President Obama’s Birth Certificate Sells For $3.4 Million At Auction

Posted on November 19, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

At a political fundraising auction Monday night, the only known copy of President Obama’s birth certificate sold for a whopping $3.4 million dollars to a private bidder. The bids from Rush Limbaugh and Donald Trump both fell short in a bidding war that raised money for the DNC. Speculation as to who actually was the highest bidder ranges from ultra-liberal George Soros, to the Republic of China.

“I don’t know who bought my birth certificate, nor do I care, although I’m sure conservative conspiracies theories will keep FOX NEWS busy for months to come,” said President Obama. “The reason I’m here today is to announce a new alliance with Iran. I am lifting all restrictions on their nuclear enrichment programs. After talking to Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei, I have decided that he has many valid points, and he has convinced me on his views of the holocaust being a lie, and that the Jews are the root of all evil in the world. On Khamenei advice, the United States will no longer recognize the State of Israel and I will stand with him in declaring Israelis as unlawful occupiers of the holy land. I would like to stress my changed stand on Iran has nothing to do with my birth certificate. Khamenei is just a very well-spoken person who has changed my mind on some things. He certainly didn’t buy my birth certificate and is blackmailing me with its information, and anyone who says otherwise is a racist.”

“It is clear our country has just been sold to the highest bidder,” said Republican talk radio show host Rush Limbaugh. ”President Hussein Obama has signed a death certificate for our closest friends, the Israelis, just to protect his dirty little secret that he is not a natural-born citizen. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States is being blackmailed by a foreign government. It should’ve been me who won the bidding, and then this wouldn’t be happening. I told Trump we should pool our money and team up in the bidding, but that guys ego is bigger than his buildings.”

Kanye West Insists On Nobel Prize, Claims He ‘Brings Peace’ Everywhere He Goes

Posted on November 15, 2014 by Abe Abrams

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rapper, songwriter, record producer, director, fashion designer, entrepreneur and now – world’s only chance for peace? Singer Kanye West has been on a rampage in the media the last several days, proclaiming that he deserves a Nobel Peace Prize.

“Obama won one, and he drops bombs on people. You give me a peace prize and I promise I won’t drop bombs on anyone, I’ll just drop killer beats. I’m tired of being snubbed for awards. Did Kanye win a CMA? No. Did Kanye win a Emmy? No. Do I deserve those awards? Of course I do, I’m Kanye West,” said West in an interview with Kanye West magazine.

“You drop my CDs in the Middle East, and people be too busy dancing, they won’t have time to fight. Kanye is about love, just ask Kim, if I can keep that giant booty happy, I can keep ISIS happy. It just makes sense. I deserve to win that peace prize thing. Kanye deserves all awards, because I’m a genius, and it’s only the haters and the racists keeping Kanye down. If I do a show in Jerusalem – peace! If I do a show in Afghanistan – peace! If I do a show in China – peace! It just makes sense. People don’t get it. Norwegians don’t get it. Wherever Kanye goes, peace and love follow. Except for Oakland, that always ends up in a shooting, but that ain’t Kanye’s fault.”

“I’m not sure who Kanye West is, but unfortunately for him, nominations had to be submitted by July,” said Hans Hammarskjold, chairman of the Nobel Prize committee. “We take all our prizes very seriously, and as for his reference to President Obama’s Peace Prize, we have asked for it back but the White House has not returned our calls.”

Computer Glitch Accidentally Places Six Million People on Sex Offender List

Posted on November 12, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a press briefing today, White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest had the embarrassing job of explaining to the public how a computer glitch will negatively affect 6 million people.

”It has come to our attention that because of a simple computer error, almost 6 million people have been wrongfully put on the registered sex offender list. As it happens, all 6 million appear to be registered Conservatives that voted in the November mid-terms. I want to make it clear that this was an honest mistake, and in no means some sort plotted revenge orchestrated by the White House after the embarrassing results of the election.”

”I want to assure the American people that I will get to the bottom of this, just like I did in the IRS scandal, Benghazi, Fast and Furious, and Solydra,” said President Obama from a golf course in Hawaii. “I encourage all Conservatives affected by the error to hire attorneys to defend against any possible claims of sexual misconduct that may arise due to this computer malfunction, as it may take several months to a year to fix. We have people going through the list right now, name by name, comparing it to old lists, to see who should actually be on there, and who should not – but it will take time.”

“This is the Presidents most outrageous use of power since his last most outrageous use of power. I would like to assure the American people, we will get to the bottom of this, we will have conferences and hearings, right after the Thanksgiving break. Actually, maybe the Christmas break,” said John Boehner (R. – Ohio). “I encourage all Republicans and Conservatives to double their donations to the GOP, because this will be an expensive process.”

Obama To Offer Full Citizenship To Illegal Aliens Who Register As Democrats

Posted on November 11, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama today signed an executive order granting citizenship to all illegal aliens if they agree to register as democrat voters. The order was expected by many in congress, although dictating voter party has many in Washington up in arms.

“I have been pushing for a path to citizenship for 6 years, but the Republican House has done nothing,” said President Obama.”If the republicans and the extreme right don’t care enough to make these people citizens, well then it’s only right to make them Democrats. Thanks to the our party blocking voter I.D. laws, illegals have been voting democrat in our elections for years already. I expect some outrage from the right, but in the end, I only have two years left in my presidency and I’m not done transforming America. You expect a lot more executive orders it the next two years, because now that the republicans are in control of both houses, I will be using my pen for two things, vetoes and executive actions.”

John Boehner (R. – Ohio) says that he thinks the President has ‘lost touch with reality.’

“Obama has no respect for the constitution, or the majority of people in this country. Insisting illegals register as democrats is the most outrageous move in the history of this country,” said Boehner. “We will fight this move through legal action, and push for impeachment proceedings if we can, but make no mistake, we will stop this President.”

The order grants illegal aliens in already in the U.S. full citizenship, as well as healthcare benefits and food assistance, and will begin registering the individuals as of January 1st.

Obama Enjoys D.C. Marijuana Legalization, Smokes Celebratory Blunt

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Voters in many states were able to cast their ballot on the topic of marijuana legalization yesterday, and in two of those elections, the people have spoken. Voters in Oregon and Washington D.C. have elected to allow marijuana use and possession among their citizens.

In Washington D.C., president Barack Obama, who freely admitted to smoking weed in the past, celebrated the news with a tightly rolled blunt and a few words for the people of the United States.

“As the President of the United States, there wouldn’t have been a lot of questioning if I wanted to sit in the Oval Office and rip a mad bong hit,” said Obama. “I didn’t, though, out of respect for the laws of the District, and of those states that had yet to pass laws to deregulate or legalize marijuana. Now that the voters in D.C. have spoken, though, I see no reason not to smoke a joint and relax with some Netflix and Fritos chips.”

Although the voters have spoken, the repealing of the laws actually wouldn’t take effect until signed by state congressional leaders. Residents of several states, including Florida, voted to keep or increase their marijuana laws.

“I don’t understand Florida, if I’m being honest,” said weed-smoking Miami resident John Peele. “I’ve been smoking illegally here for the last 30 years, and the vote for legalization for medical use can’t even been voted in? My God, Florida is 90% old people! They need weed for their cancer, cataracts, and confusion! They need it more than almost any other state in the country!”

“I don’t see marijuana being illegal that much longer,” said Aaron Silver, a D.C. resident who works in the White House. “It’s here in D.C., the backyard of the government, as it were. How long can we really keep throwing people in jail for growing a plant, anyway? Obama doesn’t have much time left in office, but here’s hoping that the ‘Change’ he kept talking about while running is about loosening marijuana laws.”

2014 Federal Tax Refunds To Be Delayed, Payments Won’t Arrive Until October 2015

Posted on October 18, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The deadline for filing your 2014 federal tax return has been April 15th for decades, with the last person who is owed a refund getting their payment usually by the end of May. This year, though, even with the advent of the internet and phone-filing systems, people who file early and folks who wait until the final deadline, are looking to have their refunds held back several months, with payouts not expected to happen until October of 2015.

The news of the major change was first broken by website National Report, who says that the Obama administration is purposely holding owed refunds to help save the government money. According to Report, the Federal Government returns around $350 billion dollars of what it has collected from taxes throughout the year, and withholding the payouts until October will allow the government to gain an additional $30 billion in interest and additional borrowing costs.

The change is not universal, though. The new rebate delay is only set to affect those who have filled under an individual status, meaning large corporations and businesses will still be eligible to receive any refunds owed almost immediately, while the rest of us wait.

“Your money is still coming, and we will not be holding back an extra cent,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Pulling back payments until the end of 2015 will help increase government earnings. This is merely a new structure to a system that has been in place for generations. Sometimes, change is inevitable.”

As many Americans rely every year on their tax returns, planning vacations, expensive purchases, and some even wisely putting it in savings or using it to pay rent or bills, this push could cause some headaches for those people who live paycheck-to-paycheck.

“It’s just awful, seriously awful,” said Marie Jordan, a mother of 5 young children in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts. “I was going to use my refund to hire a babysitter and take a 2-week cruise vacation to the Bahamas in March, all by myself. Maybe find a nice Cabana boy to take back to my stateroom. Apparently that’s not happening, now. I hate our government in times like this.”

Many taxpayers echoed Jordan’s feelings, saying that they need their money sooner rather than later.

“This is going to really kill my February,” said taxpayer Joe Goldsmith, a recently divorced bachelor in Missouri. “I work a crappy retail job, and barely can make ends meet on my weekly paycheck, so I was planning on doing an early file, and getting my money back by February. Even though my bitch ex-wife said I should save it for alimony, I was going to use it to buy a big screen TV and throw a Super Bowl bash for myself and some friends. I guess I will just watch the game alone on my 27″ tube TV instead. Thanks, Obama.”

According to Earnest, the deadline for filing your Federal Income Tax Returns will remain April 15th, with checks and direct deposits being made starting October 15, 2015.

Secret CDC Memos Reveal Strain of Ebola Virus Has Gone ‘Airborne’

Posted on October 17, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The threat of the Ebola virus has gripped the country over the last several weeks, spreading across social media and internet news sites faster than the actual virus, but the one topic that concerned people the most is the idea that Ebola, which is normally contracted through contaminated bodily fluids, had become an airborne disease, similar to the way the common cold and influenza viruses are spread.

Even now, the Center for Disease Control in Washington says that Ebola has not gone airborne, and that you are not likely to get it if you just follow normal health precautions; washing your hands after using the bathroom, washing fruits and vegetables before eating, saying your nightly prayers, and not licking the open sores of Ebola patients or dead.

All of that is ‘hogwash,’ though, according to a CDC insider who has obtained memos from high-ranking officials within the organization. He says that Ebola has mutated itself into an airborne disease, and that a worldwide pandemic is already underway.

“You’ve seen the news already about the government purchasing disposable coffins. Did you think that was a joke?” Said the CDC insider, who spoke to us anonymously. “Ebola is one of the deadliest diseases you can catch. Sure, only 2 people in the United States have it right now. Sure, it’s only killed about 5,000 people since 1976, compared to the almost 36,000 people who die of the flu every year. And sure, it’s hard to contract right now – but soon it won’t be.”

The anonymous source says that he obtained confidential memos that state that there is a strain of Ebola that the CDC is trying to hide, and that the viral nature of the new disease has already caused it to spread quickly.

“The standard Ebola is called EBOV, from its own genus, ebolavirus. The new strain is being referred to as EBON, from the genus ebolanet, stemming from the fact that Ebola has gone ‘airborne’ across the internet and social media, almost inciting a mass panic. Truth of the matter is, the odds of anyone in a first-world country with modern health technologies, like the United States, contracting the actual Ebola virus are near zero, but catching this new, panic-inducing media strain is almost a 100% certainty.”

The insider says that the best ways to avoid contracting this violent new strain of Ebola are to ‘ignore hype,’ ‘do your own research,’ and ‘stop believing everything you see on the internet.’

Maine Woman Claims ‘It’s the Government’s Fault I’m Lazy’

Posted on October 11, 2014 by Angela Baker

AUGUSTA, Maine –

Candi, 30, of Augusta, Maine, is a career welfare recipient who knows just who to blame for her station in life – and depending on who you ask, it’s either the least or most likely candidate: the US government.

“Honestly, I think it’s all part of the conspiracy to keep the poor white woman down. If Obama would get the economy together and make some better jobs, maybe I’d take one. But what am I going to do, go work at McDonalds, and deal with bitchy customers all day so I can make less than my assistance benefits? F— that,” said Candi, who said she’d only speak with us if we didn’t use her last name, which is Sutphen.

But according to Candi, since she has been out of the working world so long, even McDonalds doesn’t find her to be a worthy candidate. “No one wants to hire you when the last job you had was almost 6 years ago,” she claims. When asked how she got into the welfare system in the first place, Sutphen says the blame lies with Obama.

“He screwed the economy all up as soon as he got into office, and I got laid off from my great call center job. I got unemployment, and at first I did look for work, but after so much rejection, I stopped really trying, and just I’d applied for random jobs I knew were hiring, but I wasn’t even qualified for in the first place. Obama put through so many unemployment extensions, I had a free ride for almost two years.” Candi says by the end of her time on unemployment, she had given birth to a daughter, Emma, and switched over to Maine’s Temporary Assistance for Needy Families program. That was 3 years ago.

“I tell you what. If I ever did have to find a job, like really find a job, I’d make sure they scheduled me just enough so I didn’t lost my benefits. My friend Desiree works full-time, and now she doesn’t qualify for food stamps or heating assistance. She’s more broke now than she ever was before,” stated Candi. “People think my life is easy. Essentially I’m getting paid to sit on Facebook all day. Granted, that’s nice, but it gets boring, and boring is hard. I’m actually very depressed now. After a full day of watching Judge Judy and Maury, I don’t even feel like doing the dishes.”

The TANF program in Maine has a five-year cap on benefits. When asked what she would do after that, Candi answered, “If things keep going on like this I’m going to apply for disability. Either my lungs are gonna go from these cheap cigarettes I’m forced to smoke, or my doctor at the free clinic says I’ll get it for my depression.”

When asked what would help turn things around, Candi brightened a little. “If I had a car I think I’d be happier, and if I was happier I’d be much more motivated to look for work. I mean, we can afford to drop all these bombs, and feed people overseas, but we can’t make sure our own citizens have transportation. That’s seriously messed up,” said Candi. “I’m not asking for anything fancy like a Subaru or nothing. Just something like a Jetta or a Neon, you know? Not too old, though. Yeah, that would truly make me the happiest girl in the world.”

President Obama To Offer Asylum, Health Care Options To ISIS Members

Posted on October 10, 2014 by admin

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A White House official confirmed this morning that President Barack Obama will be delivering a speech on Friday evening explaining his plan to offer asylum and free health care to ISIS members, with hopes of dismantling the organization by getting members to leave their fellow fighters and home country to seek refuge in the United States.

President Obama, who sources say already expects some backlash on his decision to ‘kill ISIS with kindness,’ says that he feels that he knows what is best for the US, and will be pushing the bill through in the next couple of weeks while Congress takes its recurring 7 week recess.

“I have done many great things as President of this country,” said Obama via written brief statement to the press, “But ISIS members, terrorists in general, they need to know they are not stuck in their evil ways. We as a country have plenty of room to accept all people, and I am opening our borders and our metaphoric arms to them by offering asylum, jobs, and healthcare. Killing them with kindness, breaking down the walls, is what we need to do to beat these villains. I want everyone to love this country as much as I do.”

“I do not agree with the President’s plan. It is moronic. He is inviting some of the cruelest, hate filled people into our country, and then offering them free health care,” said Texas Governor Rick Perry. “If there was ever a way to make your numbers go down in the popularity polls, this would be it.”

President Obama says will go more into detail on Friday about what exactly he plans to offer the former ISIS members that decide to leave their home country and come to the U.S. According to reports, the President expects to start receiving the first refugees by the end of the month.

Obama Admits To Forging Birth Certificate; President Not Natural-Born U.S. Citizen

Posted on September 26, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It looks as though many Republicans and ‘birthers’ were right all along. In a press conference this morning from the White House, President Obama admitted that he had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not a natural-born U.S. citizen.

“It’s true that I was not born here in this great country,” said the President in his speech. “That does not mean, though, that I have not led us through some great times. I have fought hard to make sure we are protected. I almost single-handedly killed that son of a b—- bin Laden. I have driven us into, and then right back out of, a horrible recession. I knew what needed to be done to get to where I am, and so I had to make it happen.”

President Obama has been the talk of many conspiracy theories over the course of his presidency, beginning while he was still running for office. At one point in time, a poll showed that over 50% of people in the Republican party thought that Obama had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not constitutionally allowed to be president. These people, often referred to as ‘birthers’, hold onto one of several theories, including that the president was born in Kenya, that he is a dual US/UK citizen, or that he is of Indonesian citizenship. The rumors and theories became so bad that in 2008, President Obama released what is now being found to be a forged birth certificate, stating he was born in Hawaii.

“I had to do what I did to become president,” continued Obama. “Yes, the birth certificate is a forgery. No, I was not born in Hawaii – my God, do I even look like I was born in Hawaii? Don’t answer that, actually. Regardless – as your elected leader, I plan to continue to run this country the best that I can for the remainder of my term, and prove to everyone that a strong leader can come from anywhere, and still take over this great land.”

Before the announcement, President Obama went through the motions of giving himself an executive pardon, making it impossible to stand accountable for breaking the law, something that until this presidency, no one had ever considered possible.

“I have pardoned myself for my crimes, and for lying to the country,” said the President. “Therefore, I will not be able to be arrested or taken into custody. In the eyes of our great judicial system, I have now done nothing wrong.”

Despite the shock of the announcement, and the surprise of the pardon, many reporters at the White House were still wondering where Obama was actually born, if the entire time his birth certificate had just been a ruse.

“I am so glad that you asked that,” said Obama. “To be truthful – no, I am not from this great nation. Nor was I born in Kenya. To be fair, I am actually not even of this world. I come from a distant planet, known as Garlarktaschpel, which when translated to English becomes ‘Change.’ I am, indeed, the most illegal kind of alien there is.”

“I have tried to tell you all from the beginning that ‘Change’ was coming, and I am making this announcement now to let you know that ‘Change’ is very near. My people, the Changers, are nearing Earth. We are coming. The Changers will bring life to those who deserve it, and death to the remaining. It will be The Rapture. It will be the end for most. If you thought you feared ‘Change’ before, then just wait for what’s coming.”