Pope Francis Announces Presidential Run in 2016

Posted on August 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VATICAN, Rome –

Pope Francis, who is known for ardently following United States politics, has said that he has decided to throw his Mitre in the presidential ring, stating that he “didn’t see a worthwhile” candidate, and felt he could do a better job.

“Popes have been running the Catholic Church, as well as Vatican City, for longer than anyone could possibly remember,” said the Pope in a prepared statement. “I have done so many good things for our religion since I took a seat as the Pontiff, and now I want to step away from just religion, and plan to run for President of the United States in 2016.”

Catholics around the globe say that this current Pope would make a fine Commander In Chief, and that his stern political leanings wouldn’t cause any problems when running the country.

“Frankly, the United States has had 43 purported Christians as leaders of the free world, and not a single one of them knew a thing about the Lord,” said Cardinal Joseph, of Rome. “His Holiness is a real man of the cloth, a real leader, and could bring back the spirituality that the United States has long since forgotten about.”

In recent polls, Americans seem to be favoring two current candidates, Bernie Sanders, an Independent, and – unbelievably – Donald Trump, a bag of Hot Air.

“I honestly believe that both of those men are decent people. Well, at least Mr. Sanders is,” said the Pope. “But frankly, neither man knows anything about leading, and neither man knows anything about One Nation Under God. With me as president, we can make this One World Under God, and that’s what the American People need. See you in 2016.”

With the Catholic Church and the Vatican being worth an estimated $15 billion dollars, political analysts are saying that Pope Francis may very well have this election in the bag.

Secret Emails Reveal Hillary Only Running To Be Able To Have Affair In Oval Office

Posted on May 22, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A shocking set of emails were leaked on the internet this morning which seem to indicate a romantic fling between presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, and an anonymous stranger. In the emails, Hillary indicates that she is only running for president so that when she wins, she can “take a pounding” on the resolute desk in the Oval Office, much as her husband, former president Bill Clinton, was said to do while serving in office.

“Ohh…Billy thinks he’s the only one who can get some in the Oval Office? Screw him – I cannot wait to [expletive remove] your huge [expletive removed] with my tight [expletive removed] and my sopping wet [expletive removed],” read the email from Hillary’s private GMail email account. Responses included “mmm” and “Ohh yeah, Hills, tell me all about it, baby.” The anonymous emailer has not been identified. His email address is listed in the leak as 2Big4DatPoon6969@sexmail.com

Clinton’s handlers and campaign team say that the leaks are “completely fabricated” and that if they were real, they probably are “coming from the desk of her husband.”

“Former president Bill Clinton has a fun sense of humor, as well as some…kinks…and often likes to pretend he’s a random guy from the internet, hitting on his own wife,” said Clinton’s spokeswoman Gene Chandler. “We all have our sexual vices, that’s his. It’s really the private business of two consenting adults, and this leak is being researched.”

Bill Clinton, who was reached for comment at his family’s home in Arkansas, said that he doesn’t even know how to use emails, but that after being informed of their content, said that it was “pretty hot.”

After Years As #1 Write-In Candidate, Mickey Mouse Announces Official Presidential Run

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Long touted as a possible presidential candidate, Mickey Mouse has finally announced that he’ll be running for the post in the 2016 elections. He is the second to officially make known his intentions for the campaign. Ted Cruz was the first, although many may fail to see the difference between the two candidates.

“Everyone has always spoken about a Mickey Mouse President,” said Mouse. “Now we can finally have one.”

Mouse stated that he’ll be campaigning to be both the Democrat and Republican frontrunner. This, he says, will continue a long tradition of having colloquially termed Mickey Mouse’s playing a part in the build-up of both parties’ campaigns.

“Everyone loves me – I’ve learned that in all my years at Disneyland. And although kids are sometimes scared of me, I’ve never told them that the world is on fire, which already puts me at an advantage over Ted [Cruz].”

Disneyland has released a statement in response to their long-serving mouse’s unexpected announcement.

“We are surprised but enthusiastic about Mickey’s new endeavor,” it read. “Mickey has been a staple of the Disney empire for many decades, and a presidential run will only contribute to his future position. Of course, everyone must remember that he is a trademark of The Walt Disney Company, and that will not change, even if he is to lead our illustrious nation.”

Mouse responded, saying, “I will always hold The Walt Disney Company in my heart – they placed a trademark label in there after all – but will not be a slave to them. When I am president, I will no longer have time for my duties there. It pains me to say it, but the government of the USA is slightly more important to Americans than Disney. When I am elected, I will ensure that Disney are paid out appropriate compensation for the termination of my never ending contract to them.”

Unemployment Benefits To Be Eliminated Due To Poor Economy

Posted on March 18, 2015 by JP

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The economy has been on a financial roller coaster for the last few years, and many American people have found themselves out of a job. With this poor economy, a lot of families have had to rely on unemployment benefits, but it appears that they will have to find another way to fend for themselves.

Due to the poor economy, government officials have announced that all unemployment benefits will be terminated until the country has enough stabilized their financial woes.

“The goal here is to have laid off workers attempt a different job field, or lower their standards for work,” said White House Spokesman Richard Miller. “Too many people are sitting home waiting for the perfect job to come around, and collected money for it, and that’s not helping to boost our nation’s economy, or our nation’s workforce.”

Miller says that hopes are that this push will have more American people back in the work field, even if it happens to be a job that they have never had before. They are claiming that this is a ‘tough love’ type of way to go about it, but feel that it will boost the economy in the long run.

“A lot of benefits were given out in the past decade, and it hasn’t seemed to help the economy grow at all. This is causing the country to lose a large amount of money, which is building up our debt,” said Miller. “For crying out loud, get out there and get a goddamn job and stop living off those of us that work our asses off.”

Alternative options are being thrown around to how people can find work or if they don’t agree with the decision. It is being suggested that all citizens that collect unemployment benefits should look for jobs as low as a paper boy or babysitting, and work on how they can budget their lives.

Democrats Form League of Legends Pro Team to Gain Gamer Election Support

Posted on March 18, 2015 by Justin Birch

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Democratic Party has made a move that no one anticipated, to secure votes from a substantial population. Hot on the heels of a new season for the game League of Legends comes Team Pro Democrat, or TPD for short.

The team will be led by possible Presidential Candidate, and Former U.S. Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. President Obama has shown interest in taking over the team when his presidency ends, stating “it would be great to stay in the game after 2016.” The team, backed by taxpayer dollars, has also hired several pro gaming trainers from Korean to help TPD climb from bronze ranking to the world champions.

“By competing and doing well, we’re hoping to gain the respect of fellow gamers,” Clinton said.

Experts say dedicated gamers generally don’t vote at all, since they are “too busy grinding away at their MMO of choice to bother keeping up on the debates, or even registering to vote for that matter.” By winning the support and respect of a few highly influential members of the gaming community, a very wide audience will be reached.

Republican congress members seem to have begun following suit, building a roster of team members to counteract this newfound avenue of campaigning. Marc Merill, president of Riot Games – the company behind League of Legends – said that he sees a “new era on the horizon” for eSports, and fully expects all government disputes to be settled on the Fields of Justice.

In the mean time, President Obama has officially declared League of Legends as America’s National MMO.

Michelle Obama To Pose Fully Nude In Playboy Centerfold

Posted on March 9, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Michelle Obama has made a name for herself as a particularly active and community-oriented first lady. Now the mastermind between the Healthy Eating Act is taking her public relations a step further. She has announced that she will be posing fully nude in an upcoming Playboy centerfold.

“Women’s issues are always at the top of my agenda,” she stated in an open letter to the public. “Something that has plagued modern day females is expectations of modesty and shame about how they look. While women such as Lena Dunham have done their bit to change the norms of girls being ashamed to show their ‘societally imperfect’ bodies, the First Lady appearing naked will make body pride all the more normal.”

President Obama has expressed his support and delight at his wife’s announcement.

“Michelle is a very sexy lady. She should have the privilege that any other woman has, to show the sides of herself that she chooses,” he told the press. “The First Lady has the right to bare arms. And legs. And thighs, and breasts.”

Conservative radio personality, Rush Limbaugh, has used his platform to bemoan what he calls “proof that liberals are bringing on the Apocalypse.”

“First, they took over Hollywood and practically turned acting into nothing more than pornography,” he raged. “Now they are going way too far. The First Lady should be a role model, not a Playboy model. What about the children? Has she forgotten about the children?”

But not all conservatives feel the same way. Republican senator Mitch Mcconnell has voiced his approval at the groundbreaking news.

“I think it’s sweet,” he wrote on his blog, ‘Republican Matters’. “Michelle is a close friend of mine, and I’ve always thought she’d look good in the buff. If anything, it’s a travesty she’s kept her body from us this long. The First Lady belongs to the people, and the people have spoken. It is time to see Michelle Obama’s lady bits.”

Hulk Hogan Announces 2016 Presidential Run

Posted on February 24, 2015 by JP

CLEARWATER, Florida –

A wrestling icon will be attempting a new career path next year by seeking to become the next President of the United States of America. Terry Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan, has announced today that he will be running for President in 2016, and plans on winning, brother.

“I’m sick of the way things are being done in this country, brother, and I believe it is high time I rip off this graphic t-shirt, throw on a suit and tie, and take these 24-inch Pythons to Washington, brother!” said Hogan. He went on to say that he will begin to tour the nation to help raise funds for his campaign, and feels his fans will back him on his decision.

“Listen hear brother! I’m going to be the best President this country has ever seen, brother. I’m going to bring this country to a standing ovation when they realize that a real man is in the office, brother. If a body builder can be the Govenor of California, there is no reason a wrestling icon can’t take the whole country, Brother.” said Hogan. “I am a real American, and I will fight for the rights of every man. I’ll fight for what’s right, I’ll fight for your lives, brother!”

Some political insiders say that they think the entire announcement was just a publicity stunt, and once Hogan gets the camera back on him, his attempts will fizzle away. Hogan, who has been retired from wrestling for years, still appears at main events from time to time for the WWE. He also was the star of his own reality show, Hogan Knows Best.

Obama Ask Congress To Approve Sale Of Alaska To Chinese Government, Hopes To Pay Off National Debt

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama shocked congress today when he announced that he has been secretly talking to the Chinese government about selling Alaska. Obama promised the sale of Alaska to the Chinese in hopes that he would be able to pay off the national debt. He also stated that he sees no logical reason why congress should not approve of it.

“For the past several months I’ve been secretly negotiating with President Xi Jinping of China,” announced President Obama. ”Alaska actually is a pretty expensive piece of land with all it’s gold and oil, and President Jinping is will to pay the value of our national debt, a little over 18 trillion, which we have come to figure is just only slight above 1 trillion over market value. With those numbers, even the most racist republicans can’t say that’s a bad deal.”

Obama says that although he feels that China being so close to the United States and Canada could later have disatrous effects, the ability to pay off completely the debt owed by the country would be an immense relief.

“When congress approves of the sale, our nation will be debt free, and that’s a good thing. Ever since I took office, all I have heard is ‘national debt’ this, and ‘national debt’ that, and what am I going to do about it? Well, I did something, now it’s in the Republicans hands to finish the deal.”

“I think it’s a great idea, as all of Obama’s ideas have been so far,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. ”I know that I never personally considered Alaska part of America anyway. The only people who live there are freedom loving gun nuts like Sarah Palin, and that’s not what America is about anymore.”

Not everyone shares the same optimism about the sale as President Obama and other democrats, though.

“Alaskans won’t stand for it, that’s for sure! We may be different, but we are not crazy,” said former Alaskan governer Sarah Palin. ”Who does Obama think he is? How about reducing the debt by spending less, that’s how we do it in the Palin household. I don’t think Obama could even balance his own checkbook, never mind clearing out our national debt!”

“Theres not a chance in hell this will pass,” said Rep. John Boehner. ”The President is out of touch with reality. I wake up every day and say to myself:’ just two more years…just two more years…'”

Chelsea Clinton Announces Plan To Run Against Her Mother In 2016 Presidential Primary

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an unexpected move, Chelsea Clinton has announced her plans to run in the presidential primaries in 2016. This will be the first time a mother and daughter have competed against each other for the official hot seat.

Although she has no political experience, the 34-year-old says that her father’s time as president has put her in good stead.

“Old Bill provided a good role model for me,” she stated in a letter to the press. “He did some really good stuff while in office, but that Monica Lewinsky business – that’s what stuck with most people. I know it’s not popular to say, but it kinda saved his reputation. Were it not for that public stain, the metaphoric one, not the literal one, he’d barely be remembered as the butter between the Bush sandwich. So I know what I have to do if things start going downhill.”

She also said that her mother’s position as secretary of state, as well as her own failed and current presidential bids, have only helped her cause.

“My mom’s the favorite among the Democrats, even though no one likes her. Let’s face it – I’m the only likeable Clinton left.”

Political analysts are divided on what this fresh candidate will mean for 2016. A handful believe she has a chance, because the public are desperate enough to try anything that hasn’t been tried before.

“She’ll probably be shit, but we just cannot know,” said CNN correspondent Merson Mandzukic. “For all we know it will be the best thing to happen to this country. Imagine, for example, that Sarah Palin had been our vice-president, or even president. Most of us shudder at the thought, but could a bumbling idiot with no bad intentions really be worse than some of the dross we’ve had down the line?”

Others have been less kind. Fox reporter, Olga Brown, believes this is the worst thing that could have happened to politics.

“It breaks all the rules of politics,” she was heard complaining to a coworker. “A political career based entirely on the reputation of the family? George Bush, Sr. would be turning in his grave if he was dead.”

Patriots Coach Bill Belichick Eyed By Political Parties For Presidential Nomination

Posted on January 31, 2015 by ZGHarris

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

Bill Belichick’s image may be seen on more popular sports websites soon, as whispers across the Beltway indicate that the New England Patriot’s coach is now a recruitment target of the political elite.

With the Super Bowl fast approaching, many have their minds locked into the strategies and game plans that will be employed by the Patriots and Seattle Seahawks. However, according to sources, some big-wigs in the political realm have their eyes set on one particular mastermind for a wholly different reason.

“Bill Belichick would be a great ‘get’ for any political party,” a Capitol Hill source stated. “Think about it. Football is the new opiate of the masses, and you have an entire section of America, an important voting sector, that love that man more than their mothers. To harness the power of sporting fandom and translate it to politics would be a surefire way to gain footing in the political realm.”

His popularity isn’t the only reason Belichick is being sought after, though, according to the source. “The way he’s handled controversy with ease is the envy of many on The Hill. Most of the political elite can be brought down by a single scandal. But not Belichick.”

It is true that Belichick has somehow been able to remain relatively unscathed. In 2007, New England was caught taping opponents practices, and escaped with just fines. Now, in 2015, the Patriots were found to be deflating footballs. The latter controversy was all be squashed only a week after it was noted. Anyone can get away with a single controversy through nothing more than luck. However, the Patriots leader has now survived two without so much as a hint at resignation.

The unnamed source continued by saying, “Spygate showed he had what it takes to survive a political storm. But Deflategate is where he showed that he has that impervious spirit of politics, and is immune to the ire of the populous. That shows true talent and any part would be lucky to have him.”

When asked which party has attempted to court Belichick, the source laughed, stating, “I can’t think of a party that hasn’t offhand. Maybe the Boiling Frog Party in Colorado? Everyone wants him. They want to make him President. And if he’s even remotely interested, they will make it happen.”