Police Pull Over Man For Broken Headlight, Discover Trunk Filled With Human Remains

Posted on February 15, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Frank Kerry, 40, was arrested and charged with murder after police pulled him over for a broken headlight on Sunday evening, only to discover the decomposing bodies of at least 3 people in the trunk of the vehicle.

“I pulled [the man] over for having a headlight out, which is pretty routine,” said officer Joe Goldsmith of Miami PD. “When I approached the vehicle, the man seemed very nervous, and there was an extremely foul odor coming from within the car. I asked Mr. Kerry to step out of the vehicle, and when he did, he ran for it. We caught him only about 50 yards away, and when he was tackled to the ground, he kept screaming ‘don’t look in the trunk!'”

When police did search the vehicle, they found the remains of at least 3 individuals, all disembowelled, beheaded, and cut into pieces. The entire trunk was filled with blood, and the bodies were in varying states of decomposition.

“If I’m being honest, it was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen in my life,” said Officer Goldsmith. “I wanted to vomit looking at the carnage. It was too much to handle.”

Police say that Kerry had a record that included armed robbery and criminal trespass, but nothing that would lead them to believe he was capable of a crime of this caliber.

“We are still investigating whether or not someone else may have been involved,” said Goldsmith. “The investigation is ongoing.”

U.S. Tourists Report Seeing David Bowie Alive In Nicaragua

Posted on February 9, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

GRANADA, Nicaragua –

Several groups of U.S. tourists vacationing in Nicaragua report that they have seen David Bowie alive and well in the city of Granada. All of the reports come from various people who seemingly have no connection, and all of them say that the singer was happy and in good spirits.

“It’s weird that he’d fake his own death and come to Nicaragua,” said tourist George Felix. “I mean, he wasn’t exactly at the forefront of any controversy or really in the limelight that much. He could have probably retired and done his thing outside of the public eye with no bother.”

According to eyewitnesses, the I’m Afraid of Americans singer was seen in restaurants and clubs in Granada, as well as walking along the city’s beautiful beaches.

“I think it was a marketing ploy, honestly, set up by a bunch of greedy media companies,” said another tourist who says she saw Bowie, Marcy Jones. “He had the new album coming out, and now they’re remaking Labyrinth, which obviously will intrigue more people because Bowie is supposedly gone. All these companies coming together to fake his death and sell more of whatever they’re selling – it wouldn’t surprise me at all.”

Couple Who Won $1B Powerball Jackpot Found Dead In Their Home In Apparent Murder/Suicide

Posted on February 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

Mary and George Ripkin of Phoenix, Arizona, were found dead in their home Monday morning after a neighbor called 911, reporting that they heard gunshots coming from inside the home. The Ripkins recently won the largest jackpot in history, which netted the couple over a half a billion dollars once split between other prize winners.

“I hear a couple of people yelling, then a gunshot, then everything was silent,” said a neighbor, Felicia McGregor. “I couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, but I did hear them talking about whether to get a yacht or just buy an island.”

According to police, George McGregor shot his wife, and then hung himself in the family den. A Facebook status that he left stated that they were going to donate all the money they had won to a lucky winner who shared, liked, or commented on the post. As of the time of this writing, the post had been shared more than 2.6 million times, although lawyers for the couple say that the post does not constitute a legally binding contract, and no one will be getting the money for sharing the post.

Teen Cooks Child She Was Babysitting In Oven After Taking ‘Bad Acid’

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A 17-year-old teen has been arrested and charged with drug abuse and murder after she allegedly cooked a child she was babysitting in an oven. The teen claims that she didn’t do it on purpose, and that she honestly mistook the child for a turkey while she was “high on some bad acid.”

“I’m going to be honest – I was tripping balls when it happened,” said the teen, Marissa Fleming. “My boyfriend Tim and I, we just got into doing psychedelics. I’ve been tripping on mushrooms lately, and wanted to try acid. I tell you, the trip was intense and awesome, but I never even realized what I was doing when I set the over to 350.”

Fleming had been babysitting the 11-month-old toddler on the weekends since November, and the baby’s parents – who wish to remain anonymous, said that they couldn’t believe that it happened.

“Marissa is such a nice girl, and she really did love our baby,” said the mother. “[name redacted] and I, we have been together since high school, and this was our first baby after 20 years of marriage. We are definitely chilled to the bone about what happened, and extremely depressed, but at the same time, we experimented when we were her age, too, and I for one know how crazy shit gets when you’re tripping balls.”

“We don’t blame Marissa for what happened, we blame the public schools for removing the D.A.R.E. program from most areas,” said the father of the deceased child. “Marissa might have known better not to babysit on acid if she had only been able to hear it directly from the mouth of Daren The Lion. Now she has to live with this guilt for the rest of her life, and we had to get a new oven to remove the stench from the house.”

Snake Bites Boy At Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom

Posted on January 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ORLANDO, Florida –

A family from Alabama plans to sue Disney World after they said an escaped snake at Disney’s Wild Animal Kingdom dropped from a tree and bit their young child. The family’s attorney, Matt Morgan, said Thursday that the boy’s grandmother saw the snake bite him, went into cardiac arrest from fright, and died soon after. They boy was treated with a band-aid and continued to enjoy the park after the incident.

While the family mourns her death, they say they will remember Grandma’s sacrifice as they spend the money they will receive from this lawsuit. “She would have said, ‘I’m old. I lived my life. Let God take me if it means my family can go on more memorable vacations.’ Next time we won’t be going anywhere with snakes though,” said one of the family members. The names are not being released at this time.

Disney says the snake was wild and not part of their attraction. Attorney Jeff Kendell plans to represent the snake, who did not intend to harm the boy. “The snake was nonvenomous, so it did not plan to hurt anyone. It was merely speaking out about the destruction of its wild habitat for a tourist destination in the only way it knew how.”

FOX News Mourns Aryan Toddler Found Dead, Ignores Deaths Of African-American Children

Posted on January 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MONROE, Washington –

Megyn Kelly, one of the generic blond news anchors you can find on Fox at all hours of the day or night, teared up recently when reporting on the tragic death of a child, saying, “We here at Fox news are especially sad to report the search for the missing aryan 2-year-old ended in tragedy Friday, as the boy was found dead in a fast-moving creek behind his home.”

Grayson Hill had apparently wandered away from his house around midnight, and was later found by the swim team. They attempted to revive him but were unsuccessful. Because the parents are affluent, the Snohomish County Sheriff’s Office is more included to call it a tragic accident, instead of investigating the parents for neglect.

That week, two black babies were killed in the inner-city by stray bullets, but Fox News did not feel this would be of interest to its Republican, Right-Wing viewers. “You should see the excitement in the newsroom when news of a white missing child breaks. Of course it’s sad, but everyone’s excited for the story,” says former intern, Randy Hansen. “When it’s a black kid though, you can’t even mention it. You’d get laughed right out of the room.”

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs Admits To Killing Notorious BIG

Posted on January 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a recent interview with MTV News, Sean Combs, aka Diddy, admits he and the late Notorious BIG were “frenemies at best.”

“There was a rivalry between us. He’s the one that came up with my name, Puff Daddy. You think I would’ve chosen that weak-ass name for myself? Please,” said Diddy during the interview.

This inspired a rivalry between the two artists, which eventually led to the demise of Biggie Smalls. “I killed him – lyrically that is. After that, Wallace had himself killed so he’d win in the end. Sold a lot of records after that. It was a marketing strategy. Might have worked for a while, but who’s sold more records now, bitch?”

Diddy went on to say insist he was not responsible for the rapper’s death, saying clogged arteries would have killed him soon anyway. “Fattie couldn’t ride the elevator up to the studio without huffing and puffing.”

The MTV News interview will not be aired on their network, per their agreement with advertisers to show nothing but reality TV, but it will be available on their website.

Serial Killer Leaves Saltine Crackers On White-Only Victims; Dubbed ‘Cracka-Killer’

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

The FBI is offering a reward for information leading to identification of the “Cracka-Killer,” who has nine confirmed kills, all of whom were strangled and found with a single saltine cracker placed over each eye. The Cracka-Killer is assumed to be an unmarried black man, age 28-40, who feels “wronged by the white man.” His victims have all been white men and women above age thirty, and were residents of Massachusetts and New York State.

According to John Douglas, a former chief of FBI’s serial crime unit, there are conservatively between 35 and 50 active serial killers on the loose in the US at any given time. Most do not leave such an obvious calling card.

As many tips are expected to flood in, the FBI reminds the public not to call in to report every gang member or man of color buying crackers.

Resident Jay-Rod Brown is offended that they assume it’s a black man. “It’s actually racist to assume the killer is a black man. Maybe he isn’t calling them ‘crackas,’ maybe his momma didn’t give him enough soup as a child. You never know what’s in a psycho’s mind. Or it’s some old cracka who wants to put the suspicion on someone else. That’s my theory.”

Robert Fratta Kills Himself 12 Years Into Life Sentence; Note Blames Taunting From Inmates

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

Fratta, the sexual deviant who made headlines for killing his wife back in 1994, has reportedly killed himself in prison. The suicide note says other prisoners, who had heard the details of his case, would not stop pinning him down and defecating on his chest. Fratta also denied the allegations that he had ever liked it, saying he “never had asked his former wife to do something so disgusting, either.”

Bob Fratta was convicted of hiring Joseph Prystash and Howard Guidry to kill his wife, Farrah Fratta, who was shot twice in the head with a .38 caliber pistol outside her home. The killing occurred during the course of a custody battle between the victim and her husband. In the custody papers, Farah cites Bob Fratta’s sexual perversions as one of the reasons for divorce.

Bob Fratta reportedly had been going to the prison chapel frequently, asking forgiveness for his sins in the months prior to hanging himself in his jail cell. Prison officials say there were no reports of the alleged assaults on the prisoner.

Woman Crushed To Death While Having Sex With Horse

Posted on January 21, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

Elvis, a spotted saddle horse, has been removed from his owner’s custody after crushing a woman to death. According to husband Rick Brownlee, Mary Brownlee had grown up around horses and this wasn’t her first time, so he was not worried she would be injured.

Rick Brownlee, Steven Hutchinson, and Joseph Hutchinson, who all live in the home where the horse was stabled, were not immediately forthcoming about the manner in which Mary had been killed.

Officer Michael Deschenes says at first they pretended not to know how she had been killed when they were questioned.

“Of course it was suspicious because she had her pants around her ankles. There was a puddle of what appeared to be a large amount of ejaculate. I told them that they were going to fess up or they was all going to jail.”

The men finally confessed, and police seized a video showing Mary Brownlee’s last minutes. On the video the men can be heard cheering, laughing, and breathing heavily while the horse mounted Mary. Investigators say the cracking of her ribs can be isolated on the tape. Because Mary was being crushed she was unable to scream for help.

Joseph Hutchinson says they honestly did not know she was in trouble. “I heard a snap. Just thought it was the fence starting to give. I’m real sorry the horse had to go through this. You can tell he’s awfully traumatized over it.”

According to police, the horse will be placed with another local rancher who has promised that he will not let anyone have sex with it.