuana users may go on to try more drugs and seek new experiences, most of them will never bother.

“I’ve been smoking weed since I was 16,” said researcher Kevin Heart. “I’ve never even had the slightest interest in trying anything else. I smoke every single day, and it’s amazing – why continue on? But, that said, I did try oxygen first, so that really was my gateway. Oxygen is a real fickle bitch, if you know what I mean.”

The Harvard researchers say that they are also looking into the correlation between people who drank water growing up who later became alcoholics.

Dr. Oz Forced to Undergo All His Miracle Treatments

Posted on May 3, 2015 by Josh Marcus

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Television personality Dr Oz has come under fire over the years for constantly touting what he calls “miracle treatments” which have no scientific backing. The debate over his legitimacy has heated up recently, with many saying he is a fraud who advertises products under the guise of medical advice, betraying the trust of those who trust him with their health choices. Now activists have found an innovative way to test his commitment, with their insistence that he publicly tries a course of all of those so-called miracle treatments.

“He’s agreed to do it, but with a lot of reluctance,” said nurse and sceptic, Perennial Lopez. “I think he’s frantically trying to find a way out of this, because he knows what’s about to happen to his health and reputation.”

A list of some of the possibly bogus health claims he has made include miracle weight loss supplements, communicating with the dead, harnessing energy to face risky surgeries, homeopathic flu remedies, and brushing teeth with soda and baking powder.

Although these products and methods are unlikely to do Dr Oz any real damage on their own, together we may see the controversial figure fighting for his sanity, if not his physical health.

“He’ll be undergoing surgery, so that we can see if harnessing energy really helps,” said Lopez. “We’re going to give him the latest strain of flu, and make him take that homeopathic bullshit. Then, he’s gonna try lose weight.”

Dr Oz could not be reached for comment, but his spokesperson says that he “is not concerned at all. Mehmet [Oz] is a trustworthy individual who would never promote anything unsafe or ineffective. Well, ineffective maybe, but definitely not unsafe. Definitely. Some products which have been deemed unsafe were never really marketed by him in the first place. He just told the public about them so that they could make up their own minds.”

Doctors Create Literal ‘Cure For Love’

Posted on April 21, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A team of doctors and scientists at Boston University has discovered what they say is a literal ‘cure for love,’ which when injected, can actually stop all feelings of love that someone may have for someone or something else.

“We can actually get very specific with the way the medicine works, and target receptors that are only about one specific person,” said Dr. Gary Moore. “Basically, say you have a relationship that ends badly, and one party cannot get over their now ex-partner. With our drug, we can inject just one shot in the jugular vein, and their love for that person will immediately diminish.”

Researchers began work on this new drug, which many are hailing as a modern miracle, after lead scientist Fred London lost his dog of 18 years, Pookie. “Pookie died after a long illness, and I could not get over him,” said London. “I began looking for ways that I could remove that love, that loss, from my life. 3 years later, we have finally made it possible to leave that broken heart behind for good.”

Testing has only recently begun with human subjects, after trials with other mammals went extremely well.

“We gave our drug to a horse, and it instantly didn’t care anymore that we had cut off its legs for glue,” said Dr. Moore. “The same was true in other animals we tested it on. I personally volunteered to go first in the human trials, too, as as they were beginning, I had just gone through a nasty divorce with my cheating-whore wife, who I loved very dearly. After one shot, I barely even gave a shit anymore that she was sleeping with my best friend for 3 years behind my back.”

Booth Dr. Moore and London say that they are expecting FDC approval on their drug by the end of the year, with test continuing through the summer months.

Inventor Creates Car That Runs On Whole Milk

Posted on April 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BURTON, Germany –

A german inventor has created a car with an engine that is capable of running on whole milk. David Mylehoff, 44, says that he created the car out of necessity, as gas prices have soared throughout Germany, while milk prices have remained low.

“Most people, they say it’s silly to have a car run on milk,” said Mylehoff. “In the United States, where gas and milk are mostly the same price, milk might be slightly higher even, sure – it’s silly. Here in Germany and in many other countries, milk is plentiful and gas is not. We are paying a high premium for our petrol.”

Mylehoff says that the process in which the car is able to power itself via milk is a secret one, but is something he hopes to patent to be able to then license to major car companies.

“Can you imagine if all cars could, theoretically, run on milk? It would be a marvel of the modern age,” said Mylehoff. “My hope is to be able to license my invention to people like Volkswagen, so they can create new cars of the future – the future of the dairy-driven automobile.”

So far, Volkswagen says they have not been pitched the milk engine, but would be open to the idea of a possible license.

“We definitely like innovation,” said VW spokesman Gerry Dresden. “We would be more than happy to meet with Mr. Mylehoff and hear about his great, new invention.”

Mylehoff says that he hopes that he can next figure a way to make a vehicle run on water, so that the world becomes less-reliant on oil. In the mean time, he is working closely with dairy farmers throughout Europe, the United States, and Canada, to fulfill what he anticipates will be a “heavy need” for milk in the near future.

Apple’s New Range of Emojis Offers Users More Diverse Options In Racism, Sexism

Posted on April 10, 2015 by Josh Marcus

CUPERTINO, California –

Adults and kids alike are rejoicing at Apple’s long-awaited release of 300 new emojis. iOS 8.3 includes in its Emoji keyboard, a range of skin tones for many of the popular faces and characters, promising much improved diversity in text messagers’ racism. Apart from the now default yellow skin color, holding down the relevant key reveals a range of 5 tones, from white to black. Now, when you snidely refer to a racial stereotype, you can find an icon to go along with it, whether you’re insulting caucasians, blacks, or Asians.

“I’m so excited to liven up my bigotry with a whole new bunch of creative characters!” enthused confirmed racist, Regus McMahon. “I can make fun of Christians and Muslims at the same time, with a Middle Eastern Santa Claus. Or, I can portray blacks wearing a fez or whatever that’s called – proving that blacks are agents of Islamic extremism. I can’t wait to get started.”

But other racists have complained after realizing that their hatred had hit a snag.

“If you send to a smartphone that doesn’t have iOS 8.3, or an Android phone, it comes out as the regular characters. So my racial slurs may end up offending my own people,” moaned Ros Lichtenstein. “I tried to portray a lighter shade of black with the picture of the poop, and it came through to my friends as a white person with a poop face!”

Apple has promised that in the near future all phones will be able to receive the various forms of racism, and that, for now, users can be content that there are more representations of gay couples to spew hate towards.

Google Planning to Release Life-Sized Pac-Man onto Streets

Posted on April 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

SILICON VALLEY, California –

On April 1st this year, Google turned its online Maps application into a game of Pac-Man, on the very streets of your hometown. But 6 days after April Fool’s, it seems the option is here to stay, and the world’s largest search engine have announced that adding such features to Maps will be an annual tradition. What we can look forward to in 2016, is our streets literally turning into a giant game of Pac-Man.

“There’ll be big yellow Pac-Men gliding along the roads, eating ephemeral pills and running away from ghosts, Blinky, Inky, Pinky, and Clyde,” Herman Melpille, the man behind the initiative, said in a press release. “Road users will be able to impact the game by bashing their cars into the soft characters, causing them to change direction and compromising the strength of the ghosts.”

The game is but a small part of a larger process, which will see Google take over 60% of the world’s streets over the next year.

“Google is moving beyond online maps and into the real world. They’ll be digitalizing the earth’s terrain, starting with first world countries but eventually moving on to those still developing,” explained tech website, Slate. “They’ll be revolutionizing not just the way we look at the world, but how life actually works. The Google car will be the beginning, but eventually our streets and buildings will belong to Google.”

Analysts speculate that the release of games such as Pac-Man is an attempt to soften the public towards their slow takeover. The web giants know that humanity can be appeased by offers of free entertainment.

“We’ve seen it in the past,” Martin Scorpese told Empire News. “With their takeover of the internet, came games such as Plants Vs Zombies. Let’s be honest, that’s not great but it caught the public’s imagination. YouTube was a stroke of genius – endless hours of free entertainment to make the fact that Google captures our most embarrassing moments.”

Among other initiatives rumored to be in the pipelines, are Super Mario characters running around the pipelines, plants actually resisting a zombie apocalypse, and a chance to rescue a princess from an evil gorilla atop a tall building.

10 Reasons You Need to Buy the New Amazon Dash

Posted on April 7, 2015 by Josh Marcus

PHOENIX, Arizona –

When Amazon released their new product last week, many thought it was an early April Fool’s joke. The Amazon Dash is a tangible version of their online, One-Click purchase capability. Simply press the button and household items will automatically be reordered.

But the Amazon Dash may actually prove useful in the long run. Here are 10 reasons you may consider making it part of your household:

No more time spent considering whether or not you really need new toilet tissue.
Teaches children that a new gadget can actually be really unexciting.
Gives you something to do on the toilet besides playing Candy Crush.
Allows paralysed individuals who can only use their fingers to experience the joys of shopping like everyone else.
We all need a bit more Amazon in our lives.
When Amazon finally uses drones for everything, can create a fun family game of pressing the button and shooting down your delivery.
Pets can be further anthropomorphised by learning to order their own food.
Machines can be further anthropomorphised by ordering own refills, bringing us ever closer to the glory days of robot domination.
Lord it over friends who have to press “A” in their URL line, wait until Amazon.com is autofilled, press enter, and only then order their products.
Archeologists in the future will find them attached to our walls, and understand that the second ice age was actually good in some ways.

There are plenty of people who say that the device is a “waste of money,” but rumors exist that those people are “firmly grasped in reality,” and their opinion should be taken with a grain of salt.

Scientists Discover Ability To Charge Cell Phones With Static Electricity

Posted on March 31, 2015 by Josh Marcus

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

In news that will revolutionize the smartphone industry, scientists have discovered a method of charging digital devices using static electricity. Technology news outlet, Wired, detailed the development on Monday afternoon. According to their report, charging your cell phone will require nothing more than a charger and the sweater your grandmother knitted for Christmas.

“Everyone knows how static electricity works, because we all learned the balloon trick and the one with the ruler and paper,” chief techno geek, Rob Fordburg wrote. “Many laymen have questioned why cell phones can’t be charged with the same source of electricity. Now we know the ability has been there all along.”

Bill Nye the Science Guy explained how and why the method works.

“When you rub a balloon against your sweater, amazing things happen!” he shouted at the wrong cameraman. “It’s fantastic. Bombastic. It sticks to your sweater. And that energy can be harnessed for our cell phones. Twitter, Facebook, ESPN, all powered by the simplicity of a balloon.”

“And don’t forget the sweater,” his child assistant interjected.

Apple have moved swiftly, however, to dampen the hopes of this cheap and portable method of charging.

“All sweaters used to charge iPhones or iPads must be purchased from a licensed Apple retailer,” said CEO Tim Cook. “If we ascertain that a non-Apple sweater has been used, the warranty will be voided.”

Samsung, on the other hand, have embraced the discovery, saying that static electricity sources are available for free with any handset, and that all it requires is a free app, powered by Google.

Interest in the discovery is expected to dwindle, as soon as people realize how dumb they’ll look with their smartphones plugged into their knitted sweaters.