17 Kids Die After Peanut Butter Sandwich Brought Into Kindergarten Classroom

Posted on May 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

STETSON, Michigan –

Superintendent Jamie Gross of SAD 49 in Michigan says she regrets lifting the school-wide ban on peanut butter, which had been in place for five years to make the school safe for people with peanut allergies.

“I had a lot of pressure to lift the ban, and I could not have foreseen what would happen,” she said during a recent press conference. When the ban was lifted, parents rejoiced, able to send their children to school with inexpensive peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

Lunchlady Martha Serra says the kids went wild. “Most of those kids wanted peanut butter and jelly. They’d been spoiled by ham and roast beef. Sandwiches went flying. They opened them up and smeared them on the walls. Of course the kids with the allergies, they went a different kind of crazy at the sight of peanut butter. I saw one of the girls shoving sandwich after sandwich in her mouth, grabbing them out of lunchboxes, picking them up off the floor.”

17 children with peanut allergies died in the incident, and Gross says they will be reinstating the ban.

“It wasn’t so stupid after all, was it?” she said. “Next time we have a ban, please, stop protesting it and let it happen. It’s probably for a reason.”

Toddler Dies After Mother Uses Cell Phone In Emergency Room

Posted on April 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSON, Georgia –

A 4-year-old girl who fell and broke her leg died on Monday after her mother took a selfie in the hospital ER. The signal from the cell phone, when turned on, caused the girl’s life support system to malfunction, which lead to her death.

29-year-old Kathy Simmons said she is “confused and upset” by the incident that killed her daughter.

“When I brought Joy in, she was okay, but she had fallen and broken her leg, and it required some minor surgery to repair the bone, so she was hooked to machines that could monitor her breathing and provide pain medicine,” said Simmons. “No one told me I couldn’t use my phone in a hospital, so how was I to know? I just wanted to cheer her up by taking a picture together. Then everything sparked and the machines started to smoke!”

Doctors told Simmons that the machine that was providing a steady drip of morphine to her daughter for pain surged, causing her to take an extreme amount of the drug all at once, killing her.

“People need to know that hospitals are no place for selfies, text messages, snapchats, or phone calls,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, Joy’s doctor. “Little Joy would still be alive right now if only her mother had read the any of the hundreds of signs littered around the hospital advising people to not use their cell phones in the hospital. It’s a safety precaution, and a big one.”

Woman Dies After Husband Accidentally Crushes Her During Game of Twister

Posted on April 16, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Police have cleared Joel Craig, 32, of any wrongdoing in the death of his wife, Samantha Craig, 29, after she was killed during a “rowdy” game of Twister.

Joel Craig says that when the spinner landed on Left Hand: Blue, he was forced to move into a position that caused him to slip, and all of his 298 pounds came crushing down on the chest of his wife.

“I told her that I didn’t want to move, that I knew I would fall, but my wife was very, very competitive, and she told me the game couldn’t end until one of us had fallen,” said Craig. “I didn’t want to crush her, but she was starting to get angry, and I moved my hand. I fell, and I crushed her ribcage, which punctured her lungs. We’d only been married for six months.”

An investigation into the accident was performed, but police say it was a clear-cut case of accidental death, and no charges would be filed.

Man Creates Indiegogo Campaign To Pay For His Assisted Suicide

Posted on April 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

A Portland, Oregon man has set up a crowdfunding page to help him pay for the expenses associated with his assisted suicide, including finding a doctor who will attend the event, as well as associated funeral costs.

Jimmy Rogers, 70, says that he has “absolutely nothing” left to live for, and wants to kill himself, but do it “properly,” according to the Portland Press Gazette and Herald.

“I have lived here in Oregon my entire life. My wife is gone, we never had any kids, and I’m just sitting around, getting older by the minute,” said Rogers. “A friend of mine down at the rectory turned me on to the internet about 6 months ago. Fascinating thing, that internet. Anyway, I discovered a page where you can ask people to give you money, just like that, without doing a damn thing to earn it.”

Rogers says he saw a lot of people had received donations on everything from operations for their cat to a new pair of sneakers, all of which he referred to as “straight horse shit.”

“If these people want a pair of sneakers, they need to go out and get a damn job,” said Rogers. “That said, though, if people are just going to throw money at nothing, they might as well throw it at me.”

Rogers says he is seeking $15,000, which will pay for the doctor and his after-death expenses, with a little left over to send to his friend Roy, who is the person who helped Rogers set up his first computer.

Beer Drinkers More Likely To Die Young, Have Miserable Lives, Says Study

Posted on April 11, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Researchers at the prestigious Harvard School Of Study in Boston have recently released their findings about beer drinkers, something that the team says they have been working on for many years.

“College is a place of learning, but mostly, it’s a place to party, drink beers, and get laid,” said research head Joey Goldsmith. “We decided to study the effects of drinking beer on people’s lives, and follow the same study group over the course of 20 years.”

Goldsmith says that the study proved conclusively that beer drinkers die younger than non-beer drinkers, and that most of them go on to lead miserable, messy lives.

“We followed 50 party kids who spent most of their nights drinking, and 50 nerds, who spent their college careers working towards their goals,” said Goldsmith. “After 20 years with these people, 42 of our 50 beer drinkers were dead, and the other 8 were in rehab, prison, or homeless. Of the 50 studious people we followed, every single one had good jobs, good families, and 4 of them became millionaires in business.”

According to Goldsmith, the more beer someone drinks, the more likely they are to die young or become a “complete and total wreck.”

“I strongly suggest that if you’re going to college and you want to party, then stick to smoking weed,” said Goldsmith. “I mean, really, isn’t that the better option anyway?”

Premature Baby Dies After Parents Try To Put Her Back Inside Mom

Posted on April 10, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GARDNER, Indiana –

A young couple, Mark and Jessica Grover, both 24, were arrested after they called 911 to report that their baby had died. The couple had given birth at home only a few hours before, and accidentally killed their child after trying to insert her back inside Jessica’s vagina.

“This couple knew that their baby wasn’t due for another 6 weeks, and they panicked, thinking that something was wrong,” said police chief Mario Ruben. “Instead of calling for an ambulance, they tried to push the baby back up inside of the mother, causing severe brain and spinal damage to the baby. Unfortunately, it died before paramedics arrived.”

Chief Reuben says that both parents are being charged with negligent homicide, and that they are still in custody.

“I know that people are having children younger and younger these days, but these parents had been doing everything right – going to their appointments, mom was eating healthy, and the baby just came early, and they didn’t know what to do,” said chief Reuben. “It’s extremely sad that this happened, but a crime was committed none-the-less. Please, if you’re having a baby, do not try to put it back. It’s not a Thanksgiving turkey. They will come when they come, and that’s one oven you can’t put something back into.”

Gang Initiation In Detroit Causes Panic After 30 People Killed In 30 Days

Posted on April 5, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

A new gang trying to make a name for themselves in Detroit, Michigan is said to be playing a deadly game. The crew, known on the streets as The Detroit Hitmen are allegedly looking to kill 100 random people over a 100 day period. So far, police say the gang has killed 30 people, none of which had gang affiliations or ties of any kind.

“These people, this gang, they’re killing anyone. They’re killing young or old, black or white. The deaths have no connection, and we are at a loss on how to stop them,” said police chief Gabe Miller. “We want everyone to stay inside, keep your doors locked. They are not killing at any time of day. The deaths have been random, from stabbings to shootings. The violence is unreal.”

Chief Miller says that the gang is made up of at least 50 different members, all of whom are white.

“Unlike the black gangs, which usually wear colors or have identifying marks or signs, this gang doesn’t do any of that,” said Chief Miller. “That’s what makes them so deadly. All of the suspects we’ve dealt with were white, mid-to-late 20s, educated, and articulate. Most of them come from middle-class or upper-middle-class homes. Trying to handle this violence when it’s being perpetrated by white kids is extremely difficult.”

Man Dies At Bachelor Party After Stripper’s Large Breasts Suffocate Him

Posted on March 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Greg Miller, 24, died on Saturday evening at his bachelor party, after a stripper accidentally suffocated him with her breasts. The dancer, whose stage name is Jiggles, reportedly has size 39-Triple-E breasts, and often uses them by shoving them in the faces of her customers.

“I’ve put my ta-tas in the faces of hundreds of men, and they all really liked it,” said Jiggles, whose real name is Jessica Girth. “This guy, though, he friggin’ loved my tits, and he couldn’t get enough. He was stone cold sober, and was still talking about calling off the wedding because he loved shovin’ his face between em. It was intense.”

Jiggles says that during the part, Miller shoved his face between her breasts, and about 5-minutes later, she realized that he was no longer moving.

“I pulled his face out, and one of his buddies gave him CPR,” said Jiggles. “It was too late though. I guess he suffocated in there.”

“Man, what a fucking awesome way to go, though, right?!” said Miller’s best man, Mike Carlson. “That girl had some of the best tits I’ve ever seen, and they were so good he died over them. Well, in them. It’s crazy. I mean, I kind of feel bad for Brenda, his fiance, but she is sorta a bitch anyway, so no harm, no foul. I know that Mills is looking down at us right now, rubbing one out over his own death. Classic Miller, dude.”

Serial Killer Escapes From Prison; Police Issue Warnings, Begin Nationwide Manhunt

Posted on March 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Police say that 45-year-old Martin Traffords escaped from the Phoenix Federal Prison in Arizona yesterday, apparently making his way past security via a laundry truck. Traffords was arrested in 2011 for the murder and dismemberment of over 30 people, all young women and girls.

“Traffords is considered extremely dangerous, even when not armed,” said Phoenix warden of prisons Joel Goldsmith. “He murdered at least 30 people, and claims he killed hundreds more, all by snapping the necks of his victims, and pulling them apart with his hands. We are asking anyone who sees Traffords to contact us immediately or call 911.”

Traffords is described as being white, approximately 6 feet tall, and 200 pounds. He has a full-sleeve tattoo of Heaven and Hell on his left arm. He may be headed to Nevada, California, Texas, Georgia, New Hampshire, Alaska, Puerto Rico, Montreal, or Ohio.

Man Commits Suicide After Failing To Rise Money For New Sneakers On GoFundMe

Posted on March 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

A week after jumping four floors from a hospital window, Hakeen Burley has died from his injuries. After failing to raise enough money through his crowdfunding campaign, Burley decided to take his own life.

Burley was visiting his grandmother, who was recovering from heart surgery at Mercy Hospital in Baltimore. According to witnesses, Burley made one last plea to his family and friends to donate to his GoFundMe Campaign, which he had set up so he could buy the new pair of Fendi monster fur-trimmed leather high-top sneakers he had his eye on.

His cousin, Jamal, explains, “It was real important to him to get those kicks before they went out of style. In his mind, his time was running out, but the problem is he comes from a poor family, and no one cares to help him out. We were all too busy trying to find a way to raise money for Grammy’s heart surgery.”

Although Burley’s grandmother got quite a shock, she has recovered from her surgery and was released from the hospital.

“He was always my least favorite grandchild, anyway,” said Burley’s Grandmother, Irene. “He only came to visit me in the hospital to hit me up for money, the ungrateful brat. I won’t say that I’m glad that he’s gone, but…Hakeen, who?”