Teen Girl Dies While Masturbating, Parents Blame ‘Extremely Large Dildo’

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOPEKA, Kansas –

A 16-year-old girl was found dead in her home late Friday evening, apparently suffering from a heart attack while masturbating. Her parents, who would only give their first names, Joe and Carol, say they found their daughter, who they wish to not name, after they returned from their anniversary dinner.

“[Name redacted] knew she wasn’t supposed to use her mother’s big, black double-ender, and we’d never thought she’d sneak into our room and take it,” said Joe. “We didn’t really want to bring it up to her, because it’s embarrassing. I’d give anything to go back in time now, and tell her not to use such a big one. She wasn’t ready for that yet.”

“I’ve had so many more years of getting torn up, that really, I needed one that big to even feel it,” said Carol, who claims the dildo was around 9 inches or so in circumference. “[Name Redacted] was just a young girl. She shouldn’t have been taking one so big. It was too much, and her heart couldn’t take it.”

Joe and Carol say that they want their story to be a lesson to all parents, and that talking to your children about the dangers of excessively large sexual toys should be mentioned in the initial “birds and the bees” talk.

“Please, don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed to talk to your kids,” said Joe. “They need to know that sometimes, a penis – real or fake – is just too damn big.”

U.S. Filmmakers Arrested After Releasing ‘Extremely Obscene’ Horror Movie

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW ENGLAND, United States –

A group of independent filmmakers were arrested yesterday after a horror film they made was released online. The movie, The Carnage Collection, is reportedly a horror anthology, but several of the stories featured included graphic violence and disturbing content, enough that one viewer reported the film to authorities.

“Much like the Charlie Sheen fiasco in the 1980s, when he reported the notorious Guinea Pig films as being real to the FBI, my clients are accused of making snuff-related cinema, which is completely bogus,” said a lawyer for the filmmakers. “Although the movie may contain scenes of an extremely violent nature, and contain content not normally fit for viewing, this arrest is a severe form of censorship.”

According to people who have seen the film, the movie contains extreme violence, but the death of a young girl via a stabbing to her vagina is one of the scenes that has people talking, and is reportedly the scene that caused the complaint. The segment in the film, titled Stuffed, apparently deals with a girl named Andrea who befriends a talking, stuffed sloth, who convinces her to rape and murder her friend.

“It’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen,” said the anonymous woman who reported the film. “I illegally downloaded the film because the cover had a picture of Santa on it, so I thought it would be okay for my kids. The fact that it is called The Carnage Collection is irrelevant to me. Sure, the movie has a Santa in it, but he’s evil, and tells another character to ‘suck my mother-f’ing jingle balls.’ Needless to say, I let me kids watch the whole thing right up until the girl gets knifed in the vagina. Then I turned it off and called the police.”

“We’re just making a movie, and it’s definitely not the worst thing I’ve ever seen,” said Derek Ferreira, one of the film’s co-directors and stars. “I mean, haven’t you guys ever heard of American Guinea Pig? A Serbian Film? Cannibal Holocaust? Those are some heavy films right there, with directors who went to jail for their art. But even still, this is just art. These are just movies. We’re being censored by The Man.”

The filmmakers are reportedly being held on $20,000 bail. Although the film has been cleared of any actual death or animal abuse, the crew is still behind bars based on almost 100-year-old law that forbids the production of “obscene material.” They say they still plan to sell and release the film in the coming weeks.

Man Who Died While Showering Not Found For 3 Days

Posted on December 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

It wasn’t until the repairman came about the furnace that a 32-year-old man was discovered dead in his shower. The water had been running, exhausting the hot water in the apartment building, and after his neighbors complained the maintenance man and landlord discovered the cause.

The landlord, Fred Willette, and the repairman, George Glass, both said something smelled foul when they entered the apartment, which they initially thought was garbage.

“It got stronger once we got to the bathroom. Almost threw up when I pulled back that shower curtain at the sight of a naked man,” said Glass.

“Our first priority was restoring hot water to the apartment complex, because we had a lot of complaints, and I don’t want to be known as a slumlord,” said Willette. “So we shut off his water. We then called the police to report his grotesque, water-bloated body.”

Autopsy reports have yet to be released, but building supervisor says the man’s apartment was littered with empty beer bottles and cans, which may explain why he lost consciousness in the shower.

“Guy must’ve just fell asleep drunk, ended up drowning in the shower. Place was a real dump. Littered with Star Wars crap and Magic cards,” said Willette. “Seems like the guy must not have had much to live for. Always paid his rent on time though. We’ll miss him for that reason.”

Walmart Manager ‘Happy’ Only 3 Employees Killed During Black Friday Sale

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

JOHNSONVILLE, Indiana –

Carl Rogers has been a manager at Walmart for over 10 years, and has been through his fair share of Black Friday sales.

“I’ve been through it all. People being trampled, fights breaking out, shootings, stabbings. I even once had a man bludgeon another man to death with a 27″ TV they were both fighting over,” said Rogers. “This year, by comparison, was a breeze.”

Rogers says that only 3 of his employees were killed during a mad rush as the doors opened at his location, which is the lowest amount killed in several years.

“Last year, it was 5 killed. Two were trampled to death, two were stabbed, and one died of a heart attack,” said Rogers. “We were sincerely hoping for no deaths this year, but frankly, 3 isn’t too bad. At least it wasn’t any customers. I’m pretty happy with the day.”

Walmart’s Black Friday specials roll on through Sunday, with most stores having plenty of items still in stock.

Baby Taken Into Police Custody After Killing, Eating Parents

Posted on November 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A 2-month old baby was taken into police custody after reportedly killing and eating its own parents in Boise, Idaho, say police. Sources inside the investigation say they are still trying to determine how, exactly, the baby was able to kill his parents – Kathy and Michael Davidson, both 30 – and eat them without anyone hearing cries for help.

Rosie Jenkins, a neighbor, who asked not to be identified, said that she heard the baby laughing for quite a while, but she didn’t hear anyone playing with him or talking back.

“The baby’s name is Jarod,” said Ms. Jenkins. “And he always seemed like such a happy baby. I am so shocked and surprised at this turn of events, because normally a baby so happy like that doesn’t turn to violence until much, much later. And to have eaten his own parents! My God, it’s crazy. That’s the world we live in now, I guess. You never know someone until they’re being arrested.”

“This whole thing is a real mystery,” said Boise police chief Mark Hall. “I’ve been on the force over 20 years, and never have a seen a baby act this violently. The scene – the house, the tables, the walls, even the baby – they were all covered in blood and gore. It was a disaster.”

Police say that they are struggling to question the 2-month old, as of right now, Jarod doesn’t speak. They say that they plan to keep him in a holding cell until such time as he learns to talk, and then they plan to try and question him again.

Teen Drowns While Stuck Inside Condom After Performing Internet Challenge

Posted on November 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

A 17-year-old teen was reportedly killed performing yet another stupid internet stunt, this one involving condoms filled with water. The “condom challenge,” designed, apparently, to prove that no guy is actually “too big” to wear a condom, involved filling a condom with an excessive amount of water, and then dropping it onto a participant’s head.

“Jessica Moore and her friend, Theresa Jones, were reportedly filming themselves performing the ‘condom challenge,’ and Jessica was killed in the processes, drowning when the condom filled with liquid got stuck around her head,” said police chief Larry Whittum. “This is a stupid and dangerous challenge that has no real merit. Everyone knows that condoms can fit any size penis, and filling a rubber with water and dropping it on someone’s head is not going to bring awareness to anything.”

Police caution that the Condom Challenge can lead to serious injury or, as is the case with poor Jessica Moore, death.

“We strongly advise teens to not perform this challenge, and to certainly not record it and post it online,” said Whittum. “You’re just going to continue to breed other stupid challenges performed by other stupid people like yourselves.”

A sample video of the Condom Challenge. Luckily, this girl survived with only a soaked shirt. Not all will be so lucky. Video contains coarse language.

Woman Arrested After Bludgeoning Boyfriend To Death With Game Controller; ‘He Chose Fallout 4 Over Me’

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

Lakeesha Wallace, 26, was arrested yesterday after reportedly bludgeoning her boyfriend, Jamal Jones, 27, to death with a Playstation 4 contoller. The couple allegedly argued because Wallace said that Jones was spending “too much time” playing the new video game Fallout 4, and was ignoring her.

“That sonofabitch was playing that game non-stop since it dropped. All day, all night, that mothafucka ain’t done shit around the house,” said Wallace. “I gots me some needs too, and if a brother ain’t about to put down the controller and feast on what I got to offer, then a mothafucka don’t need to be breathing no more.”

Police say that Wallace has been extremely vocal about killing Jones since the second they arrested her.

“She has bragged, multiple times now, that she is, in fact, the one who stabbed Jamal Jones, her boyfriend, to death,” said Police Chief Larry Wiggin. “There is no question to the motives or the crime, as Ms. Wallace has, frankly, refused to stop talking since we brought her in.”

“I tell ya’ll another thing – ya’ll better not even think about giving me no death penalty,” said Wallace to investigators. “I think I done enough time not having my pooney touched in the last 2 weeks thanks to some stupid shooting game. Don’t you think I got enough bullshit on my mind that I don’t need to be dealing with no electric chair? Shit, ya’ll mothafuckas need Jesus if you think I ain’t a strong-ass woman, ain’t afraid of shit.”

Coincidentally, Wallace faces the death penalty in the state of California for her crime.

Internet Meme ‘Fat Emo Kid’ Dies After Choking On Carrot

Posted on November 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DES MOINES, Iowa –

The Fat Emo Kid meme is one of the internet’s oldest, the picture often accompanied by the phrase, “when the world gets you down, eat it.” The boy in the picture, Mike Jones, was 16 when the image was taken and posted to internet forum Reddit, and it reportedly caused him so much grief, he went on a diet and lost over 200 pounds.

“Mike was a great kid, and he was just going through a phase of wearing make-up, throwing up gang signs, eating too much food,” said his mother, Marie. “I think all kids go through that at some point in their life. Anyway, after that picture went viral, it destroyed him, so he did something about it. He lost 211 pounds, and became extremely health conscience. Unfortunately, it was the healthy foods that killed him.”

According to Marie Jones, her son died last week after he choked on a baby carrot that was in a salad he was having for lunch.

“Mikey loved his carrots. He would eat anything, to be sure, but he did it in moderation after that picture made him internet famous,” said Marie. “I’m glad now, though, that Mikey is in heaven, where he can be fat again and eat all the cake and there will be no one to make fun of him. God wouldn’t allow it. Mikey certainly had an appetite for life, God rest his soul.”

Mike Jones would have been 23 on December 5th.

Quentin Tarantino Goes Into Hiding After Threats From Police Unions

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Film director Quentin Tarantino has reportedly gone into hiding after vague threats made against him by The Fraternal Order of Police, which is the largest police union in the country.

“The Fraternal Order of Police didn’t like the things that Quentin had to say about officers of the law, despite his statements being founded in nothing but truth,” said a friend of the filmmaker. “The FOP responded by making vague threats against Quentin, saying that ‘anything could happen’ between now and the release of his next film, The Hateful Eight, in December. Quentin doesn’t normally run from a fight, but being on the shit-end of the Fraternal Order’s stick would get anyone nervous. That’s over 325,000 officers nationwide.”

According to the anonymous friend, Quentin has left his Los Angeles home and has gone into hiding, most likely outside of the United States, where his views on police brutality would be more shared.

“The only people who think that what police are doing – killing innocent people, the brutality, the violence – is okay, are the police themselves, and only the police within the United States,” said the friend. “Everywhere else in the world, people can see that the violence is reprehensible, and even their police forces look at the US law enforcement system as a massive joke.”

According to representative for Tarantino, he is scheduled to begin touring the TV talk show circuit later this month in promotion of his new film. No word, currently, on if he will continue supporting the movie from within the United States.

Caitlyn Jenner Sues Family Of Woman She Killed In Car Accident

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MALIBU, California –

Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly suing the family members of a woman she killed in a car accident earlier this year. After receiving a lawsuit from the family against her for wrongful death, Jenner said that she decided to sue the family as well.

“There was substantial damage to my car that was not covered by insurance,” said Jenner. “Someone needs to pay for that, and it shouldn’t have to be me. I’ve suffered enough, what with killing someone and all. The blood that was on the car took Jose, one of my employees, over 6 hours to scrub off. It was disgusting, and he should be heavily compensated for his time.”

Jenner maintains that the accident, which killed 69-year-old Kim Howe, was not her fault.

“I mean, just because I wasn’t paying attention and someone got killed doesn’t mean that it’s my fault,” said Jenner. “Mrs. Howe was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and sometimes, people just die. That doesn’t mean that I need to go to jail, and it certainly doesn’t mean that her family can sue me without getting sued back.”

Jenner has filed a $1.9 million dollar lawsuit against the family for, among other things, car repair and defamation.

“They said that I killed her, and that I had no remorse,” said Jenner. “That’s just not true! I think it’s pretty much not okay to kill someone, but like I said, accidents happen. My heart goes out to them, but my lawyers are going out to them, too.”