Gay County Clerk Refusing To Give Straight Couples Marriage Licenses

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Marc Fine, a county clerk in Louisville, Kentucky, has reportedly been adamantly refusing to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, as he says it goes against his personal religious beliefs.

“I will not give any of them straights a marriage license,” said Fine in an interview with the local paper. “I think that what they do is disgusting. A penis going inside of a vagina? Natural? Please. It’s nasty, and it’s an abomination in the eyes of my personal Lord.”

Fine has been repeatedly told by his superiors that he needs to offer marriage licenses to all couples, straight or gay, but so far, Fine has refused.

“Thing of it is, no one has really complained. They just go on to another office, get their little license, and it’s all good,” said Fine. “That poor, ugly, trailer trash looking clerk woman who was arrested and put in jail should take a lesson from me. See, she wasn’t put in jail for her beliefs, she was put in jail for denying a court order, because she’s a dumbass. I haven’t gotten a court order, and until I do, I’ll keep doing my thing. If that order ever comes, well, I’ll just resign. My Lord and my principles come first.”

When asked what specific religion Fine was that allowed homosexual marriage but not straight marriage, he declined to comment.

Nicolas Cage To Play Role Of Jesus In ‘Passion of the Christ’ Remake

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Newmarket Films and 20th Century Fox, the distributors behind the religious blockbuster film The Passion of the Christ, which was written and directed by Mel Gibson, announced this morning that they would be remaking the film with Nicholas Cage set to take the place of original lead Jim Caviezel.

“We are very excited to get started on the remake of Passion,” said Newmarket CEO Joe Goldsmith. “The original film made a name for our company, and the movie went on to be the highest-grossing R-rated film of all time, while also telling the sado-masochistic story of Jesus Christ. We hope that we can capture that lightning in a bottle for the second time, this time with Nicolas Cage.”

Academy Award winner Cage, who as of late has been known for his fantastic films including Ghost Rider, Drive Angry, and Left Behind was cast based almost solely on his work on the latter film.

“We chose Nic because of his work in the religious film Left Behind, in which he was fantastic,” said Goldsmith. “We didn’t even ask him to audition, we just asked him how he felt about growing out his hair and beard. Turns out, he can’t grow a very good beard, so we’ll figure something out, be he was definitely on board in playing our Lord and Savior.”

Cage could not be reached for comment about the role. Reps for the actor say he is “very much” looking forward to the beatings he’s going to have to take for the role, and hopes that people will see it as penance for some of his later films.

Halloween 2015 Will Be 666th In History

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

UNITED STATES –

This October 31st, trick-or-treaters have something a little more ghoulish and spooky to contend with than just ghosts, witches, and Frozen characters. This year’s Halloween will be the 666th in history, making it extra “hellish” for some.

666, which is widely recognized as the “number of the beast,” or the number representing Satan, is almost as unlucky or uncomfortable for some as the unlucky number 13. Many parents say that they are refusing to take their children out trick-or-treating this year, in fear of the Devil coming to take their children.

“This is an extra special Halloween, and one that I am truly terrified of,” said Jolene Myers, 38. Her sons, Dylan and Michael, both 8, have been begging her to let them go trick-or-treating this year dressed as football players, but Myers, so far, is refusing. “I have no desire to watch my only two boys get swallowed up by the demon Beelzebub. They will still be young enough to go out on the 667th Halloween, and this year, I’ll just buy them a couple bags of candy.”

According to historians who have completely made up the history of the holiday, the first Halloween, then known as Samhain, took place in 1350.

“Kids went out, door to door, asking for some sort of token or treat,” said Halloween historian Jack King. “If they did not receive a treat, then they would burn the house down with the residents inside, ‘tricking’ them into burning in hell. Obviously times have changed greatly, but this year, the 666th, is definitely going to bring on some truly heinous evil. The sprits of those burned alive in their homes will certainly be restless this year.”

Police say that they will be “extra vigilant” this year in watching for young children who will be out alone, and hope that everyone has a safe, albeit scary, holiday.

United States Government Seeks Design For New American Flag

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a country where people are more divided than ever, the US government has decided that the standard “stars and bars” American flag has become something of a misnomer when it comes to describing how the nation stands.

“At one time, the flag stood for patriotism, unity, and the greatest nation on Earth,” said US Senator Mike Jollie. “As of late, with a country divided so fiercely on nearly every possible issue, with a country fighting amongst itself over things as trivial as religion, gay marriage, and even – for some reason – civil rights and unrest, well, it’s time that we have a flag more representative of where we stand today.”

Suggestions made by the Senate include a solid black flag with a gun in the middle, a solid red flag with a black hand and a white hand flipping each other off, a rainbow colored flag with a silhouette of two penises, and just a solid white flag with no imagery.

“The last idea, the solid white flag, seems to be the one most people are leaning towards at this point,” said Jollie. “A solid white flag or cloth has always been a sign of surrender, and at this point, we really should just be giving up. This country has become the laughingstock of the world, so why not?”

Artists and designers from across the country are urged to submit their flag ideas through the website of the white house, www.whitehouse.gov.

West Point Students Revealed To Be Pussies After Injuries Sustained In Pillow Fight

Posted on September 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK, New York –

Over 30 West Point cadets were injured during a campus-wide pillow fight last week, leading most people throughout the country to worry that the US military may, in fact, be training a large group of pussies.

“There were at least 30 cadets who were injured during a pillow fight, several of them were injured seriously, and had to be hospitalized,” said West Point teacher Richard Branson. “It’s a shame. I am trying very hard to teach these kids to be strong, military-style men. Instead, they’re being hospitalized after being hit in the face with a pillow. Pussies.”

West Point made an official comment on Monday, saying that they are definitely not “training groups of pussies” at their esteemed institution.

“West Point is one of the oldest military academies in the country, and we train the best of the best,” said the memo posted to West Point’s website. “This pillow fight and the purported injuries are not indicative of the kind of men we are training at our academy. These weaklings will be dealt with accordingly, and several may even be forced to leave the academy. We do not train pussies at this school.”

“I’m definitely not a pussy,” said West Point student Joe Goldsmith. “I got hit a bunch of times, but hell, they’re just pillows. Sure, I was bleeding a bit, and I think some people may have been using ‘firm’ pillows when we strictly said goose down only, but you know, military life is tough, and everyone should be sucking it up.”

West Point says that they will be further investigating the incident, and “dealing appropriately” with anyone they deem to be too pussified to continue their education at the school.

Donald Trump Flip-Flops Stance, Says He Will ‘Open US Borders 100%’ If Elected

Posted on September 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a surprise change of pace for Donald Trump, the presidential candidate has announced that he’s “completely changed his mind” about immigration, and says that if he is elected president, he plans on opening the country’s borders to all immigrants.

“There is no need to be so picky about who moves to this great country, and paperwork only slows down the process,” said Trump to a gathering of over 75,000 devoted supporters in Mississippi. “When I am elected, the borders will be opened. I was wrong in many of the things I’ve said, and it has just taken me some time to realize my mistakes.”

Many former Trump supporters say they instantly abandoned the candidate when he made his announcements.

“This is an outrage. I was looking forward to more security at the borders, not less,” said former Trump supporter Joe Goldsmith. “I’ve voted for conservatives like Trump my whole life, and they’ve never won. Trump had a chance. He speaks his mind, and people like that. People like me, anyway. Now, this is just absurd.”

“I’m glad he’s changed his opinion of immigrants,” said illegal immigrant from Mexico Jose Marquez. “I think he might be going a little too far just opening the borders all together. I moved here to feel safe, and aside from the constant fear of INS, I’ve felt like I can live here freely. If the borders are opened completely, that might not be the case anymore.”

Donald Trump says that he plans to win this election based on “cold, hard truths,” and that means, sometimes, changing your tune completely.

“I will do whatever it takes to win this election,” said Trump. “Frankly, I’ll dye this wig black if it will get me the votes. I’ll do whatever it takes, say whatever I need to, to get your vote.”

Internal Sony Documents Reveal Playstation Controllers Are Made of Dog Noses

Posted on September 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

Sony International, the company behind the Playstation 4 video game console, is under some serious scrutiny after a set of internal documents were leaked detailing the manufacturing process of the company’s popular video game controllers.

“It seems that Sony has been using the noses of dead dogs to create the grips on the joystick of their controllers for quite some time,” said investigator Joe Goldsmith. “All the way back to the original Playstation console, the company has been buying the carcasses of dead dogs in bulk, shipping them from all over the world to their headquarters in Japan, for purposes of using the skin from the noses as the material for the joystick.”

In the documents, Sony CEO Nah Bro Li said that the company had tried “many different options” for the joystick grips before landing on the noses of dogs.

“Nothing works better than dog nose for the small grips of the joystick,” read the text in one of the memos. “This, though, would be very bad for the public to hear, and we would have many animal rights activists at our door. This is something we want to continue doing, but with great secrecy.”

“Clearly they could be using anything else to make these,” said Goldsmith. “Rubber is the first thing that comes to mind, for example. Sony has showed a clear lack of compassion for animals in using the noses of dogs to make their controllers. On the other hand, it does explain why they are $60 a pop. At this time, we believe all the dogs they used were already dead by other causes. It’s a great thing to discover now, though, before the company had that chance to start paying people to kill dogs strictly for their use. ”

Private investigators hired by PETA and other animal rights groups have begun digging into other company’s controllers as well, including those made by Microsoft for their XBox systems, as well as leading 3rd party manufacturer Mad Katz.

Feminist Groups Cause Kermit The Frog To Check Into Hospital For Depression

Posted on September 5, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

After pictures surfaced recently of Kermit The Frog with his apparent new girlfriend, a pig named Denise, feminists and feminist groups took to the internet, like they always do, outraged that the frog would leave his partner of almost 40 years, Ms. Piggy, for a “younger and hotter” pig.

“It’s disgusting that Kermit would begin to date so soon, and not only that – he chose another pig who is younger, thinner, and ‘hotter’ than Ms. Piggy,” said Twitter users DumbFeministBitch202. “It’s nasty, and I hope Kermit kills himself.”

“No one should have to see their longtime love, the father of their little pig and frog children, move on so fast, to someone so much more attractive,” said feminist blogger Susan DeTwat. “What Kermit the Frog is doing is more proof that men only care about one thing, and that’s sexualizing women, and always keeping their eye on a better prize. Kermit the Frog should kill himself for being so disgusting.”

According to his agent, Kermit The Frog is “resting” at an undisclosed location after becoming “stressed and depressed” over the internet-fueled hatred.

“Kermit is a genuine and good-hearted frog, and he doesn’t deserve this kind of backlash over living his life,” said Kermit supporter Jeanne Curtis, an anti-feminist blogger who uses her brain instead of her emotions when writing. “Kermit was in an abusive relationship for almost forty years with Ms. Piggy. Yes, he loved her. They had children together, at least in a Muppet Christmas Carol, which is canon so it counts.”

“He loved her, but she abused him. Ms. Piggy is clearly a controlling bitch,” continued Curtis. “Anyone with eyes can see that. She hits people, she has hit Kermit, in public. She is loud and abrasive, and a bully. She’s piggish, if you’ll pardon the pun. She screams at poor Kermit when things don’t go her way. It’s no wonder they finally separated, and it’s no wonder Kermit found a new pig who was more kind and gentle. Only a really dumb, feminist bitch would focus on Denise’s looks, and not how much kinder and sweeter she is to poor old Kermit.”

A spokesman for Kermit says that he should be out within the next week or two, in time to film more of the new Muppets TV series.

Feds Rule #BlackLivesMatter Protestors Are ‘Gangs,’ Can Be Arrested

Posted on September 5, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The federal government ruled this morning that the hashtag #BlackLivesMatter has become a serious problem for police and law enforcement, and that agencies now have the legal right to arrest and detain people who protest as part of the movement.

“The Black Lives Matter movement started as a tag on the internet. Something that went from social media about awareness of the brutality against African-Americans, to actual, living and breathing protests in the streets, in schools, and on TV,” said senator Joe McDonald (R-Georgia.) “That can’t happen. It’s one thing for people to say something online, it’s another completely to take those feelings public, and cause problems.”

McDonald says he brought the new law to congress after he saw several black people gathered together outside a police station in his hometown of Marietta, holding signs that read #BLACKLIVESMATTER.

“It’s disgusting, really, because when it comes down to it, black lives DON’T matter – not any more than white lives, or Asian lives, or any damn lives,” said McDonald. “What we’ve got here are angry black people getting angrier and angrier each time a white cop kills some black person anywhere in the country. It’s absurd. They didn’t know that person. They have no reason to get upset. I don’t get upset when a white guy I don’t know gets killed half way across the city, let alone across the country. Because we expect violence as this keeps happening, it was time to put a stop to it.”

President Obama reportedly backed the plan to disallow the #BlackLivesMatter hashtag from being used publicly, citing the fact that too many African-American children and teens could be hurt if more riots were to break out.

“I’d rather we use a new hashtag, #NoLivesMatter, to show that no one life is more important than any other,” said President Obama. “Black lives, white lives, the lives of police and firemen. The lives of cracked-out babies born to unwed, whore mothers – they are all important, and we should have one movement uniting them all.”

Law enforcement agencies are pushing the law to go a step further, and allow them to arrest people in their local area who use the BlackLivesMatter hashtag on social media, in the same way they can currently arrest people who discuss illegal or gang activity in public forums.

New Male Pregnancy Test Can Inform Men If Woman They Slept With Is Pregnant

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MARIETTA, Georgia –

A new test by the makers of the First Response pregnancy test, which promises women that they can find out “6 days sooner” than other leading pregnancy tests, has just launched their new product line, the Male-Response Pregnancy Test, which can actually tell a man if the woman he slept with has gotten pregnant.

“Our new line of tests is the most advanced in the world,” said company spokeswoman Jeanne Curtis. “Normally, a pregnancy test can only tell a woman if she is pregnant within a day or two of a missed period. We know that’s not good enough for the guy who likes to raw-dog it with a one-night stand. So we invented a new test for men. The man just has to urinate onto the stick first thing in the morning following sexual intercourse, and the test will let him know if he did, indeed, ruin his life the previous night.”

According to lab technicians, the new test works in a unique way. They claim that a man who has sex with a woman who he has gotten pregnant picks up some of her hormones through his penis, and they are stored in his urethra. During his morning bathroom stop, those hormones are released onto the stick, and he can tell – probably even before the woman – if she has gotten pregnant.

“When a woman pees on our stick, it has to be a few days after a missed period to actually be accurate,” said Curtis. “Not the case with the Male-Response stick. These new tests will tell a man within 24-hours if he has impregnated a woman, giving him ample time to flee the country, change his name, and disappear.”

The new product is set to launch nationwide in October. No word from the developers if multiple tests would be needed for orgies or swinging parties. In the meantime, men are urged to wear a condom when having sex, or at least pull out and aim for her face.