Amazon To Begin Selling Marijuana, Methamphetamine Through Online Store

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

SEATTLE, Washington –

Amazon.com, America’s largest online marketplace, announced plans to begin selling marijuana and Methamphetamine to states where the drugs are legal. Shares of Amazon rose 15% on the news, and analysts predict this will be a huge income opportunity for Amazon.

”We are going to test marijuana sales in Colorado starting immediately. The good news is all marijuana sales will be prime eligible, so you will only have to wait two days for your pot,” said Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. “Our research shows most pot users don’t like leaving their houses, so having it delivered right to their doorstep will be a big selling point. We are also offering our own line of Methamphetamine that will be called ‘Amazon Highs’. ‘ Amazon Highs’ will be just under the illegal dosage, making them sellable in all states. The pot and the ‘Amazon Highs’ should be big sellers with the young people, so we are looking forward to huge profits.”

“Not leaving my house for drugs, getting high legally…Shit, I love living in Colorado,” said town stoner Matt Kelly. ”Amazon is the best. I mean it’s a big corporation so I should hate it, but how can I hate a business that brings me my drugs?”

Not to be outdone in the drug-delivery game, Dominos Pizza has announced that they, too, are looking into selling marijuana with their other products, promising a 30-minute guaranteed delivery. Chuck Edwards, regional manager of Dominos says, “It makes perfect sense, because our pizza tastes better when you’re stoned. Our research shows that stoners don’t think far enough in advance to order their pot two days prior to needing it, so the 30 minute guarantee will have the kids calling us instead of Amazon.”

‘Sleepless In Seattle’ Remake Announced Starring Colin Hanks And Meg Ryan

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Miramax announced today a remake or the 1993 hit film Sleepless in Seattle, and Meg Ryan has already signed on to the project. Filming is expected to begin in early spring.

“We are excited to remake Sleepless, and add in a little modern day twist,” said Louis DeCarlo, Miramax Executive. ”Meg Ryan will be playing her original role as Annie Reed, but now she is a 53-year-old widower. Her daughter, without her knowledge, will sign her up on a cougar dating site. Of the hundreds of replies one will stick out, a 37-year-old man from Seattle, played by Colin Hanks. Thats all I want to give away now, but I can tell you there will be a meeting on top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s day.”

“I’m really excited to make this film over again. To be honest, my phone’s not exactly ringing off the hook anymore with starring roles,” said Meg Ryan. ”In Hollywood, once you lose your looks, all thats left to play is the nosy neighbor or a crazy cat lady. Or I suppose, in this case, a cougar.”

“This is my biggest role yet,” said Colin Hanks, when asked about preparing for the remake. “It’s been hard, sometimes, living in my father’s [Tom Hanks] shadow. This was a big hit for Dad, so I’m really hoping this remake launches my career to the next level.”

“Why don’t they leave classics alone for God’s sake?” said online reviewer and movie buff Carmine Classi. ”I mean, come on – Meg Ryan? I think we would all like to remember her as young, sex, and great jerk-off material. She’s aged worse than a pig in shit, or whatever that metaphor is. I can tell you right now, it ain’t pretty. I’d believe her as a cougar, but I don’t believe Colin Hanks as an interested young man.”

meg-ryan-hot — Meg Ryan circa 1993, when the original ‘Sleepless In Seattle’ was released

Members Of Westboro Baptist Church Say Oreo Cookies Promote Interracial Orgies

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Members of the outspoken, infamous, and highly controversial Westboro Baptist Church in Topeka, Kansas, are expected to travel to East Hanover, New Jersey next week to protest outside Nabisco headquarters, where they will condemn the production of Oreo cookies. They say the chocolate cookies with the white cream filling subliminally suggests to consumers to participate in interracial orgies and affairs.

John Dunston, 46, of Topeka and one of thirty-nine active members of the church, says that Nabisco is primarily targeting white females to subliminally take part in sexual activities with multiple African-American men.

“Just look at the cookie. It has a sweet, creamy, soft, white filling, with a hard brown cookie on the bottom and a hard brown cookie on top. This is obviously supporting and suggesting evil acts between a white female and two black males,” Dunston said. “We have had enough of this garbage, and we are going to make a stand to condemn this evil.”

Dunston went on to say all members of Westboro Baptist Church will be traveling to New Jersey sometime next week to participate in a “game changing protest,”

Opponents of the church say they believe interracial sexual activity is not a sin, such as 24-year-old Marquis Thompson. “I mean, you know, if a white girl wants to live out her fantasy with a couple strapping niggas, then so be it. It’s a free country ain’t it? They just mad because they all fat ugly white people, and they stupid as shit. Listen bruh, people gon’ do what people wanna do, this is the home of the free and streets of da free – black, white, yellow, don’t mean shit in the United States of America, believe that,” Thompson said.

Colorado Rockies To Begin Selling Pot Brownies At Stadium During Upcoming Season

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

With marijuana legalization in effect in Colorado, and weed laws becoming lax in several other states throughout the country, major sports organizations say they are looking for ways to cash in on pot smokers who come to their games.

Sources are reporting that Major League Baseball’s Colorado Rockies plan to sell food items which contain marijuana at concession stands during games next season. The first item on the list? Pot Brownies, of course.

An official within the Rockies organization stated that the ball club has given the green-light to their concession company to begin sell marijuana brownies, cookies, cakes, and other pastries in the 2015 season.

High-ranking officials in the Rockies organization say they are thrilled at the new menu items, since they note that it will bring in tens of thousands of dollars per month.

“We are so thankful that the great people of Colorado voted in this measure to allow marijuana to be legalized throughout the state,” said Rockies spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Now, fans of the Colorado Rockies can come to the game, enjoy a beer, a dog, and then a nice dessert that will ease them into the 7th inning stretch.”

The Rockies head office is hoping that the sale of marijuana pastries will also boost sales of other concession items, as they say there is “no better way” to enjoy a Colorado Rockies game than high, and with a good “case of the munchies.”

Idaho Man Wins $23 Million Lottery, Tells Wife He Is Leaving Her On Live Television

Posted on January 22, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ARCO, Idaho –

Have you ever witnessed something while watching live television that makes you ask yourself, “Did that really happen?“. Well, viewers of the KTVB Mid-Morning news experienced a truly bizarre, awkward case of the aforementioned scenario this morning.

Bill Gustafson, 44, and his wife, 43-year-old Naomi, of a humble small town named Arco, Idaho, were jumping for joy last night just after the WRKG News ended with the weekly drawing of the Super-Six Idaho Lottery. All six numbers matched the single row of digits on the crumpled up and mustard-stained one-dollar lottery ticket Bill had purchased at a quiet little convenience store called Grub, Gas & Go.

Mr. Gustafson reportedly called the lottery office just before the excited couple headed to Boise, and told them to have his check ready, that they would be there in three hours, probably less. As the couple arrived, waiting in anticipation at the scene was KTVB News field reporter Michelle Clark, along with her cameraman.

Gustafson and his wife walked in and briefly met with Idaho Lottery spokesperson Stella Marie Johanson. Johanson then proceeded to ask the couple if they would mind going on live television, where she would then present the ceremonial ‘big check‘. The couple agreed excitedly.

It was on live TV that things took a really awkward turn. Just after Gustafson was presented the over-sized check, Clark asked him what the couple planned to do with their big winnings. “Well, first of all I’m gonna divorce my fat ass, bitch wife! Hell, I don’t know why she’s still around anyway. She loves Ronald McDonald more than she loves me!”

Stunned by the announcement, Clark then laughed as if she was waiting for Mr. Gustafson to do the same, or offer a punchline. He never did. Neither did Mrs. Gustafson, who turned beet red. Mrs. Gustafson then smacked her husband across the face, which led to him beating his wife with the over-sized $23 million check. In the control room, KTVB quickly cut away from the scene, back to a visibly shocked pair of co-anchors on the set of the KTVB News who were barely able to hide their laughter.

As Clark told the story on the KTVB evening news, she closed with the famous saying, “When it comes to live television, always expect the unexpected when least expected, you never know what you’re gonna get.” The winning couple are reportedly getting divorced, and are fighting for custody of the over-sized TV check.

Chicago Man’s Suicide Prompted By Emotional Animal Cruelty Prevention Commercials

Posted on January 21, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Marcus Knowles, 37, a resident of East Garfield Park on the East side of Chicago, reportedly took his own life yesterday, and according to the Chicago Police Department, Knowles left a note stating that he had been driven over the edge by the emotional commercials issued by the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. The commercials typically show sad, battered, and starving pets, accompanied by music of a very melancholy nature, such as the popular Sarah Mclachlan song In the Arms of an Angel.

In the letter, Knowles stated that he wishes that everyone would just have given all their money to the ASPCA, if it meant that they didn’t make any more of the commercials.

“The commercials are some of the most depressing things I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Knowles in his letter. “I had a wonderful life, travelled the world, and saw everything I wanted to see. I have no family, but I have made lots of friends and plenty of money in my life. Everything was going great, until I saw that commercial. The sad, crying eyes of the dogs. The matted fur of the little kittens. And the song. I have been crying for days, and there is only so much a man can take.”

Knowles, who lived in an apartment complex, was not allowed to have his pets in his building, and was apparently distraught that he couldn’t help the animals.

“There is nothing I can do to help these sad creatures. I cannot live if I cannot help these depressed animals. To everyone in my life who matters, I am sorry. I am leaving every penny I have to the ASPCA, and I advise you to do the same, lest you see this same fate as me.”

Police say that this is the 14th suicide they’ve seen in the last year because of the overly depressing ASPCA commercials. They have reached out to the organization to get them to find a new approach to their marketing.

“I’d be just as likely to donate if they showed happy children playing with well-fed puppies. And at least I wouldn’t weep for hours or have to dive for the remote to change the channel,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of the Chicago Police Department. “I love animals, and no one wants to see them in that state. The people of Chicago, and probably the entire country – they love their animals so much. Please, for everyone’s sake, donate today.”

Congress Looks To Pass Legislation Allowing One Day Per Year That Immigrants Can Legally Cross Border Into US

Posted on January 16, 2015 by JP

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Illegal immigration has been a problem to the United States for several decades. As a nation founded my immigrants, we once welcomed people from all over the world to proudly call America their home. Now, with so many illegal immigrants sneaking into the United States, it has become more of a hot button issue than ever, further dividing the political parties.

Safeguards have been put into place to stop the rapid flow of illegal immigrants coming into America, but with all the manpower, programs, and arrests, congress says that the economy is suffering either way; If an immigrant finds their way in and maintains a job, a legal citizen is losing money. If they get caught, it takes hours of time and thousands of taxpayer dollars to make sure they are deported. A vicious circle that appeared would never end, may be meeting its fate this upcoming year.

Congress has reportedly begun work on new legislation, under which immigrants would be allowed to come to the United States without facing jail time or being deported, the caveat being that it would only be on one specific day each year, with the remainder of the year following the standard deportation laws.

Lawmakers say that their theory behind the change is that the strong workforce of immigrants that will make it across the border one day per year can and will contribute greatly to our society. The legislation would rule that once in the United States, the aliens would register with their existing country’s identification, and be given a temporary green card, with the expectation they are able to find work, and maintain a job for at least 6 months. At the end of the 6 months, a specific form would need to be filled out by the immigrant’s employer, with information about whether or not they are considered a “vital employee.”

Lawmakers say that once the forms are filled out and checked by the state and federal governments, immigrants would be granted full citizenship. The whole process takes approximately 9 months. Immigrants who are not deemed to be of sufficient use to their employers would be deported.

Jaywalking Charges In New York Have Increased To One Year In Prison

Posted on January 8, 2015 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

If you happen to live in New York City, you may want to wait a little longer for that crossing light to pop up before trying to make it across the street. A new law being presented to the New York State Congress by lawmakers today states that anyone caught jaywalking within city limits will face extreme new charges, including fines and up to one full year in prison.

The decision was made after several years of studies on traffic accidents involving pedestrians, who in busy New York City will often rush through the city streets while texting, talking on phones, or just generally being ignorant of their surroundings. The city holds the record for the most jaywalking charges in the entire country, and the local government have been working closely with police to come up with a strict solution.

“You ever have a guy tell you to lick his bean bag because you gave him a jaywalking ticket?” said Officer Carl Brown of the NYPD. “I honestly love the idea of a person going to jail for jaywalking. Maybe it will show them some patience. People forget how big New York is, and how many people are in it. I’ve seen people get hit by cars while jaywalking, and if they just relaxed, took a second, and found a damn crosswalk, they’d have been fine. Once the law is in effect, I can’t wait to slap the cuffs on some idiot for crossing the street illegally.”

The law will start at an as-yet-undecided date in 2015, as officials work out final details. The city says that they fear if they began citing individuals for violating the law without warning, more than 90% of the city would be behind bars. Police officers are currently being briefed on the law in anticipation of the changes.

“We’re super excited for this to happen,” said Officer Brown. “I’m chomping at the bit to lock up some of these hardcore criminals.”

Family Friend Reveals Shocking Secret About Kim & Kanye’s Baby

Posted on December 30, 2014 by Empire News

LOS ANGELES, California –

You can hardly turn on your television these days without seeing a Kardashian, and with the recent Kim-Kanye nuptials, it’s been like a flesh-eating virus that refuses to go away.

Rumors about Kanye’s controlling behaviors and Kim’s ever-present derrière pics continue to plague the internet and social media. According to a Kardashian insider, Kanye controls everything Kim does, right down to the clothes she wears, the photos she posts, and limiting her public appearances.

“Kanye is on an unrelenting quest to have the perfect family – well, a perfect family that is obsessed over by the media, anyway,” said the anonymous source, a reported close friend of the couple. “Kim fills the wife roll perfectly, or at least parts of her do, and now it turns out that he has taken his quest one huge, dramatic, over-the-top step further.”

While it remains no big surprise that the couple’s one-year-old baby, North West, is already being made into a media staple, apparently the unusual method of conception has been kept a secret since her birth. For years, many infertile parents have resorted to in vitro fertilization as a means of reproduction, but in Kim and Kanye’s case, it was used for a much less conventional purpose.

“In order for his child to have the best chances of having the specific traits he most desired, Kanye resorted to creating his very own genetically modified offspring,” according to the anonymous source. “With the help of the Center for Genetic Research in San Diego, two sets of eggs were fertilized with Kanye’s sperm – one from Kim, and one from another woman named Erica Goldsmith. Mrs. Goldsmith’s eggs contained precisely what Kanye was looking for when it came to ‘proper’ genetic makeup. It cost him millions of dollars to have the tests, research, and implanting done.”

Since North West is one of the first of such genetically modified ‘designer babies,’ the end result of the procedure cannot be truly know until she begins to mature. Undoubtably, the couple will continue to chart the progress of their lab-created bundle of joy through the normal socialite methods of Twitter and Instagram.

New Evidence Reveals True Purpose of Great Wall Of China

Posted on November 19, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BEIJING, China –

Researchers have uncovered new evidence revealing the true purpose of the Great Wall of China. Built largely by the Ming Dynasty, long-standing belief has always been that it was built to keep out invading Mongols hordes.

“Started in the 7th century, and finished by the Ming Dynasty, the Great Wall of China has had many different theories as to what was its true purpose. As many as one million people died in its construction, and their remains became part of the wall,” said Archaeologist Richard Reginald. “Through DNA testing of bones found in the wall, and analysis of artifacts found in the wall, we believe that we have finally identified the true purpose of the wall.”

According to Reginald, DNA analysis of bones in the wall prove that the workers were of non-Chinese ethnicity. “The only conclusion,” said Reginald, “is that the Great Wall of China was built by cheap Mexican labor for the sole purpose of keeping out Mexicans and other ‘unwanteds.'”

”See I was right, I’ve been saying this all along, what we need is a great wall of America,” said Senator Ted Cruz upon hearing the news. “It worked for the Chinese, obviously – there isn’t a damn Mexican in China, that’s for sure. It can work for us. We can the get the illegals to build it cheap, and when it’s done, we will throw them a big party and say ‘Congratulations, Amigos, how’s it look on the Mexico side?’ and when they go look, we slam the gate on them! It’s ideas like this that will make me a perfect candidate to be the next President.”