Bill Cosby On Ferguson Riots: ‘Anything To Get The News Media Off My Ass’

Posted on November 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Comedian Bill Cosby has been the butt of many jokes and the talk of the media lately, as allegations of rape and sexual assault have sprung up from several women, including former model Janice Dickinson and Law & Order: SVU actress Michel Hurd.

Despite these horrendous stories overtaking his entire life and ruining a career most people assumed ended in 1992, Cosby has been relatively quiet about the allegations, only speaking once to deny any wrong-doing, and otherwise deflecting comments to his lawyers and agents.

Cosby had a new, planned series put on indefinite hiatus by NBC, a Netflix stand-up special cancelled, and even TV Land stopped showing old episodes of The Cosby Show – because obviously you aren’t allowed to be entertained by him anymore now that you know he’s an (alleged) rapist.

Because he’s prominent and black, Cosby was asked this morning about the horrors of the Ferguson, Missouri riots that are happening in the wake of the Michael Brown shooting verdict.

“Whatever keeps the news media off my ass is fine by me,” said Cosby. “My ass is old and tired, and doesn’t need this kind of abuse. Them Ferguson folks can loot, pillage, plunder, riot, murder – whatever they gotta do to make themselves happy. The longer it goes, the less people will be thinking about me. Instead of a 12-hour exposé on whether or not I raped a bunch of women, CNN can do one on race relations in Missouri. Now please – just let me enjoy my pudding pops in peace.”

If you’re feeling a bout of extreme pity or you have an unbreakable nostalgic urge for sweaters, you can catch Cosby on his national stand-up tour happening now through May, 2015.

Bellator MMA To Produce Celebrity Fight Tournament Series For SpikeTV

Posted on November 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEWPORT BEACH, California –

Bellator MMA, the country’s second-largest mixed martial arts promotion, announced today that they would be putting together a celebrity tournament featuring some major names in Hollywood. They are hoping to use these fights to increase their television ratings, as well as bring more notice to their fighters and promotion as a whole.

Founder Bjorn Rebney started Bellator MMA in 2008 as the Bellator Fighting Championship (Bellator is latin for “warrior”) as a competitor to the uber-popular UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, which has been televising MMA fights since 1993. In the last several years, Bellator has slowly gained almost a cult-following of fans, who closely follow their 8-man tournaments, which are set up as a counter-action to the individual one-off fights presented by the UFC.

Rebney announced the new event from the company’s headquarters in Newport Beach, California.

“It is with great pleasure that I announce the new incarnation of Bellator MMA with our Celebrity Fights Tournament!” Said Rebney during his press conference. “We are very excited to work with our group of stars, to help train them, and get them ring-ready to beat the living hell out of each other.”

The announced celebrities that have already signed on the dotted line for the fights include Academy Award winning actors Matt Damon and Edward Norton, Danny DeVito, cult film director Kevin Smith, pop-star Justin Timberlake, pussy-boy Michael Cera, every woman’s masturbatory fantasy Channing Tatum, and for some bizarre reason, 90s rapper Coolio.

The tournament will take place in mid-January, and will be televised on SpikeTV in the U.S. and CTV in Canada. Bellator’s normal rules will apply, as each celebrity is paired off against another in an 8-man bi-weekly staggered tournament, which will be compromised of three, 5-minute rounds each. The winner will be given $100,000 for his favorite charity and, like any Bellator tournament winner, will be able to challenge current champion Vitaly Minakov of Russia. Minakov has been the Bellator heavyweight champion since November of 2013, and is expected to completely destroy any of the celebrities who may challenge him, especially Danny DeVito.

So far, a few of the celebrities have already been seen in gyms bulking up for their fight, including Edward Norton, who is looking to put back on all the American History X muscle and defeat Cera, who has been selected as his opponent for the first round.

“I know that I can beat him right to the ground. Who hasn’t wanted to punch Michael Cera in the face on more than one occasion? Jesus, did you guys see Year One? He deserves to be beaten into oblivion for making bad movies,” said Norton, apparently forgetting he starred in The Incredible Hulk.

Bellator MMA is said to already be seeking fighters for their next celebrity tournament, and has reportedly reached out to funny man Seth Rogen, Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston, and Star Wars creator George Lucas. So far, no one else has signed-on officially, but speculation is high that everyone will be on board.

New Hollywood Trend Has Celebrities Getting Baby Pig Semen Injections To Look Younger

Posted on November 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Celebrities and movie stars in Hollywood and Los Angeles are always on the cutting edge of treatments to make themselves appear younger and sexier. From lip injections to smoothing out crow’s-feet, there aren’t many things that some celebrities won’t try to keep their famous-faces looking ageless. A new trend in Hollywood has emerged in the last several months, as doctors report that many A-list stars are now skipping the toxins of chemicals like Botox and injecting a much more natural substance – baby pig semen.

“Baby pig semen is an all-natural way to smooth out age lines, especially in the face and hands,” said Dr. Aaron Silver, plastic surgeon at the Goldsmith Medical Center in Los Angeles. “We inject a small amount around the eyes, lips, in the cheeks, or anywhere else that someone would want tighter, smoother skin. Over the course of several weeks, and approximately 3-5 injections, the loose skin becomes completely rejuvenated.”

The treatments are still awaiting full FDA approval, but that doesn’t make it illegal for the semen to be injected by a trained professional.

“Dr. Silver has given me the semen injections several times,” said a Hollywood legend who wished to remain anonymous. “My eyes look like they did when I was 25. I feel so much better about my looks ever since I started getting these injections. Botox is so harsh, and so noticeable. I had my lips done with Botox about a decade ago, and I haven’t felt a damn kiss since. Semen is so much less abrasive on the body. I’m a big fan of it.”

“I know that many people are concerned about the health risks of injecting animal semen into their body, but I can assure everyone, it’s much safer than injecting an actual poison, like Botox – assuming it is done by a trained professional,” said Silver. “I don’t advise anyone to go out to their local farms and start jacking off pigs and shooting themselves up. Leave it to the doctors.”

Silver said that the pig semen injections began in rural Asia sometime in the late 90s, and only recently began being performed in Europe and the United States. There are also several companies developing pig semen creams and salves for mass market production.

[NSFW] ‘Paper’ Magazine Releases Untouched Pictures From Kim Kardashian’s Photo Shoot

Posted on November 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LONDON, England –

Earlier this week, Paper Magazine published an article featuring Kim Kardashain, a woman who has become famous for being famous, completely nude. The article was titled, conveniently, Break the Internet, and has unironically showed up in everyone’s Facebook feed ever since.

Today, Paper released one of the unedited photos from Kardashian’s shoot, much to the chagrin of both the star, and the photographer.

“I took the photos at the right angle and with the best lighting possible to really make Kim shine,” said photographer Gett N. Noshous. “Unfortunately, not even the best photographer in the world could get it right in the studio every single time, especially with what we were working with this time around, so we had to do some touch-ups in Photoshop. It’s a fairly common thing these days, whether it be for print of a mega publication, or even someone’s Facebook profile. Though as a professional, I really hate it when the untouched photos make it to the public view.”

“I look just dreadful. Truly, dreadful,” said Kardashian. “The photos that they published, they were perfect. I’ve never been ashamed of my body, but when I saw the original, unedited photos, it made me wonder what Kanye would even want with me. I don’t want that to be my public persona.”

“Personally, I have no problems with the original images getting out there,” said Charles Gerd, the photo editor hired to make the pictures more appealing. “I mean, all that really does for me is get me more work. The better job we do making someone look beautiful, the better my paychecks look.”

“I think the retouching goes too far these days,” said the editor of a major U.S. fashion magazine, who spoke under anonymity. “We pay photographers thousands to get the shots we want, and then we pay graphic designers thousands more to take those shots and make them more perfect. But who is to say what’s perfect? Why is one body better than another? Why is okay for Kim Kardashian’s ass to appear on the cover of a magazine and all over social media, but it’s not okay for a woman to breast feed in public? Why is it not okay to wear a two-piece bikini at the beach unless you’re a size zero? Breast feeding is natural. Having curves and being okay with that is natural. Kim’s bare butt on the cover of a magazine? Well, it’s not natural.”

What do you think? Would you rather see original, unedited images published in magazines, or do you think retouching and Photoshopping images is okay? Sound off in the comments!

Morgue Delivers Living Baby From Pregnant Corpse

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FREEDOM, New Hampshire –

A woman who died in a car accident last week in New Hampshire gave funeral directors at a local morgue quite a scare this morning, after the staff discovered that the woman’s baby, who was thought to have also died in the crash, was still alive. The mortician, Brian Warner, and his assistant, Carlie Neil, were able to successfully remove the baby from its mother, and the newborn is said to be in fair condition at Freedom Memorial Hospital.

“Craziest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Warner of the incident. “The woman, I won’t say her name out of respect for the deceased, but the woman was brought in a few days ago, and she was a wreck. Just awful. Accident nearly tore her face clean off. You ever seen someone whose face was ripped from their body? Of course you haven’t. I’ve seen worse in my day thanks to that Vietnam Conflict, but not by much.”

“I was just prepping her for embalming, when I noticed that there was something moving under the skin of her stomach,” said Neil. “I honestly thought it could be some sort of parasite. Turns out I was close – it was her baby. Since she was dead already, we didn’t bother with any formalities – we just cut into her and pulled the baby right out. He was pretty lethargic when we pulled him out, but I’d seen enough movies and TV to know one quick smack on the ass would fix him up, and it worked. He took a breath, and he never stopped crying after that.”

Doctors say that for the woman’s baby to have survived 6 days inside of her after she had died is nothing short of miraculous.

“Babies feed off what their mother’s eat and drink – they really are like a little parasite growing inside. A person can’t normally go that long without food or water, and a growing baby needs the nutrition even more. The fact that he made it out alive, I can’t believe it. It’s highly possible that he’s the reincarnated Baby Jesus or something. I don’t know, I’m just a doctor, what do I know? I have to say, though, that this whole situation is a medical marvel.”

DeLorean Motor Company To Produce Replica ‘Back To The Future’ Time Machines For Public Sale

Posted on November 9, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOUSTON, Texas –

The DeLorean DMC-12 is one of the most recognizable cars in the world. Although the model itself had an original run of less than 10,000 and only was made for one year, the car’s starring role in the Back to the Future franchise made the car a sought-after piece of movie history amongst collectors.

The original DeLorean Motor Company closed its doors in the early 80s, but the name, DMC, and the company that rose in its place to support owners of the original model, has announced that they have partnered with Universal Pictures, the film studio responsible for Back to the Future, to create a replica line of cars from the film. The new DeLorean Time Machine DMC-12 will be made available staring in 2015, the 30th anniversary of the original Back to the Future film.

“There has been talk all over the internet of a real-life hoverboard, and sadly that turned out to not be true,” said DMC spokesman Milton Baines. “When we realized what a massive call there was for Future merchandise, we realized that we could do something really great here at the new DeLorean Motor Company. Initial plans started at the beginning of last year, and we’ve worked closely with the original build team for the movies to get the car exactly as it appears in the films.”

DMC says that the Time Machine version of the DMC-12 that will be available is based on the model shown in Back to the Future II and III.

“It’s going to have the Mr. Fusion on the back, it has to,” said Baines. “I think that movie fanatics, car collectors, and anyone who is a massive fan of Back to the Future is going to want to get this car. We only wish that we could really make it travel through time!”

The DeLorean Time Machine DMC-12 is set to begin sale in June of 2015, and they are being custom-built at an order cost of a relatively modest $25,000 each – the same price that the vehicle cost when new in 1981. The production will mark the first time that a film studio will be a part of a release of vehicles for public purchase.

‘Labyrinth’ Sequel Confirmed For Holiday 2015 Release

Posted on November 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In 1986, a Jim Henson film was released starring David Bowie and a young Jennifer Connelly. The film, about a girl who must best the Goblin King to save her brother by making her way through his complicated maze, was a critical and commercial success, and garnered a huge cult following in the near-30 years since its release.

Fans of the film have something new to look forward to, though. This morning, Jim Henson Productions announced that they were beginning production on the sequel to the film, simply titled Labyrinth 2. The film is set to reunite Connelly and Bowie, who have both already signed on to star in the $70 million dollar fantasy epic.

“It’s going to be so much fun,” says Connelly, now 44. “I was 15 or 16 when we were filming the first movie, and it was just a ton of fun. Of course, being so young, I didn’t pay much attention to David’s crotch, but as I grew up and watched the film again, I don’t know how I ever could have missed it. It’s just – it’s the real centerpiece for the movie, isn’t it?”

Over the years, Bowie’s enormous crotch piece has become fodder for jokes, and an extreme point of interest for girls – and even some men – who love the film.

“Oh, God, yeah – the GBD, we call it. Giant Bowie Dick,” said Marlene Renner, a fan of the original film. “I saw that movie for the first time when I was 19, and hot damn. I was already a Bowie fan, but that movie…well, that movie really turned me into a mega fan. I hope to Hell that he’s got the tight pants in the second one, too.”

The costumes have not begun to be designed for the second film, as production hasn’t started yet, but costume designer Jennie Smith, who was only 13 when the first film was released, said that when she was hired to design the new costumes for Labyrinth 2, it was made perfectly clear that the ‘star’ of the movie needed to be David Bowie’s crotch.

“In the first movie, you had Jennifer Connelly, who was very beautiful. You had all the awesome creatures created by Jim Henson’s production team. The one thing that everyone talks about though, is those tight, white pants that Jareth the Goblin King wears. Judging by the amount of fans that those pants have, you can bet that they’ll be making a resurgence in the next film.”

Labyrinth 2 is set to begin filming in February in England and Scotland, and will be released December 25th, 2015.

New Hampshire Candidate For Governor Says ‘Women Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Vote’

Posted on November 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

With the elections over this week throughout the U.S., many people are seeing their favorite candidate, or a hated rival, elected into office. In New Hampshire, though, one man isn’t blaming his loss to Maggie Hassan in the race for Governor on a poor race, or a bad campaign. Independent hopeful Lou Sanus, 73, says that his loss was because of ‘women voters.’

“Susan B. Anthony can suck my old balls,” said Sanus in his concession speech. “If that damn meddling bitch hadn’t stepped out of line back then, then I could have been elected governor today. Of course a woman won – she got all the women voters in her corner! And everyone knows that when a woman wants something, she gets it, or she holds out on the sex, so I’m sure plenty of horny men voted the way their wives told them to, leaving me in the dust!”

Sanus seems to think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote, on the sheer fact that a woman could ‘never understand’ the complexities of politics.

“Being governor, hell, being in any office – it’s not easy,” said Sanus during his campaign run. “It’s not just sitting around all day in big, leather office chairs getting pleasured by sweet, young, secretaries like some people think – although I won’t say that’s not a great part of the job, wink wink.”

“Lou Sanus thinks women shouldn’t vote, and that their place is either in the kitchen, or on his micropenis,” said voter Mary Jordan. “He made that so clear throughout his campaign, of course no woman would vote for him. No smart man, either. A vote for Sanus is a vote for sending us back to the dark ages. The man should be put to sleep.”

“That’s the kind of feminazi bullshit I’ve been hearing my entire campaign,” said Sanus in response. “I’m a man’s man, and a hell of a lover. Dark ages? Good Lord, some people…or should I say, some women? I don’t have a micropenis, by the way. That ugly dog wouldn’t know a good lay or a good candidate if I gave her both at the same time. Next year, I’m going to run in Maine. Hell, the only important issue on their ballot was whether or not to let people keep trapping bears – and who even gives a shit about bears?”

Governor Maggie Hassan (D), who received 52% of the vote, had no comment about her competitor, except to say “Who the hell is Lou Sanus?”

Microsoft Founder Bill Gates ‘Comes Out’ As Homosexual

Posted on November 6, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SILICON VALLEY, California –

At the end of October, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced in an interview that he was homosexual, and that he felt that being gay was the ‘greatest gift God had given [him.]’ The acknowledgment made Cook the first CEO of a Fortune 500 company to ever ‘come out’ publicly as homosexual. Not to be outdone by Apple, Microsoft founder and former CEO Bill Gates announced today that he, too, was gay.

“Yes, I’ve been married for many years, and I’ve got a great, loving family,” said Gates. “But in reality, I’m gay. I’m actually extra, super gay. I’m at least twice as gay as Tim, and God gave me this gift first, I just didn’t want to brag about it. Yup – gay gay gay.”

The announcement came as no shock to Gates’ family, who said that over the years he had always been driven to be better than his competitors, no matter what the topic at hand.

“Bill has always wanted to be the best. If he couldn’t be the best, he borrowed from the best, bought out the best, or just stole from the best – and then improved on it,” said wife Melinda Gates. “I think that’s what he’s doing here, with this whole ‘coming out’ thing, and announcing his ‘extra gayness.’ Tim [Cook] is a friend and a colleague in the industry, but Bill can’t let anyone beat him at anything, no matter what. I support him, regardless.”

“Right now, I’m actually discussing options for changing the name of the XBox systems to something else, because ‘box’ is slang for women’s genitalia, and I’m just so gay that I don’t even want to think about that,” said Gates. “Personally, I’m leaning towards calling it the XBoner, but we might just call the console ‘GayPenisGayGayGay.’ I think it will work either way. Marketing and development are working on going over the changes as we speak. Gay!”

Reportedly, Gates is spending several million dollars to have his mansion painted in hues of pink and purple, as well as installing Greek marble statues of naked men throughout the grounds, just to prove how much ‘more homosexual’ he is than Cook.

Obama Enjoys D.C. Marijuana Legalization, Smokes Celebratory Blunt

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Voters in many states were able to cast their ballot on the topic of marijuana legalization yesterday, and in two of those elections, the people have spoken. Voters in Oregon and Washington D.C. have elected to allow marijuana use and possession among their citizens.

In Washington D.C., president Barack Obama, who freely admitted to smoking weed in the past, celebrated the news with a tightly rolled blunt and a few words for the people of the United States.

“As the President of the United States, there wouldn’t have been a lot of questioning if I wanted to sit in the Oval Office and rip a mad bong hit,” said Obama. “I didn’t, though, out of respect for the laws of the District, and of those states that had yet to pass laws to deregulate or legalize marijuana. Now that the voters in D.C. have spoken, though, I see no reason not to smoke a joint and relax with some Netflix and Fritos chips.”

Although the voters have spoken, the repealing of the laws actually wouldn’t take effect until signed by state congressional leaders. Residents of several states, including Florida, voted to keep or increase their marijuana laws.

“I don’t understand Florida, if I’m being honest,” said weed-smoking Miami resident John Peele. “I’ve been smoking illegally here for the last 30 years, and the vote for legalization for medical use can’t even been voted in? My God, Florida is 90% old people! They need weed for their cancer, cataracts, and confusion! They need it more than almost any other state in the country!”

“I don’t see marijuana being illegal that much longer,” said Aaron Silver, a D.C. resident who works in the White House. “It’s here in D.C., the backyard of the government, as it were. How long can we really keep throwing people in jail for growing a plant, anyway? Obama doesn’t have much time left in office, but here’s hoping that the ‘Change’ he kept talking about while running is about loosening marijuana laws.”