Woman Takes Testosterone Supplements While Pregnant To Make Baby More ‘Manly’

Posted on January 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TORONTO, Canada –

Tragically, Kathy Martin did not know the consequences or seek a doctor’s advice before taking testosterone supplements while pregnant. She says her husband, Dave, encouraged her to take them so their baby boy would be more masculine than their first child.

Their newborn son was delivered 5 weeks premature, suffering from severe birth defects. Androgen supplements are considered a class D drug and should obviously never be used during pregnancy.

“We just didn’t want another little flamer like the last one,” says David, who is facing criminal charges for supplying the supplements to his wife after purchasing them illegally over the internet. “Don’t get me wrong, we love our oldest son, but at four years old you can already see the he is afflicted with the disease of faggotry. He says his favorite color is pink and his favorite movie is The Little Mermaid. That’s not the son I wanted, but yeah, we love him. He’s from my loins, unfortunately.”

Kathy says, “As a good Christian woman it is my responsibility to honor and obey my husband without question. He assured me there would be no risks to the baby, and that the mustache I grew would surely fall right off after the baby was born.”

Both parents are being investigated by child protective services as well as local police.

Man Arrested After Stealing Money From Step-Daughter’s Piggy Bank

Posted on January 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSBAD, California –

Charlotte Melcher, age 7, called 911 all by herself to report that her stepfather, Drew Ellis, had stolen her money. Ellis admitted to police he had taken ten one dollar bills from the piggy bank to buy beer and cigarettes.

On the 911 call Charlotte says, “That was my money. Mine! I earned it doing chores and from Christmas. I told him not to take it!”

Police in Carlsbad did not take the offense lightly, charging Ellis with petty larceny after he admitted taking the money.

Mother Sierra Melcher says she thinks the arrest was unfounded and says Ellis would have replaced the money when he got paid. “I told Charlotte not to worry about it. I didn’t know she would call 911. Of course I don’t dare to spank her for doing it. Not now that I know she knows how to call the police. Next thing I know I’d be the one getting arrested.”

Ellis could not be reached for comment, but his lawyer, Joe Wickersham, says he is confident the case will be dismissed. The district attorney says that he is pushing for the maximum of 2 years in prison for the crime.

Woman Sells Her 2-Year-Old Son On Craigslist To Get Money For Abortion

Posted on January 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

Marlene Jones, 23, was arrested for attempting to sell her 2-year-old son Jamal to a couple via Craigslist. Jones says that she needed the money for an abortion.

“Look, I already hads the one kid, and it was too damn much just feeding his ass and shit,” said Jones. “Then I found out that Marques got me pregnant. Or Damien did. Or Leon. Shit, it don’t matter who the baby daddy is. Alls I’m saying is that no one was giving me no $400 to go get rid of the kid, so better to kill two birds with one stone, anyway.”

Jones says that getting pregnant with her son Jamal was also an accident, and it ‘ruined her life.’

“Everyone kept telling me to keep him. They saying stuff like ‘Oh, you don’t want him now, but carry the baby and when he comes out you’ll never love anything more,'” said Jones. “I don’t know why I be listening to dumb bitches. I love plenty of things more. I love my Gucci bag more than Jamal for shit sake. I definitely ain’t about to be having no other one.”

The couple who were planning on purchasing Jamal said that they were “only doing it to help the child,” and see that he didn’t stay in an unwanted home. They are being charged in separate crimes by police.

Town Creates Mandatory Bedtime For Children Under 18

Posted on January 11, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

KATHRYN, North Dakota –

The small town of Kathryn in North Dakota recently held their monthly city council meeting, where members voted in favor of a mandatory bedtime of 8 PM for children under 12, and 10 PM for children aged 13-17. They expect the new rules will help with the town’s growing “discipline” problem that prevents almost half of teenagers from graduating high school. This is expected to give parents more tools in keeping their children in line.

Liam Harvey, father of five legitimate children and two others, complains that, “The belt’s just not working on kid’s today. I locked mine in the broom closet, till an officer told me I couldn’t do that no more. I’m as pleased as punch the law’ll do the dirty work for me now.”

Selectman Rob Bankes “We aren’t going to be taking babies out of their cribs for being up at 2 am. This is about kids who are being raised to be good for nothin’s with no sense of responsibility. Early to bed early to rise keeps idle hands from becoming the devil’s plaything.”

Although Kathryn’s population is only approximately 60 citizens, Bankes expects other small town’s in North Dakota will follow their example.

Loni Jane Anthony Plans On Having A Second Baby, Keeping It On Extreme Diet

Posted on January 8, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Loni Jane Anthony, the woman who was criticized for her extreme 80/10/10 vegan diet, says she plans to have another child to replace her first born, who has developed a taste for meat.

After living a life filled with booze and bad food choices, Anderson adapted a “healthy diet,” created by Dr. Douglas Graham, of 80% fruits and vegetables, 10% protein, and 10% fat. She received criticism from many on the internet who said she did not eat enough fat and protein during her first pregnancy. Thankfully, her growing baby sucked all the minerals and fats it needed from her brain and bones, and little Rowdy came out happy and healthy.

Anthony, who said at first she would raise her baby as vegan, and respect the choices he made later in life, has now reportedly gone back on her word. She announced on her Twitter page that she is planning on having another baby to replace ‘the bad apple,’ who is now three years old.

“Rowdy begs and cries for Happy Meals, T-bone steaks, and bison burgers. I am not raising my child on meat!” said Anthony. “It was bad enough he insisted on so much breast milk as a baby. Breast milk is dairy! Dairy is fat! We made him so many delicious smoothies, and all he wanted was milk. Now that he’s older, he wants cheeseburgers! I won’t have it. I’m disowning him, and starting over. I plan to create a baby race of healthy dieters.”

Many followers of Anthony claim that she is probably only doing this for the publicity, as her Instagram and Twitter shots have been sluggish and boring, and getting less likes and shares lately.

“She’s losing steam, I tell you, and the diet clearly isn’t working as well, if you know what I mean,” said Instagram user FollowMeForLikes. “She’s just drumming up interest in her stupid diet again. If you ask me, that 10% fat is going straight to her ass.”

Baby Born With Face On Torso and No Head Might Be ‘Creepiest Ever,’ Says Doctor

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

A baby born earlier this week has an extremely rare disease that has caused it to not have a head, but have its face on its torso, is being described by doctors as the ‘creepiest thing’ that they have ever seen.

“Holy shit, I’m not kidding when I said it’s disturbing,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who delivered the baby. “I almost vomited all over the place. Not from disgust, really, just from the shocking nature of it. It’s insane. I don’t even want to look at it.”

The child, whose mother has asked not to be named, is one of only 3 or 4 known cases of what doctors call Ichabod Crane Syndrome, named after the famous story of the Headless Horseman.

“It’s extremely rare, and thank God for that,” said Dr. Brown. “I can’t believe I delivered that baby. It’s a miracle, sure, and it’s definitely a child of God, they all are – but holy fuck you guys, did you see it?”

Mommy and baby, who has been named Brayden, are reportedly doing fine.

Baby Born With Facial Features Of Elephant Gets Mother Arrested On Beastiality Charges

Posted on December 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

A San Diego woman, Julie Clarke, 30, was arrested on possible beastiality charges after her baby, who was born almost 9 weeks premature, was delivered and had facial features of an elephant.

“We are extremely excited and immensely disturbed that this child was born,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of the San Diego Medical Center. “Excited because it would be the first case of a sort of ‘natural’ gene combing, forming a new species. We are disturbed because the only way that this baby could have been made was because his mother had sex with an elephant.”

Clarke, who happens to be an employee at the San Diego Zoo, says that she didn’t have sex with an elephant, although she does say that she has no idea who the father of her baby is.

“I was going through a bit of a phase late last year into the beginning of this year,” said Clarke. “I was pretty much screwing anything that moved. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship, so it’s what you do, you know? I think I’d remember having sex with an elephant though. Wouldn’t I? I mean seriously? I drank a ton at that point, but…Oh God, did I fuck an elephant and forget about it?”

Doctors are working closely with police investigators to see if Clarke should be charged with beastiality, or if some other sort of genetic malfunction caused the elephant face of the baby.

“One thing is certain, though, regardless of whether Ms. Clarke remembers having sex with an elephant,” said Dr. Brown. “The elephant, wherever he is, definitely remembers. After all, an elephant never forgets.”

Tree That Resembles Nude Woman Will Reportedly Get You Pregnant If You Touch It

Posted on December 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BILLINGS, North Carolina –

A tree that has stood in the Westfield Park in Billings, North Carolina for over 80 years is reportedly one of the most incredible trees in the world. While most trees just give life through oxygen, this specific tree can apparently give a completely different kind of life, as women who have visited and touched the tree have reported immediate instance of pregnancy.

“It was the strangest thing, honestly,” said Marsha Smith, 22. “My boyfriend and I visited the tree, and we were sitting underneath. He commented how crazy it was that it looked like a nude woman, and that he was strangely turned on by it. One thing lead to another, and we went at it right there under the tree. Anyway, before we left, I walked over and put my hand on the tree, and a few weeks later I found out I was pregnant!”

Other women have also reported that they too were impregnated by the tree, which locals have dubbed “The Tree of Life.”

“I went up to the Tree of Life, and I touched her and said a silent prayer that maybe I could get pregnant,” said Eileen Dover, 24. “My husband and I had been trying for over a year, and no go. I went home that day and felt a little ill, so I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. My husband and I hadn’t had sex in like a week, so I know it wasn’t him that got me pregnant. Sperm doesn’t last that long in your body, so it was truly a miracle!”

Researchers say that the tree itself is probably not magical in any way, and that women just need to better understand how babies are made.

Mall Santa Arrested After Punching Little Boy Who Urinated On His Lap

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

Charles DeMar, 60, was arrested this week after he punched a 4-year-old child in the face who accidentally urinated on his lap. DeMar, who has been playing Santa Claus in a mall in Bangor, Maine for the last 4 years, reportedly “flipped out” according to witnesses, when a young child urinated on him while asking for presents.

“Oh man, it was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen,” said mall shopper Joanne Lewis. “Santa grabbed the kid by the back of his coat and held him up. He was yelling and shouting and calling the kid a ‘dumb little motherfucker,’ and then he proceeded to punch the poor kid in the face 3 or 4 times. The mother was screaming her head off.”

Mall security rushed to the Santa area, where they tackled DeMar and rushed the child to a local medical center. DeMar was detained until Maine State Police were able to arrive.

“That little sonofabitch, he’s definitely going on the naughty list,” said DeMar during police questioning. “He pissed on me on purpose, I know he did. I told him that he could choose one or two toys to ask for, but that greedy little asshole had a 12-page list of things he wanted. He deserved the beating, and I’m glad to have been the one to have given it to him.”

DeMar is being held until his arraignment. The boy’s parents have stated they plan on filing a lawsuit against both DeMar and the Bangor Mall.

30-Year-Old Man With Perpetual Baby Face Is Father To Newborn Son With Creepy, Adult Man Face

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

Frankie Clemons, 30, has a rare condition that makes his face appear to be an infant’s. It’s something that he has learned to deal with over the course of his life, answering many questions about it along the way, as he gets stares and gawks while walking down the street.

The stares may begin to double, though, as Clemons’ newborn son, Joey, has the exact opposite problem.

“Joey was born with a similar condition to mine, in that his face is that of a full-grown, adult man,” said Clemons. “My issue is that my face looks like it did when I was a baby, and it never changed. I’m used to it, but I was really hoping that it would not be passed to my son. My wife is a ‘normal,’ so I was really anticipating Joey being normal as well.”

Doctors say they are baffled as to why Frankie and his son both have such a rare, untreatable condition.

“They’ve never been able to figure out, exactly, what is wrong with me, so I assume that they’ll have the same issues with Joey,” said Clemons. “I’ve considered plastic surgery, but honestly, the doctors have told me straight-out they’d have no idea where to begin. I’m happy, though. I’ve got a great wife, and a new son, and we’re doing fine. We’re healthy, it’s just how we look. Frankly, there are lot more ugly looking people out there than us. So I’m a babyface, what’s the big deal?”